Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Pride and Joy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #4 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 4)”! In the previous installment, Gert is able to tame the hidden dinosaur because it was genetically engineered to do so, having been lifted from the 87th dimension from her parents and whatnot. A hologram recording of Gert’s folks, designed to be watched upon their deaths, reveals to her the tome, known as the Abstract, hidden within the basement walls. It needs to be decoded, and the next lead is at Karolina’s house.

While at the Dean residence looking for the magic decoder ring, Karolina rips off a medical bracelet she has been wearing since she was four years old, and then learns she can fly! That’s exciting.

Also, the cops are in on all this. After an unsuccessful attempt by Alex to get the police involved on their side, one Lieutenant Flores calls Mr. Wilder to inform him that they have a problem on their hands. All hell of such as whoops.

Maybe they can get Karolina to fly over Mr. Wilder and dump a bucket of baked beans over his head like it’s Nickelodeon.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [October, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Pride and Joy (Chapter 4)”

THE WILDER RESIDENCE – 4:25am

Mr. Wilder holds an ornate knife behind his back as he enters Alex’s bedroom. “You asleep, pal?” Ha! Mr. Wilder’s name is Geoffrey. Like the Toys R Us giraffe! How simply adorable.

He’s not going to hurt his son, he just wants to convince him that the “sacrifice” that he witnessed was no more than an illusion! And—whoops, he’s not in his bed. He must be traipsing around L.A. with his snotty, rich friends. The bed, instead, has a male mannequin head. Something his mother finds discomforting.

“Alex is somewhere out there, and he knows the truth about us!” Geoffrey panics, but Mrs. Wilder assures him that Alex might not know anything! He might know his way around his own dick, but it seems unlikely that he knows everything about the two of them.

Pffft. Yeah right. “My minion inside the LAPD said that Alex reported a homicide. He mentioned our group by name.” Geoffrey’s getting upset! And if the rest of The Pride finds out about this, they’re going to wring Mr. Geoffrey Wilder’s fat neck with a belt.

THE DEAN RESIDENCE – 4:28am

Karolina flies around her backyard glowing like the alien that she is. “WHEEEEEEEE!” Huge smile on her face. I’m fucking jealous and I see people fly in comic books constantly. Must be the COMING-OF-AGE part of things.

“Stop messing around, Karolina!” Alex yells, clearly jealous. “Someone’s gonna see you!”

Don’t care! Dooonnn’t care! Flying is great! It’s like fuckin’, only with more orgasms! And–

Karolina, not paying attention, slams right into Chase’s butt, knocking him down. He hides his boner while Nico asks her how what flying feels like. I was pretty much right about the fuckin’.

Hang it up, freak. We’ve got police officers to start whacking.

Alex wants her to put the bracelet back on against her wishes. “That bracelet turns off your lightshow. And right now, we can’t have you floating around like an oversized Tinkerbell.”

Bitterly, Karolina puts her bracelet back on. Alex reminds her that she doesn’t know what her parents might be capable of, so they need to stay under the radar. Gert really wants to go get Molly and finally include her in all this. If nothing else, she’s probably safer with them than at her house right now. So who wants to fill her in on the evil parents thing? Not it!

“How are supposed to pretty much abduct Molly in the middle of the night without her freaking out?” Alex tries to think while Chase bugs him about going back to his place first. “I want to see what cool stuff is stashed at my house.”

Alex resists. Chase persists and plays the “we need more clues” card. “My place is on the way to Molly’s. We’ll just check my old man’s workshop for bloody gloves or whatever, and then be on our way… cool?”

Fine. Maybe they’ll find saltpeter to curb Chase’s boner for the flying girl. That’ll be worth it on its own.

Gert suddenly screams. She had this strange feeling that they were all being watched, but Karolina assures her that her parents are gone and that the mansion is paparazzi-proof. MAKE A NOTE OF THIS, IT’S OBVIOUSLY IMPORTANT. You can’t go through a mystery story without someone being watched.

The red herring here is that it’s Gert’s escaped velociraptor, who actually is watching them, but I bet there’s something else too. Like Gary Busey just running stark naked through the bushes.

THE STEIN RESIDENCE – 4:55am

Chase points to an old shed in their backyard. “They know I think their work is insanely boring, so it’s probably where they’d hide stuff from me.” While they all deliberate upon how to open the locked shed clandestinely, Chase grabs a shovel and cracks it the fuck open. “You guys think too much.”

The shed is full of mechanical equipment and metal artifacts. “What do your parents do, Chase?” Karolina asks, checking out what appear to be dismantled robot parts. They’re engineers that made a lot of money inventing “that thing that lets you open up new CDs without ripping your fingernails off”. So, what, a plastic wrapper?

The are machines that look like gas chambers. There are incubation tubes with body parts floating in liquid. There are fancy x-ray goggles that allow Chase to see the girls in their underwear.

They allow you access to the top of the National Sex Offender Registry list.

“Take those off this instant, young man. You are grounded until graduation.”

Chase’s parents, along with the Minorus, What are they doing here? Look, kids, they don’t have to explain themselves to shit… but they will anyway. The Wilders called everyone to see where his dipshit son went, and they all found out their own kids were missing too. “What are you doing in Mr. Stein’s workshop?” Mrs. Minoru asks, finger pointing at her goth daughter. “Are you making ecstasy?”

Ha! They wish! Some ecstasy sounds really refreshing right now. The Steins are all like FUN’S OVER, BEDWETTERS. Everyone out!

“Or what, Pop?” Chase taunts. “You’ll use some of our scary toys on us?” He holds up a couple of gun-type items that sure look like scary toys to me. “He has the Fistigons,” Mrs. Stein whispers to her husband. “If he figures out how to weaponize them…”

Nope, not today! Mr. Stein presses a couple of buttons on his fancy 2003 Apple Watch prototype thing and blasts his son with yellowish green rays of energy.

“Guys, get ready for Tinkerbell!” Alex rips off Karolina’s bracelet. She goes full-on Tinkerbell.

“Dammit!” Mr. Minoru grunts, shielding his eyes. “They know about the Dean girl!”

“We know about everything, Mr. Minoru,” Alex says like a complete doofus. “We… we know who you people really are.”

“Oh, I highly doubt that, child,” says Mrs. Minoru as all four adults get geared up.

Then they bust out the big guns.

Have a drink, children! BWAAHAHAHAHA!!!

Mr. Minoru hits Karolina with a geyser. Mr. Stein shoots some sort of sticky green Spider-Man goo at Alex to pin him against a chamber. Mrs. Minoru tries to keep her daughter at bay with a Donatello bō staff. The staff gets sucked into her body, which alarms her mother. The Staff of One! That’s not supposed to happen to the Staff of One! Oh god, the Staff of One! Nooooo!! The Staff of One!

Then Nico smashes the side of her face with a robot head. Mr. Minoru is understandably less than pleased at his daughter’s insolence! He’ll take care of her while Mr. Stein takes care of Gert. She’s huddled in the corner begging for help, and she gets in the form of a genetically engineered, telepathic velociraptor buddy! Hooray! Mr. Minoru tries to kill it, but Nico bats his book of spells out of his hand.

Karolina comes crashing back down from her geyser ride and forces her incandescent energy to one finger, zapping Minoru and incapacitating him. “It worked! Is… is he all right?” I hope not. That guy makes Nico eat her vegetables.

While Karolina fingers Alex off the wall, Gert instructs her dinosaur buddy to not kill the Steins. Only maul them for a bit.

Alex grabs the unconscious Chase while Nico sadly tears at her knocked-out parents. “I’m sorry, Nico, but we have to let them go. We need to take care of each other now, okay?” He holds her by the shoulders and maintains a nice erection buffer distance.

With Chase out of commission, it’s up to Karolina to try driving them to the hospital so that the doctors can try extracting the Staff of One from her body. I guess.

SAN BERNARDINO FREEWAY – 5:31am

Beep beep! Out of my way, I’m a motorist!

Chase slowly comes to in the backseat, which he’s sharing with Alex, Gert, and Gert’s bigger-than-a-van sized dinosaur buddy. “I don’t know what you remember, Chase, but your father assaulted you,” Alex tells him pointedly, like a he didn’t already get punched in the face 10 hours ago. “I probably had it coming,” he responds, clearly the product of abuse. Hilarious abuse! But seriously, if you are or a loved one is experiencing domestic abuse, then please call the hotline at–

Sorry! I got distracted! The issue ends with the Yorkes’ and the Hayes’ hovering over Molly’s bed while she sleeps soundly in a nightcap like she’s motherfuckin’ Geppetto. Gert’s phone rings…

“Gertrude? Your father and I are very disappointed in you. You have to stop playing these games… or I’m afraid we’ll have no choice but to do something terrible to your young friend Molly.”