Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #1 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 1)”!

Having fallen HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE with Brian K. Vaughan’s Paper Girls, I needed a fix of both his writing and a coming-of-age story. The obvious choice here is the Runaways series.

I didn’t do any prior research on this series, and I don’t know what to expect. I don’t even know if these kids are going to be superheroes! They could start an Anime Club in high school for all I fucking know. And even though that sounds irrevocably shitty, I have enough trust in Brian K. Vaughan that he could even make a series about Anime Club and have it not suck completely.

I look forward to reading a lot of issues of this, thank you and hello.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [July, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Pride and Joy (Chapter 1)”

See? What did I tell you? The girl on the cover has anime hair! She’s wearing steampunk anime clothes! This is gonna be some hella otaku shit, isn’t it?

Fuckin’ right away – RIGHT AWAY, PAGE ONE – there’s that dickhead Captain America and he’s fighting the Hulk with Daredevil. “If we don’t find a way to put the Hulk down fast, he’s gonna tear right through the White House!”

LOL, I hope so. Is this 2003? Punch his way right into George W. Bush’s private bathroom and strangle him with his own toilet seat. Anyway, Daredevil can’t help right now, Spider-Man is dead! He’s dead! He’s dead and I’m laughing!

“Don’t worry, gentlemen, I can handle this.” In walks the Invisible Woman, who isn’t invisible and looks quite bodacious, actually, you might say. “After all, there’s more than one way to sooth a savage beast.”

Cap calls this whole thing “retarded”. Invisible Woman isn’t part of this mission, and she’s out of character. “You’re supposed to be the Invisible Woman, not Mrs. Skank-tastic,” Cap says, face drooping comically.

“And just so you know, it’s not cool to use ‘retarded’ in a pejorative manner,” Daredevil informs Cap. “My cousin’s girlfriend is a retard.”

CUT! That’s a wrap, guys! Time to end this campaign, it’s dead in the water anyway. Let’s just let Hulk bust through the West Wing and kick Aaron Sorkin in the balls.

“Alex Wilder, get off that thing now!”

Yuck! No son of mine is going to play an MMORPG when he could instead be looking at pornography like a healthy teenager.

Alex takes off his headset and scowls at his parents. Dad asks if this “M” “M” “O” “R” “P” “G” will cost him money. Yeah, Dad, it’s a birthday present and the subscription will last until your son’s death and beyond. Alex pulls back the curtain of his bedroom, revealing a beautiful view of a beach sunset. “Besides, we live in Malibu! What difference does a few dollars make?

It makes a lot of difference, punk! Now cancel that subscription ASAP or he’ll beat your Malibu ass with his Malibu belt! Now remember this moment, because this decision was made out of love even though this is literally the only way you have been able to communicate with all your friends at once. It’s called a chat room, son, and those are free. Now change your ratty Bruce Lee shirt before the evening’s guests arrive.

Dad leaves and Mom apologizes on his behalf. He just gets nervous before his big charity events where he rubs elbows with five other businessmen and cuts a few checks. Very relatable, you see. “I just wish I didn’t have to babysit your friends’ creepy kids while you guys get to hide in the library,” Alex grumbles.

*slap* *slap slap punch stab* *kick* Those kids aren’t creepy! And the work that Alex’s folks and their guests do is sensitive and needs to be done in private. The library is the only place you can go to by pulling back a sconce and revealing a secret passageway, and so help them God they only get to do that once a year. So cork it.

“Alex, you’re being obnoxious. The six of you have been having nothing but marvelous times together since you were all in diapers,” his mom argues. “And unlike your ‘internet friends’, those kids think of you as family. They can’t wait to see you!”

Yeesh, that’s a creepy kid right there if I ever did see one.

THE YORKES RESIDENCE – 6:01pm

“If you guys are so obsessed with helping the poor, why won’t you let me join the socialist club?”

“Gertrude, as we discussed, while capitalism may be the unequal distribution of wealth, socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.”

I’m looking forward to seeing the coming-of-age story of six rich fucking punks from Los Angeles. That’s WAY better than four girls from suburban Cleveland any day, let me tell you.

Gertrude’s dad makes fun of her for being a sophomore. Gertrude schools her dad on the etymology of “sophomore”. And we’re done with the Yorkes for now.

THE DEAN RESIDENCE – 6:13pm

“Karolina, you’re an angel!” gushes a mom who looks like a mountain of plastic surgery. “Look, Frank, she made tempeh fajitas for the fundraiser tonight.”

Karolina with a K did make fajitas! It’s for all the vegans who are attending the event tonight, you know, since the Wilder family didn’t have much in the way of meatless, cheeseless, eggless bullshit last year. Frank takes a bite and requests some yeast flakes; a trick that Kim Basinger taught him. Hey, Alec Baldwin taught Karolina’s mom the same thing! Wow! Gag me with a spoon! We’re done with the Deans, fuck this.

THE STEIN RESIDENCE – 6:22pm

The Stein Residence has some issues.

DO NOT EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF THE WILDERS. I’M NOT GOING TO WEAR MY BEST TANK TOP JUST TO LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

“That’s for talking back! You think straight C’s are funny? You’re becoming a dumb jock, Chase. Is that what you want to be, a cliché?”

“Well, you’re a nerd who punches like a girl… isn’t that a cliché?”

Fair point, and deep down I think Dad agrees. “Keep making jokes, big man. We’ll see how hard you’re laughing after we pull you off lacrosse.” That one did the trick. Chase’ll be good. He loves lacrosse! He gets to flick that stick around. It’s good stuff.

THE HAYES RESIDENCE – 6:37pm

“Dad, can we talk about my body?”

GLUG! Dad is like, go ask your mother, she’s a doctor too. We’re both doctors, but she’s a doctor! Go talk to her, she has the vagina. Please?

Molly is 11, and she’s having her period and stuff so Dad promises that, after the party, he and Mom will sit down with her have a talk about blood and tampons the moon and everything that goes along with becoming a full-fledged, disgusting woman. But until then, scram.

THE MINORU RESIDENCE – 6:49pm

“We are not going to be late!” yells the giant-mouthed patriarch of the household. Nico is holed up in her room, which has posters on the door like “ABSINTHE” and “KAT PISS”. She’s looking for her black nail polish, which Mom threw away. No kid of hers is going to go out looking like Marilyn Manson’s shitty nephew! Yes, I said “nephew”.

“Great, now I have to mix all my old polish together to try to make black!”

No way, Jose. Kids with black nail polish do hella drugs. Mom saw it on Oprah with Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz and Deepak Chopra and other really terrible people.

THE WILDER RESIDENCE – 7:25pm

Oh, we’ve been here before. Full circle. The party is in full swing, and Alex hasn’t left his room yet because he doesn’t want to mingle with all these rich fart-smelling dipshits.

Ahoy, you fart-smelling dipshit!

Everyone is there but the Minorus, who are ready to show up quite fashionably late. Alex comes downstairs all sulky and wearing his best “PAYCE!” t-shirt.

The Minorus have made it! Nico walks in behind her parents and Alex pops a boner. She’s dressed like, well, the goth chick from the comic book cover art. She hands Alex back some DVDs she borrowed and he’s all like “uh buh buh buh”. Her nail polish looks burgundy. “Are you ok?” she asks, staring into his eyes with a wry grin. “You’re acting all Keanu.”

Well, for starters, Nico looks hot now, so he’s into that. Second of all, *boner*. Third of all, uh…

Karolina pops in to compliment Nico’s new threads. Molly wants to ask Gertrude (or “Gert”, the ugliest nickname in the world) about girl stuff, to which she responds with a hearty “Under no circumstances.”

Well, now that we’re all settled and our bellies full of shrimp cocktail, it’s time for the adults to pull back that sconce and hang out in the library, ahem, conduct important business (i.e. drop a lot of acid). Kids, hang out in the game room and please don’t start any fires! The game room has no emergency exits! *wink*

THE GAME ROOM – 8:46pm

The game room is full of arcade machines of games called things like “OH BOY!” and “BUSTIN’ CAPS” and “BLAHH”. The six of them sit on the couch looking bored out of their minds and quite antisocial. Seems awkward. Nico breaks the ice with a big yawn. Gert agrees with the sentiment. Chase wants some beer. Alex suggests making the most of it until their parents are finished with their orgy.

Oh wait! *lightbulb* here’s an idea! “Let’s spy on the ‘rents.”

“THE ‘RENTS”, how quaint! Nico doesn’t want to spy on no ‘rents, but no, it’s totally cool! There are a ton of security cameras and secret passageways and stuff! They caught Alex jerking it in the attic once next to a pile of vintage Beanie Babies. “My dad doesn’t know I found this when I was snooping for Christmas presents a few months ago,” he says, pressing a button and opening up a secret door that leads to, presumably, the boiler room or the yacht or whatever else they may have in their house.

Chase is looking to get punched in the face again, I see.

THE CORRIDORS – 9:15pm

“This is like the haunted mansion at Disney,” Molly complains. “Only boringer.”

The corridor has windows, but Alex assures the group that the ‘rents are probably too high on fentanyl to even notice. Plus, they’re one-way mirrors.

“Can I hold onto you Alex? My night vision stinks,” says Nico innocently.

*boner*

At last, they come across a wall adjacent to the library. They can hear their ‘rents hootin’ and hollerin’.

“…if we’re satisfied with Mr. and Mrs. Dean’s plans for our off-world enemies, I suggest we move onto The Pride’s final order of business.”

Buh-what? Off-world enemies? The Pride. Too much fentanyl right in the ol’ nutsack, Dad. Everyone but Mr. Wilder is dressed up costumes and/or scientist garb. “Is… is that my mom and dad?” Karolina asks, looking at her plastic parental units.

“Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?” Alex asks the group.

“Yeah, our parents are totally gay,” Chase responds eloquently. Welcome to 2003, everyone.

“No… they’re superheroes.”

The group brings into the room a scared-looking young woman with bluish hair and bluish lipstick. Alex tries to usher young Molly out of the corridors before something happens, but Molly is insistent that she wants to see the superheroes. Karolina tells her that their parents are “putting on a stupid play” and that they’ll go back and fix her hair (“What’s wrong with it…?”).

“Is that a working girl, Wilder?” asks Mr. Yorkes. “I thought you and your wife only handled drugs and gambling in this town.” Pffft, step off his fentanyl-filled nuts, Yorkes. After all, Wilder doesn’t question what he does in the fourth dimension, does he? No sir!

“Alex…” Nico hesitates. “What if they’re not good guys?”

DING DING DING! Of course they aren’t! They’re going to kill this prostitute for personal gain, can’t you see? The Drs. Hayes start flashing some telekinetic eyebeams and restrain the young woman. Their mysterious machine is geared up and ready.

Or The Red Baron or Dr. Evil or Harrison Ford.

Mr. Minoru starts reciting some ancient words from some ancient tome. “I want you to know that you’re helping us forge a better tomorrow for our children,” Mr. Wilder says, lifting up the sad woman’s chin and glaring right into her eyes. “On behalf of The Pride,” he brandishes a knife, “we truly appreciate your sacrifice.”

SHUNK! Right between the ribs, motherfucker! This chick is going down! Then someone behind a mirror screams. “What the hell was that?” asks one of these bad guy mofos.

Gert and Chase stare through the mirror in disbelief while Alex desperately holds Nico’s mouth shut.

Final Thoughts

Dark times ahead already! My guess is that the parents either find out they have been eavesdropped upon by their children and start trying to chase them down, OR the six of them decide to run off on their own volition. Either way… here come the Runaways!

I look forward to seeing what happens next.