Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #16 – “The Good Die Young (Chapter 4)”! In the previous installment, Chase dies.

…

lmao, so let’s keep this movin’!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #16 [August, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“The Good Die Young (Part 3)”

The kids are in disbelief about Dead Chase. “Nico, use a spell!” Alex commands. Nico needs to bleed before the Staff of One can emerge from her chest again, so someone stab her in the neck with a letter opener ASAP.

“Somebody do CPR!” yells Molly.

“No, you have to do the Heimlich maneuver first!” argues Karolina. “He’s got water in his lungs!”

“Wrong, Karolina! Heimlich’s for choking! My parents are doctors!”

“And I just read an article about this, Molly! All the new research says you have to–”

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLUH BLUH BLUB BLUB BLUB BLOO BLOO. Gert’s going to try CPR so she can get smoochy-smoochy with a corpse. She fumbles through it while Molly yells about how she’s doing it wrong and Karolina yells about how she’s doing it wrong. But after about 11 chest compressions, Chase bolts upright gasping and sputtering. Gert asks if he’s ok. And he’s like “YEAH, BUDDY, YOU’RE LOOKIN’ LIKE ONE SEXY MAMA TO BOOT!” and kisses her. She doesn’t reject it.

All right, chumps. New rule: No more dying.

Chase’s head continues spinning as he slowly regains his precious consciousness. “I’m so sorry, guys. I… I really screwed up.” He’s talking about not stopping the monster, but he sorta kinda did. So he needs to shut up right now before he annoys everyone. Me included.

Chase wants the rest of the gang to press on without him, on account of death taking a lot out of him, but Karolina protests about this for some reason. Alex is like “no, it’s fine, let’s leave him”. Chase gives up his x-ray specs and his magic metal hands to Alex since the only weapon he has had this whole time is the Abstract – a fuckin’ book for nerds.

Nico gets a switchblade as a consolation prize.

Meanwhile, the Pride waits for the Gibborim to show up to see them in the vivarium. The sacrificial offering is ready, everyone is wearing their Sunday best. No one has any second thoughts, right? Guys? Hello?

Some murmurings happen amongst the Pride. Helping to destroy a whole planet seems a little harsh and rude, for one thing. Mrs. Yorkes doesn’t think so. “Before my dolt of a husband totaled our 4-D portico permanently, we visited thousands of possible futures, each worse than the last.” And do you what made them all awful? Superheroes. “The X-Men, the Avengers, the Fantastic bloody Four… their kind dominated every era, ensuring that people like us never challenged the mundane status quo.”

Fuck the world.

Off to the side, the Deans and the Hayes want to follow through with their whole “killing everyone else” plan, so they talk about following through with their whole “killing everyone else” plan… but not quite yet. Let’s see where this goes first…

…nowhere. Some visitors show up.

*squints* Are you sure? I thought our children were cooler, smarter, and better-looking than this.

The Wilders’ monocles pop off their faces and they say “What’s all this then?!” But they don’t have time to react further, because Alex blasts them both with metal-hand-power and holds them in stasis. Now it’s up to the rest of the team to take on their respective parents.

Gert’s parents scoff at her attempt to use her dinosaur against them. It simply will not work. The dinosaur has been programmed to only harm French people. Ha ha ha haaaaa!

Karolina’s parents scoff at her attempt to look all yellow and glowy at them. It simply will not work. Her powers have been programmed to only harm Dutch people. Ha ha ha haaaaa!

So they switch. Gert’s dinosaur attacks the Deans. Karolina blasts the Yorkes. How’s that for a twist of fate, eh??

Who’s left? Nico’s Staff of One is back out of her body, which means someone must’ve nicked her ear in the scuffle! She points it at the Steins and is about to go “boogity boo” when the staff’s light flickers out. The Minorus have frozen their daughter in place!

“Stop it!” yells Molly, swinging a 200-lb stone gargoyle. “You guys should be more like Harry Potter’s parents. They’re good wizards. And they’re dead.” She whacks Mr. Minoru across the chest, breaking the stone into little bits and pieces.

But where are the Hayes? Did they split out unnoticed? With Gert? In a headlock? So that they can whack her over the head with a stick? Rendering her unconscious? And then they get cornered by Gert’s dinosaur? Yes!

Hey Gert, it looks like you won the fight! Congratul–! oh.

Karolina warns the Hayes to stop their murderous tomfooleries, but Mrs. Hayes begins her spiel about how much they’re trying to help Karolina get into paradise. But now, pffft, that offer is slowly getting pushed off the table. “Thankfully, your brain is no more sophisticated than this prehistoric monstrosity’s,” Mrs. Hayes says, pointing to the dumbass dinosaur, “so controlling your mind should be just as simple.”

Karolina sprays the Hayes with a wave of Sunny Delight-looking yellow energy, knocking them over and probably killing them. What do I know.

Here comes the big reveal. Are you all ready? You should sit down for this. Now stand up. Now sit again.

Alex is the mole.

So what unfolds here? Alex is able to knock Karolina unconscious, and he is able to tell Old Lace to heel. The Wilders are bewildered! They had no idea… that their own son… *swoon*

“Call me whatever you want, but I just saved you two from getting offed by a few of your so-called friends,” he says as he lifts the Staff of One out of Nico’s frozen hands. “I’ll explain everything after we finish the Rite of Thunder.”

Alex now has the Staff, Chase’s metal hands, and a growling dinosaur behind his back. “Aren’t you proud?” he smiles wryly.

Final Thoughts

Is this the time for predictions??? This is a distraction. A scheme, see? A double-cross, see? I don’t think Alex is the mole. I don’t think there IS a mole. Knowing he was the last man standing, Alex performed a gambit. He knocked Karolina’s brains all over the inside of her skull to save them all!

And don’t count out Chase. That kid’s going to come sprinting into the room huffing and puffing swinging a baseball bat, not caring what he hits until Alex has a fat lump on his head. The Gibborim will suck his dick and everyone will go out for burgers.