Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15 – “The Good Die Young (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Good Die Young storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15 – “The Good Die Young (Chapter 3)”! In the previous installment, the mole among the Runaways has tipped off the police to the whereabouts of their hideout. After narrowly escaping a spanking, the kids burrow their way through the mountain and out of harm’s way… for now…

While Mr. Wilder and Mr. Stein look for the kids, the Deans and the Hayes collaborate amongst themselves to plan a murder for the rest of the Pride! That way, the six that get into Paradise will the four of them plus their two kids! Muahahahaha! Murder is the perfect crime, even more perfect than jaywalking.

The Runaways need to thwart their parents before it’s too late! And Saturday Night Live is on in ten minutes! That Kenan sure is a laugh riot, don’t want to miss his Steve Harvey impression!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #15 [July, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“The Good Die Young (Part 3)”

Thirty Feet Beneath Los Angeles, 7:58pm

Chase leads them all through a stinky sewer, knee deep in poop. Gert bitches until Chase calls her dinosaur gay and that it’s the reason they need to trudge through the sewers unseen in the first place. Gert argues that they’d be trudging through the sewers anyway. “We’re fugitives! Homeless fugitives! And we’re running out of places to hide from our psycho parents!”

Nico doesn’t want to hide anymore. She wants to fight. Alex mumbles, barely agreeing and he looks through the Abstract some more. This thing about the Rite of Thunder sounds interesting, though! Maybe it will involve betrayal within the Pride on the side, hopefully?

“The Rite of Thunder is a ceremony where all twelve of our parents take the spirit they captured at the Rite of Blood… and feed it to those evil Gibborim guys they work for,” explains Alex as struggles to keep the book out of the raw sewage. The Rite of Blood, of course, being the stabbing death murder from Issue #1. Can’t forget about that.

Gert doesn’t believe in souls and spirits! She’s agnostic, and she’s proud of it! *puffs out chest*

Alex tells her to cork it. These spirits are going to feed the Gibborim and give them their power and there’s no two ways about it, so get over yourself. Hey, look here in the book, it says that the Pride needs to appear before the Gibborim “humbly”. “I think that translates to ‘without weapons,’” suggests Alex. No one is listening to him anymore. They’ve got four hours to ambush their weaponless parents and give ‘em the ol’ one-two-buckle-my-shoe.

Maybe they’re all dead and you haven’t figured out yet that you’re looking for piles of bones??

Wilder Family Private Beach, Malibu, California, 8:08pm

The Pride congregate to complain and whine. They can’t focus on their kids right now since they have to make their offering to the gibbering Gibborim.

“Of all the nights to get a lead on our kids, why’d it have to be tonight?” Dr. Mrs. Hayes asks out loud.

“Yes, it seems quite the coincidence, doesn’t it, mutant?” says Mr. Minoru, suggesting that perhaps one of them is loyal to the Runaways just as one of the Runaways is loyal to the pride? Hmm? Not out of the question, is it? I rest my case.

Mrs. Yorkes all but tells him to shut the fuck up, and Mr. Wilder agrees. Save the bickering and hissy-fitting until after the Rite of Thunder! Mrs. Stein clicks a button on her remote control and the Playboy channel flickers in front of their eyes. Oh, and a giant vessel dubbed The Leapfrog rises out of the waves of the ocean like a majestic… well, leapfrog, I guess.

Before they all embark, a few members of the Pride whisper amongst themselves about the meaning behind Mr. Minoru’s words. Particularly, the members of the Pride who want to murder the other members of the Pride. “Are you sure you want to go through with this, Leslie?” Dr. Mrs. Hayes says to Mrs. Dean. “I don’t want to throw away two years of worth of planning, but our girls are still–”

*slap* GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, WOMAN! This is the perfect time to take advantage of the rest of the group’s preoccupations, insecurities, and soft, soft, stab-able abdomens.

They live in a ghost ship off the coast of California and the fly a pirate flag in order to throw people off the scent that they’re actually Gibborims! It all makes sense!

Santa Monica Beach, 9:43pm

Alex has figured out the the Gibborim’s base is a few thousand leagues under the Pacific Ocean. Gert’s like “Great, that’s useful, let’s just go back home and get murdered right now” but Nico has an idea. “WATERPROOF!” she yells, pointing her Staff of One on the sand. A giant, lopsided bubble emerges. Everyone get in!

Chase would rather eat a thumbtack sandwich. “We still don’t know if one of us is a traitor! If Nico is working for our parents, she’ll pop that thing when we’re halfway down!”

Of course, Alex’s boner tells the rest of the gang that Nico can indeed be trusted, so shut your yap, Chase. He proves that she can be trusted by kissing her in front of everyone, which proves absolutely nothing and causes discomfort within the group. “Eww, they’re using tongues!” Molly cries disgustedly.

Alex apologizes for kissing and groping and bringing Nico to orgasm in front of everyone. He just wanted a little before they could possibly die, is all. But now it’s back to business!

“I wanted to tell you – all of you – that no matter how I ever acted, I always secretly looked forward to those get-togethers our parents made us have. Most of my ‘friends’ were just Xbox screennames, but I really liked you guys.” Yada yada, after this sad displace of ultra-virgin energy, Alex makes his case that he would never betray any of them to their parents and that anyone who did will be destroyed. Dig?

Everyone agrees, and they all get in the stupid bubble.

THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, MOLLY! LOOK A LITTLE MORE SOMBER, WOULD YA??

2,500 Leagues Later…

They all discuss what they want to be when they grow up as they descend further and further into Hell. Gert wanted to be a senator, but the position-of-power thing is no longer appetizing. Karolina wanted to be an actress like her parents, but now that sounds like a sucky farty idea. Alex’s parents wanted him to be a doctor so, naturally, he’s going to design video games. Nico’s going to buy a bass and join an anarcho-crust punk band called “Christ Fisting”. Chase will join the FBI so he can carry a gun all the time. Molly wants to be a mom, but a good mom. Not one of those bad moms.

They all sit in silence as the bubble keeps descending the abyss.

The Marine Vivarium, 10:51pm

PLOP

The kids have landed! Gert looks around and asks if they just entered Atlantis. Alex tells them, because somehow he knows this, that it’s a 30-minute walk to the Gibborim chamber. Let’s hustle.

As Nico stares reverently at her Staff that helped them all get down safely, a large rocky-looking monsters stomps into the corridor. The Abstract didn’t say anything about a guardian, so who’s this clown? Karolina tries her breezy alien powers on it, but it doesn’t work. Chase tries to shoot flames at it from his mechanical hands, but all it does is light the dude on fire and turning it into an aggressive, burning rock monster. Chase then lures him into the water to douse the flames, but he forgot to consider that the monster will be running at him. Then he gets wasted.

Alex realizes that two pages were stuck together in the Abstract (probably after Mr. Wilder jerked off into it). Molly goes full purple-eyed mutant and tries punching the beast, but Alex stops it by saying the magic word.