Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #4! In the previous installment, Cindy Moon confronts Dragonclaw again and beats him up to smithereens, causing him to cry and moan and whine. His name is Harris Porter, and he’s just trying to make ends meet by doing odd jobs for Black Cat. She’s mean to Silk. Silk can’t beat her yet. But she will. Count on it.

Spider-Man is worried about Silk, so he forcibly enlisted the help of the friendly Fantastic Four! I’m all like “who cares” but I guess they’re going to help her. I guess they don’t have better things to do with their time right now. Like making me breakfast.

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [July, 2015]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Dr. Reed “Look at How Smart I Am” Richards has Cindy doing some sort of virtual reality training thing. He’s wearing a headset and making her fight Galactus. She thinks this is pretty sweet.

Susan Storm chides Reed Richards for playing around with his gadgets, but Reed Richards is NOT playing around, woman! *slap* He’s working! *slap slap*

Silk splats Galactus with web spooge. She covers his face with it like a moneyshot. Johnny Storm gets horny while watching the fight.

After tying up Galactus’ legs and sending him falling to the ground, Silk gets light-headed and woozy. Later, she asks Richards if she was on an alternate Earth that was heavily radiated. Maybe radiation is the problem? Like, if Galactus was in Chernobyl’s exclusion zone then she would be really messed up, right? Richards doesn’t answer her question; merely asks how long she was in isolation. As if it were HIS BUSINESS. Cindy is onto him, asking what that has to do with fucking anything.

“Give or take… ten years.”

“I’m… I’m so sorry.”

Save it, nerd. Cindy still wants to know what he’s getting at, but Richards just says he ran every test in the book (even trepanation) and found nothing wrong with her (except her PMS, right fellas?). Maybe she has anxiety? Richards writes down the name of a psychiatrist that he wants Cindy to see post haste. Medicate the crazy out of you ASAP.

Ew.

It’s slobberin’ time, though, according to the big rock guy, so get your feedbag on. Johnny Storm tries to introduce himself to Cindy, one step closer to getting all up in her guts, but Peter Parker cuts him off immediately and asks her how she’s doing. She responds with a right hook to the jaw. Johnny gets that boner again.

“Who told you that you could tell anyone about my life?” Cindy points an accusing finger at the sad little spider boy. He was worried about her, that’s why. He just wanted to help. “Then you should have left me in that bunker,” she responds all scathingly. They stare each other down for a moment before Johnny horns on in again and invites Cindy to stay for breakfast. It’s slobberin’ time, don’t ya know?

She “politely” declines and starts walking out. Johnny asks her out on a date. She accepts right in front of Peter, the sad little spider boy. Peter frowns. He’s my favorite frowny character!

Silk swings across the city thinking about what Dr. “Can’t Read” Richards said about anxiety. Pffft, fuck anxiety. It’s not anxiety that’s the problem, it’s Black Cat. She keeps hissing, scaring the bejesus out of her. Making her too preoccupied at work to notice J. Jonah Jameson approaching behind her, telling her to stop working on a Saturday. She ain’t getting paid to work on a Saturday! And he notices the photo of Black Cat on Cindy’s computer. Fact Channel is already running a story on Black Cat! Stop wasting everyone’s time! Especially mine! Not Jameson. ME! The guy writing these words! Leave me alone!

Jameson walks away after telling Cindy to stop wasting her youth working on a Saturday. So she heads to the club to get her freak dance on. “See?” she thinks. “I’m fine. If I was anxious, I couldn’t dance. Right?”

The club is playing Girl Talk, lmao. Is this 2006? Cindy asks her work buddy Lola if she seems anxious to her. Lola is like “uh, maybe” and then like “you okay?”

The “you okay?” question triggers another fun flashback. Cindy’s parents knock on her door; they’re late for church. They open the door and find the aftermath of a bukkake session.

Honey, get the paper towels.

Cindy’s dad starts, like, touching the stuff. “What is all this?” Cindy’s mom rushes over to her web-slinging daughter and tells her that it’s ok. Everything’s going to be ok! Except for the decade in a bunker stuff, plus the mysterious disappearance of her family. Besides that, though, at least it’s slobberin’ time.

Cindy answers Lola’s question. She just has a date tonight, is all. A little nervous. Lola says that he should be nervous, whoever this so-and-so is. He can’t handle that pussy, girlfriend! *high five*

The date is awkward. They don’t know what to say to each other at the restaurant except “hey, um” and “uh”. So they leave and start doing hero shit. “FLAME ON!” he yells while she swings from building to building. They discuss her run-in with Black Cat. Sorry that you ate it. Here’s the trick: her power is luck. Can’t beat luck, though, but you can out-speed luck. Try that. Thanks.

The two sit atop a steel girder at a construction site watching the sunrise.

“Your family… they seem pretty cool,” Cindy says.

“We do put the fun in dysfunctional.”

“Dr. Richards… how often is he wrong?”

“Reed is totally annoying and way boring. But… he’s also rarely wrong.”

Cindy thanks Johnny “Human Flamer” Storm and kisses him on the cheek. Rated PG. Then he lights up in arousal. Rated PG-13.

At the Repairman’s warehouse (the guy who fixed up Dragonclaw), he discusses with Black Cat some business. Some “let’s go get Silk” business.

Repairman made a whole bunch of really cool armor. Black Cat has a small army of really cool armored people. “Go get Silk,” Black Cat says.

Final Thoughts

Ain’t nothing gettin’ Silk except the Human Torch’s flaming penis. You can take that to the (spank) bank, son.