Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #5! In the previous installment, the Fantastic Four save the day! And by that I mean Reed Richards tells Cindy that she may have anxiety, and she gets anxious about it. She goes on a date with the Human Torch and has a good time. Black Cat is gonna go after Silk. And I’m going to refill by bowl of Cap’n Crunch. Everyone’s a winner today!

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [August, 2015]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Harris Porter’s daughter plays with dolls while her babysitter is in the other room. Her name is “Mrs. Bump”, as in, bumped her head on the way down after being assaulted or killed in some way! “You takin’ a nap?” Daughter Porter asks the woman’s lifeless body as she pokes around the living room. Then she turns around and smiles at the assailant in the room. “Hello. Are you a kitty cat?”

Meanwhile, Cindy is at work during a slow news day. Ample time to snoop around the internet looking up traces of her missing family. “And even though I keep coming up empty…” she thinks. “…I have to keep trying.”

Flashback to Cindy and her brother Albert talking in one of their bedrooms.

“Cindy? I’m scared…”

“I know, Albert. I don’t know what’s happening. And it scares me, too. But mom thinks we can–”

“I’m scared of you,” Albert says, tears in his eyes. Cindy tries to reach out in a VERY CONSOLING MATTER, but he shrieks at her to not touch him. Just stay away! And don’t touch his stuff either, he doesn’t want to scrape web spooge off of his Nintendo Switch!

J. Jonah Jameson, aka Newspaper Hitler, snoops around Cindy’s computer and tells her to stop her Facebookin’. Then he realizes that he’s looking at records! Not just any records! Police records!

Cindy decides to tell the truth. “That’s… that’s my family. They’re missing.”

Jameson perks up!

I know that you look like dogshit and you smell like a container of tongue depressors.

So Cindy spills the beans on everything that she has found out so far. I mean, besides that they ran away after she was bitten by a radioactive spider. Or that she was in a bunker for ten years. Or that she cavorts around in pajamas fighting crime. Other than that, everything.

Jameson is surprisingly empathetic. He even offers to help her using his NYPD connections! “It’s okay to get help, Cindy,” he says before telling her to get back to work. Next up! Some dude named Harris Porter’s babysitter got knocked out. Daughter missing. Let’s put this on the Fact Channel right away, this sounds like a fact to me!

Cindy recognizes the name, of course, and sets out to do her Silky thing. Thinking that Harris is still up to no dang good, she scopes out his apartment building. Police cars are out front, and… wait a minute… Silk-Sense… tingling… whuzzat! An armed man in the alley! No shit! Let’s go say hi!

And it’s a coked-up looking Harris Porter wearing his dragon costume. “This is all your fault,” he froths.

“My fault? Pretty sure I didn’t kidnap your daughter.”

“There was a note. All they want is you.”

“Who wants me?”

“Black Cat.”

So it’s a ransom, then, is it? I’ll show her ransom! I’ll–

Silk needs to retrieve the Porter Kid from Black Cat personally, or else she’ll take a big dump in an envelope and mail it to you. And she’ll do this every single day.

She’s not all you have! What about your collection of toast with Jesus’ face on them?

Cindy Silky Moon is on the case! No poop in the mail for her! “I’m not afraid,” she thinks. “I’m angry.”

Dragonclaw and Silk scope out the roof of Black Cat’s place and are certain they are walking into a trap. Luckily, our intrepid Spider-Man has been called to do all the heavy lifting! He prances around the roof a bit and tells Silk that he needs to talk to her for a hot minute.

“What is he doing here?” Spider-Man asks, eyeballing Dragonclaw.

“It’s his daughter that’s in trouble.”

So, yes, Dragonclaw “The Bad Guy” Magoo is involved, like it or not. And since it’s Spider-Man’s fault that Black Cat is bad now [Editor’s Note: See The Most Big, Beautiful, Amazing Spider-Man, Issue #401,339], he’ll help her help him help everyone!

As they chat, Dragonclaw takes it upon himself to crash through the roof and start taking down some motherfuckers. There are plenty of henchmen for these three to start beating up. Meanwhile, little Marie Porter is tied to a chair in a dark room. The girl is starstruck as Silk busts into the room and unties her. “That kitty cat is a butt,” Marie says. “You said it,” Silk responds.

Reunited at last, and it only took seventeen seconds! Harris and Marie share a hug… until…

…

Black Cat enters the room. Eek! “Sorry we’re late,” she says all sly and villainous. Silk orders her companions to leave, so now she’s all alone with Black Cat and about four other burly dudes wearing armored suits.

“What the hell is your problem?” Silk asks.

“You cost me money,” Black Cat answers. Oh, well, ok, so kidnap a child about it. Real mature.

You’re P-List at best, newbie.

Fight time! Black Cat’s henchmen fire soundwaves from their palms, rendering Silk incapacitated. I guess spidery-types are prone to sound sickness? “I hope you had your fun while it lasted, kid,” Black Cat sneers. “’Cause your time is–”

Then Black Cat gets blasted through the brick wall and out to the street. She doesn’t die. Even Shaq would be dead.

And then her henchmen’s suits start “ticking”. Then KABOOM. Shit blows up in the building. Black Cat’s out on the street going “Grrrr, you win again!” And that’s that.

Later, Silk wakes up strapped to an operating table. “Am I dead?” she thinks, slowly opening her eyes. “No. Not yet, anyway. What the crap happened?” All she remembers is that she was hurt by sound and then someone grabbed her and now she’s in some dude’s basement.

It’s Repairman. He who made Dragonclaw’s fancy Dragonsuit.

“You work for Black Cat…” Silk mutters.

“Oh, I don’t work for Black Cat… Cindy.” Repairman smiles very wryly. A little too wryly if you ask me. “I work for the people who have your family.”

Oh snap.

Final Thoughts

Cindy’s family sucked anyway. Good riddance. Find a new family.