Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6

* Part 6 of 7 of the Life and Times of Cindy Moon storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6! In the previous installment, Dragonclaw’s (Harris Porter) daughter (Marie Porter) gets kidnapped (abducted) by Black Cat (James Spader) and only Silk (Cindy Moon) can stop her! With the help of Spider-Man, of course (a butt).

Unfortunately, while Black Cat was getting owned, someone grabbed a nearly unconscious Silk from Black Cat’s lair and now she’s strapped to an operating table by Repairman, who declares that he works for the people who have Silk’s family!

So, the plot thickens, as they say. Let’s see what happens next! (nothing)

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #6 [October, 2015]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

You think a couple of chains and shackles can hold back Silk?? Nothing can hold back Silk! Not even gluten!

Flashback. Cindy is packing a suitcase. Her mother is worried. “I don’t trust this Ezekiel,” she says. “What if—what if he wants to experiment on you? Cut you open, see how… whatever this is works?”

Then she’ll be worse for wear! Shut up, mother.

“Honestly? Compared to what he’s offering… that sounds easier,” Cindy responds, really putting her mother at ease. What a nice, wholesome conversation. I’m glad things all worked out.

Flashforward to Silk secured to the operating table. Her fingers are blocked, so there is to be no webs today! But… she can wiggle… maybe… just maybe… she can wiggle… herself…

“I’m not going to be able to use any sedatives, so you may want to save your breath for screaming,” Repairman says with an air of jubilation in his voice.

Meanwhile, Spider-Man is looking for that lady he has a crush on. You know. Silk. He finds Black Cat among some rubble, and she asks Spider-Man where the FUCK Silk went.

Black Cat was double-crossed, see. Bamboozled, see. Hoodwinked, see. And now she has no idea where Silk went. She just knows that she’s alive… “…but not for long.”

Don’t get silky with the guy looking close-up at your unmentionables.

Repairment examines Silk with a comically large magnifying glass. He knows about the spider bite, much to her amazement and confusion. “Keep him talking,” she thinks. “Distracted. And, y’know. Not cutting into me.”

She asks about her family. Repairman has no idea about them, but hoo boy does he know the people who took them. Very powerful people. Some of the most powerful people he’s ever known. Kobe Bryant pre-helicopter crash powerful. Deep pockets. “They’ve gone to such great lengths. Watched your ever move in that bunker. So, I knew anyone worth that much to them… would be worth a whole lot more on the black market.”

Silk gets nervous. People have been watching her for ten fucking years? Like, showering and pooping in the corner?

“Who the hell are they?” she asks.

“I have no idea,” he responds. “And I don’t care.” He presents a scalpel. Silk keeps wiggling. He’s about to poke her in the leg when, suddenly, there’s a CRACK. And the wiggling worked! She breaks free and sucker punches this douchebag right in the temple.

He’s irate now, son. He’s about to really let Silk have it, but Black Cat shows up and knocks Repairman unconscious with an unidentified flying object. Perhaps it was a bust of Danny DeVito. He goes “GUH!” and falls to the floor. Then Black Cat whips him. Then she throws a pie in his face. Then she nuzzles him. Then they all go out for pizza.

Then Black Cat throws him through a column the supports the ceiling! The roof starts crumbling! Gotta act fast! Gotta THOOM!

THOOMing always works!

Silk fears that the roof has collapsed onto Repairman, killing him. I don’t know why she fears this. I would have wanted him dead. “YOU KILLED HIM!” she screams to Black Cat, fire in her eyes. Silk runs at her intending to tackle her and/or pull on her ears really hard.

“I didn’t kill him. The ceiling killed him,” Black Cat refutes. Then she roundhouse kicks Silk in the head, knocking her through a… third-story window. Black Cat grabs Silk’s hair, basically scalping her to keep her from plummeting to her death. “It doesn’t have to be like this. You could come work for me. People who work for me don’t wind up on operating tables. Or hanging for their lives by their hair.”

Silk is just mad as shit! Mad as balls! That Repairman knew about her family, and Black Cat comes in and just fucks that all up for her! Silk brandishes her claws (apparently) and slices through the chunk of hair that Black Cat is holding onto. Silk falls and THWIPs some webs onto Black Cat’s titties. She falls with her, and bangs around emergency exit ladders and other forms of scaffolding.

I beat up old women for breakfast! Haha! What!

When Black Cat lands, Silk punches the everloving fuck out of her face. Yeah gurl. Black Cat finally topples to the street and lands on top of a parked car. Anyone else would’ve died, but this is a comic book! No one dies in comic books! Except Captain America, hopefully, one day.

In fact, Black Cat perks up right away and attempts to fight back… but then decides to call it a draw. Some real copout stuff here. “I’ll see you soon, Rookie. And think about my offer. Or next time, one of us doesn’t walk away.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a badass. Silk sits back and takes the time to finally catch her breath. She barely gets to do even that when WHO SHOULD POP IN but Spider-Man. He, of course, asks if she’s ok. She’s not.

Silk removes her mask. “The jerk who took me… he knew something about where my parents are. She killed him. I’m never gonna find them, am I?”

Spider-Man makes a face (which is impressive, considering the mask) and is all like “YO, QUEEN, THAT AIN’T TRUE.”

“Cin… did you mean what you said? That I should have left you in the bunker?”

The rain has soaked her to the bone. She admits that, no, she didn’t mean that. It’s just that freedom is hard. So very, very hard. Harder than imprisonment, which sounds pretty sweet actually if it wasn’t for all the prison beatings and all the bread and water.

Cindy returns to her cozy little bunker. Remembering what Repairman said about the surveillance, she starts kicking around furniture and bashing open walls, eventually finding the camera. She then decides she has a lot of stress and anxiety, so she makes her way to the roof calls the number of the psychiatrist that smelly Reed Richards provided to her.

“I’ll get some help. Getting help is good. I mean, it’s not the end of the world, right?”

Behind her, the end of the world is happening. That giant red planet is crashing toward Manhattan.