Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 2), Issue #2! In the previous installment, Silk has been getting acclimated to outside-the-bunker life pretty well… except for the fact that she’s a good guy pretending to be a bad guy pretending to be a good guy, I guess. She’s working with Mockingbird to bring down her reputation in order to get on the good side of some of the bad guys S.H.I.E.L.D. is trying to apprehend, like Black Cat. It’s not going so well so far; the public still thinks Silk is a hero. Which she IS! But she doesn’t want to look like she is. It’s complicated.

Meanwhile, the Goblin King is up against Black Cat, just like S.H.I.E.L.D., so Silk is going to get involved with Goblin King soon and it’s gonna get bloody and gorey and sexy.

And Silk is trying to find her parents. Good luck with that one, chumpette.

Silk (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [February, 2016]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Black Cat and Silk are kicking some Hydra ass right now. They win. “You did good tonight, Silk,” Black Cat tells her later after the fray. There’s another guy with a blond ponytail sticking out of his mask, which looks infinitely stupid. I don’t know his name, but I’m going to call him Ponytail Jones.

“We’re hitting an Alechmax facility tonight,” says Black Cat, smirking. “Nine on the dot.”

They’ve been stealing all this weird tech – armor, batteries – and Silk wants to know what it’s all going to be for. Ponytail Jones tells her to put a sock in it and just continue with the punching and the kicking and the “oh it hurts please stop”. “Great,” Silk thinks. “Cat’s been stealing tech all over town for weeks. And I have no idea why. Just have to keep earning her trust. Maybe I’ll do that after a nap.” But there’s no time for a nap, because Silk just now realizes that the sun is coming up and it’s time for her shift at the Daily Bugle! D’oh!

Cindy’s sleepiness draws the attention of her hipster stoner coworkers. One of them, Lola, asks what’s going on. Cindy puts a sock in it. It’s what she does best these days.

A package sits on Cindy’s desk. She opens it up and finds an envelope addressed to “Silk”, which makes her panic as all get-out. It holds a return address to the middle of nowhere. A return address to the middle of nowhere in a sealed envelope addressed to “Silk”. She turns to the intern and asks who left this pile of turds on her desk, but the intern doesn’t know. It’s not from him, that’s for ding-dang sure, and he puts all the mail on everyone’s desk! Why? What’s in it? Cookies? Is it cookies? Hey, where are you going?

There’s a gremlin on the side of the train!

After catching up on work with zero sleep, Cindy goes all Silky and swings around trying to figure out who could know her secret identity and why they’re trying to contact her at her place of business. “Thing is… my Silk Sense isn’t tingling. Maybe whoever left this note… is an ally? Maybe? Please?”

Or maybe Goblin Nation sent the note and she’s walking into a tarp! I mean, trap. Trap is what I meant.

The address leads Silk to a manhole near an arrow, pointing down, painted on the wall of the building. “That’s not creepy. Nope. Not even a little.” She looks exasperated as she descends into the sewer’s catacombs. There’s something familiar about this place. Oh, wait, that’s the smell of poop.

Silk rounds a corner and spots two goblins patrolling. One has a Mr. Spock Vulcan haircut. Silk leaps up into a ventilation shaft and tries to slink down the pipe. A few dozen feet later, she hears voices that don’t sound much like guards. They sound like busy beavers! Or, rather, goblin teenagers hanging out in a room filled with bunk beds. They all look like they’re having a gay old time to me. As she peaks through a vent, it gives away and Silk falls into the room with a CRUSH THUD WHIIIIRRR OINK.

Silk wants to help, but the goblin kids start fucking freaking out and proceed to try kicking her ass because a) she might work for Black Cat, and b) how rude to barge in like this! Since there are about 20 kids in the room, she goes down pretty quickly. BUT, ‘LO, SUDDENLY a figure dressed like an electrical bat enters the room and flashes a bright-ass light in everyone’s eyeballs, saving Silk from the pile of Angry Goblin Children. She then tries to help again, but these kids want to punch her face, so it’s not working very well at all, honestly. Then a goblin pulls a fire alarm and initiates a defeaning noise.

At least we have a couple of KFC Famous Bowls waiting for us at home!

The electric bird zaps and poofs out of the room as quick as he/she came, leaving Silk in the dust. “I’ll see myself out, then,” she says despondently. “Well, this is perfect. I have Goblin Nation goons chasing after me. And I’m late to a heist. Multi-tasking really isn’t my thing.”

She finds her way out of the sewer and swings around town thinking about who she calls the “Smoky Mystery Dude”. Who is he? From whence did he come? Was he there to help? And WHY did he smell like Hormel Chili?

Silk lands on a roof to meet up with Black Cat and Ponytail Jones. She is late for her “nine on the dot” call time, but she was trying to investigate Goblin Nation. Well, Ponytail Jones (“Shrike”, but I like “Ponytail Jones” better) will follow up with Goblin Nation, ma’am. For now, they’ve got bigger fish to fry! Well, maybe not bigger fish. Maybe just other fish.

They infiltrate the building and steal another suitcase full of tasty, tasty tech. When they emerge back to the rooftop, they see a news helicopter hovering over them. “This is all kinds of bad,” Silk thinks, eyes wide as dinner plates. She recognizes it as NOT a Fact Channel copter, which is going to piss off the great J. Jonah J. J. Jameson. At least, though, it’ll help Silk’s bad reputation, so she’s got that going for her. *Joan Jett music plays in the background*

JJJ is going to call AAA before heading off to his meeting with the KKK.

Black Cat is waiting on the street for Silk. “You did great tonight, kid,” she lies. “Killer Shrike followed up on your Goblin Nation lead. We need to take care of them once and for all.” If Silk helps with that, then she’s part of the Bad Club for Bad Dudes and Also Bad Ladies (BCBDABL, they’re working on the acronym).

Silk intends to retire for the evening, but hahaha the sun is coming up again. Second day in a row with zero sleep, loser. Have fun yawning right in Jameson’s beady-eyed little face.

“ANALOG!” yells Jameson. “How did we miss this story!” He points to a TV showing Silk traipsing around rooftops.

“What the hell is going on with Silk?” asks a voice across the room. “Has Silk gone bad?”

It’s Peter Parker in a sharp-ass pinstripe suit, and he’s staring daggers at the now-sheepish Cindy. Ulp!

Final Thoughts

Get that fuckin’ guy out of here! It’s not like Cindy Moon pops into every Spider-Man comic and guys “hey man whatcha doin’?” MEN FEEL THE NEED TO HORN THEMSELVES INTO EVERYTHING, DON’T THEY? Now I’m pissed. Fuck you, Peter Parker.