Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 2), Issue #3! In the previous installment, Cindy Moon stays up for two straight days working on earning the trust of Black Cat by helping her with her various mysterious heists. She has one more task before she’s in the Club: take care of Goblin Nation. Easy peasy.

In the meantime, bad press is making the rounds! So much so that stinky Peter Parker has caught wind that SILK MIGHT BE BAD?!?! So now he’s going to have a friendly fucking chat with his so-called quote-unquote “ally”. And he’s going to be all moral and nauseating about it too. WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT BIG BONERS. Go to hell, Parker.

Silk (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [March, 2016]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

“I don’t have a ton of relationship experience,” Silk says as we see her stage a rooftop fight with Spider-Man. “I can’t believe you talked me into this,” he says before chastising her about working undercover for Black Cat.

“Cat has been stealing tech from everyone. It’s up to me to stop it. From within,” Silk says. Spider-Man is like, yeah, dude, she stole from me too. It was my best toaster. It told you when the toast was done as it popped up. It says “YAY! TOAST!” But Spider-Man wants to know what the deal is with the undercover business.

Silk reminisces about her various relationship issues. Fights with her ex-boyfriend Hector. “One time we didn’t talk for a week,” she says. She thought about that week a lot while she was jerkin’ it in the bunker. The silence and distance was just what the doctor ordered!

Later, masks off, Parker throws his hands up in the air. “…I wish you had told me,” he says exasperated. Cindy points out that he was too busy playing superhero to get involved. None of his damn fucking business anyway. But, because a man wants to know details, she caves and gives the man her fucking details. “Black Cat has only gotten bigger and badder. She’s stealing tech to get bigger-er and badder-er. I tried to go at her head-on, but it’s too late for that now.”

Peter Parker starts scolding Cindy, but she turns it around. Rightly so. Then she says S.H.I.E.L.D.’s involved with it and they’re helping her find her parents. So butt the hell out, dipwad! Up your nose with a rubber hose, creep!

No one cares what you think, Pisspants Parker.

Cindy tells Parker that she found her brother and that he is now in rehab getting twelve kinds of rehabilitated. Goblin Nation fucked him up but good, you see. Now he’s a drooling mess! But this is Cindy’s opening to tear Goblin Nation a new b-hole and get on Black Cat’s even gooder-er side!

Anyway, let’s see if the staged fight had any impact on the news cycle…

“…why Spider-Man would attack a known and beloved hero like Silk is beyond any–” reports J. Jonah Jameson over the waves. Cindy collapses despondently. Parker dons his mask and tells Cindy to be careful. If he can’t stop her from doing this dumbass stuff, then at least he can say stuff like “I still don’t like this” that falls on deaf ears.

It’s times like these – disappointing people like Peter “Itchy Nipples” Parker – that makes her wish she was still locked up in her bunker alone. Kinda. Not really.

At work, coworkers try to goad Cindy into hanging out that night, but she’s busy. They’re like “Come on!” and she’s like “No.” Then they’re like “Coooommmmeee onnnnn!!” and she’s like “Nuh-uh.” Maybe next week. Or in a month. Or when the Earth gets engulfed by the sun.

Maybe she’s just trying to shield herself from people wanting to genuinely help her. Maybe she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. Or maybe she’s just shy? Or maybe she’s just a dick! In the end, Cindy agrees to hang out with them that night even though she has a multitude of other more pressing matters to take of, like beating up goblins and fake-fighting some Avengers.

Silk doesn’t go bad! Now cotton, that stuff will mold like no one’s business!

Also, Albert. Cindy’s brother. He doesn’t remember what might have happened to their parents except that they said they were going out for cigarettes and then they never came back!

Albert shows her a newspaper with the front page headline “SILK GONE BAD?” “Be safe… okay?” he says worriedly. Cindy promises nothing. Nothing! “Safety” is her middle name between “I Don’t Care About” and “At All, And You Can Take That To The Bank Or My Name Ain’t Cindy ‘Silk’ Moon”.

Cindy visits her therapist later to talk about her bunker trauma. As in, she misses the bunker. And when asked how that makes her feel, she spends a minute thinking (YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE THE CLOCK’S BIG HAND MOVES BETWEEN PANELS. VERY SMART). She says it makes her feel safe, and when asked what that desire to be safe makes her feel, Cindy says “angry”.

“Anger. We keep coming back to that, don’t we?”

“FUCK YOU, CUNT.”

Actually, Cindy decides that it’s time to end the session. She shuffles out uncomfortably trying to think about what it is that actually makes her angry. Is it her therapist’s enormous popped collar? Because that’s making me angry…

She runs through it all in her head much later. “Loss. Time. Inheritors. Ezekiel. The fact that nowadays everyone is together but they’re all staring at small screens.” OK, Boomer.

As Silk, she encounters a gaggle of teenage goblin thugs throwing Goblin Pumpkin Bombs at buildings. It makes Silk go “grrrrrr”, so she becomes a human slingshot courtesy of her own webbing and smacks two of them at 900 mph. “Anger schmanger. Just need to let off a little steam. That’s how anger management works, right?”

Awww, when’s the wedding?

Later, Black Cat asks Silk to go back to the Goblin Nation’s underground city and take Shrike Ponytail Jones with her. “I don’t need a babysitter,” Silk grumbles. Black Cat doesn’t care. Take him anyway. He can pick locks and forage for weeds to make potions. So down into the sewers they both go.

“How long have you worked for Cat?” Silk asks Shrike.

“None of your business,” Shrike responds.

“That long, huh? Do you get health benefits after a year? I’m looking to get my teeth capped.”

“You should try less talking and focus on finding this ‘underground city.’ If it even exists.”

They walk through a door in less than 10 seconds and Shrike stares in utter disbelief. “Toldja,” Silk says.

It’s a castle with a pumpkin on top. It looks like the kind of place you’d infiltrate in Paper Mario. “I’m not sold on their color scheme,” says Silk. “But it is impressive.”

They both cross the moat and climb into a duct to try to sneak in undetected. It works for some reason even though there are 152 goblins patrolling the area. They see a training ground where goblins engage in cute little swordfights. Shrike says it looks like The Hunger Games. Silk is like “DURRRR DARRRR WHAT’SA HUNGER GAMS?” Suddenly, her Silk Sense is tingling so hard that she has the orgasm of her life. Probably because they’re in a dangerous place full of dangerous goblins, maybe? Ever think of that one?

“They’re taking in and training kids. Building a generation of thugs.” She explains to Shrike that she has sort of a sixth sense and that there’s danger afoot! And Shrike agrees vehemently! He agrees vehemently because, with a giant evil smile on his face, he shoves her off the top of the castle and down into the training grounds. The group of goblins are very surprised, as one might expect.

“So much for being safe.”

Final Thoughts

HOW IS SILK GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE?! Maybe she’ll tell all the goblin kids to stay in school, and then they’ll stay in school. Ain’t nobody who stayed in school turned to a life of white-collar crime! Problem solved. *dusts off hands*