Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95 – “Krypton Lives!” In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, Lois and Clark are married. Lex Luthor sold the Daily Planet back and now everything is back to normal! It’s revealed that Lois convinced Lex to sell the newspaper back in exchange for ONE story, at any time of Lex’s choosing, to be completely disregarded! If Lex says don’t write about this story, then Lois Lane will not write about this story.

Also some douche named Mongul, or at least the son of the guy named Mongul (and he’s also named Mongul) needs Superman’s help with something. It’s unclear.

None of this matters! This is a completely different series today anyway! There’s no way any of this is going to get addressed! Onward.

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95 [December, 1999]
Written by: Mark Schultz
“Krypton Lives”

“Strange visitor from another planet”! Oh no! Are you telling me that Superman has been on Earth for decades, with literally thousands of issues of comic books addressing this situation, and it’s still not a resolved problem??

The scene: Antarctica. Or rather, “somewhere in the Antarctic”, because it doesn’t matter where. It’s a big, useless pile of cold land. A Lexcorp team is doing their shifty business on the continent, whatever that may be, probably digging around looking for Lex Luthor’s virginity. Oh wait, never mind, it’s never been lost!

“Let’s go, L-Team! Go! Go! Go! Everyone back to the VTOL! MOVE IT! Ion levels are fluctuating like crazy!” bellows the L-Team leader. I wonder what the “L” stands for. I have a pretty good guess.

The suited team runs back to their aircraft. The leader radios back to their base to tell them that their mission is complete, luckily, because “they’re about to get clobbered by one weird mother energy storm”. Hey, that’s my new band name: One Weird Mother.

Leader hangs back, staring at a hovering entity in the air. “I don’t get it,” the leader says to one of his men, “the entire time it just floats there…watching…something…something, but not us.”

It’s an icy, white-faced Superman. A menacing Superman. Whatever, they got what they came for, let’s go before this guy decides to hurt us at the last minute and AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

The ground splits open, revealing fiery chasms to Hell! The two lagging members of the Loser-Team book it to their aircraft as the ground shakes, rumbles, rattles, and rolls!

Oh, I’m sorry, is there a problem, officer?

This Superman-y robot Terminator turns on his eyeball blinkers and stares puzzled into the opening earth. Just a bunch of “ZZZZ?” and “???” and “?” as he gazes like a dumb deer into the Hellmouth. Eventually, something large and fast emerges from the rift! Mighty claws, giant, massive demon claws, oh man these claws! There’s, like, five of these claws! They grab the Superman robot and work toward pulling him down, down, down into the molten abyss! Superman Robot all like “?!”

Is this robot going to be the titular “man of steel”? A neverending cavalcade of wacky hijinks starring an android that keeps going “??!?”?

“Hey Clark, pass me the stapler.”
“?”
“Yo, Superman, my cat’s stuck in a tree!”
“???!?”
“Superman! Help! Metropolis is being razed to the ground by Elon Musk and his SpaceX Giant Centipedes!”
“??!!!?”

Speaking of Metropolis, Jimmy “Goldenballs” Olsen got invited to Lois and Clark’s pad in the heart of the city! I guess we’re not following the robot around afterall. “It’s great to be able to compare notes, what with the Daily Planet being back and us getting rehired and all,” Jimmy says! Hey, nice exposition dialogue! There’s that kernel of continuity I’m happy to lap up like a dog!

I guess it’s been literal years since any of them worked. Jimmy is thrilled to be holding a camera again. He simply cannot believe the technological advancements within the last few years alone! The late ‘90s are something else! Why, his 20-pound digital camera can hold up to 14 kB of memory! Far out, man! Mambo #5!

That, plus the internet! Cool stuff there too, man. With international news and all those language barriers, the VISUAL IMAGE is king! You got that right, Jimmy! *ruffles his hair and gives him a noogie*

Lois, Clark, and Jimmy’s genial chat about work is interrupted by the “VREEP VREEP VREEP” of a strange alarm. Jimmy gets up and starts poking around the living room like he owns the place. “GUYS…! It–it’s the head of Superman’s drone robot,” he says, pulling out a large gold visor apparatus from on top of the fireplace mantel and behind the books. Busted!

Uhhhh… that’s not a robot head, that’s…uh, one of our SEX TOYS! Heh heh! Right, honey?… now be a good lad and give it back.

Jimmy is freaking the fuck out! Clark stays cool and gives him a charming smile. It’s just a Superman radio/alarm clock! A collectible! Pretty stupid stuff, he got it for Lois as a jokey joke! You know how she is, right Jimmy? LEGS OPEN AND READY FOR SUPERMAN AT ALL TIMES! Ha ha ha! Right, Lois? *gulp*

Clark asks the “radio” to “please isolate microwave bandwidth .001479 short, and broadcast”, and it’s tuned to a traffic report. Jimmy is satisfied, especially the verbal command response! Very futuristic. Kinda like Siri or Alexa!

Ha ha…yeah… Lois starts pushing the kid out the door. “Afraid we’re going to have to ask you to hit the road,” she says curtly. An appointment, you see! That’s…that’s why the alarm went off! On the robot head! Clock, I mean “clock”. It’s a clock! Right, see: 1:58pm hurf durf! Ok, by Jimmy. *slam*

Once the ginger kid is shoved out, Lois chides her dear husband about leaving Kryptonian artifacts all over the dang house! “But I need Kelex to help me keep tabs on the ruins of the fortress…” he says, like Lois just told him to throw out a few old video game controllers from his man cave. He asks his robot head why the alarm went off; the device tells him in some very robotic green text that the Super Robot stationed at Superman’s fortress reports a flare-up! That seems like a mild way of saying “a fucking portal to Hell opened on Earth”.

Also, there were some humans there. This unsettles Clark. “Current danger? Effects of intrusion?” Negative on the danger, boss! However, there is something adjacent to danger! The humans took something from the premises. Something unknown. You’re gonna have to go and see for yourself because the sentry robot didn’t do a very good job sentrying, apparently.

That’s just what Clark plans to do. Lois wants to fly with him to Antarctica, but he doesn’t wanna do that. First of all, it’s Antarctica. Second of all, no.

Plus, all this malarkey about “women owning property” has me a bit discombobulated!

“Come on– I know next to nothing about your Kryptonian heritage. This is your chance to teach me a thing or two,” Lois whines.

Third of all, no.

“Besides, I’m your wife,” she smiles, “and by law that makes the fortress 50 percent mine.”

Fine. Die in Antarctica if you want to, who gives a shit.

So, clad in a winter coat and sunglasses, Superman flies her bony butt to the inhuman frigidity of the South Pole. There’s an aurora in the distance, quite borealis-like if you will, surrounding the location of the fortress. “It’s weird–” Superman proclaims, “it’s the visual fallout of the trace singularity that is the lingering essence of the fortress.”

Yeah, ok nerd. Can you please just give Lois the WiFi password once you get there?

Superman is perplexed. Where’s that robot at?! He was supposed to keep an eye on things! “When you came for me,” Superman begins referencing something I have no fucking frame of reference for, “when you came to wrest me from Dominus’ manipulations, you called the fortress a shrine to a dead planet.”

Whoops! Yeah, that was a little mean, wasn’t it? “I was angry,” she says, defending her loathsome actions and words, “desperate to shock you out of your complacency…”

But Superman is starting to agree with that sentiment. Has he really tried to maintain Krypton’s legacy? I mean, has he really tried to keep the memory of Krypton alive?

Yuck, Superman’s in one of his self-hatred moods again. HEY, there’s the robot down there in that chasm! Whew, good. Lois didn’t want to have to listen to that man mope and cry again, like he did last night during their sexual escapades! *wink*

“Hey, Super Robot! What are you doing down there?” Superman asks jovially, as if the robot is his impish little son.
“I stand by to observe further phenomena as per your directive, Kal-El,” responds the android in cute, red blocky text.
“‘Super Robot’ just doesn’t cut it,” proclaims Lois, butting the fuck into the conversation, “How about ‘Ned’?”

Yes, yes, we all had that one Uncle Ned who touched us just a little bit too inappropriately.

Well, we’re getting nowhere fast here, aren’t we? Superman ignores his wife and presses his robotic counterpart for more information. “Manifestations last appeared from this fissure,” explains Ned. Ned the Robot. “Biological entities of unknown origin, preceded by an increased flux in trace singularity activity and geophysical disturbances.”

Sounds fun! A real laugh riot! This robot is a funny guy! Lots of personality! At least 95% of the personality that Clark has, if I did my math correctly.

So what do you mean, then, Robot Buddy? Strange underground creatures that scurried away when those pesky humans were here stealing the whatever? The thing? And who are these humans, huh buddy? A team of 12 LexCorp agents? That’s fucked up!

Ugghhh, this sucks. “I should have never brought Lois,” Superman thinks to himself, because, obviously, bringing a human woman to Antarctica was a great plan until now, eh? “Too many unknown factors…”

Time to start shaming the robot. “Why didn’t you intercept the scavengers?” Superman asks rather crossly. And you don’t want to make him cross, oh no. “My instructions are to observe and report phenomena associated with the anomaly…” Ned says simply. Take that, smartypants, ya idiot. Observe and report, that’s it. That’s all. And here’s a little bonus punch for you, Spandex Man: the phenomena associated with the anomaly has started up again! Rumble rumble!

Superman freaks out and scrambles and flops and works on trying to get Lois out of there before–

K-K-KRZAAAK RRRRRRRMMMMM!! That’s the Earth splitting open again, shooting up geysers of acrid Hellsmoke into everyone’s faces. Lois is scared! Superman is trying to figure some shit out, so pipe down, lady! “The phenomena flared when I came for Kelex, and when the LexCorp team trespassed. Human presence must somehow agitate the anomaly!”

Double bonehead move for bringing Lois along, huh? Side note: I don’t know who/what Kelex is exactly, or why Clark needs him/her/it to “keep tabs on the fortress”, or why it’s human enough to cause geophysical disturbances in Antarctica, or if the previous 94 issues of Superman: Man of Steel would help answer those questions. I don’t know ANY of that! And I’m happy enough with my ignorance at this time.

Anyway, here’s another image:

Who did you just call your “bloated perversion of your birthing matrix”, pal? Go fuck yourself, this marriage is over.

This “bloated perversion of Superman’s birthing matrix” appears as a large ball of orange energy with various rocky-looking demon parts attempting to jut themselves out of it. Just these toothy, eyeless, horrible screeching creatures. I’m told that these creatures existed as part of Krypton’s prehistoric past, so they’re like Kryptonian dinosaurs! And they look like they haven’t eaten in 150 million years! Superman frantically struggles to hold one at bay while keeping Lois safe from Kryptonian dinosaurs and geophysical anomalies and weird sentry robots and Antarctic chills! Why, oh why, did Lois want to come?? She’s so stupid! Arrrghh!

“Super Robot! Get Lois Lane to safe– –OOOF!”

Super Robot works on getting Lois to safeooof even though such a command makes no sense!
The dinosaur pins Superman to the ground while Lois shouts Clark’s name over and over again like that’ll help. The robot flies her out of there. Many more dinosaurs attempt to make short work of Kal-El the Mighty!

You think Lois couldn’t hold her own against these jerks? Come on, let her have a chance.

Superman calls all this shit “madness”, but that’s not a good word to describe what’s going on here. There seems to be a “method” to this “madness”.

“They must be– they are the children of the creator of the fortress!” he declares. I was going along with him for a moment there, but now he’s lost me again. Children of the creator of the fortress? These dinosaur bitches? Ugh. Fine.

“They are the work of the Eradicator! That ancient Kryptonian survival program JUST– WON’T– DIE!” Superman grunts, catching us all up on the immortality of the, what was it now, the “Eradicator”. My nickname in college.

Good thing this Superman fellow is literally made out of steel, as I understand it. He’s not going to die right here and right now! This Eradicator comrade, he is working toward rebuilding the fortress, possibly even Krypton itself, by using the birthing matrix to recreate Krypton’s primeval life. Did you get all that? It sounds convoluted, but hey, the Eradicator is nothing if not convoluted! I mean, motivated.

These bitches are tough! Kryptonian creatures get their strength from the Earth’s yellow sun, and they’re no exception! Oh god, does Superman wish they were the exception!

Now seems to be a stellar opportunity for some birthing matrix-related flashbackin’. It’s not like Superman is currently very busy. Let’s see, blah blah blah blah blah. Jor-El, Superman’s dad, he broke the rules by not “staying removed from his bride”. And he and Lara learned that “ancient hatreds” were killing the planet, they launched their only son into the vast emptiness of space for fun.

“SNAP OUT OF IT CLARK,” Clark says to himself, snapping out of it, “FOCUS! These things are pure aggression.”

It’s been very fun reading Superman fight these losers for 475 pages, but now it’s getting old and I’m getting tired and also vice-versa. These stupid dinosaurs have been running your life for too long, Kal-El old boy! Fight fire with fire!

Oh my! A blatant, obvious show stopper is in our midst? Good timing, sir, the comic book is almost over!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the fiendish reptiles become easier to beat and Superman wonders why. And then he doesn’t wonder why anymore, because he figures it out! “These are animals designed for prehistoric Krypton’s hellish climate! The further they move from the tremendous heat generated by the matrix and into the polar cold, the more their biological systems slow down!”

Cool, man, so you could’ve just flown home? I understand now.

But no, it wouldn’t be Superman if he just flew home! He has to do something super! If that means “altering environmental conditions”, then by god, he’ll alter environmental conditions! It’s like pressing a button on a microwave, beep boop all done.

He creates a clockwise rotation in the atmosphere, which creates a micro-front of pressure in the southern hemisphere and overcomes the hot air radiating from the matrix. Duh. It worked! It’s too cold and the dinosaurs are crying! Huzzah! They’re retreating from whence they came! Double huzzah!

No time to party yet. Especially not in a manner that is hearty. These creatures weren’t generated out of nothing! “Somehow the Eradicator program– the original architect of the fortress…has twisted my birthing matrix to create…KRYPTON ON EARTH!” Superman declares!

I’m…uh, I think he already said this kind of thing multiple times? Why does he keep saying this information over and over again? Does Mark Schultz think his readers can’t remember what they just read three pages ago? Does Superman even know he’s just talking to himself? Does Superman know that Robot Superman is boning Lois right now as we speak??

Anyway, the bottom line here is that “the fortress is willing itself back into existence”, and that’s not at all something that we can withstand! We won’t tolerate this nonsense! Superman’s gonna burn this motherfucker into oblivion with his Hot Eyeballs. “Melt it into slag and seal it over!” ZZZZ-TOOM! That oughta do it.

Certainly not a permanent solution, but it will buy him time until he thinks of a better plan!

(He won’t. He won’t at all. He’ll forget this ever happened in the first place. The next issue will concentrate on Superman’s cuckoo clock that keeps revealing his secret identity at the stroke of every hour while Jimmy Olsen repeatedly tries jerking off in their dining room.)

Directive #1: The Superbathroom needs more Supertoilet paper! Directive #2: The SuperFord Focus is upside-down in a ditch again!

Superman flies to the cold rock where Lois is waiting with her very talkative friend. “You’ve destroyed all the remains of your birthworld…” she laments, sobbing into Superman’s puffy muscles, but then the ground starts shaking again! MORE ACTIVITY FROM THE GHOST FORTRESS! They have to get out of here! This place sucks!

Super Robot has standing orders to keep on watching and, this time, fucking do something about it if someone is intruding! I mean, does that really have to be said out loud? Don’t fail or else Superman will smack you with a wrench until every nut and bolt in your body flings out into the ionosphere.

Lois is scrambling to understand! Please explain everything to her again! *groooaann*

“It’s about survival, Lois. The survival of the evil, intolerant spirit of Krypton…or survival of the Earth…they cannot coexist. The Fortress of Solitude, and the culture it preserves, has repeatedly proven to be a threat to my adopted planet. The Fortress must never be resurrected, Lois. All traces must be…ERADICATED.”

Pretty dumb stuff. And it’s not even over yet! It’s not even fucking over!

The last couple of pages show a meeting where an unseen individual is presenting a new invention to the mayor and a couple of high-ranking police officers. A steel suit! Fully integrated armor and weaponry! Encephalo-sensitive command and response! Flexible land, air, and sea mobility! There’s also a chamber near the crotch that cooks pasta for you in only four minutes! It will revolutionize the way you do…whatchamacallit…police work.

Gotta be non-lethal, though! We don’t want any killings. Just maimings, please.

“Commissioner, I look forward to working with the special crimes unit,” the man says, shaking hands.

“John Henry Irons, on behalf of the entire police department, welcome to Metropolis!”

Final Thoughts

Bloated! Comic books are for kids! What’s with all these talks of pressure micro-fronts and encephalo-sensitivity! I’m nine-years-old and I can barely read!