Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96 – “Krypton Lives!” In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, a woman named Obsession, who is dressed like Superman, distracts him with overt and constant sexual advances 250 feet in the air while the streets are terrorized by a group of teenage thugs who snorted a demon drug! Obsession dies and the teenage mutant ninja thugs are neutralized and everyone goes home.

In the previous issue of Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Clark takes Lois to Antarctica to see how his Fortress of Solitude and/or robot sentry version of himself is holding up. Both poorly. Lexcorp stole something from the area. There’s a lot of Kryptonian dinosaur fighting. John Henry Irons becomes Metropolis’ newest special crimes unit police officer piece of shit. Hey, on a side note, I’m watching Katy Perry on SNL right now. I was on an airplane back in 2010 and she was on the cover of a SkyMall magazine and I fell in love with her. I’m pretty sure I spent most of the flight fixated on that cover. I was 22 at the time if you must know. Sad stuff.

What? What happened? Where am I?

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #96 [January, 2000]
Written by: Mark Schultz
“Home”

God, this cover. Still some of that residual ‘90s era EXTREEEME aesthetic.

Narration catches the audience up with Clark Kent. By that, you would probably think that the narrator explains what he’s been up to lately, but that is not the case. It’s literally explaining Superman, as in the whole PREMISE of Superman. “Behold Clark Kent, at first glance he would appear an average American…”

Yeah, I’m going to skip all that. Clark is grocery shopping and thumping some cantaloupes. He does a lot of ruminating about how ordinary his day has been so far. He starts thinking about flying down to Antarctica to visit his Fortress of Private Jerking Off, but he decides against it. It’s been a calm day, why ruin it again by being attacked by Kryptonian dinosaurs? He has been meaning to check out that new-fangled Sopranos show what been on HBO for a year dadgum it! Maybe he’ll cook Lois some of his famous Meatballs with Bacos and Twizzlers.

The narration gets Twilight Zone-y as Clark turns the key to his apartment. “What if at second glance the average American turns out to be not so average, after all? And what happens when his past catches up with him, destroying his illusions of normalcy?

Eek! Scary stuff!

Clark enters his apartment and it’s swathed in a blue-colored Kryptonian advanced-technology style! He is surprised, befuddled, and constipated about it!

Alexa! Do I have any new notifications?!

“<WELCOME HOME, MASTER KAL-EL,” the robot bloops in green Macintosh Computer font, “HAS YOUR MORNING BEEN PROSPEROUS?>”

Zip the fucking lip, nutsy boltsy. Clark recognizes those less-than and greater-than signs! That’s the Kryptonian language you’re speaking! “My home has been invaded, Kelex,” Clark shouts, angrier than I’ve ever seen him, “CLARK KENT’s home!”. George is getting upset! Referring to himself in the third person! “REPORT! What has happened here?”

“<Kelex now serves the reality, not the illusion, Kal-El,>” pipes in a voice from the doorway. This guy is dressed like a Star Trek authoritarian and he’s bathed in yellow light; from where I do not know. Maybe Clark has a sunroof? On the fourth floor of his 49-story apartment building? “<There is no Clark Kent… that persona is a fantasy. Kal-El, son of Krypton, is a fact.>”

Yeah? Who gives a shit?

This dude is the “Greatest Scientist of the Mighty House of El”, which means he knows how to tie his shoes in less than three minutes. His name is Kem-L, as in Jimmy Kem-L Live!, and he’s here to claim Clark’s soul.

So, long story short, it’s not a normal day after all, is it? Flashback to earlier in his “normal” day, before it was no longer normal. In this normal day, a couple of mean Transformers “slime” Clark with oopy goopy spoopy “optimum flow”. Not in front of the children, ok?

Oh, you like it.

This stuff covers him and hardens, but that’s good! Because he can flex his big muscles (*flex*) and break it apart!

Here’s what I’ve noticed about Pulitzer Prize winner Mark Schultz’s writing: he likes to make Superman think every single thought out loud in a contrived manner so that the readers can be simultaneously bored and condescended toward. I can’t even find a picture of this guy online, which means he weighs 750 pounds and has been unable to leave his house since the release of Double Stuf Oreos.

“He took the good cradle to the grave in seven seconds! Impressive!” squawks Transformer #1.
“But the elastic resistance of the goop slowed him down,” responds the optimistic Transformer #2, “so let’s try the expando-gaskets.”

So they try the exando-gaskets. It comes in the form of energy rings. Superman continues to think his thoughts in complete sentences in what I call “bad writing”. “Geez! This is something the Toyman might create. The rings keep growing… tangling me up… to keep me off balance…maybe this is a chance to put some of the martial arts skills I’ve learned from Mongul to practical use…”

Sounds good, chief. You got this. I’m gonna go play some Super Mario World.

Superman looks smug. What else you got, you piles of scrap metal and oil and rust?! Well, sir, Plan C is next. THE SONIC-DISCOMBOBULATOR! Hope you don’t like having eardrums anymore.

Transformer #Whatever points his sound gun at Superman and shoots the sound bullets at him, which causes him to stumble backwards in pain! Like this: “W-WHOOOOA-A…!” His super-hearing is becoming super-impaired and he’ll need to get fitted for some super-hearing-aids.

He lands on his face like a nerd.

MY MONEYMAKER! NOOOOO!!

The sound gun keeps making this squealing “EEEEEEEEE” noise that only Supermen and dogs can hear. He hates it! It’s messing with his chi! He scrambles and hobbles his way forward, attempting to crush the sound gun. He attempts to crush the sound gun. He crushes the sound gun.

Superman makes a dumb face of triumph as the two Transformers open up their Buzz Lightyear head bubbles and reveal themselves to be John Henry Irons and some lady.

“Yeah– auditory disorientation is pretty much across-the-board effective,” smiles Irons with lazy, smug eyes, “and thanks again, Superman, for helping us test the limits of these nonlethal prototypes…you’ve allowed us to gauge some very specific tolerances.”

Once again, a twist! Superman wasn’t being harmed, killed, maimed, folded, spindled, or mutilated! He was part of a plan the whole time!

Irons introduces his niece and assistant Natasha, who stands bowlegged in a lab coat, obviously starstruck. “Uh– Unk…” she says, either referring to her Uncle Johnny Hank Ironsy, or it’s just a gulpy reaction to being three seconds away from speaking to Superman. I’ve been known to utter an UNK in my day.

Superman asks what the fuck Unk Irons is doing in Metropolis. Last he checked his was slumming it up in New Jersey, gambling in Atlantic City and throwing rocks at the Statue of Liberty. Now he’s working for the pigs in town? Why? Well, sir, YOU’RE the reason! Superman inspired Irons to start reevaluating his life, and he’s been doing it ever since. Now his calling is weapons engineering. Don’t that beat all?

Sounds good! No more questions, your honor! Time to skedaddle! NEVER FEAR, UNDERDOG IS HERE! Etc.

Flashback over! That was a long flashback. I hope you got some popcorn while I wrote a War and Peace-length novel about it. We’re back in Clark’s electric blue apartment where Kem-L showed up to give him the business.

My favorite Sonic the Hedgehog level was Phantom Zone!

Kem-L keeps berating Clark for not speaking Kryptonian, which is apparently just English with <> in between the words! Ha! I already made this joke earlier. But it’s still funny!

Anyway, Clark makes a good point. Kem-L died ten million dead universes ago. Is this some kind of Tupac hologram? Because, if so, it’s way more convincing. Remember when they did the Tupac hologram and everyone cried? Dumb.

“<I am the sum and intentions of Kem-L…>” explains this fake-ass Kem-L, “<…the true Kryptonian man… he who realized the highest aspirations of Great Krypton… the Protector…>”

Too many ellipses… And Clark isn’t fooled anyway. This is a projection of the Eradicator! They already talked about the Eradicator in the previous issue. But it was so convoluted and stupid that I tuned it out, and I will CONTINUE to tune it out. Kam-L tells him that he is not only the creator of the Eradicator, but he is also the recreation of the Eradicator! Tuned out as hell right now.

Oh Eradicator, you silly name-forgetting goose.

There’s a lot of nothing going on here, so I’ll paraphrase: Kam-L is offended that Clark seems to have assimilated too much to Earth and not maintaining his Kryptonian roots. Clark tells Kam-L to get the hell out of his house, and also off of his planet please. Kam-L is like “no” and offers to unbrainwash him back to an untainted Kryptonian well-being. Clark is like “no”, but Kam-L wants to perform the ritual of TORQUASM-VO, a mind-controlling ancient Kryptonian warrior art! Clark says this nonsense: “Torquasm-Vo! The theta state! I was forced to learn that consciousness control discipline in my battle to defeat Dominus.”

This is WAY worse than New 52 Action Comics. You made my shit list, Mark Schultz. You know what that means, don’t you? That means I look up a photo of you and make fun of it… … … … you look like six butts built a nerd out of butts. See, I found a picture of you after all you supreme doofus.

Clark accepts this stupid Orgasm-Ho warrior ritual and they both turn into weird robots and I’m changing the channel on this show.

Oh good, we’re moving on to something else anyway. Back at the Daily Planet, Jimmy Olsen cops to Perry White that he took the photo of Superman with the wedding ring. Don’t flog him, please. And also, who knows how the Daily Star got it? Not his fault!

Ok, and here’s more: yes, Jimmy photoshopped the ring out of the Daily Planet’s photo. Fuckin’ fire him if you need to, he can shine shoes and give handjobs in the subway station.

Perry leans over this kid as if he were a child (which, let’s face it, come on…) and asks why he, of all people, should decide what the public does and does not get to know. So, from now on, go fuck yourself with your photoshop! “The truth is our goal– and our greatest weapon,” Perry frowns, “We discard it at our own risk.”

However, even if it’s their job to present the truth, they can still “bury it at the bottom of page 37”. And that’s for Perry to decide, you little nerd. He’s very disappointed. He’s not going to fire you for some reason, though, so feel free to make more mistakes in future issues.

Yeah yeah, whatever sir. Thank you for not firing me, I still have four payments to make on this leather jacket.

Ugh, we return to our regularly scheduled love-in, aka “Torquasm-Vo”. During the fight, Kem-L keeps stroking Superman about his superhuman abilities that are definitely not Earthy so stop Earthing. And Superman is like “I’m from Earth, hello, and you may call me Clark Kent, thank you”.

OK! Good! We’re on Lois and Jimmy now. They’re attending a United Nations press conference with a panel full of Justice League members! Oh boy! Jimmy gets his camera ready. The floor recognizes Wonder Woman.

“The JLA has called this conference to quell the firestorm of speculation and innuendo aimed at the marital status of one of our own,” Wonder Woman holds up her wedding-ringed finger, “yes, Superman is married… as are all on this stage…”

They all lift their hands with rather smug expressions, if I do say so myself. PLUS, as it is further described, these wedding bands double as signalling devices! You see, this is the year 2000 so no one has iPhones yet. And pagers are wack. So there you go. Anyway, show’s over folks. No questions.

“That was blunt…” Lois reacts while thinking about how she gets to be reamed by one of the Justice League in her own home.

As they walk off stage, Green Lantern finds the absence of Superman odd. Steel (John Henry “Metropolis’ Own Narc Supreme” Irons) also finds it odd. Something’s up and fishy and not right and FISHY and stinks like fish.

This is funny: while Superman and Kem-L are fighting in Clark’s apartment, the downstairs neighbors think he and Lois are loudly fucking! It must have happened before. Anyway, Torquasm-Vo Torquasm-Vo Torquasm-Vo. Superman’s good at it, he shouldn’t be on Earth. Yes he is, thank you, and he should be on Earth. Blah blah blah.

This Eradicator nonsense has got to stop. “Think Clark, something had to carry the Eradicator program here. Something brought it to the apartment…”

AHA! EPIPHANY! Like the last ten minutes of an episode of House, Superman figures out something important that will save the little child with Stevens-Johnson syndrome…

Lois is coming home! She’s already in the hallway leading to the apartment! Clark had better figure out something pretty damn quick here, time’s a-tickin’.

Haha. Nope!

Clark! …where’s my dinner?!

“<Kelex…,” Kem-L breathes and huffs and puffs, looking right at Lois, “…eliminate this non-Kryptonian contamination.>”

This is probably what Lois heard: “SNARF BLARF SNAFF SMAFF.”

Clark begs for Kelex to stop, but Kelex begins to eliminate the very Lois-y non-Kryptonian contamination. Clark shoots it with Cyclops eyeballs and melts the robot just in time. Whew!

“Lois, you didn’t come a moment too soon. Now, think!… Did you bring anything back from the Fortress?”

No! Yes! No! Wait…yes! Wait, no! Yes! Maybe? No! I mean…oh, you mean the solid gold artifact that I happened to steal??

YES, GET THAT! GO GET IT! NOW! GET IT NOW! STOP STANDING THERE AND GO GET IT!

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit, where is it? Did I throw it in the garbage? Did I throw it in the toilet? Did I dump it out a window? Did I bury it in the ground? Did I throw it off a bridge? Did I launch it with a catapult? Aha! Found it in my coat!

Clark destroys it! Let’s see if it works… yes! Just in time for the end of the issue! What are the odds? Kem-L is gone. The apartment is returned to its normal state.

Explanation? The object was a “carrier” that “infected” their home with a “Kryptonian nightmare”. I think I have a whole roomful of those in my own house, it would explain why I keep getting killed by aliens. Superman will stop at nothing to destroy the Eradicator.

…and the confrontation will come sooner than he thinks! The Eradicator is starting to descend toward Earth as we speak.

Final Thoughts

SNARF BLARF SNAFF SMAFF