Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Son of Superman (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, Superman had taken his family to Batman’s Super Secret Moon Base, which Eradicator infiltrated immediately. They fight for about 24 years before Eradicator sucks Superman up through his mouth. Seriously. Then while Jon and Lois fought Eradicator like little ants fighting a dump truck, Superman channeled the energy of all the Kryptonian spirits sucked up into Eradicator and escaped through his mouth. Seriously.

And now Superman means business! And let’s get this piece of shit over with.

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #6 [November, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 6)”

Like father, like mulleted son. Superman is going to show this kid what it REALLY means to be a sexual molester. I mean, uh, superhero.

A supercharged Superman is reigning blows upon Eradicatorman. The spirits of Krypton are helping so hard that Superman is heating up to unfathomable degrees, causing the atmosphere of the room to get all hot ‘n’ stuffy. “Krypton is against you, Eradicator! You will stand down!” Superman yells with fire in his eyes. Fighting happens. Fights, fight, fighting, fight, fight, fights, fighting.

Pretty soon, Superman is like “muh home, muh family, muh world” and the Eradicator is like “but ur heritage”. It really doesn’t get much more profound than that, honestly. It’s like one big bowl of repetitve shit.

“Accept that he is a mistake and receive the peace of eradication,” he says of the boy. That boy over there *points to the geek*

“JON IS NOT A MISTAKE!” Superman yells, crying too probably, while doing something that vaguely looks like grabbing Eradicator’s balls.

Meanwhile, because I forgot that this is all taking place on the fucking moon, the dormant lunar rover perks up and experiences sensations of massive seismic impacts! Did Superman fart again lol? Mission Control on Earth, possibly in the USA or Burkina Faso, says this is impossible. A moonquake?! Ha! Eat my entire ass!

Jon points to a big screen TV that hasn’t been present in the room at all up until this particular panel. Eruption on the moon! Live news coverage! “Holy smokes!” Jon yells. “The whole world is seeing this?!”

Superman continues pummeling the Eradicator. At some point, Superman decides to call upon the spirit of his (dead?) dog Krypto. Jaws and teeth start trying to rip through Eradicator’s chest.

Sink your teeth into this beefy hunk of man, boy!

Somehow, after this ghostly chest-bursting apparition bites down on Superman’s arm, a full dog comes out of the Eradicator’s body. “NOOOOO” says the Eradicator as capacitors and resistors and op-amps and diodes explode within him. Eradicator tries one last gambit…

“FREEDOM IS ONLY WITHIN!” it yelps. Weaksauce, sir.

“Krypto has won his freedom, as has Krypton, and they have judged you…” Superman builds up the suspense here, “…UNWORTHY!”

This was the final nail in the coffin! Eradicator disintegrates into a pile of doorknobs and dog bones and then something happens and then there’s an enormous mushroom cloud explosion that decimates literally the entire moon and all life on Earth forever.

The Eradicator is not dead yet! I’m tired of this silly bitch. “THE… BOY… WILL DESTROY… YOUR ANCESTORS’ LEGACY. THEY CANNOT SURVIVE… THE SON OF SUPERMAN…”

Superman tells him “whatever” as all the trapped spirits converge in the sky to form the famous “S” shield; glowing radiantly in the sky, I might add! Superman whispers a solemn “thank you”. I’m jerking off right now with cringe.

Eradicator lies on the ground, a burnt husk. His power level is at 0% and he’s flailing like a goose. He asks Superman if this is what being alone feels like. Superman says he’s never felt alone. Zing.

Mission Control in the USA or possibly East Timor are continuing to get very important moon readings. They get a view of Superman picking up the toppled American flag and setting it upright again. The whole world watches live footage of Superman striking an arrogant, manly moon pose. “SUPERMAN IS HERE TO STAY!” cries some loser.

Git ‘r done, Supes! Here’s your sign! Yee haw!

Time to grab Lois and Jon and head back to the stinky farm. Work here is done!

Later, Lois does laundry to get all the pesky moondust off of their clothes. Jon just had a bubble bath and he’s feeling squeaky clean! Time for the ceremony where Superman gets the key to the city and there’s a parade and jets flying in formation and cuddly orgies. The bar owner is there — the one who calls him “Sooperman” — with a moon rock gift. “Sooperman is welcome in my joint anytime!” he smiles with dead eyes.

That night, a sad Jon Kent sits on his windowsill and stares up at the sky. Once he hears creaking, he sneaks back into bed. “Hey, Kiddo. Brought you something.”

It’s a Hamilton Huskers baseball hat! Gee willikers, dad! Gotta show support for the local sports team!

Totally cool, Pops. Looking forward to getting my ass kicked at school tomorrow.

Clark also throws Jon some unfashionable glasses to really pull off the “I’m pretending to not be Superman lol lol I’m fooling you” look. He’s going to need them when he starts school and may be recognized as the Son of Superman Moon Kid. Jon is less than happy. “More secrets and hiding… gotcha.”

Clark is like “yup!”

A little heart-to-heart comes next. There will be other villains like the Eradicator. Big, beautiful, scary villains. Jon’s powers are still growing, but he’ll get there someday. Not today, though. Nor tomorrow. I mean, get serious, kid. Now go follow Dad, he’s going to take you to the Justice League Watchtower where you’ll meet all the other members of the Smelly Costume Brigade.

Batman and Wonder Woman are looking at a big screen showing the lunar damage estimates, because why not? We’re talking $10 billion in moon repairs. Not to even mention the secret, weird, moon Batcave.

Superman walks in and apologizes for all the moon ruckus and tells them to mind their own moon business. “Apologies won’t fix what the Supermen did to my cave,” Batman, the rich guy who can afford to fix it immediately, growls.

Superman defends himself. That was the Eradicator! I’m the nice guy!

“League, I’d like you to meet… SUPERBOY!”

Jon stands there in tight superhero jammies.

“Hi,” he says.

Wonder Woman smiles. Batman frowns. And so do I.

Final Thoughts

THIS IS WHAT THEY GIVE ME FOR REBIRTH?! Rebirth my balls. Who’s in charge here? This story is pudding, sir. I’m tired of Superman, again. Why I keep going back to stories about this thicc bitch is beyond me. Maybe I’ll stumble onto something good for once. Accidentally.

Unlikely. If you like Superman then you’re dumb and I hate you.