December 31, 1916. A gala event is being held at Luthor Steel Works. Wallace Luthor is loving the festivities, happy that everyone is dancing and smiling regardless of race or class. “Great Grandmother Edna’s dream. The Luthor dream…”

Luthor’s assistant Harris worries about World War I going on, but Luthor is quite optimistic that America won’t get involved in any of THAT piffle! Ha ha, uh, what’s this now? The Germans are intending to attack American ships? That’s stupid. Why? Oh, right, because of war reasons.

Good news, right? America’s going to need a lot more steel to build a lot more ships? NO, HARRIS! WALLACE LUTHOR IS A PACIFIST! HIS STEEL IS FOR BUILDINGS AND HOME APPLIANCES ONLY! AND ROBOTS AND MICROWAVES AND PACKARD BELL COMPUTERS! AND IPHONES AND LA-Z-BOYS! No war stuff!

Oh well, there’s not much to do. Thank you, Harris, for ruining New Year’s. Wallace cries and tries to buck up and dance and make merry and harass the more scantily clad of the women.

Maybe someone at this party will try to stick a knife between my ribs! That would be treat.

Then there’s present-day 1999 Luthor, who’s like WAR WAR WAR. PAIN. SUFFERING. TORTURE. MONEY MONEY MONEY. SNACKS. LOTS OF SNACKS. He looks around the room and sees all the socialites and business associates. Elbow rubbing and sweet deals are nigh. Blackmail too, perhaps, if necessary. “I have no friends in this room,” Lex thinks. “I end this millennium surrounded by people who either owe me or loathe me or both…” And he’s reveling in it!

Meanwhile, Lena Luthor is with her mother in a LexCorp nursery. “See? Look. That’s the world,” he mother says while she holds her daughter up to the giant window overlooking the city. “That’s where regular people try to live with a little dignity. But your daddy wouldn’t know anything about that, would he? Up here, we’re all just ants to him… just nothing.”

Welcome to the Lexcorp Helipad, where a spider-like spidery spider helicopter spacecraft has crashed. Guard #1 is like “eek” and Guard #2 is like “tell the boss man”. A large figure looms behind them and advises them to stay close to him, there could be trouble… with a capital D… I mean, T…

Grumpy Clark is with Smiling Lois and Happy Parental Units down on the street with 50,000,000,000 Metropolis residents welcoming New Year’s 2000 and the beginning of Vladimir Putin’s reign as “president” of “Russia”. Lois, again, tells him to unclench his sphincter and just enjoy the party! Also, she’s kinda drunk! Have fun with that, Pretty Boy.

Back in the LexCorp Secret Basement with all the frantic scientists, midnight is just around the corner. Grab your champagne, nerds, and find someone to kiss. We’re all men here, but live a little! Get over yourself!

As they toast to Lex Luthor’s bald head, the looming figure that showed up previously IF YOU DIDN’T FORGET enters the lab and kills them all with electricty powers. Just lightning bolts through the face. You hate to see it.

In the ballroom, Lex directs everyone’s attention at the north window, where a giant golden L is being lift to the top of another building in lieu of a ball dropping. Everyone is bewildered and annoyed. “A reminder to you all… to the world… of who’s on top,” Lex says, pants dropped with his insecurities showing. Outside, Ma and Pa Kent look at the L going “Hoooweee, who-da thunk we’d be in the dang ol’ city! Hyuk hyuk hyuk!”

Five seconds to go.

ZZAAAKT!

The city is completely blacked out.

“I knew I shoulda made it to the bank,” Jon Kent grumbles.

The L snaps off its rope and starts falling toward the crowd. Everyone is in a panic. It’s dark outside and there’s an L falling down! 2000 sucks already.

Everyone thinks this is a sick Lex Luthor joke, but he’s not fucking happy either. “Someone is getting very fired for this. And someone will lose a limb. And their home. And their parents’ home. And their parents’ limbs.”

Superman shows up DUN DUN DUUUNNN DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN DUUUUNNN!! And he tells everyone to stop panicking while he grabs the falling L. No one stops panicking. How dare he boss the crowd around like that.

The looming figure is no longer looming. He’s front and center. He’s electrified! He’s cantankerous! He’s Brainiac 2.5!

Extremely sexy.

If you thought the crowd was panicking before, Superman, well now they’re full on tearing each other apart. Ma and Pa are probably stampeded to death, lookin’ like hella roadkill. Lois sends him a signal with WHISPERS, of all things, and tells him to take care of the people. His family will be ok! I wouldn’t believe her if I were Superman, but whatever. Happy wife, happy life.

Perry White and his date, Alice, sneak out of the LexCorp building. There’s a bomb shelter in the Daily Planet building with stacks of canned ravioli and really musty cots! Get cozy, we might be there for the next 22 years!

Lex starts screeching at Brainiac for being an asshole! Brainiac has fucked everything up! The whole world! Computers are down, grids are down; even calculators are no longer functioning! The only thing standing between civilized society and complete societal collapse is electricity! GAH HA HA HA HAA!! This is what you get, Lex, for trying to capitalize on the Y2K scare! Now it really is scary!! YOU created this beast, Lex! YOU! YOU! YOOOUUU!!!

Especially my pants, siiiiiiiirrrrr.

Why is Brainiac doing this? Three reasons. 1) Government computers will get in the way of the plan. 2) Superman needs to be away from Metropolis and saving other cities or else he’ll get in the way of the plan. 3) It’ll be fun to see Lex Luthor’s wealth and power permanently dissolve before his very eyes.

I like these reasons. I’m on board with Brainiac’s malice and general nuisancery.

Speaking of being away from Metropolis, Superman’s in Japan dealing with the fuckery that happened in Japan. Other members of the Justice League are covering other areas of the globe: Aquaman in the oceans. Wonder Woman in Chicago. Batman in Gotham, of course, that’s all he cares about. The Flash is in, like, Little Rock, Arkansas or something. Steel is nowhere to be found, probably because he’s doing something in another comic I read but I don’t remember NOR do I care? That guy sucks! Green Lantern is in Hollywood trying to look good for the cameras. Plastic Man is bouncing around making funnies.

96% of the world’s computers have gone down! That’s like 90%! This is the worst new millennium ever.

December 31, 1969. The Suicide Slum, as it’s affectionately called. Wallace Luthor is ruined and old and decrepit and crying about it. Wallace’s son, Lex’s father, tells him to shut the fuck up. “Your whinin’ is worse than the brat’s!” he hollers, holding a young Lex up by the scruff. Wallace didn’t lose everything because of fate! He lost everything because he’s a dumb, chinless, drunk, bloated swine of a LOSER. A goshdanged loser! And Wallace is teaching Lex how to be a loser, too! Everyone’s a sickening little LOSER. Etc.

Present day Lex snaps out of his horribly traumatic childhood memory. People are storming out of the LexCorp building. Robot spiders are crawling all over the place. “NOOOOOO!!! No! This does not happen to me! It does not! I defy it! I defy you, Brainiac! I am not broken! I am Lex Luthor and I will not be broken by a filthy alien…”

Lex Luthor stops his loser whining long enough to remember his daughter Lena is trapped inside the building. He looks like he actually cares, which is weird and unsettling to me.

Lena’s being carried by her panicking mother, who tries to escape along with the crowd but doesn’t know where to go or what to do. She screams for help, but Lois just asks her if she’s on crack! lmao. She is then advised to get her butt back inside and stop trying to run around the city of looters, ne’er-do-wells, and sulky teenagers.

“This is Lex Luthor’s baby! The Lex Luthor!!” she cries desperately to Lois. “Help us and he’ll give you anything you want! Anything!!”

Hmm. Well, I heard Lex Luthor is a real savant with the pussy, but no thanks.

Meanwhile, Superman has enlisted the current Green Lantern’s help in stopping the 9,000 nuclear warheads that are orbiting around Earth just waiting to slam into someone’s face in Mdina, Malta. Each one was launched by a malfunctioning computer. All malfunctioning computers. Even the one some 10-year-old was playing Roller Coaster Tycoon on.

Yes, but what about the Drone Replicating Mass War Arachnae? Is that still on time?

Everything is coming up Milhouse for Brainiac. Lex Luthor is flailing. Superman is busy trying to punch nuclear missiles. Metropolis has been isolated. Yes, yes. The spiders are being spidery. Brainiac is talking to a literal blue blob on the floor, who is bored with all of Brainiac’s current accomplishments. “When do I get to hit Superman?” it asks. Soon, Blobby. Soon you can, as you say, “hit Superman”. Hit him with a hammer. If you can even hold one.

Martha Kent is biting her nails, but Jon is keeping his cool. “Ford Bridges said we’d have about forty minutes after the crash till the failsafes in the nukes went off…” Jon says. Keeping his cool. I don’t know who Ford Bridges is, but who is he to say anything about failsafes and nukes and crashes and forty minutes?

“Jonathan,” Martha grits her teeth as a whole crew of supervillain types start descending down from the sky, “I think it’s time we got underground. This storm’s not going to pass anytime soon.”

Lex is still stumbling around going “no one takes things from me, I take things from other people, I am Lex Luthor and I own this town and I own this suit and I own this tie and everyone needs to bow to me”. He didn’t get to where he is today by getting pushed around by Brainiac! Not really. He can’t remember, but it doesn’t sound right to him!

“I DON’T LOSE! I WILL GET MY DAUGHTER BACK! I WILL GET LENA BACK!!” Lex is frothing and bug-eyed while manhandling a police officer for reasons I cannot discern. Maybe because ACAB, honestly.

Lois, who is “helping” Lena Luthor’s mother, is fixated on the good fortune that just fell into her lap. Lex Luthor’s gonna love her. Maybe he’ll wipe out her debt! Maybe he’ll pay all her future medical bills after all the cars she jumps in front of to try to win lawsuits. Maybe he’ll take a steaming dump on his own face. Oh, the possibilities!

Superman keeps punching missiles, or something equally damaging to the missiles, while reassuring himself that everyone’s fine. Lois is fine. Ma and Pa are fine. They’re not dead. He didn’t miss a funeral or anything. It’s fine, everything’s jake. Green Lantern conjures a giant face with his magic ring and the face chews up the missiles. That seems unwieldly. Why can’t he conjure a big baseball bat and knock those suckers to the Oort Cloud?

I’m getting pretty tired of looking at your face, buddy.

Brainiac begins the countdown. Everything will be his in five… four… three… six… two… six… one… Blast off!

Just in the nick of time, Superman and Green Lantern join forces and shoot a big yellow light at something and stop Brainiac’s plans somehow. Look, I’m not here to interpret comics or anything like that. I’m here to mash my face on the keyboard and hope coherent words come out of it.

FASHOOOOOM! Something blows up! Or something lands on Earth! Or something lands on Earth and blows up! A policeman is like “I guess I can cancel that appointment with my architect”! LOL LOL LOLL LOLL

The yellow beam didn’t come from Superman and Green Lantern; they’re just as confused as I am! But it zaps Brainiac and that’s all that matters. Plot hole! He starts spouting malfunctioning computer gibberish and we all have a good time at his expense. A sobered-up Jimmy Olsen has his camera ready to shoot a photo of Brainiac getting fried for tomorrow’s newspaper, pg. 14. Front page will be about Perry White’s fedora.

Lightning keeps crackling and flashing. A bolt hits Jimmy, tossing him backwards on his supple little butt. When he gets up, he realizes his camera looks fantastic! “It’s souped up!” he says like a 75-year-old. The town looks wavy in front of him, like the world is phasing between dimensions. I haven’t known what’s going on for at least eight pages now. It’s very frustrating.

Speaking of not knowing what’s going on, there’s a full-page spread of Superman fighting a litany of supervillains, all wrapped up in robot tentacles and shooting out laser eye beams. It’s a complete fucking mess of a page. It sucks complete ass and I hate it. One villain keeps calling him “Supes”. I want to throw a brick through a window I’m so mad.

See, it’s just a bunch of this bullshit. Look at this panel. Good God, man.

I’m going to skip talking about this whole part. Superman fights these robots, who were all switched on after the Y2K bug murdered all the computers. Something about Lextower and the beam being highly active. Brainiac dissolves into a mess of green goo and cum.

Lex Luthor’s ex, Lena Luthor’s mom, whom I either never saw the name of or I forget immediately, is running with Lois, of whom I do know the name, to shelter at the Daily Planet. Giant spiders continue terrorizing the city. Lois is praying to Allah that Clark will be ok and that Lex Luthor will still take her up on the pooping-on-his-own-face offer.

Lex Luthor does eventually show up holding a rifle and looking like buff Mr. Clean, ready to grab his daughter out of Lois’ grubby hands. “You may have gotten the castle, Machine… but you’ll never beat the king. This year belongs to Luthor.” Lois looks bemused.

Brainiac’s microchips are all scrambled and getting deleted. He’s struggling to stay in the current reality and not be erased or killed or destroyed or sent to the Gloobus Dimension of Blorkus Aliens. It takes about 14 panels for it not to work. He’s gone. It’s underwhelming.

“I hear the screams over the explosions,” Superman thinks. “Thousands in the city alone, hurt, dying, crying. Smell the changes. Ozone as the robot’s enemy scours my home.” So Superman just fights harder! Harder and faster and stronger! Superer! And he just hopes that Y2K didn’t irrevocably fuck everything up and kill everybody he has ever loved on this here planet he likes to call “home”. “Or so help me, Luthor, what I do to these robots will seem like a love tap.”

Oooooooh, alluring! Superman is so hell bent on not killing people, but Luthor has been asking for it for almost a century. Just throw this guy’s head into a brick wall, dummy.

Give me a kiss, you ravishing SOB.

Elsewhere, Luthor stares Lois right in the eyes and asks her if she expects some kind of reward for bringing his daughter back to him. “I’d offer cash, but apparently the ATMs are out of order… forever. Perhaps I can consider a certain debt repaid?”

Lois tells him to take his reward and shove it up his ample butt, which I personally wouldn’t have done, but I suppose being high and mighty is an appropriate response in this situation where they’re all going to die anyway in about *checks broken watch*

She is interrupted by a streaking red and blue figure in the sky. Captain America?! Woody Woodpecker?! Is it a bird?! A plane?! Jeff Bezos’ rocket?! All of the above and more! He swoops down and grabs Luthor in the blink of an eye. “This is not playtime, Lex!” Superman growls, holding Lex 30,000 feet above ground. “We are not digging at one another while your drones tear the city apart–”

The baby cries. Lois shouts up to him that he’s scaring the baby. Really screeches it right into Lena’s soft little ears. Superman stops. “And as much as I hate to say it…” she motions toward Lex, “you’d better put him down. I don’t think he’s responsible for this one.”

Yeah right, lady. You’ll see. Lex smirks, tells him that everyone is suffering. Including him. Money’s gonna be useless in this dystopian society. People will have to barter with bent tin cans and disgusting sexual favors, of which Lex has plenty. He’ll be at the top once again! “My child is crying. If you don’t mind… she is all I have left.”

OK, buddy. So full of shit all the fucking time, aren’t ya? Fine, fine. Superman is disgruntled, but sets him down all the same.

Preciousssss… My preciousssss…

Buckle up, because this story still isn’t done holy shit. Lois kindly asks this kindly superhero to give her a ride to the Daily Planet. Her, ah, husband’s parents are supposed to be there safe and sound. *wink*

Brainiac is still in the china shop, being the bull as it were. He hones in on superman with his honing lasers of green light. “Luthor, consider it a promise that if it turns out you’re lying–”

Lex contorts his face into a mask of ugly, enraged bald man energy and tells Superman to fix the damn city and leave him alone. Fine. Superman takes his gal to the newspaper building and admits that Lex’s child meaning something to him has struck a chord. “Thanks for not dying,” he tells her.

“Idiot,” Lex says to himself as Superman and Loid fly off into the distance. “Throw a baby at him and he loses all perspective. Fine. It makes what’s coming next easier.” He tousles Lena’s hair and finds a tiny little…thing. A button? He also holds a quaint little floppy disk in his hand. Brainiac is counting down to his ultimate final phase upgrade. Version 11… 11.5 …12 … 12.5 .. he keeps going and going. 12.75… 12.99… 50! Just kidding!

“…And on New Year’s Day 2000… the night stretched out a bony hand of darkness and energy from beyond time… and where this finger met the land, what would one day be – was now. And with it came terror that would not even be conceived of for over a millennium… BRAINIAC 13. And it was bad. Very bad.”

Final Thoughts

This issue really went off the rails in the second half. I quite enjoyed it up until the clock struck midnight, then it was completely nuts and dull. I have no interest in Brainiac 13! I don’t care what he does! He could pull Superman apart slowly like taffy and I’d be like “this was way more interesting before the ball dropped!”

Huff puff.