Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #18 – “The Cycle”! In the previous installment, Justin Hammer, a very wealthy financier, speaks at the grand opening of the Big Apple Energy Dome! Doctor Octopus shows up to fuck it all up.

So Spider-Man shows up to unfuck it all up, but he crashes through the dome right in front of Doc Ock, which doesn’t unfuck anything.

Spider-Man is fucked.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #18 [April, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The Cycle”

OR IS HE?! Maybe so. The Good Doctor gets a solo spot on today’s cover art, so maybe he wraps his greasy tentacles around the stupid little spider, crushes him, and now we will continue following the adventures of Ultimate Doc Ock instead.

We can only dream. Picking up right where the previous issue left off, Spider-Man crashed his face through some glass and now takes a look around the already-ruined laboratory. He tries to help one of the injured scientists, but the dude is all wide-eyed like he’s just seen a ghost. “Run away!!” he gasps, but it’s toooooo late! Mr. Octopussy is on the scene!

“And what is this ridiculousness?” Ock asks, hoisting Spider-Man up by the front of his ripped costume. “You should talk,” Spider-Man manages to garble out, then he whaps Ock on the ears and kicks him to the floor! Ock’s glasses fall off, so he shrieks like a baby at the light due to eyeball sensitivity. Right? That’s what it was.

While Ock is temporarily debilitated, Spider-Man shoots his mouth off Spider-Man-style. Stuff like “First of all: green jumpsuit? I got two words for you: Fashion Emergency,” and oh man I’m lolling on the floor rofling my ass off smh. He shoots a lot of web cum at Ock’s tentacles to bind them together. It doesn’t work very well.

My webs! My precious webs!

Spider-Man is flabbergasted. Doctor Otto Octopus Octavius Octomom broke his webs, which is supposed to be impossible. Not good. Perhaps the latest batch of web spooge wasn’t prepared per ASTM D9841 – “Standard Specification for Development of Web Semen for Thwarting Robot Octopus Tentacles”. Maybe next time.

Now Spider-Man tries to buy some time by asking Ock about his origin story. “Some sort of freak accident with a radioactive toilet snake? If so, please spare me the details.” Ock starts pummelling him with his four metal appendages, then shuts him up with a swipe to the kisser. “Please be quiet.” Ock says calmly.

The sound of a metal arm hitting Spider-Man’s face makes this sound: “SPOK”.

Now it’s Doc Ock’s turn to talk for a while! “What are you? Law enforcement? S.H.I.E.L.D.? Oh yes. Yes, I know– you’re one of Justin Hammer’s homemade soldiers. Well? Is that the case? Is it?” And even Spider-Man’s thinking “no way dude I’m just some piss-pants teenager dancing around in tight underwear for, like, for fun.” But what he says is: “…no, I’m the haircut police. There’s a fifty dollar fine for bowlcuts in this city.” Hee hee.

With three tentacles, Ock lifts Spidey by his arms and neck and stretches him out so he looks like Jesus Christ on the Bitchin’ Death Cross. “You have completely ruined my moment here,” Ock grumbles. I’m sure Spidey is barely getting any air, getting choked out by robot arms strong enough to jerk off Satan himself. Struggling, feeling defeated, he realizes that he’s no match for this guy. Green Goblins? Easy! Big fat dudes in white suits? Piece of cake! Roboctopus? No dice.

A tentacle approaches Spidey, crackling with electricity. It shocks the fuck out of his chest, and sends him flying straight through the roof of the facility. He lands on a dock near the sea. He’s all banged up, and his costume is even worse for wear than before. Doc Ock wins again! That’s HIS face on the cover, son!

Don’t you know you’re going to shock the Spidey? / Hey Hey / Shock the Spidey

Shit keeps getting worse, doggonit. Now an eight-man SWAT team surrounds the little red spider, all their guns trained on him. “Hands on the floor!!” and “Don’t you move!!” and “Stay down! Stay down!” and other ultra-aggressive bullshit SWAT team cliches are hollered at Spider-Man while he lies there in a completely non-threatening manner. Poop starts seeping through his costume.

The SWAT team is just about to cuff him and send him to the laundry brig when S.H.I.E.L.D. shows up with their fancy Men in Black sunglasses. SWAT and S.H.I.E.L.D. (mostly just Agent Carter) fight over who has jurisdiction over the shitbird while said shitbird tries to get their attention. Something about a robot octopus. No one wants to listen.

SWAT demands some ID from S.H.I.E.L.D.; S.H.I.E.L.D. demands SWAT to step down. Spider-Man points and goes “Hey, is that Charlton Heston?”. They all look, he starts shooting his webs pew pew pew and he’s outta there.

Get me out of this weird-ass wicker basket.

Spidey does his typical cartwheels as the officers try to shoot him through their webby prison. Agent Carter yells for backup in her cocoon. Helicopters fly in, but none can get a lock on Spidey’s location. So a few of these idiots start jumping in the water to start, I don’t know, swimming after him?

It proves to be fruitless. Once a few of these scuba-diving sons of bitches think they have visual on the ruffian, it turns out that Parker shed the torso half of his costume. He done got away.

Hiding huffing and puffing in a semi-demolished building like someone who was a pube hair away from becoming thoroughly fucked, Parker’s probably thinking about calling it quits! Most 15-year-olds need to worry about physics homework and getting boners at the chalkboard, not this shit.

Elsewhere, Justin Hammer reports during a press conference that the Dome is still intact. “As promised by our team of experts– the nuclear core could, in fact, withstand any duress.” When asked about Dr. Octavius, Hammer insists that they’re working hard to find out exactly what happened and then pivots to express his great concern for this “Spider-Man character”. The press are still curious about Ock: “Was [Spider-Man] working with a partner? There were reports of a man identified as Otto–”, but Hammer cuts this reporter off and continues to express his concern solely for Spider-Man.

Parker and MJ have this press conference in the background on a shitty basement TV while MJ tends to Parker’s many wounds. More than anything else, Parker’s super pissed that everyone is out to get him every time he puts the costume on and prances around the city. “I tried to help!” he squawks. MJ advises him to forget about it. She’s dressed like a mom.

“Maybe you should take a class or something…Like a Kung-Fu class. Get some– I don’t know– some moves,” she spitballs, and Parker likes that idea! But grrrrr, this Hammer guy really steams him up right now he can’t even think straight brabskja erejfdoie ouhfsdunj!! Parker is so fixated on his self-pity that he can’t understand why Hammer would try to throw him under the bus like this. It makes no damn sense! “No one does this crap to Captain America– or Iron Man– just me– Every time!!” he howls.

“Maybe it’s the costume,” MJ suggests sheepishly. This just makes Parker madder! “Have you seen Daredevil’s costume? He looks like a complete tool and nobody blames nuclear sabotage on him.”

MJ’s had enough and tries to politely get the hell out of here and go home. She suggests that Parker skip school the next day to heal up, especially since Kraven the Hunter is prowling around town as we speak. Parker declines, “If I don’t show up, Kong will start running around school screaming that I’m Spider-Man again.” Ha! First of all, Kong ain’t doing any running. Second of all, I personally want to see Parker get booted in the butt again! I think that would be worth another few panels.

Wrong! Upside-down and in the rain! Didn’t you see the movie??

MJ makes him feel better by offering to help fix his costume. They kiss and rub boners, tingling Parker’s three-inch Spidey Sense.

“Hey, if I fix the costume…can I wear it for the superhero assignment?” MJ asks.

“No.”

So that’s that. They exchange more cutesy pleasantries and she leaves. Parker frowns at the TV and unmutes it. Even the news anchors are against him! Hahahaha!

Parker sits there shirtless and tries to recap: Crazy, Evil Octopus Man. Crazy, Evil Octopus Man who might know Spider-Man’s secret identity once he gets his brain unscrambled. The D-List Crocodile Hunter wants to murder him. The police are after him. Officials from a top secret government agency are after him. Also, no costume left.

One thing left to do now!

*starts jerking it*

Now that that’s over, he can focus on the next task at hand!

Aunt May comes home. The issue ends.

Final Thoughts

Aunt May’s gonna catch Peter Parker wounded, shirtless, and covered with his own spooge! I can’t wait to see a whole issue of Peter getting chewed out. Glorious.