Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #68 – “Popular”! In the previous installments, Wolverine and Peter Parker switched bodies with hilarious and sexy results! At the end of the day, we can all blame Jean Grey for the Freaky Friday happenstance, but she doesn’t even get so much as a slap on the ol’ wrist! Anyway, status quo time, and a fresh story awaits! Let’s dig into it like sponge cake.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #68 [January, 2005]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Popular”

We begin at the Baxter Building in Manhattan where the stinky, unshowered Fantastic Four have made their ramshackle home. “Johnny Storm, we need to talk,” says Sue Storm. An intervention for the flaming one! Here’s the thing – and speaking of Thing – you two are playing video games and jerking off while Sue and Reed have been toiling away at experiments. It’s high time that you get your high school diploma, you fucking slacker. You fucking slacker dropout piece of shit.

“Right this second?” Johnny asks.

“Well, kinda yes,” Sue replies.

“Um, why?”

“Because you need to graduate high school.”

Tough talk! But really, this is to make Dad proud. He thinks your unshowered, stinky slacker dipshit self could use a little plumbing up, so to speak. “I have four separate doctorates in chemical sciences,” Sue says, needlessly rubbing Johnny’s face in a pile of warm feces. But Johnny turns up the flames on here. “I’m a freakin’ superhero now! We all are!! I’m going to be rich and famous… so why bother!!”

OK, well, uh, calm down, sir. Superheroing is not all riches and pussy. Let’s say the four of them go public with their apparently newly-acquired powers. It’ll be like showbusiness. Things will be hot for a bit, then things will cool down. It’ll go in cycles. Maybe their powers will ebb. Maybe people will get fucking sick of them! And then what? Without a high school degree, Johnny will be flipping burgers at Taco Bell because he was too stupid to show up to the right fast food joint.

Dad said not to go public until Johnny finishes high school, so Johnny begrudgingly agrees for one reason: “high school hotties”. Which is gross because Johnny is like 29. He’ll go to some nothing school in Queens full of Kongs and Flash Thompsons and that nerd with the thing.

Speaking of the nerd with the thing, he is currently tripping over Kong’s leg in the high school hallway. The whole student body laughs and laughs. Kong is cool about it, though. He’s all like “Sorry Peter, but I had to go for it! You understand, don’tcha?”

Parker gets mad, and Kong gets sheepish. Flash starts a “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” chant, but the two of them just shrug.

Sullen Twink vs. Smelly Fat Kid! 450:1 odds on the twink!

The chant is cut off by Queens Remedial High School for Dummies’ newest student! The adult that just walked in! He looks frowny and grumpy, but Liz immediately gets hearts around her head. A teacher comes out of the lounge to tell everyone to cork it and go to lunch. The students disperse. We all had a good time for a second there, though, didn’t we?

“I was just screwing around, man,” says Kong.

“Go away,” Parker responds, picking up his books. MJ tears Kong a new, giant B-hole while Liz grabs Flash’s shirt. “He likes it,” Flash says, defending himself against the onslaught of 90-lb girl. “This is why no one will go out with either of you,” Liz says. Flash smiles and says he gets plenty of pussy. Quality pussy. None of that redhead trash. “Zing!!”

Parker has to hold MJ back from tearing Flash a C-hole. Flash walks away triumphantly. Parker groans about Kong, wondering why he’s friendly one day and a jerk the next. Probably because he’s 16 years old. You’re all idiots. That why 29-year-olds should be populating the halls. Speaking of which–

Take that Catwoman! You really do fucking suck! Boo and hiss!

Liz stares at Johnny Storm at his locker while Parker and MJ continue to mumble about how just one little Spider-Man move could tear Flash a new D-hole. Always better to take the high road, though, right kids? Stay away from drugs and strangers, too, and all that. Anyway, Liz is desperately vying for MJ’s attention, so Parker walks away while they engage in girly conversation. Liz wants MJ to hook her up with Johnny Storm. MJ doesn’t wanna talk to him. Liz is like “be my wingman”. MJ is like “no”. “You know what guys like nowadays? They like a girl who has the self-confidence.” She tries to get Parker’s input, but he has had enough girly conversation lately, thank you very much.

“Guys like skanky outfits,” Parker adds. MJ tuts at him.

“He’s too hot for you,” MJ tells Liz. “He’s going to treat you like crap and you’ll let him because he’s way too hot.”

“Not all of us hot guys are jerks,” Parker says. Liz whispers to MJ if he’s joking.

Johnny Storm has made his way to the lunchroom where he eats alone like the school’s newest nerd. Reed calls Johnny up on his adorable 2005 flip phone to remind him that he can’t use his powers at school. And since Johnny just used his flamer powers to heat up a burger, Johnny asks Reed how he knew. “Your watch is a monitor. Don’t do that. You want to be Spider-Man? See the bad press he gets? Mutants? You want that? Just lay low.”

MJ approaches, and Johnny hangs up with smirk. MJ introduces herself and has a rather awkward exchange with the calm and collected 35-year-old new student. After making it clear that she has a boyfriend (which makes Johnny’s face fall a little bit), MJ asks him if he likes blondes.

I will be ravaging that pussy in no time! Thanks for the hook up, my dear lady.

There’s a back and forth here that goes how you would expect it to go. It is agreed that Johnny will show up at the parking lot at the mall after school and say the good ol’ “hey” to Liz, who will happen to be there too. Done and done. Jailbait for the 38-year-old.

And before you know it, Johnny and Liz hit it off. MJ feels like she did her good deed for the day, and now we can all get to our normal high school kid routines of playing Dance Dance Revolution and eating A&W hot dogs.

MJ knows that Parker is still in a funk about Dead Gwen, but he’s trying his best to snap out of it. “It still isn’t your fault,” she tells him. They kiss, and she suggests a fancy date. She wants to dress up fancy and spend a lot of money. Parker is hesitant because he was planning on spending that money on Soulcalibur III and Pixy Stix, but what the hey. They allow themselves a couple of weeks get some money together, and they’ll do it! Yeah! Hooray!

Liz comes back with good news! Johnny’s gonna get all up in her guts, and it’s all thanks to MJ! And, they’re all gonna meet at Rockaway Beach; Johnny, Liz, Parker and MJ. On Friday after school! Bikinis and sunburns! Parker’s in!

Cut to Friday and lol Kong’s there too.

Chris Hansen warned you kids about people like this! Abort! Abort!

Anyway, the beach stuff is fun and all, but now it’s time for a nighttime bonfire with some other teenagers hanging out, because THAT sounds like a good time. Ugh. Stories are told about the Green Goblin coming to Midtown High School and Spider-Man kicking his ass and so forth. Parker and MJ stay out of the conversation for obvious reasons. Shit got too real back then.

“You saw Spider-Man?” Johnny asks Liz.

“Guy leaped right over my head. I saw his butt.”

“I love that guy.”

Johnny stands up and starts talking Spider-Man up something fierce. “Who else you know that just goes out there and helps people? With no agenda. Guy doesn’t care what you say about him – he helps people.”

Johnny doesn’t notice that he just waved his arm into the roaring fire. Suddenly, he explodes into a fiery burst of The Human Torch.

“Uh…” he says to a huge group of gawking teenagers. “I can explain this.”

Final Thoughts

Now we’re cooking with gas! Reed is going to give Johnny the glowering of a lifetime! And Parker is going to find a kindred spirit in Johnny and – yes, that‘s right – he’ll show him his penis.