Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #5! The Revolution storyline comes to an end, and not a moment too soon! Several moments too late, in fact! In the previous installment, Cyclops attempts to convince some Jean Grey School peeps to come join him instead at the abandoned chemical processing plant / slaughterhouse that they are now calling the New Xavier School. He convinces the past version of Angel to join, aka Warren Worthington III, aka Who-Gives-a-Shit. Emma Frost convinces her three motherfucking creepy Stepford Cuckoos to join. The four new kids are starting to feel better about being abducted from their homes and families just a couple of days ago.

I don’t know exactly where this story is going, but Cyclops is going to fail miserably and I’m going to sit here and LAUGH and LAUGH at his disastrous downfall. I hope someone throws him out of a hot air balloon.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [June, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

S.H.I.E.L.D. HELICARRIER, LOCATED 1000 FT. OVER RENO, NEVADA. Time to do some gamblin’ in the Biggest Little City in the World. Check out Lt. Dangle’s short shorts.

The agency is watching a recording of Cyclops addressing his fellow mutants after they kicked the Avengers’ asses (who I hope are still trapped in a time bubble for eternity) to join in on the revolution fun time, and anyone who gets in the way will get a baseball bat to the kneecap.

Commander Maria Hill tells Agent Coulson to turn the recording off as she rubs her forehead wearily. There’s no fucking way that the X-Men beat the Avengers without so much as lifting a finger, right? Come on, man.

Yes. One of the kids can make time bubbles, ma’am.

Hill looks concerned. “Scott Summers made a self-congratulatory incendiary speech, trapped the Avengers in time, and just… took off?”

Yes. They seem to be better than the Avengers, ma’am.

Well, shit. “These X-Men are going to force my hand here,” Hill says, “and they’re not going to like it.”

At the New Xavier School for the “Gifted” (read: “Unstable”), Illyana sits alone in a room all glum. Cyclops passes by and asks how he can help. Illyana tells him he can take a long walk off a short pier then stick a gun in his mouth and then she’ll throw a brick at his head, that’s how he can help.

Uh huh. So, what was that about at the end of the last issue there? Cyclops wants some info. What happened, lady? Spill. Cyclops needs to know everything at every moment at every time. Even in the stopped time, which is admittedly easier to know things about in the moment.

Easy joke here. I’ll skip it.

Cyclops is just concerned if she’s in trouble, and if she’s in trouble then does that mean the rest of them are in trouble? And then does that mean he’s in trouble? Looking out for #1 as always.

Return to an hour ago when Magik was having these fitz and the tantrums. All “AAGHH” and “AAAAGGGH” about it like an attention whore. “It… it was…” she struggles to remember those moments, “…nothing like this had ever happened to me before.” And that shit is crazy, because everything has happened to her before! You don’t even want to know some of the sex stuff, man. It would rattle that peanut brain inside your head.

Magik had been suddenly pulled out of the dimension and into the Limbo dimension! We see some real Hell stuff. A regular Dante’s Inferno.

Cyclops asks if she knew who did it.

And in Limbo, Magik had confronted her captor. “Are you just completely out of your mind, Dormammu? Who are you to touch me?!”

Oh great, I’m supposed to know who Dormammu is? She said it in these incredibly huge red letters, like it’s a big reveal that is supposed to make readers gasp! Well, let me tell you, the only gasp I did was for air after spending too many minutes in the BULLSHIT RIVER, my friends.

Dormammu looks like a face in a flame with big stone arms. “WELCOME BACK TO YOUR ABANDONED KINGDOM, RASPUTIN. DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WITH THE PLACE?”

Really, you’re going to throw brand new stuff toward me in the last issue of a storyline? I ain’t havin’ it. Show me some Wolverine eating Cheetos on the couch.

Oh man, is Magik ever pissed. And she’s cute when she’s pissed.

You can tell me to learn my place any day of the week, Sister.

Dormammu asks her, bluntly, if she can even fathom the madness that she has brought to Limbo. She says she doesn’t give a shit, and she leaps at Flame Head with her comically large sword. Then he lights her on fire for a bit to make an example out of her.

This Dormammu chap points an angry finger right back at her and tells her that he waited and waited for her to let go of the Phoenix force and/or have the Phoenix force destroy her. Whichever came first. And it sucks, because the Phoenix’s destruction of everyone’s super mutant powers, especially hers, is “ripping his world apart”. Not good. Time to die, little one.

“You are a threat to my existence,” continues Dormammu like the awful windbag that he obviously is. So he sticks his giant burning finger through her torso and makes her go “NNYYAAGGHH!” Like the Pillsbury Dough Boy sorta.

Dor Mammu tries to damn Magik to death, but instead of being damned to death during this boss fight, she evolves into a second form. “HOW… DARE… YOU?!”

Oh snap, Dorma Mmu! “He forced it out of me,” she recounts to Cyclops, “he forced me to reveal her… my darker self. The Darkchilde.”

Ah, ok then. *checks watch*

She’s lost control, just like the woman in that Joy Division song. She didn’t even know what was happening! “It was like I was watching a movie,” she later says. Yeah, maybe one of those shitty action movies where you can barely even tell what’s happening, like X-Men: The Last Stand or something similar! She beats and bashes this mofo, warns him not to touch her like this again! Or even LOOK at her! Or be in the same dimension at the same time! Or anywhere at any given moment, honestly.

She makes short work of this dude. Then she looks at the lower demons, hundreds of them, who are all standing around looking mean and dumb. She waves her sword around, and they all take off scared in the opposite direction.

You wish, pal. I’m the one taking Centrum Silver everyday. Not you.

Dormammu just won’t give up the yap yap yap yap yap. YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR POWER IS COMING FROM. YOU WILL PAY. YOU ARE A STUPID LITTLE GIRL. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING. Yap yap yap. Magik tells him to put a cork in it.

But the thing that made her super man was that Dormammu was right. Her powers are all fucked up. Just like Cyclops’. Just like Magneto’s. Just like everybody’s. Maybe even Kitty Pryde. She probably phased through a wall and got stuck with the rats.

“The difference here is mine are connected to magic – to Limbo,” she explains, and that’s probably worse than Cyclops burning his dick off with his eyeballs. Well… maybe it’s similar…

“For the first time since I was a little girl proper… I am so scared. I am so confused. And I do not know what to do,” she admits. She really should’ve booted Cyclops out of the room instead of telling him this stuff. This is need-to-know basis stuff only, and he doesn’t need to know! I don’t want him to know anything.

And it sucks because things seemed ok a few days ago. Now there’s a kid who shoots gold balls out of his butt, and now she doesn’t know which way is up, and everything is just so nuts.

Cyclops advises that she perhaps go visit Doctor Strange to see if he can help. HA! The Avenger? Fat chance. How about an actual good idea for once in your sorry–

“AAAHHGG!”

Sucked back into Limbo again. This back-and-forth might take a while. Grab a snack.

The newbies are starting to get unnerved, and they were all already unnerved. The oldbies tell them not to worry, Scott can handle this. The newbies have not been successfully unnerved.

Frost turns to her cuckoos to ask if the three little hellraisers know what’s going on. They tell her that Illyana’s powers are broken too. And it’s not good. Especially since it seemed like she was fine. But of course she’s not. I saw that one coming a hundred miles away! Give or take seventeen feet.

Magik is doubled over on the floor while Cyclops begs her to explain what’s happening. She’s not answering. It sounds like Cyclops wasn’t paying any attention to her whole story! Limbo, man! Davidmamet! Demons! Hello?!

OHHHH, I’M SORRY. Is this place not good enough for the guy with the fluffy angel wings?!?

She lifts herself up crying and still insisting that she is ok. She’s not ok. There’s a definite, smelly aura of not-okayness permeating the air.

Angel Worthington Worthless XXXIV is being a snooty snoot, but Magneto, for one, is delighted that the strapping gent decided to join their elite ranks! As long as he brought the dip! Heh heh. Those potato chips need something *nudge*, eh Worthington??

“I’m proud of you for breaking ranks with the other original X-Men,” Magneto smiles. “You will do well here.”

Well, if you put it that way, Worthington will NOT do well here! Just try and make me live up to your expectations, you old man. You have some pennies stuck to you. How about you magnetize some real money?

Magik’s screeching and groaning is scaring the cuckoos. They look up to Frost with actual worried eyes, wondering if Magik is going to be ok. This is the part where Frost has them snared in her manipulative trap all over again!

“I-I don’t want to mess this up for us,” Magik tells Cyclops while sitting on the floor. “We need to make this school work. We need this. This has to be our second chance.”

Cyclops gives her a BIG OL’ SMILE, looking like Tom Cruise wearing Wayfarers. “We’ll fix ourselves, retrain ourselves, get our students on their feet… then we’ll get this new mutant revolution on the road. Okay?”

Okay, Dad. Thanks.

In the other room Worthington congratulates Magneto on seeming less crazy! It’s a good look.

Christopher the Healer is drooling over blonde triplets. They turn around and give him 1000-yard stares with their dead, soulless eyes. “Look at you… what’s your name, handsome?”

Christopher the Healer is making a face like he thinks he’s about to get his dick sucked by three identical girls, but then he doesn’t remember his own name.

Listen, ladies. Christopher’s got some real healing powers! He’ll show you. Just lie down, and… *forgets sex*

SPEAKING OF SEX, Magik and Cyclops emerge from their seven minutes in heaven looking fresh as springtime daisies! And thank the stars, because Warren Wuthering Heights III the Angel is tired of not knowing where he is, why, what, where, why, and where he is! Eva Bell thinks Cyclops is the sexiest thing since sliced bread, which is gross and I won’t speak anything more of it. Except that now Frost is gonna have a fucking rival now to fight over Smelly Cyclops.

Scottie 2 Hottie explains to the room that they’re all going to visit dear old Doctor Strange soon to fix Magik’s Limbo Disorder, but Magik’s outbursts suggest that she never actually agreed to this bullshiz, and this confused Cyclops because he definitely heard himself say that it was an agreement! “Oh crikey hell!” the Australian was heard to say.

Because Magik is freaking out Limbo-style again. And this time, she took the rest of them with her.

Final Thoughts

Speaking of being in Hell, I’m in Hell too. Reading this with my tired eyeballs.