Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Parent Teacher Disorganization”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Style > Substance storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Parent Teacher Disorganization”! In the previous installment, Teddy catches on quickly that his “mom” isn’t actually him “mom” but an “interdimensional parasite” hellbent on throwing him and Billy into a large white rectangle dimension! It almost works, but Loki busts them out of there.

Unfortunately, much to Loki’s chagrin, Teddy and Billy are on to him and his possible hijinks. They take him over to Asgardia which is in – yes, you guessed it – Oklahoma.

A giant blue guy named Laufey meets them at the front gates. Laufey is supposed to be dead. This is supposed to be a surprise for the reading audience, but I instead care more about the bacon sandwich with ketchup that Loki got. Kinda gross, man, but also I want one.

Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [May, 2013]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Parent Teacher Disorganization”

Hell yeah, cover art. ‘X’ marks the spot, and that spot is a fist. To the face. Courtesy of Miss America. Eat it. I’m low-key getting tired of Loki, as it were, and these two nerds aren’t helping push the story forward much, either. Let’s get a girl in the mix, ya jabronis.

“Something got your attention, Heimdall? Some manner of tumult? Some chaos?”

“Children, Volstagg. Loki and some human friends.”

Heimdall wears horns and carries a sword. Volstagg is fat with a beard.

Volstagg toasts to these young kids getting to fight a blue giant. Lucky, lucky, lucky.

Meanwhile, the lucky so-and-sos are having the time of their lives! Billy keeps Laufey distracted with blasts of magic jizz while Teddy attempts to carry Loki into Asgardia. It doesn’t work. Laufey tosses a chained bear trap toward Teddy’s leg and it catches. Blood is everywhere! Gross! He then yanks the chain toward him, pulling both Teddy and Loki toward his waiting wrath! Oh, the wrath waits, my friend. It waits for… well, nobody. It waits for nobody. Sorry for misleading you there for a moment.

“Everyone always said the streak-of-piss mouthy Loki boy’s good for nothing,” Laufey GUFFAWS as he raises a meat cleaver over his head. “I bet he’s good for eating.”

Boogity Boogity Boogity!!

Billy tries some of that Voodoo magic! It works a little bit; Laufey starts degrading into colored goo… but then Billy trips like a dumbass.

Don’t worry. Miss America not only shows up to plow into this guy’s face at 6,000,000 mph, but she proves that she’s the biggest badass this side of *looks it up again * Broxton, Oklahoma? Man…

The three of them stare at her in awe. Like “ohhhhh, THIS is how you’re supposed to be a hero! All this time I’ve been fucking up uselessly.”

“Everyone good?” she asks them. Teddy gets lippy. Billy just calls what she did cool. She knows she’s cool. Who are you again? And who’s the blue guy? And who cares, forget she asked.

Here’s what’s going on, ma’am. Teddy’s this guy *points to Teddy*. Billy raised his mom from the dead and she turned out to be some wackaloon parasite from an alternate dimension. Loki’s this guy *points to a fire hydrant*. Laufey’s supposed to be his dead father, but he also came back from the dead in some capacity. Dead parents are coming back in some capacity. Now you’re caught up.

BUT WHY AND FROM WHENCE?! Those questions aren’t important. Back off.

Miss America gets a piece of the action, too, since her two moms show up to lay down the guilt trip. “We turned ourselves into a smear across infinite realities for you. We saved the world and left you a utopia… and you run away from it?”

Miss America is like, yeah, we gotta go. Loki is about to say that thing he says that teleports him out of dodge, but America slaps his mouth shut.

If I lost a tooth every time I said “REMR><PRBR”, I’d have a mouth full of teeth!

“Stop this. Come home,” says Mom #2. “You have a decade of studies to catch up on.” And Laufey starts rising up too with that sexy, angry glint in his eye! This is when Miss America lets Loki say the REMR>

It looks like Loki’s got everything under control! Let’s check in with the Kaplan household where Billy’s Pod Parents are fretting over the disappearance of their foster kid Teddy and their real kid Billy. “I can’t believe they haven’t called.” “They’re not normally inconsiderate.”

At exactly 10:28, which is the exact time these young Avenger-type kids popped up at the NYC nightclub, Mrs. Teddy’s Mom lady says that she’s found the kids. “They’re keeping terrible company,” she says, pulling on her jacket.

The Kaplans look sleepy. “We can’t have that. This is for the best, and we know what’s best, right? In the long run, they’ll thank us for it.”

Teddy’s Mom looks sleepy, yet wry! “Exactly.”

Skrulls. Cute boys. Neither of these topics tickle America’s fancy, gentlemen. Read the room.

At the nightclub, America looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. The library, a church, a brothel, a KKK rally, anywhere. Loki holds up four IDs like they’re playing cards. “As you can see,” he grins to the bouncers, “all their IDs are in perfect order, gentlemen. Now, send over a Magnum, if you will.”

A Magnum can either mean two things to me: a Tom Selleck, or a giant condom. And, buddy, put the two together.

Anyway, Loki calls for the group’s attention. “It seems we’re all in this together. How to unravel the mess–”

America interrupts sulkily and warns Teddy and Billy that Loki cannot be trusted. They already know this! Look at him! They tried to carry his ass to Asgardia, remember? Broxton, Oklahoma! Home of the *checks Wikipedia* intention to form an actual town? lol

“You don’t know the full story,” America continues. “Before all this, he came to me… he tried to talk me into killing you.” Then they all glare at the mischievous little rapscallion. “Er… yes,” he admits, pouring himself a large glass of champagne. “I wanted you to protect him. Imagine if I asked you to do that. What would you have done?”

Nothing. The answer would’ve been nothing.

What’s your other superpower, son? Throwing a lavish pity party?

Cool. America is intrigued now, since she never even considered that Loki didn’t want to be a total piece of shit. “Assume I believe you. What spell were you trying to cast?” Aha, nope! He wasn’t trying to cast a spell, he was trying to intercept Wiccan’s spell! Wiccan; you know Wiccan, right? Billy Boy. Right there. The kid that brought the interdimensional parasite back to their reality?

It didn’t work though! You can check the previous issues of Young Avengers!

“I tried to banish her, and it felt like I was going to die,” Billy says of Teddy’s fake not-dead mother. Too bad he’s tied too much of his full power into bring her through in the first place. You’d be able to actually banish her if you didn’t let her come over. Way to suck.

“Anything one can manage with a wand and a word is within my skill purview,” Loki pats himself on the back. “But this body? It has too little power. Even the minor spells exhaust me. Even that teleport has left me on the edge of having a nice little lie-down.” Long story short, Loki can teach this kid how to have a little more control so he can do the banishing spell! All it will cost him is however money it would take to buy about 300 of those bacon sandwiches. Hell yes! After that, the possessed parents will no longer be possessed. Parasites will be gone. We can all go home to our episodes of that old reality show with the Clock Hype-Man.

It will take too much time to learn, so scratch that. Let’s be expedient! “Loan me your power…” Loki says over his large glass of bubbly. And none of them like the sound of that one bit. “Just for ten minutes. I use it to cast the spell and… well, the problem goes away.” And none of them like the sound of that one bit.

“I wouldn’t lend you an eraser, let alone power over reality,” Billy glares. He doesn’t have many erasers, probably. Loki tries a new tactic and mentions Game of Thrones. “Who’s your favorite character?”

“Tyrion,” says Billy.

“Tyrion,” says Teddy.

“I’m Tyrion!” Loki smiles effusively. The declaration gets a lukewarm reaction.

The bouncer stops by to tell the children that their parents are here to pick them up. And indeed they are: Teddy’s Fake Mom. The Kaplans. America’s two moms. Nobody for Loki. Sad Loki. He tries to teleport them out of there again, but he flumps on the table like this: FLUMP! It’s pathetic. I don’t even drink and it would take me at least three glasses of champagne to flump!

Teddy Hulks out, as he should, being the Hulking, and starts wailing on the adults. America follows suit. Each punch and kick produces splashes of gooey liquid. The fighting lasts for about two pages. Sometimes they get punched back! Teddy gets a nice one right in the jaw by America Mom #1.

The lights go out.

“Billy. Wake up Billy. Fight’s over. We asked the parents to stay and everyone else to leave. They all did. They all understood. Grown-ups always do. And then we had a little chat about your future. And wonderful news!”

The lights come back on. Teddy’s mom is doing the talking.

“Everyone agreed that it’s best you and my lovely boy come home with me so I can feed on your souls until you’re nice and dead inside.”

The four children and trapped together in a net of fleshy goo! It would almost be quite sexy if Loki weren’t there. Also, the goo.

“Hope will only hurt you, Billy. It really will. Best to be rid of it.”