Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #4

* Part 4 of 5 of the Style > Substance storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #4! In the previous installment, the trip to Asgardia doesn’t go as planned, and everyone’s parents keep showing up to scold and chastise. Loki got tired of that shit, so he whisked the four of them away to a nightclub in NYC to talk shop. Loki has a simple request: have Billy lend him his power so that he can banish the insidious interdimensional parasite himself! Badabing badaboom, we wrap this up by 4pm and then TV dinners for all!

Teddy, Billy, and America hate this idea.

But they have to think fast, because the Parental Pod People have shown up and now Teddy’s fake-ass mom wants to eat their souls!

And if that weren’t enough, I just dropped some cottage cheese on my jeans! Dadgummit!

Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [June, 2013]
Written by: Kieron Gillen

After three issues, we circle back to Marvel Boy and Hawkeye (not the Jeremy Renner Hawkeye, some other ladylike Hawkeye), who were having lewd relations up in space. They have a fix on M.J.’s Nightclub in New York (Michael Jackson? Michael Jordan? Magic Johnson? Mick Jagger?), where Teddy’s Fake Mom is threatening a group of kids with an evening, plus an eternity, of soul munchin’. “Good news,” announces Marvel Boy, “in addition to losing our Skrull pursuers, I believe we’ve found your friends, Kate Bishop of Earth.”

“I knew something was up,” she responds. “Billy not responding to texts within seconds hinted it was end-of-the-world time.” Ha! Kids and their phones! Am I right, fellows?

“She’s my favorite Hawkeye,” Noh-Varr Marvel Boy thinks. “I have met another one, though. We didn’t make love. He was a man. Also fond of purple.”

Marvel spends some time killing extradimensional beings in some sort of NYC office building. There’s a full page spread of it if you want to buy the issue and look it yourself! Hint hint.

“He was a pretty good shot. You know… for a human.”

Marvel Boy plows through some glass and finds himself in the nightclub. He blasts the kids with a sticky spooge-like substance and frees the kids from their intergalactic, gluey shackles! “Come with me if you want to be awesome,” Marvel Boy says, turning back toward the broken window.

Hey, Kate’s back there too! Hi Kate! Does everyone know Kate? She’s a friend who murdered Hawkeye and stole his identity! Hellloooo!!

The gooey remnants of Fake Mom plus Pod Foster Parents start regenerating, like they are wont to do. Then some unexpected guests show up.

Speaking of genestuff, I gotta figure out how to get this cottage cheese stain out of my jeanstuff.

“I know this is early…” Marvel Boy addresses his fuck-buddy, “…but meet my parents.”

Marvel Boy’s parents died in a “the ephihany fire”, whatever that may be, shortly after he and his family crossed two hundred million realities. “Earth made a bad first impression,” he says. So what’s going on? Why did his dead parents show up just to reprimand him as if he were a CHILD?! Is this a crazy cosmic joke? Do the cosmos have anything to do with this? How about Cosmo Kramer, is he involved somehow? Giddy-up.

Billy takes the blame for this again. Cast a spell, parents rose from the dead, lots of soul-eating and disappointed dads. No time for a pity party, though, because now America’s parents have shown up again and they’re going to give their daughter a licking she won’t soon forget!

“We need to find a place away from parents. A clear space to do whatever we have to…” Ha, like jerking off? Probably. These teenagers and their hightened sex drives. Parents just don’t understand! Hawkeye suggests flying up, but Marvel Boy does not want to fight his parents in space. Not now, not ever, end of story. To Central Park it is!

Overlooking Central Park is the Avengers Mansion, which I didn’t know existed next to Central Park, but then again, I didn’t know Asgardian was in Broxton, Oklahoma either! I’m silly that way, sometimes. Thor and Captain America are up late and unable to sleep, which is lucky all the same because Marvel Boy flies his spacecraft right out their window while the superparents try to blast it with their various colored laser beams.

“Anything up?” Captain America asks.

*fighting*

“Nay,” Thor responds, continuing his coffee.

Like fuck she’s going to let a man do a woman’s job. How dare he even consider it?

Marvel Boy’s Dead Daddy plows through the wall of the craft and barrels into Billy. He bursts through the other side and takes the kid off to space. America flies off after them, but Daddy tore a hole in the “Kirby engines”. This Kirby ain’t returning to dreamland anytime soon. He’s going to have to land the ship.

“You really do love him,” Loki stares at Teddy with cold eyes. “I’m not surprised. You are dating a reality warper and all.”

WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, PUNK? “Who knows when or where he’s going to meddle? I’ve had to take so many precautions to protect my own self to even be around him…”

“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, PUNK? Yo, read between the lines, Teddy. Loki is suggesting that Billy is manipulating you. Don’t you get it? You’re no catch! You’re being used for your… uh… Nintendo? Listen, it doesn’t matter. Hear Loki out about this.

“Look at where we are, Teddy. This is what happens as long as Billy doesn’t understand his powers.” Loki motions to the carnage happening outside of the craft.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say Loki is the manipulator here. But I do know better, and I say Loki is the manipulator here! Doesn’t matter right, table it at the moment. “C’mon! Let’s go save the world from us!” Loki exclaims, bounding out of the craft with pep in his step!

America has already grabbed Billy from the clutches of Marvel Boy’s Dead-Ass Dad, who is chasing her down with his fire-blasting fists. Hawkeye makes short work of him by launching a projectile from a Kree compositie soul bow. BLAM! EXPLODED INTO GOO! Go fuck yourself.

Vintage, like an aged Kree composite soul wine.

Marvel would’ve used something a little less outmoded like a plasma cannon or a waffle iron, but hey, it did the job.

“Guys, we need a plan,” Teddy says.

“Punch everyone,” America responds.

“One that goes further than punching everyone,” Hawkeye rebuts on Teddy’s behalf.

Loki crosses his arms and mentions that he already has a sound plan. Channel Billy’s powers into him so he can get this fucking job done and what is everyone waiting for? “We’re not doing it,” Billy throws up his arms. “No way am I giving him my powers, not even for ten minutes.”

Fine. Plan B then. *microwaves some popcorn* Kill Billy! “It’s his power! Kill him and all this stops,” Loki says jubilantly. He tried to kill him in the first place, it would be fun to follow through. Besides, no one would miss him. He whines a lot.

It’s an obvious hard no for Teddy. Hawkeye chimes in that she’s glad her own mother hasn’t risen from the dead just to give her the business. It would suck to have to make her dead all over again. “At least your mom wouldn’t eat you,” Loki grumbles.

Wait a tick! Loki starts spinning the ol’ brain gears. “Wiccan! Good news! We don’t have to kill you! I’ve got a new plan…”

“…loan me your power for ten minutes!” he smiles. This is different from the other plan, though, he swears it! This time he’s not trying to trick him! lol! lmao! “There’s no time to explain. Loan me the power.”

America looks defeated. Shrugging, she admits that there really isn’t much time to make a decision. Billy is apprehensive. Loki gets right up into his ear and mutters soft, sweet nothings.

Not now he doesn’t, but give it another 15 years of mopey whininess and he’ll do anything to snap your neck.

“LOKIHASMYPOWERSFORTENMINUTES,” Wiccan declares as the electric blue light shines and transfers over to the mischiveous little imp.

“Oh wow! Thanks!” Loki says as he stares at his electrified hands. “I thought you were going to be terribly stubborn and I’d have to die here along with anyone else. And you have no idea how disagreeable that’d be.”

Then he says that “REMR><PRBR” word and disappears into the night. They all stare at the space he was standing, downtrodden.

“My fault,” Billy sighs. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Oh yeah?” America clenches her fist. “I do. But you guys are rated PG-13.”