East of West, Issue #36 – “This Is a Real Revolution”

* Part 7 of 16 of the The Apocalypse: Year Three storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #36 – “This Is a Real Revolution”! In the previous installment, we catch up on what Death and Babylon are up to. And guess what? They’re bonding! Skipping stones and fishing and swappin’ stories. Why, Death almost becomes sick of the little shit. I mean, he kind of does. Thinks that boy ain’t right.

Xiaolian sends a message through her one-way walkie-talkie that she’ll be leading her army. Babylon wants to help, and by God, they’re both gonna help!

Looking forward to seeing just how in the HELL they’re going to do that exactly. But right now I’d rather watch Andrew Archibald Chamberlain eat his own butt.

East of West, Issue #36 [March, 2018]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“This Is a Real Revolution”

East of West, Issue #36

From afar, high up in the air in their crazy ships, Wolf and Crow observe the burning Union. He asks some weird robotic creep what it knows of the White Tower. This weird robotic creep may be a human for all I know! Maybe I’ve even seen him before and written six paragraphs about his eating habits.

What he knows about the White Tower is that it’s currently burning, so we can check that one off the list. There has been an uprising and chaos is tearing the city apart. “As ordered, we have completed a cursory drone reconnaissance. There are power outages. Shortages of food. And what little hold the rebels have on the city, they are losing quickly.”

So, in short, the Endless Nation can stomp right on in and take if they so wish. Crow isn’t as optimistic. Wolf is very optimistic! So it’s settled.

Bodaway chastises everyone present about their ignorance about the Union being “bones and bonded”. No pureblood Nation native can enter the city for reasons that aren’t explained (shock collars). They can’t send their machines either, as the Union has countermeasures for automatically stopping an automaton invasion. So let’s go home! Fun’s over!

Wolf still stares at the burning city and starts waxing poetic about yada yada yada. “When a conquering nation has no external enemies, it turns its aggression inward. A kind of natural schism occurs… and the enemy becomes yourself. The old ways start to fear the new ways. And the new ways have contempt for the ones that came before.”

“The Machine City. The Sea of Bones. ‘Bones and Bonded’,” he continues. “I know what that means better than you, Bodaway.”

So there is, apparently, a whole vault of skeleton stashed away somewhere in the Union. The Nation sends in a UFO-type automaton to crash through into Bone Storage and abduct all the bones. “I am bringing our lost brothers and sisters home. I am breaking the spell… and ending this madness of hating ourselves.”

East of West, Issue #36

…Baba Booey Baba Booey Baba Booey!!

Wolf stands importantly.

“I have not come to tear down what our people have become… I have come here to heal the old wounds… So that together we can become something greater than we ever were.

Bing bang boom win.

“Your end will be the same as theirs. There is nothing special about you.”

Two days later, creepy Endless Nation robot dude announces that they’ve gained control of the power grid, the automated functions, and suppressed more of that pesky uprising behavior. Now that the people have been subdued and tranquilized and stuffed into lockers, the Nation is ready to secure the perimeter of the city limits. “Tell the elders the Union is ours.”

Wolf rides in on the Hellbeast. The one, of course, that Ezra Orion was connected to until Wolf ate him. It hisses and asks Wolf what he will be doing with the population. Will he show them mercy or will he show them reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos?

“…I don’t know,” Wolf responds, rather sheepishly I might add.

They pass by the skeletonized remains of Madame Antonia LeVay, burned at the stake. Looks tasty!

East of West, Issue #36

WHERE is the America’s Funniest Home Videos we were promised?!

Wolf gets up on some high overlook and addresses his new batch of people, introducing himself and telling them that he is the end of conflict. He is peace… yeah, a piece of ass that is… “I don’t care which side you were on – or what you fought for. From here on out, mine is the only side that matters.”

“NO!” screams a tiny little voice from the large crowd. It’s the Resistance Girl, I don’t remember her name! I don’t think I learned it. She is demanded to be silenced, but SHE WILL BE HEARD!

“This is wrong! All wrong! We fought against corruption and oppression… We fought to free ourselves from those who saw us as inferior… subhuman. They… they treated us like animals… They starved us! They murdered us! And now you want to pretend we’re the same?”

All good points! She tells them all to fuck off. Bodaway calmly tells her that their little resistance and the history of the Union in general is just a blip in a much larger, colder history. As in, straighten up and fly right or they’re going to do to you what all the white people did to them hundreds of years ago. You feel me?

Bodaway turns to Wolf. Wolf stares back. “My words were clear… peace for all.”

Resistance Girl is not happy. This still stinks to high heaven. She has lost the fight in her… she hangs her head, and, in a meek voice, she says: “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. We… we won.”

“These are the end times, child… there are no righteous left among the living,” replies Wolf.

“And what you’re feeling… that’s the hopelessness of a conquered people,” explains Bodaway solemnly. “Fight it… don’t fight it… we leave it to you.”

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Or not.

Or maybe?

“I will never fucking kneel,” she says.

“Good for you. Dying as you lived is a just end,” says Bodaway as a couple of guards pick the girl up and take her away, presumably to make her watch America’s Funniest Home Videos until she dies of a gut-bursting laughter.

“Let this be a lesson.” Wolf addresses his new people once more. “Tearing something down is easy. Holding on to it… building something better… that demands more than rage.”

“We have taken all that you have. We will erase all that you were.”

I love how nihilistic this series is! Really melts my butter!

East of West, Issue #36

Nothing pleases me more than watching that silly goose Bob Saget, actually, sir.

Bodaway snidely praises Wolf on, frankly, some actual impressive accomplishments. “Should I expect an encore? Or are you finished.”

…

“I ask, because I’m beginning to feel like a foil,” Bodaway frowns. What good is a council of elders if you make no mistake?”

Ahhh, the claws come out! Hisss! Meow! Woof! Blub! Wolf assures the stinky old man that his services are valued, actually, and shove a cork in it. Bodaway doesn’t believe Wolf. Wolf assures him further that, perhaps, maybe, uhhh, perhaps he could get a place above his current position. Want to run the Union?

“Ha!” Bodaway spits, not too keen on running any union, let alone the Union. But so it shall be, for Wolf leaps out the broken window gracefully, cape billowing in the wind. “My role here is done. But the Prophet’s? That remains unfinished.”

We turn to the Atlas, which I think was ol’ One-Eyed Barkeep’s place of business. It has that big globe-like thing that can track… Babylon, I think it was? This was many issues ago and I have Alzheimer’s. The Three Hapless Horsemen enter and take a look at the globe. The place is full of skeletons, including the barkeep’s. “Monkeys… Monkeys… Monkeys as far as the eye can see,” says War.

Famine peers at a blip on the map. “I think I have something,” she says, eyes all kinds of buggin’. And yes, I was right, this was all to find Babylon. The last directive, according to THE ATLAS, was a group of four bounty hunters sent over to find the child (I do remember these schmucks) and then… nothing.

“Well…” War downs a shot of what I can only assume is FUTURE BOURBON. “Sounds like we have some catching up to do.”

MEANWHILE, Death and Babylon are camping out for another night. A whiny Babylon asks his exasperated father how much longer until they get to where they’re going – finding the Maoist army. Even Balloon can’t pinpoint that with all its whiz-bang gadgets and hoo-hahs.

East of West, Issue #36

Good thing I brought Parcheesi!

“Hey… can I ask you something?” Babylon looks at his father with his no-eyeballs.

“…One question. Then bed.”

“Okay. What’s she like?”

Oof. Well, she’s got candy-coated hands that can crush your little peanut skull to oblivion! She’s perfect. Strong. Beautiful. Confident. She smells like potpourri, the kind you put in a bathroom to eliminate the, you know, the stench. “To put it plain… your mother is the most impressive woman I’ve ever met. But that’s not the best part.”

What is the best part? Getting that adamantite handjob?

“For the first time ever, someone made me not wanna be a monster. And now, I get to do somethin’ for her. Bring you home. How’s that sound, kiddo?”

“Can’t wait!” Babylon grins.

Elsewhere, Wolf and Crow (and some muscle) are also traversing the desert. “The Message is itching under my skin. I hear that fool Orion screaming in my head.”

Time to go to the old Armistice. Time for the final days of the Prophet.

Final Thoughts

We’re really building up to something, ain’t we, folks? Time to see how the HELL a little white kid can help his warmongering mother. Maybe “I LOVE YOU” cards scrawled in crayon?


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Devs – It’s All Happening Anyway

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Devs, Miniseries (2020) (FX on Hulu)

Devs
Once again, I turn to a series that focuses predominately on philosophical matters. It’s the kick in I’m until I get tired of it and return to My Little Pony and Frasier.

This is yet another recommendation based on my love of Severance, and until I dove in I thought it was a half-hour comedy! Oh, how wrong I was. This show is dreadfully unfunny.

The Premise

The Amaya company is owned and operated by a burly bear of a man named Forest (Nick Offerman). The top-secret “Devs” project, Forest’s baby, is headed by Katie (Alison Pill) and comprises a small team of the best minds of the Amaya company. Devs follows Lily Chan (Sonoya Mizuno), an unwilling participant in a conspiracy following her boyfriend’s death at the hands of the Amaya company after he tries to record and steal code from the Devs computers. All sorts of shit starts happening, mostly because head of security Kenton (Zach Grenier) is a ruthless motherfucker who just decides to kill people kinda for no reason. He considers Lily a threat to Devs and Amaya. Lily just spends the majority of the series hyperventilating.

My Half-Baked Thoughts

I’m really torn on this. I think Devs builds a fascinating concept — that the future and the past can both be resolved essentially as a filmstrip that can be viewied in the present with the right equipment and code. The theme of determinism is hit over your head constantly, constantly, constantly, specifically making a point to disregard free will as a option. They make a pretty strong case for it until Lily throws that gun out of the transporter and all hell breaks loose! And then the show fails to explain that moment with its own internal logic, but I digress already! I love the plot. It’s a really cool idea. And I spent the entire show fascinated by what I was watching. And I didn’t feel like any of my time was wasted.

Devs

Just make a right at the giant girl statue. You can’t miss it.

The acting was disappointingly substandard almost across the board. Everyone had two settings: calm and monotone, or freaking out and crying. I’m biased and gave Sonoya Mizuno somewhat of a pass because she’s cute as a button and she had a super-hot haircut, but goddamn was her performance the most abysmal pile of warm turds I’ve seen from a lead in a long time. Maybe they shouldn’t have forced an American accent on her. And speaking of that, Sergei, Lily’s boyfriend (played by American Karl Glusman), was obviously faking his Russian accent like a faking faker and it bugged me. Alison Pill’s performance was annoying and pretentious, with not much room for an emotion or reaction of any kind during every sentence she spoke and every sentence spoken to her. Even Nick Offerman was woefully underused to his potential, but he carried the show with what little freedom he was given beyond answering every question asked of him with a simple, stoic “yes” (Pill did this too). My props go to Stewart (Stephen McKinley Henderson), the guy on the Devs team who was the only good actor in the whole series. Congratulations, Stewart, you didn’t sound like you were reading your lines straight from a script. Have some cake.

Devs

Set a course for a show with better acting. Warp speed. Engage.

The storytelling was frustratingly slow at times, too. Here’s some dialogue for you:

“Is this Devs?”
“…yes.”
“Is this where the Devs team works?”
“…yes.”
“On Devs projects?”
“…yes.”
“And the goal is to go back in time to kill Hitler?”
“…not exactly.”
“The goal is to go back in time and bone Jesus?”
“…yes.”

Characterizations also seemed to be off. Lily is supposed to be an incredibly smart software engineer, and the only display of incredible intellect was her rattling off Fibonacci sequence numbers to her friends. I was hoping at the beginning that they would put a lot of focus on her abilities to weave through the mystery, but she spends the entire series helpless and clueless. She needs her ex-boyfriend Jamie (Jin Ha, who had the worst beard I’ve ever seen on TV) to do everything for her with respect to software, i.e. cracking the password-protected fake Sudoku app on Sergei’s phone, or finding fakery clues in Sergei’s self-immolation footage.

Devs

“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

Storytelling and acting aside, some real and interesting questions arise from whole determinism vs. free will philosophy. Forest’s entire motivation is to somehow, in any way he can, “resurrect” his dead daughter, Amaya. He’s lost between the blind hope and the logical realization that whatever happened had happened, and it’s the only thing that happened. And he’s a bit of a sociopath about it too, sacrificing others in pursuit of his own interests (and repeatedly apologizing to them for it). But the bulk of what we see in Devs involves resolving these fuzzy, static-laden images of the past — and the future, in some cases, when the rules are broken. I see it as Forest trying to maintain complete control AND determinism allows him to avoid accountability for some of his awful actions. This is why he freaked the fuck out at Lyndon when his contributions gave strong support toward the multiverse theory, aka “free will is a thing, actually.” No determinism. No control. Many universes where Amaya didn’t die.

I want to talk about Lyndon for a moment. I found it abundantly distracting that Lyndon was portrayed by a woman for several reasons. 1) Lyndon didn’t have to be male at all. Make him a girl genius prodigy instead. We needed another female character in the cast anyway. 2) If the idea was to make Lyndon be some pre-pubescent boy genius, then they shouldn’t have had Stewart call him a 19-year-old. Weird. 3) They not only didn’t allude to a transgender situation (which they obviously didn’t have to, but that’s not the point), Alex Garland specifically during an interview said that Lyndon isn’t transgender. The only explanation I have that would sit well with me is that Garland chose a woman to play Lyndon due to child labor law restrictions, but Lyndon is a fucking 19-year-old. Suck my dick with that shit.

Good series overall, though!

Devs

Or maybe not. Watch Mr. Robot instead.

Worth the Watch?

Hold on, I didn’t get to talk about ME. MEEEEEE. What do I believe, determinism or free will? Since I don’t pretend to be a philosopher except all the other 900 times that I did for money, I can’t speak on this subject with any sort of intelligence or poise. I do have a hard time believing in free will, though, considering what I know about science and physics and entropy. I do believe that every cause has an effect, and that every effect is just an event that happened because of a prior cause. This repeats indefinitely. And if you are the camp that believes that time is just the fourth dimension, and that fifth-dimensional beings are able to see the entirety of time from beginning to end, then it stands to reason that that string of time from beginning to end is fixed. Even if there are branches jutting out from the string of time, they are still fixed and pre-determined. Even if there are an infinite number of strings all jumbled up in a big mess, it’s fixed. The string of time would have to observably grow before the fifth-dimensional being’s eyes in order for free will to exist. I don’t think I believe that.

Devs

Put the gun down, I’m not done talking about the 5th dimension yet!

Even the multiverse theory doesn’t support the idea of free will the way that Devs professes. You’re just talking about an infinite number of separate jumbled messes of string. They already exist! Determinism wins again!

Anyway, the show is thought-provoking enough to be worth it. Get past the bad acting and the clunky pacing of the storytelling and you’ve got a good show on your hands. If nothing else, the visualizations and the soundtrack are both pretty. Did I mention Sonoya Mizuno’s really attractive pixie cut? Ooh baby.


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Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #3 – “Chapter Three: Christmas”

* Part 3 of 13 of the Batman: The Long Halloween limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #3 – “Chapter Three: Christmas”! In the previous installment, it’s Thanksgiving Day and Jim Gordon is away from home interrogating Mickey “The Mink” Sullivan, leader of the Irish, about the alleged murder of Harvey Dent. Harvey Dent is alive, though, and goes undercover as Mickey to attempt to get some info out of the Irish. It doesn’t work. In the end, the Irish get killed by the still unknown murderer who killed Johnny “SPAGHETTI” Viti.

A killer is still on the loose, and Carmine “The Roman” Falcone still wants to take out Harvey Dent! Chaos reigns supreme! Halloween continues this Christmas!

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #3 [February, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Three: Christmas”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #3

Oh shit, Joker Time. Sit on his lap, kids! He’s got a present for you! *wink*

Our favorite joker, the Joker, reads a newspaper proclaiming a LOOSE KILLER ON THE LOOSE in everyone’s least favorite city, Gotham. He sings Christmas carols to himself maniacally. Then he shreds the paper up into seven trillion little bits. “I hate that song,” he frowns. He actually frowns. I didn’t know the Joker could frown! Is that canon?

Joke Boy is playing the Grinch; stealing Christmas from a family who are tied up with strands of Christmas lights. He recites lines from the famous song! You know, the Grinch song. Don’t tell me you don’t know the Grinch song! What are ya, Jewish? Yeah, me neither.

It’s Christmas Eve. God didn’t make Christmas Steve. Batman and Jim Gordon pay a visit to Arkham Asylum, knowing that the Joker has escaped yet again and is terrorizing the town. The media is calling the unknown serial killer “Holiday” since he/she struck on Halloween and Thanksgiving. Christmas isn’t looking good for somebody. Probably Superman. That guy has it coming.

Batman thinks that Jim Gordon is blaming him for the influx of asylum-caliber wackaloons in the city. Batman is like “NO”, because Batman is Batman and Batman is here to protect his favorite city. They might as well call it Batman City. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

They visit Julian Day, “The Calendar Man”. They need to ask him a few question, perhaps even commute his sentence if he cooperates. “Our feeling is with your interest in committing crime to coincide with the calendar – you might have some insight?”

“Tomorrow is the big day,” Mr. Calendar Man says. “She’ll be killing again.”

“What makes you think it’s a woman?” Batman snarls.

“Because he likes it. The attention. No one knows who she is and already he has made a name for himself. Or herself.”

We’re getting somewhere already! Logic and coherence, that’s what I enjoy from my mental patients and inmates. Calendar says they’ve been lucky so far with the sparse holidays. February has a bunch. Gordon insists they’ll have the killer caught by then. Then Calendar just keeps rattling off holidays, and Batman is already fed up. It took them 45 minutes to drive here and they’re leaving already? Before dessert???

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #3

Catch my dick in your mouth, sir.

In Maroni’s Italian Restaurant, Salvatore Maroni wants someone planted in Harvey Dent’s office day and night! His conversation partner, Toots, is on it boss. Then he suddenly starts laughing. Cackling. Uncontrollable mirth! “HEEE HO HAA HEE HOO” he says, which doesn’t sound much like laughter to me. Say it out loud, is that how you laugh? Maybe it is how you laugh, nerd. It’s not how I laugh. I laugh like this: “SNOORRRRRRRT”

Toots collapses in his plate of spaghetti, mouth stretched impossibly into a rictus grin.

“Care for some more wine, Mr. Maroni?” asks his white-faced, green-haired waiter. Clown! A fuckin’ clown in Maroni’s restaurant? Undignified! No clown comes into Maroni’s place and fucks up his Toots. Joker brings out a comically large gun and points it at Maroni’s forehead. Then he accuses Maroni of being Holiday. “You’re the number 2 man in this burg. Carmine “The Roman” Falcone is numero uno. Holiday only whacks the Roman’s men, so you’ve got the most to gain–”

Pretty lucid for someone who’s supposed to be cuh-razyyy. Maroni claims that this is about business and Holiday is screwing up business for everyone. Joker grins with about 400 teeth. “Then… who is Holiday?”

Who wants ta know?! Some fuckin’ clown-ass piece of shit? No mas.

Later, a couple of goons drag Toots’ body to the trunk of a car, intending to drop him off in the river for a nice swim heh heh. Heh heh heh. Heee ho haa hee hoo. Batman suddenly lands on the car and gives these goons a nice stare. A really good stare. Such a good stare that their eyes bug out of their heads.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #3

A Clemenz Opening??? Are you some kind of chess idiot??

Maroni comes out in a few minutes looking for his goons. Batman shows up all like “MUH-RONI”. Maroni pulls out his gun, and Batman slaps that bitch right out of Maroni’s hot little hand.

Maroni fesses up to the events of the evening. Joker showed up, we all had a good laugh at Toots’ expense. Especially Toots. “What’s his connection to Holiday?” Batman asks of the Joker. And why the fuck would Maroni know? “He’s a lunatic, like YOU,” Maroni yells, clutching his wrist. “This whole town is full of lunatics ever since you came here.” And Batman has already disappeared. He doesn’t want to hear the truth. Can’t handle the truth, you see.

Speaking of wheelchair-bound wives of District Attorneys, Harvey Dent has a surprise for Gilda. A NEW HOUSE! One that hasn’t been blown up yet! Merry Christmas! Harvey carries her over the threshold. She asks if it’s the right time to try having children again. “We’ll see…” Harvey replies romantically. Gilda wants her husband to do great big cums inside of her. He doesn’t wanna.

Gilda, now out of her wheelchair, shuffles slowly up the stairs to get a look around. Dent hears a sound in the next room and investigates (it’s Joker). “GET OUT!” Harvey screams to the sound in the next room (it’s Joker). Then he (Harvey) starts trying to pummel him (Sinbad). “You’re good, Dent,” Joker smiles. “But, you’re no Batman.”

“The question is…” Joker continues. “what sort of man are you? This town isn’t big enough for two homicidal maniacs. And if I found out that the buzz is true…” Joker points a 15-inch long finger at Dent, “That Harvey Dent is Holiday. I’m not going to be as forgiving as next time.”

Gilda comes back downstairs like “whuzzat” and finds Harvey on the floor alone. She caresses him. The window is wide open.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #3

A bong sounds good about now. I love me some lowkey bong time.

Joker breaks into The Roman’s penthouse, finding him sleeping alone in his king-size bed. “Wakey, wakey.” Joker sticks a playing card in his face. A playing card of the joker variety, as it were. “Falcone. You find this ‘Holiday’. Or I’ll kill everyone in Gotham City until I find him.”

Loud and clear, boss! I’ll just put on my Holiday-Finding Goggles and scour the streets, good sir!

Joker passes through the hallway where he killed two more of Falcone’s goons. Right outside the front door of the penthouse, another Falcone goon shows up with a gun and calls Joker a jerk. Joker throws a pile of playing cards at the goon, stymieing him but good, and runs off.

Then someone shoots and kills the goon on the street. Happy Christmas.

“Milos. The Roman’s personal bodyguard dies on Christmas Day.” Batman picks up a joker playing card. “Holiday has another victim. Have a merry Christmas, Joker. It will be your last.”

Final Thoughts

Batman isn’t joking around, heee ho haa hee hoo. See you next time, suckers.


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Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #11 – “Wake the Dragon”

* Part 5 of 5 of The Last White Event storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #11 – “Wake the Dragon”! In the previous installment, the Gang visits Regina, Saskatchewan where Ex Nihilo flung a bunch of those space pods that are ruining the world. A small group of what I assume are the Canadian Avengers investigate the event site, and then they all get trapped in a biodome and then something bad happens to all of them! Then the American Avengers – the regular Avengers – investigate Regina and something bad happens to all of them too and they don’t want to talk about it.

Apparently, the System is online too. This news is treated like it’s bad.

Bad stuff is happening all around, I guess. This issue ends the storyline, so I’m sure nothing will get wrapped up and I’ll be left with absolutely no answers. Stupid comic books

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #11 [July, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Wake the Dragon”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #11

Based on the cover, we’re cramming the B-Team into the final pages of the story.

“Using recently formed back channels on the U.N. Human Rights Council, the A.I.M. Island nation-state has recently opened bidding on the prototypes of their next generation bioweapons.”

Yeesh, that sounds dull as fucking dirt. Everything about the weapon is a highly guarded secret, except for the name (S7) and where the sale will happen (up your butt). The B-Team Avengers are tasked with flying out to Macau and rubbing elbows with the local snoots.

“Your mission has four primary objectives. One: Secure the weapon by any means necessary. Two: Infiltrate the A.I.M. agents… win their trust. Three: Identify all possible buyers. And four: At all costs, maintain a low profile. The last thing S.H.I.E.L.D. wants is an international incident.”

You forgot the secret fifth primary objective: Go to the local Hard Rock Café and get me one of them collectible guitar pins.

We see a montage of who I think is Shang-Chi in a fancy-ass tux crashing through a round window with a dragon on it. He is followed by a heavily-armored ninja warrior named Chimera with a bunch of other wannabe ninja grunts following suit. He rips off his jacket and shirt, looking hella like Bruce Lee. The ninjas circle him. He’s ready.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #11

Yippee, my custom butt plugs have finally arrived!

Four hours ago, the Avengers are planning to cozy up with the other fancy mofos at an A.I.M. negotiating party led by Dr. Mathias “Who-Cares” Deeds. I don’t know who’s who, and I don’t give a shit, but one of them will engage with Dr. Deeds, two of them will work the other lesser A.I.M. agents, and three of them will scope out the buyers. Any questions?… put your hand down, Shang-Chi. You already went to the bathroom six hours ago!

Natasha “Black Widow” Scarlet Johansson has a problem: this whole plan stinks to high heaven! For one thing, too many moving parts! Everyone everywhere all which way, it’s chaos! “Wouldn’t it be easier if I seduced Deeds, brought him back here, and then pulled his fingernails out one-by-one until he gives us what we want?”

They all stare at her like a swarm of bees just flew out of her vagina. “Because after we get that information,” she continues, “I’ll shoot him in the head, we throw the body in the ocean, and then we drink and behave very badly until morning.”

Someone who I think is Spider-Woman asks Natasha “Lucy” Johansson how torturing a guy into screaming and wailing is going to help them keep a low profile.

“We’ll stick a sock in his mouth,” she responds. I like this woman.

“Then how is he going to tell us what he knows?”

“We’ll take the sock out.”

“Then what about the screaming?”

“Then we stick the sock back–”

Carol “Captain Marvel is better than Captain America” Danvers, exasperated, tells them both to shut their holes so they can all move on with the original plan. Ready? Let’s go to the casino and make a ruckus.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #11

Jeff Goldblum is less than pleased.

Carol Danvers is playin’ some Texas hold’em against Deeds, who is losing miserably. She claims that, possibly, he’s playing the wrong game against the wrong person. He counters this claim by informing the stylish Danvers that she’s the only one pretending to be someone she isn’t. CAPTAIN MARVEL, IN THE FLESH? A FUCKING AVENGER. He’s on to you, lady.

Danvers doesn’t bat an eye. Cool as a cucumber! Deeds, however, is very VERY suspicious of this whole charade. Something’s up.

“I’m asking if you came all this way just to spend an evening with me? Or do I have something you want?”

“Want implies I might not get what I’m after.”

“So you expect me to just give it to you?”

“Well…” she glares at him. “I could always play you for it.”

Very sexy indeed. Shang-Chi, four hours later, after obviously fucking something up and drawing very unwanted attention to himself, battles the ninjas. It’s uninteresting.

Sunspot and Cannonball, meanwhile, are raking it in playing Craps. They are winning so handily that three mafioso-type gentlemen in suits and stupid A.I.M. helmets kindly ask the two to, uh, get the hell out. Sam Cannonball opens his jacket to reveal his swanky Cannonball uniform and asks them to bring it on.

The three mafioso-type gentlemen in suits and stupid A.I.M. helmets are like “no, actually, we want to party with you guys instead” and then they party with them instead. Champagne is uncorked, women in revealing dresses cavort, and everyone has a gay old time.

Black Widow and Spider-Woman scope out the potential buyers, who appear to be five white dudes. They are all from separate organizations, but they share a common goal: watching every episode of Frasier.

Shang-Chi still battles the ninjas. He pulls out some lightning nunchucks and goes to town.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #11

Speaking of bees out the ol’ vagina…

Deeds starts whooping Danvers’ ass, considering he’s wearing special sunglasses that can reveal the turned-down cards. We call this “cheating” where I come from (North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal). Danvers is getting salty. Deeds offers to allow her to ask one question. He’ll answer honestly as long as she answers a question in return.

“I want to know who you are going to sell the S7 to.”

“No one.”

Brrrt! Well, that’s a wrap, ladies and gentlemen!

“I’m not here in Hong Kong to sell, dear… I’m buying.”

Sunspot and Cannonball are enjoying a drunk conversation with the anonymous A.I.M. agents. They know Deeds is buying, but they never know what he’s really up to. They thank the two Avengers for a great time – best time they’ve had in a while, actually! They are offered a job as Avengers double agents! They say yes! Oh boy!

Black Widow ended up flying off the fucking handle and shot dead the five men in the room. They were all guilty of bombings and gassings that killed hundreds of people in the Philippines, Romania, and India. Spider-Woman calls Black Widow’s decision “unnecessary”, which is a very tame word to say the least. Black Widow handily disagrees.

Shang-Chi keeps fighting ninjas. He calls himself the Dragon, which doesn’t detract much from the Bruce Lee comparison.

It’s Deeds’ turn to ask a question:

“How lonely of a job is it? Do you like always being alone?”

“Actually,” Danvers responds, “I’ve made quite a few acquaintances over the years – I have a little black book.”

“Really?”

“Uh-huh. Full of names. Mostly men… a few women.”

“Really?”

“Yep. It’s a list of everyone I’m going to beat the hell out of first chance I get. And now you’re number one, pal. With a bullet.”

Fucking GROAN, Carol Danvers. Not at all badass.

So that’s that! The Avengers pack up and board their jet. Nothing was learned, people died, drinks were drunk.

Shang-Chi is already waiting in the jet. He absolutely learned something, you guys. “I found out exactly why they were here. And what they were buying. An army of assassins. It seems our friends at A.I.M. are gearing up for a war.”

Final Thoughts

This had nothing to do with any White Events whatsoever! I’m pissed!

It’s going to be a while before I return to this run since the next storyline is involved in the epic Infinity event. Until then, keep watching the skies!


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Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #2 – “Chapter Two: Thanksgiving”

* Part 2 of 13 of the Batman: The Long Halloween limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #2 – “Chapter Two: Thanksgiving”! In the previous installment, a whole slew of shit happens to set up the story. The fighting crime families, Falcone and Maroni, need to launder their money through the Gotham Bank and the Bank’s newest president, Bruce Wayne, ain’t letting it happen. In fact, Batman and Harvey Dent tracked down the warehouse where Falcone’s dirty money is being stored and they light it on fire! Just sets the whole thing ablaze! Fucking hilarious!

Meanwhile, there’s someone out there killing people. Namely Johnny Viti, the dimwitted Falcone nephew, and his own mother is the prime suspect.

Also, Batman and Catwoman fight and fuck a little bit.

Someone sends Harvey Dent a bomb. It blows up right in his One-Face.

This is gonna be one looooong Halloween, my friends.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #2 [January, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Two: Thanksgiving”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #2

Thanksgiving turkey with skellingtons! Eek!

Batman is shrouded in darkness. He uses his best Christian Bale-type voice. “HARVEY DENT IS DEAD.”

They got some weasel named Mickey in Jim Gordon’s office. They know he killed the Harvey Dent man, but they’ve got bigger fish to fry, so spill. “We want you to know who hired you to do the job, Mickey,” Jim Gordon says, eyes narrowed. “If you help us – maybe we’ll help you.”

Mickey “The Mink” Sullivan. He runs “The Irish”, a group of ragtag miscreants who like to do Hard Crimes. They’re all holed up in a jail cell right now, jerking each other off.

It’s Thanksgiving, and Gordon whines to Mickey about how he wants to eat turkey instead of talking to his punk-ass. Mickey rats out Carmine Falcone without really ratting him out, you see. Real slick stuff.

Batman throws a nail on the table, one that was used in Mickey’s homemade bomb. Its serial number was traced back to a hardware store two blocks from Mickey’s apartment. And they have the receipt. Mickey looks kind of scared now. “Oh shit” is what he’s thinking. “Someone filled my pants with diarrhea,” he thinks.

Mickey launches into a monologue about Harvey Dent having had it coming. If it wasn’t Mickey, it was going to be someone else anyway. We see a montage of Batman bursting into Mickey’s place and Mickey running away through the sewers. Dumb stuff, since sewers are Batman’s playground. He loves to roll around in the shit, as they say.

But in the sewer is another assailant who keeps talking about “Solomon Grundy born on a Monday”. He punches the kid’s lights out before Batman shows up. “I have no quarrel with you,” he rasps. “I only came for the man who disturbed your privacy.” He looks at the lump on the ground. “That man.”

They fight. This raving dude keeps rhyming about Grundy and Monday. I’m guessing he is Solomon Grundy. I’m guessing he was born on a Monday.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #2

Keep on rhymin’, Queen. YAAAS.

“Mickey talks about how Grundy would have hurt me… if… if I wasn’t forced to hurt him first…”

It looks like Batman breaks his nose, which sends Grundy into a downward sprial of sad rhyming. Batman leaves through a sewer grate and watches Grundy slink back into the darkness.

Back to Mickey’s confession, he still insists that Dent ain’t no saint. I mean, let’s face it. Who killed Johnny Viti, huh? Sounds like a Dent job to me, fam.

Batman just stares within a shadow kinda like in a “good point” kinda way.

“We’re done with you, Mickey. Get out of here.” Jim Gordon thinks about all that turkey he’ll never get to eat. Mickey leaves, and Gordon asks Batman if he thinks there was any weight to what he was saying about Dent. Batman tells him that it sounds like an impossible notion and fuck you for entertaining it, Jim Gordon! I will slap my dick across your face, sir! “We’ve only begun to learn the truth,” Batman adds.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #2

Jonathan Taylor Thomas?

“Why would Mickey confess and not implicate the Roman?” Gordon asks. Because he’s a ‘fraidy cat, that’s why, Mr. Mustache.

Speaking of Carmine Falcone, he’s in his penthouse makin’ a’spaghetti! He tells his smartypants son Alberto that they have a lot to be thankful for, but Carla disagrees! Her son is dead, idiot!

Don’t worry yourself, little lady. Harvey Dent has been murdered and justice has been served on a platter with pasta and a’meatballs! So let’s sit down to a nice Thanksgiving dinner and stuff a cork in it!

“This wasn’t business, Carmine,” Carla continues forcefully. “Johnny was my only son. My baby.” Hey Carla, let’s stop living in the past! You’re being such a Karen about it. WHY DON’T YOU ASK TO SEE CARMINE’S MANAGER? That’ll show him.

In the holding cell, Mickey meets up with his fellow Irish. He asks his team if they know what to do next. They know what to do next. Stickin’ together is what pals do while committing crimes! Everyone has a good laugh. Especially me! HA HA HA HA HA!!

One by one, the men of the Irish get interrogated. Jimmy Slick drove the getaway car. Dapper Kevin delivered the package to Dent’s wife. Willie Two Times followed Dent home. Donny Boy detonated the bomb with a switch. They all swear that’s what really happened! They swears it on they mudder’s graves!

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #2

Harvey Dent has more than one face?! You don’t say!

Batman knows that Carmine is paying these guys a pretty mean sum to keep their lies straight and clean and orderly. It’s really fucking shit up for him, honestly. It might take another 10 issues to sort this mess out! Batman has no choice but to bring Mickey “The Mouse” Sullivan back up for more questioning. And boy howdy, this will be a doozy!

They bring fake Mickey back up to wonder if the rest of the Irish suspected anything. And the answer is “absolutely not”. Dent is a master of disguise! Good job, men. That’s another notch for your collective belts.

So, as you can see, the next order of business is projecting that the police cut a deal with the Irish and see how Carmine reacts to that bit of news.

“We can still charge them,” Gordon says. “They confessed to attempted murder. They blew up your house… put Gilda in the hospital for God’s sake.”

“They’ll make bail in an hour,” Dent points out. “Bribe the judge. And we’ll still have nothing.”

“Charge them, Harvey.” Gordon puts on his meanest scowl. “Or I’ll find someone else in the D.A.’s office who will.”

FINE, SIR. ON THE DOUBLE, BOSS. Batman leaves and mentions later that the Irish made bail in less than an hour. “The Dents spent Thanksgiving together and Gotham City Memorial. Gordon went home late.”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #2

Yum, yum. Rat turd turkey.

“As I finished my patrol past the Astoria Towers Hotel, I couldn’t help but wonder with The Roman’s grip getting tighter on the city… will there be anything to be thankful for in the coming year?”

In the hotel, big-eared Real Mickey raises a Thanksgiving toast to The Roman! Here, here! Let’s dig in to some delicious corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, and stew with vinegar and, like, a cake shaped into a shamrock.

A man with a silenced pistol enters the hotel room…

Everyone is shocked… SHOCKED… to see who it is…

PING PANG BOOM BANG POW WOW HONK HONK. Everyone goes down.

No more Irish.

Final Thoughts

Bam. Short, sweet, and to the point! It’s a good thing I wasn’t heavily invested in Mickey “The Rock” Sullivan as a character, tragically gunned down too soon by Harvey Dent… uh, I mean… Wednesday Addams. Yeah.


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