Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #11 – “Wake the Dragon”! In the previous installment, the Gang visits Regina, Saskatchewan where Ex Nihilo flung a bunch of those space pods that are ruining the world. A small group of what I assume are the Canadian Avengers investigate the event site, and then they all get trapped in a biodome and then something bad happens to all of them! Then the American Avengers – the regular Avengers – investigate Regina and something bad happens to all of them too and they don’t want to talk about it.
Apparently, the System is online too. This news is treated like it’s bad.
Bad stuff is happening all around, I guess. This issue ends the storyline, so I’m sure nothing will get wrapped up and I’ll be left with absolutely no answers. Stupid comic books
Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #11 [July, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Wake the Dragon”
Based on the cover, we’re cramming the B-Team into the final pages of the story.
“Using recently formed back channels on the U.N. Human Rights Council, the A.I.M. Island nation-state has recently opened bidding on the prototypes of their next generation bioweapons.”
Yeesh, that sounds dull as fucking dirt. Everything about the weapon is a highly guarded secret, except for the name (S7) and where the sale will happen (up your butt). The B-Team Avengers are tasked with flying out to Macau and rubbing elbows with the local snoots.
“Your mission has four primary objectives. One: Secure the weapon by any means necessary. Two: Infiltrate the A.I.M. agents… win their trust. Three: Identify all possible buyers. And four: At all costs, maintain a low profile. The last thing S.H.I.E.L.D. wants is an international incident.”
You forgot the secret fifth primary objective: Go to the local Hard Rock Café and get me one of them collectible guitar pins.
We see a montage of who I think is Shang-Chi in a fancy-ass tux crashing through a round window with a dragon on it. He is followed by a heavily-armored ninja warrior named Chimera with a bunch of other wannabe ninja grunts following suit. He rips off his jacket and shirt, looking hella like Bruce Lee. The ninjas circle him. He’s ready.
Yippee, my custom butt plugs have finally arrived!
Four hours ago, the Avengers are planning to cozy up with the other fancy mofos at an A.I.M. negotiating party led by Dr. Mathias “Who-Cares” Deeds. I don’t know who’s who, and I don’t give a shit, but one of them will engage with Dr. Deeds, two of them will work the other lesser A.I.M. agents, and three of them will scope out the buyers. Any questions?… put your hand down, Shang-Chi. You already went to the bathroom six hours ago!
Natasha “Black Widow” Scarlet Johansson has a problem: this whole plan stinks to high heaven! For one thing, too many moving parts! Everyone everywhere all which way, it’s chaos! “Wouldn’t it be easier if I seduced Deeds, brought him back here, and then pulled his fingernails out one-by-one until he gives us what we want?”
They all stare at her like a swarm of bees just flew out of her vagina. “Because after we get that information,” she continues, “I’ll shoot him in the head, we throw the body in the ocean, and then we drink and behave very badly until morning.”
Someone who I think is Spider-Woman asks Natasha “Lucy” Johansson how torturing a guy into screaming and wailing is going to help them keep a low profile.
“We’ll stick a sock in his mouth,” she responds. I like this woman.
“Then how is he going to tell us what he knows?”
“We’ll take the sock out.”
“Then what about the screaming?”
“Then we stick the sock back–”
Carol “Captain Marvel is better than Captain America” Danvers, exasperated, tells them both to shut their holes so they can all move on with the original plan. Ready? Let’s go to the casino and make a ruckus.
Jeff Goldblum is less than pleased.
Carol Danvers is playin’ some Texas hold’em against Deeds, who is losing miserably. She claims that, possibly, he’s playing the wrong game against the wrong person. He counters this claim by informing the stylish Danvers that she’s the only one pretending to be someone she isn’t. CAPTAIN MARVEL, IN THE FLESH? A FUCKING AVENGER. He’s on to you, lady.
Danvers doesn’t bat an eye. Cool as a cucumber! Deeds, however, is very VERY suspicious of this whole charade. Something’s up.
“I’m asking if you came all this way just to spend an evening with me? Or do I have something you want?”
“Want implies I might not get what I’m after.”
“So you expect me to just give it to you?”
“Well…” she glares at him. “I could always play you for it.”
Very sexy indeed. Shang-Chi, four hours later, after obviously fucking something up and drawing very unwanted attention to himself, battles the ninjas. It’s uninteresting.
Sunspot and Cannonball, meanwhile, are raking it in playing Craps. They are winning so handily that three mafioso-type gentlemen in suits and stupid A.I.M. helmets kindly ask the two to, uh, get the hell out. Sam Cannonball opens his jacket to reveal his swanky Cannonball uniform and asks them to bring it on.
The three mafioso-type gentlemen in suits and stupid A.I.M. helmets are like “no, actually, we want to party with you guys instead” and then they party with them instead. Champagne is uncorked, women in revealing dresses cavort, and everyone has a gay old time.
Black Widow and Spider-Woman scope out the potential buyers, who appear to be five white dudes. They are all from separate organizations, but they share a common goal: watching every episode of Frasier.
Shang-Chi still battles the ninjas. He pulls out some lightning nunchucks and goes to town.
Speaking of bees out the ol’ vagina…
Deeds starts whooping Danvers’ ass, considering he’s wearing special sunglasses that can reveal the turned-down cards. We call this “cheating” where I come from (North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal). Danvers is getting salty. Deeds offers to allow her to ask one question. He’ll answer honestly as long as she answers a question in return.
“I want to know who you are going to sell the S7 to.”
“No one.”
Brrrt! Well, that’s a wrap, ladies and gentlemen!
“I’m not here in Hong Kong to sell, dear… I’m buying.”
Sunspot and Cannonball are enjoying a drunk conversation with the anonymous A.I.M. agents. They know Deeds is buying, but they never know what he’s really up to. They thank the two Avengers for a great time – best time they’ve had in a while, actually! They are offered a job as Avengers double agents! They say yes! Oh boy!
Black Widow ended up flying off the fucking handle and shot dead the five men in the room. They were all guilty of bombings and gassings that killed hundreds of people in the Philippines, Romania, and India. Spider-Woman calls Black Widow’s decision “unnecessary”, which is a very tame word to say the least. Black Widow handily disagrees.
Shang-Chi keeps fighting ninjas. He calls himself the Dragon, which doesn’t detract much from the Bruce Lee comparison.
It’s Deeds’ turn to ask a question:
“How lonely of a job is it? Do you like always being alone?”
“Actually,” Danvers responds, “I’ve made quite a few acquaintances over the years – I have a little black book.”
“Really?”
“Uh-huh. Full of names. Mostly men… a few women.”
“Really?”
“Yep. It’s a list of everyone I’m going to beat the hell out of first chance I get. And now you’re number one, pal. With a bullet.”
Fucking GROAN, Carol Danvers. Not at all badass.
So that’s that! The Avengers pack up and board their jet. Nothing was learned, people died, drinks were drunk.
Shang-Chi is already waiting in the jet. He absolutely learned something, you guys. “I found out exactly why they were here. And what they were buying. An army of assassins. It seems our friends at A.I.M. are gearing up for a war.”
Final Thoughts
This had nothing to do with any White Events whatsoever! I’m pissed!
It’s going to be a while before I return to this run since the next storyline is involved in the epic Infinity event. Until then, keep watching the skies!
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