Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1 – “Chapter One: Crime”

* Part 1 of 13 of the Batman: The Long Halloween limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1 – “Chapter One: Crime”!

I’ve been putting this one off for only one reason: thirteen issues is a lot to get through. I may break this up into a few chunks depending on how much momentum I find myself chugging along with. But, I’m looking forward to this! It’s supposed to be one of the best Batman stories of all time. And, unlike ”one of the best Superman stories of all time”, I expect this one to be actually good.

No more preamble! There’s a long-ass Halloween to experience.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1 [December, 1996]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter One: Crime”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1

“I believe in Gotham City,” says a rather dapper, intimidating man. “I only came here tonight out of respect for my parents, who… knew your family…”

This rather, intimidating man is none other than Bruce Wayne! You may know him! The party is lavish, a veritable who’s-who of distinguished guests and snobby up-turned noses. Carmine “The Roman” Falcone throws a wedding for his nephew even though he tried to kill him recently. Hypocrisy at its finest! The mafia is funny that way sometimes.

Carmine Falcone would like Bruce’s assistance in bringing business to Gotham. Bruce isn’t going to work with scum. Putrid little scum. Falcone kisses a rose. “That’s disappointing,” he says, then shoots Bruce Wayne dead with a gun. The end.

“Life is made up of little disappointments, Mr. Falcone,” Bruce lectures. “It’s what makes what we do so… challenging.” And he walks the fuck out of the room.

Falcone’s right-hand man, Milos, suggests… er… “encourages” Bruce to make the right decision. Falcone disapproves, although his blessing would be nice…

Bruce eavesdrops outside the door like somebody’s bratty sister. Alberto Falcone, the Oxford graduate of the family and the “good son”, asks if Bruce needs any help. He eyeballs Bruce like he’s a nasty, food poisoning-inducing shrimp cocktail.

Returning to the party, decides it’s time start dancing with some of the more well-dressed broads of the evening. He catches Selina “Catwoman” Kyle’s eye and they do some freak dancing on the floor! Writhing and squirming and playing hella Twister without a mat.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1

Alice Cooper, you lookin’ fine, sir!

Johnny Viti, the groom, looks like a big bowl cut dumb guy. His mom calls him over to inquire about the handsome dancing dude, and Johnny knows who he is. Why, that’s Wayne Bruce! Or something to that effect. “Ya want I should make him say hello or something, Momma?” the big galoot asks. Momma looks intrigued, to say the least. Perhaps a bit of a girl boner has been popped?

Alberto talks to Carmine about wanting to get involved to help him out, but Carmine grabs his cheeks endearingly and tells him to butt out. He should be chasing after pretty girls and having a wedding of his own! Not getting involved in illegitimate business and/or Bruce Wayne’s affairs! Silly old boy!

Milos interrupts the father/son bonding. Harvey Dent has been spotted on the parking garage security camera. He’s busy scribbling license plate numbers on a pad, lamenting his evening away from home with a cool bottle of Duff beer and a fan blowing on his sweaty, sweat brow.

It looks like someone cracks him in the head with a bat, bitching about his meddling. The assailant even threatens his wife! Next thing he knows, he’s coming to and seeing Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle helping him up. “I hope I didn’t spoil your evening,” Bruce says without irony. Do these two dudes like each other? I’m not up to speed on my Harvey Dent.

Dent tells them to bugger off. Bruce is suspicious of Harvey’s intentions. Then they kiss each other goodnight.

“Friend of yours?” Selina asks later.

“I’ve… contributed to his campaign for District Attorney. I believe in Harvey Dent.”

“In this city, that’s saying something.”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1

Sorry Selina, but boy do you bore the shit out of me.

When Selina asks if he’s got plans for the rest of the evening, Bruce makes a big point to make a fake yawn and proclaim his exhaustion. Turning in the for the evening sounds like a capital idea! Heh heh. “Your loss,” she says, leaving and looking for some other poor sap to bone.

Meanwhile, Police Captain Jim “Gary Oldman” Gordon is spending another long night in the office apologizing to his wife for his raging workaholicism. Dent bursts into his office and asks for a drink. He looks like he’s been sat on by seven elephants. Gordon tut-tuts at Dent for sneaking around the parking garage at a mafia wedding like a doofus.

Man, that Falcone family! How are we ever gonna bring them down! They’re tough and they got guns, man! GUNS!

Good thing Gordon knows a guy. A real batlike individual. Rugged as he is nimble. It will truly be a sight to behold, this batlike guy thwarting the biggest crime family in Gotham City! Too bad it’ll take 13 issues!

Back at the wedding, both Selina and Bruce had noticed an unattended safe in the building. Selina, as Catwoman, attempts to pilfer its contents. Bruce, as Batman, is onto her. And these two are so stupid that they don’t know and can’t tell each other’s identities. This isn’t the first time they’re meeting up in this penthouse, and it surely won’t be the last either. Especially with all the sex that’s going to happen!

“My business here this evening does not involve you,” Batman rasps.

“Funny…” Catwoman hisses. “I don’t believe you.”

They fight a little bit before a group of men enter the room and start shooting around. “Take them down!” one says. They do not get taken down. The masked ones escape while the unmasked ones are rendered neutral.

“In my own home. Where my children sleep. On my nephew’s wedding day!” The scary face of Carmine Falcone emerges from the gunsmoke. Three horrible incompetent muscleheads, including Milos, are lying supine on the floor. Milos’ only explanation is that Batman, and indeed Catwoman, were on the premises.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1

Oh shit! A guy in tights? A woman in leather? And you didn’t videotape their sexual indulgences???

Entering the room is the cackling Salvatore “The Boss” Maroni, who is Carmine’s chief rival for the control of Gotham City. You could slice bread with his widow’s peak.

“Milos, get Mr. Maroni a drink.” Carmine Falcone grits his teeth. “The rest of you, spread the word. One million dollars for either of them. The bat or the cat.”

Batman and Catwoman, meanwhile, have taken their fight outside. She taunts and hoots and hollers while he all but yells “stop it, waahh, nooooo” at her japes.

“Catwoman, what were you doing at Falcone’s?”

“Nope. That would be telling. And the last thing I would want to do… is make it easy for you.”

She slips away right in front of him. Foiled again! And then, without even a moment’s break, that danged Bat-signal illuminates the night sky. Stupid Gordon. Get a cellphone.

Dent is waiting up on the roof with Gordon. They discuss their similarly shitty marriages. “Suppose we wait here all night and he doesn’t show up?” Dent hazards impatiently. And, of course, just like he was waiting under the eaves for 45 minutes waiting for his cue, Batman shows up all like “you rang?”

Batman surmises correctly, because he’s fucking Bruce Wayne and he was a the fucking party, that Harvey Dent has been working on the Roman case. Carmine “The Roman” Falcone, in case you, the reading audience, are having a hard time following my 3rd-grade-reading-level blog.

“I’ve got files full of ‘unsolved’ robberies – hijackings – murders with his name all over them,” Dent frowns. “His money will buy the witnesses. The cops. The judges. In what way is the Roman not above the law?” Sounds like he is to me. Lots of rich people are above the law, right? I would mention a certain ex-president, but he’s not actually rich. lmao

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1

A threeway is in the mix tonight, gentlemen. *wink*

“I want to be clear on this,” says Gordon. “In our… zeal… to bring Falcone to justice. I’ll let you bend the rules, but we cannot break them. Otherwise, how are we different from him?”

“Of course,” responds Dent with a big ol’ puss on his face.

Batman just stares and frowns. After being pressed, he finally agrees (but he won’t actually make good on it, obviously, because he’s an asshole).

And suddenly, like a poof, the hero is gone.

“You know, there was a time… when I suspected you were Batman,” Gordon says to Dent.

“Sorry. I’m quite happy with who I am,” responds Dent with an air of somebody who hates himself.

They find a copy of the Roman’s ledger on the roof out of nowhere. Batman must have left it behind. It has all sorts of dates and dollars and numbers on it. Someone smarter could figure out this ancient cipher! As it stands, though, we’ll get back to it another time.

Later, Bruce Wayne is at his monthly Board meeting of the Gotham City Bank. He’s livid as a rattlesnake in heat, I tell you whut. “Everyone in this room knows where the Falcone family comes from! Gambling, rackateering, drugs! For us to even consider doing business with them–”

Yeah yeah yeah yeah. The guy arguing with Bruce, curly blond pinstripe suit Richard Daniel, says that he’s making some wild accusations about the family! How dare you! His monocle is falling in his wine glass as we speak and breathe! Why, the family deals with importing/exporting of Italian shoes and nothing more!

Some other guy agrees with Richard. Business is business, and they could use Falcone’s business. Bruce insists that the Falcones just want to launder their dirty money. He walks away STEADFAST in his resolve!

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1

BORING! Where are the funnies??

Later, at Richard Daniel’s lavish mansion, a particularly dark-cowled individual breaks into the property and warns the guy to keep Falcone’s money out of the bank. Next thing you know, the papers show Richard Daniel resigning and Bruce Wayne stepping in to head the Gotham City Bank. AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS, WOULDN’T YOU SAY?!

In August, one month later, Falcone is livid that no bank in town will take his money ever since Richard Daniel resigned. He and Maroni “The Boss” Springsteen are collaborating on the problem. The other crime families, those in Chicago and New York, they’re looking at Falcone sideways. Something seems fishy in their eyes and it’s not their lovely fish casserole banquets! I can assure you.

Alberto Falcone chimes in to say that there might be a way, but he gets cut off immediately. Here’s an idea: get Johnny back from his goddamn two-month honeymoon! Falcone needs that kid NOW!

In September, a rather happy-looking Richard Daniel is taking his lovely lady for a night on the town. They muse about spending their autumn in Paris when Johnny Viti guns that fucker down right in front of everyone.

Meanwhile, to lighten the mood, Jim Gordon is angrily scrubbing dishes in his house. Perhaps now that the dog days of summer are over, the family can go on vacation and–

RING RING! Phone’s for you, Mustache. Mafia crime in the city. Call Harvey Dent ASAP. No vacation for you.

Harvey Dent’s wife takes the call. Richard Daniel has been murdered in cold blood.

Someone guns down Johnny while he’s in the tub.

“Two shots to the head,” Dent says, making a weird bucktoothed grimace. “You ask me, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.”

“District Attorney Dent!” Gordon points a fat, sweaty finger at the man. “I don’t want to hear that kind of talk coming from you – either publically or privately.”

Batman is there too. They go over the hard facts: a .22 caliber handgun was left at the scene. It was missing a serial number, it had no prints, and it was a gun disguised as a flower disguised as a gun. Who has the CAHONES to whack Johnny Viti?? Perhaps Maroni? Perhaps JOHNNY VITI! No, wait, he’s dead. Um…

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1

I would’ve left this sausage party too ASAP.

After wondering if Carla Viti would whack off her own son, Batman leaves to follow this flimsy lead. Elsewhere, Catwoman is on the roof wondering where Batman is going AT THIS HOUR? It’s the hour of the wolf, and I don’t want to die! And furthermore, w–

“I was wondering where you’ve been,” Batman says to Catwoman, sizing her up.

“In case you haven’t heard, Falcone has a million-dollar bounty on my head.”

“Mine, too.”

“Yes, well, I’m not you.”

Sounds like a fun dick-measuring contest, but we need to get down to brass tacks here! Batman knew that Catwoman would be skulking around spying on the lot of them. Why? What does she want? “I don’t want to help,” she says. “But, I might be able to be helpful.”

She gets all up in his face, purring and hacking up hairballs. Then she… whispers… sweet nothings… into his ear holes…

It’s now Halloween night. Batman and Dent are quietly manuevering through what looks like a warehouse following Catwoman’s lead. “Follow the money. That’s how Catwoman began. Seems Falcone hasn’t been able to launder his money for a while now. He’s been forced to STOCKPILE it.” And lo’, there are neat building-sized stacks of money all over the place. Millions upon millions upon millions of dollars. Billions, even! Perhaps trillions. It seems like too much money. It’s an ungodly amount of money. It looks fake. This fake-ass money is just comic book money. Ain’t real. Case closed.

Let’s light it on fire now.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #1

Dirty money burns more quickly!

“Somewhere in the city, The Roman isn’t laughing anymore.”

We end with Harvey Dent returning to his house, smiling at all the children outside trick-or-treating. His wife smiles at him. He smiles back. It’s been a good day. Oh, there’s a package in the mail? Sounds good, honey. Let’s just open it!

His house blows up.

Final Thoughts

Is there where he becomes Mr. Two-Face? Ol’ Two Faces? Double Trouble, Face-Style? Oh boy! Good stuff so far, let’s keep this train moving or else my name isn’t Falcone Maroni. Or something to that effect.


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Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #9 – “Star Bound”

* Part 3 of 5 of The Last White Event storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #9 – “Star Bound”! In the previous installment, there was one kid left after the college got destroyed and his name is Kevin Connor. He is the Starband, and he has the ability to destroy planets! But now’s not the time for that cockamamie malarkey. The Superflow of the Universe has crashed and now communications are down and now the machine is broken which means the universe is broken and now Kevin and Nightmask have a lot of work ahead of them. It’s supremely dumb and I’m hoping this will resolve itself into something not dumb.

Oh yeah, Nightmask drags Kevin to Mars, his birthplanet, where Ex Nihilo is still hanging out. Daddy dearest is going to help out his sonny boy with his broken universe problem. He’s going to pawn his gold face in order to afford a better Superflow of the Universe.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #9 [June, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Star Bound”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #9

You can’t see the cover very well, but rest assured that Kevin Connor’s eyes look like they’re rolled back in his head in bored, smug ecstacy. Impervious to Hyperion’s lasers, Hulk’s fists, and Thor’s hammer?! This pipsqueak can’t even make it to the bathroom in time before pooping his nerd pants.

“Hello, Father… we need your help.” Nightmask is glowing with radiant energy. Ex Nihilo is like pffft, kids. Run away from home and then come back begging when they need something. Typical. Abyss tells Ex Nihilo to hold his horses. Maybe this is a different case! Maybe Nightmask didn’t actually total the car or fail his algebra test.

Ex Nihilo does notice something different about his son. He and this douchebag over here *points to Kevin Connor* have changed. Abyss wonders what it is and does a quick scan of Kevin’s torso with her wispy, black, smoky tendrils. He tells her to bug off. She tells him that fighting it will make things harder for him. He then yells “GET AWAY” and cuts her in half with a huge energy blast.

All she can do is snarl. Kevin freaks out and apologizes. As she magically mends, Nightmask speaks his gobbeldygook Builders language and insists that Abyss mess with him first if she’s going to mess with anyone. And make it snappy.

So she does. With her wispy, black, smoky tendrils, she senses the following: a genetically perfect, but modified, human being with an incompletely downloaded secondary Builder system. Cool. What else, grandma? Oh, and the conflict isn’t with him or Kevin, it’s… Earth. Earth is the conflict.

She turns to her brother Ex Nihilo, who admits that he fucked around Earth when he got bored. So what? Big whoop.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #9

I started using my left hand! It’s like someone else it doin’ it!

So, usually, these gardener gods will terminate a world if it was flawed, and encouraged evolution if a world has potential. With Earth, however, for fun, he’s attempting to make the planet sentient. Self-aware. Self-sustaining. Self-repairing. Able to reproduce! Able to communicate! Able to evolve! Able to self-defend! Able to pee with the toilet seat down! And all this because Ex Nihilo wants to play dice with the universe! Hella Yahtzee!

Nightmask asks Ex Nihilo if he can stop the process. Ex Nihilo responds that it’s impossible to stop life without ending it completely. Plus, he and Abyss aren’t allowed on Earth anymore. Restraining order.

“So what are we supposed to do now?” Kevin asks, scratching his head and making a 40 IQ face.

“Behave, and you and Adam can stay here as long as you like,” responds Abyss.

Ex Nihilo thinks that’s dull as dirt! Return to Earth! Revel in the fun! Maybe something cool will happen!

Speaking of something cool happening, we return to Avengers Tower where nothing cool ever happens. Steve Rogers is putting on his Captain America costume which, hopefully, he washed this time. Captain Marvel reports that they’re attempting to track Nightmask and Kevin and, hopefully, Ex Nihilo and Abyss didn’t get involved. “Maybe we just let them be?” she says. Cap tells her that a college was destroyed, and since Cap himself has never set foot within 14 miles of a college, he feels like it’s his responsibility to avenge his inability to get an education and NOT let them be. Off to Mars they go!

Tony Stark tells him to cool his overly flatulent jets. “Signal just disappeared from Mars and popped up local. Earth’s atmo”.

In the Quarantined Zone.

Croatia.

Where I hear it’s lovely this time of year.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #9

I’ll show you a sack, you little shit.

Night Adam Mask is 47 days old. That’s like 500 in Builder years, maybe. I’m making that up, of course. On a beach in Croatia, the duo hear a very loud buzzing sound. Kinda like when a phone is on vibrate only a lot less phone-like. The beach is full of these weird bug pods that are starting to expel giant worms from their husks. They all start converging to one spot, swarming all over each other.

“What are they doing?” asks Kevin. “It’s worm sex, isn’t it?”

Nightmask answers in the negative. They’re creating a consciousness. As individuals, they are simple organisms. Together, they are attempting to create one complex organism.

While they watch the worms fucking, the Avengers jet rolls on in. At an impossibly fast pace, the worms are forming an enormous brain. They watch as Nightmask attempts to communicate with it. It doesn’t work very well, since the brain-like entity reaches out with not-wispy, not-black, not-smoky tendrils and latches onto Nightmask’s arm to suck him in. “MRRFFF!” he says! Kevin attempts to pull him back, but of course he gets fucking mad when he can’t accomplish it and blows up the brain-thing. And, again, he’s all like “oh no oh no I’m sorry I’m sorry” like that’s going to make it all better.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #9

Wasn’t the world already broken, though? You can’t break it twice! Lighten up!

Captain America, on the dead Earth, tells Kevin that he’s out of control. Young man. And he has to get a spanking. Kevin apologizes, says he doesn’t know what’s going on and he’s not meaning to be a Bad Boy. Honest, mister! Nightmask corroborates this very unlikely story. All he needs is time to get adjusted, that’s all. Who’s the widdle out-of-control pistol. Is it you? Is it you? Goochie goochie goo.

Nightmask turns to Captain Universe, who pretty much tells him that he has to die for all this to get fixed. After a hearty refusal to die or do anything close to dying, Captain America is left with no choice to but to BRING THEM BOTH DOWN. AVENGERS! ASSEMBLE!

*skirmish*

While that happens, let me transcribe the narration!

“It was the spark that started the fire – a legend that grew in the telling. It happened after the light. Before the war. And before the fall. They were the high days of the great idea – an Avengers World. A time of life, before a season of death. They were titans and gods and mortals doing immortal acts… They had been summoned, and did not pause to answer. They were perfect… they were heroes. And we… we were broken. Not called… but made. Errors in the system anomalies. Planet killers and world breakers. Final options. Last resorts. Things it was not time for…”

After getting his butt blasted to smithereens, Kevin cries uncle. He put up quite a fight even though he was holding back, because, deep down, he doesn’t really want to hurt anyone. If you can believe it! “I never asked for this power. I don’t want it.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, save it for the judge, dipstick.

“We’re going to try to help you,” says Iron Man. “We will help you, because that’s what we do.” But for now, Kevin is too dangerous to run around all fancy-free. “Because we have the world to think about. And today, it’s safer with you not in it.”

Final Thoughts

Ouch, man. The truth hurts like a poison dart to the dick. I don’t like this kid very much, even less than I like Captain America, so if the Avengers can throw this kid down a well then I’m all for it.


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East of West, Issue #34 – “Lessons at the Knee”

* Part 5 of 16 of the The Apocalypse: Year Three storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #34 – “Lessons at the Knee”! In the previous installment, the Endless Nation hangs back from infiltrating the Union as a siege of the White Tower by a rebel group ends badly for Madame LeVay, who gets captured and burned at the stake. Spoiler alert!

Doma Lux gets rescued by her Widowmaker lover.

That’s about it! More to come.

East of West, Issue #34 [August, 2017]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Lessons at the Knee”

East of West, Issue #34

“Silence…“

“You have a choice,” says a bloody, nude, positively fucking jacked Xiaolian. This might be a flashback to when assassins hired by Chamberlain tried to kill her in her pool. “Die here on your feet, or die running.”

The assassins would rather die running. Xiaolian orders her own men to follow. “I want them taken alive,” she says. A robot thing presents to her a hologram of the pursuit. Like watching the OJ Simpson white Bronco chase in real time! They appear to be retreating to a container in the harbor.

“Damn,” Xiaolian responds. “I want the First Widow recalled from the Crucible. Immediately.”

Whatever that means! Since Archibald set up this little assassination attempt, maybe Xiaolian had something going on behind the scenes for the last 12 issues?

“And then thunder.”

In the present, First Dragon (who I assume is, like, Xiaolian’s Chief of Staff) reports to her that all the families of those who were killed by the assassins have been relocated to a remote village and provided with stipends and housing. They will be protected from future ghastlies and ghoulies. “They died for me, First Dragon,” Xiaolian says. “See that they are provided with all that they are due.”

Send in the supply drops of Salisbury steak TV dinners!

East of West, Issue #34

Crabs are an annoying problem, huh?

Meanwhile, Xiaolian looks upon the rows and rows of tents that are set up inside and outside of her palace grounds. Refugees from all over. Endless Nation, the Republic of Texas. Even those afraid of the Prophet, they’re all coming to the People’s Republic to escape the TYRANNIES and OPPRESSIONS. “Our doctors and engineers have done good work keeping disease and waste from choking the city. For now, we keep them fed, but soon, Empress… you will have hard choices to make.”

Yeah, right, like switching to the spaghetti and meatballs TV dinners? Give me a break.

Xiaolian has much, much empathy for these refugees. Empty the stores, grow more crops, do what you can. Feed these fuckers. The First Dragon hangs his head, like “okkkaaaaayyyy….” and walks away. Then Xiaolian pulls out that locket that Death gave her, the one where she can speak into it but she’ll never know if he’ll actually hear it or not. That one. “My love… I would give anything to hear your voice. If you have found our son, kiss him for me… Keep him safe, and far from here.”

Oh, Death is keeping him safe all right. They’re having the best of times. Skipping stones in the lake. Literally. It’s adorable.

Let’s cut to Japan, apparently, where Doma Lux’s Widowmaker lover is talking to a gibbering businessman. He insists she has the wrong guy. She insists he is full of beans and can help her anyway. You see, she is willing to not kill him to death in exchange for something she wants! It’s left very vague so far.

He wants to cut a deal, this craggy, wrinkly-faced old businessman. “We buy and sell information,” he sweats. “Excellent,” she responds. “For it is information that I wish to acquire. Shall we talk terms?”

She whips out a sword and threatens him with it. The office is littered with diembodied heads. “I am the First Widow of the House of Mao… and I’m in the business of collecting the heads of men who lie.”

East of West, Issue #34

Okay! Okay! I stole the cookie from the cookie jar! It was meeeee!!! WAAAHHHH!!!

Back at the Mouse of Hao, with the information known, First Widow returns with several boxes of heads. This is the part where she and Archibald have their conversation. And when he asks the “what are you going to do about it” question, she hangs up and has confidence that she can end this coming war before it begins. And Death can safely take their son home. Joy!

At the Black Towers, Archibald has successfully dragged Bel Solomon’s tired old ass back from the desert by his handcuffed wrists. Archibald talks a lot! I’m not going to repeat what he says to Solomon because it’s well over 500,000 words. Basically, Archibald’s father used to whip him with a switch until he either cried or bled. He would make Archibald choose the switch, which he would spend much time deliberating upon. Eventually, his father admitted that the beating wasn’t the point of the punishment. The point was to choose a switch instead of running from the punishment.

Anyway, Bel’s gonna get his little rump beaten ruddy.

“Death would have been better than what’s coming,” the Ghost of Cheveyo says to Bel with a look of sinister urgency. “Better by far.”

East of West, Issue #34

Moral of the story? Don’t get donked.

Archibald tells Bel to pick a switch, but then there are footsteps approaching. It’s Constance, who is Constancely interrupting! Then there are the sounds of “DONK!”s hitting the floor. One after another, severed heads are tossed in Archibald’s direction from an unknown thrower.

“You tried to kill Mao,” says the unknown assailant. “Know this, old man: Running will never be an option here. Time to pick a blade.”

Archibald doesn’t like his own bastardized words thrown back at him. With a mighty “Hrmpt!”, he requests the assailant to show herself and tell him her name before he kills her with, uh… mean looks. There are other similarly-helmeted assassins. Roughly four others.

“I am the First Widow of the Crucible,” says the First Widow of the Crucible! “The knife of Xiaolian… would you like to know what I do with heads of men who lie?”

Face fuck them? Barring that, uhm… is decapitation tangentially involved here?”

Guns start going off, and Archibald deftly avoids each bullet. Next, he whips out his own gun and fires some well-aimed rounds. Each one pierces the visor of each assassin, killing them dead as shit.

Archibald celebrates his triumph… until he hears the pathetic mewing of his niece on the floor. “Uncle… it… it hurts,” she whimpers as he looks down in shock.

Later, Xiaolian’s weird robot-armor dude has a message from the President of the Confederacy.

East of West, Issue #34

It’s a blimp with “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” on the marquee!

Then the bombs drop… and Xiaolian runs as fast as she can to safety. “ALERT THE GUARD! RAISE THE SHIELDS! DO IT! DO IT NOW!”

Not fast enough. The bombs hit the Imperial Palace, leaving it in tatters and ruins! “Their strikes were surgical, Premier. They wanted us defanged. To that end, the Imperial Palace was actually their secondary target. The real objective was the garrisons of the Dragons and Widowmakers.”

Well shut my mouth. Also, the Confederacy attacked the Crucible and the Testing Grounds. Fatalities and damages are insurmountable. “Your army is broken and all that remains here is a city overrun with commoners and refugees.”

Xiaolian kisses her locket and address the few remaining people on her palace grounds. Rallies them up! MAGA! “Many of you came to me with nothing. Nationless, and cast out. A people without a land. A people without a home. But I welcomed you. I took you in. I gave you a home. And for as long as you live, this home will be yours. I swear it. But you must also swear something to me…”

Yadda yadda yadda, will they carry on the legacy of the House of Mao when she’s gone? Will they swear loyalty? Will they fight for her? And it’s a resounding “yes”. Happiness all around. Break out the Kid Cuisines.

“They call me mother,” she thinks. “But that is my second name. My first, is the Bride of Death. So fucking be it.”

“THEN IT IS WAR! AND LET THE BLACK FLAGS FLY!”

Final Thoughts

I still really think Archibald has done fucked the fuck up here. It’s building up to a complete failure on his end, I’m sure of it.

As sure as sure can be.

…

Who am I kidding? I can’t guess what’s going to happen next at all in this comic. Kudos to Mr. Hickman! That kid has a bright future ahead of him!


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Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Book II: Shadows and Secrets storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Doctor Aphra tortures some information out of a Naboo mortician who embalmed and buried Queen Amidala’s body. Namely, that she was pregnant. Pregnancy confirmed. Verily.

This information is useful to Vader for some reason even though he already knew she was pregnant before she died. I watched a movie about it! Vader tasks Aphra about setting up a meeting with the Ante to get more info about the Death Star Ruiner.

And while Vader isn’t worried about Thanoth, he doesn’t know that a tiny little tracking device is just sitting there on his own helmet. All blinking red and beeping. lol

Star Wars!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #11 [December, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 5)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #11

THE SPIRE. ANTHAN PRIME. Storms are a-brewin’. When Aphra asks Ante if he’s worried about having a base in this tumultuous location, Ante tells her that the tourism is worth it. All sorts of gawkers come on by to look at shit and it funds his business. Just don’t fly into a storm like an idiot and everything will be tip-top.

Aphra tells BT-1 and O-O-O to hang back. She won’t be needing those two nerds while she discusses matters of import with Ante the weird Scream-mask creature.

Meanwhile, Darth Vader is doing what he does best: silently staring out a window on his ship. Thanoth needs the strike force marshalled. Darth Vader motions toward his seven trillion Stormtroopers and tells him to open his fucking eyes once in a while. “I thought you the great inspector, Thanoth,” he chides JOVIALLY with a cute little chuckle.

Using his vast array of helpful resources (20-sided dice), Thanoth was able to locate Ante in an area of ANTHAN PRIME called THE SPIRE. Vader stares at him silently, likely making contorted “oh fuck” faces beneath his stinky helmet. And it is stinky; the dude eats so many Filet-O-Fish sandwiches that he would give Trump a run for his money (or what little money he has left lol lol lol). “This is… good, Thanoth,” Vader finally says with what I can imagine to be a quiver in his raspy, asthma-riddled voice.

Now they just need to find him before he destroys all his records! Chop chop! “This will lead us straight to the larcenists! And who knows what else?” Thanoth says with pride. Vader is pooping his bald egg pants, assuredly.

Aphra and Ante enjoy a nice chat beside a fireplace. Aphra asks for the whereabouts about a young man named Luke Skywalker. Perhaps you’ve heard of him? He pulled his pud while blowing up a Death Star? “I know who he is and why people would be looking for him,” Ante says.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #11

I do believe this screen with the random squiggly nonsense speaks for itself.

Of course, Ante’s information comes at a cost. In the form of money. To him. Aphra gets out her bag of stolen credits. “Keep the change, eh?” she says while Ante drools over it. “You bring this much here? With nothing but a pair of droids for protection? You are trusting,” he says. This girl’s gonna get fucking whacked, man. I lightsaber right up the ol’ snatch.

After exchanging some heartfelt pleasantries, Ante gives up the goods. “He’s on Vrogas Vas.” That sounds like one of those tubes in the penis. Luke has no standards.

Right after the exchange, an alarm goes off. “IMPERIAL RAIDERS APPROACHING! ALERT! ALERT!” Elsewhere, O-O-O is gambling and loses at gambling and then he’s about the kill the guy when the Imperial Raiders finish approaching. Stormtroopers blast through a wall. “Resist and die,” Vader says, bringing up the rear with Thanoth. Then BT-1 pulls out a blaster gun and blasts a dude, and now a bunch of blasting is happening in all directions! Panels upon panels, pages upon pages of blasting!

Vader finds Ante holed up in his chambers. “I’m not in the mood for resistance, criminal,” he says while doing the Jedi hand thing. Ante begs for Vader to let him help. The records have been destroyed, yes, and sorry, BUT his noggin *taps noggin* is full of very useful information such as how to sew a button… and where the Plasma Devils have their secret base. Thanteen Substrata on Anthan One! Ha! And there’s more juicy info where that came from, ol’ sir.

Thanoth says he’s looking for the guy who stole all the credits. Ante rats Aphra out forthwith, who is involved in the fray. “She was here for a business meeting. Private, of course,” Ante says. Thanoth skips and jumps for joy.

Vader just kind of stands there… then he uses his Dark Side powers to launch concussive blaster force right through Ante’s chest. Thanoth takes this in stride. “Unlucky stray shot. He could have told us so much more.” Anyway, after the lass!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #11

I will do everything in power to… whoops, she’s gone!

Aphra runs down a corridor getting chased by Stormtroopers. She slips under a descending metal door and shoots the keypad useless. “Triple-Zero? I’m incoming. Get the engines running.”

She bumps into Vader, who’s blocking the exit with his back turned. “Hi Boss,” Aphra says rather cheerfully. “This is tight, but I can get away. We have–”

“Do not struggle.” Vader pulls out his scary, mean, red lightsaber and Forces Aphra’s neck. She’s dying as all get-out… “I know… where the boy is,” she croaks. Vader drops her immediately. “Tell me,” he orders.

“I will… LATER.” Pffft.

Vader is caught between a rock and a hard place here, and promises that she’ll pay for this little stunt. He Forces a bunch of rocks to fall as Aphra boards her ship. Thanoth and the Stormtroopers come running. “She had prepared a trap,” Vader says matter-of-factly to the big dumbass inspector. “Ah traps,” Thanoth says, hanging his head. “Always good to set a trap.”

Aphra ends up flying through the storms of Anthan Prime in exactly the same manner that Ante warned her about. DOES SHE MAKE IT THROUGH? DOES SHE MAKE IT THROUGH?

“You see, Lord Vader. I plotted our blockade most carefully. There is no escape. Sooner or later, we’ll have her in our hands…”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #11

Get over it, dude. She’ll never go out with you.

Final Thoughts

I love panels like above where Vader looks so fucking despondent. Like, maybe the illustrator intended more of a badass, intimidating vibe, but Vader always looks like he’s watching someone curb stomp his dog.

The thrilling conclusion of the story is next! Will Aphra and Vader escape this whole nonsense unharmed? Will Thanoth be thrown in a woodchipper? Let’s hope for both and then we can go get some ice cream.


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All-Star Superman, Issue #12 – “Superman in Excelsis”

* Part 12 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #12 – “Superman in Excelsis”! This one wraps up the very uneven limited series. And with a word like “excelsis” in the title, you can be assured that I’m going to hate this issue! In the previous installment, something about a Tyrant Sun showing up to take over Earth’s sun, but then Superman has a sun-eater that kills it. Or something.

It was really goddamned stupid.

I’m tired of this series. I didn’t like it much. Let’s just get it over with.

All-Star Superman, Issue #12 [October, 2008]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Superman in Excelsis”

All-Star Superman, Issue #12

So it’s going to be a battle between Superman and SuperLex, is it now? Who’s going to win? The bald one or the dumb one? (they’re both dumb)

“Why did you bring me all the way from the Science Plaza during a corequake?” Kal-El asks Jor-El. Jor-El gets a two-person spaceship ready. He’ll explain on the way.

It’s because science is for nerds! Oh wait, that’s not the explanation.

Father, you know Kal-El has been very busy at the neo-consciousness labs! This better be good! Neo-consciousness can wait, this is very important stuff. Top shelf crucial shit here.

“I’m dead, Kal-El. I died when the world of Krypton tore itself apart in a cataclysmic explosion. Myself, your mother, our people… are all gone.”

SNORE! Tell me something I don’t know, guy. Kal-El is confused. They’re on Krypton right now! Are you hallucinating again? Do you have the syphilis, Father? Do we need to call Dr. Lex-Or?

“You’ve come among the dead, my son. Don’t you understand…? …you too are dead.”

Died while fighting the Tyrant Sun due to prior yellow sun radiation exposure. Remember, dingus? And now, being the last link to Krypton, everything is all gone. All memories, all art, their proud history. In a puff of smoke. Way to go.

“But your machines stabilized Krypton’s core,” Kal-El insists. “Jor-El of El, my Father, if I’m dead… what place is this?”

All-Star Superman, Issue #12

In other words: shut up.

Jor-El spews some technobabble about the continuation of consciousness and the persistence of individual awareness. “The choice here is simple,” Jor-El says out of nowhere. “To remain at play within the field of living, fluid consciousness. Or to turn and face down evil one last time.”

SOUNDS VERY THRILLING JESUS CHRIST I’M SO THRILLED. What’s going on with Lex Luthor? He’s floating outside the ruined office of the Daily Planet building. Sneering. Man, is he ever sneering. If sneers could kill, this sneer would level Hiroshima. “You’re the ones who sent me to the electric chair! Me, the future savior of the Earth. And the Daily Planet thought I’d be better off dead? So why don’t we let the planet decide who lives, who dies in these next harrowing few minutes.

*sneer*

All-Star Superman, Issue #12

Do I have something in my teeth?

Perry White, full of piss and vinegar and gumption, points his fatass finger at Luthor and tells him that the truth, with a capital-fucking-T, sent him to the chair! And Lex Luthor doesn’t like this pushback one bit. His eyes and teeth start glowing. He argues that the truth isn’t tangible and therefore doesn’t exist, which is not a very smart argument.

Luthor detects the unmistakable frequencies of a Superman-hailing ultrasonic watch. Turn it off now, Jimmy Olsen. He’s not going to come rescue nobody! As for you, Lois, Lex Luthor wants a personal blowjob assistant. Do you think that Jimmy is available? *wink*

Kal-El doesn’t believe he’s dead. It makes as much sense as a bucket of scorpions in a brothel! If Kal-El is dead, then Superman is dead, and that just sucks for the “great people” of Earth. Jor-El says that his work as Superman is done anyway. “You’ve given them an ideal to aspire to. Embodied their highest aspirations. They will race, and stumble, and fall, and crawl… and curse… and finally… they will join you in the sun, Kal-El.”

Sounds very optimistic! Here’s some more optimism: “All that is impure will be burned to ash. And all that is strong and great and true will survive… and be reborn.”

Back in the Daily Planet — and I keep forgetting this guy’s name, but he’s trying to perform CPR on a passed-out Clark Kent. Lex tells him to stop wasting his time on Clark “Pussy Repellant” Kent. Lois and Jimmy point out to Luthor that – this is not something we the audience can see at all – the sun is now blue and the Tyrant Sun double-crossed him and poisoned the sun which is now blue, apparently. Lois calls Lex an idiot, which hurts his poor feelings. He blows out a gale of air that sends Lois flying backwards. All the while, the definition drawn into Perry White’s butt is something to behold.

All-Star Superman, Issue #12

Winners in fights always go “NGGH!”.

Luthor flips Jimmy onto his back and challenges anyone else to stand up to his supreme brain jenius powerful self. Clark Kent regains consciousness and is like “umm, yes, uh, sir, I’d like to stand up to you… heh heh, uh… please.”

“I… ah… think maybe you should stop threatening my friends. And everyone else for that matter. Don’t you think you’re maybe just a little too unstable for the kind of power you’re packing?”

Lex takes this courage for an attempt to impress the lady. Clark Kent is holding a gravity gun for some reason and shoots it at Lex, sending him flying into a billboard. I think we, the reading audience, are supposed to cheer. I’m groaning, let me tell you.

Chalk this one up to Superman “disguised” as Clark Kent! Hahaha, what a twist! Jimmy hands him a Superman costume “because they always keep a spare”, and Superman suits up. “LEAVE LUTHOR TO ME,” he booms. Then there’s fighting on the street that lasts for a while. Not particularly interesting stuff. I’m a-gonna skip it.

All-Star Superman, Issue #12

You call that impressive? I suspected Luthor’s involvement since the plasmatic plutonium sensor ray transmogrified interdimensional nanorelics into carbo-nucleic razzamatazz Gorbo Pods! Dummy.

The gravity gun, you see, causes Lex Luthor to work over 50 times harder just to stay floating in the air. Eventually, his efforts are fruitless and he crashes down into the concrete, through the concrete, then through a fucking subway train. I’m guessing a thousand people die, but we don’t get to hear about that! We just see Luthor punch Superman in the face.

Superman, writhing on the floor like a constipated cactus, gets dragged by the cape by Lex Luthor and his Jumbo Powers to the subway station. “Stand aside!” Luthor says to the people of Earth. “Don’t be alarmed! This is only the phase transition to a new way of life without Superman!”

The SWAT team, guns trained, are not standing aside. And they are alarmed.

“Lay down your weapons, surrender and everything will be fine. Everything’s going to be fine now that Luthor has the mandate.” And get the president on the horn! Time to overthrow the government January 6th-style! And furthermore, h– oh no!

The Daily Planet posse has shown up, strutting through the subway station like their shit doesn’t stink and/or plop down their legs on a daily basis. They are led by that one woman who showed up in a positron cannon. She’s all like “This is Science Year Zero! And we’re putting these traitors on trial!”

All-Star Superman, Issue #12

Well, you can tell by the way that I use my walk I’m a woman’s man. No time to talk.

Superman sucks and doesn’t make sense. Batman at least makes sense. Batman fucks. Alfred fucks harder.

This woman and Lex exchange pleasantries. She says he looks weird. He says she looks weird. Oh wait, is this his niece or something? Nasthalthia? She calls him “Lexie” and that’s my only clue.

Lex starts talking about how he can taste color and see gravitational forces and other mushroom-addled nonsense. He even tears up, it’s so beautiful! “This is how he sees all the time, every day,” he sobs. Is this issue over yet?

“Uncle Lex! You’re literally embarrassing me beyond all therapy with this behavior!” Nathalthaithaia gripes. Superman mansplains Lex’s thought process, It amounts to the following: his powers ran out. It’s just like that 24-hour power piss!

Superman socks Lex in the face. Lex recoils bloodily. “No! No! You’re supposed to be dead! I had it timed!” Oh wah wah wah waaahhh. Lex reaches into his inner coat pocket to pull out another vial of piss, but Superman has it in his hand.

“I COULD HAVE SAVED THE WORLD IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU!” Lex cries.

Superman punches him in the face again.

All-Star Superman, Issue #12

This is a bald hate crime!

“You could have saved the world years ago if it mattered to you, Luthor,” he says to the unconscious sack of shit on the floor. Lois runs up to her stinky Super Boyfriend, who’s pocked with white spots, by the way. See, he’s falling apart now and he only has moments to convert the blue sun (which we still haven’t seen) to a nice, yellow sun before he dies.

I predict the blue fucking sun will cure him.

Lois and Superman tongue-wrestle in front of everyone. She has tears streaming down her face. He looks like lukewarm garbage. They profess their love for one another, and Superman fucks off into the sky.

Aha, the sun actually is blue! They weren’t just making that shit up. Superman plunges right into the thing at 2.99×108 meters per second, turning it yellow somehow. Plot hole again. So many plot holes. It’s like the swiss cheese of comic book series.

We’re on another day, one year later. Lois Lane sits on a park bench, staring at a Superman statue. Jimmy Olsen cozies up next to her in his jetpack (?) and asks her if she’ll be speaking at Superman’s memorial service. Lois insists that Superman ain’t dead. He’s just sleeping! And he’ll know where to find Lois once he’s done building an artificial heart for the sun to keep it alive (?).

EPILOGUE TIME! Mr. Quintum is in his weird moon lab talking about how happy Lex must be, even in death row, to live in a world without Superman! I can hear him laughing from here! HA HA HA HA!

“But what if Superman never returns?” asks Quintum’s assistant. “What then, Mister Quintum?”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about that day, Agatha.”

He looks at a doorway emblazoned with a Superman shield that says “2” instead of an “S”.

“P.R.O.J.E.C.T 2” is my guess.

Whatever.

Final Thoughts

Final thoughts? You want my final thoughts? I think Superman sucks. I think all his bullshit little holier-than-thou morals suck. I think all his villains suck. I think Lois Lane sucks. And I think Metropolis and its entire population sucks.

I’m done with Superman for a while. If anyone is reading this shit, recommend me something worthwhile, goddamnit. Something comparable to Superman: Birthright, which actually was pretty good because it wasn’t up its own ass! ASS! That’s right, ASS!

Bleh.


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