Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #8 – “Starbranded”

* Part 2 of 5 of The Last White Event storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #8 – “Starbranded”! In the previous installment, the LAST WHITE EVENT happens because “the machine is broken” which means “the universe is broken” and a college campus got “starbranded” which means it got “blown up” killing every student and professor there… except one. The Avengers find some nerd among the rubble and he might just be the key to unbreaking the world.

He looks like a bowlcut sack of coathangers, though. I can’t imagine him being helpful unless they throw him in some furnace in order to power the broken machine’s engines. I’d laugh, but this is MARVEL COMICS and nobody even says a swear word worse than “ass” here, let alone murders a college student to power a machine. This shit really is for children.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #8 [May, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Starbranded”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #8

“Oh man,” says the kid. The little nerd. He looks at his hand, and there’s a giant smoldering brand on his palm shaped like a star. Perhaps he has been “starbranded” so now he’s the fixer of the universe or some other asinine shit. The kid is literally naked and he looks like Bradford Cox on the cover of his Logos album. Look it up.

Captain America extends a hand and grins wryly like an overly buff Pixar character. “It’s okay. Help’s here now. Are you hurt?”

The kid – with Donald Trump hair – wonders what the ungodly stupid fuck is going on and why he’s naked within smoking rubble and talking to Captain America. Captain Marvel tells him they’ve all assembled to bring him pants, which I laughed at. Good lol, ma’am.

The kid is named Kevin Connor, and Iron Man does a quick background check to make sure he hasn’t manufactured nuclear weapons in his home or cheated on his calculus test or anything else of the sort. “Kid’s clean, Steve,” Iron Man says while making kissy faces. “Good grades. No disciplinary actions. No legal trouble of any kind.” Well thank God, because he was caught shoplifting when he was 11 years old then they would have to pull out their giant Avengers guns and shoot him point blank in the neck.

Captain America bends down to the nude kid and tells him they’re going to take him in and run some tests. Kevin quivers with anxiety about getting probed in the butt until he discovers that he’s sitting on top of a whole bunch of skeletons.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #8

I mean, death is subjective, son. What is “dead” anyway other than an idea, man? …but yeah, they’re dead.

Kevin Connor is freaking out! Skeletons! Creepy icky skeletons! Who did this?! Who made this little oops?!

“You did,” responds the Universe Lady. “My children made systems. You are a flawed product of those systems. You were designed to be a weapon, Kevin Connor. That weapon became active and 3,203 people died.” Hey! That’s like a 9/11 and some change. Good going, Kevin. Terrorist.

Kevin has a conniption fit. Captain America continues to be calm against all odds, tells him that they’re going to help him even if he doesn’t DESERVE any help, and they’re going to figure out exactly what had happened. All that happy horseshit, la la la. Kevin says “NO!” and starts lighting up like a mass of plutonium under a criticality event. Iron Man, magically knowing the blast radius, advises his team to get back. Hulk shoves that fucker out of the way and runs toward the kid against Cap’s wishes. “RARRRRRRR!” he yells, leaping at the nude dude. Instinctively, the kid lifts up his hands and points his palm in Hulk’s direction. He blasts Hulk into orbit, which was my second lol of the day.

“Captain Marvel?” says Captain America.

“Yeah?”

“Please go retrieve our Hulk. Good chance we’re gonna need him.”

Aye aye, sir. Meanwhile, they’re going to call the military and tell them to not meet them up here after all. Time for six superheroes to take care of it themselves for some reason. Kevin continues to blither and blather and cover his genitals. Hyperion tells Kevin to shut the fuck up and lie down on the ground. “What if I don’t want to?” he argues petulantly. Then Thor throws his hammer at him, sending him flying two miles into rocks, effectively NOT killing this 80-pound kid immediately. Thor tells Kevin to shut the fuck up and lie down on the ground. Kevin responds, “I barely felt that.”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #8

Yeah, the little virgin is sexually frustrated and his hump pillow was lost in the blast.

Well, now this kid has become a nuisance and the Avengers all flex their powers and abilities to take him down by any and all means necessary. Hulk is almost to the moon when Captain Marvel rescues him.

“I don’t know what this is. I don’t know what’s happened to me…” Kevin says, sparkling. “But I do know one thing. I’m not going to le–”

Hulk returns to Earth all meched out, somehow, and plows into the kid at escape velocity. You know… escape velocity but in the other direction. There’s an enormous “BA-BOOM” and a new crater is left in the dirt. Then Hulk holds onto the dork’s skinny arms while Thor readies to crack this kid in the skull at 1,000,000 mph.

“STOP!” yells Universe Lady. Captain America agrees with the “STOP!” sentiment. “Nightmask, can you help?” He looks at Nightmask, who might be able to help. “Do you know how to stop this?” he asks, wondering of Nightmask knows how to stop this.

“Yes,” he responds a little too fucking late. Like, you could’ve stopped it already, right? Bitch.

He explains to the now docile college student that a White Event happened and he’ll show him exactly what that means. Then a bunch of concentric circles show up in the air and Kevin is wisked away to the middle of what looks like a vast ocean.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #8

Being the Starbrand comes with no dignity, I see. Nice butt.

Nightmask goes on to explain the brand on Kevin’s palm. “A weapon designed to protect a people as they progress through a change period, becoming a more advanced society. It’s a defense system of planetary scale. It is what you have become. You are a Starbrand.”

A small swirl and suddenly Kevin gets some nice red superhero threads. With a starbrand on the chest. There’s more yada yada about the universe being broken, then Kevin turns around and sees the Superflow of the Universe from Issue #7 all crashed and torn up in the water. “It is a dying network created by the Builders. It is broken.”

It used to be a communication station, a delivery system for “producing avatars such as ourselves.”

Kevin asks he’s just Kevin with the ability to blow up planets now. Nightmask says no, probably to dissuade him from actually trying to blow up planets. Just a hunch. Kevin asks Nightmask if they can stay here in the empty, shitty ocean instead of going back to the pit of college skulls, but Nightmask says no! Moving forward is the only answer! How dare you even consider against moving forward. There’s no reverse on time’s arrow!

Nightmask continues to yammer about the Builders’ older systems and how they’re in conflict with the new, broken system. They’re not supposed to be used at the same time, so there’s a problem that needs to be fixed. Now that Kevin and Nightmask are a couple of cool superhuman buddies that can transcend time and space, they can use the fancy concentric circles to travel from one place to another. And they do just that.

Later, at Avengers Tower, Captain Universe Lady turns back into Tamara Devoux and has no recollection of any of the issue’s events thus far. Captain America says that she’s pretty fucked for now and they need to move onto other more pressing issues.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #8

They went to Denny’s for a very affordable Grand Slam breakfast.

Tony Stark is tasked with finding Nightmask and his loser sidekick, but he’s always 45 steps ahead of Cap! He conveniently tagged Nightmask with a Reed Richards-brand universal tracker that can track him across universes, so to speak! He’s on Mars, of all places! Let’s go gettim.

Nightmask aka Adam aka the Builder Jerk took Kevin to Mars because that’s where Nightmask was born. Where he was supposed to be better than humans until the White Event happened. Now he’s a shell of a husk of a slug of a man. “I was repurposed from an older system to a new one, and now those systems are in conflict.”

So that means Nightmask has to go to daddy. Ex Nihilo. Who is sitting in some weird dirt throne next to Abyss, in a dirt throne of her own making.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #8

Nice teeth, sir. Who’s your dentist?

Final Thoughts

I can’t believe how quickly this douche was going to resist the friendly Avengers. On the other hand, if Captain America were to bend down and offer me help I would waste his ass too. Fuckin’ patriotic piece of shit.


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All-Star Superman, Issue #11 – “Red Sun Day”

* Part 11 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #11 – “Red Sun Day”! In the previous installment, we get an out-of-sequence story about how Dr. Quintum proposes an idea to get Kandorians out of their bottle city (failure), how a group of tiny Kandorians attempt to destroy the sun-addled blood cells of Superman’s bloodstream (failure), and how Superman records his last will and testament (catastrophic failure).

Lois is gifted with breaking the story of the millennium: “SUPERMAN DEAD”.

Will SUPERMAN DEAD? I sure hope so, goddamnit. That jerk has it coming. Such a “nice guy”. Pfft.

All-Star Superman, Issue #11 [July, 2008]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Red Sun Day”

All-Star Superman, Issue #11

OH NO! Clark Kent just found out that SUPERMAN DEAD! Why is he always the last to know?!

We begin with Lex Luthor tied up to the electric chair, lmao. “Typical. Superman didn’t even bother to show,” he says, as if Superman were the governor about to let him off the hook. An officer readies the lever.

“Ask yourself how it feels to murder the genius who might have cured your sister’s cancer with a cellphone and a safety pin,” he says, rather undignified if I do say so myself. Just take your lumps like a man. The officer pulls down the lever and Luthor sizzles like bacon until he slumps forward! Dead!

LUTHOR DEAD!

“…kkk…ha! Kkh! Oh… you morons… you knuckle-dragging neanderthals.” Luthor lifts his stupid bald noggin’ and smiles toothfully. He had just drunk a superpower serum right before the electrification! Plot hole! His eyes turn red. Time to fuck some bitches up, methinks. Illegally! “Give my regards to your sister,” he says, shooting eye-fire into the officer’s face, skeletonizing him and not in a cheerful Halloween way. The other officer tries to shoot, but Luthor can stop the bullets with the palm of his hot little hand. “GGT” he says for some reason!

One bullet bounces right off his shiny white teeth. “What did I tell you, boys? EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT NOW!” And he storms out of the fiery room.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Superman is shooting a hose of piss into a large… cage… thing? Something about not having his little sun-eater pet anymore. I don’t care. I hate Superman.

Superman’s super companion, Robot 7, notices that Superman is not standing too easily. Must be all that sun shit coursing through his veins these days. “Cellular breakdown’s happening faster and faster now. The end’s near. And I have to stay alive long enough to complete my final tasks for humanity.”

Jerking off doesn’t count, sailor.

He needs Robot 7’s help though.

All-Star Superman, Issue #11

No way, Superman. I’m going to eat them one at a time.

Superman also has Zibarro’s poetry that he’d like laminated, please. For posterity and whatnot.

Our caped crusader reflects on his life. Many adventures. Visited many planets. Had great friends. Even Batman, that gruff little scamp. And Lois, too, I guess.

What’s going on in one of Lex Luthor’s luxurious and lavish lairs? A young woman dressed like a Hot Topic goth lounges in a chair; presumably his niece? She calls him “Uncle Lexie” which I hope isn’t extremely sexual. She mentions her own world domination plans, which I’m sure Uncle Lexie would ruin before she even had a chance to say “boo”.

Nasthalthia. I think I remember her. Wasn’t she in some earlier issue? “How’s your mom?” Luthor asks. She’s mad at him, that’s how she is! “When can I get all superpowered up?” asks Nasthalthalithallithia. Luthor all but says “No. That’s when.”

Luthor finishes up and presents a very heavy-looking un-ergonomically designed suit. Like Iron Man if he had 900-pound arms. “Genius, simple as that,” Luthor says unironically. He intends to fight a half-dead Superman in this suit, which is a story ripe for Issue #12! I’m glad Luthor is paying attention to the pacing of this series!

And to make it even easier to kick Superman’s ass, Lex Luthor calls in his Tyrant Sun buddy (?) to turn the skies red. You know, the color of less superpowers?

All-Star Superman, Issue #11

no

Superman, in his own Fortress of Eating Pizza and Watching Wrestling, can feel the effects of Red Sun Day already and starts sweating. Bolstering himself up, he readies himself to leave the base and face the world… then a slew of his Robots appear “YOU CANNOT STAND ALONE,” one says in adorable robotic block letters. “I WILL REMAIN TO GUARD THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE,” says another. “THE REST OF US WILL FIGHT BY YOUR SIDE,” says yet another. Superman chokes up like these Robots are at all sentient and not programmed to die for our hero.

Superman leads his convoy of Robots to fight the Tyrant Sun. He can still fly, which stymies that giant weird eyeball. “Impossble!” it cries, somehow, without a mouth. “Why not powerless in my red rays?”

It’s ‘cause your shit’s weak, “Tyrant Sun”. Superman’s new white solarsuit is just what the doctor ordered! Protection is 9/10ths of the Protection Law, where the other 1/10th is also protection! Suck it.

Tyrant Sun is Irate Sun now, and declares that he will assuredly “kill their sun”. And him. And his Robots, for that matter. Everyone will die.

So Superman fights the Tyrant Sun, who aims to replace the real sun with itself. Superman grapples it like a koala on a eucalyptus tree. “YOUR PEOPLE WILL BOW!” it says. “+PRAY TO ME!” it continues, plus sign and all. “OR DIE IN DARKNESS!” it concludes. Superman warns his Robots that the Tyrant Sun will wipe their files, but their loyalty knows no bounds! Continue to fight for Superman’s honor! Huzzah!

All-Star Superman, Issue #11

What the shit is going on now? Jesus Christ.

Things get really dumb when some space squid shows up. Apparently it’s, and I quote, “the natural enemy of the Tyrant Sun” and that it will “eat the sun” and it’s a “sun-eater”. So that’s convenient as fucking goddamn shit. Horrible comic book. The Tyrant Sun, while getting eaten, says “1010101011”, which is binary for “All-Star Superman is a crock of poop and only dumb people like it, and you can take that to the bank.”

Superman then punches the Tyrant Sun in the eye and it explodes while going “UUQQUUIIII!”, which is literally nothing. Threat eliminated and we can all crack open a couple of cold, refreshing cans of Hormel chili. WITH the beans.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane, sharing a cab, notice that the sky ain’t red no more. These two need to get to Stryker’s Island right away to interview Lex Luthor while he goes on a murderous, undiscriminating rampage. The cabbie can’t move any faster; there’s a parade up ahead of some sort. And then another thing happens that I don’t understand one bit. Jimmy says something about a power-hungry evil star reformed as part of an intersolar computer network and then a woman shows up in a positron cannon. It’s stupid. Everything is stupid. Moving on.

The Tyrant Star had crashed into the sides of a couple of buildings. Superman yells for everyone to take cover while he talks sense into it. “By the 24th century, I’m told, you’ll have been rehabilitated to work with humanity instead of against them. Rehabilitation begins here, Solaris.”

Uh huh. Yeah. “I’m told”. Another nice plot device, Grant Morrison, you bald Scottish dingus.

Superman punches the Tyrant Star’s eye again and a mushroom cloud erupts from ground zero, Nagasaki-style. Everyone dies… everyone except no one. The star is dead, though. Superman takes off solarsuit and, presumably, starts running around naked.

All-Star Superman, Issue #11

So yeah, there’s this hostile chick out of nowhere for some reason that seems inconsequential to the story. Because it is. Is the issue over yet?

Suddenly, in the Daily Planet office, Clark Kent starts a’runnin’ all like “whuh huh did I miss sumthin’?” Then he collapses, probably because just like Superman his cells are going haywire from sun exposure! Oh dear! The only cure for sun exposure is moon exposure, I always say!

Anyway, Clark seems dead. And now Lex Luthor shows up all floating in the air menacingly. He blows a giant hole in the side of the office building. “Clark is the least of your worries,” he tells them while all floating in the air menacingly.

Final Thoughts

One more issue left, thank Christ. I’m tired of Superman. I wanna read Batman instead, that guy fucks and also he’s rich as shit. Superman has a journalist’s salary. What a cuck.


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East of West, Issue #32 – “The Man Makes a Move”

* Part 3 of 16 of the The Apocalypse: Year Three storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #32 – “The Man Makes a Move”! In the previous installment, we follow a group of Union rebels as they carry out a plan to fly a ship straight into the White Tower. It ends on a cliffhanger, but I believe it is successful. And I believe it was orchestrated by Archibald HIMSELF!

That’s really it.

East of West, Issue #32 [March, 2017]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Man Makes a Move”

East of West, Issue #32

Flashback. The adult Horsemen approach what looks like a defiant young woman shrouded in a white sheet. The Oracle. War slams down hard on her and rips out both her dang eyeballs! Gross! Yuck! Alluring!

“Look here, Chosen,” War says to Cheveyo, Bel Solomon, and Archibald. “The eyes of the Oracle. One for answers – to learn things hidden. One for questions – though the asking brings death.”

Cheveyo is currently holding a knife up to a Hunter’s throat. Looks like we have a lucky man, here. “Bring me the answering eye, Bel,” he says while the Hunter gasps and moans and poops his Hunter pants. Then Cheveyo gouges out Hunter’s eye and tells him to be quiet! Stop screaming and yelling and writhing in agony, you horse’s ass! In plops the answering eye.

“What of the other eye?” asks Bel. Perhaps they could bring it as a gift to one of the other leader motherfuckers of their country. Freeman or Mao or that other lady with the thing. “Well, until you gentlemen figure it out,” Archibald says, slamming shut the box containing the questioning eye. “Maybe I could hold onto it for you.”

“Just because you don’t see the strings. Doesn’t mean you’re not a puppet.”

As previously reported, the White Tower just got ‘sploded by a rogue team of rebels. “Let this be a lesson, dear…” Archibald says as he watches the action on his whiz-band LCD television. “This is what comes from subjugation.”

He sucks on his fat dick-looking cigar.

Constance enters the room and tells her uncle that she knows he takes great pleasure in putting people in their place. Archibald is like “true dat” and feels that, as a humble servant of the Maker’s providence, he should work very hard to keep things… “tidy”.

Archibald then teaches Constance a lesson about the carrot and the stick: “The mistake that many new to power make is thinking the two are separate things, but they are wrong. The carrot is the stick.” Archibald looks at photos of his little four-person team of rebels, all of whom are probably dead now. “People love to think they’re defiant. They love to play the rebel. Tell them they cannot have the leash – deny it to them… and they will put it on themselves. And beg you for the privilege.”

Aha! Sneaky sneaky, you rugged manly man you! It’s not about beating someone into submission, as fun as that is! God only knows how fun making somebody suffer is. It’s about coercion. “Wield it well, and what they will cave most is surrender to your cause.”

East of West, Issue #32

…now they’ll finally have something to put all those bullets into.

What’s next on the agenda? A meeting with the Kingdom of New Orleans! Very good! I love crawfish and gumbo! Let’s get a move on.

“You know what to do now?” Archibald asks his niece sneakily.

“I do. I’ll have her for you in a minute, sir,” Constance responds. Sounds like Archibald is getting the mail-order bride he asked for. Excellent.

Next, Archibald starts talking to his pet eyeball in the box. The rhymin’ ocular organ thinks Archibald is a fool for using violence as his only tool (see, I can rhyme too). Archibald thinks the eyeball is full of beans. He will not be deterred from his mission, goodness no. Archibald pulls on his ol’ suspenders and gives Xiaolian Mao a ringy-dingy on the holophone.

“Well, hello there, Xiaolian. Forgive me for being so bold, but dare I say that for someone upon whose shoulders the well-being of an entire people rests, you look positively… exhausted. Terrible. Just horrific, dear. Are you having trouble sleeping?”

You shrewd so-and-so! Xiaolian merely frowns, brow furrowed and all, and tells Archibald that someone tried to kill her in her sleep. Archibald empathizes oh-so sincerely, of course. “I can imagine worse ways to go,” he says. “The world how it is, it might be argued someone was trying to do you a favor.”

Xiaolian took this act as an effort to shame her. She will not die in bed like some twerp! A sword in her left hand and an erect penis in the other! That is how she shall die! “I am a warrior. I am the House of Mao and the Bride of Death Himself.”

Archibald disagrees. She’s a Whore from Slut Town and she can go fuck herself. And yes, he did try to shame her. lol. Whatcha gonna do about it? Nyah nyah nyah. *raises middle finger*

I’m sure she’ll think of something. Archibald is a dead man.

Later, Archibald arrives at the Kingdom to a warm welcome.

East of West, Issue #21

BEER’S IN THE FRIDGE, HELP YOURSELF.

“Now. Either you tell me what it is you’re up to, Archibald, or you can return to your ship and pray to whatever god you pretend to serve that I do not shoot it down,” says King Whatever His Name Is. Archibald coyly tells the King that he’s always up to something. Up to many things, actually! Which one would he like to know about specifically?

John Freeman VIII tells the old man to just answer the goddamned question. Bitch.

The King tells his son to put a sock in it. He asks Archibald straight up, what’s he doing here. Today. At this moment. Right now. Concurrent with time as they are now living in. And Archibald remains as coy as the day he plopped out of his mother’s grotesque vagina. “In a word? Decorum.”

Archibald knows that an alliance is forming. His nation is a member. There are others, too. KnowwhatImean? Except that he doesn’t want to be a member anymore. “My desires now extend beyond their meager plans… and I just wanted you to know.”

It’s because Archibald wants the King’s blessing. Oof. John Freeman VIII is tired of Archibald’s shit and is hankerin’ to put a bullet through the old man’s dome. Archibald flashes his own holstered gun and warns the kid to back off. The King similarly warns his son to back off. John Freeman whines about it, but the King presses on.

East of West, Issue #32

Well, first of all son, your hair might get in the way.

“When you were nothing but lust in my heart, this man was the greatest gunfighter of his age. Most people don’t remember because either they operated in other spheres, or because they died at his hand.”

“Who would ever believe that the most dangerous shot around would turn out to be an even deadlier politician?” he continues. Freeman VIII is salty and skeptical. The King promises Archibald that their Kingdom will stay out of the affairs of the Confederacy. Pinky promise.

I vaguely remember a Cheveyo’s-ghost-plagued Bel Solomon hanging out in the desert with his Hunter buddy Thomas. They’re still out there, cozying it up in the middle of nowhere while Cheveyo yaps in Bel’s ear: “I tell you, Bel… Something gathers on the horizon. You can smell the coming lightning in the air. You can taste it on your tongue. A storm is not coming, Bel. It is here.”

Thomas’ robot dog senses something in the distance. “Woof!” it says. “WOOF!” it then says. Thomas readies his Hunter gun. Here comes trouble with a capital T even though I spelled it with a lowercase t back there. Sorry.

Archibald shows up with his cavalry. “Hello, Bel. I’d be remiss to say that by the looks of it, you’re in desperate need of some modern comforts – like a decent meal or a hot bath. Fortunate for you, I’m a man of the times.”

Bel boggles ferally at the southern gentleman with the very long, stupid mustache. “Archibald… how… how did you find me?”

Pffft, it was easy, guy. He’s been keeping tabs on you for years and you aren’t very subtle about it. You keep farting and his Fart Detection Machine keeps picking up your farts. Also, because Archibald made you drink something that had a tracking device on it, I guess, and after all this time you didn’t poop it out for some reason.

Anyway, Bel Solomon of the Republic of Stinky Texas, it is time for you to return to your Chosen duties! Thomas is like “go suck a dick, old man” and opens fire. Thomas’ robot dog opens fire too. They kill, like, everyone. Everyone except Archibald himself.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says, “you put those guns down and I’ll allow you to live.”

Thomas does not put the guns down, so Archibald pulls his own gun out and fires three rounds.

East of West, Issue #21

They don’t call me the fastest gun in the west just because I’m the fastest gun in the west! Oh wait, yes they do…

One goes in the guy’s neck. One cuts through his leg. One cracks through his middle finger. He moans and groans on the ground like a dingus. “Next time…” Archibald says, “you might want to be more appreciative when a man like myself is feeling generous. Understood?”

I guess the guy is not dead, miraculously. Thomas tells Archibald to do his worst, so he shoots his robot dog in the face. It’s worth mentioning at this point that Archibald’s has a bulging questioning eye affixed under the barrel of his gun. Thomas hoots and hollers about some day having his justice while Archibald drags Bel to his ship by his hair.

“Justice?” says Archibald incredulously while Thomas bleeds out. “Haven’t you been paying attention your entire life, lawman? Justice is what the strong do to the weak. And now I’ll show the world just how strong I am.”

Final Thoughts

I’m still rooting for Archibald. He’s one cunning motherfucker. I like his luscious mustache. Mmmm, I just want to eat it off his face.


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The Great Hunt by Robert Jordan

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 2 of the Wheel of Time series

The Great Hunt

It’s that time again, motherfuckers! Time to bust out your barely-read copies of the second book in Robert Jordan’s epic 700 book series The Wheel of Time so we can do the Book Bonfire now and get it over with!

Follow the adventures of Rand, Mat, Perrin, Egwene, Nynaeve, Loial, Moiraine, Lan, Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, Chandler, Monica, Kramer, and Newman as they all take turns walking in one direction, then doing an about face and walking in the other direction! This 680-page brick raises the stakes by introducing a new slew of enemies, criminals, thugs, Koopa Troopas, and giant man-eating blobs! Revel in the mystery of fabled artifacts such as the Horn of Valere or the Triforce! And furthermore, th–

Ok, ok, I’ll play it straight. While the first book, The Eye of the World, has the characters pretty much sticking together in one group as they journey east (with a few brief split-ups), The Great Hunt splits the groups up into several factions with different missions. And then splits them up further! And then adds some new characters to, you know, shake things up a little bit! That is to say, the scope of the story becomes way more epic, but instead of keeping everything separated and expansive like your average A Song of Ice and Fire book, The Great Hunt managed to bring everything together relatively free of too many loose ends. Of course, Rand will kickstart a new quest that everyone agrees to join him in, but that’s why Book Three The Dragon Reborn is all about!

I thought the book started out slow. The Borderlands were loaded with visiting Aes Sedai, and we got introduced in this book to the various flavors! Red Ajah hate the men! Green Ajah are all nymphomaniacs! Blue Ajah are somewhere in between! Brown Ajah are sexually-repressed sociopaths who bury their noses in their books! We meet a whole slew of Moraine-y types, including an evil cunt named Liandrin and a not-so-evil nice lady named Verin. Most of the first 100+ pages saw them slowly unfolding the paths of the plot until they all finally set off on their own journeys: Rand, Mat, Perrin, and Co. to find the stolen Horn of Valere (and Mat’s evil Dagger of Uncontrollable Emaciation). Moiraine, Egwene, Nynaeve, and Co. to train in Tar Valon.

“What’s so great about this hunt anyway?”
– Mat

The first half of the book was enjoyable enough, albeit aimless to a fault and uneventful. At one point Rand, Loial, and Hurin (one of Lord Ingtar’s Shienaran soldiers) accidentally phase into another dimension and need to find a way to get back to their group, which is where it begins to pick up. Once we meet Thom Merrilin in Cairhien (YAY, HE DIDN’T DIE) and Egwene/Nynaeve start training Aes Sedai-style in Tar Valon (along with Elayne the Daughter-Heir and Min the Clairvoyant), the book is on a fucking roll. I particularly enjoyed the bits about the Great Game (Daes Dae’mar as it’s called), which is like some The Wire or Game of Thrones shit where the High Lords fuck with one another for funsies. I also greatly enjoyed the events related to the sul’dam and the damane, the Aes Sedai slaves of whom Egwene accidentally becomes for a brief spell. I never found myself rooting for anything in The Wheel of Time yet as I much as I rooted for Egwene just tearing the shit out of her sul’dam (the Leash Holder). I hope for many more such events to come as I plod through the next 13 books!

Good stuff? You betcha! Let’s hit the discussion questions, shall we? Fellow Book Bonfirites??

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“We need to find the Horn of Valere, huh? I’ve got your Horn of Valere right here. Why don’t you blow it?”
– Perrin

What do you make of Nynaeve’s initial training with Verin? Is she being too stubborn? Do you think the Aes Sedai are messing with her a little?
Nynaeve’s got a hot little temper and she’s not afraid to unleash it, Aes Sedai or no Aes Sedai. As Nynaeve and Egwene travel to Var Talon via ship on the river, Nynaeve becomes increasingly seasick — and, therefore, agitated — as the voyage goes on. There’s a point where the Amyrlin Seat (sort of like the Aes Sedai head honcho — her name is Siuan) visits their cabin and puts the two of them to the test, but Nynaeve hurls a whole batch of fuck-yous at her. Siuan uses the One Power to clamp Nynaeve’s mouth shut and lift her to the ceiling, but Nynaeve gets so fiery and pissed off that she’s able to channel the One Power through her white-hot anger and send Siuan flying hard against the cabin wall. Nynaeve is a badass.

Is Nynaeve being too stubborn? Hell fucking no. Someone needs to take these high-and-mighty “untouchable” Aes Sedai down a peg. Too much self-importance in that group of porcelain-skinned buttholes, if you ask me. Do I think the Aes Sedai are messing with her a little? Hell fucking yes. Someone needs to take Nynaeve down a peg, too. This whole book is full of people who need to be taken down a peg.

How does Rand try to disavow his destiny despite all signs and portents pointing to it? Why does he do this?
I don’t know. ‘Cause he’s a tall pain in the ass?

Rand tries to disavow his destiny because he doesn’t want to be a puppet for the Aes Sedai, and he feels that it’s entirely the Aes Sedai that are putting him up to all this. Little does he know, and he doesn’t know much anyway, that the Aes Sedai are all wrapped up in this shit, too. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, as they say. Everyone’s at the mercy of the magic Wheel whether you’re a highfalutin Aes Sedai or some little farming bitch from Nowheresville, Bumfuck.

“All these Aes Sedai in the White Tower need to get fuckin’ laid.”
– Nynaeve

Rand feels like he’s not in control of his own destiny anymore. All he wants to do is go back to Emond’s Field and return to normalcy. He’s very stubborn about this until he realizes that he’s screwed and normalcy is impossible. Eventually, he begrudgingly embraces his destiny and sets off to find Padan Fain and the Horn. Mostly, though, he’s invested in finding the dagger to save Mat. I wouldn’t have done that, Mat sounds like a sniveling weasel.

Compare Rand and Ba’alzamon from what is seen of the two when they face each other in the story.
No.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Once it picked up after a couple hundred pages, I enjoyed this one a lot more than Eye of the World. Rand, Loial, and Hurin’s phasing into some parallel world was intriguing and I’d like to read more about this phenomenon. The return of Thom Merrilin was an ABSOLUTE JOY and I’m pleased as punch that I get to see him involved in the story again.

The best parts were Egwene’s brief enslavement. Nothing hit a nerve so far in the series quite like Egwene getting shackled and tortured by some cunt. When Nynaeve and Elayne helped Egwene break free, and then Egwene slammed a pitcher in her sul’dam‘s stomach and clipped the collar around her neck, I was all like “yes sir, that’s the business.”

I’m sincerely looking forward to the next 13 books. Very invested in this.

Other Writeups for This Series
The Eye of the World

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Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7 – “The Last White Event”

* Part 1 of 5 of The Last White Event storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7 – “The Last White Event”! I finally return to continue more Avengers Original-Flavored Action. In the previous storyline, we witness a couple of gods (Ex Nihilo and Abyss) try to terraform Mars, and eventually Earth, by launching big, weird bombs full of spores! The Avengers fly to Mars to make short work of that though, and then some Universe Lady shows up and tells Ex Nihilo and Abyss to go home. And they do! She’s their boss, after all. The big gross humanoid they created, “Adam”, gets taken home back to Earth by the Avengers. Tony Stark attempts to learn his strange Builders language.

After a Hyperion origin story and a Smasher origin story, we see Shang-Chi try to speak with Universe Lady…or at least the human woman absorbed within Universe Lady. Her name is Tamara Devoux, and she survived a car crash. In a coma for 10 years, Tamara doesn’t know what became of her six-year-old daughter, but Shang-Chi learns that Universe Lady is using her body because “she’s broken, just like me”.

Later, Universe Lady and “Adam” (named Nightmask) are able to communicate. Nightmask warns of a “White Event” that is happening now! NOW! NOOOOOWW!!

So now you’re all caught up! And I suppose this White Event isn’t going to be the first one. So, let’s all learn about what happened last time.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7 [May, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Last White Event”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

THE SUPERFLOW. UNIVERSE 7109. Some rickety spacecraft gets infiltrated by what looks like slick blue tentacles. Everything keeps going offline! Whatever that “everything” actually is, I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with an AOL chat room from 1999.

“Please extrapolate, Curator,” says a guy from what I assume is a Mission Control-type location. The robot Curator next to him is frazzled as all heck; they keep losing their communications at a rapid rate! “Outside of the web, it is impossible to determine whether or not the superstructure will maintain integrity,” it says, which sounds like a steaming pile of gobbledygook to me.

“Total collapse of the superflow,” says the Mission Control alien. “Almost unthinkable.” You know what else is unthinkable? A fucking Avengers story without any Avengers in it yet! Where’s muh Spider-Mans?!

The Curator asks if they should alert whoever it is that they should alert a problem to. I don’t know, because the alien cuts him off. “No until we know more.”

THE NEXUS OF ALL SUPERFLOWS. THE CENTRAL WEB. It’s a large alien space station thing, and it’s plunging into some really red liquid on what I assume is a planet? I’m going level with you guys, I don’t know what the FUCK is going on. I might as well be reading manga with all the inscrutible horseshit that’s happening right now.

The alien is called The Caretaker, and the structure is collapsing. The Nexus of All Supeflows. Does that deserve capital letters? It seems appropriate.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

Everything dies, chump.

The Central Web is broken, they can’t escape. Resistance is futile! Everything keeps going offline. Hey, Caretaker! Do something about it, would ya. Take care of it! It’s in your name, dude.

The Caretaker asks how many communication/ascension stations remain, and the answer is a big fat 192—151—127 hut hut hike. Dropping like flies. Mr. Caretaker orders the Curator to salvage any worlds that can be salvaged and then destroy the rest. “I have failed you, Builders,” he says. “Forgive me.”

Who cares? So the Central Web is broken, big fuckin’ whoop. Make a new one! What’s another million years, anyway?

The blue-tentacled mass slams into the space station and blows that shit up real good. Meanwhile, the Superflow of Universes 69001, 2091, and 3281809 are also getting wreaked havoc upon.

The Superflow of Universe 616, however…

*Avengers opening credits music plays, sounding dangerously close enough to the Full House theme to incite a team of Warner Bros. lawyers. Aunt Becky had it going on, that’s all I can say about this*

AVENGERS TOWER. NOW. “Adam” Nightmask “Sandler” picks up where we left off. Boogity boogity the White Event is coming!

Tony Stark is like WTF DID HE SAY? Ms. Universe reiterates what “Adam” Nightmask “West” said: “Boogity boogity the White Event is coming!”

Black Widow doesn’t really like the sound of that, to be honest.

Then white stuff happens.

Then white stuff goes away.

“What just happened?” asks Spider-Man.

“Adam” Nightmask “Driver” reiterates that it was the White Event. “THE LAST WHITE EVENT.”

Nightmask starts waving his arms around and creating some weird energy, which prompts Stark to angrily tell him to stop lest he fucks up all his machines. “You have many talking machines,” Nightmask says. “I can hear them. This is helpful as I mold them into what I need.”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

Who gave you permission to speak, Spider-Man? Eat all my shit.

“You have to tell us what you’re doing,” Stark tells Nightmask desperately. “Maybe we can help?”

“I have to find the others,” Nightmask responds in that obnoxiously vague manner that we’ve all come to know and love in the last 15 minutes.

FIVE HOURS AGO, a young couple are sitting together on a park bench. The boy tells the girl that he already spoke to her parents to tell them that they were getting married. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?! Let’s go back to the action.

“A White Event occurs when a world is on the verge of ascending on a universal scale,” says Nightmask abstrusely. “A White Event creates/alters heralds to shepherd this ascension, and a Nightmask always acts as forerunner of the change.”

Whatever. So this naked man they picked up from Mars is the White Event Whisperer? Give me some black smoke and a Dharma station any day over any of this shit.

“I am a Nightmask,” he says to the group, as if no one was paying attention. Captain America wasn’t, he was picking his nose with a garden rake. “There should be others.”

Ms. Universe knows that this wasn’t a regular White Event. For one thing, White Events usually come with cookies. Also, the universe is broken and whoops to that.

FOUR HOURS AGO, a college jock talks to college freak about knocking someone’s ass out for putting his hands on a girl. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?! Let’s go back to the action.

THREE HOURS AGO, a man in line in a college cafeteria is yelling at his father over the phone about his science-y pursuits. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?! This isn’t the action! Where’s the action?!

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

Be a pole dancer just like your old man or he’ll never respect you.

Next, Nightmask has tapped into the Starkcomm network, which is like the internet except you can only go to pornsites where Tony Stark is nude (and Starkcomm has about 900TB worth of content). Nightmask is accessing global mapping and tracking systems, presumably to find other Nightmasks. He finds what he’s looking for and points to a large crop circle thing in a hologram. “Here! We must go here,” he points. “There was an event.”

Tony Stark is finally able to help! Hot dog! He recognizes the point of interest as suburban. And…let’s see… pulling back the vantage point… reticulating splines… adding emotional weights… oh snap! “Sound the alarm– assemble the team. It was a college.”

TWO HOURS AGO, some professor with Beethoven hair lectures about electronics. He instructs a student to stand up and explain some fake theory about lossless rates of conversion for an infinite source of current. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?! NOT AT ALL! Back to the action.

The crop circle thing on the college campus is called a starbrand – the impact site. It also acts as a herald, and besides blowing up colleges it also acts as a planetary defense mechanism. Problem is, the mechanism is broken.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

What the fuck ever, Iron Man. Acting like the expert even though you just learned this shit an hour ago.

These planetary defense mechanisms are very important! For one thing, they defend planets. And also, th–

The gang arrives at the smoldering crater that was the college campus. No signs of life… except for one…

“Why there were only certain types of people that were ever given the starbrand. It’s a plantary defense system. To properly defend a thing, it requires an amount of energy equaling what’s needed to destroy a thing. Understand? Defending a planet requires the ability to break one.”

We see the flashbacks all over again. Same nerd walks in front of the happy engaged couple. Nerd gets accidentally jostled in the hallway by the college freak. Same nerd is serving up the science-y kid in the cafeteria. Same nerd is in the lecture hall.

“Now imagine that kind of power in the hands of someone who has spent his entire life being ignored.”

The nerd wakes up dazed among the rubble.

Final Thoughts

INTRIGUING! Why is this kid so special? Is Mr. Starbrand going to get thrown into some sort of power core in order to reverse the White Event effects, crushing him to death within the 9,000,000 psi pressure of the core? Oh god I hope so. Or else this isn’t a fucking COMIC BOOK otherwise.


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