The Great Hunt by Robert Jordan

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 2 of the Wheel of Time series

The Great Hunt

It’s that time again, motherfuckers! Time to bust out your barely-read copies of the second book in Robert Jordan’s epic 700 book series The Wheel of Time so we can do the Book Bonfire now and get it over with!

Follow the adventures of Rand, Mat, Perrin, Egwene, Nynaeve, Loial, Moiraine, Lan, Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, Chandler, Monica, Kramer, and Newman as they all take turns walking in one direction, then doing an about face and walking in the other direction! This 680-page brick raises the stakes by introducing a new slew of enemies, criminals, thugs, Koopa Troopas, and giant man-eating blobs! Revel in the mystery of fabled artifacts such as the Horn of Valere or the Triforce! And furthermore, th–

Ok, ok, I’ll play it straight. While the first book, The Eye of the World, has the characters pretty much sticking together in one group as they journey east (with a few brief split-ups), The Great Hunt splits the groups up into several factions with different missions. And then splits them up further! And then adds some new characters to, you know, shake things up a little bit! That is to say, the scope of the story becomes way more epic, but instead of keeping everything separated and expansive like your average A Song of Ice and Fire book, The Great Hunt managed to bring everything together relatively free of too many loose ends. Of course, Rand will kickstart a new quest that everyone agrees to join him in, but that’s why Book Three The Dragon Reborn is all about!

I thought the book started out slow. The Borderlands were loaded with visiting Aes Sedai, and we got introduced in this book to the various flavors! Red Ajah hate the men! Green Ajah are all nymphomaniacs! Blue Ajah are somewhere in between! Brown Ajah are sexually-repressed sociopaths who bury their noses in their books! We meet a whole slew of Moraine-y types, including an evil cunt named Liandrin and a not-so-evil nice lady named Verin. Most of the first 100+ pages saw them slowly unfolding the paths of the plot until they all finally set off on their own journeys: Rand, Mat, Perrin, and Co. to find the stolen Horn of Valere (and Mat’s evil Dagger of Uncontrollable Emaciation). Moiraine, Egwene, Nynaeve, and Co. to train in Tar Valon.

“What’s so great about this hunt anyway?”
– Mat

The first half of the book was enjoyable enough, albeit aimless to a fault and uneventful. At one point Rand, Loial, and Hurin (one of Lord Ingtar’s Shienaran soldiers) accidentally phase into another dimension and need to find a way to get back to their group, which is where it begins to pick up. Once we meet Thom Merrilin in Cairhien (YAY, HE DIDN’T DIE) and Egwene/Nynaeve start training Aes Sedai-style in Tar Valon (along with Elayne the Daughter-Heir and Min the Clairvoyant), the book is on a fucking roll. I particularly enjoyed the bits about the Great Game (Daes Dae’mar as it’s called), which is like some The Wire or Game of Thrones shit where the High Lords fuck with one another for funsies. I also greatly enjoyed the events related to the sul’dam and the damane, the Aes Sedai slaves of whom Egwene accidentally becomes for a brief spell. I never found myself rooting for anything in The Wheel of Time yet as I much as I rooted for Egwene just tearing the shit out of her sul’dam (the Leash Holder). I hope for many more such events to come as I plod through the next 13 books!

Good stuff? You betcha! Let’s hit the discussion questions, shall we? Fellow Book Bonfirites??

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“We need to find the Horn of Valere, huh? I’ve got your Horn of Valere right here. Why don’t you blow it?”
– Perrin

What do you make of Nynaeve’s initial training with Verin? Is she being too stubborn? Do you think the Aes Sedai are messing with her a little?
Nynaeve’s got a hot little temper and she’s not afraid to unleash it, Aes Sedai or no Aes Sedai. As Nynaeve and Egwene travel to Var Talon via ship on the river, Nynaeve becomes increasingly seasick — and, therefore, agitated — as the voyage goes on. There’s a point where the Amyrlin Seat (sort of like the Aes Sedai head honcho — her name is Siuan) visits their cabin and puts the two of them to the test, but Nynaeve hurls a whole batch of fuck-yous at her. Siuan uses the One Power to clamp Nynaeve’s mouth shut and lift her to the ceiling, but Nynaeve gets so fiery and pissed off that she’s able to channel the One Power through her white-hot anger and send Siuan flying hard against the cabin wall. Nynaeve is a badass.

Is Nynaeve being too stubborn? Hell fucking no. Someone needs to take these high-and-mighty “untouchable” Aes Sedai down a peg. Too much self-importance in that group of porcelain-skinned buttholes, if you ask me. Do I think the Aes Sedai are messing with her a little? Hell fucking yes. Someone needs to take Nynaeve down a peg, too. This whole book is full of people who need to be taken down a peg.

How does Rand try to disavow his destiny despite all signs and portents pointing to it? Why does he do this?
I don’t know. ‘Cause he’s a tall pain in the ass?

Rand tries to disavow his destiny because he doesn’t want to be a puppet for the Aes Sedai, and he feels that it’s entirely the Aes Sedai that are putting him up to all this. Little does he know, and he doesn’t know much anyway, that the Aes Sedai are all wrapped up in this shit, too. The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, as they say. Everyone’s at the mercy of the magic Wheel whether you’re a highfalutin Aes Sedai or some little farming bitch from Nowheresville, Bumfuck.

“All these Aes Sedai in the White Tower need to get fuckin’ laid.”
– Nynaeve

Rand feels like he’s not in control of his own destiny anymore. All he wants to do is go back to Emond’s Field and return to normalcy. He’s very stubborn about this until he realizes that he’s screwed and normalcy is impossible. Eventually, he begrudgingly embraces his destiny and sets off to find Padan Fain and the Horn. Mostly, though, he’s invested in finding the dagger to save Mat. I wouldn’t have done that, Mat sounds like a sniveling weasel.

Compare Rand and Ba’alzamon from what is seen of the two when they face each other in the story.
No.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Once it picked up after a couple hundred pages, I enjoyed this one a lot more than Eye of the World. Rand, Loial, and Hurin’s phasing into some parallel world was intriguing and I’d like to read more about this phenomenon. The return of Thom Merrilin was an ABSOLUTE JOY and I’m pleased as punch that I get to see him involved in the story again.

The best parts were Egwene’s brief enslavement. Nothing hit a nerve so far in the series quite like Egwene getting shackled and tortured by some cunt. When Nynaeve and Elayne helped Egwene break free, and then Egwene slammed a pitcher in her sul’dam‘s stomach and clipped the collar around her neck, I was all like “yes sir, that’s the business.”

I’m sincerely looking forward to the next 13 books. Very invested in this.

Other Writeups for This Series
The Eye of the World

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Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7 – “The Last White Event”

* Part 1 of 5 of The Last White Event storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7 – “The Last White Event”! I finally return to continue more Avengers Original-Flavored Action. In the previous storyline, we witness a couple of gods (Ex Nihilo and Abyss) try to terraform Mars, and eventually Earth, by launching big, weird bombs full of spores! The Avengers fly to Mars to make short work of that though, and then some Universe Lady shows up and tells Ex Nihilo and Abyss to go home. And they do! She’s their boss, after all. The big gross humanoid they created, “Adam”, gets taken home back to Earth by the Avengers. Tony Stark attempts to learn his strange Builders language.

After a Hyperion origin story and a Smasher origin story, we see Shang-Chi try to speak with Universe Lady…or at least the human woman absorbed within Universe Lady. Her name is Tamara Devoux, and she survived a car crash. In a coma for 10 years, Tamara doesn’t know what became of her six-year-old daughter, but Shang-Chi learns that Universe Lady is using her body because “she’s broken, just like me”.

Later, Universe Lady and “Adam” (named Nightmask) are able to communicate. Nightmask warns of a “White Event” that is happening now! NOW! NOOOOOWW!!

So now you’re all caught up! And I suppose this White Event isn’t going to be the first one. So, let’s all learn about what happened last time.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7 [May, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Last White Event”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

THE SUPERFLOW. UNIVERSE 7109. Some rickety spacecraft gets infiltrated by what looks like slick blue tentacles. Everything keeps going offline! Whatever that “everything” actually is, I don’t know. Maybe it has something to do with an AOL chat room from 1999.

“Please extrapolate, Curator,” says a guy from what I assume is a Mission Control-type location. The robot Curator next to him is frazzled as all heck; they keep losing their communications at a rapid rate! “Outside of the web, it is impossible to determine whether or not the superstructure will maintain integrity,” it says, which sounds like a steaming pile of gobbledygook to me.

“Total collapse of the superflow,” says the Mission Control alien. “Almost unthinkable.” You know what else is unthinkable? A fucking Avengers story without any Avengers in it yet! Where’s muh Spider-Mans?!

The Curator asks if they should alert whoever it is that they should alert a problem to. I don’t know, because the alien cuts him off. “No until we know more.”

THE NEXUS OF ALL SUPERFLOWS. THE CENTRAL WEB. It’s a large alien space station thing, and it’s plunging into some really red liquid on what I assume is a planet? I’m going level with you guys, I don’t know what the FUCK is going on. I might as well be reading manga with all the inscrutible horseshit that’s happening right now.

The alien is called The Caretaker, and the structure is collapsing. The Nexus of All Supeflows. Does that deserve capital letters? It seems appropriate.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

Everything dies, chump.

The Central Web is broken, they can’t escape. Resistance is futile! Everything keeps going offline. Hey, Caretaker! Do something about it, would ya. Take care of it! It’s in your name, dude.

The Caretaker asks how many communication/ascension stations remain, and the answer is a big fat 192—151—127 hut hut hike. Dropping like flies. Mr. Caretaker orders the Curator to salvage any worlds that can be salvaged and then destroy the rest. “I have failed you, Builders,” he says. “Forgive me.”

Who cares? So the Central Web is broken, big fuckin’ whoop. Make a new one! What’s another million years, anyway?

The blue-tentacled mass slams into the space station and blows that shit up real good. Meanwhile, the Superflow of Universes 69001, 2091, and 3281809 are also getting wreaked havoc upon.

The Superflow of Universe 616, however…

*Avengers opening credits music plays, sounding dangerously close enough to the Full House theme to incite a team of Warner Bros. lawyers. Aunt Becky had it going on, that’s all I can say about this*

AVENGERS TOWER. NOW. “Adam” Nightmask “Sandler” picks up where we left off. Boogity boogity the White Event is coming!

Tony Stark is like WTF DID HE SAY? Ms. Universe reiterates what “Adam” Nightmask “West” said: “Boogity boogity the White Event is coming!”

Black Widow doesn’t really like the sound of that, to be honest.

Then white stuff happens.

Then white stuff goes away.

“What just happened?” asks Spider-Man.

“Adam” Nightmask “Driver” reiterates that it was the White Event. “THE LAST WHITE EVENT.”

Nightmask starts waving his arms around and creating some weird energy, which prompts Stark to angrily tell him to stop lest he fucks up all his machines. “You have many talking machines,” Nightmask says. “I can hear them. This is helpful as I mold them into what I need.”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

Who gave you permission to speak, Spider-Man? Eat all my shit.

“You have to tell us what you’re doing,” Stark tells Nightmask desperately. “Maybe we can help?”

“I have to find the others,” Nightmask responds in that obnoxiously vague manner that we’ve all come to know and love in the last 15 minutes.

FIVE HOURS AGO, a young couple are sitting together on a park bench. The boy tells the girl that he already spoke to her parents to tell them that they were getting married. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?! Let’s go back to the action.

“A White Event occurs when a world is on the verge of ascending on a universal scale,” says Nightmask abstrusely. “A White Event creates/alters heralds to shepherd this ascension, and a Nightmask always acts as forerunner of the change.”

Whatever. So this naked man they picked up from Mars is the White Event Whisperer? Give me some black smoke and a Dharma station any day over any of this shit.

“I am a Nightmask,” he says to the group, as if no one was paying attention. Captain America wasn’t, he was picking his nose with a garden rake. “There should be others.”

Ms. Universe knows that this wasn’t a regular White Event. For one thing, White Events usually come with cookies. Also, the universe is broken and whoops to that.

FOUR HOURS AGO, a college jock talks to college freak about knocking someone’s ass out for putting his hands on a girl. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?! Let’s go back to the action.

THREE HOURS AGO, a man in line in a college cafeteria is yelling at his father over the phone about his science-y pursuits. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?! This isn’t the action! Where’s the action?!

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

Be a pole dancer just like your old man or he’ll never respect you.

Next, Nightmask has tapped into the Starkcomm network, which is like the internet except you can only go to pornsites where Tony Stark is nude (and Starkcomm has about 900TB worth of content). Nightmask is accessing global mapping and tracking systems, presumably to find other Nightmasks. He finds what he’s looking for and points to a large crop circle thing in a hologram. “Here! We must go here,” he points. “There was an event.”

Tony Stark is finally able to help! Hot dog! He recognizes the point of interest as suburban. And…let’s see… pulling back the vantage point… reticulating splines… adding emotional weights… oh snap! “Sound the alarm– assemble the team. It was a college.”

TWO HOURS AGO, some professor with Beethoven hair lectures about electronics. He instructs a student to stand up and explain some fake theory about lossless rates of conversion for an infinite source of current. ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?! NOT AT ALL! Back to the action.

The crop circle thing on the college campus is called a starbrand – the impact site. It also acts as a herald, and besides blowing up colleges it also acts as a planetary defense mechanism. Problem is, the mechanism is broken.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #7

What the fuck ever, Iron Man. Acting like the expert even though you just learned this shit an hour ago.

These planetary defense mechanisms are very important! For one thing, they defend planets. And also, th–

The gang arrives at the smoldering crater that was the college campus. No signs of life… except for one…

“Why there were only certain types of people that were ever given the starbrand. It’s a plantary defense system. To properly defend a thing, it requires an amount of energy equaling what’s needed to destroy a thing. Understand? Defending a planet requires the ability to break one.”

We see the flashbacks all over again. Same nerd walks in front of the happy engaged couple. Nerd gets accidentally jostled in the hallway by the college freak. Same nerd is serving up the science-y kid in the cafeteria. Same nerd is in the lecture hall.

“Now imagine that kind of power in the hands of someone who has spent his entire life being ignored.”

The nerd wakes up dazed among the rubble.

Final Thoughts

INTRIGUING! Why is this kid so special? Is Mr. Starbrand going to get thrown into some sort of power core in order to reverse the White Event effects, crushing him to death within the 9,000,000 psi pressure of the core? Oh god I hope so. Or else this isn’t a fucking COMIC BOOK otherwise.


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East of West, Issue #31 – “Watch Us as We Rob Them Blind”

* Part 2 of 16 of the The Apocalypse: Year Three storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #31 – “Watch Us as We Rob Them Blind”! In the previous installment, a mortally wounded Narsimha aims to have a frank discussion with the leader of the crazy religious nutbags who bring the good Word of the Lord to them (and also tear down the Endless Nation’s Machine City.

We see a flashback of Wolf as a wolf fighting the Hellbeast as a Hellbeast. During the midst of the fight, an attached Ezra Orion is fucking screaming about Wolf losing the battle and getting killed. Wolf eats Orion, fulfilling the Prophecy that he who eats the Word becomes the Word.

So Wolf is now the Word. And now he is Narsimha’s enemy! Scandalous!

Oh yeah, the Horsemen are looking forward to Apocalypsing. As usual. They’re all frothing and popping boners about it, which is just very nice I say.

What’s next in this Final Year of the Apocalypse?! Will Archibald hump a dead ox?? Will Xiaolian hump a dead ox?? The possibilities are limitless!

East of West, Issue #31 [February, 2017]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Watch Us as We Rob Them Blind”

East of West, Issue #31

We’re at the Black Towers, home of Andrew Archibald Chamberlain and his niece I-Forget-Her-Name. Candice? Camille? JETHRO? Constance, it’s Constance. And she has good news and better news for the President of the Confederacy! Archibald knows what the good news is already: his cabinet is top-notch. Real solid stuff. Couldn’t have asked for better advisors and yes-men. Good work.

Here’s the better news: Union President Antonia LeVay is asking for money. She wants the goods to fund her beekeeping hobby. Archibald clicks on a hologram and sees a very angry, shrieky-looking LeVay. “Now that is not the face of grace under pressure,” Archibald says snootily.

Constance guesses that the Union is getting hella overrun by Endless Nation assholes while a Civil War breaks out in her own nation. Definitely not a cool situation. There were rumors of funding from the rich-ass Kingdom of New Orleans, but they’d rather fund their own beekeeping hobbies. “So… are you going to help her?” Constance asked the fabulously-mustachioed one. Archibald gives a mighty “Hrmpt!” and answers LeVay’s Zoom call.

Sweet as honey, Archibald tells LeVay that he’ll help her with anything she needs. She thanks him profusely and asks for money please. Archibald renegs immediately on his “anything she needs” offer and tells her that there ain’t no coin for the beggars.

“There is something you need to remember,” she tells him. “We are part of a plan larger than ourselves. Larger than even our nations. We were both tasked with maintaining political order. The Horsemen demand order. And while you are succeeding, I am failing… Badly.”

East of West, Issue #31

The blue JPEG artifact lady is depserate for wrinkle cream.

Archibald practically jerks off with LeVay’s tears as lube and tells her to try another method of persuasion. She begs for help. He gets to brass tacks: what the fuck does she need the money for? The bees can keep themselves! LeVay needs weapons and soldiers. Archibald can spare weapons, but not soldiers. Hey, you’re Madame President of the Union! Instate a draft! Get some fresh-faced 18-year-olds on enemy lines!

She thanks him for the idea and then Archibald tells her to expect weapons within a day or two. After the call ends, Constance smells something fishy. “What are you up to, uncle?” she asks. “My dear… you wound me,” Archibald responds.

“Bite down until you feel bone.”

“Suffer your sons and daughters, for one day they will replace you.”

This has happened previously, but LeVay is astonished at how young all these rebels against the Union are. The police have isolated four individuals who “seem to be of some importance”, and LeVay begins talking to them.

“Talk all you want, there’s nothing you can say to change our minds… fascist!” yells one of the youngins.

“Do you really think you were freer when you weren’t in chains?” she asks, taking a police officer’s semi-automatic rifle and gunning down three of them. The fourth one, crying, gets hit with the butt of the gun before she runs away. “Let the word spread,” LeVay says.

One day later, the girl wakes up in a cell. Three of her rebellion buddies, free from their own cells, inform her that the police had nearly gunned down their entire lot. How many are left? About seven or eight, give or take. She is asked if they all should run. “They stole our city, wrecked our nation, and killed our friends. You want to run?” the girl asks incredulously. “Hell no. There is no running… we stay and fight. And we win or die.”

Sounds rather promising! Good luck with that! We’ll get back to you some other time, kids. Let’s go to the White Tower where LeVay looks like she aged about seven trillion years. Doma Lux is spread out on the couch seductively; the shipment from the Confederacy is on its way. Should be here within the hour. Lux congratulates LeVay on her “damsel in distress” shtick with Archibald. “Who said I was acting?” LeVay responds.

While LeVay prattles on about needing to win, the remaining members of the rebellion do a thing where they launch a thing into the air. They discuss their fortuitous situation that they have a nameless, faceless benefactor who continually funds their efforts.

The thing they launch in the air looks like a very large drinking straw. The four rebels are in their own shuttle attempting to dock onto the drinking straw. Their attempts are successful. Off they go.

East of West, Issue #31

We made it to Dairy Queen, boys! Blizzards for everyone!

“Three objectives: Eliminate the guards in the transport car. Capture the engine. Secure the cargo.” And make it snappy.

They cut through the hull of the drinking straw and enter the drinking straw. Staying alert and trying not to poop their pants too hard, the group looks for the transport car. The group finds the transport car. The girl guns down the entire group and announces through her comm that the transport car is secure, “but heads up. I think one made it out.”

The one that made it out gets shot through his fancy helmet visor and knocked off the drinking straw. It’s a ship, of course, but I like to keep calling it a drinking straw because that’s a really stupid phrase anyway. “Drinking straw.”

Next, the cargo must be secured, which means someone captured the engine! That’s good news! Even better news that this action sequence is decidedly almost over. They separate the cargo hold from the rest of the DRINKING STRAW, and one throws a bomb into the cockpit KILLING THE PILOTS OF THE SHIP. Only one guy is left and he’s a hostage. Now what? Who cares. It’s Doma Lux time.

“Aaannd I just got confirmation from aviation command… the shipment has entered our airspace.” Finally, a congratulations is in order! Here it is! Ahem… congr

“I must say, Doma, for those such as you and I who are heavily invested in the collapse… I am continually shocked by just how perilous the end times are,” LeVay says as she and Doma clink champagne glasses. “Frankly, when it doesn’t make me furious… I find it so very fucking depressing…”

“Are you a romantic?” one of the rebels, a lady with a mohawk, asks the remaining member of the ship. “Because if you’re not, you certainly should be. Romantics leave their marks on the world… And we’re about to write our names in fire across the sky.”

When asked what she means by this, she asks him if he ever cared about something so much that he was willing to suffer and die for it.

He says no.

East of West, Issue #31

You taste like Funyuns, cigarettes, and rubbing alcohol.

“This is how you die well… By taking the bastards with you.”

The rebels do a 9/11 into the White Tower.

Final Thoughts

Is this the end of Madame “Pinchy Face” LeVay and Doma “Sex Boner Nymphomaniac” Lux?

Is Archibald going to win this whole thing?

Is the Apocalypse just a front for a big surprise birthday party for Death?

Exactly three of those things are true! Haha haa, what?!


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Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #10 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Book II: Shadows and Secrets storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #10 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Darth Vader is getting scrutinized by Thanoth the Inspector and he’s not having a good time about it. Meanwhile, Aphra is shoving millions of credits in this one dude’s face looking for information about a guy named Commodex Tahn.

Aphra thinks information about this guy will be very useful to Vader.

Because Commodex Tahn is/was a mortician on Naboo.

And Vader may want to see Padmé’s decomposing corpse, I guess? That would be a weird turn of events.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #10 [December, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 4)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #10

A big elephant-looking alien surrenders to Darth Vader in the Dragon’s Mansion on Alpha Prime.

“Will you reveal to whom you sold explosives?” Vader asks.

“Yes!”

“A shame.”

This big elephant-looking alien is perhaps the Dragon and this is his Mansion. Vader cuts him down with a lightsaber, presumably killing him even though I don’t see blood pouring every which way. Thanoth is like wtf, the dude wasn’t going to explode the building! He didn’t even have a trigger! He was bluffing! Vader is like “eh”.

Well, the only way to go is forward, I suppose. Thanoth finds the Dragon’s vault full of sensitive documents and a stash of secret photos of nude Gungans. “Three failures and it will immolate its contents, I suspect,” says Thanoth. “Of the finest quality. It’ll take at least a month to open safely. I must try. Immediately.”

What’s the rush, homie? Ain’t no urgency here! In fact, opening the vault is dumb as shit! Let’s forget it entirely. Nope? Okay, okay, Thanoth is allowed to try it but he must not fail. That’ll learn ‘em. Heh heh.

In less than four seconds Thanoth cracks open the vault successfully.

Vader is nonplussed. As far from plussed as you can imagine! Thanoth has his reasons for cracking the keypad code as fast as he did, all of which are super boring and nerdy and not worth even mentioning here.

“You are… talented and persistent, Thanoth,” Vader compliments with the air of someone who is about 4 seconds away from decapitating a bitch with a lightsaber.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #10

Let the showering of smooches commence!

Thanoth accepts the compliment and, of course, reminds Lord Vader that this persistence will help him uncover the core of crime! And also whodunit. “I will have to do this alone,” Thanoth tells him. “You cut a somewhat noticeable figure, Lord Vader… I also suspect the final step will involve a certain brutality. When the time comes, we must be ready to move with force.”

Vader just stares at him, probably popping a little stiffy over the word “force”, and then tells him to carry on. Then he says some vapid pseudo-intimidating shit and walks away.

On Naboo, in one of those cozy Nabooian royal homes, Commodex Tahn enjoys a lovely evening drink next to his faithful protocol droid WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HIS HOUSE GETS BOMBED! LOL!

“Defenses down. Destroy the droids. Shoot up the place. Stun only when you’re in range of the target. We need him alive.” Aphra storms the house with a small army of droids while Tahn runs to get his oversized gun. Lock and load, baby. *Clint Eastwood snarl*

Tahn doesn’t really get to use his gun much before BT-1 melts the sucker right in his hands. Aphra finds this less than amusing, but at least Tahn is alive. “Find whatever safe he has,” Aphra orders. “Get it open, Beetee. Clean it out. We need to make this look like a robbery.”

Tahn looks disgruntled!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #10

I SAID SHUT UP! *knocks Tahn in the face so hard with the butt of a gun that he poops out his teeth*

When addressed as “Commodex Tahn”, the guy looks confused. Bewildered, even. Perplexed, you might say. Aphra tells him that you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool her into thinking that you ain’t Commodex Tahn, chief! Like, 7:45am. “You prepared Senator Amidala’s body for burial. We need your fond nostalgic memories of that sad time.”

Tahn is like “no way Jose” and stands his ground! Queen Amidala shat out diamonds and ambrosia and no one is going to sully her memory with betrayal and, er… nostalgic memories!

These two, Aphra and Tahn, they exchange some words about morality and honor and other useless horseshit. Between growing up in a galactic war and a bitter divorce between her parents, Aphra didn’t have much room for staying innocent. “The thing with wars,” she says, “if the war doesn’t get you, all the scum opportunists profiting from the chaos will. Raiders came in. Mom told me to run. I did. But I came back with this awesome cannon I found in a cave I was exploring and blew them all to pieces. I saved everyone.”

Aphra talks some more unprompted because that’s exactly what people tend to do in these hostage situations. Tahn apologizes for her less-than-ideal situation, but she tells him to stuff it. Everyone has a sob story. It was a war, dingus!

Amidala might have been a good queen, but she wasn’t a strong queen, was she? Strong beats good and weak any day! It’s like rock, paper, scissors only “strong” is the dynamite that blows it all up real good.

“Amidala was good and strong,” Tahn insists.

“Not strong enough,” replies Aphra.

Aphra orders O-O-O to torture the guy until he is willing to talk. O-O-O tortures the guy until he is willing to talk.

“Amidala’s hologram when she was buried made her appear she was still pregnant. But you, Mr. Mortician, were one of the very few people who had access to the body. You know the truth.”

Yeah! She was just fat! Cow City! Mooo!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #10

TELL ME WHERE AL CAPONE IS BURIED! WHERE IS THAT FAT PIECE OF SHIT?

Hey Tahn, just confirm that Amidala had a son, ok? Amidala had a son who was taken away and let’s just cut to the chase here before O-O-O continues sticking his rusty razor-blade penis attachment into your fingernails.

Tahn confirms what Aphra already knows. Aphra thanks him for his services to the Great Almighty Empire of Pancakes and has O-O-O kill him. *dusts off hands*

O-O-O thinks they could have tortured Tahn for more information, but Aphra doesn’t need to know any more than she does: that some little pantswetter son of Queen Amidala is out there somewhere jerking off into a sock. “Vader’ll be glad to know the full story.” And then they fuck on out of Naboo and into our hearts.

Later, on Anthan Prime, Aphra reports what she has learned to Vader. Vader is like “cool”.

“…anything else on the to-do list, Lord Vader?” she asks. And yeah, we need to find the Death Star Blower-Upper. No shit and for real this time. Some Imperial officer is trying to find him too, and they need to find him first so they can, I don’t know, have a party. “The Ante was hinting he knows a lot. If Imperial intelligence has a lead, I’ll bet he’ll have better.” Vader huffs and puffs and takes out his inhaler. “You have the funds. Arrange a meeting. Offer what is required.”

As a side note, that Thanoth motherfucker is really getting in the way lately.

“Anything to worry about?” Aphra asks.
“I have no fears,” Vader responds. “He suspects nothing.”

Zoom into a fucking tracking device on Vader’s helmet.

Final Thoughts

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST BUG DARK LORD VADER AND GET AWAY WITH IT? He will say really mean things to you and then you’ll be sorry.

Vader really cares about finding this Death Star kid. Maybe he should’ve been home throwing the ol’ baseball around when he was a kid instead of Dark Lording in the galaxy like he has something to prove (tiny penis).


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All-Star Superman, Issue #10 – “Neverending”

* Part 10 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #10 – “Neverending”! As in, this shitty limited series is never ending. In the previous installment, a couple of arrogant blowjobs from Krypton, who happen to still be alive after floating through space for decades or something, decide to mosey on over to Earth where they intend into Kryptonize the fair city of Metropolis. Superman is like “DON’T IMPOSE YOUR CULTURE ON THESE INNOCENT PEOPLE” and slaps them like Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

SO THEN WHAT? Well, Bar-El and Lilo are their names and getting weaker because of passing through toxic kryptonite clouds is their game. lol. So even in the yellow sun their shit is falling apart, so in a blatant act of plot-holing, Superman sends them to the Phantom Zone to recover and he’ll bust them out some day (he won’t).

There was a TO BE CONTINUED, which means there’s more of this story? Kill me now please!

All-Star Superman, Issue #10 [May, 2008]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Neverending”

All-Star Superman, Issue #10

WHAT IS THIS NOW?! Holding up the Earth like that? Does this comic lay claim that Superman is GOD? I have a bunch of pamphlets here that say otherwise, fool. Namaste and amen.

At 7:02am, Superman lifts a school bus across the Pyramids of Giza. Then he visits a children’s ward of a hospital for some reason. Both these things happen for some reason.

At 11:25pm, Superman tearfully records his final will and testament. He sits in an uncomfortable stone chair and ponders laboriously. “There’s so little time left now,” he says, counting down the literal seconds before he keels over and dies hilariously. “The end is getting closer and there’s still so many things I’ve yet to achieve.”

1) Fuck Mars

2) Marry Jupiter

3) Kill Saturn

“The time-traveler Samson told me I’d complete twelve legendary super challenges before my death. I would answer the unanswerable question, overcome the tyrant sun, Solaris… even create life…”

These sure are some groovy SUPER challenges! Overcome the sun! Ha! Good luck! It’s what killed you, remember dingus? Hello?

Superman reckons he has accomplished seven super challenges so far. Five left to go. Let’s hop to it. Bucket list this bitch.

At 10:25am the next morning, Superman’s little city in a bottle Kandor, the council members prepare for a historic moment (the hilarious death of Superman?) while Superman watches through the glass and jerks off. Quintum bounds into the room dressed like a superhero; Authentic Kryptonian Formal Wear! Courtesy of nose-picker Jimmy Olsen.

Van-Zee of Kandor has signaled to Superman that they’re ready for Quintum. Ready for what? For him to squat over the glass and lay a big fat turd? It’s not like he’ll be much more influential or prophetic or anything like that. Look at the nerd, he looks like he’s going to hurt himself, you know, falling down a canyon.

Superman shrinks Quintum down to Kandor-civilian height and wishes him luck. WHY DOESN’T SUPERMAN JUST EMBIGGEN THE CIVILIANS OUT OF THE GLASS?! FUCK! THAT’S A GREAT IDEA!

All-Star Superman, Issue #10

Seriously though, there’s still time for a big, stinky dump all over the glass. It’ll be funny!

Quintum joins the Kandor council to discuss their favorite Family Matters episodes. A guy in green is like “HURF DURF AN EARTHMAN HAS NEVER JOINED OUR SECRET SPECIAL COUNCIL BEFORE HUUURRRGG” and then a guy in purple is like “thank you for joining us.”

Qunitum has some stuff to say about Superman’s FAILURE, for lack of literally any other word, to fix the city of Kandor and its citizens. I guess years of staring at it like a fishtank wasn’t good enough. “If you’ll hear me out, I may have a simple solution to your predicament.”

Simple, eh? And the smartest man on Earth couldn’t figure it out? The dude deserves to die.

At 12:01am, Superman continues his last will and testament. He basically launches into a soliloquy about how useless the humans are without him. Then he created an alternate Earth called “Earth Q” where he could study an Earth without Superman. He made Earth Q cube-shaped, which already adds an unnecessary variable to the equation. Smartest man on Earth indeed.

At 4:35pm (I’m assuming this whole dumb sequence is happening consecutively), Superman arrives at the site of a giant robot alien monster zombie pirate ninja invasion. “He tore the site apart looking for this — then just dropped it when the reporter got in his way. We thought it was some kind of time capsule. But see the date!”

“2312?” says Superman, slack-jawed. “A time capsule from the future, buried in the past?” Superman tries to get a glimpse inside the lead box with his x-ray vision (SCIENCE DISPUTE: x-rays don’t go through lead), but then the giant robot alien monster whatever returns with Lois Lane in its grasp!

All-Star Superman, Issue #10

Oh ho ho ho, no, that’s German for “The Superman, The!”

Superman is all “LOIS!?” and Lois is all “Uhm.”

“I AM THE TRUE MAN OF STEEL!” proclaims, what I can see with my own two eyes, a true man of steel, that’s for sure. “THE AUTHENTIC MAN OF TOMORROW! DO YOUR WORST.”

Superman plows through the head of this thing, splintering it into 100,000 pieces of shrapnel and revealing a Bernie Sanders-looking madman at the helm. “AAAAAAA!!” he wails.

“He’s on some wild electronic goose chase for Luthor,” Lois explains as Superman returns her safely to the ground. “It’s barely a story, Superman. The guy has Alzheimer’s.”

Lois urges Mr. Superb Man not to fly away just yet! Just so you know, Lois got in Machano-Man’s way on purpose to get your attention! Wubba lubba dub dub! Did it work?? “What does that say about how much we need to talk? Why don’t you want to talk?”

Um, ‘cause toots, stringing more than five words together makes his brain shut down and temporarily become a big pile of spaghetti. But, checkmate motherfucker, Lois knows that you’re dying of acute yellow sun exposure sickness radiation syndrome-itis! Superman looks to the fashionably-garbed Quintum, who cops to spilling the beans. It happened by accident, he swears! The conversation just went there. All like “Does this shawl make my big fat butt look fat?” and then I couldn’t help but respond with “NNNYYYAAAHHHHGGG SUPERMAN IS DYING LOL!”

All-Star Superman, Issue #10

No.

Superman conveniently starts hearing another damsel in distress, so he flies away. It’s some Hot Topic goth chick about to leap off a building. Alternative girls are the most troubled, you know. It’s science. Anyway, he stops her. Yawn.

At 11:00am (I get it, it’s out of sequence. I’m not putting extra effort into keeping it all together), Quintum talks to the round table of colorful Kandorians to lay out his idea to bust them out of Miniature Hell. None of them want to leave, they want their city and their culture to be preserved. One dude is like “BUT THE YELLOW SUN WILL GIVE US SUPERMAN POWERS, DOESN’T THAT SOUND POSITIVELY ENTICING?” but one called Than-Ar is like “as if!” “We will lose everything that makes us what we are.”

Yeah, ok sweetie. The adults are talking now. Time for a vote. All in favor of a pizza party, say “yay!” If you want anchovies, say “yee!” And–

“Van-Zee! Wait!” yells a loudmouth dressed like four others standing around him. “We understand Superman’s life is in jeopardy. We five of the Kandor Emergency Corps have a plan to save him. Will you lead us as you once did, Van-Zee?”

There’s always some altruistic bullshit in these Superman comics. Just once can’t someone be like “you’re interrupting my burger.”

At 1:36pm, Superman has repaired every single one of Earth’s bridges. All 150,000,000,000 of them.

All-Star Superman, Issue #10

You missed a spot.

Some other stuff happens at different times. Superman counts his DNA, or so it seems. The inhabitants of Earth Q look up at their god and point. At 5:13pm, Superman goes to Metropolis’ version of Alcatraz and fesses up to Lex Luthor that he’s dying. Superman’s dying, not Luthor. Luthor is as spry as a nubile, young, taut boy. “The world is yours, at least for the three weeks you have left before they execute you.”

Oh joy and yippee. Thanks for handing over this gay Earth that sucks. Superman challenges him to fix the world like he always said he would. Make it better, smartypants, I dare you.

“Lex, I know there’s good in you,” Superman says.

Luthor makes a face suggesting that he just farted and that the fart smells rotten.

At 11:59:59:980pm (!), on Earth Q, some hippie lady preaches outside some sort of pantheon.

At 9:10pm, Superman sprays the lead box with eyeball fire and reveals a hologram in a sphere. “GR8TNGS SPRMAN @ 2C!” the hologram says gratingly. “U DUNNO I – I DUNNO U GET I N-LISH TOK. I ROO MAC2 SPR-SCI-IST @ 24c. GR8-GR8-GR8EST GRANMO @ 21C OH LIFE 2 U, I 2 U I OH.”

Fuck this so hard, dude. The hologram says more but I have a headache and I’d rather jab a fork in an electrical socket and then pee on the fork than read more of it. At the end of it, Superman makes a contorted face of consternation and says “Solar Intelligence Systems”. lmao

At 11:20, Superman completes his eighth challenge: copying his entire eight-billion letter DNA code sequence into a book for Quintum so that he can use it to clone more Supermen. It only took Superman about 45 seconds to do it, which really ate into his squatting-over-a-bidet time.

At 6:45, Van-Zee’s team fails to fix Superman’s cells within his bloodstream. Oh well! Superman ain’t mad. He’s actually happy they tried! Thanks, tiny buddies. As a thank you, he sends them over to the children’s ward from earlier to save them from cancer, probably.

In the end, at midnight, Superman gives Lois Lane the headline of the century. It will surely make her a few smackaroos.

“SUPERMAN DEAD”

Final Thoughts

WHAT A TRIP. This one was actually good with the out-of-sequence storytelling. Thanks, Issue #10!


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