The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 45: “Blademaster”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

This is one of those GOOD chapters that I’ve been waiting for! Nynaeve, Min, and Elayne stake out the streets waiting for a sul’dam and a damane to walk by. When one does, Nynaeve goads Min into revealing to her as much as she knows about how damane are treated. Min does such a good job that Nynaeve completely Hulks out and, with one quick burst of saidar-fueled energy, snaps open the damane’s collar. You go gurl. Once the damane realizes what just happened, she punches that sul’dam cunt right in the jaw and books it. Next, the three young women gag the sul’dam with a rag, throw a sack over her head, and drag her off the street and to a shed.

After Nynaeve hits the saidar button again, she detaches the bracelet from the sul’dam’s wrist and cuffs it to her own wrist. She also removes her dress and puts that on as well. She then snaps the collar on the sul’dam’s neck and tests out her new sul’dam powers by making the new damane writhe in agony for a few seconds. Nynaeve says she didn’t enjoy it, but she’s a liar.

The sul’dam is named Seta, and Nynaeve is scaring the poop right out of her ample rectum. Elayne was going to wear the collar, but now they’re having none of that. They keep Seta chained and tell her that she needs to do everything they say or else it’s shock collar time. Off they go to do whatever it is they’re going to do. Oh yeah, free Egwene. I forgot about her!

Domon waits on the ship for the women. By God, he’ll wait until he can’t wait no more!

There’s still a lot more chapter left! Rand and his knuckleheads, the Five Who Will Ride Forth or some shit, enter Falme and make themselves at home. Hurin can smell Padan Fain’s filthy Doritos stench in the air. They pass by a large manor and Mat’s Spidey Sense starts tingling: the dagger is in there! He can feel it in his many bones! Ingtar has no use for dagger hunting, he’s here for the Horn. Rand says they can kill two birds with one stone because, hey, the Horn and the dagger are together anyway and Fain probably didn’t separate the two. Ingtar leads a break-in, which Rand is against, and they sneak up to the second floor of the manor where they find a room with the Horn and the dagger on pedestals like it’s a fucking video game. Mat grabs the dagger, Ingtar grabs the Horn, we can all go home to our *say it with me, everyone* TV DINNERS! Yeah!

Hurin and Rand look out the window and see, in distance, a swarm of sul’dam/damane and, impossibly, recognizes Egwene as one of them. She’s gone by the time anyone else looks out the window. Rand wants to save his main squeeze, but HIGH LORD TURAK shows up dismayed that his precious Horn and dagger are off the pedestals. When one of Turak’s guards reaches for them, Mat slashes him with the dagger, which promptly causes the guard’s skin to blacken and swell until death by choking on his big, fat, black tongue.

Turak fights Rand, but since Rand practiced his sword techniques for exactly three days, Rand wins handily. Turak dies like this: *bleh*

With the Horn in Ingtar’s hot little hand, he insists that they leave and never look back. Rand refuses. Saving Egwene is the next task, butthead. Take your Horn and blow it! So to speak.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “Teenage Wasteland (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 4 of the Teenage Wasteland storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “Teenage Wasteland (Chapter 2)”! In the previous installment, the parents have regrouped and assessed the full situation with their hooligan children and now are looking to come up with a plan to either murder them or frame them for murder or murder themselves and frame them for it. It’s unclear at this juncture, but I’m excited to see what creative ideas they come up with!

The kids are out of their league. After deciding that they shouldn’t starve to death while out on the lam, they scrape together about 18 bucks to go buy some shit at a convenience store. Shame that it was getting robbed at the time, though, but after chasing away two of the robbers, the third one was like “no please don’t I’m just like you” and Alex is like “ok” so now this kid is joining their team.

Right? Right.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [January, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Teenage Wasteland (Part 2)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #8

Los Feliz, California – 1:49am

“Wait, you guys are superheroes? Like the Avengers?” This kid that they tackled in the convenience store has a very large eyebrow ring because this is 2004.

“Yep!” answers the floating, ethereal Karolina Lucy in the Sky.

“No,” answers the frowny, petulant Chase Talkback.

“Sort of,” pipes in Alex Dorkus. Sister Grimm points out the inconvenient fact that their asses are busted if the police show up, so time to grab some food and book it. The new kid is named Topher, and although Alex invites him back to their hideout, Talkback talks back. “Hey, who said this punk could come back to my hideout?”

Alex tells him that it’s not his hideout anymore. It’s the Runaways’ base. And they should extend a helping hand! Talkback argues, and rightfully so, that this fucking asshole just tried to rob the store. He says this as he grabs a bunch of snacks, eager to rob the store.

Nope! The other two robbers were Topher’s parents. They made him come! And he wants to get away from those jerks. Anyway, there’s no more time to argue, anyway. Here comes the fuzz! Cheese it!

“Hold on,” Topher says as Sister Grimm grabs his arm. “All of your parents are evil, too?” So now there’s some exposition dialogue where Lucy in the Sky catches Topher (AND YOU, THE DEAR READER) up on the 411. I’m not going to do it here because, from my very informative posts, you should have every single detail memorized.

The group piles into the van. Talkback drives away. The fuzz are hot on their heels.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Get me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.

Sister Grimm uses her magic staff to create plumes of crimson smoke from the back of the van. The two cop cars SKREEEE-KERASSSH into each other, hopefully killing all of the cops brutally! I kid, I kid. Or do I?

“She’s pretty hardcore, huh?” Lucy in the Sky says to the impressed, poorly-named Topher. “Sister Grimm is actually the daughter of two sorcerers. What kind of bad guys are your parents, Topher? Androids? Demons? Android demons?”

Neither. You see, they work at a power plant and then something happened in the power plant and now they’ve got Super Power Plant Powers. And they went crazy and nuts and got fired, so now they rob stores for cash. Cool, huh? “They said they’d kill me if I didn’t help them.”

Sounds aces, sir. Looks like you’re a liability, then! “kicks kid out of the van*

Sister Grimm is empathetic and offers Topher Grace to crash at their pad until the heat dies down, you dig? Radical.

The Wilder Residence, Los Angeles, California – 2:13am

Mr. Wilder is searching through HotBot or whatever people used in 2004. Mrs. Wilder comes in with a bundt cake that the neighbors left on the porch as a “sorry your kid was framed for murder” gift. Mr. Wilder will eat some hella bundt cake later, but right now he’s been sent surveillance footage from the convenience store. It seems that ALEX *points to screen* whipped out his penis at 1:39am *points to screen* and peed on Chase *points to screen* and then, also, we know where they sort of are.

Mrs. Wilder is wild with incredulity! “They kids are still in California? I thought they’d be halfway to Canada by now!” Right? Kids are stupid. Anyway, if they’re looking to play superhero, then they’ve got another think coming. Yes, the term is “think”, not “thing”. Learn something once in a while.

Anyway, they’ve got to find them before some other asshole villain does…

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Don’t make me drop a meteorite on your ass.

”The Hostel”, Bronson Canyon, California – 2:24am

The kids return from whence they came. Topher is about to jubilate about how positively tits their hideout is when the Resident Dinosaur attacks! Arsenic tries to stop him, but he won’t listen to her thoughts! Thoughts like “stop it!” and “I don’t really mean it lol!”, perhaps.

Then Bruiser walks in all like “I got this” and picks the dinosaur up like it was a sack of flour without any flour in it. “So, you guys bring back burritos?” she asks, eyes still glowing violet.

Topher is like, shit, you guys have a dinosaur too? I ain’t got a dinosaur! That’s tits!

“You have an earring in your eyebrow,” Bruiser points out. “Are you in a band?” Molly/Bruiser must not be used to, um, alternative lifestyles. We’re talking piercings and tattoos and mittens pinned to sleeves. She will, however, grow up to marry Wolverine so you better keep your mouth in check if you know what’s good for you, Tophy.

So Alex continues to introduce Topher to the team. Arsenic is also less than happy that there’s a new kid on the premises, but hey, maybe they can run a refugee camp for whiny teenagers. Sister Grimm offers Topher a tour, and Alex wants to join, but Sister Grimm tells him to butt the fuck out, son. Alex is left thinking that they’re probably going to bone, which is funny to me because Alex sucks and this Topher kid seems way cooler. He’s got an earring in his eyebrow.

Lucy in the Sky puts her diabetes wristband back on and assumes her less-than-incandescent human form. She encourages the group to keep a tight lip on her whole alienness around Topher lest he freaks out even more. Maybe she has a thing for Topher too, since the eyebrow piercing makes him a Bad Boy. “If he says anything, just tell him I’m a mutant.”

K. Let’s see what Topher and Sister Grimm are up to…alone…

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #8

You said it, sister.

And yes, she has the room to herself. That’s the way she likes it.

“Why, you doing something in here you don’t want them to see?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Right on. Topher notices the cut on her forearm, which alarms him, but Nico insists that it’s no biggie. She just cut herself to get her staff out of her body is all! Routine shit. But she doesn’t tell him this, she keeps things close to the vest. Topher thinks she’s a cutter, which embarrasses her into spilling the beans.

“Man, I don’t know how you guys have adjusted so quickly to the fact that your parents are… you know,” Topher slumps pathetically on the bed. “It’s like, growing up in Cali, you hear about Doc Ock and Venom and the Punisher and whatever on TV, but they always felt far away and… make-believe.” That’s because it is all make-believe, Topher, you idiot. Buy a comic book once in a while.

Nico tells Topher to buck up, buttercup. Maybe there’s a still a chance that his parents can reform! Her parents are a lost cause, though. Evil sorcerers, remember?

Topher says that he’s been wanting to run away from his parents since he was 12. And now that he has, he wants things back to normal (i.e. this kid is equivocating like a motherfucker).

They start to lean in for a kiss, but Nico (rightfully) stops him. There will be no nookie until they hit another topic: she has a thing for Alex. Topher, racistly, is like “he’s your type?” Nico, racistly, is like “he’s not.” It doesn’t matter, they still shouldn’t kiss.

Topher is like, “no, we’re going to anyway, ho.”

And then they kiss. And Nico is surprised. And then she likes it.

And then Alex is spying on them from behind a painting like a total creep.

Final Thoughts

Nico’s gonna get something else stuck in her today ifyaknowwhatimean.


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Angel: After the Fall, Issue #4 – “After the Fall (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Angel: After the Fall, Issue #4 – “After the Fall (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Angel is going to single-handedly go up against all the Lords of all the various Los Angeles suburbs and destroy their champions and become the Lord of Everything. He’s got two days to prepare, which really means he has two issues to prepare. So expect that.

Anything else? No.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #4 [February, 2008]
Written by: Bryan Lynch / Joss Whedon
“After the Fall (Part 4)”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #4

As usual, Angel’s fightin’ some biznatches in the rain. This is a flashback to the fight that occured before L.A. got apocalyptical. Angel hopes Connor got far away fast enough. Angel wonders where Spike went. Angel wonders where Gunn went. Angel wonders where Gunn was in the first place. “He’ll be fine. No. He was dying.”

During the fight, Angel falls off a building and lands on a car like a doofus. While he lies broken and bleeding, insomuch as a vampire of his distinction can, Wes approaches him looking sharp and possibly ghostlike!

“Gunn got pulled away in the fight.” Angel huffs and puffs. “We have to–”

“Angel,” Wes bends down to a knee.

“You weren’t there. Trust me, he needs–”

“Angel. I’m sorry.”

…

Angel lies his head down on the concrete. “So am I.”

Flashforward to the present day, where Angel and Wes are trying to speak an incantation from a large, scary book in order to heal a nasty wound on Angel’s abdomen. “Ts’nad hc-iz t’guerhr ev! Nella!” Hey, that’s my personal credo! It means “My internet is down again.”

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #4

Dear, we promised not to say H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.

With a rousing “snem’ed!” a flash of violet light appears on the wound. Angel writhes in pain like a doofus. And now that THAT’S taken care of, we can move onto brass tacks: how the fuck is Angel going to single-handedly beat a whole team of mutant jerks?

“Why’d you do it?”

“It’s what you wanted,” Angel replies. “We’re prepared. We’ve planted seeds.”

“Didn’t answer my question.”

“I want out of Hell.”

Always thinking of others, eh? Picking a fight with demons is going to accomplish that, ruining the world for everyone else? Lording it up, is that what you want? For shame, sir.

“I’m alive. I’m breathing, I’m sweating, I’m aching from fights that occurred two months ago,” Angel whines. “It’s what I’ve always wanted.”

Fine. Shut up. Wes has to remind the guy that, for all intents and purposes, Angel is a human now. And big, scary occult books with weird words with random apostrophes aren’t supposed to be used on humans. Scary shit will happen, like schizophrenia or an interest in anime. Most of all, Angel needs to call off the fight. Now.

“But…” Wes stares at the shirtless doofus. “…you won’t.”

Ding ding ding ding ding! He won’t, all right. And furthermore, w–

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #4

No double nookie for Wes today!

Ahhh! Suddenly, two beautiful, ethereal women in flowing white dresses appear in the room. One with pink hair, one with seafoam green hair. Wes thinks it’s angels of heaven ready to whisk him away before he’s even ready. But they don’t give two shits about Wesley “Nerd Glasses” Wyndam “Nerd Glasses” -Pryce. They came for Angel.

The two women goad Angel to walk into the light. The light. The light… blue Acura. The light blue Acura. In the shitty parking garage.

So he does, and he drives away while his dragon, staked outside, glares. Then follows. Meanwhile, Gunn is also staking out atop another building. The minute the dragon leaves, Gunn makes his move…

*falls off of building, splattering himself on the pavement, the end*

Well, that doesn’t happen, but something happens! We’ll see it later, of course. For now, let us return to Spike’s pad where a demon is asking to speak to his Lord about Angel’s challenge. Spike says he’s co-Lord and can deal with any Lordly matters adequately. The shark-faced demon doesn’t wanna talk to Spike, so he presents him with something called a Hagun Shaft that he would like Spike to pass along to his real Lord. Only eight exist in the universe. “All the Lords have one. Just a little somethin’ in case here freezes over and Angel wins, kind of over your cute little head. Give it to Illyria, she can handle it. Take care, little guy.”

Spike’s side piece, Spider, wonders who from their cabal will go up against Angel. Spike doesn’t care. He wants to stay out of it. Let the doofus fight his fight with whomever wants to fight the fight. Fuck it.

Spider goes on to tell Spike that all the other ladies wanted to “end him”. He was loud and scrawny and Blue Fred / Illyria was “a tad unstable”. Spider told them to spare Spike, and now they all follow him! He stepped up! So step up again now, damnit!

No.

“I know you have a bond with Angel,” she continues. “I know it’s deeper than you admit. But you’re not responsible for him.” If the Lords kill him, things go back to status quo. If Spike kills him, then it’s gravy and bonus points!

Spike starts considering it.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #4

Gods do play dice with the universe, but they’re too stupid to know the rules.

Back in the light blue Acura, Wes continues to to fret about the impending fight. The women insist that there’s nothing to worry about! Everything’s going to be ok! They drive to Silver Lake, where everyone is friendly and says hi and it must be a regional reference that no one outside of Los Angeles will get!

“I’m surprised he wants to see us,” says Angel.
“I don’t trust it,” says Wes.

“I do feel… oddly confident.”

Ahh, it’s Lorne. I forgot about Lorne. The green guy with the horns. He’s wearing a very fancy and decorated formal military uniform. “Angel-Cakes!” he jubilates, giving him a hug. He tries to lean into Wes for a hug, but Wes is less-than-corporeal at the moment. “Stuck in that suit for eternity,” Lorne grimaces. “Wolfram & Hart’s cruelest act yet.”

Ha ha ha. Comic relief. Wank me off, sir. So, Angel didn’t know that Lorne wanted to ever see him again for reasons I don’t fucking remember anymore. I mean, Jesus, I completely forgot about this Lorne guy in the first place. He walks Angel to a restraurant where a flying little imp hovers over a glowing ball of light. “I always keep an eye on my friends. The ones I can find, anyway. Connor, even Spike.” Angel is hard to find since Wolfram & Hart put up some sort of magic guards and Angel never leaves the building, but hey! He’s here now, ain’t he?

“Challenging the Lords, Angel. Really? Not feeling dead enough?” Lorne knows because he, himself, Lord of Silver Lake, was invited to produce a champion. “I told them to go screw.”

Too bad, though, that Lorne promised not to get involved at all anyway. That means no helping either.

Angel: After the Fall, Issue #4

Good old Groosalugg. Mr. Silver Lining.

However… he can… er… point him in the right direction.

Groosalugg descends from the heavens on a large, black Pegasus. He is so happy to see Angel and Wes! “Oh, this is the day of days!”

Angel and Wes are beside themselves with… something…

“Un-Lord Lorne tells me you’re going to re-die in grand final battle against evil incarnate. Let’s see if I can scrape up an arsenal that will prolong your existence for a few moments!” Groosalugg claps Angel on the back. Angel smiles wanly.

Wes confronts Lorne. “You’re scared of me.”

Lorne, in so many words, says “yeah, kinda.”

Well, this is all Wolfram & Hart’s doing, whatever it is and for what reasons. “They’re the ones we have to worry about.”

Meanwhile, to make a long story short, Gunn and a couple of his cronies sneak into Wolfram & Hart’s building. Before blowing it to smithereens, Gunn recovers an old picture of him and all his happy buddies holding Baby Connor. Back when things were… simpler?

Anyway, they blow the Wolfram & Hart building to smithereens. Gunn smiles vampirely.

And, as a consequence, as Wes talks to Lorne, he slowly disappears into nothing. Much to Lorne’s astonishment.

“Wes? Um, Wesley? Wesley? I’m gonna be blamed for this, I know it.”

Final Thoughts

The plot thickens! Or thins, as the case may be. How will Wes get out of this non-existence pickle? Will they need to find the Talisman of Witherspoon in order to return Wes to his corporeal form?

I really wish Angel was single-handedly going to try taking down the champions. I want to see his ass bloodied to kingdom come.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 44: “Five Will Ride Forth”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand and Company are making their way to Toman Head. They pass through a village where Hurin can confirm Padan Fain had been; Fain smells like nine-week-old hard boiled eggs and stale BBQ Fritos. They hear some Whitecloaks in the distance and skedaddle away on horseback before they think they are noticed and/or followed.

The Whitecloaks in question end up being Geofram Bornhald with his boring-ass side story. He catches a glimpse of Perrin as they all rode off, recognizing him slightly. I don’t remember why this dude recognizes Perrin. Maybe they met in an ICQ chat room back in the day. The takeaway of the Bornhald portion of the chapter is that a) he tells his second-in-command Byar to hang back during the next battle against the Seanchan; he doesn’t expect to live through the battle and he doesn’t want to waste Byar’s life on such as something dumb like a Seanchan battle, b) Bornhald does remember Perrin and wonders whether he was the village blacksmith. Byar denies it, saying that the village blacksmith left over a month ago. Why this is important, I don’t fucking know. I still believe the chat room theory. And c) a Draghkar flies overhead unnoticed. Looking for blood. Or semen.

Later, on the campsite, Rand practices with his sword and Ingtar gives him shit for looking like a spaz. Perrin returns and reports that Padan Fain has moseyed on through the premises toward Falme. Ingtar, eating crow now that he believes Rand and Verin that Falme is the place to be, offers to bring Hurin into town to search for the Horn of Valere. Mat wants to go too since he wants the dang dagger back. Rand’s gonna go too because come on. Perrin and Loial want to go too, but since Perrin said it first, he gets to go, because there can only be five based on some prophecy that MAKES THE RULES. If Verin goes, then the sul’dam and damane will roast her like a fuckin’ pig on a spit. “Five will ride forth.” Name of the chapter, bitch. Deal with it. To illustrate this, Verin draws a circle in the sand with five spokes. She accidentally smudges it, breaking the wheel. It unsettles Rand because he’s easily disturbed like a wimp on a spit.

We’re reaching the home stretch here! Everyone converges to Falme! It’ll be one big happy reunion and they can treat themselves to some McDonald’s after the, you know, Darkfriend slaughter.


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Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Book II: Shadows and Secrets storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7 – “Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 1)”! Back at it with everyone’s favorite cuddly warmonger.

In the previous storyline, Vader meets a young pistol named Doctor Aphra and pretends to barely get along with her even though he’s obviously pleased. Emporer Palpatine has secretly ordered replacements to be trained up to take Vader’s position. The project is spearheaded by Cylo-V, a sort of humanoid robot. To make a long story short, Vader succeeds at not getting replaced, reinstating some of Palpatine’s trust and respect. Sorta.

Meanwhile, Boba Fett has failed handily at bringing in the whelp who destroyed the Death Star. But Vader learns that it’s his son. And now he REALLY wants to find him and shower him with kissies.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7 [August, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book II: Shadows and Secrets (Part 1)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Darth Vader stands on a rocky, sandy bluff of Tatooine. Staring at its two suns. Thinking about his one son. “What are we looking for?” asks the RATHER INSOLENT voice of Doctor Aphra from behind. “The place is dead. It’s been dead for weeks. No one alive. Nothing inside.”

Vader repeats that he’s looking for Luke Skywalker – He Who Blew Up the Death Star (HWBUDS). Where they are now is where he used to live before his aunt and uncle got killed. “There is perhaps a trace of his presence…” he says wistfully. Aphra is all like “yeah whatevs.”

Aphra appreciates the irony that, if Luke were still around the house when shit went down, there would still be a Death Star. Although I don’t really think that counts as irony. Not even really a coincidence, actually. “…but if the family wasn’t killed, maybe he’d never have left.” OK, there’s the irony!

Oh well, nothing to see here. Show’s been over for a long time. Let’s move on to bigger and better things!

Using their hyper-time-dilation GPS tracking system, Vader and Aphra find the spot where Luke and Boba Fett fought. Vader puts his hand up against the wall and sees visions of the ruckus. “He fended off the bounty hunter. The boy is strong in the Force…” Vader says in partial awe. “…but with little or no training.”

Vader scoffs at Obi-Wan Kenobi, who had twenty years to teach the boy anything, anything, and he didn’t get around to until like four days before he died. Oh well. Vader reiterates that there’s nothing to see, show’s over, let’s get the hell off this podunk shithole of a planet and never look back.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7

You brought a bomb? Might as well put it to use. Find an orphanage.

Now that things have gone south, Vader has nothing to do right now! And that means Doctor Aphra has nothing to do right now either! “I will have a task for you soon enough,” he assures her. “It is a matter of some delicacy.”

Ahhh, yes. I love a good delicacy! Hella Kobe beef. Dish it out, sir.

Elsewhere, on the planet of Son-tuul in the Outer Rim, some stuff happens! Namely, a bunch of aliens lost some cargo to the Imperials. It’s a story as old as time! In fact, this might have happened somewhere in first storyline but I don’t remember. Look it up for me, would ya? Make yourself useful.

Anyway, this main alien guy is not happy that the cargo is lost NOR that the Imperials are to blame. “The Imperials are trying harder? All this means is that you should try harder too.”

The other guy won’t have time to try harder, because the main guy grabs his head and readies to slit his throat… but then… as it turns out… against all odds… the guy has an Imperial tracker on his person…

BOOM! CRUSH! SPLINTER!

“It is pointless to resist,” says Darth Vader, who has literally crashed the party with his gaggle of stormtroopers. Then a fight ensues for about 45 pages. Just a mess of panels like this one:

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7

BAM BOOM KRRK WHOOSH WHISSH STAB STAB STAB SWISH SWISH MOO MOOOOOO.

It ends with Vader’s opponent getting eaten by one of its Hell monsters. We hardly knew ye. Vader ends it by sticking the pointy end of his lightsaber through the side of the monster’s head, presumably in its brain cavity. Dirty work, but someone’s gotta do it, and it ain’t gonna be Fred Flintstone! Yabba dabba doo! I’m having a stroke!

“Area pacified, Lord Vader,” reports one of his nameless stormtroopers, “as is the smuggler who led us here. Stray shot.”

“Unfortunate…” Vader replies, lyingly. “I suspect he had more information.”

Vader makes his way to a closed vault and instructs his team to open it. Inside is an enormous pile of… sticks? Silver and gold sticks? No idea. “Gather the contraband… it must be safely confiscated.” Vader says. Is this money? Did he find money? I’m not sure. Here’s what it looks like:

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Yeah, I don’t know either.

Vader later reports to a rather ornately-decorated Hutt. “The Rodian was a formidible competitor…” he says, and even those this is the 50th time I’m seein the word “Rodian” I still keep forgetting what they are and what they look like and where my big bottle of pills is. “Great Jabba will be glad he is no longer with us.”

Darth Vader is beside himself with disappointment in the Outer Rim planets, operating all willy-nilly. The Empire will keep cracking down on these rogue motherfuckers. Good good, yes yes. Jabba will continue to be pleased. He’s glad that there’s a mutual benefit to cracking down on these rogue motherfuckers. Namely, Vader cracks down on these rogue motherfuckers, and Jabba enjoys that these rogue motherfuckers are getting cracked down upon! Profits for Jabba are going up up up up!

“What the Rodian didn’t spend on his hunts he hoarded. That is years of profits your troopers are carrying…” says the ornately-decorated Hutt called Sutha as the troopers unload boxes full of those tasty-looking rectangles. He also asks for some intel on where the Empire will be taking them. Vader says “no” because this crackdown is not property of the Hutts! Booyah! Sutha is taken aback, but he slitheringly agrees. BUT, the enrichment of the Hutts IS a side-benefit to all this killing and looting, eh? Hint hint.

Still on Son-tuul, a large droid that looks like a tall fire hydrant barges in and kills some guy for no reason. He addresses a reptile-thing named Bossk. They shove off to a little makeshift fighting area where they find a Wookiee ready to compete. He’s like “GGRRRRRWWLL!” about it in shaky yellow letters! The group of shady-types discuss this Wookiee’s boldness and stupidity to volunteer in a fight to the death! His name is Krrsantan, and he’s big and scary.

Aphra enters the room to break the news that the Sun-tuul Pride (the clan which got handily destroyed by Vader and his stormtroopers) has been eliminated fully. “Their personal fortune is in transit to its new home in an Imperial vault,” she says, referring to those gold rectangles.

“I know exactly how it’s being transported, how to circumvent its guards and – most of all – how to get away. So, gentlemen and violent robots…”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #7

Hell yeah, sign me up! I like to be rich.

Final Thoughts

A DOUBLE-CROSSING SNAKE IN THE GRASS! Who da thunk it? Certainly not me! Except, yeah, I did indeed thunk it.

I like this lady! I hope she pulls a fast one on ol’ Darth Vader and he says a very loud “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!” like a wuss.


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