All-Star Superman, Issue #7 – “Being Bizarro”

* Part 7 of 12 of the All-Star Superman limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #7 – “Being Bizarro”! And I’m back at it after a brief break, having just subjected myself to New 52 Catwoman voluntarily. Yeesh.

In the previous installment, I don’t remember anymore! I guess my brief break was too long! Something about a chronovore and multiple Supermen. It’s was probably dumb and not worth remembering anyway.

This is supposed to be a good miniseries but it sucks! It sucks a lot and I feel ripped off, Grant Morrison, you aging bald jerkass.

All-Star Superman, Issue #7 [June, 2007]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“Being Bizarro”

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

Oh, look at the cover art. Bizarro Superman looks like a lumpy, wrinkled old man. Superman is beating up an old man! How noble! What’s next, kicking old ladies in wheelchairs down the stairs? What a menace to society!

Remember Mr. Quintum? Well, I barely do, but I can tell you that he’s looking for a “missing Bizarro technician” and if he doesn’t, then it’s CURTAINS for the lot of them. He and his assistant, whom I don’t remember whatsoever, are in an alternate reality called the Underverse. The conditions are shit, and it’s impossible to tell what the hell is going on. I blame the artist, a person they found in a McDonald’s dumpster scrounging for delicious rats.

“Tell them I think there may be a lifeform down here,” Quintum radios to, like, Ground Control, or something. “Something big. Coming closer.”

Meanwhile, Superman is fighting a space squid. In space! The squid suddenly floats away for reasons that are not readily apparent. Superman makes a really dumb “buhhhh” face, turns around, and heads back toward Earth. Suddenly, a big swarm of Bizarro beings intercept the caped crusader and sends Superman off-course into a cube-shaped Earth-like planet. Bizarro Earth! Oh snap, ladies and gentleman, the Cubes will rend Superman asunder! Verily!

Jimmy Olsen is at a party, dressed like a slob, with fat men like Perry White and scantily-clad women like whatshername from the Daily Planet building. Karen? Constance? Taylor Swift? Olsen looks out the window and sees humanoid objects entering Earth’s atmosphere and slamming into the ground with excessive, sexy force. “Guys, the holiday season just got bent,” he says like he’s Bart Simpson wearing sunglasses. “Chief! Everybody should proceed to the roof, I’m serious.”

Chief Perry Mason White doesn’t want to haul his obese ass to the roof! Far from it! It’s going to take more than a bunch of Bizarros to ruin this “fancy” Christmas par–

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

On second thought, maybe we should call it a night.

So a blank Bizarro slate grabs the fat woman’s face and Bizarros its way into a veritable lookalike contest. “Great Caeser’s ghost!” Perry White exclaims like a grandma from 1820. He starts smacking the shit out of the Bizarro with a fire extinguisher and politely asks Olsen to get in touch with *pulls out phone book* Superman.

Bizarro Fat Lady tries to attack a guy and falls out of the 17928-story window. The guy is like “don’t worry guys, she touched me but I’m immune to the persuasive powers of the Bizarro” while Perry White looks like he’s about to smack another bitch with the fire extinguisher. Olsen tries to get Superman on the horn with no luck (probably because he’s sucking dicks on the Cube Planet).

Bizarros are taking over the city. It’s not a pretty sight. All lumpy and misshapen. Enough to make a man cry.

A Superman-like figure crashes to the ground from the sky, but something… looks… off… about………… him.

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

Our hero!

Conveniently, the real Superman flies on down to Earth all like “EVERYONE IS SAFE NOW!” even though no one is fucking safe. Not by a long shot. Bizarro Superman breathes fire on him, but Superman is impervious to flames just like he is for bullets, blunt force trauma, drowning, falling air conditioners, and black holes. “I’LL TRY OUT ONE OF MY NEW POWERS!” Superman yells befuddlingly. Then he zaps Bizarro Superman with electricity.

He asks Bizarro Superman what the Bizarros want today. Bizarros never organize like this! They usually flounder around like fishes!

“AM NO WANT FIGHT YOU! WANT ALL YOU AM NO BECOME BIZARRO!” the thing yells, confusing us all. Elsewhere, Jimmy Olsen and his ragtag team of frightened Daily Planet employees scamper to the roof of the building while lumpy Bizarro creatures give chase. Olsen talks about hacking the commercial blimp network in case he needed to impress a girl. Can you imagine?! “The commercial blimp network”. I’m laughing at that. Nothing gets a woman horny like a blimp.

There’s a fucking blimp waiting for the them on the roof. They all board the blimp. A goddamned blimp, guys.

Bizarro Superman flies into space for, again, reasons that probably make sense to only the most stalwart of Superman fans. Olsen tries to get in touch with P.R.O.J.E.C.T. via his Apple Watch. Quintum is like, ugh, this little pisspants again? Fuuuck. Quintum tells the kid that they’re currently dealing with a planet eater (!) and that they’re trying to disguise itself as the Earth (?) and that the sun makes it nauseous so it’s only attacking Earth’s dark side (!).

Jimmy Olsen is like, ok, let’s just find some sunlight then. Badabing badaboom fuhgettaboutit.

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

Are you for real right now? What the FUCK are you even talking about?

Superman grabs the blimp and flies it to the side of a very, very cold mountain. A barely-dressed Lois wants Superman to wait up, but Superman is like “Sorry, Lois, I was tied up with the Nebulon Monsters from Planet Kurntz who are actively attempting to turn the nanobots into picobots in order to infiltrate our precious, delicate capillaries and steal blood for the Moon God of Earthly Delights.”

Perry White flags down Superman and tells him that Lombard here *jabs thumb toward jackass* seems to be immune to the touch of the Bizarros. Superman says “ok great!” and he sticks his dick in Lombard’s mouth. And then Superman requests a look inside him with his keen x-ray analysis powers. “Hmm. I can see what made you immune,” Superman says, eyes glowing blue. And then he implies that it’s Lombard’s viagra that is staving off the Bizarros. That gets another lol from me, friends!

Jimmy Olsen tells Superman that sunlight can hurt them. Because, you know, the sun and stuff. “I’m thinking… if we had a gigantic space mirror…” he says dumbly. “Couldn’t we reflect the sun’s rays across the Earth’s night hemisphere?” Olsen raises a finger smartly.

Superman sticks his stick in Jimmy Olsen’s mouth and then tells him that it’s a great idea. All they need is a GIGANTIC SPACE MIRROR, you fucking dingus. Superman’s idea is to move some of the Bizarro planet’s HUGE oceans! Olsen smiles like this makes any goddamned sense.

Lois tells Superman not to go, but he must! He says “Merry Christmas” and then bolts away like Uncle McTouchy-Feely after he’s caught fondling the children after Christmas dinner.

Superman flies to the Cube Earth and blows up a mountain. This somehow lights up Cube Earth and hits all the Bizarros with sunlight. Bizarro Superman is sad that the fight is over. Superman is like “believe it, buddy”. Go back to the underverse from whence you came, scum.

Apparently, the Cube Earth is now “burrowing into the cosmic sink beneath regular Earth’s universe”, which means the gravitational pull is increasing and the sunlight is receding to the red end of the spectrum, which means Superman’s powers are waning and disintegrating and disappearing and obliterating and sequestering. “Bizarro, I need your help or I’ll die here and leave my world in danger!” Superman cries. This is dumb.

Bizarro doesn’t want to help. End of story.

“But one in every 5 billion copies is flawed,” Bizarro mansplains. “Unique. Different. Not mindless like these shambling mockeries – but sensitive and self-aware. Suffering, alone in a world of confusion.

Superman asks who he’s talking about as a large figure looms over them.

All-Star Superman, Issue #7

*farts for an eternity*

Final Thoughts

This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read, holy shit. Why does every Superman comic have to be so mind-shittingly awful? Jesus.

See you next time, fun-lovers!


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 48: “First Claiming”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Falme is full of people running around all willy-nilly, scared and horny. Min frantically looks for her crew, but Eggy, Nynny, and Layney are nowhere to be found. She looks toward the harbor and doesn’t see Bayle Domon’s ship anymore (maybe). Then she finds a house that she is drawn toward due to her weird Sight and finds an unconscious Rand in the back garden. His hand is branded by the heron from the sword hilt. He has a cauterized wound on his side. He must be feverish, but that bitch is ice-cold!

Min drags Rand’s limp, 7’8″ body to a bed inside and covers him up. After Min realizes that Rand isn’t warming up, she’s like “I BETTER GET INTO THE BED WITH HIM” and then she knocks over nightstands and lamps and clocks leaping into the bed. She looks in his ramshackle face and starts monologuing about how she finds Rand so interesting in spite of literally everything about him. His appearance, his personality, his background, his lack of skills and talents, his breath that smells like sheep shit. Damn the Pattern and the Web and the Wheel and all the other forces that are bringing her to him! Damn them! DAMN! DAMN DAMN DAMN!

While Min fondles Rand’s balls, probably, Egwene is spotted in the doorway. Whoops! Egwene explains that she and Elayne were drawn to this room somehow. There’s a whole “WHICH WOMAN WILL RAND CHOOSE” conversation even though that’s a very boring conversation. Like, who gives a shit. I don’t. Rand can marry a bag of flour.

A voice from the door perks up Min after Egwene leaves. A beautiful woman enters the room dressed in all white (Selene, likely) and she reveals herself to be the dreaded Lanfear! Oh no! At least I think she’s dreaded. I don’t know much about Lanfear yet other than she’s bossy as shit. She tells Min that Rand’s HER man and she best stay away else she’ll shoot her in the face like Alec Baldwin. But… like… take care of him while she’s gone, k? Great.

Bornhald is dead! The end.


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Teenage Wasteland (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 4 of the Teenage Wasteland storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Teenage Wasteland (Chapter 3)”! In the previous installment, the kid from the convenience store robbery is named Topher and the crew scoops him up to join their own team. “Topher” is the worst name ever and I would’ve personally left him to get scooped up by the police and then judged by God!

Topher spends about two minutes in the hideout before he and Nico start sucking each other’s faces in Nico’s room. Alex spies on them through a painting on the wall! Scandalous!

Meanwhile, Alex’s parents have received the convenience store surveillance footage and know that their kid and his friends are hanging out near Los Feliz. A spanking is coming forthwith!

The Runaways have no real gameplan yet other than “run away” and “entangle themselves in relationship drama”, so I don’t think there’s going to be much more going on here in Issue #9 either. Call it a hunch.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [February, 2004]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Teenage Wasteland (Part 3)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #9

”The Hostel”, Bronson Canyon, California – 2:35am

Don’t these kids get any sleep? 2:35am? Why are we making out at 2:35am when we could be getting a GOOD NIGHT’S REST like normal out-of-control children?

Yes, Nico and Topher are locking lips while Alex is hiding six feet away. “Why?…” he whispers to himself, forgetting some easy answers like “why not” and “because you’re boring”.

“Topher, stop,” Nico says, pushing him away like so much rotting, stinking fruit. “This… this isn’t right.” Confusing teenage hormone stuff! The prospect of penises and vaginas CO-MINGLING really fucks a kid up like that.

“Ahem… Everything okay up here?” Alex has entered the room, glaring. Nico says everything is fine. Topher gets up to go to the bathroom right in his diaper. Also, he’s out of here to find a room. Bye.

“Nico, you and I need to talk,” Alex says, brow furrowed. He’s gonna lay down some MAN shit on her, probably. Like HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO A NICE GUY LIKE ME?! Pathetic.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group are getting themselves into some very exciting shenanigans.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Yeah, well, he’s working his way up to pentagons.

Talkback uses his gloves to create a fiery stick figure with a dress right as Topher enters the room. “GAHHH!” he is heard to yelp. “Did you see that?! It was some kind of… of flaming monkey!” And, of course, Talkback takes offense to this. “It wasn’t a monkey, new kid. It was a blazing samurai.”

Monkeys and blazing samurai aside, Molly/Bruiser is sleeping and everyone needs to pipe down while she snores and drools all over everybody. At least one kid is sleeping like she should.

What am I, the sleep police?

Yes.

“Speaking of which,” says Topher, “it’s almost three in the morning. When do the rest of you… rest?”

“I saw my parents kill a girl, and then I found a dinosaur in my basement,” Gert responds. “I haven’t slept in four days.”

Talkback’s got the right idea on his new routine: stay up until 7am, listen to Howard Stern, then sleep for nine hours. Fucking A, dude. A man after my own heart!

Topher goes to bed. Talkback is nice for a panel and assures Topher that they’ll find his parents. Good night, buttercup.

Back to Nico and Alex? *GRROOOAAN* Nico this, Alex that, Nico did something unforgivable, Alex knows, Nico asks why, Alex says he saw, Nico gets mad and accuses him of spying on her, Alex backpedals, Nico says that maybe she’s glad she kissed Topher, Alex is hurt, Nico disappears in a puff of smoke. We’ve all had this kind of interaction before.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9

You’re so cute when you’re waving around your terrifying crimson vape staff.

Now Talkback is sleeping along with Bruiser. Arsenic is annoyed. Alex pops in to ask Arsenic if she’s seen Nico. Arsenic is like “You mean Sister Grimm?” Alex tells her to shut the fuck up and huff puff he’ll find her himself. Thanks for nothing, Purple Hair.

Meanwhile, Nico hides by an upstairs banister, angrily spying on Alex. I love teenage drama, don’t you? Really gets me going.

Topher ambles the hallways and bumps into Lucy in the Sky in her own quarters. Topher apologizes. “I’ve been trying to find a place to sleep, but every room looks like it’s about to collapse in this wing.”

So he enters to room and they bond a little bit. Topher likes her Lucy in the Sky nickname because he likes the Beatles. Lucy in the Sky barely likes the Beatles and she barely listens when he keeps talking about the Beatles. Then she sniffs back tears.

Lucy in the Karolina tries to hold it back, but Topher in the Bedroom is curious. Alien shit, dude. There’s been a lot to take in over the last few days. “See, it’s not just my parents. I’m also trying to deal with the fact that I’m an al—a mutant. The fact that I’m a mutant.”

Oh, hot damn! Mutants are totally sexy! He tries to make her feel better, but she’s in full-on rant mode now. “And to make matters worse, I think I’m starting to… to fall for somebody here, but they’re already interested in somebody else.”

I’m fucking glad that she immediately denies it’s Alex, because that kid seriously sucks. It’s not Topher either, because he’s too new and he smells like old bologna. “But… maybe you are sorta cute? I guess?” She bites her lip. “I just want to feel normal, you know? I want something to feel the way it’s supposed to feel.”

Then she jumps his bones. Lays a wet one right on him. And now it’s Nico’s turn to be the spier!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Man, just give me two minutes alone in a room with Topher and I might just kiss him next.

“This isn’t… I don’t even know what’s going on. I was just trying to help Karolina deal with the face that she’s a mutant, and–”

“Oh. Is that what she told you she is?”

Whoops! Uh-oh! Shit’s going south fast! Before Nico has a chance to spill the beans, Karolina rips off her diabetes bracelet and because shiny and fly-y. “Be quiet!” she yells, blasting Nico with light. Topher’s getting nervous and tells her to relax, because that’s always a good idea. Telling a woman to relax.

Nico counters with a staff blast of mud to Karolina’s face.

“What is wrong with you?” Karolina asks.

“Me?! You’re the one kissing my guy!”

“Your guy? What about Alex? How many guys do you have?”

Heh, well, Topher picked a bad day to insert himself in this little drama club. Next, Arensic the Gert enters the room with her dinosaur. “Knock it the #*@% off! Have both of you gone completely insane-o?”

Karolina and Nico point to each other. “She started it!”

Gertsenic turns to Topher. “I don’t know how you sucked all the girl power out of this place so fast, sport, but maybe you should just–”

Eat a sandwich? Gert doesn’t get to finish. Nico starts screaming – the staff has lodged itself back in her chest. Karolina freaks out, but Alex now enters the room…

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #9

I’m burning this hellhole to the ground and taking you all with me.

“Nico and I figured out that her body reabsorbs her staff after every couple of uses.”

Cool story, bro. Nobody asked you to show up and MANSPLAIN everything, dude. Nico barrels out of there angry. Gert urges Alex not to follow her. Give her some space. Let her play a little hacky sack. Maybe some Nintendo. I know there’s one in this collapsed hotel somewhere, right? Who’s up for a little Super Mario Bros. 3? Eh? Eh?

Meanwhile, Alex’s parents are still poring over their computer, this time trying I identify the convenience store robbers. Perhaps two of them are mutants due to their strength, speed, and dashing good looks. The Drs. Hayes, with whom the Wilders are having a nice little Skype call, disagree. “These lowlifes probably just stumbled onto a cursed artifact, or… or a radioactive meteorite. You know, the usual.”

Feh. Wilder turns to Ms. Dean through a magic mirror, who resents the notion that they could be aliens. Aliens wouldn’t do piddling crimes like robbing 7-Eleven, come on now.

Feh. Wilder turns to Mr. Stein, who found out that there are fingerprints from 1939 on the recovered weapons.

Feh. Wilder turns to Mrs. Yorkes, who denies that time-travelers are responsible. “As far as I know, Dale and I are the only time-travelers who have pierced the fourth dimension during the last temporal phase.

Feh feh feh. The Minorus have an idea of what’s going on here. They turn to Wilder: “…but we don’t think you’re going to like it.”

We end with Topher following Nico through the woods. Alone. Nico apologizes for her behavior, but Nico tells her to think nothing of it. “Hey, you want to know a secret?” Topher smiles. “Those two people I was with at the Circle A… they weren’t really my parents, and they didn’t get their powers from some ‘industrial accident’.”

They, in fact, got their powers from Topher!

*dun dun dun*

Topher, who bares his teeth, showing razor-sharp vampire fangs…

Final Thoughts

Oh dags, dude, have we entered the Buffyverse? This is Los Angeles after all. Maybe Angel will show up and cry.


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Elf (2003)

Tagline:
This Holiday, discover your inner elf.

Wide Release Date:
November 7, 2003

Directed by:
Jon Favreau
Written by:
David Berenbaum
Produced by:
Jon Berg, Todd Komarnicki, Shauna Robertson

Starring:
Will Ferrell
James Caan
Zooey Deschanel
Mary Steenburgen
Daniel Tay
Edward Asner
Bob Newhart

Elf

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I saw this in freshman year of college, 2005. Back then, they had little offices where you could rent DVDs for free before the age of streaming. Good times.

I don’t remember a THING about Elf except that Zooey Deschanel had blond hair, which is the opposite hair color that I prefer Zooey Deschanel to have. Obviously, the movie barely left an impression. Let’s try again.

THE 600(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Once upon a midnight dreary — Christmas Eve, to be precise — Santa (Ed Asner) fucks up by accidentally stealing a baby from an orphanage. Instead of returning the baby to the orphanage like he should have, Santa instead opts to let the elves decide to raise the kid amongst themselves. “Papa Elf” (Bob Newhart) adopts him as his own child. His name is Buddy and he grows up to be 6’3″ Will Ferrell, full of energy and positivity and childlike glee. He struggles doing elf stuff, such as making toys quickly, and he overhears a conversation about how he’s actually a human. Papa Elf spills the beans on Buddy’s origin story: his dad is James Caan aka Walter, his mom is some lady who put him up for adoption, and he can find his family in New York City. Beautiful! Buddy sets out to New York City to find his dad and instill some Christmas cheer into the old grump’s withered heart.

Elf

You look like an idiot, Buddy. Put some green clothes on.

Upon arriving in NYC, Buddy gallivants around town making a public spectacle out of himself. Running into traffic. Eating gum off handrails. He happens upon the Empire State Building where Walter works, but is quickly escorted out by security who sarcastically tell him that, dressed up as an elf, Buddy should be at Gimbels department store. He takes the advice and gallivants around the store a bit before bumping into and meeting Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), a young woman working as one of Santa’s elves in the store. She really Zooey Deschanels her performance, I’ll tell you that much. You probably don’t have to use much of your imagination. Buddy “falls in love” in a very PG way even though Jovie has no reason whatsoever to reciprocate romantic interest. When Buddy learns that the mall Santa will start showing up the next day, he spends the whole evening alone in the store decorating. Too bad that the Gimbels Santa is a sham. An Artie Lange sham, if you will. Buddy makes a scene and gets sent to jail.

Walter bails Buddy out of jail for some reason and allows for an administration of a DNA test to confirm that Buddy is indeed his son. Buddy is indeed his son. Walter takes Buddy home to meet his family: wife Emily (Mary Steenburgen) and son Michael (Daniel Tay). Emily, because she’s possibly mentally challenged in some way, wants to take care of Buddy until he “comes to his senses”. Michael isn’t too keen on the overgrown elf, but he warms up Buddy after he helps him in a snowball fight against his bullies. Michael then plays wingman and gets Buddy to ask Jovie out on a date. She accepts for some reason, has a good time in spite of everything, and kisses him at the end of the date for reasons I cannot fathom.

SElf

Welcome to Gimbels where the elves are all sarcastically thrilled to see you!

Walter takes Buddy to work, where visiting best-selling children’s author Miles Finch (Peter Dinklage) gets belittled (ha!) by Buddy who mistakes him for an elf. Peter Dinklage kicks his ass. Casterly Rock! This causes Walter to hoot and holler at him, disown him, and throw his feces at him. Buddy is sad and leaves.

The last third of the movie is a bunch of Santa shit. Santa’s sleigh won’t work unless everyone believes in Santa. Well, no one believes in Santa. That is, until, everyone starts believing in Santa. Santa’s sleigh works when Walter believes in Santa. Walter isn’t mad at Buddy anymore. Buddy writes a picture book about himself, which Walter sells as part of his new publishing company. Buddy and Jovie get married and have a baby named Susie. They visit Papa Elf. Everyone has a good Christmas. L’Chaim.

Elf

Just wait until he rips a huge fart on ya, Papa Elf. And I’m not talking about the baby.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

I’m only slightly charmed by Will Ferrell’s antics in Elf. Ferrell can be very hit or miss for me, and seeing Elf for the first time after seeing Anchorman (which I didn’t like) but before seeing Old School (which I barely liked more) probably didn’t help. I thought trying it again about 18 years later with a more open mind would help, but I more often than not find Ferrell’s portrayal of Buddy the Elf annoying, and not in a good way. In fact, I spent a lot of time cringing. Call me a jerk, I don’t care.

I liked the part where he awkwardly ascended the escalator, though. That was funny!

Elf

Welcome to Gimbels where the elves are 6’3″ tall and afraid of escalators!

The romance subplot with Zooey Deschanel’s Jovie is bereft of chemistry, even for a light and heartfelt Christmas flick. Deschanel puts on her usual dry performance and I never really believe that she became somewhat infatuated with this 6ft-tall childlike elf and his off-putting social behavior. If I took a lady out on a date and she was running around the revolving doors of building entrance, you can bet your butt that I wouldn’t want to kiss her later. Unless she was extremely good looking. But even then? Pfft. Uh… maybe.

And are we just to accept that Mary Steenburgen’s Emily is willing to take in his husband’s bastard son, a grown-ass man who thinks he’s an elf? Oh no no no, I don’t think so. I would’ve smacked his tuchus with a frying pan and sent him on his merry way.

James Caan’s performance as Buddy’s biological father was great, though, and probably the most relatable character in the movie. I’d be acting the same way, with even less patience, about this weirdo dropping into my life. I like to think that Caan hated Ferrell’s performance and found him obnoxious both on and off the set. The irritation from his character was definitely real. I wouldn’t put up with Will Ferrell prancing around either. I would’ve smacked his tuchus with a baseball bat and sent him on his merry way.

Elf

Mmmm, syrupy spaghetti.

The absolute best part of the movie was the surprise appearance of Peter Dinklage as an arrogant best-selling children’s author who beats the shit out of Buddy for calling him an elf. Just imagine Tyrion Lannister jumping Sandor Clegane and chewing his ear off Mike Tyson-style for calling him an imp. Not that it would’ve disfigured him much more than he already had been! Will Ferrell could stand to lose an ear or two, though.

TOPIC 2 — Faizon Love

I didn’t get a screenshot of Faizon Love, but Faizon Love rules. End of story.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Several minor traffic accidents occurred when Will Ferrell walked through the Lincoln Tunnel in his costume, because people were so surprised (and distracted from their driving) to see him wearing an elf outfit.
You just know that they used “minor” as a qualifier because they’re hiding the fact that there was at least one “major” accident. Like a decapitation.

The scene when Buddy eats different candies and pastries with the spaghetti noodles had to be shot twice, because Will Ferrell vomited the first time.
“Hey Will, you fucked this up the first time! Throw more shit on top of shit and try it again until we get it right!”

Elf

Maple syrup, Hershey’s syrup, M&Ms, Pop Tarts, noodles, all with undertones of vomit and bile.

Wanda Sykes was originally slated to play the Gimbel’s Manager but backed out at the last minute. She was replaced by Faizon Love, who insisted on still wearing the nametag made for Sykes, which is why his tag inexplicably says “Wanda”.
Faizon Love rules, end of story.

Bob Newhart claimed that of all the fan mail he received, usually half of it was for “Elf”.
Ah yes, Bob Newhart’s over-the-top Elf role. Famous for being extremely memorable. Not at all Bob Newhart-y like the rest of Bob Newhart’s characters for the last 80 years.

Before making the film, Jon Favreau would observe his 1-year-old son, Max, to get ideas for what Buddy might do. As Favreau notes, Max was his barometer for how believable Buddy’s antics were.
*blub* *drool* *snort* Thank you, Max. This is perfect.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

I’m going to be honest here, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. My guess is that you had to be super young for your first Elf viewing to want to see it year after year. I personally found most of the movie dull, with the middle act of Buddy getting used to New York and his family the only part I really enjoyed. It’s a good family movie, though. Maybe I’ll show it to my kids one day, and they’ll be like “who’s the weird guy prancing around in tights?” And I’ll be like “the funniest man of my generation, apparently.”


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 47: “The Grave Is No Bar to My Call”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand tells Mat and Perrin that Ingtar’s biting the big one. Let’s go take the Horn of Valere to where it belongs and blow this popsicle stand and never, ever look back!

Outside town, Perrin wonders what Rand meant by “where it belongs”, and Mat wonders if Rand is continuing to lose what little marbles he has left. Rand butts in and says he’s going back to Falme to find Egwene and get some pussy. Perrin and Mat look back and see the Seanchan armies falling into rank. All for Rand and his puny team of puny men!

Hurin looks the other way and sees Whitecloaks marching up to Falme. At first relieved that it appears to be a Seanchan/Whiteclock battle a’brewin’, the group is still left with nowhere to go. Mat decides, hey why not, let’s blow the horn!

Mat blows the horn!

Fog starts sweeping the land. Oh no!

Remember Bornhald? I barely do! But he hears the horn and sees the fog and gets very suspicious about what the Seanchan are up to. He orders his band of Whitecloaks to CHAARRRRGE!!!

Amidst the fog, Rand and Co. can see Bayle Domon’s ship still docked in the distance. Hurin notices historic men and women charging through the fog, whom Rand recognizes as figures such as Artur Hawkwing and similar who-cares mythical beings. They talk to Rand, who mentions needing the Seanchan pushed back to the sea and Egwene saved from them. They all refer to Rand as “Lews Therin”, which pisses him off.

Hawkwing asks Rand if he has the banner, and he indeed does! *unfurls Nazi flag* Wow! All the pieces are here! The Dragon banner! The Horn! The battle and the people and the thing! Mat sounds the horn! Perrin flies the banner! Battle! Glory! Oiled muscles!

Suddenly, everyone around Rand disappears in the fog and Ba’alzamon appears before him! He refers to Rand as “Lews Therin”, which pisses him off. Pisses him off further after Ba’alzamon is all like “didn’t the good guys call you that too?” He calls Rand a fool for sounding the horn; now the bitches in the White Tower will stop at nothing to make sure he’s in chains. Then something weird happens where the Seanchan/Whitecloaks battle mirrors the Ba’alzamon/Heroes of the Horn battle, and once Rand realizes that his heron sword appears to hurt Ba’alzamon, and, after getting shivved in the side, he is able to plunge his sword into Ba’alzamon’s heart.

Whoa doggies! Things are getting real now! How much realer can it get, fam? Let’s keep reading!


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