Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19 – “Venom (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19 – “Venom (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Bruce holes himself up in his Cave for a month to detox from the pills. Porter and Slaycroft run experiments on Timothy until he’s a big, angry beast who can’t feel any pain. Timothy kills his cute, little Santa Priscan girlfriend under General Slaycroft’s orders.

Now that Batman has finished his sabbatical, he’s going to go find Porter and Slaycroft and challenge them both to fisticuffs at dawn.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19 [June, 1991]
Written by: Dennis O’Neil
“Venom (Part 4)”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

Batman is fighting a shark! Imagine seeing this fucking thing on the rack at your local comic book store in 1991. I’d be embarrassed to buy this shit.

So Slaycroft and Porter have created a small army of dimwitted, blood-thirsty beasts. Part of “training” involves ambushing a group of locals in a small village and killing the unholy piss out of all them. One guy has a gun that Slaycroft gave him. The bullet bounces right off the chest of a particularly mean-looking crew cut dude. Crew Cut slams both fists against the sides of Gun Guy’s head, cracking his skull. Blood everywhere! Brutal stuff! Ain’t no blood in New 52 Batman, that’s for sure. There’s barely even any cum!

Crew Cut discovers his poor, scared grandmother backed up against the side of a building. “Soy tu abuela, Miguel…” she quivers. Miguel approaches and snaps her neck, much to the amusement of Porter. Slaycroft orders his team to fall in.

“Should they burn the huts, do you think?” asks Porter, who admires the dead bodies littering the ground. “No point in wasting material if the exercise does not require it,” Slaycroft responds.

Back in Gotham’s Police HQ, Batman pays Gordon a surprise, sexy visit. No flowers? No candy? Gordon thought Batman was dead! He had disappeared, and–

*slap slap* He was detoxing, sir! Have some respect for the addicted! “Any news about Randolph Porter and General Timothy Slaycroft?” Batman asks with his gruff, Christian Bale voice. Well, they dropped off the face of the Earth. So no! But, they sent care packages of flowers and candy. Take a page out of their book, Batman. They know how to treat a man.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

Checked the airports with what? Your engorged, throbbing dick?

Batman knows that the two of them went to Santa Prisca and didn’t bother telling anybody about this. He just squirrelled himself away in his hidey-hole for 30 days instead like a horse’s ass. Doesn’t matter anyway. Santa Prisca is controlled by the cartel, and they don’t play nice with cops. Not even cops of certain, distinguished ruggedness! It’s quite a rude situation.

Well, Batman’s gonna go there and be rude himself. Rude all over everyone’s faces!

“Feeling ill, Doctor Porter?” General Slaycroft catches Porter popping pills. No worries, though. Porter has been popping these pills for over a year now… but, uh, don’t ask what they’re for. M’kay?

OK, well, you twisted his arm! These are his personal stash of miracle dugs designed to enhance his own physiology without causing habit-forming side effects yada yada yada. He offers Slaycroft to design a drug tailored to his own body and mind and spirit and underpants, but Slaycroft merely frowns heavily and rejects the notion that he needs to be bolstered by anything in pill form! Rejects and resents!

Anyway, training is going well. Porter doped them all up with hypnosis pills, so now they’re lined up in formation in a weird trance. “I called them to attention,” Slaycroft says. “None of them has moved a muscle since.”

Hell yeah, son! The perfect army! A bunch of impervious losers who will stand still until they starve if they’re ordered to! Slaycroft smiles maniacally. “Our army will crush the godless hordes that threaten us.” This is win-win! Slaycroft gets his great army and proves he’s a great general (as opposed to the shitty one that he’d be without cheating), and Porter proves that every other scientist stands in his shadow (which is important to him for some reason).

Bruce brings Alfred along on his plane to Santa Prisca. No doubt the butler will be able to schmooze his way around the drug cartel.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

These two are so cute together.

Bruce has done some background information on these two buddies he’s meeting up with. Porter fed two grad students at Gotham University “his home-brewed dope”. One committed suicide, the other is severely psychotic. As a result, Porter lost his position at the university. Slaycroft, that happy camper, had at least 18 troops die under his command. Also, his wife “died” in an “explosion” that was very “suspicious”. However, the court-martial board was impressed by Slaycroft’s war record, so he avoided prison. ANYWAY, 15 MINUTES UNTIL DESCENT! Grab some peanuts while you can, Alfie.

Whoops, Slaycroft got some intel within 15 minutes that some rich American dude bought a fucking plane and is fucking flying it to Santa Prisca. Porter dumps a pile of pills into his hand. “Should that interest us?”

Yes, dirtbag. He’s coming from Gotham City. The guy probably has a landing strip in his backyard. Porter still doesn’t care.

Well, dirtbag, put yourself in Batman’s smelly shoes. Wouldn’t you want to go after yourself after you screwed yourself all up with your pills? I rest my case.

“It’s not him. It can’t be. What I did to him with the drugs I gave him… he’s in a rubber room somewhere, drooling.” Porter starts to look a teensy bit panicked! Slaycroft aims to err on the side of caution…

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

I gon’ shoot ‘im down wit muh potato gun.

While Slaycroft gets ready to go airplane huntin’, Bruce has his hands off the wheel in order to snap a few pictures with his comically large camera. And… oh shit, he’s sees some nerd in a military uniform aiming a rocket launcher at his plane! Eep! Eek! Eel!

Bruce pushes Alfred out of the airplane, which is hilarious and I’ll put that panel at the end of the post. Bruce then jumps out himself, and they both engage their parachutes. They make it out of the blast radius just in time, of course. Because this is comic books.

Bruce looks confident and placid. Alfred is screaming his tiny little lungs out.

Looks like the butler is descending to the north side of the island. Beautiful. Bruce will take the south. They’ll both enjoy a nice margarita and then move onto business! Bruce lands, strips out of his street clothes, shimmies himself into his Batman underpants. “When he’s Batman, things like invading an island full of hostile renegades doesn’t seem insane. Exactly.”

Right away, this Batguy gets spotted by locals with guns. In broad daylight, Batman is able to hide up in a tree successfully… until a bird flies right in front of him and squawks like a goddamned looney toon. Oops. So Batman takes the initative and drops down from the tree, clocks the men in their fragile jaw bones, and leaves them for dead.

Meanwhile, Porter chews his fingernails. “He’s a wreck, I tell you. They’re feeding him pablum in some asylum.”

Nope! Face the facts, Jack. The Bat is after them. Retool your strategies, Colonel Bonehead. While Porter pops more pills, Slaycroft gets his men ready for battle. Going to war, kids! Pack a lunch!

“You will patrol the perimeter until further orders. You will allow no one to pass in and out until futher orders. You will not sleep until further orders. DISMISSED!”

Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT!! HIKE!!

Porter’s got a guy named Gomez who also has some men! They ain’t burly, beefy men, but they’re men all the same. Slaycroft doesn’t trust Gomez, which is foreshadowing that Gomez is gonna get a buttful of rocket launcher pretty damn soon.

…except that he calls them over the phone with some tight, clutch information about how to handle Mr. Bat Bones…

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

It looks way too damn hot for that Batman Snuggie.

Batman has nothing to do right now except hang out. He worries about Alfred, who is either boning some hot local women or he’s dead (it’s the former – Alfred’s got mad game). Good thing he learned how to turn his brain off in Asia, I guess. Waiting is awesome.

Up in a helicopter, Slaycroft yells through a bullhorn. “YOU DOWN THERE… MASKED MAN… WHEREVER YOU ARE… LOOK UP HERE! WE HAVE YOUR FRIEND… IN AN HOUR HE WILL BE MADE TO BLEED… HE WILL BE PUT INTO WATER AT THE SOUTHERN TIP OF THE ISLAND WHERE SHARKS FEED… HE WILL BE EATEN ALIVE UNLESS YOU RESCUE HIM…”

Indeed, Alfred dangles from the helicopter tied up in a rope. He looks rather forlorn. An hour later, Batman arrives on the southern tip of the island where sharks feed. They’ve cut Alfred and he’s bleeding into the water. *checks watch* Sharks will be arriving anytime now. Yep… any minute…

“Perhaps you’d like to bargain with us. Offer us something in return for your friend’s safety.”

“No.”

Batman strips down to nothing but his belt and his cowl, which is a funny sight to behold. Porter offers Batman a pill to help increase his stamina! Batman ignores him. Been there, done that, stamina ain’t shit.

Alfred is tied to a couple of poles that are planted on the sea floor. Batman approaches him within the frigid, tumultuous waters. A large shark fin appears knifing its way across the water’s surface. Quickly, swiftly, deftly, Batman grabs onto a pole and kicks the shark in it’s motherfucking shark-ass face! “Sharks’ snouts are very sensitive,” he says to himself as the shark swims away. Try that one at home, kiddos. Batman is a good role model.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

Violence against sharks is an epidemic in our backwards society.

Batman cuts Alfred free with a tiny knife he has in his utility belt, the best weapon currently on his person. Alfred bobs in the water as the shark returns. Batman urges Alfred to swim to shore as he readies himself to kick more shark butt. Make shark soup outta him.

Batman rips one of the wooden poles from the sea floor and busts it up something pointy. When the shark pounces (do sharks pounce?), Batman stabs its mouth with it. While the shark dives down, its fin slices Batman’s underboob. Swimming in the sea just adds salt to the wound. Literally.

Oh shit, now Bruce is bleeding all over the water and about three more sharks arrive. And, now this is funny, Batman hoists a nearby boat holding a couple of locals and throws them to the sharks. I’m guessing that these are supposed to be bad guys, but there has been no context for this at all and I’m laughing pretty loudly here. Creating a distraction, Batman and Alfred make it to shore with no further harm.

Batman urges Alfred to run into the woods, find a boat, and make his way to Haiti. I’m serious. Batman seriously tells him this. Alfred obeys after a snarky comment. Batman then slowly approaches Dr. Randolph “Poopypants” Porter.

“An impressive performance,” jubilates Porter, “but I see you’re wounded. I can offer you some excellent painkillers–”

Batman drives a huge fist right into Porter’s face at 700 mph. “Use them yourself.”

The next punch comes from Super Timothy. Batman goes down. Slaycroft orders that Batman is to be executed.

Jeepers creepers, how is dang ol’ Batman getting out of this pickle?!

Final Thoughts

The thrilling conclusion awaits! But there are more important matters to attend to immediately…

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

Get the FUCK off my plane, jive turkey!


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 27: “The Shadow in the Night”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Heading back from Thom’s inn, Rand and Loial pass through the Foregate area where the party is still happening, baby. They end up in a quieter area, alone, where they are attacked by a Trolloc.

They fight the Trollocs for half the chapter. Running away, they encounter Selene who calmly asks what in the gods-damned hell they’re doing. Rand is like “BLAHABAAHABLHAB THERE ARE TROLLOCS AFOOT”, and Selene is like “No man with the HORN OF VALLLEEEERRREE would get himself into this pickle!”

They hide in an Illuminator chapterhouse and spy on a couple named Tammuz and Aludra who are “preparing” for “something”. This will pay off in about eleven books, but for now the group leaves when the coast is clear. The pass around a large pile of fireworks, but Loial, the big dumb oaf, accidentally sets them off somehow. A real comedy of errors! Someone gets a pie in the face, too. This chapter sucks.

Something about Illuminators and more Trollocs and more fighting. It’s boring.

The chapter ends with Rand receiving a note from “an old woman”, which is sealed with the same wax seal that Selene used earlier when she was going to wait for them in Cairhien. The note says the following: “When I think I know what you are going to do, you do something else. You are a dangerous man. Perhaps it will not be long before we are together again. Think of the Horn. Think of the glory. And think of me, for you are always mine.”

Selene sucks. I’m glad this chapter is over.


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Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “Man w/o Fear”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #1 – “Man w/o Fear”!

My briefest of forays into Daredevil was early on in my comic book reading adventures with Kevin Smith’s Daredevil. I STILL cannot stress it enough that it was entirely by accident. I’m no fan of Kevin Smith. I just wanted to check out Daredevil, is all!

With that out of the way, it was ok. But I heard good things about the 2010s Daredevil runs, so I’m gonna jump ahead. I wanna see what this blind bastard is up to in the Obama years.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [September, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Man w/o Fear”

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

I’m already put off by the cover. Look at this smug son of a bitch. I don’t want to read about him. I don’t want to read about anything about him.

I get a little bit of Daredevil origin story on the first page here. I admittedly don’t know much. Matt Murdock’s dad was a boxer who wanted his son to be better. As a teenager, Matt saves an old man from a runaway truck. A radioactive cylinder fell out of the truck and blinded him (with science!) Now he can hear heartbeats and smell really well. He became a lawyer for reals. His father would’ve been proud, but he got gunned down by thugs! Now Matt Murdock works for the little guy.

Final Thoughts

Haha! That joke will never get old, says I!

“On the northern tip of Manhattan, overlooking the Hudson, is a branch of the Met called The Cloisters. The main building is a meticulous reassembly of five Medieval European abbeys, every brick authentic, while the surrounding gardens are a marvel of landscaping, a living tapestry of colors and textures.” That’s a nice and boring run-on sentence there, Mark Waid old boy. You haven’t lost your edge because you never had one.

Daredevil is outside the main building unable to see shit. He assumes it’s beautiful, but he doesn’t care. What he “sees” is a building full of weddinggoers. Laughter, tears, perfume. Lovely. What a joy. “I’m crashing the wedding uniting two of New York’s bigger crime families because there’s a rumor in the wind that a hit is planned.”

What does Daredevil care if some crime guy shoots another crime guy in his crime face? Sounds like less crimes to have to deal with in the long run!

There’s a strange hole along the red carpet. A white hand with black spots reaches out of the hole and attempts to grab the flower girl. “I realize it’s not a hit… it’s a kidnapping.” He makes his spandexed appearance and hoists the flower girl out of harm’s way. The priest is all like “DAREDEVIL?! BUALHAUBLBBLB??!” A big fat Italian guy grabs for his gun, all “he’s got da girl, gotta take ‘em down before da spaghetti”.

“Now they think I’m the kidnapper. Terrific way to make my triumphant return to the game.”

The real kdnapper in question is The Spot. He can manipulate space-time and open portals at will. Spooky stuff. I bet he can stick his head through a hole and suck his own dick splendidly. Daredevil lands back on the ground with the girl over another spot, but Daredevil is ready with his trusty Daredevil nunchucks! Or sticks. I think he just carries around sticks.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

I’d fill this guy fulla holes if he weren’t already fulla holes!

While Daredevil tries to fight this Spot guy off, he’s yelping reassurances like “I’M NOT THE KIDNAPPER” and “IT’S NOT ME” and “I’M SAVING THE GIRL” and “SPOT’S THE REAL KIDNAPPER” and “MARK WAID IS FAT”. He takes his time to try to find the spiked heartrate in the room, which, let’s be real here, should be everybody’s. This isn’t a normal fucking wedding, now is it?

But, in a plot HOLE, so to speak, Daredevil finds his man. “Sal Donoratti!” Daredevil points to a corpulent, sweaty guy with a gun. “WHAT? N- NO… I – I – “ Then he confesses, mad at Daredevil for figuring anything out without eyeballs. “You want the Spot? I’ll tell you everything I know!”

The Spot ain’t havin’ that, chief. Spotty dalmatian arms reach up out of nowhere and snap Sal’s neck right in front of his little flower girl niece.

Well, um… well shit.

Daredevil throws the girl to the groom and kisses the bride because, and I quote, “that perfume drives me wild.” That’s weird and molesty.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

This is by far the worst gloryhole I’ve ever come across in my travels.

The next hole that pops up in the air, Daredevil reaches in and grabs Spot’s arm. Spot, being strong, tries to pull Daredevil through. This is what Daredevil wants! He smiles as he tugged through a hole, never to be seen again!

Final Thoughts

See! Still funny!

The next day’s headline? Daredevil doing the big smooch on the bride of a crime family. “’Wedding Hells’ as Daredevil locks lips with mafia princess, Deborah Giacomo”

Like, what were you thinking, dumbfuck? Now Tony Soprano is comin’ for you. The non-heart-attacked Tony Soprano.

Also, Spot was either stopped or dead or both. There are nunchucks through his spotty eyeballs.

“So then what happened, Mr. Murdock? Huh? What happened in the hole with Spot? Didja get ‘im?” asks Stu, who runs the coffee cart outside of Murdock’s office building. “Oh c’mon Counselor. You c’n talk t’me! Was that Sal guy dead? I bet he was dead? Yeah?” Looks like Stu has that patented Mark Waid-style everyman dialogue. GIT ‘ER DONE.

Murdock smiles and insists he’s not Daredevil even though they’ve never been in the same room at the same time, and also he’s the only blind man in all of Manhattan! “So let’s talk kissin’ the bride at a mob wedding. That took sack.”

I don’t care how much sack it took, Stu, you imbecile. Leave me alone.

Murdock walks away whistling. Stu is grumpy.

“A while back, I got outed as Daredevil by the tabloid press. Turns out in an era of Internet surveillance, Homeland Security, and DNA analysis, secret identities are a bitch to maintain…”

Murdock just let it run its course. Plus, after all, how can a blind man be a superhero? Cockamamie! People got tired of hearing about it. It slowly left the news cycle. In the interim, though, it really put a damper on his life. He had to leave his practice, his city, his friends, his dog, his Xbox, and his jar of mustard in his fridge. His life was turned upside down! But he wouldn’t be able to tell, being blind and all.

But now, it’s a fresh start! Breath in that fresh start air! *inhales an octopus*

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Is it time to pray for eyeballs?

Foggy Nelson runs up to greet him, tell him he’s late, yell in his face, wear a Tucker Carlson bowtie. All these things. He’s the “Nelson” half of “Nelson & Murdock”, and he gets top billing because he has a sense of sight. He’s really good at lawyer stuff, but he goes by “Foggy” so he loses a lot of business. It’s better than his given name, though, which is “Hitler”. Foggy prepares him for the press, who are waiting to bombard Murdock with questions like “care to comment on your returning to the practice?” and “yo Daredevil are you single?” and “does my fat ass look fat in these fat jeans?” That last one was comic book superstar Mark Waid, of course.

Murdock is taken aback! What about the whole “left the news cycle” thing, goddamnit! Well, paparazzi and bloggers have nothing better to do, so they’re going to bug you for a while still. Other than that, tough it out, sir, because the real problems are in the courtroom!

The defense lawyer brings up Murdock’s bias toward the police, being Daredevil and all. Murdock lets out a giant sigh. “For the next half-hour, the defense relentlessly makes this case about me and nothing but.”

And indeed, it’s all about Matt Murdock. It’s all about Matt Murdock to the point where the judge tells the plaintiff to get a new lawyer! Court dismissed!

The plaintiff is rather confused, but this is business as usual if the judge is a total dickhead.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Sorry that I wasted everyone’s time, sir. I’ll pay for your bill, your legal fees, your lunch, your hotel, your Uber ride, your mortgage, your alimony, and all those Stouffer’s mac and cheese meals for one.

Tomorrow’s another day! This time he won’t embarrass Foggy Nelson. The fat guy with the bowtie.

Murdock hangs out on top of the building “looking” out at the city. He doesn’t get much alone time before a woman approaches. “She scuffs her soles along the concrete to warn the blind guy that he has company. Thoughtful.”

It’s Kirsten McDuffie, and they haven’t met before. She’s the new assistant D.A. and she has a pencil on her ear like she thinks she’s cool. She quips that he’s counting the flagpoles to bounce off of should he want to get away. “Ah,” Murdock says. “Another Daredevil joke.”

There’s nothing wrong with hearing the same joke over and over again!

Final Thoughts

McDuffie has some words of wisdom for the seasoned lawyer. “Every litigator in the game is going to use your identity against you every time you set foot in a courtroom.” Well, he’s not Daredevil, so shove off.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Next time it’ll be acid.

Nice try, Daredevil. She starts letting him know why she’s here with him on the dang roof. He’s a liability to his clients AND to the judicial system as a whole. How do you like them apples? Also, here’s the thing: no lawyer in the city would’ve taken on Mr. Jobrani’s case. Wanna know why? Because someone scared off all those lawyers? Wanna know why? Be Daredevil about it and figure it out, Daredevil.

She walks back into the building. Murdock calls up Foggy and tells him to belay that new lawyer referral for Jobrani. There’s some shit he has to investigate!

*checks zipper*

Now that he’s done that, time to figure this Jobrani thing out! Daredevil Powers Activate! DOO DOO-DOO DOOOOO!! And by that I mean he takes off his clothes and does the spandex devil costume thing.

He did a background check on Jobrani, there’s nothing on him. “So what makes a Muslim shop owner dangerous in a trial setting? Is he a target of some sort? Because if he is…” Daredevil continues to cavort around town, “…we have that in common.”

Someone in the distance shoots guns full of confetti, which scrambles Daredevil’s radar. He can’t see anything, and for a guy who can’t see anything, that says a lot! Know what I mean?

“This crap’s hanging in the air like a blizzard. I know this gambit. Something’s coming at me–”

Something’s coming at him.

“–but what?”

It’s Captain Motherfucking America’s motherfucking shield.

What the fuck.

Final Thoughts

FUCK Captain America! Does he have to show up in EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. MARVEL. COMIC?? Am I the only asshole who despises this asshole! Argh!

Oh wait, here’s an ultra-groovy Daredevil bonus story courtesy of Mark “Captain America Shield Humper” Waid

Bonus Story

Foggy Nelson is crunching chips loudly in his office and it’s bugging Matt Murdock! Because of the loud sounds, you see.

Anyway, today’s the day! Up and at ‘em! Foggy wants to stay cooped up in the office, but Murdock doesn’t understand! He cannot fathom! “Oh my God, Foggy… we live in New York. The greatest city on Earth.”

They walk around the streets for a bit and get honked at. I don’t see the point in all this quite yet. They stop at a farmer’s market, where Murdock peruses the apricots while Foggy maintains a grumpy disposition indeed! “I don’t get how the sensory overload of Manhattan doesn’t drive you crazy.” Foggy looks like he wants to jump off a bridge.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

You must be plum crazy, son.

“Do you realize that every single strawberry on this table smells just a little bit different?” Murdock says, smiling into a pile of strawberries, sticking his greasy face right into them. Murdock spends some more time dragging Foggy along for no reason. This is really a waste of my own time, too. I could be reading more Buffy comics instead of this bonus bullshit.

“Anyway, New York. Bustling, moving, jostling… the radar sense that came with the radiation is the gift that took the most getting used to,” Murdock continues, catching the readers up on where and why and how and what and who and from whence his powers came from and what they are and who and how and why. It’s like echolocation, that radar! “Like my brain is constantly pinging my surroundings 360 degrees.” Far out, man.

Anything else you want to tell us about yourself, Matty? Special brain, special tactics. “It’s gotten so that words like ‘rectangular’ or ‘yellow’ or even ‘slim’ or ‘fat’ are not the sorts of terms I tend to think in anymore.” They approach a man busking with a violin in the subway station. “125th Street. Best music in the city.”

Murdock waves a handful of cash and the busker lets him use the instrument. The outcome is not pleasant. He just about saws the poor thing in half… but he gets better… and by the time the fourth train passes through the station, Murdock is playing beautiful music! My guess is it’s “Drive-By Blowjob on a Bicycle” by Agoraphobic Nosebleed. Everyone smiles. Murdock takes a bow.

Foggy and Murdock take the train to the cemetery, where they view Murdock’s dad’s grave.

“Sometimes, in my dreams… just sometimes… I can see.”

“What do you see?”

“…that I want to live.”

Copout answer, chief! But good enough for now.

“I know I’ve been acting a little… uncharacteristically? Since I returned, Foggy.” Murdock frowns. But here’s what I need you to appreciate, okay? It has been a miserable last few years. And every time I thought I’d finally hit bottom, God somehow found me a bigger shovel.”

I keep forgetting this Matt Murdock cat is religious. What a loser.

“All this pain and all this loss and… and I just can’t bear the weight of it anymore and stay sane. I know that. So this is the way I’ve decided to be. You can say I’m in denial. You can decide I’m not dealing or that I’m a jerk… that’s up to you. No offense, but I don’t care. This is how I choose to cope. Is that acceptable to you?”

Murdock exits the cemetery, leaving Foggy there with his many fat thoughts and fat feelings.

“I’m not sure…”

He looks sad!

Final Thoughts, for Real This Time

Fuck Foggy Nelson. Throw his ass in a thresher.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 26: “Discord”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Thom Merrilin is alive! Thom! The Rapey Gleeman! Thom Merrilin! Yippee!

Rand runs back to his Motel 6 and grabs Thom’s harp and flute. Rand insists that Loial join him to meet this dude, but Loial doesn’t wanna. Rand says “too bad” and lifts Loial by the scruff and throws him out of the inn.

They travel to Thom’s inn where they are told to wait in his room with a woman named Dena. This woman sounds hella sexy, all sorts of slim with dark shoulder-length hair and juggling about ten balls on the bed. She doesn’t want Rand and Loial to stick around, but since the innkeeper allowed them to wait (and I’m not sure who this fucking innkeeper thinks she is), Dena is like “fine”. They learn that Dena intends to be the first female gleeman. A gleewoman?! Largely nonsense! But, later, Thom says she has more talent in her fourth-dimensional penis than Rand has in his whole three-dimensional micropenis.

Anyway, Thom eventually shows up, smooches the future gleewoman, and then says “gimme day harp, boy!” After fondling it for a minute or two, he asks Dena to leave. Rand tells Thom that he has the Horn, which causes the gleeman to laugh with glee, man. Sarcastic mirth, actually. EVERYONE has the Horn these days, suuuuuure. Once Rand tells him the Moiraine assured that it was the real deal, Thom shuts his mouth.

Rand really, really, really, really wants Thom to join him on his journey back to Shienar to return the Horn, but Thom doesn’t wanna. Rand says “too bad” and lifts Thom by the scruff and–

Thom tells Loial to leave now, and he and Rand have a chat about Dragons Reborn and all that jazz. Is there a connection between the Dragon and the Horn of Valere? Thom doesn’t know this, and he knows a lot. Thom was even certain that Rand was the One, but since Moiraine left him alone to wander to country, perhaps it isn’t so. Nevertheless, Thom isn’t joining him on his quest. He’s not. He ain’t. And that’s final.

After Rand leaves, Thom thinks about the conversation they just had. Zera, the innkeeper, visits Thom and asks if he’s going to get himself all mixed up in the Game of Houses again. Sounds like it to me! Zera says he should quit the Game and marry Dena and have a brood of gleechildren.

Thom is just happy that Rand has been cut free from the Aes Sedai. Those chicks are bad news…


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Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Book I: Vader (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Book I: Vader storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Book I: Vader (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Vader, with the help of the very helpful helper Doctor Aphra, infiltrates a droid factory on Geonosis and steals a handful of them for Vader’s pursuits to build up an army.

O-O-O, their protocol droid, tortured a man who knew a thing or two about Emperor Palpatine’s commission to set up a base to train up replacements for Vader. Considering he sucks and all.

So Vader’s going to be all “not today” on their asses.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [July, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book I: Vader (Part 5)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #5

“You know, I don’t want to jinx anything…” Aphra says to Vader as she pilots the ship “…but I think we’ve found the bad guy’s secret base.”

Indeed they have! Just kidding! But really! Nope! But yes! Ha, no. But yes! The “secret base” looks like a giant floating robot space fish with an entire city built on its back. Aphra calls it impressive. Vader calls it an abomination. Time to board the big metal fish! Aphra is excited! “This is the greatest job of my life,” she breathes.

A bunch of worker drones on the base are hanging out playing checkers and stroking their schlongs when a sudden ion burst occurs, courtesy of Doctor Aphra-disiac. Circuits are down, doors are sealed, communications are down, and the NES keeps blinking on and off. Unauthorized docking must be occurring! Zip zoom bippity boom! Let’s take care of these space pirates!

The guards grab their guns and get ready by one of the sealed doors. Slowly, as if a red lightsaber were cutting a hole in the door, a red lightsaber cuts a hole in the door. Ready to shoot, the door crumbles open and a stupid protocol droid starts waving its arms in the air.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #5

I’m too pretty to die!

“Identify yourself!” yells a guard with the most erect penis of a gun I’ve ever seen. “What are you doing?”

Triple-Oh gibbers for a bit before BT-1 shows up to start beeping and/or booping. “I’m a distraction,” he finally utters before Vader appears in all his majestic, poopypants glory. While he and Aphra wear magnetic clamps on their boots, Vader tears a huge sphincter into the side of the skin membrane-like walls and the entire crew gets jettisoned out into space. Once those mopes are taken care of, Aphra works on resealing the wall while Vader moves in with his droid army.

Later, Aphra finds a command console and pulls up the floor plan of the base. There are still two main areas that may be filled with more “bad guys” who want to stop the “good guys”. The Barracks and the Dojo.

Excellent! Team Red, you go to the Dojo! Team Blue, you’re with Vader. Onward to the Barracks!

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Let’s keep making our way through this giant ballsack.

Triple-Oh and BT-1 hang back, surmising that they are not involved and can head back to the ship…

Team Red storms the Dojo where they find two unarmed people, a man and a woman, wearing what looks like Jedi robes but they certainly cannot be. The Jedi are all fucking dead! Forget I said anything about the Jedi. Suddenly, Aphra loses contact with Team Red. Vader assembles his troops and heads toward the Dojo.

OH SHIT, THEY’RE JEDI! These two definitely-armed people recognize Vader and unsheath the lightsabers smugly.

“At last,” says the man named Morit, who Jedi Forces the door behind Vader closed. Vader’s army is now left behind. It’s just Vader now. Just Vader and the prom king and queen over here.

Oh snap! Vader can sense that the door closing wasn’t a Force thing at all! The Force is weak with these two! No Jedi! No Sith! Just a couple of assholes!

The woman, named Aiolin, starts whipping her lightsaber around and hoping it hits something. Morit says he and his sister don’t want to be the likes of Jedi or Sith! Pah! They’re all fucking dead as doornails. Aiolin says she was a great admirer of the Jedi or the Sith or whoever can Force their way out of a paper bag.

Fighting ceases when a man emerges. He’s the man who was with Palpatine in Issue #1 while Vader was getting a scolding. He looks like a Terminator T-1000. “Your presence confirms my suspicions, Vader. Be grateful I did not program myself to be capable of holding an illogical grudge.”

Oh wait, this is the Cylo-IV from the previous issue whom O-O-O interrogated and killed! But not really. This is Cylo-V now, a new and improved model. When the previous model didn’t return, he was activated. This time he’s hella immortal and won’t take no guff from no one.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Mama, someone shot muh eyeball!

Vader is not impressed. While he knew Cylo-MCMLXXVII or whatever was making apprentices here on Bad Guy Base, per Palpatine’s requests, he didn’t know that the apprentices were all gonna be bullshit. “There is nothing about the Force about anything here,” Vader whines like a little Anakin baby.

Don’t you remember, Vader old boy? They’re making replacements. For your fucking job, dude. Palpatine thinks you suck eggs and they’re making some great progress pulling you out of the role and placing you in Accounting with Susan and her lazy eye.

Cylo calls the Force obsolete. Vader calls that BLASPHEMOUS. He’s about ready to grind Cylo into manure-laced Manwich mix when another robed figure shows up to stop him. So many robed figures are showing up here. Must be a convention.

Emperor Palpatine is this new arrival, and Vader starts getting all “buhhh, buhlubuhb” about it. But this is perfect! Cylo-V can show the Emperor exactly HOW and WHY his replacements can do a much better job than *motions with thumb to Vader* this walking blowjob over here.

“Enough grandstanding, Cylo,” Palpatine rasps. “You have my presence. Show me something worthy of my attention.”

Final Thoughts

The fifth-issue slump! Always building up to the final issue of the storyline, but never truly delivering on the cliffhanger-y suspense.

Captain America : dumb :: Darth Vader : devoid of personality

See you next time.


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