The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N. K. Jemisin

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the Inheritance trilogy

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms

Welcome to the Book Bonfire! You, dear reader, get to spend another lovely afternoon with yours truly. I hope you brought a lot of peanut butter pretzels. Today we will be discussing The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N. K. Jemisin. Holy bejesus, that’s a lot of kingdoms!

I was really excited for this book. I heard nothing but fantastic, positive criticism of Jemisin, especially with respect to her Broken Earth trilogy. BUT, since I’m a fool of the highest order and degree, I have to read an author’s body of work in chronological order like a complete wackaloon. Thus, I start with the Inheritance trilogy, and I start with The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, and I greatly enjoyed the first 50 – 100 pages or so. As the world was building, the political strife was heightening, and the weird relationship with the enslaved gods got fleshed out, I was getting excited about where the story may have been going. It wasn’t much like anything I’ve read before, so I had a bit of a thrill in the sense that literally anything could happen.

Then I started to get put off. The enslaved gods are creepy and weirdly sexual. The main character, Yeine, engages in weirdly sexual interactions, both flagrant and borderline, with the enslaved gods. The political intrigue wasn’t very intriguing, mostly shallow and petty. The worldbuilding plateaued, and it felt like the entire story was taking place in a single room. The writing started to get overdramatic. Yeine’s stomach would sink during critical revelations, or her jaw would drop in horror, or the magnitude of some realization would be too much to handle. Constantly. And it never felt like anything was worth getting too worked up about. She would just sit in a room while characters talked to her and she would just be constantly… reacting. Reacting strongly, sure, but just reacting. This was supposed to be the main character and she didn’t seem to have any agency in her own story.

“I think you’ll find that the only part of me that is 100% Arameri is my gigantic butthole.”
– Yeine

In a nutshell, The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms focuses on Yeine Darr, a “barbarian” woman from a kingdom to the north. She is summoned to what I suppose is the ruling kingdom after her mother’s mysterious death. She is named heir to the hundred thousand kingdoms and needs to fight her two horribly shitty cousins for the throne: Jean-Ralphio and Mona Lisa Saperstein. There’s a class system of the ruling Arameri family based on blood purity which barely comes into play. There are three main gods: Nahadoth, the night guy, Bright Itempas, the day guy, and Enefa, the sorta day sorta night lady. They are siblings who also probably fucked each other, as gods are wont to do. They all have a falling out, with Enefa dead, Nahadoth fallen, and Itempas the last remaining god. Nahadoth and his children are enslaved by the family, and nobody fucks with the family with gods at their disposal. No sir.

This all seems somewhat interesting, because it is. On paper, it should be a fantastic story. In practice, though (which is also on paper, book-style), it’s very dry. The murder mystery element of Yeine’s mother is not treated with any arousal of curiosity. The plot threads are uninspired and predictable. The saving grace is the idea of the plot, where you have essentially two dysfunctional families (the Arameris and the gods) dealing with their own dysfunctions, but this is carried on the shoulders of uninteresting and shallow characters. There’s also a romantic element between Nahadoth and Yeine that I just couldn’t buy into. It felt very sleazy and gross, superfluous and not contributing to the story in any meaningful way.

There was just so much potential that seemed lost. I heard things pick up in Book 2, but after slogging through Book 1 I’m not clamoring to continue the series right now. Maybe some day.

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“Being a god sucks sometimes. It’s like, yeah, you get to live forever. But then you’re just floating around the void of space for eons with nothing to do but running through Ferris Bueller’s Day Off in your head over and over again.”
– Nahadoth

Did you find Yeine’s character satisfying?
Pffft, no. I didn’t like her at all. I thought she was a little high and mighty and, as I said already, very reactive in her position. The story just seemed to happen around her and she was just there to take it in and accept what happened.

Now, if by “satisfying” one means how her character gets to end as a goddess, then I absolutely did not find her character satisfying to an extreme. She spends half the book “accepting” her fate of death, and when death finally comes… she instead doesn’t die and instead gets to be a goddess. The spirit of Enefa living on or blah blah blah. It was awfully convenient, wasn’t it? She didn’t deserve it. She deserved to be miserable and alone for being woefully boring. Not satisfying! Boo and hiss!

How did you feel about the following themes: corruption of power, matriarchal vs. patriarchal societies, and race relations?
Really? What a boring question! Wow, a book about a dysfunctional family willing to kill each other to obtain the throne. A tale as old as thrones, my friend. Matriarchal vs. patriarchal societies? SAME AS IT IS ON EARTH, MAN. Darr is a matriarchal society and the Darre are seen as barbaric, just like… uh… *checks Wikipedia* …the Padaungs of Myanmar? And race relations? Are we talking humans versus gods? Darre vs. Arameri? Mexicans vs. Canadians? Well, Yeine is a mutt of sorts. Somewhat Arameri, mostly Darre, treated like shit. Just like Earth, man. It’s almost as if Jemisin drew inspiration from Earth to develop her societal and political constructs! How about that for analysis?

What are your thoughts about the world-building?
Meh. This could have been so much better. Jemisin writes whole blog posts detailing the intricacies of the world and of the people, but why supplement the books with this stuff instead of actually incorporating it into the novel? Everything is from Yeine’s point of view, but she never leaves Sky. There’s a whole world out there and we only see and understand a sliver. Barely. How am I supposed to get immersed in the mythology when I need to read Jemisin’s blog to get more out of the story?

She obviously put a lot of thought into building the world, but it doesn’t show. Sorry.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Oof. Well, I read that the second book is a little bit better than the first, so I’m willing to eventually keep going on this. It oddly kept me turning the pages even if I didn’t find the story gripping, which means it was a fairly light read. I admire Jemisin and I’m looking forward to eventually hitting the Broken Earth series.

L’chaim, as the kids say. If you’ve got FOMO and want to hit everything, man, then this book is a real gas.

I don’t even know what I’m saying. Over and out.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 28: “A New Thread in the Pattern”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Perrin POV chapter. The Wolfman looks around at his posse. Mat’s looking more pale and gaunt with each passing day, and Verin tries to tend to him but Mat’s all fucked up and daggerless. Plus, Verin cares more about Rand anyway.

Perrin’s wolf buddies told him via telepathy or Wolf Skype that there have been people in the area they’re in, and Perrin supposes that they must be Fain and his Darkfriends. Ingtar asks Perrin what the wolves have been saying, and they’ve been saying that they want more Hostess Cupcakes. Also, there’s a man they deem “Shadowkiller” who is able to kill Trollocs and bugs and shit. The Trollocs and Fades and Darkfriends, and Fain, are now in pursuit of this Shadowkiller (it’s Rand, duh).

Speaking of Aielmen like Rand (!), the group encounters such a savage on their path. His name is Urien, and everyone is on their guard. Mat thinks Urien looks like Rand, who definitely has the butt tattoo and the South Park t-shirt of an Aielman himself. Ingtar approaches to talk, looking for a fight, but Urien isn’t interested in fighting. The Aielman bows to Verin and calls her “the Wise One”, which makes Verin all giddy like a schoolgirl. I didn’t know the Brown Ajah had emotions!

When asked if Urien has seen any Darkfriends, he answers in the negative but would love to meet them! They sound pleasant! Verin asks about Wise Ones and Urien describes a place called Rhuidean where women and men pilgrimage to become Wise Ones and Clan Chiefs. Usually, these women and men don’t survive the trip, but the ones that survive become Wise Ones and/or Chiefs. Urien gets nervous because there’s a prophecy that tells of Aes Sedai killing the Aielmen if they “fail them again”. Verin’s like “uhhhh, yeah, I won’t kill you today, sir” and asks Urien what he’s doing so far away from the Aiel Wastes. And, of course, since that tall bitch is ta’veren, Rand is woven into Urien’s pattern and all that. Urien is searching for Rand, who he knows as “He Who Comes with the Dawn”. Rand will come to Rhuidean and lead the Aiel away from the Wastes under the symbol of the Aes Sedai. Verin doesn’t know where this man is, so Urien continues his quest.

Verin is unnerved by this, and now they have to make haste! Haste, I say! Haste!


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Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19 – “Venom (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19 – “Venom (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Bruce holes himself up in his Cave for a month to detox from the pills. Porter and Slaycroft run experiments on Timothy until he’s a big, angry beast who can’t feel any pain. Timothy kills his cute, little Santa Priscan girlfriend under General Slaycroft’s orders.

Now that Batman has finished his sabbatical, he’s going to go find Porter and Slaycroft and challenge them both to fisticuffs at dawn.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19 [June, 1991]
Written by: Dennis O’Neil
“Venom (Part 4)”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

Batman is fighting a shark! Imagine seeing this fucking thing on the rack at your local comic book store in 1991. I’d be embarrassed to buy this shit.

So Slaycroft and Porter have created a small army of dimwitted, blood-thirsty beasts. Part of “training” involves ambushing a group of locals in a small village and killing the unholy piss out of all them. One guy has a gun that Slaycroft gave him. The bullet bounces right off the chest of a particularly mean-looking crew cut dude. Crew Cut slams both fists against the sides of Gun Guy’s head, cracking his skull. Blood everywhere! Brutal stuff! Ain’t no blood in New 52 Batman, that’s for sure. There’s barely even any cum!

Crew Cut discovers his poor, scared grandmother backed up against the side of a building. “Soy tu abuela, Miguel…” she quivers. Miguel approaches and snaps her neck, much to the amusement of Porter. Slaycroft orders his team to fall in.

“Should they burn the huts, do you think?” asks Porter, who admires the dead bodies littering the ground. “No point in wasting material if the exercise does not require it,” Slaycroft responds.

Back in Gotham’s Police HQ, Batman pays Gordon a surprise, sexy visit. No flowers? No candy? Gordon thought Batman was dead! He had disappeared, and–

*slap slap* He was detoxing, sir! Have some respect for the addicted! “Any news about Randolph Porter and General Timothy Slaycroft?” Batman asks with his gruff, Christian Bale voice. Well, they dropped off the face of the Earth. So no! But, they sent care packages of flowers and candy. Take a page out of their book, Batman. They know how to treat a man.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

Checked the airports with what? Your engorged, throbbing dick?

Batman knows that the two of them went to Santa Prisca and didn’t bother telling anybody about this. He just squirrelled himself away in his hidey-hole for 30 days instead like a horse’s ass. Doesn’t matter anyway. Santa Prisca is controlled by the cartel, and they don’t play nice with cops. Not even cops of certain, distinguished ruggedness! It’s quite a rude situation.

Well, Batman’s gonna go there and be rude himself. Rude all over everyone’s faces!

“Feeling ill, Doctor Porter?” General Slaycroft catches Porter popping pills. No worries, though. Porter has been popping these pills for over a year now… but, uh, don’t ask what they’re for. M’kay?

OK, well, you twisted his arm! These are his personal stash of miracle dugs designed to enhance his own physiology without causing habit-forming side effects yada yada yada. He offers Slaycroft to design a drug tailored to his own body and mind and spirit and underpants, but Slaycroft merely frowns heavily and rejects the notion that he needs to be bolstered by anything in pill form! Rejects and resents!

Anyway, training is going well. Porter doped them all up with hypnosis pills, so now they’re lined up in formation in a weird trance. “I called them to attention,” Slaycroft says. “None of them has moved a muscle since.”

Hell yeah, son! The perfect army! A bunch of impervious losers who will stand still until they starve if they’re ordered to! Slaycroft smiles maniacally. “Our army will crush the godless hordes that threaten us.” This is win-win! Slaycroft gets his great army and proves he’s a great general (as opposed to the shitty one that he’d be without cheating), and Porter proves that every other scientist stands in his shadow (which is important to him for some reason).

Bruce brings Alfred along on his plane to Santa Prisca. No doubt the butler will be able to schmooze his way around the drug cartel.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

These two are so cute together.

Bruce has done some background information on these two buddies he’s meeting up with. Porter fed two grad students at Gotham University “his home-brewed dope”. One committed suicide, the other is severely psychotic. As a result, Porter lost his position at the university. Slaycroft, that happy camper, had at least 18 troops die under his command. Also, his wife “died” in an “explosion” that was very “suspicious”. However, the court-martial board was impressed by Slaycroft’s war record, so he avoided prison. ANYWAY, 15 MINUTES UNTIL DESCENT! Grab some peanuts while you can, Alfie.

Whoops, Slaycroft got some intel within 15 minutes that some rich American dude bought a fucking plane and is fucking flying it to Santa Prisca. Porter dumps a pile of pills into his hand. “Should that interest us?”

Yes, dirtbag. He’s coming from Gotham City. The guy probably has a landing strip in his backyard. Porter still doesn’t care.

Well, dirtbag, put yourself in Batman’s smelly shoes. Wouldn’t you want to go after yourself after you screwed yourself all up with your pills? I rest my case.

“It’s not him. It can’t be. What I did to him with the drugs I gave him… he’s in a rubber room somewhere, drooling.” Porter starts to look a teensy bit panicked! Slaycroft aims to err on the side of caution…

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

I gon’ shoot ‘im down wit muh potato gun.

While Slaycroft gets ready to go airplane huntin’, Bruce has his hands off the wheel in order to snap a few pictures with his comically large camera. And… oh shit, he’s sees some nerd in a military uniform aiming a rocket launcher at his plane! Eep! Eek! Eel!

Bruce pushes Alfred out of the airplane, which is hilarious and I’ll put that panel at the end of the post. Bruce then jumps out himself, and they both engage their parachutes. They make it out of the blast radius just in time, of course. Because this is comic books.

Bruce looks confident and placid. Alfred is screaming his tiny little lungs out.

Looks like the butler is descending to the north side of the island. Beautiful. Bruce will take the south. They’ll both enjoy a nice margarita and then move onto business! Bruce lands, strips out of his street clothes, shimmies himself into his Batman underpants. “When he’s Batman, things like invading an island full of hostile renegades doesn’t seem insane. Exactly.”

Right away, this Batguy gets spotted by locals with guns. In broad daylight, Batman is able to hide up in a tree successfully… until a bird flies right in front of him and squawks like a goddamned looney toon. Oops. So Batman takes the initative and drops down from the tree, clocks the men in their fragile jaw bones, and leaves them for dead.

Meanwhile, Porter chews his fingernails. “He’s a wreck, I tell you. They’re feeding him pablum in some asylum.”

Nope! Face the facts, Jack. The Bat is after them. Retool your strategies, Colonel Bonehead. While Porter pops more pills, Slaycroft gets his men ready for battle. Going to war, kids! Pack a lunch!

“You will patrol the perimeter until further orders. You will allow no one to pass in and out until futher orders. You will not sleep until further orders. DISMISSED!”

Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT!! HIKE!!

Porter’s got a guy named Gomez who also has some men! They ain’t burly, beefy men, but they’re men all the same. Slaycroft doesn’t trust Gomez, which is foreshadowing that Gomez is gonna get a buttful of rocket launcher pretty damn soon.

…except that he calls them over the phone with some tight, clutch information about how to handle Mr. Bat Bones…

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

It looks way too damn hot for that Batman Snuggie.

Batman has nothing to do right now except hang out. He worries about Alfred, who is either boning some hot local women or he’s dead (it’s the former – Alfred’s got mad game). Good thing he learned how to turn his brain off in Asia, I guess. Waiting is awesome.

Up in a helicopter, Slaycroft yells through a bullhorn. “YOU DOWN THERE… MASKED MAN… WHEREVER YOU ARE… LOOK UP HERE! WE HAVE YOUR FRIEND… IN AN HOUR HE WILL BE MADE TO BLEED… HE WILL BE PUT INTO WATER AT THE SOUTHERN TIP OF THE ISLAND WHERE SHARKS FEED… HE WILL BE EATEN ALIVE UNLESS YOU RESCUE HIM…”

Indeed, Alfred dangles from the helicopter tied up in a rope. He looks rather forlorn. An hour later, Batman arrives on the southern tip of the island where sharks feed. They’ve cut Alfred and he’s bleeding into the water. *checks watch* Sharks will be arriving anytime now. Yep… any minute…

“Perhaps you’d like to bargain with us. Offer us something in return for your friend’s safety.”

“No.”

Batman strips down to nothing but his belt and his cowl, which is a funny sight to behold. Porter offers Batman a pill to help increase his stamina! Batman ignores him. Been there, done that, stamina ain’t shit.

Alfred is tied to a couple of poles that are planted on the sea floor. Batman approaches him within the frigid, tumultuous waters. A large shark fin appears knifing its way across the water’s surface. Quickly, swiftly, deftly, Batman grabs onto a pole and kicks the shark in it’s motherfucking shark-ass face! “Sharks’ snouts are very sensitive,” he says to himself as the shark swims away. Try that one at home, kiddos. Batman is a good role model.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

Violence against sharks is an epidemic in our backwards society.

Batman cuts Alfred free with a tiny knife he has in his utility belt, the best weapon currently on his person. Alfred bobs in the water as the shark returns. Batman urges Alfred to swim to shore as he readies himself to kick more shark butt. Make shark soup outta him.

Batman rips one of the wooden poles from the sea floor and busts it up something pointy. When the shark pounces (do sharks pounce?), Batman stabs its mouth with it. While the shark dives down, its fin slices Batman’s underboob. Swimming in the sea just adds salt to the wound. Literally.

Oh shit, now Bruce is bleeding all over the water and about three more sharks arrive. And, now this is funny, Batman hoists a nearby boat holding a couple of locals and throws them to the sharks. I’m guessing that these are supposed to be bad guys, but there has been no context for this at all and I’m laughing pretty loudly here. Creating a distraction, Batman and Alfred make it to shore with no further harm.

Batman urges Alfred to run into the woods, find a boat, and make his way to Haiti. I’m serious. Batman seriously tells him this. Alfred obeys after a snarky comment. Batman then slowly approaches Dr. Randolph “Poopypants” Porter.

“An impressive performance,” jubilates Porter, “but I see you’re wounded. I can offer you some excellent painkillers–”

Batman drives a huge fist right into Porter’s face at 700 mph. “Use them yourself.”

The next punch comes from Super Timothy. Batman goes down. Slaycroft orders that Batman is to be executed.

Jeepers creepers, how is dang ol’ Batman getting out of this pickle?!

Final Thoughts

The thrilling conclusion awaits! But there are more important matters to attend to immediately…

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #19

Get the FUCK off my plane, jive turkey!


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 27: “The Shadow in the Night”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Heading back from Thom’s inn, Rand and Loial pass through the Foregate area where the party is still happening, baby. They end up in a quieter area, alone, where they are attacked by a Trolloc.

They fight the Trollocs for half the chapter. Running away, they encounter Selene who calmly asks what in the gods-damned hell they’re doing. Rand is like “BLAHABAAHABLHAB THERE ARE TROLLOCS AFOOT”, and Selene is like “No man with the HORN OF VALLLEEEERRREE would get himself into this pickle!”

They hide in an Illuminator chapterhouse and spy on a couple named Tammuz and Aludra who are “preparing” for “something”. This will pay off in about eleven books, but for now the group leaves when the coast is clear. The pass around a large pile of fireworks, but Loial, the big dumb oaf, accidentally sets them off somehow. A real comedy of errors! Someone gets a pie in the face, too. This chapter sucks.

Something about Illuminators and more Trollocs and more fighting. It’s boring.

The chapter ends with Rand receiving a note from “an old woman”, which is sealed with the same wax seal that Selene used earlier when she was going to wait for them in Cairhien. The note says the following: “When I think I know what you are going to do, you do something else. You are a dangerous man. Perhaps it will not be long before we are together again. Think of the Horn. Think of the glory. And think of me, for you are always mine.”

Selene sucks. I’m glad this chapter is over.


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Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “Man w/o Fear”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #1 – “Man w/o Fear”!

My briefest of forays into Daredevil was early on in my comic book reading adventures with Kevin Smith’s Daredevil. I STILL cannot stress it enough that it was entirely by accident. I’m no fan of Kevin Smith. I just wanted to check out Daredevil, is all!

With that out of the way, it was ok. But I heard good things about the 2010s Daredevil runs, so I’m gonna jump ahead. I wanna see what this blind bastard is up to in the Obama years.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [September, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Man w/o Fear”

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

I’m already put off by the cover. Look at this smug son of a bitch. I don’t want to read about him. I don’t want to read about anything about him.

I get a little bit of Daredevil origin story on the first page here. I admittedly don’t know much. Matt Murdock’s dad was a boxer who wanted his son to be better. As a teenager, Matt saves an old man from a runaway truck. A radioactive cylinder fell out of the truck and blinded him (with science!) Now he can hear heartbeats and smell really well. He became a lawyer for reals. His father would’ve been proud, but he got gunned down by thugs! Now Matt Murdock works for the little guy.

Final Thoughts

Haha! That joke will never get old, says I!

“On the northern tip of Manhattan, overlooking the Hudson, is a branch of the Met called The Cloisters. The main building is a meticulous reassembly of five Medieval European abbeys, every brick authentic, while the surrounding gardens are a marvel of landscaping, a living tapestry of colors and textures.” That’s a nice and boring run-on sentence there, Mark Waid old boy. You haven’t lost your edge because you never had one.

Daredevil is outside the main building unable to see shit. He assumes it’s beautiful, but he doesn’t care. What he “sees” is a building full of weddinggoers. Laughter, tears, perfume. Lovely. What a joy. “I’m crashing the wedding uniting two of New York’s bigger crime families because there’s a rumor in the wind that a hit is planned.”

What does Daredevil care if some crime guy shoots another crime guy in his crime face? Sounds like less crimes to have to deal with in the long run!

There’s a strange hole along the red carpet. A white hand with black spots reaches out of the hole and attempts to grab the flower girl. “I realize it’s not a hit… it’s a kidnapping.” He makes his spandexed appearance and hoists the flower girl out of harm’s way. The priest is all like “DAREDEVIL?! BUALHAUBLBBLB??!” A big fat Italian guy grabs for his gun, all “he’s got da girl, gotta take ‘em down before da spaghetti”.

“Now they think I’m the kidnapper. Terrific way to make my triumphant return to the game.”

The real kdnapper in question is The Spot. He can manipulate space-time and open portals at will. Spooky stuff. I bet he can stick his head through a hole and suck his own dick splendidly. Daredevil lands back on the ground with the girl over another spot, but Daredevil is ready with his trusty Daredevil nunchucks! Or sticks. I think he just carries around sticks.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

I’d fill this guy fulla holes if he weren’t already fulla holes!

While Daredevil tries to fight this Spot guy off, he’s yelping reassurances like “I’M NOT THE KIDNAPPER” and “IT’S NOT ME” and “I’M SAVING THE GIRL” and “SPOT’S THE REAL KIDNAPPER” and “MARK WAID IS FAT”. He takes his time to try to find the spiked heartrate in the room, which, let’s be real here, should be everybody’s. This isn’t a normal fucking wedding, now is it?

But, in a plot HOLE, so to speak, Daredevil finds his man. “Sal Donoratti!” Daredevil points to a corpulent, sweaty guy with a gun. “WHAT? N- NO… I – I – “ Then he confesses, mad at Daredevil for figuring anything out without eyeballs. “You want the Spot? I’ll tell you everything I know!”

The Spot ain’t havin’ that, chief. Spotty dalmatian arms reach up out of nowhere and snap Sal’s neck right in front of his little flower girl niece.

Well, um… well shit.

Daredevil throws the girl to the groom and kisses the bride because, and I quote, “that perfume drives me wild.” That’s weird and molesty.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

This is by far the worst gloryhole I’ve ever come across in my travels.

The next hole that pops up in the air, Daredevil reaches in and grabs Spot’s arm. Spot, being strong, tries to pull Daredevil through. This is what Daredevil wants! He smiles as he tugged through a hole, never to be seen again!

Final Thoughts

See! Still funny!

The next day’s headline? Daredevil doing the big smooch on the bride of a crime family. “’Wedding Hells’ as Daredevil locks lips with mafia princess, Deborah Giacomo”

Like, what were you thinking, dumbfuck? Now Tony Soprano is comin’ for you. The non-heart-attacked Tony Soprano.

Also, Spot was either stopped or dead or both. There are nunchucks through his spotty eyeballs.

“So then what happened, Mr. Murdock? Huh? What happened in the hole with Spot? Didja get ‘im?” asks Stu, who runs the coffee cart outside of Murdock’s office building. “Oh c’mon Counselor. You c’n talk t’me! Was that Sal guy dead? I bet he was dead? Yeah?” Looks like Stu has that patented Mark Waid-style everyman dialogue. GIT ‘ER DONE.

Murdock smiles and insists he’s not Daredevil even though they’ve never been in the same room at the same time, and also he’s the only blind man in all of Manhattan! “So let’s talk kissin’ the bride at a mob wedding. That took sack.”

I don’t care how much sack it took, Stu, you imbecile. Leave me alone.

Murdock walks away whistling. Stu is grumpy.

“A while back, I got outed as Daredevil by the tabloid press. Turns out in an era of Internet surveillance, Homeland Security, and DNA analysis, secret identities are a bitch to maintain…”

Murdock just let it run its course. Plus, after all, how can a blind man be a superhero? Cockamamie! People got tired of hearing about it. It slowly left the news cycle. In the interim, though, it really put a damper on his life. He had to leave his practice, his city, his friends, his dog, his Xbox, and his jar of mustard in his fridge. His life was turned upside down! But he wouldn’t be able to tell, being blind and all.

But now, it’s a fresh start! Breath in that fresh start air! *inhales an octopus*

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Is it time to pray for eyeballs?

Foggy Nelson runs up to greet him, tell him he’s late, yell in his face, wear a Tucker Carlson bowtie. All these things. He’s the “Nelson” half of “Nelson & Murdock”, and he gets top billing because he has a sense of sight. He’s really good at lawyer stuff, but he goes by “Foggy” so he loses a lot of business. It’s better than his given name, though, which is “Hitler”. Foggy prepares him for the press, who are waiting to bombard Murdock with questions like “care to comment on your returning to the practice?” and “yo Daredevil are you single?” and “does my fat ass look fat in these fat jeans?” That last one was comic book superstar Mark Waid, of course.

Murdock is taken aback! What about the whole “left the news cycle” thing, goddamnit! Well, paparazzi and bloggers have nothing better to do, so they’re going to bug you for a while still. Other than that, tough it out, sir, because the real problems are in the courtroom!

The defense lawyer brings up Murdock’s bias toward the police, being Daredevil and all. Murdock lets out a giant sigh. “For the next half-hour, the defense relentlessly makes this case about me and nothing but.”

And indeed, it’s all about Matt Murdock. It’s all about Matt Murdock to the point where the judge tells the plaintiff to get a new lawyer! Court dismissed!

The plaintiff is rather confused, but this is business as usual if the judge is a total dickhead.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Sorry that I wasted everyone’s time, sir. I’ll pay for your bill, your legal fees, your lunch, your hotel, your Uber ride, your mortgage, your alimony, and all those Stouffer’s mac and cheese meals for one.

Tomorrow’s another day! This time he won’t embarrass Foggy Nelson. The fat guy with the bowtie.

Murdock hangs out on top of the building “looking” out at the city. He doesn’t get much alone time before a woman approaches. “She scuffs her soles along the concrete to warn the blind guy that he has company. Thoughtful.”

It’s Kirsten McDuffie, and they haven’t met before. She’s the new assistant D.A. and she has a pencil on her ear like she thinks she’s cool. She quips that he’s counting the flagpoles to bounce off of should he want to get away. “Ah,” Murdock says. “Another Daredevil joke.”

There’s nothing wrong with hearing the same joke over and over again!

Final Thoughts

McDuffie has some words of wisdom for the seasoned lawyer. “Every litigator in the game is going to use your identity against you every time you set foot in a courtroom.” Well, he’s not Daredevil, so shove off.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Next time it’ll be acid.

Nice try, Daredevil. She starts letting him know why she’s here with him on the dang roof. He’s a liability to his clients AND to the judicial system as a whole. How do you like them apples? Also, here’s the thing: no lawyer in the city would’ve taken on Mr. Jobrani’s case. Wanna know why? Because someone scared off all those lawyers? Wanna know why? Be Daredevil about it and figure it out, Daredevil.

She walks back into the building. Murdock calls up Foggy and tells him to belay that new lawyer referral for Jobrani. There’s some shit he has to investigate!

*checks zipper*

Now that he’s done that, time to figure this Jobrani thing out! Daredevil Powers Activate! DOO DOO-DOO DOOOOO!! And by that I mean he takes off his clothes and does the spandex devil costume thing.

He did a background check on Jobrani, there’s nothing on him. “So what makes a Muslim shop owner dangerous in a trial setting? Is he a target of some sort? Because if he is…” Daredevil continues to cavort around town, “…we have that in common.”

Someone in the distance shoots guns full of confetti, which scrambles Daredevil’s radar. He can’t see anything, and for a guy who can’t see anything, that says a lot! Know what I mean?

“This crap’s hanging in the air like a blizzard. I know this gambit. Something’s coming at me–”

Something’s coming at him.

“–but what?”

It’s Captain Motherfucking America’s motherfucking shield.

What the fuck.

Final Thoughts

FUCK Captain America! Does he have to show up in EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. MARVEL. COMIC?? Am I the only asshole who despises this asshole! Argh!

Oh wait, here’s an ultra-groovy Daredevil bonus story courtesy of Mark “Captain America Shield Humper” Waid

Bonus Story

Foggy Nelson is crunching chips loudly in his office and it’s bugging Matt Murdock! Because of the loud sounds, you see.

Anyway, today’s the day! Up and at ‘em! Foggy wants to stay cooped up in the office, but Murdock doesn’t understand! He cannot fathom! “Oh my God, Foggy… we live in New York. The greatest city on Earth.”

They walk around the streets for a bit and get honked at. I don’t see the point in all this quite yet. They stop at a farmer’s market, where Murdock peruses the apricots while Foggy maintains a grumpy disposition indeed! “I don’t get how the sensory overload of Manhattan doesn’t drive you crazy.” Foggy looks like he wants to jump off a bridge.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1

You must be plum crazy, son.

“Do you realize that every single strawberry on this table smells just a little bit different?” Murdock says, smiling into a pile of strawberries, sticking his greasy face right into them. Murdock spends some more time dragging Foggy along for no reason. This is really a waste of my own time, too. I could be reading more Buffy comics instead of this bonus bullshit.

“Anyway, New York. Bustling, moving, jostling… the radar sense that came with the radiation is the gift that took the most getting used to,” Murdock continues, catching the readers up on where and why and how and what and who and from whence his powers came from and what they are and who and how and why. It’s like echolocation, that radar! “Like my brain is constantly pinging my surroundings 360 degrees.” Far out, man.

Anything else you want to tell us about yourself, Matty? Special brain, special tactics. “It’s gotten so that words like ‘rectangular’ or ‘yellow’ or even ‘slim’ or ‘fat’ are not the sorts of terms I tend to think in anymore.” They approach a man busking with a violin in the subway station. “125th Street. Best music in the city.”

Murdock waves a handful of cash and the busker lets him use the instrument. The outcome is not pleasant. He just about saws the poor thing in half… but he gets better… and by the time the fourth train passes through the station, Murdock is playing beautiful music! My guess is it’s “Drive-By Blowjob on a Bicycle” by Agoraphobic Nosebleed. Everyone smiles. Murdock takes a bow.

Foggy and Murdock take the train to the cemetery, where they view Murdock’s dad’s grave.

“Sometimes, in my dreams… just sometimes… I can see.”

“What do you see?”

“…that I want to live.”

Copout answer, chief! But good enough for now.

“I know I’ve been acting a little… uncharacteristically? Since I returned, Foggy.” Murdock frowns. But here’s what I need you to appreciate, okay? It has been a miserable last few years. And every time I thought I’d finally hit bottom, God somehow found me a bigger shovel.”

I keep forgetting this Matt Murdock cat is religious. What a loser.

“All this pain and all this loss and… and I just can’t bear the weight of it anymore and stay sane. I know that. So this is the way I’ve decided to be. You can say I’m in denial. You can decide I’m not dealing or that I’m a jerk… that’s up to you. No offense, but I don’t care. This is how I choose to cope. Is that acceptable to you?”

Murdock exits the cemetery, leaving Foggy there with his many fat thoughts and fat feelings.

“I’m not sure…”

He looks sad!

Final Thoughts, for Real This Time

Fuck Foggy Nelson. Throw his ass in a thresher.


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