Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #20 – “Venom (Part 5)”! We close out yet another thrilling Batman tale. In the previous installment, having successfully detoxed, Batman and Alfred fly to Santa Prisca to confront Porter and Slaycroft. After a few failed attempts to kill and/or detain the intruders, Slaycroft ends up kidnapping Alfred and feeding him to the sharks! But Alfred doesn’t die, oh no sir. Batman beats up sharks for about three pages and saves Alfred.
After knocking Porter out cold, Batman thinks he has won! But, oh no sir, Slaycroft has order his army of indestructible men to KILL THE BATMAN!
So then Batman dies horribly and forever. But, oh no sir, here’s the nail-biting finale.
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #20 [July, 1991]
Written by: Dennis O’Neil
“Venom (Part 5)”
General Slaycroft has ordered his 23 IQ son to kill Batman, and Batman looks nervous. “Tim… Timmy Slaycroft… don’t listen to him…”
Apparently being buff and indestructible means you can’t talk anymore and you always have this angry, sourpuss look on your face. Timmy reaches his hands out to crush Batman’s head like the shriveled grape that it is, and Batman tells him he has information about his mother. His dear, sweet, old mum. It turns out she wasn’t killed in a car crash as Timmy had thought for so, so long. Oh, no no no. She was murdered by a bomb! Didn’t see that one coming, did you? It’s like when Phil Hartman was murdered with a gun, but this was with a bomb. It’s actually entirely different, now that I’m thinking harder about it.
As Timmy tries to land some punches, Batman continues to say that it was General Slaycroft’s fault. But the police couldn’t prove it. General Slaycroft has this angry, sourpuss look on his face.
Even Dr. Porter is like “wtf dude”. General Slaycroft admits to this dastardly murdercrime. “The boy’s mother was a weakling. She was ruining him.”
Batman tries to talk things out with Hulk Boy, but the lad clocks Batman right in the jaw – breaking it into 15,000 pieces! Wouldn’t that be something? I’m loling at the thought!
While on the ground, Batman trips the kid with his legs. Then he holds him down by the neck and tries to talk more sense into him. Trying to remind him that he saved Batman’s life and that he doesn’t want to actually hurt him now. Why would anyone? Batman’s cuddly.
I learned this one when I was in ‘Nam! Just killing all sorts of Charlies! I was on vacation in 1986 at the time.
Batman smacks and boops and bops him with no success. This kid has become a monster at the hands of Dr. Shithead Porter and his father, General Penisface Slaycroft! This won’t do at all. Time for drastic measures…
Nope, none of those. Porter pushes Batman into Timmy’s line of fire. Batman gets knocked in the jaw again, and Timmy lifts him a two feet off the ground by his throat. “Finish him,” General Slaycroft orders while Batman gurgles and burbles. But then Porter is like “no don’t!” because this Batfellow might be useful to them alive. Porter’s brewing up some plans. For now, steal his utility belt and drag his ass to some cabana somewhere.
Or an abandoned castle with a torture dungeon, I guess, according to the very next panel. Hector Lopez, the local drug kingpin, he uses it for fun and he’s going to let Porter and Slaycroft borrow it for a bit! There’s a single steel door that leads out. The walls are made of stone and gum and toothpicks. And there’s a pipe that will slowly fill the chamber with water until Batman either drowns or figures out a clever way to escape through the door without them knowing – whichever comes first.
What’s cool is that the door is 800 pounds, which should be easy to lift for someone addicted to Porter’s delicious pills! Mmm mmmm!!
Well shit sticks, this certainly is a pickle. The men leave Batman alone in the chamber to stew and think and get some tender jerking-off time. He wonders if Alfred was able to escape the island unharmed. Or at least barely harmed. Or at least harmed enough to rattle him a bit for shits and grins.
And, indeed, Alfred escaped the island. He’s in a rowboat in the middle of the sea while seagulls peck at his head. lol.
He’s still got it!
Slaycroft intends to discuss the miserable trap they set up for Batman. Porter tells him to shut his yap. Slaycroft furrows his very furrow-able brow yet again after watching the Mad Scientist pop yet another pill. Porter knows exactly how Batman’s going to play this out, and indeed he does predict and describe Batman’s actions just as Batman performs them! Using a dumbbell weight, he smashes the end of a metal rod flat so that he can use it to scrape the mortar between the bricks. The pills would make all this easier, of course, but we don’t want to become a junkie again just to save your own life. Pish posh.
Meanwhile, after rowing his boat for 45 years, Alfred happens upon a ship in the distance! I hope it’s pirates. Wouldn’t that be fucking funny? God, I hope so. Walking the plank would be the least they’d have him do.
Slaycroft is starting to distrust the overly-confident Porter. This plan can’t possibly be 100% foolproof, no matter how many arrogance pills Porter gulps down.
The ship captain is actually a semi-friendly fellow who will offer to take Alfred to shore for a price. $10,000. Chump change, honestly. Looking at Alfred’s fancy, stereotypical Butler clothes, I would’ve highballed to at least $100 trillion.
After removing a whole bunch of bricks from the wall, Batman looks at the pills thoughtfully again. This shit would be SO MUCH EASIER after getting hopped up. Oh well!
Alfred uses the ship telephone. Narration explains this fascinating tidbit: “Long ago, Alfred learned to imitate Bruce Wayne’s Batman voice perfectly.” That’s gotta be the biggest fucking stretch I’ve ever read in a comic book, and I’ve read about man-sharks. Anyway, Alfred calls up Jim Gordon and growls about getting a military presence in Santa Prisca as soon as possible. Gordon is like “RAAWR! THAT WOULD START A WAR, BONEHEAD!” and hangs up.
I see you’ve played Knifey-Spoony before!
Slaycroft brandishes a knife. Remember those documents that Porter lost in Gotham before they skedaddled to Santa Prisca? Well, Slaycroft wants them replicated and given to him. “You have become unreliable,” Slaycroft says. “I learned certain interrogation techniques in South America.” AHH! Slaycroft his going to tickle him into submission! That’s what I was hoping pirates would do to Alfred. Such a shame.
Batman created a shelf with which he can load bricks onto. The shelf is hanging from the hook. All he needs to do is load up 800 pounds of bricks and the door will open. Huzzah! Genius like this doesn’t grow on trees, I always say.
Porter is crying and bleeding. Slaycroft holds a giant 1991 tape recorder. “Talk,” he tells the blubbering mass of snot and semen.
Batman “Brain Genius” didn’t carve enough bricks out of the wall and now his very large paperweight plan isn’t going to work anymore. The chamber is filled with water up to Batman’s chest. Time for drastic measures: he adds his own weight to attempt to pull down the hook, and the door opens! And, in an act of SUSPENSE, he rolls his ass under the door before it closes shut again.
Porter and Slaycroft cheated, though. Two henchmen are waiting outside the door to manhandle the Bat and give him wedgies and noogies. Batman clunks their heads together and scampers off. “The cool, dry night air is exhilirating after the stale dankness he has been breathing for the past three nights. He pauses to enjoy it.”
Final Thoughts
Just kidding! Man, that joke never gets old. Batman considers hightailing it to shore to find a way off the island, but he decides that he needs to stop Slaycroft and Porter before they wreak more havoc.
Speaking of wreaking havoc, Slaycroft has really wreaked havoc on Porter’s face. The scientist insists that he has told Slaycroft everything he knows about all the plans, but Slaycroft is like “LIAR!” and is like “I will test the information you recorded. If it proves valid, you will die swiftly and painlessly. If it does not, you will die in agony.”
Don’t you wanna just give Slaycroft a big ol’ wet kiss on his lucious mustache?
Daddy’s home!
Next thing you know, Batman does his trademark break-through-a-window-and-slice-himself-the-fuck-up manuever, which proves to be as tried and true as ever. Showdown time with Slaycroft! SWIPE! PUMMEL! LAUNCH! FIST! KICK! SLAP! JERK! GRUNT! “It’s over,” Batman grimaces. “You’re beaten.”
Nope! Time for the big guns! *kisses arms* And now the finale. Slaycroft begins to order his massive son to destroy Batman – even Porter is like NOOOOO!! — but Batman uppercuts Slaycroft and knocks him out cold. before he can even say the word. Timmy remains supine and asleep.
“You did it, didn’t you?” says Porter. “You took the pills.”
“No.”
“Oh, but you did! You must have.”
*opens fist and lets 40 pills drop in Porter’s lap*
Checkmate, bitch. Later, Batman and Porter have a heart-to-heart in a private setting. Batman tells him to stay put. Porter plays back the tape recording and somehow, for some reason, has the voice of Slaycroft ordering Timmy to kill his father. This perks Timmy up, and he wraps his giant hands around Slaycroft’s throat.
Batman tackles Timmy. Timmy drops Slaycroft’s corpse. Timmy mad! Then Timmy sad! Then Timmy cradles Slaycroft. “Father…” he cries.
Now you’ve gone and done it, Porter! More blood on your poop-smeared hands! We find the doctor scuttling around the floor scooping up the pills that Batman dropped and popping them in his mouth.
Batman witnesses Timmy cradling his dead dad and feels sympathy. I bet Bruce Wayne cradled his own dead dad! lmao!
“Satisfied?” he growls at Porter.
“Abundantly, he got what he deserved.”
“Not the kid, damn you. The kid didn’t deserve any of it!”
Oh well, time to move on and blow this popsicle stand and never look back. Batman steals Slaycroft’s helicopter and flies off the island, setting a course for Puerto Rico. He calls Gordon, who is like “RAAWR! THAT WOULD START A WAR, BONEHEAD!” and hangs up.
“I’ll win in the end, you know.” Porter smiles up at Batman. I don’t know why Batman decided to drag Porter’s ass along with him, unless he’s going to dump him in the middle of the ocean. That would be ideal.
But no. Batman’s going to land safely and soundly in Puerto Rico where Gordon is already waiting to apprehend Porter. Gordon is wearing this awful yellow suit with black zigzags. He looks like a mustard bottle.
Happiness is overrated. Bonehead.
Everything has been tied up in a neat package. Porter is alive. Slaycroft is dead. Timmy is sad. It all worked out.
Oh yeah, except for the part where Porter went into withdrawals while imprisoned for two days and died convulsing and sweating and screaming.
“He is remembering a girl named Sissy, and a boy, Timmy… and the shadows he inhabits are cold… and filled with grief.”
Final Thoughts
WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB! Uplifting story as usual! Time to boogie, Batmanophiles! I’ll see you in the funny pages! WOOZLE WUZZLE!
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