Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #18 – “The Underneath (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones meets up with J. Jonah Jameson who is like “RAGGH RAAGGH RRAGGH, WHERE’S MATTIE? GIVE HER BACK” and then she speaks to Malcolm the Teenage Loser who is like “RAGGH RAAGGH RRAGGH I’LL HELP YOU FIND MATTIE!” and then she speaks to Madame Web who is like “RAGGH RAAGGH RRAGGH WE NEED TO FIND MATTIE!”

Meanwhile I’m like “RAGGH RAAGGH RRAGGH WHO CARES?” and I go watch Snoopy cartoons with my two Excellent daughters.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #18 [April, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The Underneath (Part 3)”

We pick up right where we left off: Scott asking Jones what Madame Web made her see. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she says. Scott asks if she was raped and she says “No!!” and calls it such a guy thing to ask. Scott’s like “a-bluhb-bluhb-bluhb” while Jones gets out of bed and prepares to go home. Scott’s like “a-bloo-bloo-bloo” and struggles to talk her out of leaving. It’s cold and wet outside! There are snakes and thieves! Please don’t leave, oh please oh please!

“I just want to point out that you were telling a story! You told me this psychic read your thoughts and found something horrible. You told me all that. You did. All I did was try to continue the conversation and you are wigging out.”

SLAM! That’s the sound of Scott’s head getting thunked against the bedside table. Just kidding! It’s the door.

Jessica Jones returns to her apartment where she warns anyone who may be trespassing that she’s a former superhero and she will break necks if she needs to. Whilst grabbing a cigarette or two, she sees an open bathroom door. “I’m just going to have to fucking move,” she whispers to herself as she grabs some grub out of the ol’ fridge.

Her phone rings. A woman leaves a message on the answering machine, frantically trying to get Jones to pick up the phone. “Fuck you, Carol,” Jones says to the voice.

Scott Lang is old news, sister. They don’t call him “Ant-Man” for nothing, you know. Check the penis.

Carol Danvers doesn’t read the room very well, mostly because she’s not actually in the room to begin with! Nevertheless, Jones ignores Carol and slumps on her couch, forgetting to set an alarm and scrambling to get ready for work in the morning. A real paying job! A bodyguard for Matt fuckin’ Murdock. Ever heard of him? “The tabloids outed him as Daredevil. Can you believe that shit? They just outed him. ‘The man without fear’ outed as a blind Hell’s Kitchen lawyer.”

So what? Who cares? I certainly don’t. I’ve moved on!

Anyway, Murdock is fighting and suing everyone and requires bodyguards like tall, muscular Luke Cage and small, not-so-muscular Jessica Jones to hang around the office and walk him to work. Or maybe he’s just blind and needs other people’s eyeballs! But what really happens is that they keep the media out of Murdock’s face. She hates taking his money, but she needs his money. That’s the long and short of it.

“The only thing that really irritates me about this gig is that any asshole with two eyes can see that he really is Daredevil – and that I’m just here for show.” And she hates that Murdock probably told Luke Cage that he’s Daredevil, but he never actually told Jessica Jones straight-on. She gets her petty revenge by waiting at the stairs outside his house. She never knocks. She also smokes around him “just to be a bitch.”

This particular day they do a little walk-and-talk, Sorkin-style! He hasn’t seen her in a couple of days. She’s been shooting the shit with J. Jonah Jameson about Spider Girls and — “Jameson had a superhero girl living in his house?” Murdock asks – then Jameson fucking flips out at her about it. Jones basically tells him everything that we the readers already know about the situation at hand. After telling Murdock that Jameson threatened her, Murdock agrees to call Jameson and be like “don’t do that anymore, you big greasy honky.”

A woman named Tara Woods from the local news tries to steamroll Murdock and Jones with questions, but neither of them are having it. It doesn’t matter anyway, because by the time Jones gets back to her building they are interrupted by Malcolm the Nerd and his friend Laney, who are trying to grind the staircase handrails with skateboards. “What the FUCK are you doing?” Jones yells, scolding Malcolm for once again stalking her place of business. The scolding is short-lived, because Malcolm did what Jones asked him to do: find a person who knows or saw Spider-Woman. That’s Laney for ya!

Excuse me while I pull the monocle out of my glass of champagne.

Jones interrogates Laney in her office. “So my brother thinks he’s a hot shit. Basically. He thinks he’s going to be, like, the next Kingpin. Or something. But in reality, he’s a fucking junkie and drug dealer.”

Smiling amusedly, Jones asks for more information about her brother. His name is Denny and his skinny ass will be in prison within a year! The dude is making bank, yo. New car, new clothes. Maybe he’s selling heroin? Who knows. Anyway, he’s fucking Spider-Woman. Laney met her once at the mall. She looked like she was on drugs.

Anyway, Denny partnered up with a Lithuanian dude named Ivan who had a superhero girlfriend, which is why Denny wanted one too. He doesn’t live at home anymore, and it’s likely that Mattie Franklin is in his condo or whatever all strung out. Laney doesn’t have an address, but she knows that Denny hangs out at Club 616.

Malcolm is like “Fuck yeah, Jessica muthafuckin’ Jones! Give me a job!”

After ignoring the little bastard, Jones shoos them both out of her office and prepares to check out Club 616. It’s nighttime now, and there’s a long line of schmoes waiting to get in. The bouncer bounces Jones even though she’s semi-attractive and semi-looking for a good time. She tries to play the superhero card, but since she wasn’t an Avenger it’s nothing doing. Back behind the ropes, sister.

Don’t worry, dear readers! Jessica Jones has an ace up her sleeve! Here’s what she does: she goes home and dresses really slutty and kinky. It works! Into Club 616 she goes.

The backroom where all the sex is happening? Please say it ain’t so!

Knowing that the ladies’ room is the best place for gossip, Jones slinks on in and listens to everyone – and there are about a dozen of them – talk amongst themselves about banal topics such as fake titties and ugly one-night stands. Jones stands there with a scowl on her face.

“Any of you know a guy named Denny?” she interrupts. “Skinny Russian guy, great car?” One of the women implies that Denny has a big dick. She knows him and can introduce him to Jones right away. He lives in the club like a sleaze and he’s in the back, so be cool and freshen up that ol’ pussy.

The backroom has a douchebag flappin’ his trap about shaking someone down for money while a guy on a couch barely listens. A girl in a Spider-Woman costume is passed out with her head in his lap. He and Jessica Jones exchange looks.

Looks like we’re going to get to the bottom of this, eh?! Eh?! Ha!

Final Thoughts

I don’t have any final thoughts on this. We’re just getting started! Although I will say that Jessica Jones getting all dolled up is quite– No. I will not stoop to crassness! Not today!

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “The Underneath (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Jessica Jones comes home after a long day of bustin’ convenience store robbers to find a teenage girl dressed as Spider-Man in her bathroom. After a quick, perplexing getaway, Jones calls Scott “Ant-Man” “Paul Rudd” Lang to help, but really she just wants to fuck him. So it goes.

Jones learns that the girl is named Mattie Franklin, and J. Jonah Jameson just might have some insight as to who she is… eh?… eh?… Read on, gentle reader. Maybe it’s his teenage lover. He’s into that kind of thing, you know.

Alias (Vol. 1), Issue #17 [March, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The Underneath (Part 2)”

Scott Lang is fucking Jessica Jones doggystyle. It’s not very graphic, but you can at least see that much. He’s all panting and sweating, and she’s not even close to into it. “Can we stop?” she says while he grunts like Tim the Tool Man Taylor. Scott asks if he did anything wrong, and other than everything, she says it’s nothing. “It’s me, it’s not you.” The oldest line in the book. She slumps onto her pillow, leaving Scott’s boner sad and unsatisfied.

“I shouldn’t have come over tonight,” she says while Scott cries and pours out a little liquor for his dead boner. “I’m just in a shit mood.”

Scott tries to get Jones to talk, but she clams up. “I told you before… I’m genuinely interested in your job,” he goads. “Did you go talk to that J. Jonah dickface?” Yes, she did. And she recounts the whole dang tale…

They sit in his limo quietly, which is weird because Jameson loves hearing the sound of his own whiny voice. As more and more silence creeps by, Jones becomes increasingly aware of how little she wants to spend time with this, and I quote, “piece of garbage”. He’s everything that’s wrong with American journalism. She oughta punch him in the kisser. She oughta–

“The thing is, Mr. Jameson, as I said, I don’t know the story between you and this girl. All I know is that she was staying with you and your wife. And that she dresses like Spider-Man and it looks like she has some kind of abilities to back it up.” Also, the home invasion. Also, she seemed strung out. Also, she took a big shit on Jessica Jones’–

Money and pussy. It makes the world go ‘round. And hamburgers.

“Where is she now?” Jameson interrupts. And he asks again when Jones says she doesn’t know. “To come here like this and dangle that girl over my head. She’s just a child. You people are all the same.” He points a poop-smeared accusatory finger at her. “Preying on people’s fears and hopes. You piece of trash.”

Jameson continues ranting while Jones kind of makes a sleepy annoyed face. He smells a scam, and he’s going to get to the bottom of it come hell or high water! And if something happens to the girl, then Jones is going to answer for it. He’ll make damn sure of that, boy howdy!

Jameson kicks her out of the car after threatening her no less than three times to return the girl or else. Jones walks down the streets of New York in the rain with her head hung down like Charlie Brown. “So… basically… that blew up in my face.”

Going to the cops wasn’t an option because cops suck, so now we’re at square one. Jones regrets not going to the cops, but, again, cops suck, so it would have been hella futile. Anyway, no more fucking for you tonight, Joy Boy. Beat it.

The next morning, Jessica Jones sits at her desk with a cigarette poring over her laptop. Wearing her private investigator hat, she peruses any info she already has on the girl. Mattie Franklin. Lived with Jameson. Her S.H.I.E.L.D. file names Jessica Drew – Spider-Woman – as an associate. There’s also Madame Web, whoever the fuck that is. Even Jones doesn’t know, and she’s supposed to know all the Marvel people for me.

Gargle my balls.

Jones does a search for Jessica Drew and calls the very first number that pops up in the results, which looks like a very real number to me. If you prank call that number, don’t bring me into that shit. Anyway, the outgoing voicemail message tells Jones that Jessica Drew fucked off to Istanbul for a month, so leave a message. Jones calls her cell phone and leaves a message about Mattie Franklin and how she needs help finding her. Thanks and bye.

She stares at the computer, having completely exhausted all her idea. Oh well. Time for a sandwich.

Remember Malcolm? I barely do! He’s a teenage nerd who is obsessed with Jones and he pops into her office every two days. This time he shows up to ask if she knows Captain America. “What do you think about him coming out?” Malcolm asks, and not in a gay way. He revealed his secret identity recently! Isn’t that fucked up? “Don’t you have parents or homework?” Jones asks him, clearly and visibly perturbed. Malcolm continues to say that Jessica Jones outed herself first and Captain America is just a copycat. Jones calls him irritating and asks him to leave.

“Malcolm. I gotta work.”

“Can I help?”

“No.”

“This — you should know this – I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of stupid shit. Plus, I’m a real gung-ho guy. You are wasting my obvious talents.”

I can hear this kid creaming his pants through my computer screen.

Jones facepalms and then gives in, much to Malcolm’s surprise. She asks him if he knows Spider-Woman (he knows three). We’re talking the one his age. Find her and try not to hit on her. Or find someone who knows her. Or find someone who knows someone who knows her. Anyway, come up with something by 5pm or it’s Fist-to-Face City.

Malcolm asks for a job if he finds her for Jones. Jones begrudgingly agrees. The kid could really prove to be helpful, you know? She pays in Cool Ranch Doritos from the vending machine.

The kid books it, obviously hard as a rock at the prospect of sleuthing around with Jessica Jones! Jones gets back to her work. Her phone rings and it’s Madame Web. She wants to meet jones that night at 7. Here’s her address. Thanks and bye.

Well, that was convenient.

Jessica Jones shows up at 7:12, fashionably late as usual. Madame Web’s assistant, Tina, welcomes her into the apartment. Then she leads her to the roof, where Madame Web sits shrouded in darkness like a very mysterious so-and-so. Webby thanks Jones for being late, because she foresaw the lateness and that means that her powers aren’t on the fritz. “Lately my abilities have betrayed me… the last few weeks have not been my best.”

They have a friendly chit-chat. You know, the usual topics. Movies. Boys. Mattie Franklin. Web knows that Jones saw her name in Mattie’s file. Guess what? Web is trying to find her, too. “I fear she is in terrible trouble… I have not heard from her in quite a while and I cannot see her in the astral plane.” Also, Webster can’t see the girl’s futures. This, quite certainly, is the most terrifying part of the disappearance.

Speaking of futures, Web sees Mattie in Jones’ future. This is most exciting! OK, let’s try this… Web sees darkness. In pain among strobing lights. She is dancing in a nightclub. Jones is angry with her, so she starts a fight. Oh god, she kills her! She kills Mattie with fists of fury! Then you get killed by someone! Then you kill another! Oh the humanity! That’ll be $5.

“Kill her? What are you talking about?” Jones says, throwing up her hands. “I don’t understand.”

Believe it, sister. Also, Web changes the subject on a dime and, after invading Jones’ mind, feels sorry for what happened in her past. Jones gets mad at this intrusion and gives her a piece of her mind!

Alias Comics are not for children under 34.

Jones storms out of there in a huffing fury. And now we’re back to where we started: In bed with some Ant-like loser.

“What did she see that upset you?” Scott asks.

Jones is sad-faced and silent.

Final Thought

Madame Web probably saw Jessica Jones overdosing on heroin in bed next to Jesse Pinkman. How’s that for a reference?