The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 22: “Watchers”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

We finally return to Moiraine over in Tar Valon, who is having a conversation with Lan. Things get so tense — so very, very tense — that she actually makes him visibly mad! Such a thing has never happened before in her memory! What are they talking about? Lan’s micropenis? Who’s going to be doing the dishes that evening? Nonsense, poopypants! They talk about when they first met, how Lan threw Moiraine in a pond for some reason. This particular point was never to be brought up again. She retaliated in kind, and she still wonders if there is any friction to this day because of this. He says no, probably through gritted teeth, but he says no all the same.

This is the part that pissed Lan off: if Moiraine were to die, she has made arrangements to pass him off to some other Aes Sedai (foreshadowing!). Like a fucking hamster or some shit. The woman in question is named Myrelle, and she’ll take good care of him. Feed him all the good food pellets, let him run around in the wheel, refresh his water bottle every day. He’ll live a life of a king!

Moiraine is not shy to question Lan’s loyalty to her, and she wonders why Lan kept taking Rand aside to tell him all that lordly information. He merely tells her that he felt bad for Rand and wanted to throw the kid a bone or two, yo. Moiraine stops prodding and Lan walks away, leaving her with her thoughts. Thoughts like that tramp Nynaeve and how she’s a bad influence on Lan. Why, it’s almost enough to make Moiraine jealous! What a weird thought. I thought Aes Sedai were married to the Wheel or something. She and Lan can’t fuck! Plus, he probably smells.

An Aes Sedai named Vandene enters the room and Moiraine grills her for information. I start to glaze over at this point, since it’s about prophecies and Dragons and Toman Head and Tarmon Gai’don and a’vron and ma’vron and Lanfear. It all amounts to Vandene getting suspicious that Moiraine might know something about the Dragon Reborn, and Moiraine half-lies about her knowledge.

The chapter ends with a Draghkar attack. I think these are like bats that fly around all Dark One-style. She almost dies, probably, before Lan and another Warder named Jaem come save her. Moiraine suspects that the Draghkar was warded to prevent them all from sensing it, which is some Black Ajah hoodoo.

Black Ajah hoodoo seems like a fun diversion. I want to learn more about it. I’m sure becoming one with the Black Ajah involves a lot of Invader Zim and trips to Hot Topic. That reference doesn’t age me at all, does it?


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Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “Venom (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 5 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “Venom (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Batman fails to save a little girl from drowning in the sewer and he gets all hard on himself as he usually does. Alfred snarks his way through this, but starts getting concerned when Bruce continues to Bat around even after attempting to deadlift 600 pounds and busting his shoulder up something terrible.

The happy father of the dead girl makes these awesome pep pills that Batman starts taking so he can be Mr. Tough Guy! He laughs like a loon at the end of the issue, signifying a descent into madness! MADNESS!

I wanna see how mad he gets! Batman’s madness knows no bounds.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17 [April, 1991]
Written by: Dennis O’Neil
“Venom (Part 2)”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

Look at the cover art! MADNESS!

I forgot to mention Mr. Fedora Man in the “Previously On” section, but this guy is mysterious as all get-out. Long story really short, he busts up some kind of hideout and beats the absolute shit out of a few burly dudes. Strong as shit. He holds one up against the wall by his neck: “The man. The connection. Your supplier. The scum that sells you drugs.”

Panama! Ha!

“Willie…” gibbers the victim of this hand-against-neck crime. “Big guy, who hands at Slick’s car service…”

Oooooh, Slick eh? Slick is a slippery fellow. Like oil. Slick.

“I’d put Willie in the hospital six hours earlier,” Fedora Man says, slamming this dude’s head against the ceiling. “It’d been fun. I hate junkies.”

Well, that’s been quite a trip. Time to see what kind of sass Alfred has to dish out right now! OHHHH SNAP! Oh snippity snap! Mr. Fedora Man was Bruce Wayne this entire time. Fucking loony, man! This nutter is off his rocker, for serious! “And what, may I ask, was the point of this exercise?” Alfred asks this smiling douchebag.

“Scare ‘em, Alfred.”

Alfred says they committed no crime, but you know what? FUCK those guys! Here’s a list of crimes for ya: 1) pulling the tag off the mattress, 2) wearing white after Labor Day. The list goes on! 3) ketchup on steak.

OK, well, they did none of this stuff recently and—oh, never mind. I see you’re going to bench press a 600-lb load of garbage again. Very well.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

The Toxicology 101 final is tomorrow and you’re just now buying the book, sir?

Bruce got himself a book on toxicology, probably to learn more about the pills he’s crushing up and snorting by the handful. Meanwhile, he lifts 690 pounds over his head. “Not to shabby, huh?” Bruce says, grinning like a doofus. “I am positively choked with admiration,” Alfred responds.

Alfred, man. That guy fucks.

The butler points out that all this crushing and melting and injecting of the pills into his overly large veins was supposed to free up gym time in order to read up on stuff like toxicology and current events and My Little Pony fan fiction. And yet here he is, hunched over barbells and basically showing off his penis. “Maybe I’ve gotten past the need to read,” Bruce responds, dropping another couple of pills into his hand. “Maybe that was just a phase I had to get through? You ever think of that?”

That shut Alfred up! For about three microseconds. He lifts up Bruce’s smelly Batman uniform and asks why he has abandoned it for trench coats and fedoras like a real neckbeard incel. Bruce’s answer is basically this: “I ‘unno.”

“I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of,” Bruce retorts after Alfred says something along the lines of “You should be ashamed of yourself”. “And if you think I do,” he continues, “maybe you’re one of them!”

“One of whom?”

“The weaklings, the snivelers who’ve let the city become a sewer because they’re afraid to do what has to be done.”

Alfred has had enough. He’s walking away, never to return. See you soon.

Batman decides in a brief moment of “clarity”, whatever that even is in his old state, that perhaps he too hard on his old boy. No matter. He decides that he does want to don his Batman jammies and hit the town.

Hit the town to get more delicious pills, that is!

“Good to see you again,” says Dr. Randolph Whozits, eyeballing Batman evilly. I mean, come on. Batman sniffs and twitches and tells him “good to see you too yeah yeah where are they man where are the pills man good to see you too”.

NO! First, Randolph Porter wants Batman to meet a one General Timothy Ashton Slaycroft, President of Toilet Paper! He looks like he’s the president of toilet paper. Also, he was in the military for forty wasted years. Also, he smells like starch.

Nice to meet you champ now the pills please ok?

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

You can go fuck your whole entire self, Smiley.

First, General Timothy Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore wants to strike a deal with the cowled one. Be a consultant for a project he’s working on. Batman says ok but the pills please now.

There are only four! WHAT THE FUCK! FOUR PILLS! THEY’RE GONNA BE GONE BEFORE HE EVEN WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM! GAHHH! Dr. Porter needs to make more. The well of the secret ingredient has run dry (human feces). “Can you return later in the week?”

Sure sure fine sure ok fine whatever. He’ll just check on the punks who kidnapped Porter’s daughter. The one he doesn’t care much about? Maybe he can wring some necks and blow dandelions in their faces.

Batman leaves, and now it’s a pow-wow between Porter and General Mustache. “You notice how dull he seemed?” Porter cleans his glasses. “And how anxious he was to get the capsules? Another week and he’s ours.”

A problem arises! If Batman catches wind that Porter’s been feeding him information that comes directly from the bad guys he’s trying to thwart, then there’s going to be HELL TO PAY! Porter has been using Batman to wipe out their competition, facilitating Porter’s business ventures! Tee hee hee!

However, now that Mr. General is paying for Porter’s pill endeavors, that makes these goons useless. Go bomb them immediately, Colonel.

Meanwhile, Batman catches a kid hanging out in Porter’s yard and tackles the everliving fuck out of him. “Okay, punk. You’ve got about three seconds to tell me who you are and what you want before I rip your head off.”

It’s just General Slaycroft’s kid, jerk. Batman unhands him and tells him to stand in the light instead of the shadows so that self-appointed vigilantes don’t murder him in cold blood for no reason. Dig? Bye now.

“He has one more place to be before dawn. A place he’d been asked to avoid,” explains the helpful narration. “But he is who he is, and nobody tells him what to do.”

It’s the hideout of the two whipper-snappers who killed the Sewer Girl.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

Refrigerator throwing, coming to an Olympics near you.

Batman looks out the window and sees two men trying to book it to their car. He takes a refrigerator and throws it through the brick wall and right onto the car, smashing it to pieces and killing (I think) one of the two guys. Batman reaches into the crushed car and pulls out the other guy. “You did the dirtbags upstairs. You’re gonna tell me why – but not right away. First–” he throws the fucker to the ground, “–I’m gonna hurt you a while.”

Capital idea, Mr. Good Guy! Too bad you get interrupted by a drive-by shooter who kills the guy that Batman was about to basically kill. Then a sound of an Uzi in the distance. Then the killer gets killed! Then an engine roars! Then tires screech! A sedan peels off and disappears into the night! Where are my pants?! This is insanity!

Sirens blare in the distance! Fuck that noise, Batman ain’t sticking around to answer any question from the pigs. He’s addled on goofball drugs. Time to book it home and see if Alfred made his Kid Cuisine.

Later that night, and I do mean much, much later, we find Captain James W.E.B. Dubois Gordon burning the candle at both ends as per usual. Batman pops in with the intention of heading off rumors, I suppose. “I was wondering when you’d show up – if you’d show up. It’s been three months. Been on vacation?” Batman scowls at this line of QUESTIONING FROM THE PRIME PIG HIMSELF. OINK OINK.

“I don’t know who’s been going around busting heads. Some guy in a hat and trench coat.” Gordon’s face is obscured by the smoke of his disgusting poop-shaped cigar. “Tell me about that.”

“No comment.”

Gordon tells Batman that he looks beefier. Literally. He says the word “beefier”. Batman attributes this newfound beefiness to a healthy breakfast of fortified cereal! Also hella drugs. Also, this meeting isn’t going the way he intended! Captain Gordon gets to stare out the window while Batman suddenly fucks off into the night. “Something is wrong,” says the ever omniscient narrator. “Usually he rejoices in this – swinging across the roof of his city, feeling the energy, the excitement, the sheer life of it… but not tonight. Tonight the city is just an accumulation of stone, steel, and flesh. And he is just a man on a rope.”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

I forgot that he took the kids to a motel.

General Halftrack and Dr. Randolph Chumley discuss a sudden inquiry from a one Capt. Jim Gordon. This buttfucker is asking questions? Oink oink! “My contacts downtown tell me Gordon won’t quit and can’t be bought.” The General stares out the front door at nothing in particular. This could not bode well for their crime-related crimes! “And one fine day he’ll arrive with warrants.”

Porter assures General Wedge Antilles that no one can prove he was the one with the machine gun (!) who gunned down the killer last night (!!). So relax.

(!!!)

Plus, it can be proven that he fired the gun to save Batman’s life!

Speaking of the Bat, he’s shirtless again in his Cave of Wonders. No Alfred at his beck and call, either. The guy quit! Can’t stand the ravings of his master anymore! He can go butler someone else. I hear Snoop Dog is pretty low maintenance.

With no one to talk to except the bats hanging around the ceiling, he starts muttering to himself about the previous night. Trying to connect the dots, see? That kid he almost killed, General Slaycroft’s slow son. What was he actually doing there on the property besides stroking his muddy schlong? Did he get into that car? Maybe he got shot? Shit, it’s hard to focus. Where’s muh pills?

Shit, he’s having a hard time lifting 690 pounds! Nothing like a healthy dose of—WHAT THE FUCKING CUNT FUCKING BITCH FUCK?!?! NO MORE PILLS?!?!? ANGRY!!! “Porter. His fault. Should have given me more like I asked. Thinks he can get away with it, does he? He’s got another think coming!”

Immediately, Bruce puts on his Batman outfits and kicks down Porter’s door. “Give them to me.”

Well, that’s rude, sir! Not even a knock or a kiss hello?

“Give what to you?”

“You know.”

“–But I want you to tell me.”

“The pills.”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

That mouth of yours sure is pretty, Batman…

“Are you prepared to earn them?” butts in the General. This takes Batman aback. He’s not fucking here to earn anything. Least of all a paycheck. Least of all the pills!

You see, Porter and Slaycroft are in cahoots over a joint business venture! “We’re trying to create a group of special human beings. The first step is the pills you have grown so fond of…”

Step 2 is ???. Step 3 is proft. See what I did there? I’m dating myself with that horseshit meme.

So Porter gets funded. Slaycroft gets to have a bunch of coked-up Batman-types who can rid the city, the country, the world, of “junkies, cheats, shiftless incompetents that are sucking us dry”.

Batman is finding it hard to concentrate on what these two smarty men are saying. They keep talking and it all sounds pretty hunky-dory I guess. Pills please.

There’s just one problem. Batman is presented with a photo of a man with glasses, a mustache, and a pipe. “Do you know who this is?” Looks like Groucho Marx! Barring that, it’s Jim Gordon.

“Very good. Now, what we’d like you to do should be very simple, very easy,” says Porter.

“Kill him,” says Slaycroft.

“Understand?” asks Porter.

…

…

…

“No sweat,” says Batman.

(!!!!)

Final Thoughts

I see that this is the storyline where Captain Jim Gordon bites the big one. And before he even becomes Commissioner! That’s rather inconvenient!

Oh well.


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Ahab, Lankum, and 100 gecs

Hey, I did another one this year! Here are reviews for albums from Ahab, Lankum, and 100 gecs.

Ahab – The Coral Tombs
(January 13, 2023)

Ahab - The Coral Tombs

How can one describe a funeral doom metal band with the phrase “dreadfully boring”? How about this: “monolithically boring”. Perhaps I’m not equipped to rate funeral doom without any bias, considering I like generally like my metal fast-paced or sludgy. I decided to check out Ahab anyway, since they seem to be the cornerstone of good funeral doom these days. Let’s see how The Coral Tombs fares.

The opener, “Prof. Arronax’s Descent into the Vast Oceans” (what a name) is promising; heavy and crushing like Nibbler’s dark matter turds. Even kind of sludgy! As you already read, this ticks one of my boxes! But then that hallmark of doom metal — the slow, wailing, clean vocals and clean guitars — paves the way for the rest of the track’s seven minutes. Now, the track name is apt because Ahab is meant to conjure up being stuck in the middle of a vast, swirling ocean in the dead of night. I’m not sure that works for me. Such an image is done better by other bands, such as… The Ocean! I’m only half-kidding.

The more interesting bits are definitely when vocalist Daniel Droste sticks to harsh, guttural growls. It adds a lot more weight to the dense heaviness that the genre requires. “Colossus of the Liquid Graves”, for example, alternates between the harsh and the clean vocals and, to my ear, the switch-ups keep things from getting too drone-y and uninteresting. But then there are tracks like “The Sea as a Desert”, which conjures up images of nothingness with acoustic guitar that plods along at a steady, slow tempo. And then it switches up with electric guitar that plods along at a steady, slow tempo! See, best of both worlds!

In the end, The Coral Tombs is roughly half-and-half. The super slow, clean singing absolutely kills it for me on one hand, but when the music has more CHUTZPAH then I can groove along a little better. I just think that once you’ve heard one funeral doom album, you’ve heard them all. Better served as background music while playing Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. Oh, and over an hour? Too long! Sorry, Ahab.

Early Verdict:

Lankum – False Lankum
(March 24, 2023)

Lankum - False Lankum

Do I know enough about traditional Irish folk music to act as a critic for contemporary traditional Irish folk music? Hardly! But I sure do know enough about music to know that something ain’t completely right with these songs. The four-piece draw from, what I imagine to be, a rich history of unyielding Irishness spanning centuries to create a unique product that they can call their very own. The Quietus put False Lankum as the very best album released so far in 2023, and although I think that this is quite an overstatement, I can’t help but feel that I see where they’re coming from. And I don’t even really like Irish folk-influenced stuff like the Pogues or Flogging Molly. But this stuff is kinda cool!

The first thing I notice, even before anything weird happens, is the murkiness of the production. The music sounds muddy, like a medieval festival during a rainy, overcast day. Once Radie Peat finishes her compelling, lilting vocals on the opening track “Go Dig My Grave”, a take on the traditional “Butcher Boy” folk ballad, it segues into this cascading, massive drone for the rest of the song. Something monumental is happening here — larger than life — causing the listener to get fully absorbed in the music. It worked for me. Something clicked right away, like I already knew this music forever but was startled by its sudden eerie Swans-like dirge.

The muddiness of the production never goes away, but the moods and attitudes change throughout. The jaunty dance of “Newcastle”. The baleful balladry of “On a Monday Morning”. The immense twelve-minute closer “The Turn” that locks you into a hypnotic mess of mild industrial screeching and scraping. It all feels so intimate and immediate, like Lankum is using their best tricks to sweep you up into the music. And it fucking works, man. It fucking works.

Big happy smile on this one. Will it make my year end list? SPOILER ALERT: PROBABLY. THIS YEAR HAS BEEN KIND OF DISAPPOINTING SO FAR.

Early Verdict:

100 gecs – 10,000 gecs
(March 17, 2023)

100 gecs - 10,000 gecs

As far as I can tell, 100 gecs is the band that everyone hates to love. Consisting of dynamic duo Laura Les and Dylan Brady, they represent the queer late-stage millennial’s answer to the question no one asked: “What if I wanted some extremely hyperactive glitch pop soaked to the brim in autotune and glistening with an extremely tacky sheen.”

It’s hard to peg 100 gecs because they do a lot at once. “Dumbest Girl Alive” presents thrash metal guitars and trap beats. “Hollywood Baby” sounds like your average Charli XCX pop ballad. “I Got My Tooth Removed” harkens back to the good old days of skankin’ third-wave ska. All the while Les and Brady indulge in excess, packing each minute with so much over-stimulation that it’s the musical equivalent of eating an enormous brick of fudge. And it’s so fucking fun, too. Boiled down to its essence, it’s fucking fun music. Unless you’re a boring stick in the mud who gets annoyed by the MUSIC OF KIDS TODAY (even though these two are pushing 30), I dare you to not find something to like about 10,000 gecs.

The highlights are many, but the ones that get stuck in my head the most are “Dumbest Girl Alive”, with brilliant lyrics throughout (“Text, text, text, text/Like you tryin’-na start a fight/Yeah, I’ll fuckin’ text you back/I’m the dumbest girl alive“), “Frog on the Floor”, with its hilarious ribbits on the off-beats during the chorus (“Frog on the floor/Where’d he come from?/Nobody knows/Where he’ll go“), and the best song “I Got My Tooth Removed”, with its full-brassed ska and painful, wince-inducing lyrics (“My cheek swelled up twice its size and I started attracting flies/I’m playing Operation with a safety pin and start to cry“). You can tell the duo are absolutely enjoying themselves, and listening to these songs you get a sense that there is likely a bottomless well of songwriting that is just waiting to be tapped. I, for one, am greatly looking forward to 1,000,000 gecs.

Early Verdict:


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 21: “The Nine Rings”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

In the inn, The Nine Rings, Rand does some people-watching and sizes up the clientele. The common room is full of soldiers. The innkeeper pegs Rand as a lord based on his ornate technicolor dreamcoat and Selene as a lady based on her dress that’s so white that even white looks like shit. A lot of unlord- and unladylike behavior baffles the innkeeper throughout the whole chapter, basically. Like, they aren’t going to sleep together in the same bed, and they allow SERVENTS (i.e. Hurin) to sit with them for dinner, examples of that ilk. The innkeeper notices Rand’s (Thom’s) flute case and Rand offers, unlordylike, to play a few songs for the miserable and gross clientele. He does happily, showing Selene that he is most certainly not a fucking lord. Fuck her.

An officer in the room approaches Rand after his festive flutin’ and apologizes for his soldiers singing along crassly. Rand doesn’t give a shit, he can be crass too! Watch this: “Boobs.” The man is Captain Caldevwin, and he recognizes him as some sort of Aiel scum (probably) and congenially grills him to get some proof that he is actually from the Two Rivers. After Caldevwin asks Rand for Selene’s name, SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE A SERVING GIRL DROPS A LAMP. How convenient! Dark One in a dress, this one. Watch out for it.

Selene excuses herself to her quarters. Rand asks Caldevwin what he knows about the magic crystal sphere out yonder. It’s part of a statue from the Age of Legends, and he and his men have been ordered to excavate it by some regal House. And hey, since he and his men are travelling to Cairhien tomorrow, how about they all join Rand and his fellow adventurers! Yippie!

Later, feeling like Caldevwin was acting suspicious, Rand gets some info from Hurin and Loial about Daes Dae’mar — the Game of Houses. It’s basically just Game of Thrones, all the rich elites fighting amongst themselves like a bunch of bratty children. Rand has no interest in partaking, even accidentally.

The next day, Selene is gone. She had left a note to Rand that they can meet up again in Cairhien. This confuses Caldevwin, who thinks that Rand and Selene are fucking, and Rand suspects that Caldevwin suspects that Rand suspects that Caldevwin suspects that something is going on. Some real Game of Houses shit.

Selene, of course, needs to go home and polish her devil horns!


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Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 5)”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Pride and Joy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #5 – “Pride and Joy (Chapter 5)”! In the previous installment, the parents start catching on that the kids are starting to catch on. While the kids inspect Mr. Stein’s shed at Chase’s house, they get caught and are almost thwarted! But then they get away in time.

The issue ends with two sets of parents in Molly’s bedroom while she’s sound asleep. “You have to stop playing these games… or I’m afraid we’ll have no choice but to do something terrible to your young friend Molly.”

So, that’s rather fucked up. Let’s see where that goes.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [November, 2003]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan
“Pride and Joy (Chapter 5)”

Runaways (Vol. 1) Issue #5

THE HAYES RESIDENCE – 5:34am

Mr. Yorkes holds an axe. The Drs. Hayes have these creepy glowing eyeballs. “The call is in,” says Mrs. Yorkes into her phone. “I told the children that unless they surrender themselves to us within the hour, Molly will be executed.”

Eek!

“Do you honestly think they’ll fall for a bluff like that?” asks Mr. Yorkes after Mrs. Hayes hangs up the phone.

Not so eek.

These parents still can’t believe that the kids witnessed their sacrificial ritual, what’r dey gonna du? They weren’t supposed to know about The Pride until they turned eighteen! There was supposed to be *counts on fingers* some years until that happened!

Molly ain’t gonna wake up because she’s been hella sedated. Telepathically. Cool! Oh wait, she’s stirring. I guess she’s gonna not ain’t wake up after all. Dr. Momma Hayes takes off her bad-guy mask and attends to her daughter.

“My… my stomach is all hurtie,” Molly groans. She didn’t have a good night; all the other kids were acting strange around her. All like “get out of the corridor, Molly” and “get into the bathroom, Molly” and “eat this strange thing we found on the floor, Molly”. The last thing didn’t happen, but it would’ve explained her stomachache. She mentions that Gert made her feel like she was cursed or something. “I didn’t really believe her, but then a little blood came out of my–”

Whoops! Ok, that’s enough! Go back to sleep!

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Driving into a lake is the way to do it. It’s worked for people in the past!

ROADSIDE REST STOP (CLOSED FOR REPAIRS) — 5:43am

Roadside rest stops are where you go for some anonymous bonin’! No boning here, though, as much as Chase would probably like to. Would they try to kill Molly? Nico’s mom allegedly tried to kill her. Staff of One right in the chest, remember? At any rate, going to the cops is probably not a good idea anymore. It isn’t anyway. Cahoots and whatnot.

“We should go into hiding, Saddam-style. Like I said, I know this awesome abandoned–”

Chase is cut off before he can talk again about his heroin den. It’s going to end up being something really fucking cool and good that they should’ve done ages ago. Wait and see. Alex suggests charging into Molly’s house and rescuing her from the Big Bads. “Don’t be stupid Alex!” Gert furrows her brow angrily. “The last time we tried to fight a few of our parents, we barely got out alive!” That’s a fair point, that DID just happen literally 50 minutes ago. Alex says no one else has to come, he can do it himself. The idea just got dumber, my friends.

No way, Alex. He’s the only one that doesn’t seem to have anything special going on. Karolina has her alien flying/zapping powers. Gert has her 900th-dimension dinosaur. Nico has a Staff of One lodged inside her. Chase has the so-called Fistigons, which he suddenly figured out how to weaponize (against his parents’ hopes). They blast out fire. Like flamethrower gloves. “Oh. Well… that totally rocks.”

Yes, these seem to be a good way to gain the advantage. Then it’s settled: everyone’s going to help plain Jane over here. The one without any powers or cool toys. Just an expiring MMORPG subscription.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #5

All your children are stupid enough. If only you knew. One of them is going to probably try jerking off with flamethrower gloves.

THE HAYES RESIDENCE – 5:48am

Mrs. Dean showed up as soon as she could. Mr. Dean got stuck in Manhattan taking care of some Skrull business, whatever the hell that might be. I don’t care. I don’t care about Skrull. I don’t care about Kree. I barely care about humans. Bring on the mutants!

They all catch up. The Steins and the Minorus aren’t answering their phones since they got beat up by children. The Wilders are making Plan B preparations in case the kids don’t show up to try to waste them.

Cool. They’re going to wait and see what happens.

ACROSS THE STREET – 6:26am

The kids have paired off. Chase and Karolina are crouched behind bushes keeping a lookout. Alex and Nico are heading toward the Hayes house preparing for Phase One (doing the getting Molly thing).

Alex and Nico prepare to approach the house.

Nico is worried.

Alex says they’ll be fine.

Nico says all she’s been thinking about lately is death.

Alex says that she knows what she means.

Nico says “You do?”

Alex says “Totally.”

Then she kisses him. It fries Alex’s brain for a second, but he regains composure. Nico tells him not to spoil it by talking.

All righty then! Continuing with Phase One…

Alex and Nico ring the doorbell and Dr. Daddy Hayes answers the door still wearing his bad guy uniform. He ushers them into the house forthwith. “Tell me, where are your other playmates?” Oh, they’re nearby. One of them is playing with himself with his fancy gloves. The other is probably flying around like a literal manic pixie dream girl. Gert’s somewhere, who cares. They’ll all turn themselves in too as long as it’s assured that Molly is safe and sound and not at all decapitated.

Yeah, well, Daddy Hayes don’t play that. “KNEEL. Now tell your friends to show themselves, or I’ll force you to snap each other’s necks.”

Eh. That’s not so scary. Snapping is good for necks, right? Oh, wait, no it isn’t! I was thinking of something else entirely! Time for Phase Two…

A goddamn dinosaur crashes through the window and lands on top of Dr. Daddy Hayes. Now that he’s been duly indisposed (rent to shreds, perhaps), the kids start investigating the house. Before Alex can even say “boo”, and why would he, he gets hit in the head with the flat of Mr. Yorkes’ axe. “Girls, I’m disappointed,” he says, speaking past the knocked-out Alex to Gert and Nico. “Call me old-fashioned, but all of this fighting seems very unladylike.” Nice bit of sexism, Mr. Yorkes. Do you suck your wife’s pussy with that mouth? He comments upon Gert’s dinosaur, the one she’s not supposed to have until they’re dead.

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Yeah… well, uh… consider yourselves dead meat from, like, uh… Slaughterhouse City… man.

Gert can’t sic the dinosaur on her parents because it’s genetically engineered to not, which is awfully convenient. The Yorkes are about to do something bad to their daughter, like a spanking, when Nico rushes them with a hearty “RAHHH!” Yorkes, as a gut reaction, lifts up his axe and accidentally cuts Nico’s arm.

After a quick “oh shit” moment from the Yorkes, Nico lifts up her arm and starts speaking in in a quavery speech balloon. “When blood is shed… let the Staff of One emerge–” And lo’ and verily, the Staff quickly extrudes itself from Nico’s chest and clobbers Mr. Yorkes right in the chin. Mrs. Yorkes is completely taken aback by Nico’s possession of her mother’s Staff. Nico tells Mrs. Yorkes to freeze, and she does. She freezes like a popsicle right in her tracks.

“When Alex comes to…” she says to Gert, “…tell him I’m on to Phase Three.”

While Nico prepares her Phase Three-ing, Chase and Karolina continue staking out in the bushes while he wears his see-through-clothes Peeping Tom goggles. “Let’s go, Karolina! Take off your bracelet and let’s storm the castle already!” Nope! Bide your time, you impatient dingus.

Chase tries to use his goggles to see through the house walls, but Karolina’s bad-guy Mom shows up, zaps him with freezy powers, and starts speaking to her daughter. “Hello, my angel.”

“MOM?! Stop it! You’re… you’re hurting him!”

“Merely detaining him. You’ll understand when you learn to use your beautiful gifts, Karolina.”

Mr. And Mrs. Dean had always hoped to take Karolina back to their homeworld before, like, you know, all this shit went down. Sorry for lying all these years! Also, don’t bother taking off the bracelet and threatening to kick some parental ass. Mrs. Dean has the exact same powers. “You made me wear this anchor my entire life! And if your powers are the same as mine, then… then touching it must do the same thing to you that it does to me…”

“…it must take away everything that makes you special.”

Runaways (Vol. 1), Issue #5

Hell yeah, Karolina! Woop woop woop woop woop!!

Karolina hurts her hand cold-cocking her mother. Chase thinks it was super hot.

Back in Molly’s bedroom, Dr. Mrs. Hayes sings her a lullaby and gets interrupted by the staff-wielding Nico, who looks like some kind of steampunk Game of Thrones character. Nico calls her a witch. Hayes says she’s the one who looks like she should be burned at the stake. Nico calls her evil. Hayes gripes about “kids these days”.

“Now why don’t you drop the stick and act like an adult?” Dr. Mrs. Hayes says as she uses her creepy violet-eyeball powers to freeze Nico in her tracks.

“Why don’t you drop the condescending tone and admit that you’re a monster,” Nico replies, grunting like a moose.

Molly wakes up, nose bleeding. “Nico? What are you doing here?”

Her eyes begin glowing and she addresses her shocked mother. “Oh jeez. This is what I was trying to tell you… something’s wrong with my body.

Indeed there is! You see, when a young woman comes of age, she starts bleeding out her… well, I guess her nose, in this case.

Dr. Mrs. Hayes is thoroughly befuddled! They had Molly tested at a young age! She came up negative for the X-gene! And the Y-gene and the Z-gene and the H-gene. All the letters! As she talks, Nico tells her to shut up and whacks her in the head with the staff. THUNK. Down she goes.

“STOP IT!” Molly yells, standing up on her bed, eyes glowing fiercely and looking nothing short of absolutely terrifying. “GET AWAY FROM MY MOM!”

Final Thoughts

Things are spiraling out of control, it seems. Pretty soon these kids are going to have to Run Away, and probably from the police since they keep assaulting their parents and knocking them unconscious!

Molly’s gonna fuck a bitch up, that’s going to be fun to see. I’d rather hang with Molly than any of these other losers. Especially Alex, that kid sucks.


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