Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Book I: Vader (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Book I: Vader storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Book I: Vader (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, after having taken a licking by Emperor Palpatine for that whole exploded Death Star thing, plus a weapons ship stolen by space pirates, Vader gets an assistant named Oon-Ai to keep a very close eye on him for the task of destroy the space alien base.

It turns out Oon-Ai was a mole planted right under Palpatine’s nose! Vader makes short work of him and we move on.

Has Vader gained back Palpatine’s trust? Has Palpatine bought enough concealer for his dumb white face? TIME WILL TELL, FRIENDS.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [May, 2015]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Book I: Vader (Part 3)”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Looks like some woman with a simple biomech tattoo and a barely working belt is going to show up to SHAKE THINGS UP a little bit here. Will Darth Vader want to bone her, or did his penis fall off along with his limbs back on Mustafar?

“Hmm,” says this new lady. “Surveillance already bypassed guns, but no new triggers.”

This is Quarantine World III in Kallidahin Space, which means nothing to me but maybe after about 15,000 more Star Wars comics it’ll start coming together. “Just an empty room,” she continues.

She considers just traipsing along the corridor of this empty room of this quarantined world, but she pulls out some magic dust first to check out if any security lasers will be ready to zap her to smithereens and/or call in the flamboyant protocol droids. Lasers are there. She shimmies under them and enters a vault of interest.

She finds a computer chip that she refers to as a the “triple-zero personality matrix”, one of which is probably installed in Luke Skywalker’s brain right now. Ha! This thus-far unnamed woman removes the chip from the vault with tweezers and shimmies her way back from whence she came. Verily.

Whoops! Whoopsy-doodle! She trips one of the lasers and a large robot starts chasing her down the hallway shooting his own lasers. It’s Laserfest 2023. Or Laserfest a Long, Long Time Ago, rather.

Anyway, she makes it down the corridor and through a closing door at the last minute. The comic is already almost half over.

“Doctor Aphra… you are an irresponsible and troublesome woman.”

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Nasty, even! Into the binders with you.

This little robot who calls the now-named Doctor Aphra is named Utani Xane, and he/she is reprimanding Aphra for attempting to steal the triple-zero personality matrix. It has been quarantined for centuries for a reason! And… it’s… uh… I dunno, something about a coronavirus.

Doctor Aphra calls it “beautiful” and it shouldn’t be locked away any longer. It should be in an armory, not in storage. Utani Xane retorts that Aphra should be in prison (again), not running free like some… non-prisoner.

One of Utani’s henchman informs it that a TIE fighter is headed their way to land on the planet. It’s Darth Vader. There wasn’t much build up to this, so you don’t get one from me either!

Vader clearly isn’t allowed here for reasons related to treaties and protocols, but he doesn’t give two rancid shits! He does his Force thing to blow most of the robots back while Utani scrambles away. He’s here to get the triple-zero personality matrix, so hand it over! Papa needs to triple-zero his current double-zero personality. However, the chip is dropped and topples off the platform they’re all standing on. “Oh no!” Aphra says. Oh no indeed! OH NO! Nooooooo! *burp*

Aphra grabs onto the edge with one hand and grabs the chip with the other. Vader plunges the business end of his red glowstick into Utani’s back. “Doctor Aphra,” he says boomingly (I imagine) to the precariously dangling woman. Brace yourself, he’s about to say something rude or mean, probably.

“I have need of you.”

Brrrt! Well, how about that? Darth Vader needs someone! What a fucking loser.

This Doctor Aphra, she’s a huge fan of this smelly, dark helmeted one. She invites him to her lavish ship, the Ark Angel. “This is a private business,” Vader tells her, getting right to the MEAT AND POTATOES of the matter at hand. “I recently destroyed some of your reactivated droids. They impressed me.”

Cool! This guy is not easily impressed, and he once saw Padmé Amidala’s sweet, sweet erection.

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #3

It also slices and dices! It can cut this shoe in half!

Doctor Aphra is after the chip because “it speaks languages no one else does, and that’s what I need”, so she needs to spend the next few hours busting the code on that before she can help anyone! Especially present company. And furtherm–

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” she asks, turning her head to see Vader walking away. She turns back and the codes hath been busted. It’s unlocked at any rate, probably because of some voodoo magic that Aphra knows nothing about. “…how did you do that?”

She verbally fellates Vader’s alleged wonderfulness and continues her task of installing the chip into one of her “impressive” protocol droids. It’s eyes light up red. “Oh, hello,” it says.

AHA! ENGLISH! The most inscrutable of languages! A language so mystifying that only the dumbest people in the universe speak it.

“I’m O-O-O or Triple-Zero, if you prefer. I’m a protocol droid, specialized in etiquette, customs, translation, and torture, ma’am.”

Aphra’s tattoo is sexy. Now back to our regularly scheduled protocol droid-in’.

“As there’s no one here to murder presently, how may I be of assistance?” O-O-O asks politely. Aphra wants O-O-O to kickstart this nearby astromech droid, which Vader finds befuddling. All that work for a lousy trashcan? Surely there are other things more pressing than that? Like this game of Parcheesi that they still need to finish?

Darth Vader (Vol. 1), Issue #3

It’s too bad that it has the word “BLASTOMECH” engraved in huge letter on the back of its head.

So, this trashcan can kick ass. That’s good too. Beats C-3PO and R2-D2, those pussies. These robots can actually do shit, it seems.

It used to be a product of the Tarkin initiative base, but then it jettisoned itself after blowing it up for some reason. Aphra found it, but she can’t get it to wake the fuck up. It only speaks the language of the base, but that’s lost. That’s why the chip is important, see? This is why O-O-O is here to jibber jabber and such.

“BT-1, wake up.”

“BLEEP!”

Well, that was easy. Now it draws out a few weapons and gets ready, much to Aphra’s chagrin. “No, BT-1! No! You can’t possibly do that!” O-O-O yells, shielding Aphra and Vader. “They are our masters!”

All right, we’re all on the same page here! Looks like Vader got what he wanted, I suppose he can just leave Aphra there and go about with his busy day then.

“There was a time I had armies at my beck and call. That time has passed. I need resources of my own. Private resources,” Vader says rather absent-mindedly if I do say so myself.

“I was abstractly meant to be delivering these two to the droid Gotra. They had another mission lined up… but you’re my next mission, aren’t you? And the next. And the next. You’re what I’ve been looking for all my life,” she says to him, doe-eyed and mysterious-like.

So Vader gets to have the droids! What else does the benevolent, frisky one need? “I need troops of unquestioning loyalty.”

Sounds good, boss! I know there’s a Rebel Alliance out there full of people who would gladly—ooops, that’s not right at all! Silly me!

Aphra knows where to find an army of droids! “The droid Gotra wanted me to recover an… unusual droid factory. It’s under close watch by you Imperials – plus not-exactly-friendly locals. Best bet…” she turns to him with a wry grin, “…how do you feel about a secret mission to Geonosis, Lord Vader?”

Vader stares vacantly. “I have no feelings regarding Geonosis.”

“Good,” she responds. “Then we need to move. I won’t let you down.”

“Wise, Aphra. That would be a mistake.”

Final Thoughts

I like this Doctor Aphra! She’s not in the movies, right? That must mean she gets killed early on in the comic book canon? Maybe a Hutt falls on her head.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 22: “Watchers”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

We finally return to Moiraine over in Tar Valon, who is having a conversation with Lan. Things get so tense — so very, very tense — that she actually makes him visibly mad! Such a thing has never happened before in her memory! What are they talking about? Lan’s micropenis? Who’s going to be doing the dishes that evening? Nonsense, poopypants! They talk about when they first met, how Lan threw Moiraine in a pond for some reason. This particular point was never to be brought up again. She retaliated in kind, and she still wonders if there is any friction to this day because of this. He says no, probably through gritted teeth, but he says no all the same.

This is the part that pissed Lan off: if Moiraine were to die, she has made arrangements to pass him off to some other Aes Sedai (foreshadowing!). Like a fucking hamster or some shit. The woman in question is named Myrelle, and she’ll take good care of him. Feed him all the good food pellets, let him run around in the wheel, refresh his water bottle every day. He’ll live a life of a king!

Moiraine is not shy to question Lan’s loyalty to her, and she wonders why Lan kept taking Rand aside to tell him all that lordly information. He merely tells her that he felt bad for Rand and wanted to throw the kid a bone or two, yo. Moiraine stops prodding and Lan walks away, leaving her with her thoughts. Thoughts like that tramp Nynaeve and how she’s a bad influence on Lan. Why, it’s almost enough to make Moiraine jealous! What a weird thought. I thought Aes Sedai were married to the Wheel or something. She and Lan can’t fuck! Plus, he probably smells.

An Aes Sedai named Vandene enters the room and Moiraine grills her for information. I start to glaze over at this point, since it’s about prophecies and Dragons and Toman Head and Tarmon Gai’don and a’vron and ma’vron and Lanfear. It all amounts to Vandene getting suspicious that Moiraine might know something about the Dragon Reborn, and Moiraine half-lies about her knowledge.

The chapter ends with a Draghkar attack. I think these are like bats that fly around all Dark One-style. She almost dies, probably, before Lan and another Warder named Jaem come save her. Moiraine suspects that the Draghkar was warded to prevent them all from sensing it, which is some Black Ajah hoodoo.

Black Ajah hoodoo seems like a fun diversion. I want to learn more about it. I’m sure becoming one with the Black Ajah involves a lot of Invader Zim and trips to Hot Topic. That reference doesn’t age me at all, does it?


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Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “Venom (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 5 of the Venom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “Venom (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Batman fails to save a little girl from drowning in the sewer and he gets all hard on himself as he usually does. Alfred snarks his way through this, but starts getting concerned when Bruce continues to Bat around even after attempting to deadlift 600 pounds and busting his shoulder up something terrible.

The happy father of the dead girl makes these awesome pep pills that Batman starts taking so he can be Mr. Tough Guy! He laughs like a loon at the end of the issue, signifying a descent into madness! MADNESS!

I wanna see how mad he gets! Batman’s madness knows no bounds.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17 [April, 1991]
Written by: Dennis O’Neil
“Venom (Part 2)”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

Look at the cover art! MADNESS!

I forgot to mention Mr. Fedora Man in the “Previously On” section, but this guy is mysterious as all get-out. Long story really short, he busts up some kind of hideout and beats the absolute shit out of a few burly dudes. Strong as shit. He holds one up against the wall by his neck: “The man. The connection. Your supplier. The scum that sells you drugs.”

Panama! Ha!

“Willie…” gibbers the victim of this hand-against-neck crime. “Big guy, who hands at Slick’s car service…”

Oooooh, Slick eh? Slick is a slippery fellow. Like oil. Slick.

“I’d put Willie in the hospital six hours earlier,” Fedora Man says, slamming this dude’s head against the ceiling. “It’d been fun. I hate junkies.”

Well, that’s been quite a trip. Time to see what kind of sass Alfred has to dish out right now! OHHHH SNAP! Oh snippity snap! Mr. Fedora Man was Bruce Wayne this entire time. Fucking loony, man! This nutter is off his rocker, for serious! “And what, may I ask, was the point of this exercise?” Alfred asks this smiling douchebag.

“Scare ‘em, Alfred.”

Alfred says they committed no crime, but you know what? FUCK those guys! Here’s a list of crimes for ya: 1) pulling the tag off the mattress, 2) wearing white after Labor Day. The list goes on! 3) ketchup on steak.

OK, well, they did none of this stuff recently and—oh, never mind. I see you’re going to bench press a 600-lb load of garbage again. Very well.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

The Toxicology 101 final is tomorrow and you’re just now buying the book, sir?

Bruce got himself a book on toxicology, probably to learn more about the pills he’s crushing up and snorting by the handful. Meanwhile, he lifts 690 pounds over his head. “Not to shabby, huh?” Bruce says, grinning like a doofus. “I am positively choked with admiration,” Alfred responds.

Alfred, man. That guy fucks.

The butler points out that all this crushing and melting and injecting of the pills into his overly large veins was supposed to free up gym time in order to read up on stuff like toxicology and current events and My Little Pony fan fiction. And yet here he is, hunched over barbells and basically showing off his penis. “Maybe I’ve gotten past the need to read,” Bruce responds, dropping another couple of pills into his hand. “Maybe that was just a phase I had to get through? You ever think of that?”

That shut Alfred up! For about three microseconds. He lifts up Bruce’s smelly Batman uniform and asks why he has abandoned it for trench coats and fedoras like a real neckbeard incel. Bruce’s answer is basically this: “I ‘unno.”

“I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of,” Bruce retorts after Alfred says something along the lines of “You should be ashamed of yourself”. “And if you think I do,” he continues, “maybe you’re one of them!”

“One of whom?”

“The weaklings, the snivelers who’ve let the city become a sewer because they’re afraid to do what has to be done.”

Alfred has had enough. He’s walking away, never to return. See you soon.

Batman decides in a brief moment of “clarity”, whatever that even is in his old state, that perhaps he too hard on his old boy. No matter. He decides that he does want to don his Batman jammies and hit the town.

Hit the town to get more delicious pills, that is!

“Good to see you again,” says Dr. Randolph Whozits, eyeballing Batman evilly. I mean, come on. Batman sniffs and twitches and tells him “good to see you too yeah yeah where are they man where are the pills man good to see you too”.

NO! First, Randolph Porter wants Batman to meet a one General Timothy Ashton Slaycroft, President of Toilet Paper! He looks like he’s the president of toilet paper. Also, he was in the military for forty wasted years. Also, he smells like starch.

Nice to meet you champ now the pills please ok?

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

You can go fuck your whole entire self, Smiley.

First, General Timothy Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore wants to strike a deal with the cowled one. Be a consultant for a project he’s working on. Batman says ok but the pills please now.

There are only four! WHAT THE FUCK! FOUR PILLS! THEY’RE GONNA BE GONE BEFORE HE EVEN WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM! GAHHH! Dr. Porter needs to make more. The well of the secret ingredient has run dry (human feces). “Can you return later in the week?”

Sure sure fine sure ok fine whatever. He’ll just check on the punks who kidnapped Porter’s daughter. The one he doesn’t care much about? Maybe he can wring some necks and blow dandelions in their faces.

Batman leaves, and now it’s a pow-wow between Porter and General Mustache. “You notice how dull he seemed?” Porter cleans his glasses. “And how anxious he was to get the capsules? Another week and he’s ours.”

A problem arises! If Batman catches wind that Porter’s been feeding him information that comes directly from the bad guys he’s trying to thwart, then there’s going to be HELL TO PAY! Porter has been using Batman to wipe out their competition, facilitating Porter’s business ventures! Tee hee hee!

However, now that Mr. General is paying for Porter’s pill endeavors, that makes these goons useless. Go bomb them immediately, Colonel.

Meanwhile, Batman catches a kid hanging out in Porter’s yard and tackles the everliving fuck out of him. “Okay, punk. You’ve got about three seconds to tell me who you are and what you want before I rip your head off.”

It’s just General Slaycroft’s kid, jerk. Batman unhands him and tells him to stand in the light instead of the shadows so that self-appointed vigilantes don’t murder him in cold blood for no reason. Dig? Bye now.

“He has one more place to be before dawn. A place he’d been asked to avoid,” explains the helpful narration. “But he is who he is, and nobody tells him what to do.”

It’s the hideout of the two whipper-snappers who killed the Sewer Girl.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

Refrigerator throwing, coming to an Olympics near you.

Batman looks out the window and sees two men trying to book it to their car. He takes a refrigerator and throws it through the brick wall and right onto the car, smashing it to pieces and killing (I think) one of the two guys. Batman reaches into the crushed car and pulls out the other guy. “You did the dirtbags upstairs. You’re gonna tell me why – but not right away. First–” he throws the fucker to the ground, “–I’m gonna hurt you a while.”

Capital idea, Mr. Good Guy! Too bad you get interrupted by a drive-by shooter who kills the guy that Batman was about to basically kill. Then a sound of an Uzi in the distance. Then the killer gets killed! Then an engine roars! Then tires screech! A sedan peels off and disappears into the night! Where are my pants?! This is insanity!

Sirens blare in the distance! Fuck that noise, Batman ain’t sticking around to answer any question from the pigs. He’s addled on goofball drugs. Time to book it home and see if Alfred made his Kid Cuisine.

Later that night, and I do mean much, much later, we find Captain James W.E.B. Dubois Gordon burning the candle at both ends as per usual. Batman pops in with the intention of heading off rumors, I suppose. “I was wondering when you’d show up – if you’d show up. It’s been three months. Been on vacation?” Batman scowls at this line of QUESTIONING FROM THE PRIME PIG HIMSELF. OINK OINK.

“I don’t know who’s been going around busting heads. Some guy in a hat and trench coat.” Gordon’s face is obscured by the smoke of his disgusting poop-shaped cigar. “Tell me about that.”

“No comment.”

Gordon tells Batman that he looks beefier. Literally. He says the word “beefier”. Batman attributes this newfound beefiness to a healthy breakfast of fortified cereal! Also hella drugs. Also, this meeting isn’t going the way he intended! Captain Gordon gets to stare out the window while Batman suddenly fucks off into the night. “Something is wrong,” says the ever omniscient narrator. “Usually he rejoices in this – swinging across the roof of his city, feeling the energy, the excitement, the sheer life of it… but not tonight. Tonight the city is just an accumulation of stone, steel, and flesh. And he is just a man on a rope.”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

I forgot that he took the kids to a motel.

General Halftrack and Dr. Randolph Chumley discuss a sudden inquiry from a one Capt. Jim Gordon. This buttfucker is asking questions? Oink oink! “My contacts downtown tell me Gordon won’t quit and can’t be bought.” The General stares out the front door at nothing in particular. This could not bode well for their crime-related crimes! “And one fine day he’ll arrive with warrants.”

Porter assures General Wedge Antilles that no one can prove he was the one with the machine gun (!) who gunned down the killer last night (!!). So relax.

(!!!)

Plus, it can be proven that he fired the gun to save Batman’s life!

Speaking of the Bat, he’s shirtless again in his Cave of Wonders. No Alfred at his beck and call, either. The guy quit! Can’t stand the ravings of his master anymore! He can go butler someone else. I hear Snoop Dog is pretty low maintenance.

With no one to talk to except the bats hanging around the ceiling, he starts muttering to himself about the previous night. Trying to connect the dots, see? That kid he almost killed, General Slaycroft’s slow son. What was he actually doing there on the property besides stroking his muddy schlong? Did he get into that car? Maybe he got shot? Shit, it’s hard to focus. Where’s muh pills?

Shit, he’s having a hard time lifting 690 pounds! Nothing like a healthy dose of—WHAT THE FUCKING CUNT FUCKING BITCH FUCK?!?! NO MORE PILLS?!?!? ANGRY!!! “Porter. His fault. Should have given me more like I asked. Thinks he can get away with it, does he? He’s got another think coming!”

Immediately, Bruce puts on his Batman outfits and kicks down Porter’s door. “Give them to me.”

Well, that’s rude, sir! Not even a knock or a kiss hello?

“Give what to you?”

“You know.”

“–But I want you to tell me.”

“The pills.”

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #17

That mouth of yours sure is pretty, Batman…

“Are you prepared to earn them?” butts in the General. This takes Batman aback. He’s not fucking here to earn anything. Least of all a paycheck. Least of all the pills!

You see, Porter and Slaycroft are in cahoots over a joint business venture! “We’re trying to create a group of special human beings. The first step is the pills you have grown so fond of…”

Step 2 is ???. Step 3 is proft. See what I did there? I’m dating myself with that horseshit meme.

So Porter gets funded. Slaycroft gets to have a bunch of coked-up Batman-types who can rid the city, the country, the world, of “junkies, cheats, shiftless incompetents that are sucking us dry”.

Batman is finding it hard to concentrate on what these two smarty men are saying. They keep talking and it all sounds pretty hunky-dory I guess. Pills please.

There’s just one problem. Batman is presented with a photo of a man with glasses, a mustache, and a pipe. “Do you know who this is?” Looks like Groucho Marx! Barring that, it’s Jim Gordon.

“Very good. Now, what we’d like you to do should be very simple, very easy,” says Porter.

“Kill him,” says Slaycroft.

“Understand?” asks Porter.

…

…

…

“No sweat,” says Batman.

(!!!!)

Final Thoughts

I see that this is the storyline where Captain Jim Gordon bites the big one. And before he even becomes Commissioner! That’s rather inconvenient!

Oh well.


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Ahab, Lankum, and 100 gecs

Hey, I did another one this year! Here are reviews for albums from Ahab, Lankum, and 100 gecs.

Ahab – The Coral Tombs
(January 13, 2023)

Ahab - The Coral Tombs

How can one describe a funeral doom metal band with the phrase “dreadfully boring”? How about this: “monolithically boring”. Perhaps I’m not equipped to rate funeral doom without any bias, considering I like generally like my metal fast-paced or sludgy. I decided to check out Ahab anyway, since they seem to be the cornerstone of good funeral doom these days. Let’s see how The Coral Tombs fares.

The opener, “Prof. Arronax’s Descent into the Vast Oceans” (what a name) is promising; heavy and crushing like Nibbler’s dark matter turds. Even kind of sludgy! As you already read, this ticks one of my boxes! But then that hallmark of doom metal — the slow, wailing, clean vocals and clean guitars — paves the way for the rest of the track’s seven minutes. Now, the track name is apt because Ahab is meant to conjure up being stuck in the middle of a vast, swirling ocean in the dead of night. I’m not sure that works for me. Such an image is done better by other bands, such as… The Ocean! I’m only half-kidding.

The more interesting bits are definitely when vocalist Daniel Droste sticks to harsh, guttural growls. It adds a lot more weight to the dense heaviness that the genre requires. “Colossus of the Liquid Graves”, for example, alternates between the harsh and the clean vocals and, to my ear, the switch-ups keep things from getting too drone-y and uninteresting. But then there are tracks like “The Sea as a Desert”, which conjures up images of nothingness with acoustic guitar that plods along at a steady, slow tempo. And then it switches up with electric guitar that plods along at a steady, slow tempo! See, best of both worlds!

In the end, The Coral Tombs is roughly half-and-half. The super slow, clean singing absolutely kills it for me on one hand, but when the music has more CHUTZPAH then I can groove along a little better. I just think that once you’ve heard one funeral doom album, you’ve heard them all. Better served as background music while playing Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. Oh, and over an hour? Too long! Sorry, Ahab.

Early Verdict:

Lankum – False Lankum
(March 24, 2023)

Lankum - False Lankum

Do I know enough about traditional Irish folk music to act as a critic for contemporary traditional Irish folk music? Hardly! But I sure do know enough about music to know that something ain’t completely right with these songs. The four-piece draw from, what I imagine to be, a rich history of unyielding Irishness spanning centuries to create a unique product that they can call their very own. The Quietus put False Lankum as the very best album released so far in 2023, and although I think that this is quite an overstatement, I can’t help but feel that I see where they’re coming from. And I don’t even really like Irish folk-influenced stuff like the Pogues or Flogging Molly. But this stuff is kinda cool!

The first thing I notice, even before anything weird happens, is the murkiness of the production. The music sounds muddy, like a medieval festival during a rainy, overcast day. Once Radie Peat finishes her compelling, lilting vocals on the opening track “Go Dig My Grave”, a take on the traditional “Butcher Boy” folk ballad, it segues into this cascading, massive drone for the rest of the song. Something monumental is happening here — larger than life — causing the listener to get fully absorbed in the music. It worked for me. Something clicked right away, like I already knew this music forever but was startled by its sudden eerie Swans-like dirge.

The muddiness of the production never goes away, but the moods and attitudes change throughout. The jaunty dance of “Newcastle”. The baleful balladry of “On a Monday Morning”. The immense twelve-minute closer “The Turn” that locks you into a hypnotic mess of mild industrial screeching and scraping. It all feels so intimate and immediate, like Lankum is using their best tricks to sweep you up into the music. And it fucking works, man. It fucking works.

Big happy smile on this one. Will it make my year end list? SPOILER ALERT: PROBABLY. THIS YEAR HAS BEEN KIND OF DISAPPOINTING SO FAR.

Early Verdict:

100 gecs – 10,000 gecs
(March 17, 2023)

100 gecs - 10,000 gecs

As far as I can tell, 100 gecs is the band that everyone hates to love. Consisting of dynamic duo Laura Les and Dylan Brady, they represent the queer late-stage millennial’s answer to the question no one asked: “What if I wanted some extremely hyperactive glitch pop soaked to the brim in autotune and glistening with an extremely tacky sheen.”

It’s hard to peg 100 gecs because they do a lot at once. “Dumbest Girl Alive” presents thrash metal guitars and trap beats. “Hollywood Baby” sounds like your average Charli XCX pop ballad. “I Got My Tooth Removed” harkens back to the good old days of skankin’ third-wave ska. All the while Les and Brady indulge in excess, packing each minute with so much over-stimulation that it’s the musical equivalent of eating an enormous brick of fudge. And it’s so fucking fun, too. Boiled down to its essence, it’s fucking fun music. Unless you’re a boring stick in the mud who gets annoyed by the MUSIC OF KIDS TODAY (even though these two are pushing 30), I dare you to not find something to like about 10,000 gecs.

The highlights are many, but the ones that get stuck in my head the most are “Dumbest Girl Alive”, with brilliant lyrics throughout (“Text, text, text, text/Like you tryin’-na start a fight/Yeah, I’ll fuckin’ text you back/I’m the dumbest girl alive“), “Frog on the Floor”, with its hilarious ribbits on the off-beats during the chorus (“Frog on the floor/Where’d he come from?/Nobody knows/Where he’ll go“), and the best song “I Got My Tooth Removed”, with its full-brassed ska and painful, wince-inducing lyrics (“My cheek swelled up twice its size and I started attracting flies/I’m playing Operation with a safety pin and start to cry“). You can tell the duo are absolutely enjoying themselves, and listening to these songs you get a sense that there is likely a bottomless well of songwriting that is just waiting to be tapped. I, for one, am greatly looking forward to 1,000,000 gecs.

Early Verdict:


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