The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 8 – “Ice”

The X-Files

“Mulder and Scully are sent to investigate when a team of geophysicists stationed at a remote Alaskan outpost is killed by a parasitic life form.“

This is an honest-to-god excellent episode. The first classic in my eyes. Be prepared for a psychological thriller! Isolation and paranoia are on the menu today!

Icy Cape, Alaska, 250 miles north of the Arctic Circle. 8:30 AM or PM, it doesn’t matter. It’s probably wintertime. It’s dark. There’s a shirtless man walking around a research facility with a gun. He’s bleeding sexily.

He sits in front of video camera. Still shirtless! “We are… We’re not who we are… It goes no further than this… It stops right here… Right now.”

If he was talking about the recording, then he was correct! Another man (he’s got a shirt) starts attacking him. Shirtless guy gets away and grabs his gun. There is a standoff where each points his gun right at each other’s face. Slowly… ever so slowly… they put down their guns… then slowly… ever so slowly… the lift their guns… and then each commits suicide! *cue happy music*

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 8 - Ice

It seems, good sir, that we are at an impasse.

If you thought this wasn’t a case for the X-Files, then you were sorely mistaken! Mulder and Scully review the recordings of the Arctic Ice Core Project science team. There were originally about six or seven people stationed there to do some climate research or make potato lightbulbs or have ugly sex in the cold. Well… then… we all know what happens next. *guns*

The station is remote as hell. Temperatures in the -430s. 19 out of 20 airplanes crash horribly on the way there. We’re talking twisted, fiery wrecks. Let’s go!

Scully is unnerved by the final recording of the shirtless man. “What happened up there?” she asks. They lost their shirts, that’s what. OK, enough shirt jokes, Tom, you fucking idiot.

Kenny Bania from Seinfeld is part of the team ready to take the FBI agents up to the Alaskan outpost. Also there are George Mason from the first couple seasons of 24 and Felicity Huffman! A real stacked cast for this particular episode. They all exchange obligatory niceties, and then the pilot (named “Bear”) arrives so they can start fucking off to the stupid middle-of-nowhere lab. CGI snowfall aplenty.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 8 - Ice

It’s gold, Jerry! Gold!

Dead bodies litter the floor of the research station. Bear looks for a generator to pump the place full of electricity juice while everyone else shines their giant flashlights randomly in every direction.

Mulder finds a refrigeration unit with sealed capsules of mysterious specimens. Kenny Bania grabs one to do some analysis. Elsewhere, they find a dog who is alive and he start chewing Mulder up for a bit. The dog also tears Bear a new one, and it’s going to be rather inconvenient for the only guy able to get them out of the outpost to be mortally wounded within three minutes of entering the facility!

Scully finds evidence of bubonic plague on the now-unconscious animal. They also discover a parasite crawling around under the skin. Shortly, Bear finds bubonic plague bumps on his own body while playing with himself in the bathroom.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 8 - Ice

Oh shit, I slept on my Hershey’s bar again.

Later, Scully determines that the shots on the two bodies in the MAIN FOYER were self-inflicted. George Mason reports that the bubonic plague spots on the dog are gone already, which is also mysterious and it foreshadows that Bear’s, too, will disappear! Pay close attention, guys, these episodes are packed with such Easter eggs. Scully also discovers ammonium hydroxide in the bodies, which shouldn’t exist at all at body temperature. Kenny Bania reports elevated ammonium hydroxide in the ice shelf. Some microscopy reveals a weird parasite floating around the body fluid sample. These parasites feed on the sweet, sweet ammonium and travel via body fluid contact! No sex until we get back, everyone! Also, we gotta quarantine you guys. Mask up.

The paranoia begins. They all need to strip down to their penises and vaginas to prove that none of them are now infected. Naturally, the guy who was bitten by the dog doesn’t wanna do that. He grits his teeth and snarls and throws his poop jar against the wall. “WHAT I’M DOIN’ IS GET MY GEAR, GET MY PLANE, AND GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE!” he yells. Mulder takes it upon himself to point a gun congenially at Bear and try to have him agree to provide a poop sample. Bear smashes a second jar on Mulder’s head. Mulder barely even flinches.

Attempting to pin the Bear to the ground reveals some bullshit slithering around under his neck. Bear convulses and moans like a bad sci-fi actor (or a bear in heat!) while Scully tears into this guy’s skin and pulls the parasite out. Mulder tries to radio back to the military base, but the weather’s too bad to send anyone out for a rescue mission. Tough titties. Bear dies. No pilot. And don’t forget, no sex until we all return to the base. Not even with yourself, Mr. Mulder.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 8 - Ice

Good morning, Vietnam!

Scully discovers that the last living parasite was found in a body’s hypothalamus, which explains Bear’s sudden aggressive behavior. They all get spooked. Mulder is eating this shit up right off of a plate.

It’s bedtime, children. Mulder and Scully have a chat before they retire to their shared quarters. Scully wants to find a way to kill the loathsome bug. “I don’t think we should kill it,” replies Mulder, kicking off the beginning of Incredulous Scully exactly halfway through the episode. The parasite is an alien. It survives in ammonia and subzero temperatures. A meteor crashed on this spot 9,000,000,000 years ago! Scully doesn’t want to spread a plague to the general population. Mulder wants to keep it as a pet.

The rest of the team becomes worried about Mulder and Scully’s loud arguing. They all convince themselves that these two FBI agents most certainly knew what they were getting into when they left. George Mason leads the way into their room and implies that Scully is getting a little… aggressive! Ahh! NO, YOU ARE! AHHH!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 8 - Ice

That’s it everyone! Clothes on the table! Time to show our mammalian protuberances!

They all agree to strip in front of each other and check armpits and butts for plague bumps. Again, ladies and gentlemen, keep the carnal enjoyment tabled until you all return safe and sound to the cozy military base. Mulder eagerly removes his shirt first and makes a joke about shrinkage. Scully feels Felicity Huffman’s titties tenderly and they share a moment. All is well, nobody is infected, and they retire for the evening. Before bed, Mulder’s eyes twinkle while he reminds Scully that the spots on the dog went away. Then he creeps out of view.

Everyone maintains their frightened and paranoid dispositions while alone in their separate quarters. George Mason takes notes and thinks about them quite fervently as if he were studying for a geometry test. Mulder keeps his shirt off as a little bit of fanservice. And, boy I tell ya, am I a fan!

Mulder hears a noise in the middle of the night and leaves his room to investigate the base. Kenny Bania has snuck out from his bed, and Mulder scares the caged dog into barking very loudly like the feral, plague-ridden parasitic animal that he is.

Then Mulder discovers Kenny Bania dead in the refrigeration unit. The other three enter the room and POINT FINGERS AT MULDER. KILLER! MURDERER! SEXY BEAST! “I’m not showing any of the symptoms,” Mulder says calmly before yelling at them. Scully demands that Mulder turn around so they can check his neck and Mulder fucking SCREAMS, man. He fucking screams and points a gun at all of them. Then, in a moment of realization, acquiesces to being locked up like an animal. “In here, I’ll be safer than you,” he tells Scully ominously before she wordlessly bolts the door. She probably rolls her eyes here too, but the audience doesn’t see it. I’d bet my oversized hat on it.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 8 - Ice

YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M ANGRY AND SWEATY!!!

George Mason and Felicity Huffman confront Scully and tells her to lose the gun. If she gets infected, she’ll kill them all! So she throws her gun into the snow and proceeds to yell at them. These people haven’t learned that yelling doesn’t do you any favors here in Icy Cape!

Scully attempts to send a distress call to the military base again, but there’s no signal. Everyone is still yelling at each other. Felicity Huffman accidentally dollops a bit of infected blood onto other infected blood on the microscope slide, which angers George Mason like nobody’s business. NO FRET, MY PET, because Scully takes a look and sees two parasites duking it out to the death. Put them in the same areas and they’ll waste each other. That’s some good information to have in your back pocket in case you want to, you know, get out of this episode alive. Sounds like having sex will be the key after all, exchanging fluids and the like!

Once the three of them (sans Mulder) agree that the only way to cure an infected person is to throw another one of dem parasites in their body, they practice on the dog. It doesn’t die, that’s reassuring. Time to throw one into Mulder!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 8 - Ice

Look, I’m not saying we need to murder your friend. We just need to kill him.

Scully, against the other two’s opinion, wants to talk to Mulder one-on-one. He’s lousy with shifty-eyed anxiety, thinking Scully his here to whack him! She gives him the good news: two parasites in one host will kill each other, and then the host poops them out. Bing bang boom. Here you go, open wide…

“If you give me one worm, you’ll infect me,” snarls Mulder.
“If that’s true, then why didn’t you let us inspect you?”
“I WOULD HAVE, BUT YOU PULLED A GUN ON ME!”

Tension rises! The trust is gone! Scully sort of apologizes and Mulder lets her take a look at his back for bumps. He inspects her for bumps. No one ain’t got no bumps.

There’s one parasite left. If anyone’s infected, they have to make damn sure first before they use it.

Mulder and Scully emerge from the room and inform George Mason and Felicity Huffman that neither of them are infected. They don’t believe them, of course, but someone IS infected and they still need to get to the bottom of this. George Mason agrees to have everyone check each other again to make sure, but these shrewd so-and-sos trick Mulder and Scully! They get grabbed and thrown around. Huffman locks Scully back in the room and then Scully starts hitting the door with the pipe. George Mason holds Mulder down while Felicity Huffman prepares to drop the parasite into Mulder’s ear! Scully’s a-bangin’! Mulder’s a-gruntin’! Very primal stuff!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 8 - Ice

Oh yeah, is that one of those Babel fishes that can help you understand all languages? Gimme gimme gimme!

Good thing George Mason notices a creepy crawly in Huffman’s neck right before she drops the parasite. He knocks her away, and now the men team up to try to wallop the woman. Mason grabs the parasite. Huffman runs around the rooms and breaks every glass object she can find while she screams, which doesn’t appear to be productive. But, three against one prevails and she gets loaded up with parasite. Everyone lives happily ever after, and the rescue team eventually arrives.

Felicity Huffman and the dog get quarantined. The other three are released, but Mulder wants to return to the base! Aliens! There’s still a lot of research to be done! And–

“Don’t you know? 45 minutes after they evacuated us, they torched the place. There’s nothing left,” George Mason tells him.

Mulder’s not deterred. 2,000,000 years of history still under the ice.

“Leave it there,” Scully says before walking away from him.

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 9 — “Space”
Scully, as an April Fool’s joke, locks Mulder in a space shuttle right before a scheduled launch. Everyone laughs as an extra 170 lbs of payload causes an explosion rivaling the Challenger space launch.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 4: “Summoned”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

For the first time in the series, we get a Moiraine POV chapter! This mystery woman with her mysteries has always been a mystery, and now we’ll sort of get to see what makes her tick.

Moiraine is nervous! Honest-to-Gawd nervous. The Amyrlin is here in Fal Dara and she has no idea why. She seems to have brought the entire population of Tar Valon with her too, which is annoying and disconcerting as well.

While dressing in her formal Blue Ajah apparel, she is visited in her quarters by two Aes Sedai. One is friendly, Anaiya of the Blue. One is a big ol’ cunt, Liandrin of the Red. They inform Moiraine that the Amyrlin requests an audience with her NOW! RIGHT NOW! Don’t even take a shit, there’s no time for that. We know how much Moiraine loves to take a shit, too, so this is devestating.

But before that, there’s a brief conversation about three more false Dragons that have popped up all at once. Before now, there were three total in the last two years. Logain, the charming young man from Book 1, has been gentled. Of these new three, one is already in chains and the other two are at large. Like convicted felons. But the Aes Sedai are on the prowl.

Also, the Daughter-Heir of Caemlyn, Elayne, and her brother Gawyn (still a shitty name) are safe in Tar Valon where they will be pampered like little entitled babies. Something about the Hunt for the Horn was discussed too, which sounds like a fun party game for the kids.

Moiraine heads to the Amyrlin’s quarters and notices a slew of Aes Sedai chillin’ in the sitting room. I’m sure the people in here will be important later on, but I don’t have the brain space to memorize six new women with Tolkien names. Anyway, Moiraine gets escorted to the Amyrlin’s suite and starts a-chit-chatting with her about Horns of Valere this and ta’veren that. The Amyrlin’s name is Siuan, and she and Moiraine and very close (secret) friends. They probably dated. I’m calling that now.

Siuan says that the Daughter-Heir Elayne may be the most powerful Aes Sedai in a thousands years, but Moiraine counters this by saying that Egwene is just as powerful and Nynaeve is more powerful. So nyah.

Moiraine informs Siuan that she’s got three boys that are all ta’veren-ed up these days. One’s a weird little spaz and has that Shadar Logoth dagger magically stuck to him, which is still going to be a huge fucking problem. Siuan’s like “yeah, that sucks”.

The chapter ends with a vague mention that if anyone catches on to what Siuan and Moiraine are planning, whatever that may be, that they may both be “stilled”. It’s like gentling, but not as gentle! End chapter.


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All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #9

* Part 4 of 5 of the Here to Stay storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New X-Men (Vol. 1) Issue #9! In the previous installment, Young Warren gets the heebie-jeebies when he encounters his older self and he’s all weird and overly happy like some sort of pod person. The Avengers get involved in a fight with Hydra and learn that Beast has manipulated the space-time continuum AGAIN.

While Young Warren cries and attempts to use the Time Cube to get back home, Jean Grey manipulates his mind and stops him in his tracks.

“Stop worrying,” she tells the rest of the very worried X-Men. “I’m in total control.”

Eek! Ook!

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [May, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis

All-New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #9

The young X-Men find themselves with Kitty Pryde in Times Square. “So in the present day everything is a commercial?” Young Scott asks his current-day tour guide. The answer is a resounding YES!

Jean Grey invades Pryde’s head, which pisses her off. “Just because I leave my bedroom door open doesn’t give you the right to go in and start going through my stuff, right?” Jean’s like “eep” and wonders how Pryde can even tell. It’s because she was trained to tell, so watch whose brain your invading, kiddo! Plus, there’s a lot of sex stuff that a lot of people are into that would freak you the fuck out. Kitty Pryde, for example, is really into tubs full of orange Jell-O and–

Whut? Where was I? Anyway, sorry! Pryde warns Jean that she’s going to need to get a lot better at her ability to pull a fast one on people like Kitty Pryde.

“Why are you scared of me now?” Jean asks, changing the subject, looking angry.

“Because you’ve been acting scary,” Pryde responds. “That stuff you pulled with Angel? That scares people.”

Now that we’ve had a helpful lesson on what is and isn’t scary, and why infiltrating his mind and changing his mood wasn’t a good thing, we can focus on the task at hand: lookin’ for Sentinels! Mutant-hunting artificial intelligence.

“They make mutant-hunting robots?”

“They do.”

“Specifically to hunt mutants.”

“Specifically.”

“Who is this ’they’?”

Listen, we go through the ins and outs of who “they” are, but it doesn’t matter who “they” are. It matters that these young mutants know how to defeat or escape the Sentinels. I think the “they” should matter, but I’m just a guy on my computer looking for answers! I’m very suspicious of any and all “theys” out there.

Speaking of Sentinels, what a coincidence! The Sentinels descend down to them in the middle of Times Square. “Everyone! Like we practiced!” yells everybody’s favorite mutant supervisor, Scott Aloysius McGillicuddy Summers. If that is his real name. Then, like they practiced, they use their mutations to mutant these bitches away from Mutantville.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #9

*lifts baseball bat with brain and smacks Kitty Pryde with full force*

The X-Men all jump around and cavort while Kitty Pryde stands there arms-crossed and judging their tactics. Crash bang crash oww bang bang woop woop crash awooogah beep beep and so on and so forth. This goes on for a while. It doesn’t look good. They fail miserably.

“Times Square program pause.” Pryde pretty much facepalms. “So what do we think we did wrong there? And don’t say everything. It was almost everything.”

She shuts down the program completely and asks the Iceboy what he thinks the problem was. He’s preoccupied. “Seriously, our Danger Room is like a big red ball that flies at us really fast. Some hoops and a– a– this is really elaborate.”

Pryde tells him to shut up about his Quidditch Danger Room and explain what they did wrong, goddamnit. The answer is this: Iceboy tried to save Kitty Pryde even though he should already know that she can phase through shit. Those robots can’t hurt her. He wasted precious nanoseconds and now they’re all fucking dead. DEAD.

Now, Young Hank Beast, this guy sucks too. And Scott, oohhhhhh Scotty. The worst of the bunch! Here’s what you did wrong, Scott: fuck you. That’s what.

In short, everyone has to figure out who the leader is and let him/her lead! Everyone was doing their own thing all willy-nilly and they all looked like complete garbage doing it! Ugh! Where are Kitty Pryde’s anxiety meds?? She’s going to need the whole bottle.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Whoa whoa whoa, James Dean. You think you’re cool standing there looking aloof?… well, yeah… I guess you kinda do…

“Each of you will be getting a copy of the training footage,” Pryde tells them, assigning them some homework. “I suggest you relive the pain and we’ll discuss more of it after dinner.”

Oh boy, dinner! Mac and cheese with little pieces of Spam in it? And chocolate milk!

Angel isn’t impressed. He doesn’t want to be there. He hates this whole X-Men thing. He wants to flip burgers at Subway and they don’t even make burgers. “I thought we were here because you guys were scared that Cyclops was about to commit mutant genocide. Where is this mutant genocide?”

Fair. This is news to Pryde, who is just now learning that Henry “Big Beast” McCoy told the youngins these exact words. Hmm… well, at any rate, Pryde has been tasked with boning up their powers and making sure they don’t die! The stuff about mutant genocides is a side quest.

The kids file out, but Scott stands in a corner with his head down. Looking pitiful on purpose, probably. He catches Jean’s attention. “Who is Mystique?” she asks him, suddenly. Getting in people’s brains again, I see. Uncouth. “You met a blue woman named Mystique,” she continues after he angrily protests.

Kitty Pryde is alarmed, especially since she hasn’t eaten her bottle of pills yet. “When did this happen? Here in the school?”

Listen, lady. None of your fucking beeswax. He runs out without another word, but Pryde gives him the ol’ “don’t you dare leave this room when I’m trying to talk to you, young man”.

Oh, he dares, all right.

Meanwhile, at Ryker’s Maximum Security Installation on Ryker’s Island (where seconds-in-command win over ladies with their immaculate trombone skills), Maria Hill shows up in her fancy S.H.I.E.L.D. helicopter to do what the Ryker’s guards think is an impromptu inspection.

Don’t worry, it’s nothing like that! She just has a big, scary criminal here! The newest inmate! Everyone say hi!

Wait a minute, no one said Maria Hill was visiting. No matter! She’s here now, ain’t she. Not to worry, this new inmate is wearing adamantium shackles from Tony Stark’s personal sex dungeon.

Wait a minute, maybe these aren’t actually adamantium shackles.

Wait a minute, maybe adamantium shackles don’t actually exist?

Wait a minute.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Bringing a terrifying bad guy to kill the whole army stationed on a prison island. Classic Maria Hill.

So, yeah, she’s actually Mystique in a clever disguise. “Hello. Believe it or not, I’m here to rescue you,” she says to a thus far unseen prisoner. “I know you and I have not always seen eye-to-eye, but you know I admire you and your powers.”

Mystique tells this thus far unseen prisoner that she used to care about mutants. That was back when Charles Xavier was still alive! Now that he’s a dead piece of shit, his dead piece of shit dream has died along with him. “So screw it.” Mystique then asks the thus far unseen prisoner if they want to get together and use their powers to get filthy rich. We’re talking vaults full of fuck-you money. Swimming pools filled with chocolate syrup just for fun. We’re talking all sorts of world leaders lining up just for the opportunity to be sniped through the forehead. That last one has nothing to do with riches, but it sounds fun.

The now seen prisoner likes the idea of getting rich. “Better than sitting here and staring at the wall.” I guess this woman is someone named Lady Mastermind, which Mystique points out as sexist, but I’ve never heard of her nor her sexist name before. She’s wearing a leather top that exposes her whole torso and barely covers her nipples, which is typical attire for the most maximum-security prison in this section of the universe.

A few guards point their guns at them as they try to leave. “The Avengers will be here any minute! On the ground! Now!”

Oooooh, the Avengers. What are they going to show up to do? Suck some prison dicks? These women aren’t phased one bit. In fact, it’s time to enjoy destroying some nameless grunts. “Just scare the hell out of them so we can get the hell out of here,” Mystique says, antsy.

Lady Mastermind scares the hell out of them! She conjures up some zombie versions of the Avengers and has them tear the guards all up. There’s a full-page spread that looks like a blood orgy and just as gross!

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Come here and I’ll show you. It’s right across the street from Fist City, punk.

Warren approaches Beast in his lab and asks where the fuck all this genociding is at. Beast deflects and starts talking to him about the school. The Jean Grey School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The school is safe haven for all deplorable, ugly mutants, but step one foot outside of the school grounds? Then the Mutant Police show up to ram rusty hooks into your rectal cavity the first chance they get. They’re out there right now, waiting! And Scott Summers, Scott Fudging Summers, he wants to kill these human beings with the rusty butthole hooks! “This is dangerous talk.” To start a revolution when there are just a handful of mutants and billions of non-mutants, those numbers don’t look good at all. Even if many of those regular humans are just babies from South and East Asia, they still roam in packs! Have you ever been confronted with a group of infants from Brunei? Ruthless!

Beast sees two options: “We either fight Cyclops, take him head on… or we join him in his fight with the humans.”

And no one wants to do either.

It will take humans with a Sentinel knocking on Beast’s front door for him to start pushing back. And even then, meh. Beast is a lover, not a fighter, and boy does he enjoy some good lovin’. “I didn’t bring you here to witness the mutant genocide,” he reminds Young Angel. “I brought you here to avoid a mutant genocide.”

Cool beans. We all work hard every day to avoid a genocide. Some of us work harder than others. I don’t have to work very hard at it, for example. But someone like Vladimir Putin doesn’t work at it at all. Quite the opposite, in fact! Where am I going with this?

Beast then sees something that makes him gasp and drop his monocle into his wine glass, but we don’t get to see what it is yet. We move on to Kitty Pryde approaching Young Scott in the school’s, uh, large kitchen. Someone who looks like a very drunk vampire is getting something out of the fridge. “Mystique?” she frantically gets up in his face. “You bump into a character like Mystique, you tell someone.”

No! Scott doesn’t wanna! He’s, like, 12 and angsty and he ain’t gonna let no woman push him around. Pryde doesn’t get to say much more, because something outside the window distracts her completely. And then Scott looks. Then the rest of the youngins look. Then Wolverine looks and, if you can believe this, he’s not happy.

It’s Old Cyclops and his merry band of misfit toys.

Final Thoughts

SHOWDOWN AT JEAN GREY MAGORIUM’S WONDER EMPORIUM. Beefs will be settled right here, right now. Beast is gonna be like “LOOK, MAN, YOU BETTER *cut* *it* *out* WITH YOUR GENOCIDAL REVOLUTION FEAR-MONGERING MALARKEY”, and Cyclops is gonna be like “ok”.


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Fray, Issue #3 – “Chapter Three: Ready, Steady…”

* Part 3 of 8 of the Fray limited series *

Welcome to Buffyness and Nightlurkers Presents: Fray, Issue #3 – “Chapter Three: Ready, Steady…”! In the previous installment, a big, fat, red demon named Urkonn was tasked with approaching Fray to let her know about her Chosen One destiny and yada yada. He’s awfully cordial about it all, but she’s in denial that there’s anything about her that could possibly be special and useful to Chosen One-related destinies. Urkonn gets frustrated.

Meanwhile, these things Fray calls “Lurks” are actually vampires. Once she learns that these Lurks tend to, you know, bite people and suck their blood, she gets more interested in fighting the battle against them. As is her destiny.

So next she’ll learn about what it means to be a Slayer! That’s how these stories tend to go, right? Let’s learn along with her, shall we (being a Slayer means punching bad guys really hard in the face).

Fray, Issue #3 [August, 2001]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Chapter Three: Ready, Steady…”

Fray, Issue #3

We finally get to see that flashback that they’ve been hinting at for the last two issues. Fray is running with a guy named Harth. “Thieves!” yells a butcher outside of his store, shaking his fist comically. The two of them stole some meat. Eating fancy tonight!

“Mel… this is stupid. We’re gonna get celled…” Harth says nervously as Fray climbs up the side of the building from the roof of another building. Harth slips and starts falling toward the street, but Fray flips upside down from a pipe, hangs on by her legs, and grabs Harth’s ankle. He hangs onto her for dear life as she continues climbing up the pipes to the other roof. “No more stealing. That’s it,” he says. She admits that he’s lucky she has two hands, otherwise she would’ve chosen the meat over him! Ha!

Then suddenly Icarus the Big Scary Vampire shows up and then Fray wakes up from her dream! Of course we still don’t get to know what happened. That will be revealed in Issue #8 when, in a twist, we see Melaka bite him right in the jugular vein and rend his neck to disgusting shreds! Way to get killed by a girl, nerd.

Training time! Rise and shine! Urkonn’s gonna fuck your world up, make your muscles hurt so badly that you’re gonna wish you were never Chosen!

Fat chance. Fray is in charge here, and she’s leading Urkonn to Gunther so she can drop off her latest grab. Training can wait. The fish under the glass office will wait for no one. “You should not be concerning yourself with this.” Urkonn’s words fall on deaf ears as they both land on top of a speeding SkyBus. “Hey, just ‘cause I’m signing on to take out some Lurks doesn’t mean I’m quitting my day job.”

Urkonn laughs at her complete naivety. “Your significance. Your heritage. It should have surfaced in your dreams.” Fray claims it hasn’t, but she’s a dirty liar. Urkonn takes this opportunity to tell a long, boring history of slaying in the manner of a Slayer. “There was once a thing on this Earth called magic.”

BOOOO-O-O-O-ORRRING! Cut to the chase, Goat Face. Monsters and demons ruled the dimension. Eventually, mortal creatures evolved under the protection of mages and loranites (?) and the demons got annoyed with dealing with that, so for the most part they fucked off to some other dimension.

Some stayed behind. Some assimilated, some laid low and hid, some bred within the human population, some became actors in such famous films as Mallrats and that other movie with the Mallrats guy in it.

And some decided to continue being massive jerkoffs. It is unknown when vampires first appeared, but they were the biggest jerkoffs of the jerkoffs. Elders of several villages were like “fuck this” and decided to use magic to create a living, breathing weapon against these vampires.

Fray, Issue #3

The test is on Thursday, two study sessions will be held Wednesday at 1:30 and 3:00.

Fray has reached her Guntherly destination. With some hesitation, the very short bouncer lets Urkonn into the office as well. “I do not like this place,” Urkonn mutters. “There is something wrong here.”

Gunter turns on the light, revealing his office fish tank. Urkonn starts growling. “There’s my best girl, twelve hours late with my grab…” Gunther smiles widely. “And there’s the giant goat-monster making faces at me.”

Nothing gets past this guy! Anyway, it’s all good. Fray successfully stole the object from the museum and she wants a bag of sil, please.

Gunther snarls. She wants more money after how generous he just was with his three sil! Three sil! That’s one sil more than two! “New job, new deal,” Fray says matter-of-factly. “I don’t set the rates, Sushi-Boy… I just grab.”

Yeah, she grabs men by the pussy. Gunther gives her a paltry sum before she and Urkonn get the heck out of dodge. After they leave, Gunther immediately swims through a corridor to his dreadfully short bouncer. “Edo, contact our collector. Tell him we have his prize.”

“I simply don’t trust the fishman,” Urkonn grumbles. Lighten up, Francis. Gunther’s been good to Melaka, so he’s ok people. In fact, he’s been a little too good to her lately… I’m sure it’s nothing.

They find themselves in what I assume is an abandoned warehouse of sorts. “This place is safe?” Urkonn asks. “If it was safe it wouldn’t be empty,” Fray responds. “You said train, this is the place. At least till it falls down.”

Fray, Issue #3

Being a Slayer wasn’t going to be all cake and ice cream and frosting and presents and balloons and streamers and strippers. Ok, ok, some strippers.

Urkonn was thinking more like the basement of a Dave & Buster’s, but this is certainly close enough! Lesson One: Dexterity. As in, be all kinds of nimble and shit. “I throw things at you. You avoid them,” he tells her. It doesn’t work very well.

Lesson Two: History. That’s fun, right? No one ever got beaten up in history. “She fought, and died, and was succeeded by another, and another, throughout time. Always one. Always a woman. A warrior.” That is some stank-ass history, bruh. You mean none of these ladies had a say in it? At all? What if she wanted to sit on her ass all day and watch cartoons? Destiny Schmestiny.

Usually it’s the Watchers that will find these Slayers, but Urkonn ain’t a Watcher. “My reasons are my own,” he answers when asked why he sought her out. Fray finds that more than a little bit suspicious, but hey. There’s a whole lot happening all at once here! For one thing, when it comes to the Big Four thrash metal bands, Fray was never that fond of Slayer anyway.

So what about the last Slayer? Well, uh, here’s the funny thing, heh heh. No one knows what happened to her. The very last Slayer on record was from the 21st century, “hundreds of years ago”. She banished all these demons so hard that none of them were around anymore. Just some really efficient banishin’! Very fine work. It’s unclear if that particular Slayer survived. “But, the demons being gone, she was the last to be called.”

Urkonn the Jerkonn speculates that, because the line of succession continued for centuries without any of the potential Slayers being called, it may be why she has no memories or dreams of her heritage. And that guy who set himself on fire? He was supposed to be your Watcher! Isn’t that hysterical?! That guy was crazy! But he knew where to find you, and he knew you were the Chosen One, and he knew how to make a big, dramatic scene about it! “Maybe he was cold,” Urkonn suggests after Fray repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly tells him that the dude set himself on fucking fire. How’s anyone supposed to Watch anyone when they’re on fire?

Fray, Issue #3

And, like all monsters, they’re tattooed skinheads in leather jackets and denim.

These Watchers, the fanatics and fools who spent centuries believing that the demons would come back, they were right. So don’t be so quick to judge, m’lady. “The monsters did come back.” And lo’, speak of the devil! Here’s Icarus now, returning to his master Sgt. Vampire Jones. He’s off-panel, but he has scary shaky blue speech balloons oooooooo.

Icarus has the artifact that Fray stole from Gunther. “Is that from Melaka?” asks Sgt. Vampire Jones (who will be called this until his true identity is revealed). “There were problems,” responds Icarus. “The one I sent to watch her got hungry. Confronted her.”

Well, we all know how that ended. There’s also this other pesky detail: Gunther says that Fray was with some goat-headed dork. “Maybe a bodyguard. I’m not sure. But not human.”

“Things are moving faster than we expected,” says a rather impressed Lt. Col. Vampire Jones. “Make them move faster still.”

Meanwhile, Fray is trying to turn this slaying business into a money maker, wanting a couple sil per slay. Someone could cough that up, right? They return to her apartment where they find the milky-eyed one-armed little girl huddled in the corner bawling her eyes out. Her name is Loo, by the way, as in “Loo-k at my milky-eyed, one-armed self.” Apparently, a guy named Kettie Rawls was being very mean to her and threatened to tear off the rest of her stumpy arm. She got scared, and she was assured that she could always come to Fray’s house when she got scared.

Uhhhh, it’s too bad there’s a demon in the house right now that might be a little too much for Loo to handle at the moment, and–

Fray, Issue #3

Strangers are supposed to have the best candy.

Never mind, then.

“The girl is yours?” Urkonn asks while Loo runs to go find some candy elsewhere. No, Stumpy ain’t hers. The only family she has is her pig cop sister Erin. And… uh… she had a brother too. But he’s eight kinds of dead! He’s probably Hatch, the nerd in all those flashbacks where someone died! I’m starting to piece it all together, keep up.

Fray offers to bring Loo back to her parents who run the tav and invited Urkonn to come with. “Don’t worry, you’ll fit right in. Well, you might maybe out your hood up…”

Down in the stinky tav where all the stinky slumdogs hang out, Fray and Urkonn go over some more Slayer trivia. “Fire, sunlight, beheading, a wooden stake through the heart…”

“Not a lot of sunlight here in the Lowers. And good luck finding a piece of real wood. And fire and beheading pretty much kill anyone, am I wrong?”

NNNNRRRRGHH! Fray is ruining everything with logic and reason! She’s already tired of talking. Get her in front of some Lurks and she’ll hand their asses over on a silver bullet! Oh wait, that’s werewolves.

“Hey, Melly, got room for an old friend between those legs?” asks a big, fat bald man with one metal arm. He holds a frothy beer, and he’s got a big grin on his face. “If it isn’t Kettie Rawls,” Fray says before wrapping her legs around his neck and squeezing tight. Old friend, indeed. Urkonn tugs his hood farther down his face.

She throws him across the bar. “Mom, Melly’s fighting to avenge my honor!” Loo cries, hopping onto the bar. Urkonn is embarrassed, and rightfully so, even though Fray smiles profusely. “Urkonn, buddy, this is training!” He leaps back over to Rawls and pounds the fuck out of him while his own pals unsuccessfully try to stop her. “He doesn’t think I’m ready,” Fray thinks of Urkonn. “He doesn’t know me that well. Long as no one’s throwing girders…”

Loo’s mom revs up her own robot arm and punches Fray clear out of the building.

Fray, Issue #3

Or the rest of you, sister.

Fray hoists herself up, intending to return to the bar to finish the job no matter what the steel-armed owner thinks!

…but then she is approached by something even more demony than Urkonn.

“No. No God, please, I’m not ready… I’m not ready… for this…”

It’s Icarus and his giant belt buckle.

Final Thoughts

Icarus is small potatoes! He looks like you could pick him up and give him a swirlie. If this doesn’t happen in Issue #4 than I’ll seriously consider giving up on the Buffyverse comics altogether!

Or not. I’m all talk.


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The Great Hunt (Book 2) – Chapter 3: “Friends and Enemies”

The Wheel of Time - Book 2 - The Great Hunt

Rand has been running for two chapters because he’s scared of being “gentled” by a town full of women. They make it sound like gentling (removing a man’s access to the One Power) as akin to neutering, and not in a humane way. We’re talking balls sliced off right at the crotch. He approaches two guards at a gate who confirm that no one is to enter or leave the keep as long as the Aes Sedai are hanging around.

Rand wanders and ends up in a storeroom where Mat and Perrin are gambling with dice with a bunch of locals. Loial the Big Goat Man is there watching, and in one last desperate attempt to leave, Rand asks Loial if he knows any secret Ogier ways out of town. Loial, uselessly, does not.

Rand tries to tell Mat and Perrin that he needs to leave before the Aes Sedai get ahold of him, but they don’t understand why. So Rand pivots and changes the subject instead, because he doesn’t want to tell his good buddies and pals that he’s probably gonna be the Dragon Reborn or some similar shit. When the subject steers toward Mat and Perrin wanting to join him in trying to leave the keep, Rand starts getting mean to them on purpose to emotionally shove them away. He wants to take this journey on his own and spare his friends the harm and death of…leaving Fal Dara. Not sure exactly.

Rand feels bad for being a butthead and bumps into Egwene during another wandering session. She had already spoken to Mat, Perrin, and Loial, and she knows what Rand is up to. He attempts to be mean to her too, but Egwene ain’t having it. She tackles him to the ground and sits on him, and not in a sexy way. They threaten each other with the One Power. After some more fighting, Egwene eventually concedes that maybe Rand should run off before he gets tickled to death by the Aes Sedai. Perhaps the dungeons would be a good place to hide! That’s where she’s been having occasional chats with Padan Fain, the peddler-turned-traitor Darkfriend who sent Trollocs to Two Rivers through the Ways. Remember all that? I barely do!

They visit the dungeons and Fain acts weirder and more possessed than usual. He’s like “the battle will never end” and Mordeth this and Ba’alzamon that. So Egwene is like “fuck this” and they decide to hide among the Aes Sedai instead. Sounds like a great idea: hide among those you’re trying to avoid. Stupid kids.


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