Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Parent Teacher Disorganization”! In the previous installment, Teddy catches on quickly that his “mom” isn’t actually him “mom” but an “interdimensional parasite” hellbent on throwing him and Billy into a large white rectangle dimension! It almost works, but Loki busts them out of there.

Unfortunately, much to Loki’s chagrin, Teddy and Billy are on to him and his possible hijinks. They take him over to Asgardia which is in – yes, you guessed it – Oklahoma.

A giant blue guy named Laufey meets them at the front gates. Laufey is supposed to be dead. This is supposed to be a surprise for the reading audience, but I instead care more about the bacon sandwich with ketchup that Loki got. Kinda gross, man, but also I want one.

Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [May, 2013]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“Parent Teacher Disorganization”

Hell yeah, cover art. ‘X’ marks the spot, and that spot is a fist. To the face. Courtesy of Miss America. Eat it. I’m low-key getting tired of Loki, as it were, and these two nerds aren’t helping push the story forward much, either. Let’s get a girl in the mix, ya jabronis.

“Something got your attention, Heimdall? Some manner of tumult? Some chaos?”

“Children, Volstagg. Loki and some human friends.”

Heimdall wears horns and carries a sword. Volstagg is fat with a beard.

Volstagg toasts to these young kids getting to fight a blue giant. Lucky, lucky, lucky.

Meanwhile, the lucky so-and-sos are having the time of their lives! Billy keeps Laufey distracted with blasts of magic jizz while Teddy attempts to carry Loki into Asgardia. It doesn’t work. Laufey tosses a chained bear trap toward Teddy’s leg and it catches. Blood is everywhere! Gross! He then yanks the chain toward him, pulling both Teddy and Loki toward his waiting wrath! Oh, the wrath waits, my friend. It waits for… well, nobody. It waits for nobody. Sorry for misleading you there for a moment.

“Everyone always said the streak-of-piss mouthy Loki boy’s good for nothing,” Laufey GUFFAWS as he raises a meat cleaver over his head. “I bet he’s good for eating.”

Boogity Boogity Boogity!!

Billy tries some of that Voodoo magic! It works a little bit; Laufey starts degrading into colored goo… but then Billy trips like a dumbass.

Don’t worry. Miss America not only shows up to plow into this guy’s face at 6,000,000 mph, but she proves that she’s the biggest badass this side of *looks it up again * Broxton, Oklahoma? Man…

The three of them stare at her in awe. Like “ohhhhh, THIS is how you’re supposed to be a hero! All this time I’ve been fucking up uselessly.”

“Everyone good?” she asks them. Teddy gets lippy. Billy just calls what she did cool. She knows she’s cool. Who are you again? And who’s the blue guy? And who cares, forget she asked.

Here’s what’s going on, ma’am. Teddy’s this guy *points to Teddy*. Billy raised his mom from the dead and she turned out to be some wackaloon parasite from an alternate dimension. Loki’s this guy *points to a fire hydrant*. Laufey’s supposed to be his dead father, but he also came back from the dead in some capacity. Dead parents are coming back in some capacity. Now you’re caught up.

BUT WHY AND FROM WHENCE?! Those questions aren’t important. Back off.

Miss America gets a piece of the action, too, since her two moms show up to lay down the guilt trip. “We turned ourselves into a smear across infinite realities for you. We saved the world and left you a utopia… and you run away from it?”

Miss America is like, yeah, we gotta go. Loki is about to say that thing he says that teleports him out of dodge, but America slaps his mouth shut.

If I lost a tooth every time I said “REMR><PRBR”, I’d have a mouth full of teeth!

“Stop this. Come home,” says Mom #2. “You have a decade of studies to catch up on.” And Laufey starts rising up too with that sexy, angry glint in his eye! This is when Miss America lets Loki say the REMR>

It looks like Loki’s got everything under control! Let’s check in with the Kaplan household where Billy’s Pod Parents are fretting over the disappearance of their foster kid Teddy and their real kid Billy. “I can’t believe they haven’t called.” “They’re not normally inconsiderate.”

At exactly 10:28, which is the exact time these young Avenger-type kids popped up at the NYC nightclub, Mrs. Teddy’s Mom lady says that she’s found the kids. “They’re keeping terrible company,” she says, pulling on her jacket.

The Kaplans look sleepy. “We can’t have that. This is for the best, and we know what’s best, right? In the long run, they’ll thank us for it.”

Teddy’s Mom looks sleepy, yet wry! “Exactly.”

Skrulls. Cute boys. Neither of these topics tickle America’s fancy, gentlemen. Read the room.

At the nightclub, America looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. The library, a church, a brothel, a KKK rally, anywhere. Loki holds up four IDs like they’re playing cards. “As you can see,” he grins to the bouncers, “all their IDs are in perfect order, gentlemen. Now, send over a Magnum, if you will.”

A Magnum can either mean two things to me: a Tom Selleck, or a giant condom. And, buddy, put the two together.

Anyway, Loki calls for the group’s attention. “It seems we’re all in this together. How to unravel the mess–”

America interrupts sulkily and warns Teddy and Billy that Loki cannot be trusted. They already know this! Look at him! They tried to carry his ass to Asgardia, remember? Broxton, Oklahoma! Home of the *checks Wikipedia* intention to form an actual town? lol

“You don’t know the full story,” America continues. “Before all this, he came to me… he tried to talk me into killing you.” Then they all glare at the mischievous little rapscallion. “Er… yes,” he admits, pouring himself a large glass of champagne. “I wanted you to protect him. Imagine if I asked you to do that. What would you have done?”

Nothing. The answer would’ve been nothing.

What’s your other superpower, son? Throwing a lavish pity party?

Cool. America is intrigued now, since she never even considered that Loki didn’t want to be a total piece of shit. “Assume I believe you. What spell were you trying to cast?” Aha, nope! He wasn’t trying to cast a spell, he was trying to intercept Wiccan’s spell! Wiccan; you know Wiccan, right? Billy Boy. Right there. The kid that brought the interdimensional parasite back to their reality?

It didn’t work though! You can check the previous issues of Young Avengers!

“I tried to banish her, and it felt like I was going to die,” Billy says of Teddy’s fake not-dead mother. Too bad he’s tied too much of his full power into bring her through in the first place. You’d be able to actually banish her if you didn’t let her come over. Way to suck.

“Anything one can manage with a wand and a word is within my skill purview,” Loki pats himself on the back. “But this body? It has too little power. Even the minor spells exhaust me. Even that teleport has left me on the edge of having a nice little lie-down.” Long story short, Loki can teach this kid how to have a little more control so he can do the banishing spell! All it will cost him is however money it would take to buy about 300 of those bacon sandwiches. Hell yes! After that, the possessed parents will no longer be possessed. Parasites will be gone. We can all go home to our episodes of that old reality show with the Clock Hype-Man.

It will take too much time to learn, so scratch that. Let’s be expedient! “Loan me your power…” Loki says over his large glass of bubbly. And none of them like the sound of that one bit. “Just for ten minutes. I use it to cast the spell and… well, the problem goes away.” And none of them like the sound of that one bit.

“I wouldn’t lend you an eraser, let alone power over reality,” Billy glares. He doesn’t have many erasers, probably. Loki tries a new tactic and mentions Game of Thrones. “Who’s your favorite character?”

“Tyrion,” says Billy.

“Tyrion,” says Teddy.

“I’m Tyrion!” Loki smiles effusively. The declaration gets a lukewarm reaction.

The bouncer stops by to tell the children that their parents are here to pick them up. And indeed they are: Teddy’s Fake Mom. The Kaplans. America’s two moms. Nobody for Loki. Sad Loki. He tries to teleport them out of there again, but he flumps on the table like this: FLUMP! It’s pathetic. I don’t even drink and it would take me at least three glasses of champagne to flump!

Teddy Hulks out, as he should, being the Hulking, and starts wailing on the adults. America follows suit. Each punch and kick produces splashes of gooey liquid. The fighting lasts for about two pages. Sometimes they get punched back! Teddy gets a nice one right in the jaw by America Mom #1.

The lights go out.

“Billy. Wake up Billy. Fight’s over. We asked the parents to stay and everyone else to leave. They all did. They all understood. Grown-ups always do. And then we had a little chat about your future. And wonderful news!”

The lights come back on. Teddy’s mom is doing the talking.

“Everyone agreed that it’s best you and my lovely boy come home with me so I can feed on your souls until you’re nice and dead inside.”

The four children and trapped together in a net of fleshy goo! It would almost be quite sexy if Loki weren’t there. Also, the goo.

“Hope will only hurt you, Billy. It really will. Best to be rid of it.”

I’m starting to think this lady isn’t really Teddy’s mom!.

Final Thoughts

Whoa doggies! What a pickle! How are these kids gonna get out of this one? And also, and further, plus…

…where’s Peter Parker in all this? That kid jacks off constantly. He’d be perfect for this group!

Ok, I’m done.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #2 – “DYS”! In the previous installment, the wheels are in motion in many different directions! A woman named Kate is in outer space with an alien named Noh-Varr and then their ship gets attacked by Skrulls! A boy named Billy pulls who he thinks is his boyfriend Teddy’s mother from another dimension, but she’s definitely not that at all! Loki caught wind of Billy’s occult endeavors and tried to stop him with death, but Miss America intervened and chased him away.

Wait, I guess that’s not too many different directions! It seemed like it to me at first because I only know how to count to three.

The recap page is a cringey social media interface – Yamblr. It has trending topics like “SO MANY FEELS” and “bacon divination”. Recap blurbs end with hashtags like “#slightly uncomfortable fourth wall breaking” and “#can’t quite put my finger on it”. Kids these days, man. Or any days, for that matter.

Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [April, 2013]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“DYS”

THE MORNING AFTER A MIRACLE (aka Billy brought back a Teddy’s Mom Demon), Billy barges into Teddy’s room at noon to wake him up. He’s been awake for hours, but he’s too scared to get out of bed. What if there are monsters under the bed ready to nip at his ankles?! Eek! That shit would be bacon divination!

He’s scared because “either I get up and my mom’s there… or she’s not.”

Yes, both terrifying options. Small talk with Mom? What kind of topics are going to come up? “Hey, you burned to death in front of me once, do you want a muffin?” or “Hey, your limbs are stretchier and gooier than I remember. Everything ok?

Billy looks sad for his boyfriend buddy. He’s about to give him a nice ol’ caress, but then he gives him a gentle ol’ caress! See what I did there? Billy holds his hand. They share a stare. “Come downstairs,” Billy says with a glint in his eye that also says “…or else.”

Foster Mom is at the table knitting. Foster Dad is at the table reading a newspaper. They seem fine to me and not at all suffocated, so they are obviously pod people. Teddy’s “mom” is making breakfast. She tells Teddy that she’ll allow his late sleeping just this once, and that Billy can’t talk at the table. Demon or no demon, it’s awfully presumptuous to bark commands at these kids as if she’s ever been in their lives. I’d be like “go suck a dick, lady, who do you think you are? Someone’s mom??”

Yo, I got two things to say to you, Mom. *lifts left middle finger* *lifts left middle finger again*

Billy raises an eyebrow. “How do you know about that?” he asks her, referring to Teddy on the rooftop. She tells Billy to cork it and eat his breakfast. Rude. The least she could do at this point is, you know, leave their lives forever.

“And as much as I am grateful to Billy for bringing me here, you’re far too young to have any boyfriend. Perhaps in a decade or two…”

Billy gives Teddy’s dear old controlling narcissistic mother the side eye and turns to his pod parents. “Ms. Altman is right,” says Pod Mom, smiling. “You have so much potential, Billy, and you can’t waste it like this.” Pod Dad chimes in: “We only want what’s best for you, son.”

Well, this is a great way to get a shitty, self-destructive and rebellious kid. Billy has already had it with this woman. He lifts a magic hand and starts saying some words without spaces! “backwhenceyoucamebackwhence–” etc.

“No, Mr. Kaplan. I don’t think so,” says “Mom”, stroking her chin. She somehow counters his mage-like magic magician-like mayhem and sends him toppling backward. “Don’t think you’re bad just because you failed,” she tells him, crossing her arms and giving him a look of tired disapproval. “You tried, and that’s all we ever want. Your parents are very proud of you.”

MY REAL MOM DOESN’T TURN INTO A PUDDLE OF STRANGE LIQUID WHEN I UPPERCUT HER FACE!

Pod Parents continue to ape what “Mom” is telling the two boys while “Mom” presents a giant white square that looks like a very clean piece of paper. “I think you should both go to your room and cool off. It’s a new room. I made it just for you.”

Cool man, I– wait a minute! That’s not a room! What the hell is going on?! Is this Crazy Town?! Pod Parents start dragging Billy toward the white square on the floor. “Mom” goads Teddy into joining, but then Billy starts goin’ Crazy Town and punches the three adults into goo. Hulkin’ Teddy lifts Billy over his shoulder and walks away, but because this is only Issue #2 out of a five issue storyline, it’s not this easy. The goo starts reforming into a smiling woman-shaped Mom-like thing! Gah!

Teddy turns into a pterodactyl and busts through the wall to the outside, carrying Billy into the sky. Pod Dad, arms akimbo and grinning, stares outside of the 4ft hole his son created. “Kids, eh, Ms. Altman? Always trouble at that age.”

“Mom” phases the wall back into place as if she were reversing time. “We were all young once. They’ll learn.”

Off to Avengers Mansion. This is a task for a few of Earth’s Mightiest McDonald’s Kids Toys! Captain America! Tony Stark! The guy with the bow and arrow! Spandex lady! Jump man!

“Hulkling and Wiccan,” Billy calls into the buzzer. Security cleared, go ahead and ruin the Avengers’ day off. The one day off they get in a decade and a couple of snot-nosed chucklefuck teenagers are going to spoil with with “my mom is a walking lump of ooze”. Teddy’s all like, my mom may be some creepy evil alien entity or something, but at least the Avengers Mansion is sorta cool! Priorities.

Billy spills the beans to the room: scary occult powers, mothers back from alternate dimensions, someone figure this out for us please.

He calls the Scarlet Witch “Wanda” instead of “Mom”, and I’d like to know why she dumped this kid off into foster care instead of raising him herself. Very selfish, working to save the whole world instead of raising one reckless little Magic Boy.

Scarlet Witch agrees to help them out. They know exactly how to deal with this! Evil alternate dimension monsters LOVE grilled cheese sandwiches! We just put one on a hook and hover the fishing rod over–

“Here you go, Ms. Altman.” Scarlet Witch and the rest of the Avengers are at Teddy and Billy’s place, throwing the kids back into their care. “Hope they didn’t scare you with their running away.”

Don’t worry, the boys are in good hands. Well, not hands, but whatever it is, it’s good!

Pod Dad has glued the kids to the wall with his arm spooge. “CAPTAIN! CAN’T YOU SEE? HEL–” screams Billy, but Cap cuts him off. “Be a grown-up, William. This is beneath you.”

OK, bye bye, Avengers! Thanks for helping! Don’t let the door hit your fantastically toned asses on the way out. Pod Parents latch onto the kids and start dragging them toward the large white square again. We see Billy get thrown into this void with a two-dimensional black rectangle trap. He mimes around in it. “I’ve made a mess of this. So bad. What can I do?”

Billy sad-sacks into the corner of the cartoonish rectangle he finds himself permanently trapped within. OR IS HE?! Is he? I’m asking. Oh, maybe I should keep reading.

Some dude kicks open the corner of this 2D rectangle. “Now, let’s make a suitably hasty escape.”

“Loki?”

It’s Loki.

“What’s going on?” Billy asks.

“Nothing much. You just let an interdimensional parasite in despite my best efforts to try and stop you.”

Aha! Interdimensional parasite! Of course! Loki’s gonna help, he’s gonna make everything all sorts of right as rain again! They climb around more void rectangles looking for Teddy, who must be around here somewhere… hmm, you know, barely anyone gets out alive within these here rectangles. Heh heh, but we’ll find him. Promises!

A Son-of-Thor always keeps his promises! Loki finds the right box and Billy hoists his hefty boyfriend right out of it. “Loki, we owe you,” Billy breathes gratefully. “Sure you do,” Loki responds. “Do you have your wallet?”

Bizzapp. Grrrrziiippp. Frzzz. Loki transports the three of them hella away from there and into one of those diners Loki loves so much. Brrzoort. Frpp.

“I’ve returned with coin-possessing friends to settle my tab twice over and gift you most handsomely with for your service, patience, and sausages,” Loki tells the diner guy effusively. He sounds like he means it!

75% tip and I give you a big bear hug.

They take a seat and get down to brass tacks. No steel tacks here! Not even stainless steel tacks! This creature takes advantage of youngins with magical powers. i.e. Billy, the dumb kid we see before us. Loki has a few ideas on how to get back their parents from the Hell grip of Interdimensional Parasite Lady. “But you’d have to trust me,” Loki tells them, which is a major caveat. Teddy and Billy look at each other like they’d rather trust a scorpion with the fox’s grapes. Or something similar that actually resembles an Aesop fable.

Teddy and Co. (Billy) ask for a moment alone, which Loki allows with great pleasure so that he can go to the counter and order, and I quote, “bacon engulfed in a floury roll with the ketchup condiment”.

After seven seconds of deliberation, Teddy and the rest (Billy) agree to allow Loki to help them. So now what, Mr. Smartypants Man? What are the ideas?? Hmm? Gonna hit Mom with a frying pan? Gonna lay a trail of breadcrumbs leading to a dumpster for her to climb in? Spill.

Billy gives him some leads. When he was casting a spell, he felt something “lurch” (in his pants lol) and he heard a strange word in a strange language (in his pants lol?). And it sounds an awful lot like that language Loki uses. Interesting! Let’s go to Asgardia about it, which apparently exists outside of Broxton, Oklahoma. I don’t know why. Maybe you do. Loki doesn’t want to, because “his people” are going to “have a problem” with “him” just like how “Teddy and Billy” have a “problem” with “homework”.

“He sure is squirming a lot,” Pterodactyl Teddy comments as they arrive in Asgardia. “They do crazy Norse torture stuff, I bet.”

They look for a way in and are instead presented with a large, blue fireball hurtling toward them. It speaks! “I should thank you. This troublesome rodent has escaped his father long enough.”

This giant blue guy that emerges from the fireball is named Laufey. Laufey, as the kids understand it, is supposed to be dead! Loki looks like he ate an entire watermelon and pooped out a pineapple.

Final Thoughts

Things start to get boring when you bring the giant blue Asgardians into the mix! Where’s Miss America at? The people demand more Miss America!