Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 15 – “Phone Call”

* Part 7 of 9 of Vol. 2 – “Confluence” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 15: “Phone Call”! In the previous installment, Raito spends some time trying to schmooze Not-Shouko into giving him her identification. What finally ends up working is lying about being a member of the Kira investigation team and asking her to join. “We need someone like you,” he says sociopathically before collecting her card and immediately writing suicide stuff in the Death Note.

She started walking away vaguely after that. Will she kill thyself? Or will I kill mine own self before I slog through another chapter of this shit? You decide… or.. I’ll decide, rather.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Phone Call”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

“Hate cell phones. The world is simpler without them.” This is what the cover says, showing L’s vacant deer-in-the-headlights face. Am I supposed to like this guy yet? I hate this guy. The world is simpler without him.

At the VICIOUS CRIMINAL SERIAL MURDERS SPECIAL INVESTIGATION FORCE room of the NATIONAL SECURITY POLICE STATION, a single man sits angrily at his desk while the phones are going off like haywire on all the other empty desks. “It’s so unfair to leave me here by myself,” he thinks, ears sticking out like a monkey, cigarette hanging down.

One at a time, he pulls the phone cord out of each and sits back down with a demeanor of well-earned satisfaction… but then his own phone rings and he just about jumps out of his seat, he does! “Good afternoon. This is the Vicious Criminal Serial Murders Special Investigation Force.”

Sweet hopping Jesus, man. Get a shorter name. Start going by the acronym. GOOD AFTERNOON, THIS IS VCSMSIF!” Rolls right off the tongue.

“U…um…” stutters the voice on the other end. “I was wondering if I might be Kira, so I called in.” Hahaha, what the fuck? Who is this guy? Does he want a lethal injection? Bread and water? Conjugal visits?

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

It depends. Mulder and Scully alien-chasing FBI? Or, like, Robert Hansenn espionage to help Russia FBI?

This guy on the phone was watching the news, thought “this bastard is better off dead”, then he died! Sounds like some of that good Kira action. But no, the detective assures the caller that he is not Kira. “Are you sure? What am I supposed to do? If you don’t arrest me, more people will die!”

Well, son, go to your local Police Station full of Fat Cops and turn your ass in. They’ll probably shoot you dead on the spot like the Idiot Fat Cops that they undoubtedly are! So don’t worry!

Agent Monkey Ears is tired of all these anxious people thinking they’re Kira. It’s like, 99.9% of people on the planet are fantasizing about strangling someone right now. Honest to god that’s a real statistic that I discovered in the cavernous, murky depths of somebody’s butthole!

The next guy who calls has some clues if Agent Monkey Ears wants to listen. Sure, he’s all ears. All monkey ears. But it sounds like a bunch of hooey. A waste of time. This guy’s alone in the office, he should just start playing with himself. Yeah… yeah, just like that… yeah… yeah, keep going…

The Fine Gents are having another get-together in L’s hotel room. This wide-eyed fentanyl-addicted mentally hyper loser has amassed a collection of security tapes relevant to the FBI deaths from Detective Dipshit #3. Every single one is accounted for: footage of Knick Staek’s, Raye Penber’s, and Nicola Nasberg’s heart attacks. That’s right, you heard me. Footage of red-blooded American everyman Knick Staek.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

I had to give a whole lotta back alley handjobs to get these. Some didn’t even want them, but I insisted.

L asks for all the Raye Penber footage. It will be extra crazy to Raito there, won’t it? Won’t it, Raito’s Dad? Mr. Raito’s Dad, sir? Your son was spending A LOT of time with this grown man before he died. It will be extra crazy to see him ten feet away from the guy while he kicked the bucket.

They all watch the footage at the subway station where Penber goes GLUG and then dies. Snuffed out like a candle in the wind. A real sad state of affairs. How embarrassing for this dead complete idiot. “There’s something very strange about this,” comments L. Let’s take a look at some really boring facts!

Penber boarded at 3:13pm and died after stepping off the train at 4:43pm. If my math is correct, that’s 100 hours.

Penber received all the information about his fellow FBI agents at 3:21pm while on the train.

HMMMM… HMMM… MHHMHMHMHM…

EUREKA! Check out this fucking, cunting shit: Penber was holding an envelope before he boarded the train! Look over here. *points to screen with penis* He’s holding onto it. He didn’t have an envelope when he died! He never left the train! Envelope! The envelope is the key! Kira must have wanted the key! I mean, the envelope. Perhaps it was full of consecutively marked $1 dollar bills, extra crisp! Kira loves his ones crispy. And h–

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

Yes…yes, I see… I see it now. His legs… they appear to be on the left… hrrmmm… and the train appears to be on the right… wow…

“It would be pretty interesting if he was looking at Kira himself,” L comments with his spiky Sonic the Hedgehog hair.

…but that would be Crazy Bones! Kira can be far away to kill! He doesn’t need to be close enough to have his dick sucked to kill a dude, right? I mean, that sounds fun of course, but–

HEY! Maybe that’s what Kira wants us to think. Maybe he wants us to think that he thinks he’s not going to want us to think that he thinks we think that he doesn’t need to be close. Aha, my friend. A wise opponent.

We’re back to dumb deductions again that are turning out to be correct for reasons that give Raito too much credit. All sorts of “he scoped out every existing security camera on every train station, hidden or otherwise”. Meanwhile, speak of the Devil Himself, Raito and his mentally-challenged invisible companion are poring over the notebook. “You’ve been up late four nights in a row writing in the Death Note,” observes Ryuuku. Raito tells him to cork it.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

Something we can all agree on!

“Hey, is it possible to set the dates for certain people’s deaths?” the kid asks the Shinigami while he goes through the phone book writing names one at a time! Heh heh. Ryuuku doesn’t answer right away, and Raito calls him useless. “Gods of death don’t do that. We mostly just write instant deaths. So technically… maybe.”

Yeah. Useless. Ryuuku, always ever so curious, asks why Raito is postdating deaths. Like he’s writing death checks! Death checks his butt can’t cash! “Basically, if I was suddenly hospitalized, the deaths keep going. It keeps people from thinking ‘the deaths stopped coming when Chief Yagami’s son was hospitalized’.”

Really? This kid is planning a hospitalization? Are we having a baby?! And I wasn’t invited to the gender reveal party?? (it was Raito’s own gender-reveal. He wore a trench coat to the event)

Even is Ryukku is like “how absolutely fucked up is that”. I can’t help but think of how huge of a hole this kid dug for himself. He can’t possibly be enjoying this. Every waking moment of his existence is all about the Death Note and covering his ass. He could be playing basketball or hanging out with friends or having sex like a normal 17-year-old, but instead he’s anticipating his own hospitalization. Something went wrong here along the way.

“Now to take care of the computer problem,” Raito says, moving onto the next asinine task. Chief Dad has no new data in his computer since January 1st, meaning something drastic has changed in the investigation. L must be behind this! That shrimpy weirdo. Also that one woman whom Raito sent to the suicide forest, she must be involved as well. Grrrr! “That woman should have killed herself on the 3rd. Today’s the 5th. I’m still safe, proving that she should have done what the Death Note said.”

THERE’S GOING TO BE A TWIST HERE. Instead of killing herself, she’ll prove to be more lively than ever! Impervious to the Death Note! Magic! A sorceress! God herself! A Shinigami? Hitler!

OK, retracing steps. Yuri, the girl Raito asked out on a date to the amusement park, is going to keep the date a secret per Raito’s request (yeah right). So everything’s good there. Penber is dead. Misora Naomi killed herself (yeah right). That covers everyone who knew he was on the bus that day. Now he needs to hide the cover of the Death Note because it says “DEATH NOTE” on it in huge fucking letters.

Also, he starts sewing up his wallet. You know. For reasons.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

One of these days, this Death God is going to slap the living shit out of this kid.

“I didn’t think you would be good at sewing,” says the Shinigami. “You must be popular with the ladies.”

“That has nothing to do with this,” Raito snaps. “I’m popular because I’m smart.”

Pffft, this kid isn’t popular. Nobody likes him and he’ll find out in Chapter 45 that all the kids have been filling his locker with poop on a daily basis.

Back at L’s Cozy Hotel Room, he instructs two agents to investigate Penber’s death, and one agent to investigate the other 11 FBI agents’ deaths! Very proportional! The detectives all respond importantly: “yeah!”, “right!”, “I’m on it!”, “you can count on me!”, “wowiw zowie!”, “jeepers creepers!”, “sock it to me!”

Watari is pounding away on his laptop writing Unabomber-style manifestos when his phone rings. He’s got a sweet-ass ringtone that goes “BI BI BI”. A man named Usada wants to talk to L. He is Misora Naomi’s father, and L recognizes the name. Former FBI agent, kicked ass at it. Anyway, she’s missing! Look into it, L, you fuckface.

L holds the phone like a snot-filled tissue. He keeps making bug-eyed faces like he’s pooping out a cactus. Usada says Naomi’s cell phone has been turned off since at least December 28th.

L asks his crack team if it’s possible to locate cell phones that are off. “Ray Penber and his fiancée came to Japan and stayed at the same hotel. A day after Raye died, Naomi disappeared…”

“She must have been devastated by Raye’s death… Maybe…” pipes in Detective Brain Genius #1.

“Suicide…” pipes in some other nerd.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

One of these days, this Death God is going to slap the living shit out of THIS kid, too.

L doesn’t think so. This lady is too strong of will for suicide! She looks suicide in the face and says she’ll kill it first! No no no, something is amiss here. “She’d go after Kira on her own instead,” he surmises. Hmm… maybe Kira already knows about Naomi? Maybe he got to her?

He spends another page going over old information. I’m getting tired of the L show.

“Everyone, please investigate all the people Penber was following ever since Kira began his experiments on December 19th,” he instructs, as if it’s a simple task. Like you can just twiddle your fingers in the air. None of these people have proven to be even a little competent in my eyes.

Anyway, one of them should be Kira. Shake a leg. “Penber was investigating your families. Even though Penber’s report said that families were not suspicious, in every family that Penber investigated… please install hidden cameras and electronic bugs in all of their homes.”

Ha, what the fuck. I’m imagine Chief Wiggum Yagami going in someone’s home like “I’M THE BUG EXTERMINATOR” and the whole family sees him screwing in a fucking 7-Eleven security camera that whirrs when it moves.

The detectives all yell at L; telling him that such nonsense is illegal in Japan! They don’t care if L is King Shit, it just cannot be done!

L says to do it anyway, bitches.

Yagami further furrows his already-furrowed brow. “Who was Penber investigating at the time?”

“Sub-Chief Kitamura’s family and Chief Yagami’s family. Please install cameras and electronic bugs in these two households.”

Final Thoughts

When L sees 190 hours of footage of Raito Yagami jerking off in his bedroom, he’s going to call off the investigation immediately.


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Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Night of the Monster Men storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 1)!”

Let’s get right into it! A crossover storyline that holds Batman (Vol. 3), Nightwing (Vol. 4), and Detective Comics (Vol. 1) hostage for a couple issues each!

This is apparently not to be confused with Batman and the Monster Men. That is reportedly about entirely different monster men.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7 [November, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orlando / Tom King
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 1)”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Gotham City (naturally) at the Tolliver Memorial Morgue (sexy), a bunch of cadavers are laid out on respective tables. The sound of news radio permeates the room, reporting that HURRICANE MILTON is on its way to destroy Gotham City and everyone inside of it. People are advised to either get the fuck out or put your chairs on your roof for a really good show.

Suddenly… the cadavers start bleeding out of their heels with a FSSSS…

Like idiots, Batman, Batwoman, and Nightwing are out in the rain talking about how Tim Drake died of butt poisoning, but they still need all the help they can get to fight this hurricane. I recommend nuking it with a bomb! My Favorite President has said that once.

Batwoman reminds Batman that this is a natural disaster and saving everyone won’t be possible. Nightwing’s like “yeah”.

Batman says “fuck you, we’re saving everyone.” Nightwing scowls but doesn’t argue anymore. lol.

In a place called the Cauldron, a sweaty nude man with his sweaty nude butt showing is lifting weights. It’s Dr. Hugo Strange, and he’s fucking impossibly jacked. An assistant tells him that it’s “almost time”, and Strange smiles strangely. We cut to a shot of the cadavers hissing and leaking blood, growing these large, red pustules, deforming into something MONSTROUS and MEN-LY. Suddenly, their eyes open wide and red.

“This is Batman’s final night,” Strange says.

Elsewhere, Batman is trying to sell Jimmy Jam Gordon on using his officers to help with their cause. Gordon doesn’t want his men working with “fugitives”, which they are. That’s what they are. Fugitives. Batman argues that working together will send a message that cops and vigilantes can work in dick-sucking harmony to help make Gotham a safer place. Gordon flips off his phone.

“People need to see we’re all in this together,” Batman says. “No matter what uniform we wear.”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Great, you’re all here! It’s crucial that we all play Monopoly right now. I get the thimble!

Batman’s merry band of misfits congregates on the rooftops. “This is the situation,” Batman briefs as if no one here has heard of weather before. “Gotham will see flooding before morning. We’re evacuating the at-risk neighborhoods to the caves at Olsen Park. Floodwaters won’t reach there. GCPD will assist.”

Bomb all the buildings and leave no survivors. Got it. That’s one way to ensure the hurricane doesn’t kill anyone!

Batman assigns everyone their trivial duties. Clayface somehow splits off and morphs into a whole team of about 10 cops, informing Batman that he can only maintain this for a few hours before it all falls apart. They all go off running.

Suddenly, a KRACK BOOM rips through the air. You may think it’s merely lightning and thunder but fuck you for your assumptions. No, no, no, here’s what it is: a gigantic, heavily-deformed, squishy-looking monster! Batman gets Alfred on the horn for further analysis. Alfred tells Batman that it’s a monster! And Alfred has never seen a monster quite like this, and he’s looked at his own dick!

Batman’s like “shit” and decides that he needs to be where the monster is. He scoops up Nightwing and Batwoman and tells the rest of the team to shove off and go to IHOP or something. “No one dies tonight,” Batman tells his crew. He says that a lot, and every single time someone important dies. Count on it.

“Batman!” cries Batwoman. “You’re running off without proper recon. Do you even know how to fight monsters?”

“Of course, Kate. I’ve been doing it my entire life.”

*trombone fart*

Batman radios Alfred for more intel on how to stop this monster. Alfred doesn’t say “drive an airplane through it”, but hey, when in Rome!

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Oh, the humanity!

Too bad it did no damage to the monster and about 100 damages to the batplane. It disintegrates into a million pieces, killing everyone aboard except its only occupant: Batman. He ejects out of his cute little capsule unharmed and extends some metal Bat-a-ma-Wings to fly around like a fucking hang glider. “Handles like a dream,” he says, swooshing around.

“You seem to be taking all this in stride, sir,” Alfred notices. Batman tells him he’s fine. More than fine. Alfred reminds him that it’s ok to be scared of monsters. And Batman? Batman says that being scared doesn’t save lives. What a martyr. Someone give him a participation trophy.

Some action sequences clog up my comic book. The monster throws Batman across the street. Then Batman flies around the beast, covering it in exhaust before ejecting from his wings and announcing “SELF-DESTRUCT” to no one in particular. A fiery explosion hits the monster in the face.

Meanwhile, a bunch of those Clayface cops are directing traffic. Probably right into the path of the Monster Man. Wouldn’t that be downright hilarious?

Citizens are filing into the caves in Olsen Park, scared about being safe and or their apartments getting flooded and destroyed. Spoiler says “don’t worry about it” and stops listening.

Batwoman looks at the now-unconscious monster and wonders who the hell could possibly cause such an entity? It must be someone really strong and bald. Anyway, with the beast subdued, Batman draws its fluid into an absolutely enormous syringe and sends it via thoughts and fairies to Alfred for analysis. Here’s the skinny: Heavily-modified cells. Supercharged, programmable stem cells. Human DNA, for sure. Let’s see. Uh. Allergic to peanuts. Oh yeah, his name is Robert Castro and he was last seen on a slab at the morgue.

Robert Castro, huh? Bob Castro? The guy who killed himself in front of Gordon?

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Dramatic, but necessary.

The security footage gets fed into Batman’s smelly cowl. Nightwing asks him who the FUCK Robert Castro is, and he’s this one guy, you know? And Hugo Strange is connected, you can be damn sure of it.

A huge rumble washes over them, but it’s not thunder. It’s probably another damn monster. People are hustling through the streets all like “help!” and “no!” while the rumble gets louder and closer.

It’s another damn monster. Robert Castro was right. The monster men are cumming!

I mean, coming.

Final Thoughts

Hooo-weeee! There’s the beginning of Night of the Monster Men for you! It’s basically going to be a rehash of Batman and the Monster Men and, frankly, I’m not here for it! Boo! Make up new stories!


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Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Most Wanted? (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 5 of the Most Wanted? storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Most Wanted (Part 2)”! In the previous installment… I’m not sure exactly. I feel like I jumped into the middle of something I don’t fully understand, and I barely got her origin story which amounts to nothing but a complete, brazen Spider-Man rip-off. Here’s what I gathered:

-A flying ugly man named Adrian Toomes, aka the Vulture, is old and washed-up and I guess his weakness is bruising his fragile ego.

-Spider-Woman is bad, but she might not be bad, and people think she’s associated with the Bodega Bandit, who is definitely bad.

-MJ Watson fronts a band that Gwen quit because MJ is a complete micromanaging perfectionist.

-Captain Stacy knows that her daughter is Spider-Gwen, probably because a name like “Spider-Gwen” gives it away completely.

-A man named Frank Castle is beating people up for information about Spider-Woman and finds out the fatass Kingpin is involved.

In short, this series is already awful and I don’t expect it to get better. Time to get today’s issue over with tout suite.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [May, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2

In an anticlimactic turn of events, Spider-Gwen has landed on a barge full of garbage bags. She sings to herself in a daze until a Spider-Pig – yes, a Spider-Pig – yes, a pig dressed up as Spider-Man – wakes her up. “Upsy-Daisy, Lazy Swayze. The vulture’s gettin’ awayze.”

He calls himself the “Sporktacular Spider-Ham” and I’m driving a nail into my brain with a hammer right now. Google a picture of Jason Latour and you’ll find a guy way too old to think this dumb shit is funny. Gwen pulls off her hood and green drunk bubbles are floating above her head. Spider-Ham tells her “oink oink”. Just kidding! See, I can be funny, too!!! No, he tells her that seeing him doesn’t make her sadder than the Smiths (with editor’s notes that say that the office doesn’t like the Smiths). Nail in the brain.

“Puking in the Hudson River from a garbage boat…” says the “Sporktacular” “Spider” “Ham”. “That’s a powerful New York move, Gwenzelle.”

Gwen wonders how he could fucking lose to the Vulture of all birdlike entities! Spider-Ham details how it happened. You see, he dropped her on purpose. Then she webbed up a pair of impromptu wings, which slowed her fall by approximately two nanometers per gigasecond, sending her bouncing on the ground until she landed “gracefully” on the barge.

“Right. Face first into the trash,” Gwen says, slumping. “Just like my career.”

Spider-Ham tells her to chin-up. Vulture’s long gone, so go home and regroup, buckaroo. She can’t go home, though. She can barely stand to talk to her dad on the phone. Speaking of which, where did that phone go??

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Her 160gb porn collection. But seriously though, you’re talking to a pig. This issue is hilarious!

The phone has been picked up by the police. Evidence. The cop reports to Captain Stacy, who is like “that’s evidence you nitwit”. He knows it’s Gwen’s phone and despises the position this puts him in, so he announces that this must be Spider-Woman’s phone and that he’ll handle it swiftly.

A Detective Jean DeWolff is like “what are you going to handle” while she rightfully snoops around. Captain Stacy goes “humina humina humina” and says that it’s just her daughter’s schoolbag that he found and that he’ll return it at once and post-haste! DeWolff buys it.

Anyway, DeWolff reminds Stacy that the Spider-Woman case isn’t his anymore anyway. Frank Castle over there *points to a mountain of a man* has a lead on the Kingpin and he’s going to try to crush his fat fingers with a corked bat. “Thinks there’s a link to Spidey,” she says.

“Doubtful,” replies Stacy. “The Kingpin’s been in prison for years, Jean. Right where we put him.”

Who’s this “we”, shithead? You did this. And you’re coming with DeWolff and Castle to interrogate this 500-pound sack of elephant turds even though he hates your guts and will take the first opportunity to crush your stupid peanut head.

Meanwhile, Gwen sleeps off her adventures on her couch with her cat in an apartment that she presumably shares with MJ and Glory, who are both like “look at you, queen. You look like you ate a homeless woman and stole her clothes”.

Like the Great Gazoo, Spider-Ham sits there on the couch next to Gwen and only she can see him. She asks why he — “Peter” — is still there with her, and Glory asks if she’s feeling all right. “We haven’t seen you in weeks,” she says. “Randy Robertson found you passed out in a bar – a bar in… God… Gwen, have you really been hanging out in… Manhattan?”

Manhattan? Mother of Jesus! How crass and crude! Gwen can’t believe she passed out in motherfucking Manhattan.

All MJ cares about is that the band can be reunited! Glory tells her to stuff it. “Right, I should totally save it –” she yells. “– for the next time she bails on the biggest night of our lives!”

MJ and Glory fight while Gwen sits next to, what wasn’t it again? Spider-Ham? Ugh. She clandestinely whispers to her couch neighbor.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2

A talking pig??? Absurd!!

Gwen gets up in the middle of the other ladies’ pissy fight and declares that she’ll be leaving for no other reason other than, well, she gotta. And the ladies stop dead in their argument tracks and tell her not to go! The Mary Janes need her! Drums! Hello?!

But she walks out anyway.

And, elsewhere, and by “elsewhere” I mean “fatass prison”, Frank Castle interrogates the Kingpin about his various ne’er-do-well proclivities and his connection to the dreaded spidery female crusader. “Spider-Woman? Pfft,” the Kingpin scoffs. “An attention-starved fake looking to get her photo taken? I’d never condone such nonsense.”

He wouldn’t condone skipping cake time either. The Kingpin tells Castle to fuck off because he’s in solitary confinement and can’t do nothing about anything anyway. Idiot.

“You think I care if you’re not behind it this time, Fisk?” growls Castle. “You know who is. Where to look. At least you’d better hope you do. ‘Cause if not – I see no reason why I shouldn’t just do the world a favor and close your file right here and–”

Captain Stacy shuts him up and tells him that’s enough. Enough. Over the line, pal. You can pump his butt full of saltwater enema juice, but you can’t threaten to kill him.

Matt Murdock, Fisk’s attorney, gets looped in via speakerphone. The Kingpin, you see, is a model inmate who is serving his time nicely. “Any further contact without concrete evidence linking him to the criminal underworld or Spider-Woman constitutes targeted and malicious harassment. And will be treated as an act of war.

Fisk smiles with that shit-eating smile that obese people in prison tend to smile.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Yeah, you’re special all right. Special like a fox!

Castle is like fine, you’ll get your war then. And he hangs up the phone. Murdock laughs to himself with that shit-eating cackle that blind red-headed lawyers tend to cackle.

You see, Murdock is playing superhero right now and whacking the fuck out of the Vulture with his cane. He’s being held down by Murdock’s goons, and I didn’t even know he had goons!

Murdock tells the Vulture that Spider-Woman’s life was the Kingpin’s to take, so if he robbed him of that privilege, then he’s in deep doo-doo. The Vulture mumbles and gibbers and apologizes profusely like a sniveling little weasel-face. And that’s hard to do when you have a bird-face.

And this point, I’ve decided that Spider-Woman and Spider-Gwen are one and the same, right? How can that be when Spider-Woman is Jessica Drew? I’m so goddamned confused about this.

The Vulture doesn’t think Spider-Woman’s dead. He dropped her from the sky, sure, but… *cane*

Murdock believes him, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that Spider-Woman’s alive, now does it? “You owe me proof,” he says. “Find her. Bring her to me. Show me what you’re worth.” Yeah, right. He’s not even worth a 1-cent pony ride outside of Target. And those are fun.

Meanwhile, Gwen is still talking to that fucking pig. She even asks why he’s still hanging around anyway. “Good question,” he responds. “Maybe you have permanent brain damage.”

Spider-Gwen spiders around town. She ain’t got time for Mary Jane-related drama while the Vulture lurks in their midst. “You’re doing this for the wrong reasons, Gwen,” says the pig. “None of this will change the past. So long as you’re out here alone running from the truth.”

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2

Listen. Trouble has been chasing me my whole life. You just have to drink heavily until you die! Problem solved.

Captain Stacy is at a bar with Frank Castle thinking about how much he’s afraid of him. Standing up to the Kingpin like that? That takes cahone balls. “DeWolff said you were a family man, Frank,” says Castle conversationally. “A father?”

Stacy thinks that maybe Castle is right to stand up to these mooks. That maybe Fisk and Murdock deserve to die. “It’s been a long day. You should go home, Frank.”

Stacy wonders what will happen if Frank Castle gets to Spider-Woman before he does. “You want to go home, Captain? Go home. I’m going back to work.”

“Gwen’s going to get hurt if I don’t stop her,” Stacy thinks and he slinks home alone through the dingy alleys of Queens.” A shadow creeps over him. Stacy holds up a phone. “I take it you’re looking for this?”

“No, Dad… I’m looking for you.”

TO BE CONTINUED?!?!?!?!

Final Thoughts

It’s a little bit better, but I’m still unimpressed. This Spider-Ham nonsense needs to cease before I make BACON out of his ASS. That’s right. Don’t mess with me. I’m cuh-raaazzy.


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Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #13 – “Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 4)”

* Part 7 of 7 of the Revenge of the Green Lanterns storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #13 – “Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan is able to tear the Lanterns (who he thought he killed) away from their states of stasis on the manhunter planet. Metallo-Superman was ready, though, because he’s bringing in the big guns! Highmasters! They’re like super-duper HUGE manhunters and they’re going to literally kill everything. Even you, you deplorable skunk.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue 13 [August, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 4)”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #13

“It was during a war between the Corps and a renegade Guardian that I first met the Green Lantern of Sector 2815. He name was Arisia.”

Hal Jordan regales us with a tale about how he started making out with a 13-year-old in the middle of outer space. Granted, she was 13 under the Graxos IV orbit. 240 years on Earth. “We became more than Green Lanterns for a while.” And when Hal Jordan became Parallax, Arisia took it the hardest of anyone. She believed Jordan would come back, and she believed it continuously until the day she died.

Of butthole poisoning. Eek.

She was strangled by a major force, and she didn’t have her power ring on hand at the time. Whoops!

But she’s not really dead, is she, Hal…?

So Hal Jordan and the freshly-revived Green Lanterns fight the manhunters and the highmasters and god knows what else. Boodikka, some hot purple lady, is too busy being really, really mad at Jordan to focus on the task at hand.

The other Green Lanterns are, indeed, fighting the highmasters. They’re so damn big it’s like, wow, man. And they’re powered by Green Lanterns! Guy Gardner is in one right now, hamming it up as usual. “Is that why they brought the others here?” one Green Lantern asks. “Why they brought us here?”

And the red guy with the devil horns, Ke’Haan I think, is like “FUCK THAT, SON” and tries ring-ing the heck out of one of these behemoth highmasters. So now that everyone’s preoccupied with fighting the bad guys, Hal Jordan can slip away from fighting the bad guys to find his teenage lover Arisia. He’s about to rescue her from the cave wall when she gets scooped up by Metal-Superman. He holds her unconscious form as he soliloquys about aliens of her ilk shut down like robots running out of batteries after being dead for too long! You don’t say! And now she belongs to the manhunters, so shove off ya jabroni.

Hal Jordan has a new mission. What was once a mission of atonement (yeah right) has now become a mission of Save-Arisia-So-I-Can-Bone-Her-Again. Men, bring out your most powerful forces! Hal Jordan WILL bone again!

Jordan gets so dang mad that he blasts Iron-Superman with all the green light he’s got. He drops Arisia to the ground.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #13

This green light is greener than other green lights! Green means Go, Metal-Superman! As in, Go To Hell!!!

The blast is so large and incandescent that it throws off the other Lanterns. I think they realize that Hal Jordan isn’t going to hurt them, miraculously. “You came here thinking you’d rescue those you betrayed and all would be forgiven?” says a half-melted Metal-Superman. “Simple goal. Simple mind. Just like Superman.”

He flies toward Jordan and grabs him lovingly by the head, taunting him about his wonderful highmasters and how they are so damn big that they can destroy entire planets like Earth or Alderaan. Jordan calls the guy a piece of shit and blasts him through the tummy with green light. Not-Superman keeps taunting Jordan about how much the Guardians hate him and how he lost everything because he has the urge to disobey every order that he has ever been ordered.

Then Arisia rises from her slumber and tears Not-Superman’s right arm off at the elbow. “Oh, I’m sorry, did that hurt?” she says, smiling devilishly. Not-Superman goes “NNRR!”

The other Lanterns have destroyed the highmaster and rescued Guy Gardner. Let’s keep killing highmasters and freeing other Lanterns! A plan with focus, finally!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #13

It’s like no time has passed at all! It must be the kind of love that can only be between a grown man and a 13-year-old alien.

“Where are we?” asks Arisia.

“On the manhunter homeworld,” replies Jordan.

“Brilliant. How many manhunters?”

“Ring said 40.3 million.”

“And how many Green Lanterns are there?”

“Not counting us, about twenty-five. But nineteen are unconscious. And the other six want me dead more than the robots.”

“So, same old, same old.”

“Pretty much.”

These two work together famously to fight off the Super-Threat. Jordan gets ahold of Gardner on his ring walkie-talkie, tells him to round up all the other Green Lanterns and get them off the planet. “I outrank your ass,” says Garnder. “Don’t order me around, Hal!” And that’s that, I guess. The planet blows up and everyone dies.

So Hal Jordan promises the phone numbers of all the fine ladies that he has ever boned and Gardner says “done deal”.

“All these years and you’ve never once asked me why I chose Coast City for destruction. Why I incinerated everyone in it,” Super-Not-Man goads. Jordan says he doesn’t care, but you can tell he really does. “My wife was from Coast City,” Superman-Not continues, clearly leading toward a reason that’s all “I WANTED TO ERASE EVERYTHING THAT REMINDED ME OF HER, WAAAAAHHHH!!”

Or, eliminating life = eliminating suffering. Obviously. Meanwhile, Hal Jordan, you are to be stuffed inside a highmaster to fuel it like a battery. In you go, now.

Arisia says “NO!” I think she means it, too. Too bad she gets snatched by the same highmaster, so now they’re both in the highmaster body together. After a quick over-the-pants genital-fondling, they decide that the two of them can easily override the highmaster’s controls.

1… 2… 3!

“The highmaster amplifies our power one hundred times over. Henshaw was right about one thing,” Jordan thinks as the manhunter planet blows up. “They have the power to destroy a planet. The hull of the highmaster protects us from the immediate blast. I see the metal melt off Henshaw’s organics, leaving half of a torso and a head. For a moment, he’s what he so desperately doesn’t want to be. Human.”

And then he’s gone! Poof!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #13

Pfft. The fifth element is love? What a copout.

Now that the threats have been easily neutralized, Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner return to Oa to face the scolding of the Guardians. Guy Gardner stands by his statement that he ordered Hal Jordan to fly to Sector 3601 outside of Lantern jurisdiction. And guess what? According to the Big Book o’ Lantern Laws, he gets to break three rules before expulsion. So neener neener, you little blue twerps.

The Guardians know that Gardner is covering for Jordan. They sentence Gardner to one month of prime duty, whatever that is. As for Jordan, they do not authorize his request to expand Lantern jurisdiction to Sector 3601 and help do a tech sweep of the area to detect and remove Hank Henshaw’s consciousness! F that! You are the weakest link, goodbye!

Later, the Lanterns who Jordan saved instead of killed regroup. They tell Jordan that they won’t kill and destroy him for now, but please stay out of their way. There is still a bit of saltiness in the air.

Arisia gives Jordan a kiss and thanks him. He thanks her back and flies the fuck outta there.

Here’s what prime duty for Gardner entails: “No reading, no eating, no talking, no ring messaging, no Sudoku, no yelling, no chewing gum… and listen closely to this one: no drinking.”

Gardner is in charge of making sure a red sun doesn’t burn out while someone orbits it. I’m not sure who orbits it, but it’s apparently important that the red sun stays burning. It must be some Superman shit. Maybe it’s Not-Superman. Whoops, I ran out of giving a shit.

And, in the end, the Guardians decide that Hank Henshaw is indeed the threat that Hal Jordan made him out to be. They all vote unanimously to go out and find him.

Which means that Hal Jordan will be involved, probably. That guy is always involved.

Thank you and good night.

Final Thoughts

Hal Jordan’s going to lose Asiria again within the next four issues. She’s going to become an intergalactic pizza delivery girl and someone is going to snipe her in the brain on the third moon of Galoopus Prime XIX because she was three minutes past the delivery window.


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Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44!

Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44 [April, 1993]

Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44

”He Who Laughs Lasts” – Al Hartley

Journalist Jughead jots notes down in the Riverdale High School hallway! “This is humiliating!!!” screams Reggie so indignantly that each sentence requires three exclamation points. “My dad publishes the town paper!!! But… *choke*… Jughead is the hottest writer on the school paper!!! I can’t stand it!!!”

Someone gives Reggie a valium suppository. Then, with the determination and conviction of someone with a shirt that says his own first name on it, Reggie stomps off and declares that he will prove that he can write, too! Veronica tells him that no one fucking asked him to do anything. In fact, so suck a muffler you ol’ charley horse.

As Reggie leaves to write about the toxic waste being dumped in the school cafeteria baked beans, a particularly ugly girl wearing wallpaper for a shirt asks Jughead to write a feature on Valentine’s Day. “…it’s soooo romantic” she says sing-songily while Jughead frowns uneasily like she’s one dash of salt away from eating him.

“Well, THAT’S not romantic!!!” he yelps, pointing at a large heart pinned to the hallway bulletin board that features the following poem:

“Jughead has a needle nose,

And wears a silly hat,

His appetite just grows and grows,

How come he isn’t fat???”

Jughead scribbles notes down frantically as he points out another poem pinned to the board:

“Archie seems to mean so well,

But trouble always traps him,

We know each day that time will tell,

How accidents always happen!!!”

Betty asks who could be doing such a rude display of beautiful, heartfelt poetry. Veronica knows who it is…

But lo’! There’s one about Veronica!

Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44

I know, right? No one is supposed to know about her sexual affair with the mirror!

Veronica confronts Reggie about his terrible, turrible poetry. All Reggie cares about is that he can’t write for shit, let alone make such iambic pentameter-laden art! He stares in shock – SHOCK – at one about Weatherbee:

“Riverdale has lots of class,

The students are invincible,

So the faculty always comes in last,

Especially the principal!!!”

“This is outrageous!!!” Weatherbee grits his teeth like he’s taking a massive Reggie-sized dump. “Jughead!!! You’re a reporter!!! Find this insolent graffiti gadfly!!! Leave no stone unturned!!!”

Jughead is like “shit, now I actually have to do some work.” Then he dons his most sketchy, child-molestin’ trench coat and plays the part of detective. “We’ve got a mystery on our hands!!!” he smiles as he hides his boner quite ably. “The clues are obvious!!! It’s a matter of simple deduction!!! Follow me!!!”

Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44

Not Jayne Mansfield! B-b-b-b-but I thought she got her head chopped off!

It was Miss Grundy all along! You see, she’s a bitter old spinster who hates romance. Case closed!

“How could you do such a thing???” Weatherbee gripes. Grundy calls his ass uptight. Weatherbee has immediately learned the error of his ways and presents his own poem:

“Okay, so we’ve had our fun,

And comic Valentines are traditional,

I’m not going to be the one…

To make my love conditional!!!”

And we end with Jughead’s:

“The lazy hearts with comic shaft,

Don’t come from Cupid’s quiver,

So do we cry or do we laugh,

It depends… are we receiver or giver?”

Then everyone dies when the planes hit the Twin Towers.

”Cater to Me”

Jughead is starting a catering service. “No one knows more about food than I do!!!” he explains as he drives his beaten-down jalopy to the Lodge residence. Archie and Betty are tagging along to either be moral support or to eat all the food and piss off Mr. Lodge, causing him to release the hounds. In any case, we’re sure to encounter some hilarity and joking-off.

The first thing Jughead does to set up the party is plop down a giant, melting ice carving of Hiram Lodge’s head on the table, pissing off Smithers. Next, Archie burns the hors d’oeuvres, pissing off Mr. Lodge and causing a five-alarm fire in the kitchen.

Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44

Death by smoke inhalation! Will the jocularity never cease?!

As acrid smoke fills the house, Jughead calmly invites the guests into the next room… which contains the indoor swimming pool. Mr. And Mrs. Van Smyth fall right in with a SPLOOSH.

Hiram Lodge is positively masturbating with fury. “Jughead, take your crew and get out!!!” he screams. But wait, Lodge’s guests are having a blast. “What a clever idea for a pool party!!!” one screams to the heavens. Lodge, brow furrowed, wonders why everyone is having a good time in spite of Jughead’s jug-headedness.

Then Lodge pushes Archie into the pool. That actually happens. And it’s over.

”Class by Himself”

Mr. Weatherbee’s mother peels out on her motorcycle. I’m not even joking! It’s a thing that happens while Mr. Weatherbee hollers out of his office window.

Jughead wears his “Nose for News” jacket, and the kid certainly has a big nose. “I can include her in my interview with Mr. Weatherbee!!!” he jubilates, running into the school. Meanwhile, Weatherbee was not expecting a visit from his dear old, decrepit, desiccated, motorcycle-riding, ass-tearin’ mother. “Quick!!!” he yells to Miss Grundy. “Find my mother’s picture!!! Put it on my desk!!! Where are those cookies she sent me???”

Mother Weatherbee walks in looking like a Hell’s Angel. Jughead follows suit, much to Weatherbee’s chagrin. “It’s time for our interview, sir!!!” he grins like a shithead. Weatherbee chokes back a sputter as his mother stands there anticipating some very private interview questions such as “When did you lose your virginity?” and “What’s with that scat fetish of yours?”

Weatherbee doesn’t need Jughead’s help to embarrass him in front of his own mother. He does a good job of handling it all on his own.

Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44

RIP Mr. Weatherbee. Drowned in his own office like a complete failure.

It appears that Svenson the groundskeeper was washing windows and Weatherbee decided to open the window at that moment like the World’s Biggest Loser Son. Weatherbee gives Svenson a piece of his fat-clogged mind while Jughead gets some “excellent” quotes from Mother like “if you’re going to be in charge of others, you must be in charge of yourself” and “a penny saved is a penny earned” and “who ate the family cat?” This comic gets pretty sappy because, in spite of all evidence, she loves her wretched, large boy.

“Waldo knows I love him,” she says. “but I’ve given him the freedom to be himself!!!”

“If my wings were big enough…” Weatherbee retorts. “I think I’d fly away and try to find myself!!!”

That’s it. That’s how this story ends. No one laughs once and everyone is dumber in the end.

”Food Fight”

Jughead, Archie, and Betty are enjoying a lovely evening watching Fisting Anal Sluts in Heat on TBS when a commercial break interrupts the action. “INVASION TIME!” Jughead screams bewilderingly as Betty and Archie are duly alarmed. “First I’ll attack the leftover meatloaf!” Jughead says with conviction. “Then I’ll wipe out any cold chicken that I find! After that,” Jughead’s teeth turn razor sharp, the ferality in his manner is uncontrollable, “it’s seek and destroy all goodies I locate!”

Jughead runs to the refrigerator. LOL LOL LOLL LOLL.

Hot Dog in “Problem Solver”

This one features Jughead’s useless pup. Jughead throws him a muffin at the dinner table while Jughead’s parents give the “I wish we never procreated” look. “Jughead, we’ve got to do something about your dog’s begging,” cries Mr. Jughead, who calls him “Jughead” just like all the knuckleheads at the ol’ school. “Anything to keep him away from the table!”

Jughead (Vol. 2), Issue #44

Hot Dog is really hamming it up! Ha! Kill me dead!

”Girls Galore”

Oh man, I know what this one’s gonna be about! Jughead starts a harem and gets his dick sucked by 13 girls at once even though he’s completely distracted by a roast beef sandwich.

I was close! Archie nudges his asexual pal Jughead and points out that the girls in school seem to get prettier every year. Jughead puts on a charade where, for the benefit of his friend, he pretends to be at all interested. “For years I’ve tried to avoid female entanglement!!! But it’s getting harder all the time!!!” He’s positively screaming this as the girls walk up and down the hallways, strutting their stuff and making a ruckus in Archie’s pants. “Look at that… wall-to-wall beauties!!!” he yells while the girls, for some reason, look at them and smile broadly.

Jughead takes the moment to dunk on Archie’s dating game. “You don’t make it look like fun, pal!!!” he says angrily, prodding Archie right in the chest with a long, bony finger. “Look at Samson and Delilah! Remember what happened when Antony dated Cleopatra!!!”

“THE PAGES OF HISTORY ARE FULL OF BAD ENDINGS, JUG!!!” Archie all but busts a vein in his forehead while no teacher comes to the hallway to suspend these two rabblerousers. “BUT THE HALLS OF RIVERDALE ARE FULL OF GOOD BEGINNINGS!!!”

Jughead takes this opportunity to, instead, run to the cafeteria. Archie, smiling, surrounded by girls, says “Well, eat your heart out, Jug!!! In a half hour, your choice will be gone!!! I’ll be enjoying smorgasbord all day!!!”

Jughead looks drunk while eating a sad pile of hamburgers. He dies alone of a heart attack at age 22.

The end.

Final Thoughts

I’d suck Jughead’s dick if it brought him an ounce of non-food-related happiness. Offer’s on the table for the day, sir.


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