The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 43: “Decisions and Apparitions”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

The previous chapter ended with Loial going “oh dear God we’ll all die if travel along the Ways!”, so now Loial spends a good chunk of time explaining exactly why this is. It amounts to the following: the Breaking of the World was happening because all the male Aes Sedai were losing their marbles. The Ogier set up these steddings to contain these insane men so that they couldn’t tap into the True Source. However, since Aes Sedai feel empty and depressed within these steddings, they didn’t want to stay. Even so, as a token of their appreciation, the male Aes Sedai created “the Ways”. Passages between steddings that avoid the broken world altogether! They’re like wormholes, as I understand it. Time and space is bent and folded over, some real far out shit.

These Ways have degraded over time, though, and people started disappearing along the paths like it was the Bermuda Triangle. Loial doesn’t want to disappear either, no sir! Sometimes they did come out, but insane, like that one Stephen King story The Jaunt! Also not an attractive fate! The Ogier closed off the Ways and forbid anyone from using them, so Loial sees no reason to use them either.

Moiraine, as a response, naturally, starts spouting off some of that “the Pattern brought us here” nonsense. The answer she has to literally every question or complaint. Everyone agrees to go with Moiraine and Lan, which forces Loial’s hand. He agrees, grudgingly, to go too.

Rand has another Ba’alzamon dream. It’s uninteresting, but this time Rand grows a pair and starts confronting the demon directly. “What do you want from me?” he asks. Fealty, that’s what! Then there’s some in-dream torture and Rand falls out of bed. A splinter that stabbed his hand in the dream remains. Without a word, Moiraine heals the wound and declares that time is running out.

Do you what’s good? Veggie chips. I recommend Veggie Chips.


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Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6 – “Brightest Day”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Green Lantern: Rebirth limited Series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6 – “Brightest Day”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan beats up Sinestro for a bit and then wins the fight.

Ganthet becomes Parallax’s new victim, and everyone else thinks they’re fucked. When Hal rounds up his fellow Green Lanterns with the intention of rendering the beast incapacitated, Batman and the other Justice League members are like “oh no you don’t”.

ONE ISSUE LEFT OF THIS LIMITED SERIES! Will Hal get that Salisbury steak TV dinner that he’s been wanting so badly? Time will tell, my friends!

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6 [May, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Brightest Day”

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6

Nice cover. The Green Lanterns all think they’re so cool with the matching uniforms and magic decoder rings. Nothing that you can’t find in a cereal box, goddamnit. I keep buying all that cereal though and I haven’t found one yet. I don’t want to be in their club anyway.

“Batman believes in everything I don’t. Darkness and fear.”

The Dark Knight stands there demanding answers like he’s in charge of anything.

“I live off other things. Light and courage.”

Ganthet’s over there somewhere continuing to get painfully possessed by the Parallax, looking like a giant yellow mutant bug. It is determined that “everyone is getting infected but them”, but how they know this just standing there is beyond my meager-brained understanding.

Hal Jordan puts on his serious face. “Riots are breaking out in Los Angeles. Panicked cops are trigger-happy in Star City. Images are flickering in front of my eyes like a subliminal slideshow.”

Batman comes over to him like HEY, HAL JORDAN, COME INTO MY OFFICE. GO TO YOUR BEDROOM. MEET MY BY THE FLAGPOLE AT 3PM.

Then Jordan cracks him in the fucking face. Asshole deserved it.

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6

Eat shit, Bruce Wayne! They should make more Alfred comics! THEY SHOULD MAKE MORE ALFRED COMICS!

After clocking Batman right in his handsome, cowled face, Jordan declares that he doesn’t have time to deal with this Justice League interference and instructs his fellow Lanterns to come hither.

“Did you see that?” Guy Gardner jubilates. “One punch. Y’know, Hal. I’ve always liked you.”

Jordan tells him to stuff it as they leave. Superman and Wonder Woman make sure their buddy is ok. “Arrogant as ever,” Batman croaks, hoisting himself up. “We need to regroup and take Parallax on oursel–”

BWOOSSH. That’s the sound of an explosion of green light right before all of their eyes! Superman! Wonder Woman! Shirtless guy! Supergirl! Batman with his 900 square inch cape. They all see two individuals emerge from the green light. I’m wondering if I should know who they are. I’m also wondering if I saw them already! Maybe I should start paying attention to what I’m reading, huh?

It’s a man and a woman. “Hal knows what he’s doing. Let the Corps handle this one.”

Yes, sir!

The Green Lanterns are flying around in formation as if they were drawn by a comic book artist for a comic book, if you know what I mean. “We can’t just rush in without a plan, Hal,” says a rather grumpy John Stewart. “I’ll have one by the time we get there,” says Hal with a grimaced twinge of “I got this *croak*”. Hal asks John if he trusts him.

YEAH, BUT–

Great! So that Ganthet guy mentioned that “preparations” were made on Oa for Parallax, but does anyone know what the fuck that means? Did they have a nice candlelit dinner all ready to go? Did they draw a nice, sexy bath? Maybe! But here’s a better theory that Hal cooked up: all their rings have a connection to the central battery, and this is how Parallax got to him in the first place. Open that connection back up and send him back to the battery! Sounds easy, right? Right? What do you mean I’m talking out of my ass? That’s a good plan! Rings, batteries, don’t you all get it? Never mind, ugh. You are all a buncha dummies.

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6

My soul is spitty enough already, thanks.

“It’s gonna be like putting a tornado in a beer bottle!” says Guy Gardner, getting it. I guess. Everyone is at the ready for this tornado beer bottle thing. All they have to do is wait for Hal’s direction…

Huh? Oh… how about now? Now would be good.

So they all start doing their ring thing

-John Stewart’s constructs are “built from the inside out”. Nothing is hollow.

-Guy Gardner’s ring is like a “leaky water faucet”. His willpower can’t wait to be free.

-Kilowog’s ring is the only one that makes sound. “Like a cannon exploding.”

-Kyle Rayner’s constructs are like sketches that take form as he continues to fine-tune everything. “Kyle’s never satisfied. He’s an artist.”

Ah, ok, so everyone’s personalities come out in their own ring usage. I see. So Guy Gardner’s “leaky water faucet” sounds like someone is constantly jerking off. My own ring would have me sitting on my ass playing video games and writing a bunch of lengthy bullshit blog posts about comic books.

Let’s not forget Hal Jordan! His constructs are all about precision. Concentrated power. Focused ambitions. Get in, do the thing he needs to do, and get out. No flairs, no blares, no fuss, no muss. Bing bang boom. “Tangible glory.”

All five of them are shooting Green Lantern spooge right into Ganthet/Parallax’s huge, open mouth. Tangible glory.

They all chant their cute Green Lantern “Brightest Day/Blackest Night” poem while Ganthet continues leaking Sunny Delight all over everything.

“The air freezes around us. The vacuum of space opens up. I can feel the rings creating a pathway to the center of the universe.”

Wow, it sounds like these rings are pretty incredible, aren’t they? I wasn’t sold before, but I think I might be now? Green’s not my color, though. Gimme some Black Lanterns. Now there’s a color of light I can get behind!

“I WILL NOT BE IMPRISONED AGAIN,” Parallax shouts from within the blue little gnome Guardian, “NOT BY YOU.”

Then Yellow Fever unleashes some good old-fashioned wrath upon these Green Dorks.

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #5

Well, maybe y’all should’ve stayed home if you wanted to keep your insides and your eyeballs.

Also, Kyle Rayner goes deaf and Kilowog “falls”, which means Kilowog lucked out in that he only falls down. Guy Gardner over here has his organs cooked at 2300°F and Kilowog merely trips. How fair is that?

Hal is left standing, pointing his ring at the beast and contorting his features into a “nnffgg” face, so to speak. “Give up,” sneers the Parallax. “You failed once. You’ll fail again. Lay down and die. You’re weak. You’re scared. Give up now. Give up. Give up damn you!”

“I don’t know how.”

Ooooh, menacing. So positively badass. Terrifying.

Hal focuses his green beam at Parallax Ganthet’s cheek and yells for his team to snap out of it and help fight, god fucking damn it.

So they do, like they were never incapacitated in the first place. All these panels are lousy with green and yellow swirls of confusing shapes. I’m guessing that they’re handing Parallax’s ass to him. Ganthet/Parallax appears to breaking up, and the yellow light starts swirling into a giant green battery as if someone flushed a toilet. Which, who knows, maybe someone did! There’s certainly a turd involved, that’s for sure.

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6

Kiss the ring, bitch.

“Brothers and Sisters,” speaks a member of the Guardians, surrounded by other fellow members of the Guardians. “It is time.”

Ganthet looks like a little baby slumbering at his mother’s TEAT. “Ganthet, can you hear me?” Hal nudges the sleepy little blue man. A bright green light (of course) begins radiating from the sleepy little blue baby. “…you…you have all done well.”

The group is like “yeah baby”. And, against what he said earlier, Guy Gardner really did miss the ring! How sweet. He tongues it for a bit.

No point in celebrating. The buzzkill Justice League is here again. The standoff is led by Batman. He scowls at Hal. Hal scowls right back.

“Do you expect me to believe this? That you were influenced? Possessed? Is that what Parallax was? An outside force that–”

Hal cuts the batty man off. “I don’t expect you to believe anything. And quite honestly, I don’t care.”

WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP! Take that, Batman! You don’t need to control everything all the time, you arrogant sack of dog bones. Go slap Robin around if you want to release some of that pent-up aggression! He will just tell everyone he fell down the stairs again.

“Is that a problem,” John asks the Bat, stepping in.

Awkward silence.

Awkward silence.

Grab a snack. More awkward silence.

“Not right now, John. I suppose… I suppose this universe needs a little more light anyway,” Batman concedes. They all have a happy, tearful hug. The Green Lantern group smiles at each other like Batman is the Pope and they just got his much-needed blessing.

TERREBONNE PARISH, LOUISIANA. BELLE REVE PRISON. We haven’t seen this since Issue #1. The prisoner, a drooling huge-headed baby with a Salvador Dali mustache, who is for all intents and purposes a vegetable, thinks some thoughts. Some real lowdown thoughts, man.

“Congratulations, my friends. What a wonderful tale of the human condition. I know it well, yes. I’ve listened to all of them across the globe. Rage. Sorrow. Depression. Fear. Though I never knew you had it in you, Mr. Rayner. And Captain Jordan. My precious, precious Jordan. You’ve found your way here. And won’t it be ever so delicious and exciting – when they find their way back, too. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.”

Sounds like we got another bad guy on the horizon! He looks like Hal Jordan could punt him across town like a little drooling football, though, but maybe he can think some really mean thoughts that will make Hal cry a lot. Maybe something along the lines of “your dad is dead, you insufferable pussy”.

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #6

I’m gonna write a book about my epic adventures and get on Dr. Phil!

Looks like everything has been wrapped up in a nice package, except for this prison guy, but Hal catches up with Carol Ferris at the airfield. Carol asks him if he remembers anything while he was some weird, possessed spirit of a man. He claims that it felt like an out-of-body experience. He wasn’t in control, he was like an observer. Sorry about that and everything.

OK, well, at least we all closed the book on that chapter. Glad you’re not dead, Hal, because Carol needs someone to fly some planes for her. There isn’t a single pilot worth a damn in all of Northern California. This Gil guy that Carol was talking to on the phone at the beginning of this miniseries, she and he are going to try settling down. Rebuy this ramshackle airfield. Start a family. Go on adventures like little scamps. She tells Hal to take care of himself and they hug.

They’re going to bone later. OR, are these one of those “will they won’t they” couples where the answer is always, always, ALWAYS “won’t”? Oh wait, I know the answer!: I don’t care.

We end in Star City, the home of Ollie “Green Arrow” McFadden O’Reilly McGillicuddy Schweinhorst. Hal makes a visit to his dear friend who also has “Green” in his superhero name.

“So, after all this, what’s next?” Ollie asks. And next? Next, Hal starts living his life again. A much needed respite from not living his life is a great idea, isn’t it? He’s going to start doing some of that.

Ollie finds what he’s looking for. The lantern that he grabbed from the Ferris Airfield shortly after Hal got possessed. Hal’s lantern. Hal’s power battery.

Hal powers up his ring. Ah yes, that’s the stuff right there.

“You know,” Ollie says, looking completely banged up and near death, “I still can’t remember that damn oath.”

Hal chuckles. “I’ll never forget it.”

Final Thoughts

Yeah, I like this. I’m looking forward to digging into more of Geoff Johns’ Green Lantern arc. It’s likely going to be the only Green Lantern I’ll be reading for a long while, so if you hate Geoff Johns and his Green Lantern stories then I suggest clicking that X button at the top of your browser and– heh heh, PLEASE don’t do that. I need all the webpage hits I can get. My family is trying to live off of rain water and styrofoam packing peanuts.


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All the Bright Places (2020)

Tagline:
Live life at full brightness.

Wide Release Date:
February 28, 2020

Directed by:
Brett Haley
Screenplay by:
Jennifer Niven, Liz Hannah
Based on the novel by:
Jennifer Niven
Produced by:
Paula Mazur, Mitchell Kaplan, Elle Fanning, Brittany Kahan-Ward, Doug Mankoff, Andrew Spaulding

Starring:
Elle Fanning
Justice Smith
Alexandra Shipp
Kelli O’Hara
Lamar Johnson
Virginia Gardner
Felix Mallard
Sofia Hasmik
Keegan-Michael Key
Luke Wilson

All the Bright Places

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I’m on some sort of weird teen romantic drama kick right now. Maybe I’m missing something in my life! Maybe I have more X chromosomes than I initially thought! lol! Sexist jokes, always fucking hilarious. Right everyone?? Haha!

I was recommended this movie on Netflix after watching Five Feet Apart, so I went for it. The Fanning sisters are good actors. I had no other information going in. I hope it doesn’t suck.

THE 700(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Welcome to lovely, shitty Indiana. Elle Fanning is Violet Markey, a teenage girl who was a passenger in a car crash that killed her sister, Eleanor, nine months ago. Justice Smith is Theodore Finch, a teenage boy labelled a freak by many of his classmates. They go to same school, are in the same grade, even in the same class, but, somehow, they don’t even know each other.

All the Bright Places - Suicide Time!

I hear it’s the best time of year to hop off the bridge. The water is stupendous.

While running on a crisp autumn morning, Finch spots Violet standing on the ledge of the bridge near the crash site. He talks her down, but not before jumping on himself and happily fooling around. Violet is not amused, but nonetheless starts noticing Finch’s eccentricities at school. Finch spends a lot of time in Counselor Keegan-Michael Key‘s office… sorry, Richard Embry… taking absolutely nothing seriously. Violet spends a lot of time being sad. They’re a match made in heaven!

Their class is assigned a project involved travelling around Indiana and documenting their explorations. Finch picks Violet as a partner. Since Violet is terrified of cars, the two of them bike to various underwhelming Indiana landmarks. One after another. Finch is not discouraged by Violet’s depression and unwillingness to be enthusiastic. If nothing else, he works harder on lifting her spirits.

After many excursions, she builds a trust. Finch eventually convinces her to get in his car to visit farther Indiana attractions, including some guy’s homemade mini roller coaster. As time goes on, Violet lightens up more and more until she realizes that he has fallen in love with Finch. They do kisses and teenage banging.

All the Bright Places - Shitty Roller Coaster

Not responsible for blunt force trauma and and/or certain death.

The movie shifts gears about halfway through. Finch starts acting strange. He’s already strange, but this is something different. He disappears for days at a time, he doesn’t return texts, he’s unengaged. His closest friends wave this off as normal, that he does this all the time, that he always comes back. Violet becomes wary. Eventually, Finch comes back acting like his old self.

During a trip to the Blue Hole lake, the two swim around and Finch disappears underwater long enough to scare the shit out of Violet. Not havin’ it anymore, Violet demands to know what’s going on with him and what the hell his problem is and what the fuck is his fucking problem ad infinitum and etc. He explains, vaguely, that he was severely abused by his father during when he got into his “dark moods”. Finch also experiences these dark moods. Surprise! Bipolar disorder!

A couple of events during his manic episode causes Finch to briefly sway the other way. Violet’s ex-boyfriend calls him a freak in the hallway and Finch starts kicking his ass in front of the whole student body. Violet and Finch accidentally stay out all night, which terrifies her parents and spurs mistrust. He loses his mind about both of these situations and slips back into Sad Finch. He tries group counseling, but it doesn’t work. He tries talking to his sister Kate (Alexandra Shipp) about their father and why he may have felt the way he felt and did what he did, but she’s very adamant against talking about their father in any capacity. So that doesn’t work either.

A completely distraught Violet visits Finch’s house and checks out his weird sticky-noted room. He comes back while she’s there and explains his own “dark moods” and his attempts to snap out of it during these hard times (what he calls “staying awake”). It’s not working this time. It’s worse than it’s ever been before. He knows Violet can’t help him, and he rudely yells at her to get out of his house.

All the Bright Places - Staying Awake with Sticky Note

Why do I have “call mom” written down 800 times? Mom is dead!

When Finch disappears again, Violet returns to the Blue Hole lake and discovers his clothes, wallet, and phone all lying on the cliff. She breaks down in tears knowing that he deliberately drowned. They had one last location to visit: the Traveler’s Prayers Chapel. There she finds that he had signed the guestbook with the very phrase that Violet had decided she wanted as her own epitaph.

Violet presents their project alone, reminiscing about all the life lessons that Finch had taught her in the few weeks they had together and coming out of it a more fulfilled person.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Manic Pixie Dream Boy

The first half of the movie made me very nervous for two reasons: 1) everything was so positive and happy-go-lucky that it seemed like this was going to be nothing more than some fantastical over-optimistic, shallow love story, and 2) everything was so positive and happy-go-lucky that I was expecting something really fucked up to happen out of nowhere. Maybe because it had an MA rating and that means anything could happen.

All the Bright Places - Highest Point in Indiana

PRETEND TO BE HAPPY.

Luckily, neither case was true. The second half of the movie isn’t positive, and nothing totally fucked up happens… except maybe a suicide, but I saw it coming once the depression side of Finch kicked in full force.

Once we were in the clear and the movie became something more than just a weird, selfless kid being completely uninhibited and helping a young woman feel better about her life, I enjoyed the subversion of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Usually it’s the girl that serves as nothing more than a plot vehicle to help the depressed boy (*cough Garden State  *cough*), but not only is it the other way around in All the Bright Places, it’s subverted even further by making the Manic Pixie Dream Boy riddled with bigger problems than everybody else.

The caveat is that the movie eventually seems to become entirely about Finch’s struggles instead of Violet’s, but by the end it’s always been about Violet. Finch helped her become a better person, or at least a person with a better outlook, at his own expense. Violet could be helped, and Finch was a lost cause. At least he made a mark on the world before he left even if he wasn’t able to, as he puts it, “stay awake”.

All the Bright Places - I WAS HERE

Thanks for ruining the guestbook, Mr. Sharpie.

TOPIC 2 — Leaving an Impact on Someone

Yeah, this is really the big theme. The important takeaway at the end is that, even though Finch is gone, Violet has all the good times to remember him by. Not to mention all the tremendous help his involvement in her life gave her to move through her trauma. Finch’s suicide was like the final test! And she passed!

Violet’s progression from completely detached and miserable to warily trusting to actually happy was realistic and, in my opinion, an incredible performance by Fanning. I preferred her vastly over Smith’s performance as Finch, who didn’t necessary suck, but there wasn’t enough depth to the character beyond “my dad was abusive and also bipolar”. HOWEVER, their chemistry is great, and some of the laughs they share seem so genuine that they may not have been acting. And perhaps Finch is just thrilled to be helping someone else instead of trying to help himself. Maybe he has more optimism about Violet than he does for his own damn self.

One might say that Violet didn’t leave an impact on Finch if the conclusion was straight-up suicide. I think that’s prime baloney, sir. She drove him to suicide! No, sorry. It’s actually tragic! Violet, this person Finch ended up loving so much, became terrified at his erratic behavior. The very same type of erratic behavior from his own father that terrified him! Of course it tore him up to pieces. And when Finch TOLD her that he “is the freak” and is “fucked up”, she didn’t deny it. She didn’t deny it!

So yeah, it’s Violet’s fault! Analysis over.

All the Bright Places - Violet Crying

OK, fine. It’s only about 95% your fault, Violet. Happier?

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Elle Fanning was cast for the lead five months prior to the release of the book.
Well shit, that’s a little optimistic. What if she drove her car straight into a wall next to a bridge? Then they would be shit out of luck, wouldn’t they? They would’ve had cast Mario Van Peebles for the role as Violet.

The book is written in dual perspective of both Finch and Violet.
Yes, yes, that is very interesting. Hey, just like the movie! Isn’t it nice how things like that JUST HAPPEN?

All the Bright Places - Before I Die...

Before I die I want to… try every Jelly Belly jelly bean flavor.

Author Jennifer Niven had stated that she had dreamed of Nicholas Hoult playing Finch.
And then what happened? Did they decide that they needed a light-skinned black kid instead because people would more readily believe the abusive father angle? That’s racist, man. Should’ve cast the ghostly, pasty white Hoult kid.

On July 23rd 2018, author Jennifer Niven announced that Justice Smith had been cast for the role of Finch, causing controversy with fans due to his lack of similarity with the character that was portrayed in the book.
Oh, I see. More racism! It never ends, does it? They should’ve really gone with the book portrayal: a Danny DeVito-type.

In the book All The Bright Places the story takes place in the state of Indiana.
THANKS FOR PAYING ATTENTION, IMDb TRIVIA CONTRIBUTOR.

Both Violet and Finch are seventeen.
Nope! Upon the movie’s release, Elle Fanning was 21 and Justice Smith was 25. Do you know what I hate about teen movies? Not enough OLD PEOPLE cast as teenagers.

When, near the end of the movie, Violet is browsing through the guest book in a church, you can see that a special guest visited earlier: Mick Jagger, from England.
Why? So he can suck some pussy in the Traveler’s Prayers Chapel? Hell yeah.

All the Bright Places - Luke Wilson!

Luke Wilson, you scamp! What are you doing here, you silly goose?!

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

It’s ok. People seem to love the book, which I didn’t know existed until after I watched the movie. General consensus is that the movie botched some of the characterization and some interpersonal relationship nuances. I thought the movie was kind of fluffy, even with respect to the serious subject matter, and I wouldn’t see it again. Not terrible, though. Just forgettable. I keep forgetting the name of the movie! Something about All the Small Things.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 42: “Remembrance of Dreams”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Rand starts getting creeped out by Perrin, who is acting weird and subdued. Plus, his yellow eyes are bright and disconcerting.

Moiraine carts Mat out into the inn library, where everyone is hanging out with Loial the Windbag. Mat seems better, still kind of twitchy, but otherwise a little bit more friendly. Later, Moiraine explains to Rand that Mat’s connection with the dagger was too strong to de-taint-ify Mat completely. As a result, Mat still needs to keep the dagger with him lest he’ll die. Keeping the dagger will eventually make him crazy again, and as long as he still has the dagger, the Fades and Trollocs and Darkfriends will still trail them. It’s a real fucked up circumstance and he really shouldn’t have stolen the goddamned dagger from Shadar Logoth. But, what’s done is done, it’s part of the Pattern now, all that and everything else etc. etc. What they all should really do is find a nice well and dump him down to the bottom of it. Barring that, Tar Valon will be a good place to go for help as well. They need more Aes Sedai.

Loial tells a story where, about twenty years ago, a man visited his stedding and spoke of the Dark One intending to blind the Eye of the World, slay the Great Serpent, destroy time, and spin the Wheel of Time and hope to avoid landing on Bankrupt. Loial asks Moiraine what this all actually means and if it’s possible for the Dark One to do this.

Perrin recognizes this story! The Tinkers said something similar, that a bunch of women traversing the Aiel Waste heard the same foreboding message.

This is the part where Perrin, Mat, and Rand have to own up to all the scary dreams they’ve been having. Moiraine chastises them for not telling her all this much sooner, since the Dark One can taint these fools through their dreams and she could’ve help de-taint-ify them. Her specialty is de-taint-ifying, certainly. Too late now. In the Pattern, yada yada yada. Plus, Moiraine is suprised that all three of them are central to this Pattern weaving. She expected one. This is like trying to take care of triplets. She wasn’t prepared for this at all.

Moiraine has made up her mind; time to switch courses! Screw Tar Valon, that’s loser talk. Time to go to the Blight instead where the Dark One is encased in that one mountain. What’s it called again? Mount Doom? Shayol Ghul. The need to warn the Green Man! AKA Charlie Kelly.

At the end, she asks Loial if he knows “the Ways”. He does, and she asks him to help find a Waygate. Loial doesn’t wanna, because if they go through the Waygate they’ll *DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNN*…

All die.

Hopefully.


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Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “In Wade We Trust”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Dead Presidents storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “In Wade We Trust”!

Ahhh, Ryan Reynolds.

Ok, that’s almost my entire working knowledge of Deadpool. That, and he’s some sort of X-Man, and he’s supposed to be really funny. We’ll see about that last part! But, I adore Brian Posehn’s humor and his handsome face, so I trust that this will be adequately hilarious or my money back.

I don’t know who the fuck this Gerry Duggan guy is, though! If things are unfunny I’ll blame Duggan for dragging it down.

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1 [January, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“In Wade We Trust”

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Cover art. Deadpool fights Godzilla. Moving on!

“My country is falling apart.” Narration time! Roads and bridges are collapsing, ruining cars and causing mass panic. “It’s divided, and my fellow Americans are at each other’s throats, treading on one another.” A man wearing a camo jacket, wrap-around sunglasses, and a “Don’t Tread on Me” snake shirt is shoving a Rastafarian man at a voting location. “Suffering abounds. I’m powerless to stop it…” A homeless veteran slumps in the alley drinking booze out of a paper bag. “…but I can bring back the men that can save us from ourselves.” Some sort of Washington D.C. government building.

Very funny so far! I’m laughing so hard that my sides hurt, and that’s not just the scorpion stinging me below my rib cage either.

24 hours ago, in Independence, Missouri, a terrifying beardy man with an American flag painted across his brow slaughters a sheep and draws a terrifying pentagram symbol with blood on a terrifying grave of Harry S. Truman. He holds an ancient tome and speaks in alien gibberish while his fingers glow and yeah yeah yeah Satanic witchcraft.

“HAIL TO THE CHIEF!” he bellows as a gross, zombified arm breaks through the ground. Then the man gets hit in the back with a shield with a star on it.

And I’ll be fucked if Captain America doesn’t show up AGAIN in a comic series where he doesn’t belong! “This stops now, madman,” Cap stays while contorting his jaw in a most ridiculous manner. Lookin’ like he’s chewing cud.

“You should be helping me!” the bearded lunatic shouts back with a concerned look in his sad, little eyes. “No one loves the country more than Captain America.”

Ugh. Yeah, that’s true. What a nitwit. I bet Steve Rogers voted for Trump so he could make America great again.

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

I’m siding with Hairy-Assed Truman on this one entirely! Nuke this sucker!

Captain America grabs the man by his shirt and maniacally tells him to send the decomposing president back to the grave from whence he came. Cap looks positively feral, like a John Kricfalusi drawing. The man isn’t able to send him back. It’s a one-way street, baby. He speaks his gobbledygook rune language and fades away into nothing. “Don’t disappear on me, you coward!” Cap screams. Now he’s left to face President Harry S. Truman alone. Cap was probably alive in 1945 to kiss him on the lips. Now the tables are turning.

“Last time I was here, you were dead,” Truman snarls. “I think I liked it better that way…” See, I knew I liked this guy! Wants America destroyed. Wants Captain America dead. What’s not to like?

The next morning on the really dumb-looking S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier, a mustachioed man named Agent Gorman angrily holds up a copy of the Daily Bugle. “CAP SNAPS IN SCRAP. DECAPITAIN AMERICA STARS IN TRUMAN SHOW.”

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Captain America is now 1 for 500 on cool things I’ve actually seen him to so far.

This press ain’t good. “Americans don’t need to see Captain America decapitating President Truman!” Gorman spits, pointing to a very graphic photo on the front page. Agent Preston is bearing the brunt of this backlash. She insists that they’re doing what they can to find the beardy necromancer, and Gorman requests no involvement from the Avengers. They just do whatever the fuck they want, and Director Maria Hill doesn’t need to deal with that right now. Like usual.

“You’ll find a way, Emily,” Gorman says as he boards his jet. “Get creative if you need to, but shut this embarrassing mess down quietly.” He trusts her to get it done in spite of her hesitation. Agent Emily Preston is on the hook! Time to call Deadpool? Maybe?

A man runs up to Agent Preston with some awful news. “It’s FDR – he’s tearing up Manhattan.”

How? Is he flying his wheelchair into the Twin Towers? “Scramble a team,” requests the grimacing Preston. “I can’t believe nobody remembered it’s my birthday,” she mutters. “What else could go wrong?”

Well, forget FDR, because a giant Godzilla-like Godzilla is Godzillaing Manhattan. Tearing up buildings, crushing cars, taking huge fire truck-sized dumps on childrens’ heads. People are running and screaming… and then, suddenly, the creature stops. “Urk,” he gurgles, looking quite sick. A katana is known to emerge from his stomach from the inside. The katana slices down the center of the abdomen. “HERE COMES DEADPOOL,” screams a man in a torn-up red costume, covered in blood and guts.

“Get away from us!” yells a nauseated woman.

“That was awesome!” grins the woman’s young son.

“Chest burster, run!” yells a Matthew McConaughey-type motherfucker.

“Don’t thank me all at once,” our masked crusader grumbles. Thor, too, emerges from the dead Godzilla’s slimy innards. He looks peeved. Deadpool promises he won’t tell anyone about their “marvelous team-up”. Thor insists that it wasn’t a team-up.

A guy with a broom points his finger at Deadpool and tells him to clean this mess up. “Just roll Deadzilla to the curb. A hobo will eat it,” Deadpool says, waving the man away. People are running again; there’s some more trouble a-loomin’. Deadpool assures a fire chief that he is able to heal from any injury due to a new immune system from the Canadian government! So, he’s got that going for him! The fire chief doesn’t care about that right now, FDR is rolling through!

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Methinks good ol’ Uncle Franklin is going to gift us with one of his famous fireside chats.

A petrified police officer struggles on what to do about this while Deadpool chomps on a hot dog. FDR lifts a taxi over his head and the officer shoots three bullets into his chest. As you can imagine, it doesn’t work, and the taxi gets launched toward them. The officer is crushed like a grape. Deadpool leaps out of the way.

“And what about you, Mummer. Are you next to feel my wrath?” FDR threatens as Deadpool stands up to the Zombie-in-Chief with a couple of semi-automatic rifles. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t fucking work. Why would it? FDR barrels through on his wheelie wheels. The rifles’ rounds are emptied. FDR glares with a menacing grin. “JUST SO EVERYBODY KNOWS,” Deadpool shouts into the open city space, “THE WHEELCHAIR GUY STARTED IT.”

And the wheelchair guy intends to finish it. FDR slams into Deadpool and they fall down the subway steps. Deadpool stabs the president in the chest with one of his katanas, kill-style. “You are made of stern stuff, clown,” the dead president retorts, sort of not killed nor dead. “Let’s see how you react when I unleash the very essence of death!”

The “very essence of death” is just a bunch of lightning, so I’ll remember that next time there’s a storm. I thought it was God bowling, but no, it’s the very essence of death. Deadpool reacts like this: “YEAAARGH!” Then he shoves his stinky mask over FDR’s head and pushes him into the oncoming train.

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

It’s like this guy can survive four terms or something.

“You have nothing to fear – except me!” FDR bellows, now floating above everyone’s heads. This fuckface just won’t die! “You don’t belong here – old people should either be dead or in Florida!” Deadpool quips. These quips are making me groan. Step it up, Posehn.

The Pool of the Dead tries impaling the lovely president again, but it seems fruitless. He pushes that sucker through him right to the hilt. That works for some reason. “NOOOOOOOOO!” FDR roars like Darth Vader. He explodes in a torrent of electricity and green smoke.

“He did it!” exclaims Agent Preston. “How would you like a job, Deadpool?”

“Lady, I’m taking some time off, thank you very much.”

Preston tries to help the decrepit hero up, but she pulls his rotting arm right out of its socket. “I’m honored that you trust me to serve America, the country that I do the most damage in,” he smiles. Preston tells him that she can’t have real heroes like Captain “400 on the SAT” America fighting these zombie presidents. She needs some wack ass like Deadpool to do it so that the public can be like “oh yeah, the dead-ish weirdo is fighting the dead-ish weirdos. Makes sense. “You’re the scumbag we need,” Preston tells him with only the highest of compliments intended.

They take the Helicarrier to the S.H.I.E.L.D. infirmary, Agent Something-Or-Other asks Preston if she’s really serious about paying Deadpool millions of dollars to eradicate these presidential buttheads. “And when the job is done I get my money in a pillowcase with a big dollar sign on it!” Deadpool says lying in the infirmary bed.

Preston’s got some terms! He listens to everything she says, no ifs, ands, buts, and all the other conjunctions. Do NOT tell anyone that you’re working for S.H.I.E.L.D. Do not hurt a civilian. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. lol, that’s my joke!

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Butt.

Uh oh, George Washington is terrorizing Philadelphia! Time for action! Deadpool books it to Liberty Hall where a mess of zombie American leaders have convened. Dead Taft is stuck in a bathtub. Abe Lincoln shoots Deadpool in the back of the head. “I’ve always wanted to do that,” he says, fist-pumping.

“Order! Order!” George Washington bangs his gavel on the bench. “All in favor of destroying this country and starting over?”

“AYE!” screams the entire room.

“Motion is unopposed and carries.” The menacing Washington snarls with lightning coming out of his horrible green eyeballs. “We shall destroy this country and start anew.”

Final Thoughts

Pretty good! I’ll leave you with part of the note Deadpool wrote at the end of the issue.

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

I’m gonna like this guy after all.


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