The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 42: “Remembrance of Dreams”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Rand starts getting creeped out by Perrin, who is acting weird and subdued. Plus, his yellow eyes are bright and disconcerting.

Moiraine carts Mat out into the inn library, where everyone is hanging out with Loial the Windbag. Mat seems better, still kind of twitchy, but otherwise a little bit more friendly. Later, Moiraine explains to Rand that Mat’s connection with the dagger was too strong to de-taint-ify Mat completely. As a result, Mat still needs to keep the dagger with him lest he’ll die. Keeping the dagger will eventually make him crazy again, and as long as he still has the dagger, the Fades and Trollocs and Darkfriends will still trail them. It’s a real fucked up circumstance and he really shouldn’t have stolen the goddamned dagger from Shadar Logoth. But, what’s done is done, it’s part of the Pattern now, all that and everything else etc. etc. What they all should really do is find a nice well and dump him down to the bottom of it. Barring that, Tar Valon will be a good place to go for help as well. They need more Aes Sedai.

Loial tells a story where, about twenty years ago, a man visited his stedding and spoke of the Dark One intending to blind the Eye of the World, slay the Great Serpent, destroy time, and spin the Wheel of Time and hope to avoid landing on Bankrupt. Loial asks Moiraine what this all actually means and if it’s possible for the Dark One to do this.

Perrin recognizes this story! The Tinkers said something similar, that a bunch of women traversing the Aiel Waste heard the same foreboding message.

This is the part where Perrin, Mat, and Rand have to own up to all the scary dreams they’ve been having. Moiraine chastises them for not telling her all this much sooner, since the Dark One can taint these fools through their dreams and she could’ve help de-taint-ify them. Her specialty is de-taint-ifying, certainly. Too late now. In the Pattern, yada yada yada. Plus, Moiraine is suprised that all three of them are central to this Pattern weaving. She expected one. This is like trying to take care of triplets. She wasn’t prepared for this at all.

Moiraine has made up her mind; time to switch courses! Screw Tar Valon, that’s loser talk. Time to go to the Blight instead where the Dark One is encased in that one mountain. What’s it called again? Mount Doom? Shayol Ghul. The need to warn the Green Man! AKA Charlie Kelly.

At the end, she asks Loial if he knows “the Ways”. He does, and she asks him to help find a Waygate. Loial doesn’t wanna, because if they go through the Waygate they’ll *DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNN*…

All die.

Hopefully.


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Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “In Wade We Trust”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Dead Presidents storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1 – “In Wade We Trust”!

Ahhh, Ryan Reynolds.

Ok, that’s almost my entire working knowledge of Deadpool. That, and he’s some sort of X-Man, and he’s supposed to be really funny. We’ll see about that last part! But, I adore Brian Posehn’s humor and his handsome face, so I trust that this will be adequately hilarious or my money back.

I don’t know who the fuck this Gerry Duggan guy is, though! If things are unfunny I’ll blame Duggan for dragging it down.

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1 [January, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“In Wade We Trust”

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Cover art. Deadpool fights Godzilla. Moving on!

“My country is falling apart.” Narration time! Roads and bridges are collapsing, ruining cars and causing mass panic. “It’s divided, and my fellow Americans are at each other’s throats, treading on one another.” A man wearing a camo jacket, wrap-around sunglasses, and a “Don’t Tread on Me” snake shirt is shoving a Rastafarian man at a voting location. “Suffering abounds. I’m powerless to stop it…” A homeless veteran slumps in the alley drinking booze out of a paper bag. “…but I can bring back the men that can save us from ourselves.” Some sort of Washington D.C. government building.

Very funny so far! I’m laughing so hard that my sides hurt, and that’s not just the scorpion stinging me below my rib cage either.

24 hours ago, in Independence, Missouri, a terrifying beardy man with an American flag painted across his brow slaughters a sheep and draws a terrifying pentagram symbol with blood on a terrifying grave of Harry S. Truman. He holds an ancient tome and speaks in alien gibberish while his fingers glow and yeah yeah yeah Satanic witchcraft.

“HAIL TO THE CHIEF!” he bellows as a gross, zombified arm breaks through the ground. Then the man gets hit in the back with a shield with a star on it.

And I’ll be fucked if Captain America doesn’t show up AGAIN in a comic series where he doesn’t belong! “This stops now, madman,” Cap stays while contorting his jaw in a most ridiculous manner. Lookin’ like he’s chewing cud.

“You should be helping me!” the bearded lunatic shouts back with a concerned look in his sad, little eyes. “No one loves the country more than Captain America.”

Ugh. Yeah, that’s true. What a nitwit. I bet Steve Rogers voted for Trump so he could make America great again.

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

I’m siding with Hairy-Assed Truman on this one entirely! Nuke this sucker!

Captain America grabs the man by his shirt and maniacally tells him to send the decomposing president back to the grave from whence he came. Cap looks positively feral, like a John Kricfalusi drawing. The man isn’t able to send him back. It’s a one-way street, baby. He speaks his gobbledygook rune language and fades away into nothing. “Don’t disappear on me, you coward!” Cap screams. Now he’s left to face President Harry S. Truman alone. Cap was probably alive in 1945 to kiss him on the lips. Now the tables are turning.

“Last time I was here, you were dead,” Truman snarls. “I think I liked it better that way…” See, I knew I liked this guy! Wants America destroyed. Wants Captain America dead. What’s not to like?

The next morning on the really dumb-looking S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier, a mustachioed man named Agent Gorman angrily holds up a copy of the Daily Bugle. “CAP SNAPS IN SCRAP. DECAPITAIN AMERICA STARS IN TRUMAN SHOW.”

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Captain America is now 1 for 500 on cool things I’ve actually seen him to so far.

This press ain’t good. “Americans don’t need to see Captain America decapitating President Truman!” Gorman spits, pointing to a very graphic photo on the front page. Agent Preston is bearing the brunt of this backlash. She insists that they’re doing what they can to find the beardy necromancer, and Gorman requests no involvement from the Avengers. They just do whatever the fuck they want, and Director Maria Hill doesn’t need to deal with that right now. Like usual.

“You’ll find a way, Emily,” Gorman says as he boards his jet. “Get creative if you need to, but shut this embarrassing mess down quietly.” He trusts her to get it done in spite of her hesitation. Agent Emily Preston is on the hook! Time to call Deadpool? Maybe?

A man runs up to Agent Preston with some awful news. “It’s FDR – he’s tearing up Manhattan.”

How? Is he flying his wheelchair into the Twin Towers? “Scramble a team,” requests the grimacing Preston. “I can’t believe nobody remembered it’s my birthday,” she mutters. “What else could go wrong?”

Well, forget FDR, because a giant Godzilla-like Godzilla is Godzillaing Manhattan. Tearing up buildings, crushing cars, taking huge fire truck-sized dumps on childrens’ heads. People are running and screaming… and then, suddenly, the creature stops. “Urk,” he gurgles, looking quite sick. A katana is known to emerge from his stomach from the inside. The katana slices down the center of the abdomen. “HERE COMES DEADPOOL,” screams a man in a torn-up red costume, covered in blood and guts.

“Get away from us!” yells a nauseated woman.

“That was awesome!” grins the woman’s young son.

“Chest burster, run!” yells a Matthew McConaughey-type motherfucker.

“Don’t thank me all at once,” our masked crusader grumbles. Thor, too, emerges from the dead Godzilla’s slimy innards. He looks peeved. Deadpool promises he won’t tell anyone about their “marvelous team-up”. Thor insists that it wasn’t a team-up.

A guy with a broom points his finger at Deadpool and tells him to clean this mess up. “Just roll Deadzilla to the curb. A hobo will eat it,” Deadpool says, waving the man away. People are running again; there’s some more trouble a-loomin’. Deadpool assures a fire chief that he is able to heal from any injury due to a new immune system from the Canadian government! So, he’s got that going for him! The fire chief doesn’t care about that right now, FDR is rolling through!

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Methinks good ol’ Uncle Franklin is going to gift us with one of his famous fireside chats.

A petrified police officer struggles on what to do about this while Deadpool chomps on a hot dog. FDR lifts a taxi over his head and the officer shoots three bullets into his chest. As you can imagine, it doesn’t work, and the taxi gets launched toward them. The officer is crushed like a grape. Deadpool leaps out of the way.

“And what about you, Mummer. Are you next to feel my wrath?” FDR threatens as Deadpool stands up to the Zombie-in-Chief with a couple of semi-automatic rifles. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t fucking work. Why would it? FDR barrels through on his wheelie wheels. The rifles’ rounds are emptied. FDR glares with a menacing grin. “JUST SO EVERYBODY KNOWS,” Deadpool shouts into the open city space, “THE WHEELCHAIR GUY STARTED IT.”

And the wheelchair guy intends to finish it. FDR slams into Deadpool and they fall down the subway steps. Deadpool stabs the president in the chest with one of his katanas, kill-style. “You are made of stern stuff, clown,” the dead president retorts, sort of not killed nor dead. “Let’s see how you react when I unleash the very essence of death!”

The “very essence of death” is just a bunch of lightning, so I’ll remember that next time there’s a storm. I thought it was God bowling, but no, it’s the very essence of death. Deadpool reacts like this: “YEAAARGH!” Then he shoves his stinky mask over FDR’s head and pushes him into the oncoming train.

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

It’s like this guy can survive four terms or something.

“You have nothing to fear – except me!” FDR bellows, now floating above everyone’s heads. This fuckface just won’t die! “You don’t belong here – old people should either be dead or in Florida!” Deadpool quips. These quips are making me groan. Step it up, Posehn.

The Pool of the Dead tries impaling the lovely president again, but it seems fruitless. He pushes that sucker through him right to the hilt. That works for some reason. “NOOOOOOOOO!” FDR roars like Darth Vader. He explodes in a torrent of electricity and green smoke.

“He did it!” exclaims Agent Preston. “How would you like a job, Deadpool?”

“Lady, I’m taking some time off, thank you very much.”

Preston tries to help the decrepit hero up, but she pulls his rotting arm right out of its socket. “I’m honored that you trust me to serve America, the country that I do the most damage in,” he smiles. Preston tells him that she can’t have real heroes like Captain “400 on the SAT” America fighting these zombie presidents. She needs some wack ass like Deadpool to do it so that the public can be like “oh yeah, the dead-ish weirdo is fighting the dead-ish weirdos. Makes sense. “You’re the scumbag we need,” Preston tells him with only the highest of compliments intended.

They take the Helicarrier to the S.H.I.E.L.D. infirmary, Agent Something-Or-Other asks Preston if she’s really serious about paying Deadpool millions of dollars to eradicate these presidential buttheads. “And when the job is done I get my money in a pillowcase with a big dollar sign on it!” Deadpool says lying in the infirmary bed.

Preston’s got some terms! He listens to everything she says, no ifs, ands, buts, and all the other conjunctions. Do NOT tell anyone that you’re working for S.H.I.E.L.D. Do not hurt a civilian. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. lol, that’s my joke!

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

Butt.

Uh oh, George Washington is terrorizing Philadelphia! Time for action! Deadpool books it to Liberty Hall where a mess of zombie American leaders have convened. Dead Taft is stuck in a bathtub. Abe Lincoln shoots Deadpool in the back of the head. “I’ve always wanted to do that,” he says, fist-pumping.

“Order! Order!” George Washington bangs his gavel on the bench. “All in favor of destroying this country and starting over?”

“AYE!” screams the entire room.

“Motion is unopposed and carries.” The menacing Washington snarls with lightning coming out of his horrible green eyeballs. “We shall destroy this country and start anew.”

Final Thoughts

Pretty good! I’ll leave you with part of the note Deadpool wrote at the end of the issue.

Deadpool (Vol. 5), Issue #1

I’m gonna like this guy after all.


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Invincible, Issue #3

* Part 3 of 4 of the Family Matters storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Invincible, Issue #3! In the previous installment, Mark sneaks out of his room in the dead of night and flies to the toy store where he meets a group of four superheroes known as the Teen Team. They are there to stop a big blue guy named Mauler from stealing a pallet of video game consoles for their processors in order to build a robot army! Or something to that effect. They let Mark on the team.

Mark learns that one of the heroes, Atom Eve, has been in his biology class the whole time! They’re totally gonna fuck later. She starts showing him the ropes a bit.

The issue ended with a man exploding in a mall. He had a bomb strapped to his chest and I don’t think he was too happy to be dead one second after he woke up on a bench. We’ll see more about that soon!

Invincible, Issue #3 [March, 2003]
Written by: Robert Kirkman

Invincible, Issue #3Mark goes to Reginald VelJohnson high school, which is the single funniest thing I’ve seen in a comic book. Look that up. “We are currently working with the authorities to give them all the information we can in order to help them locate the missing students,” Mr. Principal says during one of those school-type press conferences. What do you call them? Assemblies, yeah. The principal tries to assure the student body that these three students are friends and this disappearance may have been planned, so, like, don’t freak out yet. OK?

Later in the hallway, Mark admits to Eve that, in nicer words, “Good riddance”. Green Day, baby. Eve calls him cruel, saying that she can’t speak for the other two, but TODD JEFFERSON was always nice to her. Mark tells her it’s because she has the pussy. Eve thinks Mark is hitting on her. Mark gets a giant anime sweat drop.

Now that Eve has made it weird, Mark doesn’t make it any more reassuring that he’s not creeping on her: following her to the cafeteria, asking to sit next to her. She’s not into it whatsoever, but this really dumb teenager isn’t picking up any of the very obvious social cues.

…

…

“So…” Mark hazards with a smile, “sure is fun being a superhero, isn’t it?”

“Did you hear there was another mall bombing?” Eve responds, not listening fully. Just sucking all that fun right out the Funnest Place on Earth. The school cafeteria.

Robot is on these scene trying to figure out what’s going on, but the bombs are so powerful that they’re destroying all the evidence on the scene. We’re talking Fat Man and Little Boy. We’re talking Hiroshima and Nagasaki. We’re talking Oklahoma City. We’re talking How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love It.

Another bombing! Why that’s two in three weeks! That’s one every week-and-a-half! That’s, like, half a bombing every 126 hours, man. That’s almost as long as it took James Franco to cut off an arm! Sorry, you were saying?

God, the panels here are awful. Nothing good yet to include in the post! Sorry, more words ahead.

Eve wants to know if this kid is serious about joining the Teen Team yet? He should swing by after school and make it official with all those ritual paddlings that all new members are required to undergo. Mark can’t make it, he’s going to work at the Burger Butt even though his dad is a big rich “semi-famous novelist”. Working builds character! I think Mark’s been hanging around Calvin’s Dad a little too much lately. Building character by working at fast food restaurants and digging holes and the like. Grinding down pennies until they’re the size of dimes and using them in vending machines! Nothing builds character like victimless crimes.

Mark’s friend William thinks he and Eve are going out. “Trust me. She is not my girlfriend,” Mark half-complains.

Invincible, Issue #3

Building character through irreversible crippling depression.

At the Burger Fuck, Mark’s manager hollers at the kid for spacing out. Customers are demanding their awful, greasy food! Clientele of varying degrees of obesity, ranging from morbidly to catatonically, are going through fat and sugar withdrawals. STEP ON IT, KID.

How about no? Life’s too short to not be using super powers at every minute of every day! Mark calls his Nazi boss a jerk and storms out of there with a BIG OL’ SMILE on his face.

Then he stands outside near the dumpsters with a BIG OL’ FROWN. “Dad’s going to kill me.” You better hope that’s the least he’ll do. Dad is super strong, he could rip your limbs off like wings on a fly. HOWEVER, lucky for Mark, Dad’s on the same page. In fact, right after dinner, Dad even suggests quitting! He’s like “you’re a dang superhero, stop flipping burgers and start flipping bad guys”. Mark smiles in a patented Mark-style aw-shucks face and tells his dad that maybe, heh, maybe he could swing that. Heh heh.

Dad later catches Mark squeezing into his Invincible costume. So proud, this mustachioed dad is of his acne-riddled son. Mark’s gonna go patrollin’! Dad asks if he’d like him to join. “I think we’re about due for a team-up.” Daaaawwwww!!

They take off and fly side-by-side while having a congenial fatherly-sonnily chatty chat. “You’ve done a lot of good these past three months. To be honest, I’m quite impressed.” Really? Mark has barely done shit except sneak out of bed late at night and accidentally make the girl at school uncomfortable. Mark thanks his dad. Dad tells him to keep up the good work.

Something bad’s gonna go down soon. This issue is too banal and sinister! I have nothing to talk about! Have I mentioned my love of mostaccioli before in this blog? Several times, actually! There’s a little Easter egg for ya. Find all the mentions of mostaccioli in my blog and win a prize! The prize is your testicles hooked up to a car battery.

Invincible, Issue #3

Behold, the representative exciting tone of the comic book so far.

Father and Son go to BEEFY FRANK’S, where the two enjoy a meal of American-style hot dogs! Dad admits that since Mark is a loathsome half-blood, he may never get to be as powerful as Dad. Do I even know Dad’s name? Is “Omni-Man” his God-given Christian name from Planet Quoobs or wherever he’s from?

Hold that thought, Dad’s superhero pager is going off… and he’s gonna need Mark’s help with this one! Whattaya say, buddy old pal? Ready to do crime-busting with Dad?? You bet you are! *noogie*

They fly high in the sky, guy! Jets are fighting with other jets, so I assume this is the military versus some other military? “Let’s help these boys out!” Dad grunts as he flies around like a dang superhero. Invincible punches some dudes, making Dad proud.

BOOM BOOM POW BOOM POW HURK MOO. Aircraft explodes, guys are blowing up, Dad says that these jets keep flying out of “that portal”.

Invincible, Issue #3

Says you! I’m from Jersey City!

Looks like it’s aliens, Scully. “Let me help you find your way home,” Mark cries, uppercutting this bitch and sending him flying back toward the large pink portal.

“I think we’re dealing with some sort of other-dimensional army here,” Omni-Man does some Omni-Mansplaining. “I don’t recognize these things at all. Which means they could have an entire universe worth of soldiers ready to spill out of that thing!” Well well well, things aren’t that easy for the most powerful sorta-human in the world, is it? Is this part where Mark watches his dad die? Hilarious!

SKRAGG! That’s the sound of Omni-Man ripping an alien jet into two pieces. Invincible continues punching aliens. “Wait a second,” Invincible hesitates by waiting a second. “…is it just me or are these guys getting slower?”

Yeah, that’s pretty sus. In fact, now that they look… even… harder… at these guys… *leans in for a kiss* … they seem to be aging right before they’re very eyeballs! It sure is making beating these losers up much easier. They’re, as Omni-Man says, using an Earthian English expression, “dropping like flies”. Even so, there are about a quintillion of them and poor widdle Invincible is getting tired and, uh, more Vincible by the minute.

“GET OFF MY PLANET!” Omni-Man screams as he launches an alien tank toward a group of aliens who aren’t currently in tanks. Invincible gingerly approaches his dad, who is snarling and growling and frothing up a storm. “It’s ok, Dad. They’re leaving. It’s over.” Invincible points over to the portal where the aliens are retreating. They look sad. “You’re right, let’s go,” Omni-Man responds. And just like that, they go.

This doesn’t happen often. Another couple of nanoseconds and Omni-Man would’ve had to call in for backup. Guardians of the Globe. Megaforce. NAMBLA. Whoever was available. Anyway, let’s head home! I think Mom made a pile of chicken nuggets and–

OH NO! LAKESIDE MALL! LET’S BOOGIE!

Invincible, Issue #3

Heh, uh… hey Dad… let’s try not to strangle the patronage, ok?

Omni-Man speeds ahead faster than Invincible can keep up. Eventually, Invincible makes it to the mall where he discovers a giant hole plowed into the roof. Then, as you can see, dad’s fucking up some kid’s shit. Well, the kid has a bomb strapped to his chest with three seconds left on the timer.

“Quickly! Tell me who did this to you!” Omni-Man bellows, hoisting the kid up by his jacket.

“D– did what?”

Then the superhero tosses this kid through the hole in the roof. The kid explodes. Everyone is safe!… except for the exploded kid.

“That was one of the missing students from my school!” Invincible exclaims. Omni-Man thinks on this for a moment. “But that would mean–”

We don’t get to know what that would mean. A portal appears behind him and an alien drags him right through. “Dang it,” Invincible stares at the empty air before him. Bye bye, Pops! Maybe forever? I’m still predicting a dead dad scenario here.

Invincible flies home to his bedroom and puts on his Mark clothes. I’d hate to be him right now, having to tell his mother the bad news! I’ve had to tell my mother the bad news in my day; I failed college. I got fired. I’m addicted to heroin and fentanyl cocktails. But I’ve never had to break news THIS bad before. And I’ve watched Breaking Bad twice.

“I guess I can look forward to you both being late from now on,” Mom sighs, setting the table.

Ha ha. Uhm. “Actually… Dad was sucked into a portal about fifteen minutes ago, I don’t think he’ll be home tonight. It was some aliens we fought earlier today… I’m sure he’s fine.”

…

“Well that’s more pork chops for us,” Mom replies, emoting like a mailbox.

Final Thoughts

“Dad”, if that is his real name, is probably going to need to be rescued from another dimension by his son IF he has already been eviscerated and heavily probed in the buttocks.

I predict Mark’s going to have to leave for an extended time with his new Teen Team. That’s a lot of extra pork chops for Mom. She’s a lucky gal.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 41: “Old Friends and New Threats”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Rand runs and runs like Forrest Gump back to the inn, not stopping for anything. Not even for a beer or whatever it is young men drink in Caemlyn. Cream soda? He tells Master Gill and Loial the Ogier what had happened with the Queen and her creepy kin, which Gill doesn’t believe at first! Poppycock and whatnot! But then when he realizes it’s all true, he goads Rand and Mat into leaving the city immediately before the Whitecloaks ransack every inn looking for them. Loial, again, asks to join Rand on his merry adventures. Rand declines again, but then half-heartedly allows him to join once they shove off.

Whitecloaks have entered the inn! Let the ransacking commence! It doesn’t work, because Gill is an intimidating man that I’m picturing as Jim Belushi and he is able to convince the Whitecloaks to do an about-face and leave the inn forever.

Rand is about to try to explain that he has no idea why the Whitecloaks are after him when a maid pops her head into the room and says that there’s a woman asking for Rand. Who could that be? There would never be any woman asking for Rand, that’s for damn– Nynaeve! Perrin! Egwene! Moiraine! Lan! Simon! Theodore! ALLLLLLVIIIIIINNN!!

They catch up all friendly-like, explaining to one another their various adventures since they all split off. Rand has to tell the group that Thom is dead, which makes everyone shift uncomfortably. Rand notices that Perrin is all weird now, but he doesn’t see his yellow eyes yet. Time to visit Mat! He’s been curled in bed for about 490 hours sick with some sort of plague! Don’t get too close now.

Mat is sick with something all right. He’s sick with “Butthead Fever”, because he starts saying mean, nasty things to the group that he hasn’t seen in days and days. He calls Nynaeve a pretty young woman who isn’t supposed to think of herself as a pretty young woman, but she does anyway. He also calls Egwene a pretty young woman who shares other, more nefarious similarities with Nynaeve. When Moiraine enters the room, he hisses like Catwoman repeatedly. Mat tries to stab her with the ruby-studded dagger that he stole from Shadar Logoth, but Lan stops him in time. Quick as a ninja, that one.

This is the part where Rand finally admits that Mat had stolen the thing, which went explicitly against Moiraine’s very specific instructions to “not fuck up”. That dagger acts like a magnet to Fades, Darkfriends, and Kanye West. No wonder they’ve been chased around for weeks! They probably just brought another Trolloc war to Caemlyn. Total jerk move, guys.

Mat is not far-gone just yet! Hopefully! Moiraine tells everyone to leave her with Mat so that she can work on exorcising his demons. That probably just entails slapping him around for a bit, which is what I would do anyway.


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Sucky Funnies for February 5, 2023

I ate two bowls of Golden Grahams this morning, and it was the highlight of my day. On the list of things I did this morning, reading the Sunday funnies was about 480th on my list of things that made me feel productive.

I also drew a circle on the wall and pressed my nose up against it for 20 minutes. That was 15th on my list.

Rex Morgan, M.D.

Rex Morgan, M.D. - February 5, 2023

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REX MORGAN BRINGING THE FUNNY. Good god, man, this makes Family Circus look like… uh… Def Comedy Jam? Fantastic analogy.

Let’s jump to Sarah’s room. I’m going to flesh this part of the story out a little bit! Rex is reading Sarah the Bible. After one of those stories about God killing a whole town full of innocent people, Sarah begs for more deity carnage. Rex wants to get loaded, so he’s trying to wrap this up as quickly as possible. Tomorrow, Sarah’s going to read more from Rex’s Kama Sutra collection. Rex agrees to let Sarah draw penises in her diary for another 20 minutes before bed. Tomorrow is Saturday, but Rex is making her go to school anyway.

Meanwhile, the quotation marks around “twins” implies marriage infidelity.

Hey, this comic strip was funny after all!

Mallard Fillmore

Mallard Fillmore - February 5, 2023

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Holy goddamn crap, this Mallard Fillmore punchline is teetering precariously over humorous territory. Has the world turned itself ass over elbows??

America is FULL of one-star prisons. Up your game, prison system. I suggest electric chairs that shoot out chocolate syrup instead of 2,500 volts, and prison gangs that revolve more around knitting than around shivving inmates of different races between the ribs.

Blondie

Blondie - February 5, 2023

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Why does Dagwood continue to work at a company where his boss performs the Argentine backbreaker rack whenever he fucks up his spreadsheets? He could be synergizing with friendly, young professionals. He could be playing in the ball pit at the Google offices. He could be turning tricks in the alley behind Arby’s.

Or just quit working altogether! Let Blondie have her chance mashing her nose against the grindstone. Then Dagwood can spend more time reconsidering their awful furniture arrangement situation.


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