Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #12 – “Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, the sudden appearance of Tomar-Tu has opened the possibility that other people Hal Jordan killed on the way to release the Parallax might still be out there in the forbidden Sector 3601 at the edge of the universe. Against the Guardians’ direct orders, Jordan and Guy Gardner make haste to Sector 3601 where they discover a planet inhabited by manhunters.

And yes, Jordan discovers the others in stasis on the planet. BUT, while fighting off manhunters and androids, a huge Robot Superman shows up who apparently helped destroy Coast City! Amazing stuff! I still don’t know what’s going on, but that’s the case for a lot of aspects of my life. Let’s just move on, shall we?

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue 12 [July, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 3)”

On Oa, in the crypts of the Green Lantern Corps (which is apparently just a burst of psychedelic light designed to melt your retinas), Kilowog and Salaak enlist the help of some little flying imp creatures. One of them says that Tomar-Tu’s crypt was empty, which is not new information to anyone at all anywhere ever. However, if the rumors are true, that means all the other crypts are empty too and everyone that Jordan “killed” on his way to freeing Parallax is still alive somewhere. No one bothered to check earlier?

Salaak doesn’t like Jordan much, as we know. Says the guy is OUT OF CONTROL. The Guardians denied his request to fly over to the manhunter homeworld and he did it anyway! His ring just went off-map in Sector 3600! His and Guy Gardners! These two deserve the spanking of a lifetime. Dishonorable discharges all around is on the menu today!

“Only if the Guardians notice,” says Kilowog.

“Kilowog. It’s my job to make sure they notice,” says Salaak. Looks like Jordan and Gardner are going to be in deep doo-doo soon. Hopefully they don’t actually like spankings…

OK, so what’s going on with Metal Superman? Well, Hal Jordan tells the story of former pilot Hank Henshaw. He and his wife spent years trying to fly to the stars. Once they actually escaped Earth’s atmosphere, and everyone died of radiation exposure. “But somehow Henshaw’s consciousness survived within the computers his body had melted in front of. He needed someone to hate for what had happened. He chose Superman.”

Dumb.

So Henshaw fused his mind with Kryptonian tech and nuked Coast City, all leading to Hal Jordan becoming Parallax. “I tried to execute Henshaw for murdering seven million people. I failed.”

Good job, Hal “Can’t Get Shit Done” Jordan. Now he’s confronting Mecha-Superman again, and Henshaw hates life so much that he’s willing to kill more for funsies.

Some jerk who’s cheating by having four rings?

Jordan/Gardner and Cyborg-Superman duke it out, but Jordan is a squeamish wuss and his muscles had been severed by Henshaw at some point. No idea how or why. I’m just going along with it here. “NO MAN ESCAPES THE MANHUNTERS,” says a rogue manhunter, crashing the party already in progress.

Meanwhile, Super-Superman grabs Jordan by the back of the hair and calls him the newest experiment in their evolution. You see, “organics” don’t have programming that prevent them from doing the wrong thing. “I intend to correct that without willhunters,” says Metallica-Superman. Good Will Hunters, as they say.

Omega-Superman sticks little tubes in Jordan’s head and sends in the nanites that look like Metroids with the intention of controlling the guy’s brain. “NO MAN ESCAPES! ..the manhunters,” says Jordan, wide-eyed. Looks like it worked!

Elsewhere, a man sits at his nice desk thumbing through papers showing faces of the Global Guardians! He watches the news on his wall o’ TVs, which shows Crimson Fox accepting her new role in the Global Guardians and explaining her reasons, including “Green Lantern is a rogue shithead” and “I got a free air-fryer.” The man at his desk – who has a devilish eyepatch, by the way – calls Oliver Queen. Green Arrow! Ugh, I’m tired of that guy and his shitty facial hair.

Yeah, sure, “an honor”. Like a fork in the neck.

Meanwhile, six hundred feet below the Thames River in London, a bunch of alien misfits are enjoying hanging out in their alien misfit mall and food court. One named Flicker is begging for a hitman job where he can hand Hal Jordan’s head over on a silver platter. He is told that the client is willing to pay 10 times what he’s worth, so can it. Plus, a hunter has already accepted the contract. A hunter from Zuun. A Zuun hunter. You feel me?

Flicker thinks Zuun is full of motherfuckers, but he says this at precisely the wrong time. The hunter from Zuun shows up all “rraawwggg”. His name is Hunger Dog and he’s hungry for dogs. Flicker thinks he can take down this mope and still get the job, but he is profusely mistaken. Hunger Dog throws him right through the table.

The hunt begins!

While nanites are eating his brain, Hal Jordan sees little flashes of his life. Becoming a pilot. Joining the Air Force. Snubbing Carol Ferris. Some lady named Arisa who was killed while he was Parallax’n. Too many memories. The nanites! Reprogramming… the… *choke*… brain!

“I forgive you for trying to destroy me,” says Uber-Superman. “If you hadn’t attempted to murder me at the edge of the universe, I never would have made contact with the manhunters.”

Nanites – willhunters – flow through Jordan’s veins. They’re trying to alter Jordan’s thoughts! Makin’ him like boys instead of girls, for one thing. Not that it matters, but Carol Ferris will surely be in for a surprise! But no… Jordan perseveres… he overcomes… he slowly balls his hand into a fist… and he punches Wacko-Superman in the face. You know all those guys and gals that Jordan thought he killed, hanging in stasis? He snips the feeding tube of one of them, waking him up. “He opens his eyes for the first time in years to see a fleet of manhunters,” Jordan thinks. “Ke’Haan is awake. He was Kilowog’s second-in-command. He trained rookies too, but without the jokes.”

You’ve angered John Goodman for the last time!

In short, Ke’Haan raised up some of the best Lanterns that money could buy! And now he’s totally fucking up a steaming pile of manhunters. And more nanite-lines get severed, freeing the other Lanterns from their stasis prison! Laira! Chance! Honnu! Graf Toren! General Kreon! Boodikka! Bryant Gumbel! They’re all here, the most ass-kickin’est Lanterns you ever did done see. And instead of being downright pissed off at Hal Jordan for “murdering” them, they snap out of it as if time has never stopped. “For all they know…” Jordan thinks. “our fight’s just begun.”

While the team makes short work of the manhunters, Metallo-Superman activates the highmasters. Now we’re cooking with gas!

Oh wait, they’re pissed at Hal Jordan after all. They call him a traitor, knock him across the room, spit on him, poop on his face, and tear a hole in his favorite shirt. “You’re a disgrace, Jordan!” cries one of them. They beat him up, and he takes his licks. Finally, Graf Toren notices that Jordan isn’t fighting back at all. But why?

Jordan has also realized he isn’t fighting back. He looks quite sad, like some killed his dog in front of him with a heavy sack of dog bones. He knows he betrayed the lot of them. “I left you for dead, floating in space. The manhunters took you. They brought you here. I came to bring you home.”

When Jordan tells them all they’ve been trapped for years, they go “YEARS?!? BLBUBUHUBUHULBHB!!” and ask themselves why they should trust someone as sad-sacky as Hal Jordan? Well, the answer is quite simple! Don’t trust him! But wait! Guy Gardner’s around here somewhere, maybe you can all trust him! Wait, where’d he go? Arrgh.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, Jordan sees someone he didn’t expect: Arisa, hanging on a wall trapped by goop. Another Lantern recognizes Lashorr from Sector 3453, who disappeared years back. Relok Hag, who was presumed dead. OK, new plan. Forget Hal Jordan, that guy will guilt himself into pain and suffering. Now we save these jamokes.

But, as you recall, Mega-Superman has called in the highmasters. And they’re fucking huge. And they’re going to kill everyone and everything in their path. EVEN YOU.

Final Thoughts

I want to see these highmasters squash these lanterns like the fucking bugs they are. Just these little gnats who think they own the galaxy. Little termites and cockroaches. Eradicate ASAP and thanks.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #11 – “Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan gets chastised by the U.N. for breaking the international Freedom of Power Treaty by infiltrating Russian airspace in order to stop Igneous Man. What nerve! Then later, while receiving a medal of honor for being a prisoner of war after he and two others crashed their planes, a jet plows through the proceedings containing a Green Lantern named Tomar Tu of Sector 2813 that Jordan already killed.

Meanwhile, I’m not confused at all!

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue 11 [June, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 2)”

On Oa, Tomar-Tu (whose name is suddenly hyphenated out of nowhere) gets examined by the sexy Korugaran Dr. Soranik Natu. Hal Jordan and Salaak are confused about Tomar-Tu’s status of not being dead. He apparently got a new ring while being held captive by manhunters on an uncharted planet. “From there, with his ring depleted, Tomar-Tu managed to escape and fly a ship halfway across the universe to Earth,” says Salaak third-person-omnisciently. “I suppose he was seeking your assistance,” he then says to Jordan.

Tomar-Tu mutters sweet nothings in his sleep about killing Hal Jordan. Tomar-Tu has a silly bird face. Hal Jordan is suddenly skeptical about the assistance thing.

Later, Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner wait in line at the Green Lantern Cafeteria looking forward to their slop. Can’t they construct a Lean Cuisine out of nowhere? Gardner happily tells Jordan that Tomar-Tu is going to live. Jordan grumbles.

Somewhere along the line, Hal Jordan fucked up the Corps and Tomar-Tu had to rebuild it. I don’t know when or why this happened, so bear with me. Jordan feels guilty, and he feels extra guilty because Gardner has forgiven him easily for it.

We see a shot of Jordan shooting Tomar-Tu with his ring. Why? He wanted to blast his way to Oa and steal a bunch of power rings, not caring who he was leaving for dead in his wake. Then he freed the central power battery and – ah yes, ok, there was a yellow impurity in it. This is the whole Parallax thing. I get it now. Thanks, exposition dialogue!

“I spent years under his influence. I nearly tore apart the universe. Until I discovered the truth about Parallax. And, with some help, I finally broke free.”

Guy Gardner tells his daydreaming bud to snap out of it. It’s all history now. Move forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling toward freedom.

Jordan is worried that, if Tomar-Tu is alive, others are too. He needs to set things right.

Of course, that’ll take a while…

Looking good, Hulk Hogan, sir!

Jordan gets accosted by a beefy red hunk of man, and he doesn’t want any trouble. The beefy red hunk of man wants nothing but trouble, and there’s a lot of blood on Jordan’s hands. “One of the officers you left to die was my predecessor,” he says. “Ke’haan. Sector 786.”

La di da. Better him than you.

This slab of beef made a promise to Ke’haan’s family: kill the idiot responsible! Hey, that’s you Hal Jordan! Say your prayers, fool.

Before he gets wrecked, Gardner uppercuts this red bitch and starts a fracas in the cafeteria. That is, until Kilowog steps in and puts a stop to it. “What the HELL is THIS?” he screams, high-pitched probably. “I train you to waste your ring slingin’ on EACH OTHER?” Seventy demerits for everyone involved. Don’t forget to cash in your demerits at the prize booth.

Salaak, who has also shown up to crash the party, informs Jordan that the Guardians want to talk to him about “making things right”. In front of the Floating Blue Guy Council, Jordan makes his argument. He wants to organize a strike force to find others he supposedly “killed”.

The Guardians are skeptical. There is no proof that these sumbitches are still alive. All Jordan has is his gut feeling, the Guardians don’t even have guts themselves to empathize. And anyway, Tomar-Tu was held outside of the Lanterns’ jurisdiction, so Jordan has no right to conduct business over there. *sticks out tongue*

In fact, it’s Sector 3601, outside of the known universe, where no life can exist. Just manhunters as far as the eye can see. “It is why they retreated there,” says Blue Guy #45. “And if we do not disturb them, they will stay there.”

Jordan tries to use his guilt in order to guilt the Guardians, ironically, but they tell him to shut the fuck up. His request to look into things is duly denied. “You are much too personally invested in this mission,” he is told. “We will organize our own strike force as soon as time permits.” Which is never. Ha!

“Tomar-Tu escaped for a reason,” argues Jordan. Yeah, to exact revenge on you, as had been revealed earlier. Go back to your Sector, you impudent little brat.

It went well! Thanks for asking!

Hal Jordan tells Gardner, essentially, that the Guardians said “GO FOR IT!” Time to break some Lantern laws, Ace. Put on your law-breakin’ face.

Let’s go to Paris for some reason. Twins who call themselves Double Dare are stealing from the Louvre, and they’re being stopped by a hero who calls herself Crimson Fox. Then a guy shows up named Freedom Beast, South Africa’s representative in the Global Guardians, to help finish the job. A woman with fiery green hair named Jet shows up purporting to be the leader of the Global Guardians, and she invites Crimson Fox to join up. “France’s newest hero will be a welcome addition to our team,” she says.

Crimson Fox tells Jet to zip the lip. “I’ve seen your press conferences,” she says. “You’re constantly threatening the Green Lantern for doing his job.” So no, she will not join your smelly club.

Jet gets mean-faced and tells Crimson Fox that, no, sorry lady, but you have to join. It’s the way it has to be. In fact, you’re already in the system. Here’s your ID badge.

Now, it takes ten hours in hibernation mode during hyperspace for Jordan and Gardner to reach Sector 3601. Or at least the edge of 3600. They use Ring GPS to track Tomar-Tu’s path out of Sector 3601 and follow it backwards into the starless void until they come across a planet that looks like the Death Star. Biot, the manhunters’ homeworld.

“Looks like a factory,” says Gardner. Yeah, a dildo factory.

They dive into an area that looks like a steel mill. “How many manhunters do you think they got around here,” Gardner grimaces as he watches these robot-types work on the assembly lines. They catch wind of a couple of conspicuous Green Lanterns and start fighting. “I’d say lots,” replies Jordan.

That damn manhunter just took a shit in my hand!

Manhunters come out the wazoo as our fearless Green Lanterns fight them off. After tearing up a batch of robot jerks, Jordan notices that the liquid spilling out of them isn’t oil. “Guy, STOP!” he says, looking at the glistening red liquid on his hand. “They’re bleeding.”

Androids. Bloody, bleedin’ androids. They have the capability to drain ring battery power into their heads, so Jordan’s and Gardner’s ring power starts falling fast. 35.4%. 24.3%. So they fly the fuck away as fast as they can down the pipelines of the factory.

On their way, they pass by a group of hostages of different alien races who look like they’re suspended in some sort of stasis, hooked up to tubes. “What the hell did they do to them?” Gardner asks. Jordan recognizes Laira of Sector 112. She was the first to try to stop him on the way to Oa. Then there’s Kreon of Sector 2002. Gary Busey of Sector 420. They’re all here.

Quick as a wink, Jordan gets blasted with green light, rendering him incapacitated. “Life is an endless cycle of betrayal, murder, and pain,” says the assailant. “I ended that hideous thing called LIFE for so many when I destroyed coast city. You tried to kill me for it. But I forgive you, Hal Jordan.

Who’s talking? Some Superman-looking robot guy.

Just how many Supermen are there? What am I gonna do with all these Supermen?

Final Thoughts

OK, well, you know what I always say: take enough left turns and you’ll back where you started.

I mean, I guess I don’t always say that. But somebody does.

Anyway, this is wack. See you next time.