Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Thunder”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Red Shadow storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Thunder”! In the previous installment, Red Skull takes his big Charles Xavier brain and hypnotizes Manhattan into turning against mutants, like, immediately. Like, right where he was standing. A massacre of mutants at the hands of humans.

The Avengers tried to show up to stop it, but they fucked it all up completely, as they do. In short, Wolverine suffered a killing blow to the head by an addled Thor, and by “killing blow” I mean “even Wolverine shouldn’t fucking survive it”, but he will.

Destruction in his wake, Red Skull is like “ha ha ha.”

And continue on we do.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [April, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender
“Thunder”

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

“Minutes ago, the Summers family was returning home from a vacation in Anchorage, Alaska. Now Christopher Summers fights back tears as he straps his eldest son Scott into the only intact parachute. It doesn’t go unnoticed by younger brother Alex.”

First of all, Anchorage? Really? That was your vacation? You deserve to die in a fiery plane crash then, Summers Family. Second of all, fuck Scott Summers. If I were his father I would’ve been like “so long, son!” and leapt out of the plane with the only parachute. Alex is just collateral damage.

Scott is like, 10, and he’s able to jump out of plane, hold onto Alex for dear life, and deploy his parachute without multiple casualties. Two seconds after he jumps out of the plane, it explodes in 7 trillion bits of fiery shrapnel.

Havok, in the present day, lies down on the concrete looking half-dead. He has a concussion from all the buttfucking he’s been receiving at the hands of Red Skull and his various manipulations. His eyes refocus to a scene of Scarlet Witch fighting Thor in a torrent of purple energy.

“Damn you, Thor! We’re running out of time,” Scarlet Witch says. “Every passing moment more innocents are harmed!”

“WE WILL CLEANSE THE WORLD OF YOUR PUSTULOUS LEGION!” Thor responds. The Witchy Woman warns Thor to knock it off before she sends a hex down his throat that will shred up his internal organs from his esophagus to his tender testicles. Thor doesn’t let up. He blasts her with HAMMER ENERGY! Lightning! Lightning which can be instantly transmogrified by Scarlet Witch, ha ha ha! “I WITHSTAND YOUR WORST!” she cries.

Thor threatens Scarlet Witch with a blow to the head. Scarlet Witch responds by throwing a fucking truck at his face.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Hey, this isn’t the way to San Antonio!

Thor gets up like a few drops a rain plopped on his head. He’s about ready to smash her face into a kumquat when Havok rises to the occasion! He KKAAZAKTs Thor with a mighty stream of whatever the hell Havok does. It looks like the kind of sound waves that Aquaman uses to talk to dolphins. That’s something he does, right? I’m not going to read any Aquaman comics anytime soon, so let me just pretend I know what I’m talking about and we can move on.

Red Skull’s Nazi sidekicks yell to the crowd about the dangers of mutants and how regular folk aren’t safe in their own homes. Captain America bonks him in the head with his shield, and now turns to Red Skull himself.

“WELCOME TO THE REICH ETERNAL, HERR ROGERS!” greets Red Skull. “Rejoice, broken spirit! I bring you a better world. A global Reich built on art and intellectual pursuit. Orderly, safe and clean.” He stands in front of a couple of unstylish Nazi flags. He continues saying some rather alarming things about America, like how the melting pot has failed miserably, and how white people are the best race this side of the Mississippi. You know, the kind of stuff that Congress projects openly on a daily basis lately. Captain America refuses to fall into the spell.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

This is why you will always be a hopeless idiot in my eyes, Cap.

Suddenly, Captain America thumps face first on the cement hilariously. Red Skull has corrupted his cerebellum and now he can’t even do his two favorite pastimes: standing and drooling. He mocks Cap’s naivety about America’s “bright future” without him. Well, you’re in luck, pal! Not only will Red Skull brighten the future of the country, but Cap himself is going to be the figurehead of the movement! Doesn’t that sound lovely, son? When people see you smacking mutants around with your shield, the common man will start smacking mutants around with his shield! It will be glorious!

And this guy keeps talking. Keeps on fucking talking. Stripping mutants of their rights (voting, marriage; rights reserved for humans only). Then they will be killed by either gas chambers or by flinging poisoned hot dogs into their mouths, whichever is more cost-effective.

Havok and Scarlet Witch are continuing to fight Thor unsuccessfully. The guy just won’t die! Scarlet Witch brings out the big guns: slowing down time to a crawl and focusing upon a well of chaos energy within her. “She spasms – Tapping directly into the source of her power, she is transformed into a living conduit of pure disorder. An overindulgence so dangerous it could easily unhinge her mind. It is her only hope. She knows there is no defeating Thor in direct conflict… there is only removing him from battle.”

From my point of view, it looks like she opens a portal to another dimension and blasts him through it. I sure hope so, that Thor guy is boring and is really stinking up the place.

Red Skull continues to groom Captain America into a life of far-right tomfooleries. He talks a lot, almost as if this issue needed to be padded out because Rick Remender only wrote 40 words in the first draft.

“But in reality, this is, and will remain, your America. An uneducated population fixated on competition, material wealth, and voyeurism. Violent monsters doused in antibiotics to offset their diet of sugary sweet drinks and mounds of carcinogenic cow flesh. THIS IS WHAT YOU FIGHT FOR! Together we will clean this nation! Transform it to one more befitting both of our high ideals.”

Cap slobbers all over his costume and hazily goes “No… I’ll never…”

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

I’ll do whatever you say! Just stop pointing that thing at me!

This is the part where Rogue shows up to fuck some shit up again. She was able to suddenly turn off Red Skull’s Xavier-brained telepathy powers and motions to “crush his skull with her bare hands”. Then Red Skull, always with the gambit, pulls out a gun. “Stupid girl. I, of course, have other weapons.”

He shoots Rogue through the chest with some sort of red hot laser blast. Havok is too late in pushing Red Skull out of the way with his sonar rings, or whatever. I’m still unsure what Havok actually does besides jerk off. Maybe I’ll never know.

The narration calls Rogue’s injury “non-fatal” which is ridiculous considering there’s a three-inch hole in her chest now. Havok starts punching the snot out of Red Skull. “You’re like a closeted jock who beats on gay kids!” he says, which is only ¼ true. “You don’t hate mutants, you are terrified because you want to be just like us!”

Scott should have dropped Alex after jumping out of the plane.

When Rogue was shot, Red Skull gained back his brainy brain powers. Now Havok is punching the daylights out of her instead of his intended target! Then Cap hits Red Skull with his shield really hard, man. Cap is about to finish him when the waterly lady… *checks notes* …Dancing Water reaches out of a waterly portal on the ground and pulls Red Skull through it. Cap beats the ground with his fist. “No! NO!”

Red Skull’s spell is broken on everyone present. The citizens of New York are now like “what hath we wrought” and Thor looks sheepish to say the most. They all observe the carnage; the literally blood on their hands. They all look at each other like “well, shit.”

Thor picks up a badly-beaten Wolverine. Not dead, but sort of dead. The civilians look very unhappy, and Havok reminds these people that they were under Red Skull’s spell. This is no one’s fault but his! And maybe a little bit of Thor’s as well. That bitch is supposed to be a god.

“None of this is your fault… but what happens next is!”

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #4

…then wallow in pitiful sadness in your homes while watching Dancing with the Stars and eating Cheetos. See if I care.

Havok and Captain America return to Avengers HQ where they correctly report that the bad guys have escaped. Havok tells Cap that, whew, being in charge is tough. Why don’t you do it instead please? Cap tells him absolutely fucking not. Havok is like “just kidding” and tells him that he’ll try not to let him down.

Scarlet Witch visits Rogue in the hospital. She doesn’t want her there, but she’s there anyway. She wants to tell Rogue that she doesn’t have to worry about her putting on the hurty hurty. Even with Red Skull’s influence, she wasn’t moved to destroy her people. So lighten up! Have a cookie! It’s all gonna be all right!

She asks Rogue to be friends. Rogue declines. “I don’t care what you say – I still think you’re a dangerous mess.”

Thor and Wolverine are having a cozy evening in, presumably, Wolverine’s studio apartment. Thor throws him a newspaper with a front page headline “XAVIER GONE, DREAM STILL ALIVE – Mutants and humans work together; stop Red Skull from murder spree.”

“You did not fail him,” Thor says, putting his hand on Wolverine’s shoulder. “He knew you would get it right. Knew you would double the fight without him. Only this time… you will not be fighting alone.”

THREE MONTHS FROM NOW, something I don’t understand at all happens! Havok, Scarlet Witch, and a flame dude who I think might be Sunfire but also who the fuck cares, traverse the mean streets and descend a manhole. They’re running away from something. They find a skeleton wearing kingly armor hunched against the tunnel. “Immortus must have arrived centuries ago, before the Apocalypse Twins locked the era as prime. He left a message. Cable was right – that was it. The moment the anomaly began. The moment the seven became one.”

“Yes, indeed a historic time… the day Onslaught began.”

We see Red Skull in some sort of Transformers suit. Standing in front of him is a man in a suit with glowing green eyes.

Did you understand all that? Me neither.

Final Thoughts

They always fucking do this. The penultimate issue in a storyline always half-wraps things up and then introduces some crazy fucking unrelated nonsense! I will not stand for it!

…I’ll just sit for it. It’s more comfortable that way.


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July 21, 2015 – Les Schwab Amphitheater, Bend, OR

Note: I do not have any download links to any shows. Don’t be a dingus. Refer to the Phish Spreadsheet for that.

July 21, 2015 – Les Schwab Amphitheater, Bend, OR

Set One

Sample in a Jar — 7:06
I always get the name of this song confused with Frank Zappa’s “Sleeping in a Jar”, and for a good reason: they have very similar names! The only difference is that “Sleeping in a Jar” is about your parents sleeping in a jar (the jar is under the bed), and “Sample in a Jar” is about cum. Probably.

Good way to start the show though! Let’s get people sleepy! Great idea, guys.

Sand — 9:59
Ah yes, the Trey Anastasio Band staple sees light on the first show of the 2015 summer tour! Its foundation lies on its slow disco vamp while Trey, I don’t know, sings about sand or some shit.

Clearly I’ve done my research on “Sand”.

555 — 6:24
The funk-laden Mike Gordon vehicle is named as such because it’s the number of women that Mike Gordon fucked on Halloween, 2013, when the song debuted! Of course, the number has grown exponentially larger for every Halloween that has passed since because, and let me tell you, Mike Gordon fucks.

Rift — 6:50
“Rift” is like “Scent of a Mule” in that they have a similar bluegrass sensibility that’s not entirely my bag, so it’s a bit of a guilty pleasure to hear those bending vocals and that ratatatat drum cadence. I feel like once you’ve heard one “Rift”, you’ve heard them all, so look forward to me saying this identical paragraph every single time I listen to the song!

Halfway to the Moon — 7:39
Page is singing a lot already so far! “Sample in a Jar”, part of “Rift”, and now “Halfway to the Moon”? Who let this guy on the microphone for serious? Jesus Hieronymus Bosch, dude. Get that guy back on the piano!

This song always has a pleasant, non-offensive, minor-key mood piece of a jam that is more CEREBRAL than FOR THE SOUL. It makes me want to travel to the moon until I get about halfway, then I turn back. It’s scary going all the way to the moon. That Buzz Aldrin had some cahones.

Horn — 3:45
For a long time I thought “Horn” was about a trumpet or something, not a car horn. This is my “Horn” Story of the Day™.

Devotion to a Dream — 8:44
I like this song. I was off of Phish for a few years before their Fuego album dropped in 2014 (which was fine all the same, those first few years of Phish 3.0 were rough anyway.) For some reason — maybe it was just the right time of my life — Fuego really blew my mind. Most the songs were just so… happy. And I liked it at the time.

“Devotion to a Dream” is my favorite song off of Fuego, and it’s this reason, of course, that the song has only been played 20 times and not once since 2016. Fuck my luck. Nobody likes this song but me! I get it. No, I get it. Fine. I’ll just enjoy it on my own, then.

Blaze On — 8:46
The debut! This song is about smoking blunts, which is rude, but at least it’s not like how Trey writes lyrics lately like “THE EARTH IS BEAUTIFUL, FOLLOW YOUR SOUL AND YOUR DREAMS AND FOLLOW THE TEACHINGS OF JESUS, LIFE IS WONDERFUL AND LOVE EVERY MINUTE, LET’S DANCE IN THE MEADOWS AND KISS IN THE MOONLIGHT.”

Instant crowd pleaser, though, “Blaze On” is! The audience sure likes their recreation hoodoo drugs!

Tube — 4:03
Fish wrote the lyrics to “Tube”, which means you get great gems like “There’s a mummy in the cabinet” and “Ten cents to a dollar now for a shelf of pregnant hens” and “Robert Palmer is a plorb.” Blaze on before listening to “Tube”, friends. That’s for sure.

Wolfman’s Brother — 9:33
I just looked up Wolfman Jack, and did you know he was the youngest of two children? No foolin’! Although it’s impossible to learn through a very cursory, low effort internet search whether or not his older sibling was indeed a brother, one thing is for certain: Wolfman’s brother went down on Trey. Now that’s love.

Anyway, the Wolfman jam is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SPECIAL! Type I jamming with no special out-there shit happening from anybody! Boo! End Set One!

Set Two

Ghost — 12:58
Get down with your funky ghost. Always fun, but this version never really goes anywhere. SURE, Page’s piano playing is top-notch. SURE, Mike’s bass playing is top-notch. SURE, Trey is a guy in the band. What of it? There’s no SOUL in this! A by-the-book “Ghost”! Boo! Heh heh.

Birds of a Feather — 6:24
The ripcord is pulled right into the most middling “Birds of a Feather” I’ve ever heard in my dang life, holy shit dude. Nuts to this!

Mike’s Song — 8:15
Yo, I heard that Mike has a song! It’s cool, he sings in it and then when the jam starts you can barely even hear his bass! But that’s ok, because this band is all about Trey, and Trey does a good job winding his way through Mike’s song called “Mike’s Song”. No one else gets a song! Maybe Mike whined loud enough until he got a song. He seems like the type.

The Wedge — 7:56
Weird placement for this. This is a Set One song through and through and it DEFINITELY doesn’t belong after “Mike’s Song”. This is the kind of fucked up bullshit that makes the first few shows of the legendary 2015 tour a steaming load of someone else’s turds.

I like “The Wedge” though! Good song, I’m happy they played it, but man was this sloppy. Stupid early 2015 jitters, I suppose.

Fuego — 11:08
After a couple of monster versions in 2014, I was hoping “Fuego” would be the sprawling jam vehicle that it seemed destined to become. But, alas, each “Fuego” seems to run through the motions. So, I guess a good “Fuego” comes down to its tightness, and this is as tight as yo mama’s pussy. In that it’s not tight, son. Sorry that I got you excited about yo mama’s pussy there for a hot minute.

Shade — 6:38
The antithesis of “Light” is “Shade”, at least in the Phish song catalogue. As in, Trey only likes the shade when you’re blocking the light. At any rate, this song is a complete snooze and you can tell the crowd got up to use the disease-ridden port-o-johns during this botched abortion of a song. There’s no room for extended jamming, there’s no room for anything tasteful. “Shade” blows.

Of course, it’s still in the rotation. How’s that for karma? I did something rancid in a past life.

No Men in No Man’s Land — 10:08
The last debut of the evening will become a comfortable mainstay for years to come. And for a good reason! It’s white-boy funky with some nonsense Trey lyrics about a no man’s land and how there are no men in it.

There is also about six minutes and thirty seconds of funky “Ghost”-like jamming, so it’s weird to have “Ghost” earlier in the same set. But I can dig it.

Weekapaug Groove — 7:40
This is kind of a fake-out “Weekapaug Groove” at first, so much so that Mike accidentally tries to continue the “No Men in No Man’s Land” chorus when the rest of the band has clearly moved on. Once it becomes recognizable, then the band is all in! And thank God for that, because a Phish that’s not all in is a friend indeed! That’s how that saying goes!

A real low energy bullshit Weekapaug Groove is what this is. I waited through four cuts after “Mike’s Song” for this? Suck my entire dick.

Boogie On Reggae Woman — 6:10
What? You think I have something to say about a middle-of-the-road “Boogie” when there is only one song and then an encore left? You’ve got another think coming, missy!

Chalk Dust Torture — 7:47
What’s with all these sort-of-but-not-really-energetic numbers here closing on the show? What happened to the days of yore when Trey wasn’t 94 years old and he was able to keep up with the tempo. Now he’s all like “blraabra hhrahbalbab” about it. I’m bored and I’m getting a sandwich.

Encore

Theme from the Bottom — 9:16
Hey, that sandwich was pretty damn good! See you next time!


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 39: “Threads in the Pattern”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

After Nynaeve’s Healing goes off without a hitch, Aviendha says she owes her a Coke. Better than a Coke, Nynaeve asks for a ship in Jurene. That is, uh, is there one? And yes, as of yesterday! So hop to it!

The Aielwomen are on their way to Tear to seek “He Who Comes with the Dawn” (Rand, duh) because he will get them out of the Aiel Waste once and for all. It’s in the prophecies, you see. Also, he’s a sexy piece of ass and they’re looking to get their lady-dicks wet! I’m half joking.

The go their separate ways, the Aiels and the Aes Sedaiseses. Egwene starts to wonder if Rand’s mother was a Maiden of the Spear. It makes sense, right? Maidens and the spears and the like. The ladies don’t get very far before they’re ambushed by rock-in-sling-wielding psychopaths. Egwene gets knocked out and wakes up tied to a horse. She gets very worried, having been a damane in a past life and is not too keen on being a prisoner to anyone anymore again. She has too much of a headache to channel, so she’s stuck bound to this horse like a real sad-sack. A man notices that she’s awake and she gets hit in the head again! Such is life.

Egwene wakes up in a makeshift cell, sorta, with Nynaeve and Elayne. Outside the “cell” a man named Adden and his merry band of outlaws muses over selling Aes Sedai “to the right buyer”. After confirming that the girls have been doped up enough to not wake for several hours, days, maybe even years, the men go about their business. Egwene, not doped up enough, jostles Nynaeve awake. They notice Elayne’s skull looks fractured, and Nynaeve starts crying that the men stole her herbs. She gets super angry about this, grabs Elayne and cures her. Hooray.

Now that everyone is cool and good, the three lasses channel their saidar energies and brace themselves. Peeking through the cracks in their cell, they notice three Fades with the men. They are the right buyers, all right! Time to procure some lovely Aes Sedai! Adden will be rewarded with Fade blowjobs and, if he’s lucky, a nice steak afterwards.

Egwene attempts to pick the lock with saidar, which catches the Fades’ attention. When the locks falls to the floor, the door leading outside crashes open with a horde of Aiel. Fighting ensues, Adden and his men are killed and/or wounded, and the Fades are surrounded by five Aielmen. The three women break through their own door and channel the SHIT out of saidar, killing the Fades with fire and whatnot. Nynaeve hits them with some incredible energy and they completely vanish into thin air. Egwene thinks it was balefire. Bye bye Myrddraal.

The Aiel (including Aviendha, as it turns out) and the Aes Sedai exchange friendly pleasantries and they all spend the night together in the camp. The next morning, the Aes Sedai take a few horses and ride toward Jurene while the Aiel follow (and keep up) on foot. They make it to Jurene, the two factions part ways, and the women secure a ship to Tear. Enjoy the trip, ladies, it will make you TEAR up! Ha!

This chapter was super fucking long and I did my very best to summarize. It didn’t work very well, this shit is nearly 600 words! That’s more words than you’ve written in a lifetime!


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Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

* Part 4 of 6 of the Batman and the Monster Men limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4 – “Batman and the Monster Men (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Bruce continues to be a flake in his “relationship” with Julie. As Batman, he discovers that a Maroni poker game massacre may lead to Professor Hugo Strange as a person of interest and pays a visit to his super-secret warehouse lab. He gets thrown into a cell with three giant genetically-engineering monster men! How’s he going to get out of this doozy of a pickle, you ask? Do the words “foxishly cunning” mean anything to you?

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4 [April, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Batman and the Monster Men (Part 4)”

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

Batman is bleeding profusely in the face, but he fears not. For you see, the three giant monster men? Small potatoes! He can beat these guys up even after cutting off all of his limbs with a rusty chainsaw! Take that! Who’s the victim now?

“The creatures are surprisingly swift for their size,” Batman thinks as he throws many batarangs. One goes right in a fucker’s eye, jesus. Ouch to the max, sir. “But like any giant, their joints most likely suffer from excess stress.”

Batman kicks knees and wraps rope around legs and, generally, is a huge nuisance. “Remarkable,” says Strange, watching the footage from the comfort of his… bar. “His every action… as sleek and swift as an Olympic athlete.”

Strange keeps blowjobbin’ Batman while the monster men try to make short work of the poor sap. They fail. Strange gets more and more worked up and aroused. “He is… magnificent!”

One monster man lifts Batman by the cape, nearly choking him to death. To death! TO DEATH!! But then the cape tears off in the beast’s hands. Another rips off his utility belt. The third one pantses him and nibbles his penis delicately. “Distracted by each other and their handfuls of trinkets… the creatures relax their grip just enough. Lucky my hip wasn’t dislocated. Lucky my kneecap didn’t shatter.” Uh huh, this is all very exciting, isn’t it? Batman’s gonna die and none of us care! Let’s get back to our Super Smash Bros. Melee game. It’s been on pause for six hours now!

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

Looks like the cover of Big Black’s Songs About Fucking to me.

While Batman is getting his ass handed to him, Norman Madison takes a swig of very strong scotch. He’s so damn drunk that he slurs his words to his lovely daughter. Like “isssshhh that yeerrr BOOOOBS? YERRR GOIANG OUT DRESHED LIEK THAHT!?!” Julie is having a girl’s night out since Bruce is a dick and won’t even return her calls. “Don’t wait up for me, okay?” she says, kissing her lush of a dad on the cheek. Julie wonders why her dad seems preoccupied. All the men in her life seem preoccupied. It sucks.

Norman, once again, wonders out loud of this Bruce fella is good enough for his daughter. And Julie is like “tee hee, he’s rich and handsome” and leaves it at that. Julie walks out, leaving Norman to stare wistfully out his penthouse suite window, looking like someone’s going to snipe his face at any second JFK-style.

So Batman is still beating up big, drooling, hairy giants, right? They smell like feces and things are sort of not going well all of a sudden. His ribs keep cracking one by one, which is going to concern Alfred later while Bruce decides to go jogging at 4am without medical attention.

Batman chains one by the neck and ties the other end to a sewer grate. Eventually, the giant pulls the grate out of the floor with a SKRONK, leaving a convenient escape for Batman right there for the taking!

The giants are perplexed.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

WHERE’D DA BAT GO?? GRUNT RRGNNH WHERE DA BAT? HRRRNN FAAART

Strange watched the whole thing from the comfort of his… dad’s bed. “He escaped! He escaped using only a pair of handcuffs!” He’s positively salivating at this. It’s quite pathetic. “Just imagine what one could do with the DNA of such a man!”

Batman lands in the stinky sewer water, and it smells like home. Strange has created some ungodly beasties; what would possess a man to do such a thing? Power? Greed? Bravery? Cunning? Hunger? Sexual desire? “And what wicked lengths will he go before he is stopped?”

Strange enters the room and inspects Batman’s trinkets and baubles littered around the floor. He picks up the utility belt and discovers no firearms. Just silent weapons, detection equipment, emergency aids, and boner pills. He picks up the cape and smiles fiendishly. An idea he has, that’s for darn sure!

Later, Bruce has another stupid dream about his dead parents before Julie wakes him up. What she’s doing there is this: surprise! Just checking up on you. I got to your room through the secret trap door from the Batcave that I discovered while digging giant holes on your property! Isn’t that funny?? Haa haa hoo hoo ha.

Anyway, Bruce is completely floored that this woman was able to find her way in the manor, let alone his bedroom, without Alfred’s assistance. Julie tells him to shush and it doesn’t matter, so stop nagging. She draws the curtains and discovers that Bruce is covered in about a hundred bandaids and large squares of gauze. “It, uh… it looks a lot worse than it feels!” he says unconvincingly. She demands to know what happened and he won’t tell her. “I, um… took a spill playing polo. My pony dragged me around for a bit.”

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #4

A shrewd one, this girl. Too bad I’m going to have to kill her now.

Julie is very concerned, but Bruce tells her to lay the fuck off. He’s a big boy and he can take care of himself, is all. He grits his teeth and looks mean as hell. “Julie, I’m… sorry. It’s… been so long since I’ve had someone actually worry about me… I guess I’m just out of practice.”

“Have I let her get too close to my dark and violent world?” Bruce thinks as he waves goodbye to his concerned barely-girlfriend. “The war has suddenly grown so bizarre. Yet still remains heedless of what victims it claims.”

Very poetic, dingus. Write it in your diary next time, I don’t want to read that hooey.

Professor Strange, meanwhile, plays with his beakers and his Bunsen burners. He found a single drop of blood on Batman’s cape and now he’s playing with his various strange liquids. Outside, Strange’s assistant Sanjay has a gun to his face. You see, Strange has been delinquent on paying back his loans without dirty money, so a couple of Maroni’s goons are here to settle the score. One guy shoots one of Strange’s stasis tubes containing some poor floating sucker. “So just consider this a warning… there better be no more ‘unusual events’ around the time of your next payment.”

After, for some reason, letting Strange know that Maroni is nowhere to be found at the moment, they walk away leaving Strange seething and no longer horny. “Follow them again, Sanjay. See if you can discover what rat-hole Maroni has crawled into. I believe our association with Sal Maroni has reached the end of its benefits.”

And guess who turned the tables? In the Batcave, it is now Bruce who is spying on Strange. And he just saw this whole thing! Time to take action!

Final Thoughts

Batman needs to stick this guy’s head in the toilet. He’s been asking for it since day one and a swirlie is just what the doctor ordered. And that doctor’s name was Dr. Scholl’s. His feet stink too, is what I’m saying.


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Jane’s Journey, Chapter 7 – The Motivations of Tahir

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In Ironsworn, you are a hero sworn to undertake perilous quests in the dark fantasy setting of the Ironlands. You will explore untracked wilds, fight desperate battles, forge bonds with isolated communities, and reveal the secrets of this harsh land. Most importantly, you will swear iron vows and see them fulfilled—no matter the cost.

I knew the path to Foxhovel wouldn’t be as treacherous as the one to Winterwood, but what I didn’t expect was a litany of branching paths. It seemed that every time I came across a fork in the road there was no signpost to point me in the correct direction. The sun was high enough in the sky to not be much help as a compass, and I was sure I had been turned around. “At least there have been no wolves,” I said gloomily. Hirsham could be dead for all I was aware. This excursion to Foxhovel was a miserable idea. I am not meant to go on adventures! I am meant to sit in my chamber and eat grapes while my servants folded my lacey garments.

I pushed the thought out of my head. I tried not to imagine Hirsham killed and pressed on. I tried not to become discouraged by the labyrinthian woods that I found myself lost within and did my best to keep my bearings straight.

Eventually, I encountered a wandering man moving in my direction. Keeping my guard up, bow ready at a moment’s notice, I approached the man. He was wearing commonfolk clothing and seemed to moving with purpose. “Excuse me, sir?” I hazarded. The man looked friendly enough. “I am Lady Jane of Wolfspire, and I am on a quest to find Foxhovel. Would you perhaps have the knowledge of these twisting paths to be able to lead me the correct way?”

The man eyed my sack. “Lady Jane of Wolfspire, eh? Why, I know the lay of the land in these woods as if they were the veins on the back of hand, I do! But, lady, I am quite hungry due to my long, arduous travels. Might you spare some food and water?”

I rummaged through what little I had in my sack. In my haste to get out of Wolfspire I did not think to replenish my food supply. “Er… yes, of course.” I pulled out a waterskin and a little cloth wrap of berries. “I can’t spare much, but I can—”

The man extended a hand to accept the food and water. “No coin, eh? Never mind, coin doesn’t take you far here in the Ironlands. Still, my favorite pub in Foxhovel won’t say no to a few coppers.” He pointed behind his back. “Right. Left. Left. Right. That’s all, m’lady. Thank you for the… well, thank you all the same.” The man gave a little bow that was steeped in sarcasm and continued going in the direction from whence I came. Slightly perturbed by the man’s attitude, I made note of his directions and pressed on myself.

Right. Left. Left. Right. No signposts at any fork. This leg of my trip took about 45 minutes until I reached a fork that took me either straight or right, which was not what I was expecting based on the man’s directions. One quick look at the signpost and my stomach sank down to my knees. The path to Foxhovel was pointing in the opposite direction. Straight was Wolfspire. To the right was Frosthaven. My fury was palpable. Did this man mislead me on purpose?

I pitched a tent and rested off the path a way. It was relaxing enough, but I found no food and no opportunity to resupply. The night was drawing near and I started feeling like I lacked good sense trying to run to Foxhovel alone so close to nightfall. I bolstered myself and started to head in the direction toward Foxhovel, but soon a frightful storm passed over me. Curse this tumultuous Tempest Hills weather! I did an about-face in a massive huff and set off toward Wolfspire. I was going to get a proper night’s sleep and clear my head. This was clearly a sign that I was too hasty. Perhaps I can try to gather more information while I’m home; I don’t even know how big Foxhovel is or where I can even find this Tahir in the first place. I embarked myself on a fool’s errand to be sure.

I awoke after a night’s sleep to a tense atmosphere. Hirsham’s disappearance had rung through the village and more people had been taken into the healer’s quarters with the Sickness. No one available to tend to their needs. I began to wonder if Hirsham had let his guard down completely knowing that he needed some assistance, any assistance, and Tahir — whomever he was — took advantage of the situation. But why?

Quest #3
Investigate the Motivations of Tahir

I felt much more alert today, even ambitious. With so much daylight ahead of me, another attempt to reach Foxhovel didn’t sound completely asinine. I supplied up and, with determination, started again down the path beyond the southwest gates. Hirsham may not even be there any longer, a thought that has entered my head many times always, but I had to try. What else could I do?

With the sun low in the eastern sky I had much more control over my bearings. I checked the sun with each fork in the path and felt confident with every choice. At one point in my trip I saw a man walking ahead of me at a slower pace. I quickened my own pace and caught up with him. “Hey! Traveler!” I yelled ahead of me. I had my suspicions.

The man turned around and caught my eye. “Aha, Lady Joan, was it? Do you have anymore dried fruit and tepid water you could spare?” he said snidely. I was balling my fists so tightly that my knuckles turned white. So he had misled me. All because of my bare-bones supply. “It’s Jane,” I said with conviction before drawing an arrow from my quiver. I pointed my bow in his direction. “And you’re going to tell me if I’m on the right track to Foxhovel or this breath will be your final.”

He held his arms up, but an air of stubbornness was betrayed by his smirk. “Put down the bow, Lady Jane. Nobility such as yourself shouldn’t be carrying something so dangerous. Especially female nobility, if that’s what you purport to be.”

That’s when I shot him squarely on the foot. He yelped and rolled on the ground in pain while I nocked another arrow. “Do you think I am playing, sir? Do you like both of your feet?” I made a motion toward his uninjured foot, and he cried for me to stop. “I have a village full of sick people and my healer is missing. He may be in Foxhovel and I need to find him before the Sickness spreads and everybody dies. Do you understand me?”

The wanderer nodded his head vigorously, still gripping his hurt foot. “Damn it! Yes, fine! You are on the right path, I promise you!” He continued wincing and panting while I wondered if I had shot the arrow clean through. “Gah! Just… please…”

I threw the man a little pouch of poultice. “For your trouble.” And I left him sitting there injured on the path. I wasn’t going to be pushed around by anyone. This is who I am now. I am Ironsworn.

It wasn’t long before I could see a little village in the distance. With rejuvenated energy, I increased my pace and traveled the final length to Foxhovel.

Click here for all the boring game-related notes! On second thought, don’t bother!

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