The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 18: “The Caemlyn Road”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

When it comes to fantasy books where a group spends the entire book traversing a map, there are two flavors of the “going down the road” sections: 1) The group does a lot of talking amongst themselves for 15 pages. The more knowledgeable characters fill the more ignorant characters in on worldbuilding-related matters. 2) The group gets ambushed by dogs or wolves or baddies and must fight and/or run away for 15 pages. I think the first type is interesting. I think the second type is boring. Chapter 18 was of the second type.

On the Caemlyn Road, heading toward wherever, the troupe of eight starts hearing battle horns in the distance behind them. Lan breaks off to investigate and discovers about 500 Trollocs advancing on them within the hour. Horns are now heard in every direction. Horns as far as the, uh, ear can hear.

They rush to make a decision on where to go from here. Lan suggests a place where Trollocs can’t go. A mysterious magical place with candy and toys, but Moiraine says NO! Instead, they battle an army of Trollocs that ambush them from ahead.

Lan cries “For the Seven Towers!” before entering the fray. Being a couple of lame mimics, Rand and Perrin do their own battle cry: “Manetheren!” yells Rand. Mat Cauthon says this: “Carai an Caldazar! Carai an Ellisande! Al Ellisande!” He doesn’t even know what it means, where it came from, why he said it, or why he even knows it. Egwene admits that it sounded familiar to her. Moiraine recognizes it as an ancient Manetheren war cry, so that means Mat did one better than his comrades in the war cry game.

Moiraine does some of that useful Aes Sedai sorcery and causes ripples in the Earth and throws the Trollocs and the Fades away from them. Then she creates a large wall of fire between them, allowing the group to continue riding north to safety. You see, an Aes Sedai is like all the Captain Planet Planeteers rolled into one! The climax of the novel will be the reveal of her Heart power, the most dumbshit of all the Planeteers’ powers.

Once the war horns are heard again, Lan insists on going to where the Trollocs can’t go. Moiraine agrees, and they come upon the ruins of a gigantic city. It used to be called Aridhol, named after Manetheren’s buddy. Now it’s called Shadar Logoth. The chapter ends with that revelation as if it’s a cliffhanger that’s supposed to mean something to me, but it means nothing to me. It means literally nothing, just like the words “trolloc” and “aes sedai” and “rand” and “wheel” and “time”.


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Paper Girls, Issue #12

* Part 2 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 3 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #12! In the previous installment, the girls try to figure out where in time they might be. It’s either very far in the past, or very far in the future. Hard to tell.

Mac encounters a wild woman near a river who attempts to sort of try to kill her with a bow and arrow. A very large beast emerges from the woods and knocks Mac into the river. KJ jumps in to try and save her.

The issue ends with a futuristic woman, Dr. Qanta Braunstein, who time traveled successfully to her destination: 11,706 BCE! And she’ll be meeting up with the girls before you can say boo.

BOO! Did I scare you?

Sorry.

Paper Girls, Issue #12 [March, 2017]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #12

The cover shows Mac is dead. She died of river cancer.

Wild Woman was able to extract her arrow from the tree that it had been wedged within. “JAN CHARA!” she shouts while pulling back her bowstring. I think I had a neighbor named Jan Chara once.

She lets the arrow loose and it plunges right into the very large beast with a simple “fwick”. The beast collapses immediately to the ground.

What an ordeal. ♪♫ Let’s go get some ice cream! ♫♪♫

Oh wait, not yet. Wild Woman slowly says some Wild Woman Words before her eyes roll back in her head and she starts to collapse herself. “Grab her kid!” Tiff shouts as the woman keels over.

Tiff is able to catch the woman before she hits the ground, and that’s rather impressive considering Tiff is a 12-year-old Arkanoid player and this Wild Woman is some jungle lady who probably has heavy muscles and, oh yeah, also a baby.

Speaking of the baby, Erin grabs the baby as requested while the woman continues being dead weight in Tiff’s arms. “It’s ok, little guy,” Erin says calmly as the kid screeches in her hands.

Paper Girls, Issue #12

I believe the technical term for that is “the vapors”.

Tiff asks what happened, but after Erin gives her a very Erin-like answer to that question, Tiff goes “Whatever. We have to go after Mac and KJ.” The river could’ve already taken them to Lake Erie by now! THROUGH CLEVELAND! Gross!

Hold your horses, Tiffany! They can’t just leave Baby and Baby-Mama here to be eaten by another Bigfoot Yeti creature! “Well, I’d ask if they want to tag along, but I don’t exactly speak cavewoman, do you?”

Tiff with the sarcasm! Zip zip zing! On fire today! Do not underestimate Erin Tieng. She may be meek and weird and destined to a future of antidepressants, but she knows how to steal one of those translator collars from her future self if she needs to! And she needed to! And she did! And here it is! And they should use it! “As soon as it came off, that clone girl started talking a completely different language.”

Aha! Yes yes yes. So if we put the choker on the baby, we’ll hear “waaahh, I’m hungry, I need some titties”. But that won’t be helpful! So let’s put it on the Wild Woman. She might say the same thing! But at least she’ll also eventually say some other things.

After exchanging some Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy references about the Babel fish, Erin sighs and wishes she actually did have a guide to the galaxy. It would really help them right now. I disagree. It would just tell them that they’re on Earth. Done. Unhelpful.

“And I sure as shit didn’t bring a towel.”

Very good. Well done.

I wanna see what the River Girls are up to. KJ comes to the surface with a limp, assuredly waterlogged Mac, whom she drags to the riverbank. “Please don’t be dead,” she pleads to the girl who’s going to die anyway, so what’s the point? We’re all gonna die someday, slipping into blissful oblivion until the end of time and then some.

Uplifting! Here’s what else is uplifting: Mac, being lifted up by KJ. Then down again, because it’s mouth-to-mouth resuscitation time.

Mac doesn’t take well to it.

Paper Girls, Issue #12

I, too, wish there was less perversion in CPR. My workplace is just lousy with CPR training sex offenders!

Mac coughs. KJ is taken aback. “Excuse me for saving your life,” she mutters, annoyed. “Nobody asked you to, dipstick,” Mac continues coughing, “Unlike me, you’ve probably still got a nice long life to live.

Mac’s last cigarette has been ruined. Now there’s a tragedy.

The news of Mac’s inevitable cancer was something KJ wasn’t around to hear about in the first place, but Tiff filled her in on it. “Just because the Ghost of Christmas Future shows you something doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll come true right?” she asks, leaning down to help Mac up from the ground. Mac doesn’t allow KJ to do this either. “Great, now the Jewish kid is gonna lecture me about Christmas.”

OK, now we’re gettin’ pissed! “You’re a total asshole, Mac.”

Uh huh, we all knew that already! Where’ve you been, KJ? Living under a rock? Living thousands of years in the past? Dimwit.

Silence is broken! HARROOOOO! The noise is coming from inside the forest. Based on the noise… yes… it must be Richard Nixon’s head! Arrroooo!!

Mac grabs onto KJ, scared. The noise goes away. Complete silence. Scared hugging continues.

Morning comes. Tiff and Erin have Wild Woman sleeping with head resting on a Cleveland Preserver newspaper bag (just in case you forgot that these four are paper girls, after all!).

The Wild Woman wakes up and looks around. Newspaper bag. Erin holding her baby. Two girls wearing weird clothes from thousands of years in the future. All this is already weird and terrifying.

“What the holy fuck?!” the woman exclaims. The collar works!

Paper Girls, Issue #12

I wish I had my own swear collar. I’d say some of the rudest cusses!

“Don’t kill my baby! We only came to this place because I… I thought it’s what you dream women wanted!”

Ha! OK, now we’re cooking with gas! …well, not yet. What’s this now? Dream women? The only Dream Woman I know is Audrey Tautou as Amélie! And neither of these two fit the bill!

“Kid, no one is going to hurt your… kid,” Tiff tells her as reassuringly as she can muster. I forgot the Wild Woman is supposed to be a Wild Child. They thought she might not be much older than them.

“You mean… you people aren’t from the stony stream?”
“Wait, Stony Stream?” Erin asks, surprised and confused, “That’s what you call this place?”
“That’s what the women who bother me in my sleep call it,” Wild Child responds, taking her baby back. She goes on about women talking to her once she became pregnant and how she had to follow a fallen star to the clearing in the forest. “They said if I wanted my boy to live, I had to receive their lost treasure from the three men.”

Great, now the Wild Child is gonna lecture them about Christmas. And, I– whuzzat? Yeah, that sounds awfully familiar, right? Jesus? In the year 11,706 BC? You do know what “BC” stands for, correct? Jesus didn’t live to be 11,739 years old! I mean, I don’t know, maybe he did. He WAS, like, a really hot wizard.

Tiff recognizes this right away as well. Fuckin’ Jesus, man. Erin is skeptical, but Tiff has to admit that it’s pretty close. Except for, again, the being nearly 12,000 years ahead of schedule part of it. “I mean, a pregnant woman follows a star to get gifts from three wise men?”

Paper Girls, Issue #12

Moe, Larry, and Curly? Ted Danson, Tom Selleck, and Steve Guttenburg?

“The three men are not wise,” Wild Child says with utter contempt in her voice. She calls them murderers! Savages! Republicans! Awful, awful men, these three. Just the worst God has to offer. They used to be part of her guild, but then they did some unspeakable things. Like vote for Mike Huckabee! Now they “dwell downstream”. Like salmon.

Oh snap! Those two friends of theirs whom they just met two days ago are downstream right now! KJ is trying to kiss Mac there! Oh dear god no!

Wild Child offers her condolences. Their friends are probably dead and she’s sorry! Definitely dead. Ripped apart by three unwise men.

Hey, remember futuristic Dr. Qanta Braunstein? She’s chilling in the woods right now, literally. It’s cold. She wants to add an entry to the Captain’s Log, Stardate 8675309. This message is for her sister: the air is beautiful here in A Lot of Years in the Past. So crisp and clean, bereft of toxins and carbon emissions and smog and Elon’s musk.

Her sister is named Shusha. Qanta mentions in her audio blog that she’s experiencing a sense of déjà vu. You know, that feeling you get when you’ve definitely been in the Land of the Lost.

Paper Girls, Issue #12

Oh yeah, Chuck E. Cheese. It doesn’t get any more crisp, clean, and fresh than that. The ball pit is not at all filled with the urine of 1,000 children.

Qanta remembers a split second in the Mouse Restaurant where “the concept of time as a line suddenly felt very real”. It was a moment of existential crisis. She felt very insignificant. And now, finding herself smack dab in the middle of people-are-barely-even-people times, Qanta feels even less significant. No one is important. Everything is irrelevant. People are going to go extinct someday. We are no more special than any other biological entity that will also go extinct some day. The heat death of the universe is inevitable. Entropy is always increasing.

Sorry, almost all of that is a projection of my own existential crisis.

Qanta finds some poop on the ground and then investigates the poop. It definitely looks like poop. Definitely not from a wolf. That’s as far as her investigation takes her. Kinda looks like a human turd, actually.

Crazy stuff, though. There’s not supposed to be anybody here. Her computer machine tracker simulation device console told her that the place is supposed to be deserted! Bereft of men and women and children and Elon’s musk!

“…a software update is required.”

Oh please, that doesn’t help at all. Are you telling me that nothing is functioning properly? Fuck, man, here: hits the big, red software update button

Well, that didn’t work. Now what? Qanta starts panicking, but I’m not exactly sure why yet. Perhaps she hates people AND the poop that goes along with them? It’s entirely possible that she has had a really awful experience when it comes to people and poop. Chuck E. Cheese comes to mind again…

Paper Girls, Issue #12

Man, shunking arrows? This is just not my day.

An arrow narrowly misses the Mohawked One. “SHENTOG!” yells a large caveman, running toward her. He’s covered in mud. He has a big square painted on his chest. He certainly doesn’t look like he can even hold a bow, let alone shoot an arrow with it in any competent manner without accidentally gouging out his own eyeball and impaling his brain. So let’s see if he does just that…

…rats, no such luck. I guess Qanta’s going to to have to blast the motherfucker with her Star Trek phaser. So let’s see if she does just that…

…cool, it worked, but now Qanta regrets doing what looks, incriminatingly, like a murder here in the year 11,000,700,000,000 BCE. A couple of fellow “SHENTOG!” cavemen come out of the woodwork (“woodwork” here means “the woods”) and clubs her in the back of the head. One has an upside-down triangle painted on his chest. One of them takes her phaser and her helmet and starts playing Space Marine; he has a power symbol painted on his chest.

Some more Apple-related shenanigans, I see.

Meanwhile, the Not-Dead KJ and Mac are chilling on a beach downriver. Most of their clothes are hanging to dry on a nearby branch. KJ kicks the sand in a frustrated, rather undignified manner. “I don’t think they’re coming for us.”

Mac isn’t expecting anyone to come for anybody. In fact, SCREW Erin and Tiff. She wants to go look for that red shooting star. Or at least what looked like a red shooting star. Mac calls it a “comet-thing”. It was most certainly Dr. Qanta McNulty “Jeff” Braunstein’s capsule descension. Or whatever the real opposite of “ascension” is. Someone look that up for me, I don’t have Ask Jeeves on my computer!

KJ absolutely, positively does NOT want to investigate the possible crazy time machine with some possibly crazy and/or homicidal futuristic boogeyman within.

This is a completely inopportune moment, but Mac notices that KJ is bleeding down her leg, signaling a moon’s blood given rise to her bountiful womanhood. Good luck with that right now, getting your first period a million years in the past. They made tampons out of cattails back then, but don’t take my word for it. I don’t have AltaVista on my computer.

Paper Girls, Issue #12

It’s less of a period and more of an exclamation point! Hahahaha! C’mon KJ, isn’t that funny??

Of course, Mac interprets it as something else because these kids are 12 years old. “Did you cut yourself rescuing me,” she yells, alarmed, like a wide-eyed, innocent Dennis the Menace, “It’s my fault, isn’t it?”

Just shut the fuck up, Mac. Seriously. And now Mac is panicking because periods are not only gross, but, like, come on.

“Oh shit,” Mac says, turning away.

“I mean, congratulations?”

Awkward.

Final Thoughts

Looking forward to almost everything going on here! The pursuits of Dr. Qanta Fitzsimmons “Roy” Braunstein! The further bonding of Erin, Tiff, and the Wild Child from hella in the past!

Not so much the period blood.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 17: “Watchers and Hunters”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Gaiety abounds in the Stag and Lion common room! Why, Thom the Gleeman hops around the room like a loon regaling the clientele with fanciful legends and tales like The Great Hunt and The Great Cunt and Larry the Bard’s Trip to Disney World. Then he grabs a flute like Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull and everyone dances! Oh, the joy! The fun! It feels good to live life to the fullest again! I’m sitting here jealous that I can’t enjoy an evening of dancing to some child molester’s flute playing. I really was born in the wrong time.

Several times during the dancing, Rand notices a man with a large scar across his face sneering at him. Mat noticed the man as well. Lan tells them he’s a spy for the Whitecloaks, and that’s going bite them all in the butt come morning. Forget about that now, it’s time for bed. Rand goes to the kitchen to get some milk and runs into a Fade on the way back to his quarters. It scares the shit out of him. He thinks he’s gonna die, and he almost does! But then the Fade tells Rand that he belongs to the Great Lord of the Dark, which sounds like the alter ego of some goth teenager named Brian.

It totally sucks, man, that this Fade showed up at the Stag and Lion in the middle of the night. Lan ain’t havin’ it, and they prepare to leave forthwith! Moiraine implores Mister Fitch the Innkeeper Extraordinaire that his inn is in danger, but he will hear none of it! Darkfriends! Darkfriends! They’re gonna come getcha.

The party leaves. Nynaeve joins them because she still intends to shepherd these kids back to Emond’s Field even if they all die a horrible death doing so! Plus, she doesn’t want to leave them alone with this bitch over here points to that Moiraine bitch

They all reach the gates leading out of the city and get ambushed by a group of Nazis. I mean, Whitecloaks. They get all up in Lan’s face, but he remains stoic. Moiraine gets attacked when they learn she is an Aes Sedai, which makes her grow about ten feet tall. All like “RAAWWRRR GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!” It works, they retreat a bit, and the party leaves through the gate with none the wiser!

If Moiraine being an Aes Sedai didn’t freak the kids out enough, this event was even freakier. Is there no end to what the Aes Sedai will do in front of them?! A menace, to be sure. Especially since, get this, the Stag and Lion has been attacked and is now on fire and she wants them to continue on without looking back! Whomever attacked the inn thinks the three boys are still there, so it’s all their fault. Nynaeve yells at Moiraine to go back and help, but Moiraine tells her go eat dirt.

So Nynaeve eats dirt. They continue on with their journey.


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Sucky Funnies for December 11, 2022

Keeping it short and sweet today. Enjoy three shitty strips with barely any commentary! I’m gonna go take a nap.

Pluggers

Pluggers - December 11, 2022

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We can add “being obese” to the list of things rural, blue-collar middle America is proud of alongside “being uneducated” and “hating black people”. If this jolly fellow entered my house I’d call the police.

Do you have a contribution? Be sure to send your winning entry off to pluggermail@aol.com. The email address is kept alive by a lifetime supply of those free 1000+ hours of AOL 3.0 discs. Pluggers unite!

Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem - December 11, 2022

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A “selfie camera”. It’s not just any camera! Why are we still making selfie jokes in 2022? Are we still mad that young people like their phones? Do you know how many old ladies I see on the bus swiping through Breitbart.com, completely engrossed within the screen?

This is just a Pluggers joke too, to boot. “You’re a plugger if your selfie camera is your bathroom mirror.” How about you plug my butt.

Judge Parker

Judge Parker - December 11, 2022

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When we last checked in with Judge Parker, faceless characters Sam and Gloria were escaping a lakehouse post-shootout. Thank God that Gloria came out unscathed, but what became of Sam? Did he get captured by the cartel and escorted off to Mexico with a bag over his head? Here’s hoping!

Gloria smells like gun smoke because, in an unforeseen twist, Gloria pulled a gun to Sam and killed him dead. She was the shooter all along! You can expect a whole lot more plot twists like these from future editions of Judge Parker! See you next time!


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Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “The New Revolution”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Revolution storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #1 – “The New Revolution”!

Another day, another Brian Michael Bendis run. I’ve accidentally stumbled on this guy more times so far than anyone, with Mark Waid not even being a close second. It’s funny how renowned the guy is for Ultimate Spider-Man and then maybe Alias, but everything else has been mediocre at best. BUT THAT’S ALL GONNA CHANGE WITH UNCANNY X-MEN! I have a good feeling about this one! It’s uncanny, after all!

I don’t have anything more to say. Let’s get this shit on the road or I’m turning this car back around. Back to the garage, you see. Because this shit isn’t on the road yet.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [April, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“The New Revolution”

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

LET’S SEE. Who’s that on the cover? Cyclops Man. Cold Lady. Large Earring Woman. James Joyce Glasses. Magnet Man. Colossus Sister. Cool, cool, cool.

So, I know from All-New X-Men that Cyclops is hangin’ with Frost and Magneto (Illyana too; she hangs back though) so they can recruit new mutants. That’s Short-Hair and Mr. Goggles. Short-Hair is from Australia, I forget her name, she can stop time. Mr. Goggles can bring people back from the dead. These are both very useful skills! Better than flaming eyeballs or whatever the fuck Cyclops’ problem is.

There’s an intro page that tells you about X-Men mutants like you might not already know. I know. We’re moving on. Cyclops has emotional and mental problems AND he wants to start a revolution, which is a recipe for complete disaster but we’re all going to let that play out.

Speaking of short hair, hubba hubba and whatnot. Maria Hill, my favorite S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and/or commander and/or deputy director and/or director is with Nick Eyepatch Fury in the INTERROGATION BUNKER. And what a bunker it is! “He just showed up out of nowhere?” Hill asks a nameless agent. Who cares what his name is, he’s dressed in a suit.

“Is he in there?” she asks a security officer.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Have you taken the necessary precautions?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“All of them?”
“Ma’am.”
“I don’t like this…”

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Yeah, well, what you don’t know could fill a few thousand top of the line, state of the art S.H.I.E.L.D. Apple IIe computers.

Hill braces herself before entering the interrogation room. The guy was checked for weapons. She asks if this guy has ever done anything like “this” before, and the answer is no. Sounds like a rascal who was in the wrong place at the wrong time to me. Cut him loose, men.

If this guy tries any funny business while Hill is in there, the crosseyed security officer is to hit a red button that will gas the place and kill every single one of them. Sound good? Excellent! There’s no time to say goodbye to your wife and kids, son. This is the price you pay for your duty as a S.H.I.E.L.D. Security Pawn. I mean, Officer. Tee hee.

“Agent Hill,” says the man.
“You asked for me?”
“I did.”
“Specifically?”
“I did.”
“Why?”

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

We would allow it on Armenian soil. But American soil? No way, Jose. That’s SPECIAL soil!

It’s because Maria Hill has no personal vested interest in this revolution. Neither do 6.8 billion other people, why doesn’t this guy want to talk to them? He can talk to me, I don’t give a shit about the mutant revolution!

He wants Hill to listen to him. That’s all. He produces a round, coin-like object from his mouth and places it on the table. Everyone freaks out. The security guy is going to get waterboarded just for missing this one. He’s going to get waterboarded with milkshakes.

“What is that?” Hill asks, startled and frightened.

“I’m not here to hurt you,” he says, looking like he might anyway. Just a teensy bit. “I have to imagine that my reputation precedes me. I think you know me well enough to know that if I was here to hurt you there’s a lot smarter ways for me to go about doing it.

Well, nicely done. Checkmate, I guess. Good game. Time to go heh heh. Oh, you’re going to explain what the object is? Fine. She’ll stick around a little bit longer.

He claims it’s information. Information she doesn’t have. He presses a small button on the coin and the room lights up with a hologram of the world swirling around them. It sort of looks like normal Earth land masses but it’s all weird and different. I think I see Russia, though. Yep, there’s Putin.

“Each one represents a new mutant who has popped up,” the man explains the bright points of light that dot the map like stars in the sky, “They’re popping up all over the world.”

Hill is skeptical, but he knows that she knows that he has good intel, so he knows that she knows that she should trust him. Got me? She’s also quite alarmed and nervous, and after asking how many there might be, the mysterious mystery man tells her it’s not the number she needs to worry about. It’s how powerful they are. Power plus revolution. We don’t even have Cyclops on their side right now, it seems. That’s a fly in the ointment, as your 145-year-old grandmother might say.

Loved by other mutants. Hated by the normies. Scott “Cyclops Fucker” Summers is the one to watch for. He may be totally mentally unstable. In fact, he is! Have fun!

“Summers is rescuing mutants all over the world…”

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

He’s also jacking off a lot in public, and people sort of have mixed feelings about that.

“But the reason Scott Summers is so popular is that they don’t know the real him. They don’t know what he’s capable of. They don’t know that he’s a monster,” says bottom-half-of-face man.

Maria Hill is tired of this guy taking up her time at this point. If he’s got nothing new to say about Scott Summers that S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t already know, then she’s gonna g–

“His powers don’t work anymore.”

BBBWWWWWHHHAAAAAT??! comical double-take

They’re broken, see? Yeah…yeah, broken. Screwed up. Fizzling. Off the rails, you hearing me? Broke during the *Phoenix debacle” (I still don’t really know what that is) and he’s trying to hide that fact by not blasting motherfuckers with his eyeball furnace.”

“The face of the mutant revolution is crippled,” she asks, not believing her ears.
“That seems to have gotten your attention,” he replies.

She still doesn’t believe him. It just isn’t consistent with what they’ve seen.

He asks her if she heard about what happened in San Diego the other day. Some young man on the street just started producing these large, bouncing balls out of nowhere. There was a robbery attempt and it just started to happen, pinging around the room and knocking people over. It happened again when the police attempted to take him down. The cop looks like Stan Lee, lol.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Boy? Pfft. He looks big enough to be three boys!

The police and security talk amongst themselves about this new mutant piece of shit when who should arrive but SCOTT SUMMERS and his troupe of MUTANT MISFITS! “That mutant has rights,” Cyclops Summers says intimidatingly. He’s got his crew of five others with him (Editor’s Note: Check the cover! -T)

-Australian Short-Hair Girl is now named Tempus. As in, stuff with time.
-Mr. Goggles hasn’t picked out a name yet, but, as mentioned before, he heals people. I’m gonna name him right now: “Stimpack”!

Cyclops tells these human police fucks to back away now before he launches fire out of his dick at them. They don’t comply. They aim their guns at them and call for backup. Terrible idea, who taught you how to deal with unhinged mutants? Dumpster Police Academy? Magneto magnetizes their guns and pushes them away. Frost then instructs Tempus (née Eva) to create her time bubble and trap them in a time bubbly vortex, stopping them in their tracks. Not bad for only four days of mutantity!

This kid is named Fabio. Cyclops grabs his hand tenderly, ever so tenderly, and smiles at him like an unregistered sex offender. Then they go through the whole spiel. Kid doesn’t know what’s going on, Cyclops tells him he’s a dang mutant and his power appears to be ball-related. That’s a new one. This girl over here points can manipulate time, and this guy over here points can heal people, and you points make balls. Congratulations on sucking hardcore. Want to join the revolution?

Hold that thought. A 900-ft tall Sentinel comes crashing through to pound these mutants into sticky mutant paste. Oh great, they’re being hunted. Why was Cyclops yelling and hollering on TV about a revolution in the first place? Downright cockamamie! Very visible! No good!

Ok, well, fuck. Cyclops tells Magik to take the kids back to school, but she’s tied up at the moment and they need Stimpack to help heal some stuff.

Magneto tells these kids to respect their elders and listen to Scott Summers! He’s cool and a good role model and he’s NOT REGISTERED! Yet.

The Sentinel continues to hand their asses to them on a bronze platter. They don’t even deserve a silver platter. Frost comments on how old Magneto is; can’t even stop these Sentinels. Magneto gets indignant but then agrees. “Not so long ago I would have had the power to fold these nightmares into themselves… but, it seems those days are behind me.”

More Sentinels show up. These are human-sized and they don’t look as dangerous but I’m personally assured, because I have Level 1,000 clearance, that they are indeed quite dangerous.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

CLANG THUNK CLANG CLANG THUNK THUNK BING BANG BING BANG BADA BING BADA BOOM

Just like Cyclops, Magneto’s powers are broken. He uses whatever magnetic force he has left to fashion the cops’ guns into metal arrows (stupid) and fling them at the Sentinels. They are stopped, but Magneto grabs his head and screams in the universal expression for “my head hurts now”.

Magik leaps up with a sword and slices through the giant Sentinel’s head like butter. Stimpack heals Magneto, which the rest of the team finds touching. A new mutant and already he’s healing his buddies! Daawwwww!!

Time Girl and Healer Boy and this is just the beginning. Now we got Ball Kid. Things are really picking up.

NOW Magik can whisk everyone back to the school. Cyclops does a lucky blast that destroys the rest of the robot. He didn’t even know he was doing it until he was done. He could have easily fucked up the whole block. He could have easily killed his X-Men buddies. But he didn’t, so whew. But now he’s wobbly and woozy.

Fabio freaks out and doesn’t want to go, but Tempus Eva assures him that she felt the same way and everything is going to be ok. He’s with friends now! So forget your old friends and your family. They are dead to you now forever. Come along!

It was S.H.I.E.L.D. who sent those Sentinels to kill Scott Summers specifically, but she is told that it’s a really dumb idea? Do you want to martyr him? Do you want to kill everyone around him? Use your brain, man!

Listen, Toots. You can’t kill him. Don’t kill him. Don’t make him die, ok? You have to taps pointed finger on table to emphasize each word expose. him. for. the. monster. that. he. is. so. that. he. can. feel. bad. and. cry. while. watching. This. Is. Us. and. eating. Stouffer’s. pot. pies.

“He’s a broken man,” says Mysterious Man Who Will Soon Be Revealed, I’m Sure. “Spiritually. Physically. You need to show that to the world. What he should be doing is healing – retraining himself… he should be pulling himself back together under the public eye. He should be in jail.”

Scott Summers, however, is an arrogant piece of shit. So he’ll never do it on his own. He thinks he’s cock of the walk! He thinks he can succeed at his revolution. He doesn’t know shit!

Maria Hill finally agrees to help, but she has no idea what this guy wants her to do.

But she does know who this guy is.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

It’s Magneto.

He wants Hill to get Scott Summers to reveal himself. He wants her to get him to self-destruct in public. He wants this because Scott Summers fucked him over. His powers suck, and he wants to stick it to him.

And, of course, he’s willing to help.

cue Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor

Final Thoughts

I should’ve been able to see this a mile away, but I’m dumb. Of course this was why Hill was terrified when Magneto pulled out that little metal disc that ended up being a map hologram. Duh.

Let’s go, Magnet Man. Let’s see what ya got. Epstein the motherfucker!


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