Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “Poink is the New BAMF”

* Part 2 of 5 of the Revolution storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #2 – “Poink is the New BAMF”! And yuck, that’s a worse name than all the tripe Scott Lobdell dug up for his Red Hood and the Outlaws issues. Well… yeah, that’s not true at all. In the previous installment Magneto shows up to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters with one mission: bring down Scott Summers, and bring him down in the public eye. The whole world needs to see his downfall. And he’s willing to assist S.H.I.E.L.D. in any way possible because he’s a big baby about Cyclops stealing his powers.

The new recruits from the beginning of All-New X-Men are there: Eva, the time-manipulation girl. Christopher, the healing boy. They’re going to help the bad guys do the revolution thing.

Where’s Wolverine in all this? Drinking a tall glass of Miller Light and stroking his schlong while watching Ratched on Netflix. That Sarah Paulson is something else, right Wolverine?

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [April, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Poink is the New BAMF”

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

I just love this big splash page with this menacing red/black motif showing the backstory of the X-Men and the synopsis of Magneto preparing to help S.H.I.E.L.D., and it’s all very serious looking, and then it says “POINK IS THE NEW BAMF”. Brings everything back into perspective.

Emma Frost walks along a stone wall in a frosty, snowy, mountainous area. She’s poinky and BAMFy, you might say. She wears three layers, but half her torso is exposed to the elements, so kudos to the costume department for weather-appropriate superhero outfits for women.

She suddenly screams and falls to her hands and knees. “The quiet is going to drive me insane. All this quiet. All those years I could read everybody’s thoughts. Anybody. Everybody.” She laughs bitterly to herself that she spent all that time trying to block it out. Now she would do anything to get those voices back in her head.

And I mean anything. ♫ But she won’t do that. ♫

Powers broken. Half the woman she used to be. Wah wah wah. She used to be the Queen! The White Queen! Wah wah wah wah! Now look at her! Look at her! Wah wah waaaah!

In short, go fuck youself with a spiky cactus, Scott Summers. Right up the ol’ butt chute. Also, the Phoenix. Also, Jean Grey for bringing the Phoenix in the first place. Also, Scott again, for fucking Jean Grey. Also, Jean Grey again, for fucking Scott. Without a cactus! It’s inexcusable.

Frost spends a lot of time thinking her thoughts, probably because she has nothing else to listen to right now except her own thoughts. A lot of her thoughts are about blaming people for her situation, including Tony Stark, of which I have no context for. Then she finally blames herself, which is more like it! I guess there was betrayal? Scandalous!

Love triangle stuff notwithstanding, Frost is also preoccupied with being stupid enough to actually confront Cyclops about it. Then he got mad. Of course this was gonna happen! Why did she bother?! Stupid stupid stupid!

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

If you hurry, we’ll have time to catch the pancake breakfast at the Matrix convention!

Oh shit, uh… hey there, Cyclops! Heh heh heh…did you, uh, did you hear anything just now? And Cyclops says he had heard some. Enough. That’s awkward.

Hey! This is a good thing, right Frost ol’ buddy ol’ pal? You can project thoughts! That’s better than before, right?

NO! IT’S NOT RIGHT, SCOTT, YOU IMBECILE FROM DUMBSHIT MOUNTAIN. Emma wasn’t trying to project her thoughts, ergo, it’s not better than before you colossal dingus. It’s worse, because now she can’t think of anything without worrying about someone hearing it. All those crazy fetishes and all those credit card numbers. There’s a lot on the line here!

Time to face the facts, Jack. They’re up shit creek with only a regular paddle. They need a mutant paddle! They need help. And they need to figure out how they can retrain themselves on their respective super-hero-power-dealies. So, if no one will help, then they’ll have to help each other. So who wants pancakes?!

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Hey you mopey mopes, get it together. Everyone hates everybody, so let’s just move the fuck on.

Scott and Emma go back and forth projecting their anxieties and insecurities, so this must be a Marvel comic! Here’s Emma’s problem: she’s so used to reading Scott’s mind that she hates not being able to anymore, and it sounds like Scott’s newfound privacy upsets her tremendously. I have a hard time sympathizing with this, but at least Scott’s now free to fantasize about boning 45 women at the same time now with impunity.

Emma asks Cyclops if he wants to get back together with her. Scott dials it down to 43 and tells her that he doesn’t see how it that would be possible. Frost agrees with that. Scott dials it back up to 45.

Is this about the Mutant Revolution, Emma? Aaarrrrghh, I TO-O-O-O-O-OLD you that I thought you wanted to be a part of i-i-i-i-it! Fine, leave. See if I care. I still have Magneto! For all I know! Ha!

OK, maybe this isn’t about Scott and Emma anymore. Maybe this Mutant Revolution thing is about a greater good. Future made better by how they shape it. So strap on your teachin’ boots, we have youngins to train! “We have never had students this raw,” Scott tells her. They’ll need all the help they can get. So start rawdoggin’ them! What would Professor Charles Montgomery Patrick Stewart X Jean Grey Luc Picard Xavier do?

Emma knows everything Cyclops is saying is right. Of course he’s right, he’s the infallible Scott Summers. Ooooh, ahhhh, let’s throw a goddamned parade for the Great One.

“He wasn’t the saint you remember him as,” Frost tells him. And he knows.

Frost has one last thing to say before they go: FUCK Jean Grey. FUCK her. FUCK FUCK FUCK her. She’s glad she’s dead. If she could come back to life only to die again, that would be great. If she could come back to life only to die again by being MURDERED, that would be fantastic. MURDERED BY FROST. Hahahaha, she can imagine wrapping her fingers around that bitch’s throat and–

Ok, we’re good now! Illyana just pulled up the car.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Jesus Christ, people. Dress for the weather once in a while.

Illyana gives them both a good up-and-down. “Are you guys back together?” she asks with a look of disdain at the mere thought. Cyclops answers in the negative. “Thank the Dark Lords,” Illyana responds. How very Magik-al.

Then the magik one disappears with a KRAK of scary Thor-type lightning. Frost stares at the area with giant blue eyeballs, somewhat terrified. Sounds like another woman to be jealous of very soon.

The two lovebirds start walking away.

“I miss being in your brain,” Emma tells Scott.

HOW DID SCOTT REACT? CHOOSE!
a) “I miss being up in your guts.”
b) With silence.

MOVING ON! Let’s go back to that time from the last issue where the Sentinels arrived to bust the party and they tried to stop them with their barely-powers. Well, the new recruits are being shown a film of the event. Someone somewhere was recording the action, somehow, for some reason. The ignorant youths don’t know what these Sentinels are, so the seasoned X-Men are like “oh yeah, these are the things that will try to kill you constantly”. And why were they attacking in the city? Probably because somebody sent them! Some mutant-hating jerkass that wants us in the sewers, Futurama-style.

Fabio (the Ball Kid) is freaking out, because yesterday he was working at a classy corn dog restaurant and now he’s being chased by robots. Cyclops tells him to chill like the other two, but they’re also freaking out.

Oh yeah, that’s right. There wasn’t that much of a real explanation of what’s going on here! Nice to meet you, I’m Cyclops. You may have heard of me, my name gets around like your mother! Hahaha! Relax, kid.

Fabio doesn’t believe this stupidity. He wants to go back to selling corn dogs, but Magneto continues showing him his classroom presentation.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Yeah, that may be so, but why aren’t you and James Marsden ever in the same room at the same time??

There’s too much repeated info here, but some other major points include 1) you guys are the new mutants, 2) new mutants haven’t shown up in many, many years, 3) and now you have to do mutant stuff instead of relaxing and living a normal, comfortable life.

Heavy stuff! Personally, if I found out that I could suddenly untwist pretzels with my eyeballs, I wouldn’t want to be drafted into a Mutant Army against my will. I’d want to just sit at home and play more Xbox.

“I thought mutants were born mutants,” Eva says.
“You were born a mutant,” responds Magneto.
“And I just didn’t know it yet?”
“That is exactly right.”

Hold the phone! How do we know that everyone isn’t born a mutant and they just don’t know yet? Plot hole!

“And the rest of my family?” Eva continues.
“It’s hard to say,” responds Magneto.
“Will I ever see them again?”
“You’re not being held hostage, young one.”

Ha! Nice way of psychologically holding them hostage, you magnetic slut. Christopher is thrilled; he hated his stupid, boring life and now he gets to be an X-Man. Fabio is less than thrilled; he wants to keep making corn dogs and now he has weird balls. Weird balls that fly out of him for no reason! And even Scott Summers finds this power peculiar. Even among mutants, some mutants are on the F-tier.

Cyclops asks Kid Balls if he can do his powers thing. Right here and right now. He wants to see what Fabio’s balls are made of. Fabio is nervous. So, apparently, they’re not made of steel.

Fabio concentrates. He concentrates and concentrates. Then the balls start a’flyin’! Hoooo-wee! Balls to the wall, my friends.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Wheeeeeeeee!!

After the dozens of balls stop pinging around the room (or “poink”, which would explain part of the issue’s atrocity of a title), Scott comments that he shouldn’t do that inside anymore, you ugly mutant. Everyone agrees. Especially the ugly part.

Christopher asks where they are. It’s the New Charles Xavier School for Mutants, aka Bad Guy Mutant HQ for Revolutionary Purposes. They show the whole floor plan! There’s a hangar, an arboretum, a meeting/Danger Room, the Danger Room mechanism, the dorms, the classrooms, the cafeteria, the War Room, the service area, the rumpus room, the holodeck, the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe! Have fun, kiddos. No hanky-panky, you hear?

A kid named Benjamin, who appeared in All-New X-Men as the face-shifter, asks if they all have to live here. Emma Frost throws some more psychological hostaging in his direction about that. Scott doesn’t get what these stupid kids are so afraid of. MUTANT BOARDING SCHOOL! This is some Hogwarts shit, you guys! Thousands of quadrillions of kids would love to be in your position. Learning magic. Fellatin’ Hagrid. This is the dream!

Eva and Christopher love the idea of living at the school, but Fabio agrees with Benjamin. Magik jumps in on Scott’s spiel. Being from Russia, the word “revolution” brings with it some negative connotations for Magik. Words are scary. So be more sympathetic, you out-of-control hotheaded asshole. She’s sympathetic; she used to be terrified and unwilling and meek. And things got better.

She flips her sword around menacingly, scaring the children. “When I was younger I would say to myself: What I wouldn’t give to live a normal life. But we’re not – none of us in this room will ever have ‘normal’. Because we are to be punished for being different? No.”

Eva knows what the answer here is: “Because there is no normal.”

Frost crosses her arms approvingly. “She’s the smart one.”

Still not sitting well for Fabio!

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Corn dogs! Corn dogs corn dogs corn dogs!!!

Fabio makes a good point, though. He doesn’t want to drop his whole life and never see his family again. Christopher doesn’t understand this, probably because he was beaten and tortured and hanged and impaled as a child, but he has nothing that he wants to return to. Fabio thinks this is depressing. Eva wants to stay, but she does want to at least say goodbye to her family. And tell them she’s ok. And tell them what’s going on. And get her toothbrush. And her underwear.

Scott says NO! “The authorities will be looking for you. They will be at your home. Interrogating your family.” In short, no underwear for you, young lady.

The kids start to get uneasy with being around Scott Summers. Eva wonders if this guy even understands what she wants to do, especially if her mother would be in danger because of her.

Emma Frost brings a touch of bedside manner and offers the kids, whoever wants it, help seeing their family again. All of them will help. That means you too, Magnet Face.

Scott concedes, and I think part of his problem was that he didn’t want to take the 900-hour flight to Eva’s native Australia. Good thing we got Magik, who has portals like that video game Portal without the portal guns!

They all get ready to hop through space and time. Scott asks Eric Magneto Clapton if he’s coming along, and with a wry smile Magneto tells him to have fun. He has errands to run…

SUSPICIOUS?? Yes!

This trip to Australia has bought Magneto time to do some treason. He pulls out a phone and invites someone over while they’re gone. For some sexy times.

The X-Men group are in Coast City, Australia, headed toward Eva’s house. Benjamin doesn’t like that the portal took them through Hell and back, literally, but Magik flirts with him and these two are going to get their bone on soon.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Is that a promise?

Scott tries to keep the group together and have them stay calm and guarded, but Eva breaks away and yells for her mom at the house. They hug, Eva’s mom thought she was dead, the police said she was kidnapped, there are many tears, and Aspergers Face Scott Summers saunters up to the both of them and makes chit-chat about mutants.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group gets ambushed by a group of ne’er-do-wells descending from their aircraft. Some real hooligans. I even recognize some of them!

Captain America, Iron Man, Hulk, Hawkeye, Black Widow… and the rest!

”AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!” screams the dumb one (Cap).

Final Thoughts

Oh Jesus fucking Christ, get the hell out of my X-Men comic book. I’ve seen enough of you guys lately!

I hate it when the Avengers assemble!


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The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 4 – “Conduit”

The X-Files

“Mulder becomes obsessed with solving a case that closely parallels an ‘encounter’ he experienced as a child.“

Uh huh. And was this ‘encounter’ related to Uncle Handsy being just a little too bold after drinking five glasses of cheap wine at Thanksgiving?

A campfire near a lake. A daughter and son are sleeping outside under the stars while mom stirs in the bed in their camper. Suddenly, the camper starts trembling and shaking! Earthquake! But not just any earthquake, it’s one of those earthquakes where the lights get really bright and there’s an obvious alien abduction happening! Long story short, Daughter gets abducted right in front of Son’s eyeballs and he calls for his mom in what I can only describe as “bad acting”.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 4 - Conduit

NOOO!! WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE TAKEN MEEEEE??!

This sounds like a File. A File to file under X!

In her direct superior’s office, I think, one of her direct superiors, I think, tells Scully that Mulder requested to open up a new case linked to a “TEENAGER STOLEN BY ALIENS” tabloid. Scully thinks that this is strange even for Mulder, and that guy is so strange that he eats Cheerios with a fork. She is handed an old file related to the disappearance of one Samantha T. Mulder. Foxy Boy’s sister. The reason for ALL OF THIS. All of it ever. It’s because of this.

It’s not news to Scully. Mulder told her that she disappeared 21 years ago, when Mulder was 8, and it happened right in front of him. Scully is asked if Mulder’s connection creates a conflict of interest with his casework, and Scully, on the record, says no.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 4 - Conduit

It’s all starting to come together, Mulder. Your obsession with aliens. Your unstoppable determination. Your wooden acting.

Grrr, though! Grrr! Scully confronts her dear partner and asks what the fuck he’s doing now. Opening a case based on the Weekly World News? Are you mad, gurl? Mad like a Fox! Did I already make that joke? You won’t hear the last of that.

Mulder pulls out the ol’ slideshow with spaceships and UFOs and newspaper clippings and, eventually, forces Scully to come to Sioux City, Iowa with him so they can harass some grieving family members and look at some corn. Debbie Morris is the woman’s name, and having her daughter kidnapped by supernatural beings is the woman’s game. She introduces the FBI agents to her loathsome son Kevin, who pouts at the dining room table. Mulder stares creepily at the table and wall full of family photos.

During a conversation with Debbie, Mulder brings up the summer of 1967 where Debbie’s name is on record on the study for UFO sightings. She was interviewed as a witness to an event in the same area of the campsite. “They took her, didn’t they Mr. Mulder?” she says with these giant eyeballs.

Kevin sits in front of a TV turned to static while he draws a bunch of 1s and 0s on a piece of paper. When Mulder asks what he’s doing, Kevin just points at the TV and says “it’s coming from there”. Spooky!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 4 - Conduit

Hey. I think this might be “Bohemian Rhapsody”!

Mulder goes to the Binary Numbers Translation Lab and waits six to eight weeks for an answer. In the meantime, he talks to the sheriff of Sioux City and gets his side of the story. Here’s his side: aliens aren’t real, Debbie Morris is a lunatic, the police didn’t find anything, and go fuck yourself sir. Mulder wipes his dick on his desk and leaves the office.

Outside the precinct, the duo finds a note on their windshield that asks them to follow a woman into the library. There, they encounter a classmate who’s being all shifty and coy like she think she cute; she tells Scully and Mulder that Ruby (the abductee, mind you) was planning on meeting her boyfriend, Greg, that night to run away. Greg is a big mean biker guy who is probably 40 years older than Ruby.

At the biker bar full of men and women wearing Harley-Davidson shirts and listening to the Allman Brothers, the burly and beefy bartender tells the duo that Greg is an asshole and that, if they see him, tell him he’s fired! Mulder changes the subject because the bartender has a stupid UFO tattoo on his arm. He pretends he doesn’t believe in that poppycock, which makes the bartender offer Mulder a ride on his hog someday to go check out some shit that’ll change his mind bro! Then he pulls back his hair and reveals a burned, mangled ear.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 4 - Conduit

Check it out! Happened at Woodstock ’69!

They spend the night at a $2 hotel. Some NSA agents bust into Scully’s room at 3am looking for Mulder. In his own hotel room, Mulder is hella shirtless with a placid look on his face. The NSA agents show him the page of 1s and 0s that Mulder got from Kevin, and he plays stupid about. Mulder tells them that NSA can’t boss him around, only his own boss can boss him around! This makes the NSA agents sigh and then admit that the 1s and 0s come from a defense satellite transmission, which takes Mulder aback. The agents want to know how the FUCK he got this information, or else there will be fists to the pretty face! But then they’re interrupted by a call and they leave.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 4 - Conduit

Here are my permits to be shirtless. I think you’ll find everything to be in order here.

How did Kevin get this info in the first place? What’s going on? Well, these NSA agents ransack the 8-year-old’s bedroom like he’s some kind of international terrorist and Mulder wants to go over there and tear them some new, fresh buttholes. NSA drags Debbie and Kevin into their car to take them downtown to waterboard them and take pictures of their naked bodies for the Internet.

Scully and Mulder examine the kid’s bedroom themselves after the house is empty, and Mulder spots the camper outside the bedroom window with a charred roof. He leaves to go check it out and he fondles the soot for a bit.

The Binary Numbers Translation Unit has finished their work! The 1s and 0s are a bunch of different files: a model of a DNA double helix, a sound file of Bach, lines from the Quran, lines from Shakespeare, and much, much more of the kind of stuff we shoot out into space to try to make alien contact.

The duo catch up with the Morrises at the Pentagon and Debbie is super pissed. Thanks for helping and everything, now my son’s butthole has been thoroughly inspected by 45 men. That’s completely cool and rad.

MULDER IS NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. They travel back to Sioux City with the intent to look for more dang evidence to show that Kevin is the link between the aliens and the people that aren’t aliens. A conduit, if you will. Scully confronts him about his so-called “abducted sister” bias, but he won’t listen. Time to check out the campground, bitch.

Charred trees, sand turned to glass, a charred camper? It’s gotta be pretty fucking hot to do all that, Scully. Hotter than even Mulder himself, and he’s a dish.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 4 - Conduit

The scenery would be beautiful if it weren’t ruined by the dipshit in the background.

Next, Mulder chases some wolves into the forest for fun. Then he fires his weapon in the air, adding even more paperwork to his large desk pile. He suspects that the wolves were surrounding a makeshift grave covered in rocks, which he proceeds to clear out even though it’s an active crime scene and it’s very likely against the rules to move some rocks around. It’s on Page 7 of the FBI manual, actually.

Scully asks him to stop. He doesn’t stop. “What if it’s her?” he says, and Scully can’t disagree. The local police later exhumes the body and it’s confirmed by the sheriff to be Ruby’s boyfriend Greg. Mulder discovers a note in his wallet that says “Dr. Jack Fowler – Aug. 7, 2:30”. The handwriting matches the note the girl left on their windshield! Pieces are coming together! Allegedly! Time to find out why Greg needed to meet up with Dr. Jack “Me Off” Fowler.

They detain the library girl, Tessa, and start questioning her. She’s pregnant, Greg is the father, she waived the right to an attorney, and she needs to start talking NOW. Mulder tricks Tessa into admitting that she was down by the lake on the day Greg died. She’s a suspect. Scully thinks she may have also killed Ruby, but Mulder still says it’s ALIENS ALIENS ALIENS! This is the point where Scully has had enough and, as usual, suggests they need to go home and forget about all this shit. Especially since he’s obviously motivated by his damn sister. Always with the sister.

BACK AT THE MORRIS HOUSE, which is empty, Mulder finds the TV turned on to static. Scully finds a whistling teapot on the stove. The living room floor is carpeted with pages of 1s and 0s. Upstairs, overlooking the first floor, Scully can see that the pages form the face of Ruby.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 4 - Conduit

Ahh, when you’re in a college dorm and you’re too poor to afford a poster.

BACK TO THE LAKE IN THE WOODS. Goddamn, you guys. Back and forth and back and forth on the taxpayer’s dime. It’s the middle of the night. Mulder and Scully find Debbie and Kevin in the woods, with the latter moseying toward a very orange light in the trees. Only Mulder is witnessing this, since Scully never sees anything… but there’s nothing to see. The orange light is just the headlights of a biker gang passing through woopin’ and hollerin’. Kevin insists that Ruby is somewhere in the woods, but Mulder tries to tell him that his sister is gone.

Elsewhere, Scully yells for Mulder because she and Debbie discover Ruby’s comatose body. Later, in the hospital, nothing in the biopsy suggests foul play, but Mulder namedrops a couple of medical nonsense words representing chemicals absent from Ruby’s body that point to prolonged weightlessness in an alien craft. Scully confirms the absence of the medical nonsense words. Ruby wakes up disoriented. Mulder pulls Debbie aside and encourages her to let Ruby talk about all those aliens. Debbie is like “get the hell out of here you weirdo”

“The truth has caused me nothing but heartache. I don’t want the same for her,” Debbie says of Ruby. Mulder is disappointed. He ain’t getting any closure today, son.

The episode ends with Scully going over the Missing Sister case file. She listens to a cassette tape of Mulder hypnosis sessions where he recounts the night in that bedroom. Meanwhile, Mulder cries in a church while holding up a photo of Samantha.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 4 - Conduit

My theory is that she faked her own abduction to get back at her brother for flinging peas at her head during dinnertime.

“…the voice in my head.”
“What is the voice telling you.”
“Not to be afraid. It’s telling me no harm will come to her, and that one day she’ll return.”
“Do you believe that voice?”
“…I want to believe.”

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 5 — “Jersey Devil”
Scully and Mulder travel to Newark to catch a New Jersey Devils vs. Philadelphia Flyers game. Mulder gets hit in the teeth by the puck.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 19: “Shadow’s Waiting”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Shadar Logoth. SHADAR LOGOTH. SHAH DARR LOW GOTH. This city is huge, full of buildings that are bigger than other buildings. Buildings as far as the eye can see, covered in domes and tons of windows and filled with elevators.

Before the buds hit the town and trip the light fantastic, Mat mentions his discomfort with saying an ancient Manetheren war cry. It was as if someone possessed him and used his face and mouth in a manner without consent! Thom the Gleeman slaps him silly; tells him that possession is real and the topic should not be taken lightly. It’s a good thing they have this knowledgeable gleeman around with his 14 mustaches.

At this point, much to Rand’s hesitation, the kids start exploring the ruined city. I know I keep using the word “kids”, because for all I know these three are 22 years old. After spending quite a bit of time bouncing around different, like, old stadiums and malls and video arcades, they find a man waiting in the shadows by a building that I picture as the Pantheon. He tells these whipper-snappers that his name is Mordeth (which is a fucking alarming name by any stretch of the imagination) and that he found treasure in the Pantheon. Mat’s all “oh boy oh boy!” and follows him into the building. Rand and Perrin follow reluctantly. Rand finds the man odd in a manner that he can’t quite put his finger on.

Eventually, after PLUMBING THE DEPTHS, they come to a very large room that does indeed hold an immense amount of treasure. Coins and baubles and ancient swords and pirate chests and rubies and sapphires. It’s trope-y as hell, but they get excited. When Mordeth asks them who they are, Mat bursts like a fucking fountain of verbal diarrhea and, in about two sentences, tells him everything about who they are and what they’re doing. Name dropping “Tar Valon” scares this Mordeth guy to high heaven. Rand finally pinpoints Mordeth’s oddity: he has no shadow. In this chamber full of sconces with torches, this guy doesn’t cast shadow ONE. Rand points this out, and Mordeth gets scary! He grows to fill the chamber, intending to kill the lot… but he’s still scared and disappears through a crack in the wall like a wisp of smoke. Thoroughly unsettled, the three break into a run and don’t stop into they’re well out of the Pantheon-type building.

I must’ve liked this chapter! My details are very detailed, you might say. Later, when they’re back in the safety of the shielded building where the group has set up camp, Moiraine explains that Mordeth was a man who caused the collapse of City Formally Known as Aridhol (and now SHAH DARR LOW GOTH). He is able to steal souls and be born anew in the victim’s body. So that’s fucked up.

Lan returns from scoping out the city and reports that Trollocs and Myrddraal have infiltrated the city. Even though Mordeth and similar creepy crawley Shadow entities are terrified of daylight, the group must venture out in the dead of night to the river to escape the not-afraid-of-the-dark Trollocs and Myrddraal who are not bufferred by Moiraine’s special wards on the building. They are, however, terrified of water.

To the river they go. Will they make it? Of course they will, but the next chapter will assuredly be full of nighttime creepy crawleys and Trolloc fights. Prepare to be slightly bored.


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Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Cherish Is the Word I Use – To Destroy You!”

* Part 3 of 7 of the REDemption storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Cherish Is the Word I Use – To Destroy You”! These titles are atrocious and I’m about ready to punch a hole through my comic book…on my computer screen. In the previous installment, there’s an unexplained and rather inane flashback where a flight attendant hits on Jason Todd while he’s on his way to Hong Kong, then he fights a fat lady in Hong Kong, then he flies to the Himalayan Mountains to be sad at Ducra. Then he beats up some zombies and the rest of his team joins in. At first he didn’t really like these two, but they’ve grown on him in the last three days.

It’s dumb. Let’s keep going!

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [January, 2012]
Written by: Scott Lobdell
“Cherish Is the Word I Use – To Destroy You!”

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Cover art. Jason Todd puts on his Robin suit and starts fighting as Robin? K.

SOMEWHERE IN THE HIMALAYAS IN THE CHAMBER OF ALL. There’s a really gross, small, bald, half-naked baby-faced man sitting with resplendent decadence on some very fluffy pillows and surrounded by hookahs. He looks like he has a harem of 400 women who hate having to fuck this weird 4’ tall man-child adorned in jewelry. I hate how he looks. He looks like he smells bad.

“The little guy here is called S’aru the Proctor,” Todd narrates for us, the captive audience, “Don’t be fooled by his boyish demeanor. S’aru is over four millennia old. Thereabouts.”

Sounds like an awful existence. I’d want to die by the age of 200.

Jason is lucky he was allowed to get within ten feet of this guy. Especially since he has a very big gun, too. Typically, the All-Caste keeps everything and everyone away. Up until a half hour ago, that is. The All-Caste were slain by the Untitled. I still don’t know what either of those things are, so I’m unaffected. Let’s get back to jailbait over here.

“He’s so gonna shoot this kid – you watch,” Roy whispers to Starfire. She tells him to zip it.

Jason Todd narrates and introduction of the three of them again like it’s Issue #1. It ain’t Issue #1. Here’s Issue #1. Don’t bother clicking that.

He’s not here for revenge, at least not yet. What he’s here for is figuring out what the Untitled want so badly as to eliminate the All-Caste in one fell swoop. Also, since Jason was trained by the All-Caste, he feels like… well, revenge is such a strong word ain’t it? I guess you were right.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Not at all. I just wanted to comment on how stunningly gorgeous you look today, my liege.

“Fine,” says Sa’ru as he lifts a finger and produces some blue whispiness, “but I’m responsible for holding onto your most cherished memories as collateral. You can have them back – if you return.”

And, lo’, S’aru takes their most cherished memories. Jason Todd getting reamed by Batman. Koriand’r winning her 7th grade spelling bee. Roy Harper eating a huge pile of McDonald’s hamburgers. “Behind that door,” S’aru points to a door, “everything awaits.” He says this about the door. The door he points to. They have to go through the door now.

“Take a deep breath and hold it,” Todd says about his companions that also went through the door after he went through the door. “The Chamber of All can be a little overwhelming at times.”

Yeah, that’s a fucking understatment. The room looks like a M.C. Escher Clown Circus. “This is your old stomping ground, huh?” Roy asks, looking around in every direction. “No wonder you’re so screwed in the head.”

Yes, yes, ha ha. Jason explains that this place has twisty paths that can lead you anywhere and any time in history that you want to go to. The problem is that he has no idea where or when he’s supposed to go to. Per the Ducra, just start walking somewhere. Good advice. The other two are less than reassured.

Back outside the nexus, as the nightmare room is called, S’aru lazily juggles the three memories in his hand and becomes quite curious at its contents. You mean after four millennia these three blowjobs are interesting enough to breach some rules. Go suck a lemon.

Hmm, well, he’ll just look into Koriand’r’s. She’s an alien so it’s not really against the rules. Maybe there’s some sex stuff in hers, that’s always fun. It takes a while to penetrate the orb, but he eventually succeeds and sees a poor little sad slave girl in shackles trudging through some mud. The most cherished of memories!

A PRISON RUN BY THE CITADEL, CONQUERORS OF THE PLANET TAMARAN. We’re going to see a young Starfire really fuck some shit up, I think. Hoo boy! Buckle up!

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3

HEY, YOU! What did we say about splushing?!

A giant blue beast with a giant orange gun tells her to get up after she falls like a damsel in distress. “I was a pod your age once,” he says, likely feigning sympathy. “You should be running free, young princess. I am sorry on behalf of all my people.”

Sounds good, I’m all muddy and sore, but thank you for your sympathy. That and a quarter will buy me a horsey ride at Target. “DROP DEAD YOU SANCTIMONIOUS PUSS,” Koriand’r shouts while shoving her fist in his chest. A bright, magenta light emanates from his chest. His eyes shoot bright beams like headlights. He looks like he’s screaming, but you can’t hear comic books you silly goose! Come on, now.

A few similar beasts step forward and warn her to keep still else ya get a face full of gun bullets.

The end! The memory fades away and S’aru is left with his own thoughts. And it looks like he’s not used to that. “Urp. That was… disturbing. That was her most cherished memory?” he asks with an expression of uneasiness. “Just how screwed up is this trio?”

Ha! Me likey. Back in the chamber, they come across what Todd was looking for. Presumably. The three of them enter a cavern with a lavish walkway. At the end is a pedestal with a glowing artifact. Just like a video game. Scott Lobdell’s inspirations are paper thin.

“How do you know that is what the Untitled who slayed your friends left here, or even why?” Starfire asks, and she’s dumb if she expects a real answer.
“They’re taunting me – leaving bread crumbs I’m sure I’m meant to follow.”

See?

Starfire has a bad feeling about this and urges her companions to get the hell out of here. This is a setup. Roy Harper disagrees, and although he doesn’t want S’aru tonguing his memories invasively, he thinks Starfire is overreacting.

I should start calling Roy by his “superhero” name (and I use the term loosely) so that I can try to start remembering it for reasons that aren’t actually clear to me right now. It’s Arsenal. Jason Todd is Red Hood, that one should be easy to remember! And they’re all Outlaws! Now we’re all on the same page.

Anyway… sure enough, with a SPL-TANG, dozens of jagged, razor-sharp spikes pop up from the floor in a mess of crazy angles. Arsenal and Red Hood hang on, unharmed, to two particularly big ones. It’s up to Koriand’r to scope things out and figure out what’s going on. She’ll put those 7th grade spelling bee skills to good use, I’m sure.

The jagged spikes are actually on the head and back of an enormous, and gross, monster creature. It’s sickly green with green eyes, a head shaped like an Astro Boy Jabba the Hut, a twisty green tongue, and it has large fangs. It looks like MY WIFE, AHH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! gets handed divorce papers

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Ah, so this replaces the one where you humped a toilet at age 14 so that the cum goes right in the toilet? Are you sure?

They fight and make their various “witticisms” (and I use the term loosely).

“Untongue me, creature!” Starfire yells after it wraps its awful tongue around her. I think Arsenal heard the same thing the other day. Then it tries to eat here. And then I’m pretty sure it does.

We’ll return to our regularly scheduled programming after this. S’aru continues to reek of boredom and decides to pry into Roy Harper’s toilet-jack-off memory. What’s the harm? He already broke one rule. What are they gonna do about it? Kick him out of the Chamber of All? Pfft.

Roy is in a fist fight with a big crocodile on two legs. It’s wearing slacks. They’re exchanging uppercuts and noogity noogs. Roy drops something red and it breaks, I don’t know what it is. The crocodile is wearing slacks.

“S’at all you got?” Roy slurs as he gets beaten up worse than the crocodile.
“Enough boy!” yells the lizard. “Why won’t you stay down?!”

And the answer to that is all “I’m Roy Harper”! And he’s bleeding profusely like a geek.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Don’t wriggle out of this one, Lacoste. You started it!

The crocodile stops. He realizes that Roy Harper wants to die, but he’s too much of a chickenshit to stick his head in the oven, or jump off a bridge, or put rocks in his pockets like Virginia Woolf and walk out into the river. Roy Harper calls it a genius move!

“No,” the crocodile (wearing slacks) responds as he tenderly holds Roy’s shoulders, “‘genius’ would be to pull your head out of your butt and figure out how to get on with your life, Harper.”

“Is this really how you want it all to end? Beaten to death on a rooftop in Hell’s Kitchen?” Croc continues. I mean… fuck yeah? By a crocodile? Wearing slacks? That sounds pretty cool.

The reason for Harper’s suicide ideation is that he lost all his shares in Q-Core, and I don’t know what that is but he must have had quite a lot of shares. Enough to kill himself like it’s 1929 or some shit.

Anyway, what a touching moment. I wonder if S’aru is barfing up his 4000-year-old stomach.

After assuring Harper that would love to snap the guy in half at a moment’s notice, he tells Harper to do his own dirty work. “You want to kill yourself? Leave me out of it.”

He’s still holding onto Roy Harper in a nice, warm, cold-blooded embrace. “For a monster…” Roy says woozily, “…you’re not such a bad guy.”

“YOU WON’T THINK OF THAT NEXT TIME WE MEET.”

And…. scene.

I predict that Jason Todd’s precious memory is going to be when Batman tells him that’s proud of him. sniff Batman was always like the dad he never murdered.

Oh my god, S’aru isn’t puking. He actually finds this memory kind of sweet. He has this hazy, smiley look about him. Like 4,000 years of being alive hasn’t made him irrecoverably jaded for some reason.

But he still calls it pathetic. Because even skinny, baby-faced, shirtless, immortal beings gotta get their jabs in one way or another.

Meanwhile, Roy is miffed that this giant, spiky turd-shaped monster ate the hot one, so he’s going to try to save her. “She’ll be ok,” Red Hood assures his pathetic jack-off-memory friend, “Just keep aiming those arrows.”

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Visit Colorado! They have a barn!

While havoc continues being wreaked and the room around them continues being crazy and the large, fat monster continues glorping and glooping, Red Hood scales the stalactite-y remnant of a pillar where the pedestal with the glowing artifact sits. He’s almost there…. Almost… he’s gonna make it… just… a… few… more… feet… and…

A snowglobe! A St. Elsewhere snowglobe! Advertising Colorado? Why, that’s one of the most rectangular of the states! The United States!

Roy continues trying to bust Starfire out of the monster’s belly, but she doesn’t need him. She does it herself. “Those were unacceptable accommodations for a princess,” she says while the monster cries in pain from exploded stomach syndrome. And then they boogie on out of there. Roy discusses being emasculated by not being able to actually help, so this is the point where I finally make a decision that Roy sucks. I know, I know, should’ve been a long time ago.

The trio hath boogied. S’aru is quite surprised to see them back, I’m positive that he expected these three to get smeared across the floor like peanut butter on a cracker! And that sounds pretty good right now! So hand back over those sexy, sexy memories!

Before that happens, Red Hood has some questions that need answering! Namely “what the fuck is this snowglobe for, Baldy?” And S’aru does not know. And he hands back over the memories.

Red Hood is salty. He doesn’t want his memory back.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #3

I don’t need it where I’m going: Chuck E. Cheese! Time to make some new kickass memories!

Hey, we end with a scene over at Wayne Manor! Looks like a flashback, perhaps a great memory, of Jason Todd’s stint as Robin. Alfred asks Bruce for some help; Robin has the flu and he looks sad. He’s all geared up and ready to go patrolling with Buddy Batman, but Alfred doesn’t find his involvement in the night’s festivities reasonable. Smack some sense into that kid, Brucey!

Pffft, FUCK you Alfred. Bruce Wayne says he’s coming along, flu or no flu. 105 degree temperature or no 105 degree temperature. Prolapsed anus or… you get the picture. Just kidding! Sit this one out. There will be many more days of clown hunting and penguin snatching and sewer diving. Promise.

“Yes, sir. Hmph.”

So Jason is holed up in the manor with a very red alcoholic’s nose. Oh wait, that’s right, he’s sick. Alfred comes into the room to comfort him, but he doesn’t wanna hear anything that THE BUTLER has to say!

Then a maskless Batman (it’s Bruce Wayne, spoiler alert) enters the room. “Taking a night off once in a while isn’t a crime, Jason,” Bruce says, cozying up next to the 10-year-old on the couch. “So, what are we watching?” he says as they both settle down for an evening of Shasta McNasty on UPN! Look it up.

Jason rests his head on his hero’s shoulder.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, those new Chuck E. Cheese memories are a good replacement! Jason made the right call.


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To the Bone (2017)

Tagline:
Don’t fade away.

Wide Release Date:
July 14, 2017

Directed by:
Marti Noxon
Written by:
Marti Noxon
Produced by:
Bonnie Curtis, Karina Miller, Julie Lynn

Starring:
Lily Collins
Keanu Reeves
Carrie Preston
Lili Taylor
Alex Sharp
Liana Liberato

To the Bone

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I know nothing about this movie. No context, no preconceived notions, no thoughts going in. I was scanning Netflix and I jumped right in. I barely even know what it’s about. Lily Collins is cute. Let’s go.

To the Bone - Susan's Cake

I found your cure for anorexia! A big fucking hamburger cake.

THE 450(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Ellen (Lily Collins) has anorexia. It’s affecting her health and her relationship with her terrified family. She’s a 20 year old artist who dropped out of college, and previous psychotherapy methods, inpatient programs, and attempts to force food down her gullet haven’t worked. Her stepmother Susan (Carrie Preston) doesn’t want her around the house, so she signs her up for yet another inpatient program led by Dr. Beckham (Keanu Reeves). He, as you might imagine, is VERY believable as a fucking specialty doctor.

In the program Ellen goes! She is surrounded by depressed young women and teenagers with eating disorders, plus one flamboyant dude named Luke (Alex Sharp) who exists to trick the audience into thinking he might be gay and inspired by Ellen’s art only to find out later that he’s, of course, in love with Ellen and will make a rather rude move on her later. Luke is very outgoing and appoints himself as the savior of the other program’s patients; trying to motivate and bring out the best in everyone and all that garbage.

To the Bone - Luke's Chocolate

Come on, Ellen. Eat the poop! Ellen! Eat the poop!

Ellen’s dad is not present in the movie, perhaps because he doesn’t want to be involved in his ailing daughter’s life, so there’s no surprise when he doesn’t show up to family therapy. Her mother Judy (Lili Taylor), who abandoned Ellen almost two years ago, is there with her lesbian partner. Ellen’s step-mother and younger sister is there too. The family therapy session goes extremely poorly! It is revealed later that some artwork Ellen posted online motivated a girl to commit suicide, which prrrroooobably didn’t help Ellen’s mental health.

As the movie goes on, Ellen eats less and less even though she starts bonding with the other patients and warming up to Luke. Dr. Beckham makes a point to tell Ellen that her name doesn’t suit her, which prompts her to unofficially change her name to Eli. I was going to call this reference to Elliot Page, but this predates that and I’m quite wrong. In any case, this is the only time that Ellen/Eli shows any type of gender fluidity and it isn’t expanded upon whatsoever later in the movie. It felt tacked on. Because it was.

Following the aforementioned rude move that Luke makes, Eli loses that gained trust. Then another patient named Megan has a miscarriage due to excessive purging. That’s also mentally debilitating, and Eli runs away from the home to return to her mother’s house. There’s a weird scene where her mother rocks her while feeding her from a bottle that I’d rather not remember anymore.

To the Bone - Ellen's Hallucination

Yo, Ellen, that’s not your bed. You missed it by about 850 yards.

Eli takes a walk that night and passes out from malnutrition. She has dreams and visions of kissing Luke and seeing her dead, naked, emaciated body from high up in a tree. Waking up from this terrifying hallucination breathes new life into her, and she agrees to continue her treatment.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — These Women Aren’t Skinny Enough

Oh, go fuck yourself. I’m not here to display some sort of misogynistic societal view of the unhealthy, unrealistic standard the Western world places on women’s bodies. I’m here to say these women aren’t skinny enough! See what I mean? Of course you do.

Maybe that’s unfair and short-sighted, right? Maybe a movie about anorexia shouldn’t have its actors become legitimately anorexic in order to maintain the realism. Maybe this is a bad topic and I’ll move on from it.

To the Bone - Ellen

Sorry, Lily Collins. I didn’t mean to request that you had dropped an additional 30 pounds for the role. It won’t happen again. Say hi to Phil Collins for me.

TOPIC 2 — Fuck the Romance Plot

God, this is the literal worst. Why on Earth can’t it just be a platonic relationship? That would’ve been cute. That would’ve been nice. A young man can still care about a young woman without wanting to bone her. Bone her To the Bone! Why couldn’t it be a movie about Ellen’s physical and mental struggles and just leave it at that?

I could tell the story was leading to Luke eventually making an inappropriate move. I knew it when she first met him. I could see it in his eye twinkle and his ugly British teeth. The movie was decent enough until the cheesy Rain Room scene, which kicked off the nagging feeling that we were starting to phone it in and focus more on the needless romance subplot instead of the main eating disorder stuff. It’s almost a slap in the face to the overall message the movie was presenting: that anorexia is a serious problem with serious psychological implications to the sufferer and his/her family members. In a movie that passes the Bechdel test 80 times, why shoehorn this shit in with one out of only two male characters? Which brings me to the next topic:

TOPIC 3 — Keanu Reeves

It’s so strange to me that the people involved with writing and directing To the Bone decided that a no-nonsense male specialist with altruistic intentions, the second of the two male characters, should be the savior. In a house full of women, no one drives Ellen to reach her full potential other than Dr. Beckham and Luke. The women barely even try! Well, her mother tries by feeding her breast milk, but I don’t count that as anything worthwhile or sane.

Keanu Reeves’ character speaks entirely in hollow platitudes and trite motivational tactics. There may as well have been a scene where he sits backwards in his chair to “rap” and then tells Ellen that she needs to tell the nagging voice inside her to fuck off if it tries to tell her to keep being anorexic. Ha ha, wait, yeah, that scene basically happened anyway.

I guess it just sucks that this character couldn’t be a woman. There’s nothing really to gain in 2017 by schlepping a narrative where the older, wise man saves the troubled, young woman. I hate it. Get Kathy Bates in there telling Ellen to straighten up a fly right. Now there’s a movie!

To the Bone - Dr. Beckham

Whoa.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Lily Collins and Marti Noxon suffered from an eating disorder in the past.
I’d suffer an eating disorder too if my dad was Phil Fucking Collins. I’d do it on purpose.

Lily Collins worked closely with a nutritionist both during filming, and for several months afterwards, to ensure her health during her weight loss and subsequent weight gain.
I wonder if Christian Bale worked closely with a nutritionist when he became a skeleton for The Machinist? It probably went a little something like this:

Nutritionist: punch

Netflix bought the film for 8 million dollars.
Yeah, and thanks for doubling my subscription cost over the last four years, you pieces of shit.

Lili Taylor and Brooke Smith were both on Six Feet Under together.
Uh huh. Looks like we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here already. Moving on.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

To the Bone is rife with problems. I personally wouldn’t recommend it unless you’re really interested in a vapid love story disguised as an insightful mental illness awareness story.

Plus, that breast milk feeding scene? That was fucking weird, man.

To the Bone - Breast Milk

Hmmm. Maybe I should’ve just eaten the poop.


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