Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #8 – “Zodiac (Part 8)”

* Part 8 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #8 – “Zodiac (Part 8)”! After a lot of pain and torture, we have reached the end of the storyline. In the previous installment, there’s a lot of fighting between the Badoon and the Avengers/Guardians. Like, a lot of fighting. And a lot of panels were full of this nebulous art. I honestly didn’t know what the fuck was going on.

Here’s the CliffsNotes version: none of the Avengers died in the vacuum of space (sadly). A whole bunch of Badoons died, but that was just one military ship. They have 779 more. Also, Thanos shows up at the end and he’s very translucent and glittery.

Behold, the final installment. Then I’m moving onto something else god dangit.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #8 [December, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 8)”

Thanos is very translucent and glittery, as previously mentioned. Our able-bodied Avengers and Guardians teams stare up at the dude with their “oh for the glorious love of fuck” faces.

“I’m no expert, but that looks exactly like Thanos, except bigger and cosmic-er. And it looks like he figured out how to work the Cosmic Cube he stole,” says Hawkeye, talking out of turn when nobody asked him to. As usual.

Thor is going to swoop up there and try some stuff. Don’t attempt to stop him, else you get a face full of Super Mallet. Let Thor do Thor’s thing!

Captain America shakes a finger in Thor’s face, attempting to stop him. Thor gives Captain America a direct order to return to Earth and alert the other members of the Asgardian branch of the Get Rid of Slimy Girls club. Now who’s talking out of turn! Cap refuses.

Iron Man tells Cap to stuff it and let him go. He has a plan and he doesn’t need Thor anyway, so let him cavort like an idiot in deep space around Big Cosmic Thanos.

Here’s my plan: First, I start thinking about coming up with a plan. Next, I work on coming up with a plan. Hopefully Thor will be dead by then.

Here’s Stark’s real plan: send all this info to Reed Richards and hope that he does something about it so that Stark can go eat at T.G.I.Fridays. They have a special on that Jack Daniels barbecue appetizer combo!

Meanwhile, Thor is revving up to hit the giant, ethereal wisp of nothing in front of him. The Cube is spinning within Thanos’ chest.

“I have the blueprint files on the Cosmic Cube that Thanos stole from Earth,” Stark points to the spinning cube on his high-tech hologram screen while Captain America drools heavily on his bib, “Remember, this Cosmic Cube is man-made. This Cosmic Cube is an American-made–”

He doesn’t get to finish his USA dick-sucking sentence. Thor’s electrified hammer-blast hits square on the Cube (I suppose it doesn’t hit x², right? Only x³), which doesn’t work very well. It just redirects Thanos’ attention to the Ship of Fools and he starts powering up his Cube Gun.

“Okay, I’ll need my ship back now,” Quill says nervously.
“Yeah, time to go!” Raccoon Man adds in. Stark tells him to wait, but who died and made him boss? Joseph “Dead Guy” Biden?

(Editor’s Note: As of this writing, Joe Biden’s not dead. But if he is by the time you read this, then lol)

Thanos spends about 750 pages powering up his Cube like a super saiyan from Super Saiyan 2: Attack of the Super Saiyan. I’m just super sayin’, is all.

You’re stalling, Reed! Get me Tony Stark! You are but a poop stain on the bottom of his poop-stained socks, you Fantastic Piece of Shit!

I forgot that the Avengers were talking to the President of the United States of America (Washington D.C. branch) about all the hoo-hah. I love these situations where some knowledgeable types are talking to the President and the guy is just like “I DON’T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS, BUT GET IT DONE! WHAT ARE OUR OPTIONS? NO MATTER, JUST GET IT DONE! WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ANY OF THIS, I’M THE PRESIDENT DAMNIT! I SHOULD BE STEALING NUCLEAR DOCUMENTS AND STORING THEM UNDERGROUND AT MY GOLF COURSE WITH MY DEAD EX-WIFE!”

Unfortunately, your best buddy in the whole world Tony Stark has lost contact with Reed Richards. Sorry. Maybe a space goblin ate him.

The president is getting very impatient. He’s a cunt hair away from sending a heat-seeking missile to Richards’ pretty face, but then the situation gets dire. Too dire to explode the messenger. “Sir, I think it’s time to initiate your extinction-level event alert systems. I’m not sure what good it will do, but–”

SON! ARE YOU WHACKED OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN? I MAY AS WELL USE MARBLES TO PAY FOR TACO BELL AT THE DRIVE-THRU. I’M NOT SURE WHAT GOOD IT WILL DO. MAYBE I’LL CLEAN MY WIFE’S WHITE SILK BLOUSE WITH KETCHUP AND MONKEY SPERM. I’M NOT SURE WHAT GOOD IT WILL DO, BUT–

Yeah, so, the President’s Situation Room is a festival of shocked grimaces now. Reed Richards always kills the buzz.

Whatever blast was happening while Thanos was going super saiyan (and looking like the ugliest orgasm in the universe was overtaking him), the Avengers/Guardians scrambled away in their ship. At least, it seems like it at first. Now the ship is stalling, but at least they’ve avoided Mr. Bubble with the Cube for now. They all try to gather their bearings while Hawkeye wonders where Thor went.

Of course. Certainly. They’re in the Cancerverse. Why not?

It was a catchier name than “Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pit”, but just as horribly unhealthy.

“Rocket, can you reboot this ship and get it going?” Stark asks.
“Reboot it like a shitty comic series? GLADLY!” he says. Just kidding. But he should have.

Tony Stark is going to turn this boat around and try for Round 2. Maybe they can pick up the pieces of Thor along the way as well, if they have time.

“We’ve been banished to a hostile dimension by a demigod with a Cosmic Cube,” Black Widow points out as if the rest of them didn’t know that already. Cap probably didn’t know. He doesn’t even know what underwear is.

The thing Stark gets touchy about is the repeated use of “Cosmic Cube”. Folks, it was built on Earth by the army. There’s nothing cosmic about it. *dusts off hands*

He also decides to yammer about how smart he is. “See, the reason I made a fortune as a weapons manufacturer…” oh my GOD dude WHO FUCKING CARES? The rest of the team are rapt with attention, but I’m not buying it!

Stark throws shade at the army. With $950 trillion of the United States budget going toward the military, they do a terrible job of actually researching and developing anything. I guess most of that money goes towards snacks and different shades of green paint for their camouflage helmets. Long story short, in a way that’s in no way related, Tony Stark knows things about the Cosmic Cube! Should’ve been brought up a few issues ago, sir.

Turns out this Cube ain’t actually a cube! It looks like a cube, it has all the right sides and angles and faces, but blah blah blah something about pulling a lot of dark matter from an open portal. Stupid. The “Cube” itself, therefore, is a portal, and “it’s a portal to energy that doesn’t belong to anyone in this universe.”

It’s not like your mother, Cap. Ha!

I speak a lot about Captain America being the dumbest one in any room, but the fact that there are ten of them staring determinedly at the cube hologram that Stark has displayed before them and Captain America is the only one making a literal face of complete confusion, that tells me that every artist who has ever drawn Captain America knows that he’s supposed to be the dumbest one in any room. There is simply no denying it.

OK, Captain Mouthbreather, here’s the short and sweet of it: it’s not really a Cosmic Cube! Surprise! So Tony Stark can possibly shut it down and render Thanos completely Cubeless. And then stick the cube up his butt, which is what Stark actually says. I didn’t make that up!

First, Stark needs to get close to the Cube to do his energy readings. Second, he needs to log the specific energy signature so he can reverse-engineer the apex of its dimensional rift and block it! I think he can use a corkscrew for that. Third, he’ll need to use the bathroom.

Gamora takes this moment to announce that Thanos has become one with the Cube. I suppose that happens through meditation and breaking the endless cycle of rebirth and whatnot. This kind of sucks, because now Thanos is getting fucked over by Fake Portal Dark Matter Cube and he might be volatile and angry! That’s not like him! In Soviet Fake Portal Dark Matter Cube Russia, Cube controls you!

Quill has been in Cancer Town before and it’s gonna be a pain in the nuts to get out of there. A testicular pain in the nuts, you might say, sort of, if you’re 12 years old OR if you’re me.

Aha, but in an example of the comic book classic trope “we’re only screwed for one panel”, Thor shows up with some of his buddies! “Friends, I am very glad you are not dead,” he triumphs as he approaches with his Elders of the Universe posse. These guys are huge. One has black and white yin and yang-style paint. One has flowing red hair. They all have ornate arm bracelets. They look like the worst metal band ever and I’ve seen photos of Manowar.

The Elders tower over the Avengers and stare meanly at them with their pupil-less eyeballs. “Ok, now we have Elders,” Drax says, catching on quickly to the situation. The Elders have been talking amongst themselves about how to deal with the pesky Thanos problem, and then Thor appeared to them like a little gnat.

Calm down, kiddos. There’s enough Thanos for everyone to get a piece.

Elder #1 believes that they need to tread lightly to deal with Cosmic Cube Endboss, but Tony Stark (being obviously smarter and way more handsome and brave than a lowly Elder) informs the fool about the inauthenticity of the “Cosmic” “Cube”. This is news to Elder #1, who knows everything. He knows what color underwear Stark is wearing (the color is “no underwear”), but he didn’t know this.

So the situation is worse then? Gotcha. They need to tread even more lightly to deal with Cosmic Cube Endboss. Stark is gonna shut it down, you just wait and see.

Well, there’s some good news here at least. Thanos didn’t kill them like he promised. He just banished them to the Cancer Sector. So they’re all still alive to eventually tear him a new butthole.

Elders are going to help! Huzzah and hurray.

Meanwhile, ethereal see-through Thanos is as large as 45 Earths and he stands upon the planet like he’s a constipated mule ready to take a big dump on Argentina.

The B-List Avengers are geared up to fight as well, led by Maria Smulders Hill. They all streak across the sky in many ships. The ones that fly do some flying. “This is a cosmic-level event,” Hill hollers over an intercom or maybe through a bullhorn, “We are at Level Seven. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.”

Ah yes, Level Seven. I believe that’s Pipe World? That’s my favorite!

Mr. “Fantastic” tells the President that Iron Man and Captain America are nowhere to be found at the moment, so they have to all prepare to expect the worst. Then the Commander in Chief gets hauled away to his bunker where there are plenty of snacks and camouflage helmets.

Now that Thanos is here, and he has the Ultimate Nullifier I think! Oh no! Oh no!

And in an example of the comic book classic trope “we’re only screwed for one panel”, the Avengers A-Team appears out of nowhere through a portal to save the day! *bugle toot*

No.

Thanos is fucking LIVID, man! “MADNESS! I KILLED YOU ALL!”

Not today!

Then fighting ensues. I’m not going to type it all out, but Thor’s hammer goes “FRASHAKAKABOOM” and launches the Cube right out of Thanos’ chest. He’s not see-through again. He’s all blue.

Groot does a lot of beating the guy up while yelling the only three words he knows. Then they all take turns punching him one at a time. He’s shaking on the ground now like a loser.

Thanos isn’t done yet! He’s going to take Earth betwixt his thighs and crush it like a… wait a minute! Are those Elders?! SHIT! Shit shit shit!

“Yeah, see, we made a deal,” says Iron Man as the Elders loom over the bloodied Thanos, “The Elders help us beat your ass, they get to keep your ass.”

So that happens. Something happens to cause a smoldering crater where Thanos was writhing on the ground like a pussy. He’s gone.

I agree guys, no regerts.

The Elders have kept his ass. Captain America wants to know why, exactly, this country, this wonderful country that he loves so much like a nincompoop, this glorious piece of shit country that the rest of the world hates with good reason, is making a Cosmic Cube behind the Avengers’ back! THE AVENGERS NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING! LEVEL 10,000,000 CLEARANCE!! RESPECT THE STRIPES!!!

“You know why,” Hill answers matter-of-factly, “They have to be ready if and when the Avengers screw up or just go nuts.” Preach, lady! The Avengers aren’t as infallible as they think they are. They can really go fornicate themselves, honestly. As in “fuck” … :]

Most of the Avengers are like “hey!” and “why aren’t WE trusted? US!!!” and “aaaauuughh!”, but Stark agrees that it’s not the military’s job to trust them. BUT, they’re going to pay that General Whedon jerk a visit and drag his insolent butt all the way to Fisticuffs City!

The Guardians of the Galaxy don’t have time for this little kid stuff and are getting the hell out of here. Bye!

Now don’t you dare even consider getting us involved ever again, children.

“I envy the hell out of you guys,” Stark says with a furrowed brow of awe and slight self-disappointment, “Uncharted Worlds. Undiscovered sciences. Green ladies.”

“You should come with us. You really should,” Quill responds… let me check… sincerely. Perhaps Stark is the only cool kid in the Avengers. I mean, it’s not that much of a stretch I guess. The rest of them are useless.

The story ends with Lord Terces receiving the news that Thanos has failed. And he’s missing. The Elders got him and they’re probably making him dance right now, shooting their guns at the ground like it’s 1881, consarnit. “The great ship Oul-Cee has not answered calls since reporting its encounter with the Earthers and their pet Asgardian. But the message was incomplete. They had also made mention of Quill the Star-Lord and his Guardians.”

Whew, sounds like a lot of bad news to me. Lord Terces is going to be quite cross I’m sure! Let’s watch…

“Earth. I’ve had just about enough of that entire place. If our brothers fell at their hand, then they have declared war against the Brotherhood of the Badoon. We will take their planet, or burn it trying.”

Ohhh snap! He’s mad!

Final Thoughts

What a mess of a story. Ultimate Nullifiers and Cosmic Cubes and Badoon and Thanos and Guardians of the Galaxy and Elders and a bunch of extra Avengers and the Lord Terces guy and the United States military and Reed Richards telling the President to prepare for the human race to be wiped off the Earth very soon! A mess!

Can’t wait until the next story!

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2022 Year-End List Analysis – The Quietus’ Top 100

“Welcome to my concert. Are you folks ready to ‘rock’ the ‘house’?”

List Season is upon us once again, and with it comes a few dozen publications worth of really awful opinions! Today I feature an analysis of one of my favorite online music journals, The Quietus. I won’t entirely rehash what I wrote in last year’s analysis of the Quietus list, but here are the main points one must know when perusing their lists

The publication is beyond pretentious and, at times, deliberately contrarian. They find nothing of value from most of the year’s critically acclaimed albums, instead elevating lesser known releases from a wide range of genres (mostly experimental British collectives, singer-songwriters, and grime/hip-hop artists). Therefore, their year-end list is the most unique list you’ll find anywhere, and the wealth of albums you’ve never heard about before — artists you’ve never heard about before — will keep you busy catching up for months.
They love William Doyle (pictured above), a mediocre and dull artist whose albums will always, always, always be in the top ten. He sucks and he looks like he smells terrible. I don’t think he released an album this year, but they’ll put him on the list anyway.
They love Richard Dawson, a talented artist whose albums will always be in the top ten even if they were released two days before the list is dropped. I predict the same this year.

As you can see, as usual, I have opinions! And you’re going to hear about them! For reference, here is the link to The Quietus’ Albums of the Year 2022. See if you can pinpoint any moments when the staff has their collective heads out of their asses. You could count them on one hand even after a horrible fireworks accident.

Albums I Know About / Albums I’ve Listened To

This dude is totally listening to this year’s release by Mammoth Weed Wizard Bastard.

My favorite game to play with the Quietus list is to run down the whole thing and count how many albums I know about vs. how many I have actually listened to with mine own two ears! I did pretty good this year, having heard about 39 albums and having actually listened to 27! That’s got to be a record, especially in a year where I clearly didn’t focus on new music as much as I did in 2021. Also of note, I actually reviewed two albums on this list: Mitski’s Laurel Hell and black midi’s Hellfire. Not too shabby.

I still have a hard time with this year’s Mitski record, and its placement at #53 is slightly baffling. Perhaps too many people liked Big Thief this year for the Quietus to sully their own year-end list with such piffle.

In the end, of the 27 records on this list that I’ve listened to, I probably actually enjoy exactly 4 of them! Thank you, Quietus, for reminding me that even the music I’ve never heard of before is probably not to my BOURGEOIS and UNREFINED tastes anyway.

Quietus’ #91: black midi – Hellfire

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black midi’s Hellfire almost got snubbed! #91 out of 100! Color me Hella surprised, since black midi is a very British band pushing very British boundaries in a manner that is unapologetically British, which is one of the Quietus’ main prerequisites. After all, Cavalcade was #20 on last year’s list and that record was so much worse!

The blurb even points out Morgan Simpson’s drumming as “the best rhythm section operating in the world today”, which means the rest of the band is dragging him down like the heaviest anchor operating in the world today!

I think I’m just salty because, unless I listen to some miracle album in the next month that will change my opinions, Hellfire is going to be at the very top my own list. Sorry for the spoiler alert on that one. You’re not even reading this anyway.

Another Year, Another List Appearance

What a Dick!

Just like every year — every fucking year — the Quietus will include albums by artists that always make the lists anyway. Even if Gazelle Twin took a big shit on a glass table and recorded the sound effects, you can bet it will be nestled comfortably at #8 between Fat White Family and Arabrot. The following bands are part of the Show-Up-Every-Time club and released in album in 2022:

#4 – Richard Dawson (nailed that one)
#6 – Sea Power (FKA British Sea Power)
#13 – The Soft Pink Truth
#17 – Suede
#22 – One More Grain
#32 – The Utopia Strong
#36 – Shit and Shine
#42 – Gnod
#70 – Laura Cannell
#88 – Matmos
#90 – Loraine James

None of these people can knock it out of the park every time, right? WRONG. Richard Dawson is a fat, balding, bearded genius and he will be revered yearly with a place in the Quietus top ten. End of story.

Notable Omissions

Nice nervous breakdown, Isaac Wood. Maybe you shouldn’t’ve had one.

Sometimes the biggest surprises come from who gets snubbed! Let’s see who didn’t make the cut.

Black Country, New Road – Ants from Up There
Yo, Ants from Up There was #34 on their mid-year list, and now it’s dropped off completely? Homie don’t play that! Quietus once called them the “best band in the world”! What the good goddamn, son?

Nah, I’m not mad. I loved the debut, it was my #1 last year. This year’s album left me somewhat cold upon the first few listens. It’s grown on me over the course of the year, it will find itself in a comfortable spot in my Top 25 this year, but its absence from Quietus’ final list doesn’t seem that surprising considering all the hype that surrounded Isaac Wood’s nervous breakdown and departure from the band. Although Black Country, New Road is absolutely British as fuck, The Quietus doesn’t like to jump on the hype bandwagon! In fact, they are probably relishing in the fact that keeping Ants from Up There off the list stirred up a lot of controversy! Just think of how many angry Gen Z interns are talking about this around the watercooler!

Scalping – Void
I thought this was going to be shoo-in; a perfect underrated album that no other publication is going to touch with a 10-foot pole. British abrasive hardcore industrial techno? Every word of that sentence is right up their alley, even the question mark!

Björk – Fossora
Mainstream option. This year’s household name artists include Kendrick Lamar, FKA twigs, Mitski, Beyoncé, and Rosalía. I think Björk’s exclusion is curious, since every other Björk album that has been released since the Quietus began has been in the year-end list. Curious. Curious curious. Maybe Björk fucked one of their mothers?

So That’s It?

Yeah, that’s it! Thank you for reading my enlightening “analysis”, and always remember to keep watching the skies!

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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 13: “Choices”

At last, after 47 chapters of meandering, the group of seven actually get somewhere. But before we get to that, let’s talk about the meandering!

Rand gets a first-hand experience on what it feels like to get some of that good, good Aes Sedai rehabilitation! One by one, Moiraine gives everyone a special touch that drains all the achy tiredness out of them. The caveat is that she can’t do that for herself, so she’s tired as a wounded moose after the fact and needs her beauty rest while the likes of Rand, Mat, and Perrin do dumbass somersaults with the gleeman.

It takes another several nights to get to their destination of Baerlon, and actual honest-to-god city. It’s like in Pokémon when you finally get to Celadon City after all those shit towns and long trails through grass and woods and caves. Just like Pokémon. Anyway, Moiraine and Egwene continuing having those two-hour late night chats that make Rand jealous. He attempts to eavesdrop again, careful not to break twigs and give himself away or else he’ll be slaughtered right there on the spot! One day when Egwene removes the braid in her hair, the international symbol for taking Aes Sedai Apprenticeship seriously, Rand gets really mad and insinuates that Aes Sedai are services of the Dark One and other thrown shade. He says this loud enough for everyone to hear, which is funny.

So they finally reach Baerlon, right? The kids are in awe while Thom the Gleeman scoffs at these podunk backwater kids and their ability to be easily impressed by barely-cities like Baerlon. More like Baerly a City! At this point there is some hush-hush secrets that need to be kept: here Moiraine is known as Alys and Lan is known as Andra. They are not Aes Sedai and a Warder, they are a couple of nobodies from Bisbee, Arizona.

The group arrives at the main gate where a guard welcomes his good buddies Alys and Andra and their hick child friends. He recognizes that clown Thom too. The guard fills them in on some goings-on, and it’s a lot to take in for the likes of some nimrod like me reading this danged book. The Children of the Light are in town, and that’s annoying. Also, the false Dragon’s army is moving from Ghealdan to Tear, and that’s a whole big bowl of bad news! Here’s why, per Thom: *juggles*

But really, the legends say that the Stone of Tear can only be fallen if the Dragon is truly reborn. It is never supposed to fall unless the Dragon Reborn wields the Sword That Cannot Be Touched, which is lodged into the Stone itself. Like King Arthur.

The group arrives at the Stag and Lion, an inn that prides itself on the hottest baths (scalding) and the hottest food (scalding). They Can’t Hardly Wait.

I also need to make a note here that Moiraine accidentally leaked that it’s nutso that there are two prospective Aes Sedai from the Two Rivers area! Such a thing has never happened! But when Egwene inquires as to who it is, Moiraine goes “BRRRTT!” and tells her to put it out of her head. It’s not important. And her path is a different one.

So that’s intriguing. Intriguing like a pimple.

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Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “I Fought the Law and Kicked Its Butt!”

* Part 1 of 7 of the REDemption storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “I Fought the Law and Kicked Its Butt!”!

This series already loses 50 points for that awful Issue #1 title. BUT, it’s time for something completely different. Chipping away more at the New 52 Batfamily, I now tackle Red Hood and the Outlaws, a thing I’m completely unfamiliar with except for a passing reference to Red Hood in Batman: The Man Who Laughs. From what I gathered, the Joker used to be Red Hood. I could be totally, utterly wrong about that. I should be ashamed of myself!

Since I don’t have much of an introduction for this one, I shall kindly step aside and let MYSELF take the reins. It’s all yours, Tom.

Thanks, Tom, you little rapscallion.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Scott Lobdell
“I Fought the Law and Kicked Its Butt!”

Looking at the cover, I don’t know how I feel about this already. For one thing, NONE of those three are recognizable to me. How am I supposed to enter this thing with any sort of sense of investment? And another thing, why are these three on top of each other’s shoulders while fighting four guys with guns (and one with a crowbar, apparently)? That looks very unwieldy.

“His name is Roy Harper. He’s an idiot. Nice guy, but an idiot.”

Blunt narration, straight to the point! This means I can’t be the only one who jumped into this series with little background. I’m glad they expected this from people and didn’t hit the ground running with something like “RED HOOD, YOU GOTTA ELIMINATE DR. CRABTABULOUS! REMEMBER YOUR CREED! THE FATE OF JUPITER LIES IN YOUR HANDS; AT LEAST ALTERNATE JUPITER. YOU KNOW HOW JEFF CAN BE WHEN IT COMES TO WORKING UNDERCOVER WITH THE NEAPOLITAN INITIATIVE, SO IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO FARNCH YOUR WAY THROUGH DOOPINE CITY FIRST.”

Anyway, Roy Harper’s an idiot. He looks like if Shaun White fucked Eric Stoltz from Mask. His handcuffed ass is being escorted to outside quarters of the prison. He doesn’t see sunlight too often. He has a visitor, believe it or not. I, for one, believe it, because I don’t know this guy and I’m told that, while an idiot, he’s a nice guy.

The visitor is a really fat, sweaty pastor. “You have five minutes to confess your sins,” one of the guards tells Harper. The open room they’re in is surrounded by guards on a high walkway circling the perimeter.

“I am Pastor Beerback of the International Agency of Amnesty – and these conditions are deporable,” he cries. He has little lightning bolts around his surprised head, indicating the universal sign of “finding something deplorable”. “Rest assured, I’ll be filing a complaint with the state department!”

Filing a complaint with what? Pen ink scrawled on an enormous ham? The guards don’t give a shit what this man of God thinks. Shake a leg.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Is that electricity in your pants, or are you happy to see me?

Pastor Beerback asks for some privacy and the overly macho guard slinks away. Beerback opens his bible, revealing the pages hollowed out and containing a weapon. A retractable weapon I guess, but it doesn’t seem like a very big book to me to be able to contain anything actually helpful.

“Holy God!” exclaims Harper.
“Exactly, son,” responds Beerback, checking behind him to make sure nobody ain’t seein’ nuthin’, “An open mind and an open book will set you free.”
“Is that really my bow?”
“Yes.”
“And you realize this is totally insane, right?”
“Amen!”

Beerback lifts one of his suspenders and it makes a clicking sound. Immediately, the pastorly face breaks away and a man in a red hood appears underneath the charade. Or, if you will, a Red Hood. “His name is Jason Todd,” announces some more narration, this time from Roy Harper. I suppose Jason Todd did Harper’s narration. “A lot of people say he’s crazy. Like, say, the entire staff of Arkham Asylum. Maybe they’re right. I’m hardly in a position to judge anyone. But as he pops out of his disguise – blows the chain off my ball – and gives me my bow and quiver?…”

“…Let’s just say the Red Hood is MY kind of crazy!”

All right! A dangerous criminal and another dangerous criminal! I like where we’re going with this! Perhaps a third dangerous criminal is in the mix as well?? That’ll really blow the chain off my ball!

These two shoot up the place. Guns and bullets and bows and arrows. Funny how this rescue attempt turned into bloodshed. Ha ha oh well.

After busting the (wooden) front door down (by launching a guard through it), they (Red Hood and one Outlaw) escape (the prison).

Are those keys in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

“Tell me you broke down and asked your old pal for keys to the Batmobile,” Harper says as they keep sprinting.
“Something like that,” Todd responds, showing him something that’s not at all the Batmobile, but it sure is “something like the Batmobile”. It’s a military humvee of some kind. Let’s burn rubber, baby!

Now they’re driving in a vehicle killing people instead of running on foot and killing people. “So what happened, Red?” Harper asks as they speed across bumpy terrain at 700 mph, “You said that if I took this gig – if I became a Soldier of Fortune – that I was going to be on my own.”

But on his own he ain’t right now! Harper likes this. Maybe they could be a team again!

“The only reason I’m here is ‘cause if anything happens to you – that would make me the worst former sidekick ever,” Todd answers rather sweetly, I suppose.

OK, third dangerous criminal time: Starfire from Planet Tamaran, which is also my favorite motorcycle manufacturer. Starfire is barely wearing any clothes, and I wouldn’t expect any female superhero/supervillain type to wear more than eight square inches of cloth on her body at any given moment.

“Born a princess. Raised a slave. The Citadel were a militant race. She was traded into slavery by her sister – an effort to buy peace from a race of maurading aliens. So she’s not a big fan of soldiers… on any world. It’s a feeling I thought I could use to my advantage today.”

Blah blah blah. Jason Todd sure likes to talk. I don’t like that about him already. I don’t like my human characters to talk. Or see or hear or eat or sleep. Or love or live or fuck or die. Seriously.

Is that a red hood on your head, or are you happy to see me?

Todd also implies, and by “implies” I mean “directly says unprovoked”, that he and Starfire have kanoodled and slurped each other. And that is No. 8 on my list of things I don’t like my human characters doing! That’s a big one.

“Is there anything else I can do, Jason,” Starfire says, flying alongside the humvee after having blasted the three tanks ahead that were threatening the likes of them with their tankiness. Jason Todd tells her to get the fuck out of here and, like, kill some more miltiary guys and tanks when you get a chance, please. His wish is her command! And off she goes. Harper is sad that he wasn’t introduced, but this idiot wasn’t going to get any from firecrotch anyway! Ha ha! Get it? Firecr– oh never mind.

THREE WEEKS LATER… ON THE ISLAND PARADISE OF ST. MARTINIQUE: “I know I shouldn’t be here. On this planet. I’m not wanted here. Very few aliens are. But what are my options? Besides, those two humans make me laugh. When I can tell them apart.”

That’s Starfire talking. If it’s even possible, she’s even more scantily clad than a few panels ago when she was rather scantily clad. There are two pages dedicated to showing her bikini-ed body from three different angles, and there’s no doubt in my mind that artist Kenneth Rocafort was leaking vital penial fluids while drawing this stuff up. I’m not posting any of it here for free. Buy the book, you weirdos.

By now I’ve noted that Jason Todd gets the black narrative boxes, Roy Harper gets the red ones, and Starfire gets the pink ones. Keep this in mind, it will be very important for me and not for you!

Harper and Todd are hanging out on the beach staring at her like a couple of creepy sex offenders. They are enjoying the sunny beach! Harper has a Bloody Mary! Todd has a boner!

“And here I thought you hung out in an abandoned opera house. In Gotham City,” Harper says, still staring at the lady.
“Pffft, Gotham sucks,” Todd proclaims rather PRESUMPTUOUSLY. Don’t you know that Gotham is BATMAN’S city? Show it some respect! “The psychopaths that live there deserve each other. Even the bad guys.”

Is that a Dick Grayson on your mind, or are you happy to see me?

Here’s the thing about Tamarans, man. They’re aliens, see. Humans are barely anything. Just lumps of nothing, really. Dumb chunks of meat that, like, talk or something. And you know how much Tom hates it when humans talk! Really ruffles his feathers. Plus, when it comes to Earth, Tamarans don’t care about shit. Ergo, therefore, and verily, she doesn’t give a damn about anything any of us have to talk about at all. Can I freshen your drink?

A woman with white braided hair and a tight black jumpsuit approaches Todd and asks for a moment of his time. Her name is Essence. She is the last person Todd expected to see again. What’s shaken, babes?

“There have been several murders recently. Where organs have been taken from living bodies,” she reports. Well isn’t that a fucking buzzkill, lady. We are on an island paradise right now, and this kind of news isn’t cool at all.

Todd doesn’t want to hear it. “Don’t fall off your broomstick on the way home,” he says, walking away. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! The organs were taken years before the victims died. With no incisions! How does that grab ya?

This means something called the Untitled were involved. Intriguing.

Meanwhile, Roy Harper is boring the shit out of Starfire, but she still asks him if he wants to fuck her. He goes “KAK!”, but then he says ok.

Yeah yeah yeah. He’s happy to see her. We get it.

Todd doesn’t want anything to do with these “Untitled”. If that is their real name. Something is also said about the “All-Caste” and the Untitled is why the All-Caste were formed centuries ago. Anyway, it has nothing to do with him or her, so let’s move on.

Essence is like, sorry buttface, but it actually does have something to do with us. Check this out: *pulls out fancy portal viewing mirror thingy after casting some runes* I don’t know what she’s showing him. It looks like a dirty bag on the ground. This apparently shocks Todd. Something about a woman. This is supposed to be Essence’s jurisdiction, though, I suppose. She says she was banned from the All-Caste and Todd knows that!

And she begs Todd to “return” for her, even though he vowed never to “return”. Essence looks sad. Todd agrees to “return” for her. That was quick. I barely paid attention to any of that, but REST ASSURED that Roy Harper and Fire Stick are humping somewhere on the beach right now!

“Half a world away… …in the city of Chicago.” Hey, I’m there right now! Can you see me? I’m waving as I leap off the Hancock Tower and plummet to the sidewalk below.

Is that a whatever on your whatever, or are you whatever whatever whatever?

A young man is sitting among his twelve computer screens. He downloads a photo of Starfire in a bikini that a young kid took on the beach and sent to his various Instagrams and Twitters and TikToks and Friendsters. “A Tamaranean. On Earth. At last.”

Then he unzips his pants and grabs some off-brand vaseline…

Back in St. Martinique, Harper and Firestone are sleeping soundly in a really crappy-looking bed. Jason Todd sneaks into the cabana, grabs his red hood from a dresser drawer, and slinks back out.

Twelve hours later in the “Well of the All-Caste” somewhere high up in the Himalayan Mountains, where it’s even scarier than the Well in Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Jason Red Todd Hood kneels over a gross, desiccated, unsexy corpse body. He looks like he’s in a temple in Skyrim. Hey, that’s two video game references in a single paragraph! Those are two of the only ten video games I’ve ever played! Am I exaggerating? Who knows!

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you, Ducra. I’m sorry you sent me away. I’m sorry I let you.”

He hears shuffling. He looks behind him. Looks like a bunch of those shuffling dungeon dwellers in Skyrim, wielding all sorts of axes and scythes and one guy even has a scepter with a feather attached! Todd aims his gun. “Finally. Someone to shoot.”

“TO BE EXPLAINED…”

Final Thoughts

They had to wrap the last few pages with a few open mysteries or else no one who bought this comic book would bother with anything going forward!

Eh, I’m not impressed at all yet. This is essentially Bro Comics: Featuring Bro, his buddy Bro, and the Ho that the Bros want to bone. And some people may like that! I, for one, only like, uh, maybe 80% of that.

So I’ll keep going!

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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 12: “Across the Taren”

The travelling group of sorcerer types, children, and a clown are finally, finally, going to be crossing the city limits out of Two Rivers and into Hicksville. And that’s saying something.

After having successfully bribed the ferry operator into hauling half a dozen of his men oustide in the foggy dead of night to transport a bunch of nerds across the river, Lan and Moiraine return the favor by summoning a terrifying whirlpool on the riverbank that destroys the ferry completely! Lan gives the ferryman a handsome sum for the damages incurred, which means he can’t bitch too much. The ferryman and his crew leave into the woods, and group continues on their way.

The horses are getting tired, so Lan agrees to set up camp. The kids are terrified that the Draghkar or the Darkfriends or Myrddraal or the Dark One or Trollocs or god knows what else — there are so many damn nothings to keep track of — but Lan is confident that they’ll be safe and also put a sock in it. Moiraine takes this opportunity to pull Egwene aside deep into the woods so they can have a little Girls Night Out. This makes Rand suspicious, but he’s a pantswetter so who cares what he actually thinks.

As one would suspect, Moiraine is teaching Egwene about the Ways of the Wheel, as it were! Saidin and saidar the the True Source and the One Power and why things work the way they do and how you can get the cheat codes for them. Moiraine could sense in this child that she has what it takes to be an Aes Sedai, which will really make Rand empty his bowels into his Year 1350 underpants. Egwene is eager, yet cautious. When Moiraine displays a trinket (an angreal, as it were) and helps Egwene channel some power through it, Egwene jumps for joy and glee! It takes months for women in Tar Valon to do even a fraction of what Egwene accomplished with no training!

“Rand! I’m going to be an Aes Sedai!”

Consider the pants thoroughly pooped.

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Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #8 – “Zodiac (Part 8)”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #8 [December, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 8)”

Final Thoughts

2022 Year-End List Analysis – The Quietus’ Top 100