“Welcome to my concert. Are you folks ready to ‘rock’ the ‘house’?”

List Season is upon us once again, and with it comes a few dozen publications worth of really awful opinions! Today I feature an analysis of one of my favorite online music journals, The Quietus. I won’t entirely rehash what I wrote in last year’s analysis of the Quietus list, but here are the main points one must know when perusing their lists

• The publication is beyond pretentious and, at times, deliberately contrarian. They find nothing of value from most of the year’s critically acclaimed albums, instead elevating lesser known releases from a wide range of genres (mostly experimental British collectives, singer-songwriters, and grime/hip-hop artists). Therefore, their year-end list is the most unique list you’ll find anywhere, and the wealth of albums you’ve never heard about before — artists you’ve never heard about before — will keep you busy catching up for months.
• They love William Doyle (pictured above), a mediocre and dull artist whose albums will always, always, always be in the top ten. He sucks and he looks like he smells terrible. I don’t think he released an album this year, but they’ll put him on the list anyway.
• They love Richard Dawson, a talented artist whose albums will always be in the top ten even if they were released two days before the list is dropped. I predict the same this year.

As you can see, as usual, I have opinions! And you’re going to hear about them! For reference, here is the link to The Quietus’ Albums of the Year 2022. See if you can pinpoint any moments when the staff has their collective heads out of their asses. You could count them on one hand even after a horrible fireworks accident.

Albums I Know About / Albums I’ve Listened To

This dude is totally listening to this year’s release by Mammoth Weed Wizard Bastard.

My favorite game to play with the Quietus list is to run down the whole thing and count how many albums I know about vs. how many I have actually listened to with mine own two ears! I did pretty good this year, having heard about 39 albums and having actually listened to 27! That’s got to be a record, especially in a year where I clearly didn’t focus on new music as much as I did in 2021. Also of note, I actually reviewed two albums on this list: Mitski’s Laurel Hell and black midi’s Hellfire. Not too shabby.

I still have a hard time with this year’s Mitski record, and its placement at #53 is slightly baffling. Perhaps too many people liked Big Thief this year for the Quietus to sully their own year-end list with such piffle.

In the end, of the 27 records on this list that I’ve listened to, I probably actually enjoy exactly 4 of them! Thank you, Quietus, for reminding me that even the music I’ve never heard of before is probably not to my BOURGEOIS and UNREFINED tastes anyway.

Quietus’ #91: black midi – Hellfire

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black midi’s Hellfire almost got snubbed! #91 out of 100! Color me Hella surprised, since black midi is a very British band pushing very British boundaries in a manner that is unapologetically British, which is one of the Quietus’ main prerequisites. After all, Cavalcade was #20 on last year’s list and that record was so much worse!

The blurb even points out Morgan Simpson’s drumming as “the best rhythm section operating in the world today”, which means the rest of the band is dragging him down like the heaviest anchor operating in the world today!

I think I’m just salty because, unless I listen to some miracle album in the next month that will change my opinions, Hellfire is going to be at the very top my own list. Sorry for the spoiler alert on that one. You’re not even reading this anyway.

Another Year, Another List Appearance

What a Dick!

Just like every year — every fucking year — the Quietus will include albums by artists that always make the lists anyway. Even if Gazelle Twin took a big shit on a glass table and recorded the sound effects, you can bet it will be nestled comfortably at #8 between Fat White Family and Arabrot. The following bands are part of the Show-Up-Every-Time club and released in album in 2022:

#4 – Richard Dawson (nailed that one)
#6 – Sea Power (FKA British Sea Power)
#13 – The Soft Pink Truth
#17 – Suede
#22 – One More Grain
#32 – The Utopia Strong
#36 – Shit and Shine
#42 – Gnod
#70 – Laura Cannell
#88 – Matmos
#90 – Loraine James

None of these people can knock it out of the park every time, right? WRONG. Richard Dawson is a fat, balding, bearded genius and he will be revered yearly with a place in the Quietus top ten. End of story.

Notable Omissions

Nice nervous breakdown, Isaac Wood. Maybe you shouldn’t’ve had one.

Sometimes the biggest surprises come from who gets snubbed! Let’s see who didn’t make the cut.

Black Country, New Road – Ants from Up There
Yo, Ants from Up There was #34 on their mid-year list, and now it’s dropped off completely? Homie don’t play that! Quietus once called them the “best band in the world”! What the good goddamn, son?

Nah, I’m not mad. I loved the debut, it was my #1 last year. This year’s album left me somewhat cold upon the first few listens. It’s grown on me over the course of the year, it will find itself in a comfortable spot in my Top 25 this year, but its absence from Quietus’ final list doesn’t seem that surprising considering all the hype that surrounded Isaac Wood’s nervous breakdown and departure from the band. Although Black Country, New Road is absolutely British as fuck, The Quietus doesn’t like to jump on the hype bandwagon! In fact, they are probably relishing in the fact that keeping Ants from Up There off the list stirred up a lot of controversy! Just think of how many angry Gen Z interns are talking about this around the watercooler!

Scalping – Void
I thought this was going to be shoo-in; a perfect underrated album that no other publication is going to touch with a 10-foot pole. British abrasive hardcore industrial techno? Every word of that sentence is right up their alley, even the question mark!

Björk – Fossora
Mainstream option. This year’s household name artists include Kendrick Lamar, FKA twigs, Mitski, Beyoncé, and Rosalía. I think Björk’s exclusion is curious, since every other Björk album that has been released since the Quietus began has been in the year-end list. Curious. Curious curious. Maybe Björk fucked one of their mothers?

So That’s It?

Yeah, that’s it! Thank you for reading my enlightening “analysis”, and always remember to keep watching the skies!