Bucketheadland Pike #1 – It’s Alive

Bucketheadland Pike #1 - It's Alive

Released: May 15, 2011
Length: 31:10

“Lebrontron” kicks off the very first album in the very long Pike series that has gone on relentlessly for the last 11 years. Very riff-orientated with undistorted guitar tones, it wouldn’t be out of place as the soundtrack of some futuristic Sega Genesis action platformer starring a protagonist with a big gun, rippling muscles, and large sunglasses.

It always floors me to remember that Lebron James is barely three years older than me. I don’t have much of an opinion of the guy other than his puffy beard always sucks and he should lose it, but he was my absolutely favorite part of Trainwreck starring Amy Schumer and Bill Hader. Hader’s character was an orthopedic specialist who was Lebron James’ best friend. He just wanted Bill Hader to fall in love. It was adorable.

Lebron James

Shave it off, Lebron. What are you hiding in there?

“Tonka” gets weird with it. Buckethead McFlanagan uses some of those buzzing electronic glissandos that he loves doing so much. I got a large Tonka semi-truck as a gift once when I was about four years old and I had to pretend to like it. I wasn’t a fucking truck kid. There was a little button on the side that went “KRRRRSSSHH” or something when you pressed it. I liked that part. The rest of it can go fly a kite.

Speaking of Lebron James, I’m very NOT into basketball or anyone associated with basketball so I spent the longest time confusing him with Kobe Bryant. Perhaps this was because they were the two most prominent players at the time? Or maybe I’m unfathomably racist! It took me a while to really differentiate the two, but I now know that Kobe Bryant was the rapist who died in a helicopter. This is what caused the Coronavirus pandemic.

“Crack the Sky” alternates between slow, baleful, ambient guitar and more of that tasty, heavy staccato riffage. There’s even this cool, soaring solo near the that has this incredible melody. It’s the only melody you’ll find out of all 1,050 Pikes. The song’s title may or may not be a reference to Mastodon’s fourth album from 2009, Crack the Skye, but I doubt it is. Mastadon is a cool band, and Buckethead is not a cool person, so never the twain shall meet. Buckethead was not influenced by the likes of bands like Mastodon. Buckethead was influenced by Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and H.P. Lovecraft and Bruce Lee movies.

Sawyer from Lost

Don’t kid yourself, Kid Rock. You became a pussy. You know it’s true.

“The Hatch” was most certainly a reference to fuckin’ Lost. That show single-handedly pulled me out of my desire to only, ONLY, watch comedy television. I shit you not, at the tender age of 20 I was sucked into the DVDs like I needed to breathe it instead of oxygen. It was a great show to pop my drama television cherry. My favorite character was Sawyer until he became a pussy. I also wanted to bone Alex Rousseau so badly. I was sad when she died. Spoiler alert.

“Picking the Feathers”? OK, this must be referring to Bucketheads obsession with KFC, which must also be one of his major influences I guess. I like how the slippery guitar plucking sounds like the closest musical depiction of picking feathers. This is only Pike #1, though. I wonder if he had any of this kind of forethought while making, say, Pike #192. Or maybe he just start fishing turds out of a toilet and spent four minutes mixing and mastering them before selling them to me for $2 a pop. This track also has these little sound effects near the end that sound like when your turn your volume up on your Microsoft computer. I actually had to check to make sure I wasn’t actually doing it! I checked each time! Not really, but I could have and that would have really burned my bunions.

Brian Eno composed the Windows 95 startup sound, but this album is almost over and that’s a story for another time.

How about the cover art? It’s Alive! Frankenstein’s monster! In the summer of 2007 I was going through some rough relationship-related sadness and the only thing that perked me up was watching Young Frankenstein. That movie didn’t change my life, but I laughed at the whole scene with Gene Hackman so it was worth it.

Thank you for joining me! The rest of this feature will be almost exactly the same, so I apologize for that in advance. Smell ya later.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 7: “Out of the Woods”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

I’ll probably say this every two chapters, but shit is starting to get real. And by that, I literally mean it. All these stories and fables of Trollocs and Aes Sedai and Warders and the Dark One and Dragons and the will of the Wheel and all that happy horseshit, in the span of 15 hours it has all been elevated from “story and fable” status to “this is all real, you wretched dinguses” status.

Tam is in the fast lane of dying as Rand continues to haul his limp dead weight all the way to Emond’s Field. Terrified of Trollocs and other ghoulies, Rand ignores the searing pain in his elbows and ass and every other part of his body as he huffs and puffs up Quarry Road. HOPE TURNS TO UTTER DESPAIR when he discovers half of Emond’s Field burned down to the ground! People are running around like wild turkeys trying to save all their crappy belongs, like spoons and ribbons, from the sooty wreckage. People may be dead, but it doesn’t sound like many are dead. There is just a lot dying, and maybe just a lot of crabbiness to boot. The Trollocs is what did them in. Lots of Trollocs. The place was lousy with Trollocs and now their humble town has been Trollocked to kingdom come.

Nynaeve, the Wisdom, slaps Tam around a bit and then determines that he cannot be saved! I like to think that Rand interrupted her from a lovely cake and some Jeopardy! and she’s just irritated that someone had the nerve to bug her. Anyway, Tam is too far gone. He’ll die soon and there’s nothing anyone can do about it! Bye bye, now.

Rand then goes to the Mayor, who sends the gleeman over to talk to Nynaeve and hears the same damn thing all over again. Eventually, Mayor Bran “Flakes” al’Vere spills the beans about Moiraine being an Aes Sedai and Lan being her Warder. In fact, both of them were about 99.9% the reason why the Trollocs are no longer in town, why the entire village wasn’t razed to the ground, and why anyone is still alive let alone, in most cases, barely wounded. Rand poops his teenage pants over this news, but Aes Sedai can be healers. They can also be mean, evil little witches. Rand is willing to do anything to heal his father, so he tracks down Moiraine in the village and prods her into trying to save his father. She agrees to help… but at a price… and we don’t know what that price is yet… but Rand will need to pay the price… and sexual favors are certainly not off the table.

WILL TAM LIVE? Probably not. WILL RAND OWE MOIRAINE ANYWAY? Probably. WILL THE TROLLOCS RETURN? Most definitely. WILL EGWENE AND RAND BONE? Most definitely not. WILL ANYONE IN THE SERIES HAVE A NORMAL NAME? Fuck no.


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Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #5 – “Zodiac (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5 – “Zodiac (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Thanos starts really cramping everyone’s style. He mind-controls Hulk so Hawkeye shoots a flaming arrow in his mouth, which was the funniest part of the issue. Other than that, Iron Man gets the President involved (of the United States!) who sounded dumb and incoherent and unfit to help whatsoever.

Black Widow safely stashes away the Ultimate Nullifier. She interrogates Cancer of the Zodiac Clan and these dudes are only collecting knickknacks for Thanos because he promised them ultimate power, which he might be lying about. The Avengers team shits diarrhea because they don’t know how they’re going to handle this situation, but the Guardians of the Galaxy show up out of nowhere all like “WE CAN HELP”.

This story is really dumb. It’ll probably end with Captain America talking Thanos into going back to where he came from and Thanos going “uh ok”.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #5 [September, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 5)”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #5

COVER ART ANALYSIS: Disgusting.

Set the clock back to a few days ago. A spread of sensory overload bullshit showing the Guardians of the Galaxy guarding the galaxy fills the first page. They’re blasting a spaceship with guns and lasers and laser-shooting spears and laser-shooting guns and gun-shooting lasers and participating in some cute banter while they do it. I think they’re trying to transport a family/community of weird blue aliens to safety, but they could very well be trying to feed them to the green aliens? There’s so much going on!

I only saw the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie and I thought it was dull so forgive me if I don’t know who any of these characters are. Chris Pratt. Bradley Cooper raccoon. Green Zoe Saldana. My knowledge now ends.

“INCOMING!” yells somebody. Probably a good guy, maybe a bad guy. The large spaceship crashes into the urban area that they’re all fighting in, destroying at least 6,000 square miles of architecture and killing one chicken. “Who will save us?” squeaks a blue guy in his native tongue of Blueguyish. Every member of the Guardians (of the Galaxy) (Milky Way) is unharmed.

“Are you okay?” asks Green Zoe Saldana.
“Absolutely not,” answers Chris Pratt, “Why are the Badoon even on this planet?” he bitches some more, “Why are you trying to enslave these people?! This isn’t what you do! Who put you up to this?”

The Badoon don’t enslave people? Whoops! They forgot! What do they do, then? Oh, they assemble and install porta-potties during festivals? No wonder they’d rather enslave people now.

“English Earther! I’m just Badoon! I only following orders,” growls a green Badoon.

Wrong answer, pal. SCAASSHHH. Eat a bowl of laser courtesy of Christopher Michael Pratt, born and raised in Virginia, Minnesota!

…

“They’re trying to take what isn’t theirs. They’re Badoon. It’s exactly what they do,” explains Raccoon Face.

No no no no NO NO NO NO NONONONO NO NO NO!!! Something doesn’t add up! Something reeks of fish and it ain’t this pile of rotting fish next to me.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

I’m just here for the Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast, I swear to GOD man!!

“You’re the one who follows the Lord’s way,” says the green dude insufferably while Pratt continues choking him out.
“Lord’s way? What does that mean?”
“The one true Lord of Death!… His Lord Thanos.”

Oh ok I finally see how this is going to tie in! I was ready to throw this comic book in the garbage, but I’m glad I read past the first four pages.

Pratt sees this for the trap that it is. These Badoon were sent to follow the Guardians. Thanos plans to take Earth because he has no other hobbies or responsibilities or interests, and he needed the Guardians to be as far as possible away from Earth because Thanos is apparently scared of the raccoon and the tree guy. “The one above my rank asked the Lord Thanos for permission to just kill you,” he stammers, “but Thanos killed him just for asking the question.”

Yeah, whatever, the evil guy does evil things. Wake me the fuck up if you have more exciting news. Green Zoe Saldana steps forward and vows to stop Thanos. After all, he is her father. I guess.

“You will not stop him! He is the Lord of Death! You cannot stop–”

SCABLAMM! Raccoon Boy blasts him in the face with an ejaculation of lasers from a gun. “Thanos is going for Earth,” he contemplates, then turns to his peers, “What do you say?”

AND THAT’S THE STORY!

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

What a cozy gathering of everyone’s favorite Marvel superheroes! Plus Hawkeye.

Everyone gets acquainted with one another at Avengers Tower. Hawkeye meets Raccoon and offends him immediately. Hulk meets Drax and they both frown at each other. Drax is the WWE wrestler, I forgot about him. Green Zoe Soldana is Gamora, a name I get confused with Gamera, but Gamora isn’t a giant monster seeking to crush Tokyo. Not yet.

“Lady Gamora, it has been a while,” Thor greets the green woman.
“Thor.”
“I have often thought of you.”
“Oh.”

Pfffft, awkward. They give each other the ol’ fuck eyes before Chris Pratt interjects and continues drilling the Avengers for more of that juicy Thanos gossip. Iron Man fills him in: Thanos promises a group of twelve people a secret chest bursting with silver doubloons if they can steal some items for him, one of which being the very terrifying Ultimate Nullifier, among others. Maybe a particle accelerator. And a comb.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

A LITTLE TROUBLE IN PARADISE, EHH???

Pratt wants to know what Thanos was able to take so far, and Drax fears that it’s the Infinity Gems. Captain America butts in with what he feels to be a better question: ddduuuuuurr, what Thanos here doing??

Keep up, dumbass. He wants some items! Go play in the sandbox, dumbass.

“Are the Infinity Gems on Earth?” Pratt asks with just a wee bit of panic. Captain America and Iron Man stare at each other like Beavis and Butthead. “They’re fine,” they both say without much confidence. They may be fine now, but they won’t be eventually.

The Guardians are all thinking the same thing: of course Thanos is here for those fucking gems. Gamora is inclined to sort of disagree maybe. That large jerk would be storming in by himself if he knew the Infinity Gems were nearby. He wouldn’t hire twelve people to bring him nullifiers and combs. He’d be scaling Mount Everest and diving down Marina’s Trench! He’d even go to Branson, Missouri. All he would need is just one of them, too. Just one Chaos Emerald and that guy would be ejaculating all over Earth as if it were his own face! No, no no no, this guy is after something else.

“And I’ll tell you why…” Gamora says, all-knowingly, because she thinks like her father and she understands what that guy needs to make himself feel all happy and tingly. Yeah baby. Gross.

While the adults are talking, Hawkeye and Black Widow sneak off to the largest kitchen in the world that also has the smallest kitchen sink in the world to discuss clandestine matters of violence against women.

Black Widow removes part of her tight, leathery costume to expose her bleeding back. Hawkeye swoops in all suave and helpful and fondles her in the privacy of Avengers Tower’s giant kitchen with a giant window the whole city can see into.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

Show you what? The sink? I will if I can find it.

“Natasha… if you’re hurt… say something,” Hawkeye whines, “You don’t have to act tough. You kept the Ultimate Nullifier out of the hands of a crazy alien demigod who will use it. You saved the world.”

Yeah, don’t act tough! You saved the world like a pussy!

Natasha smiles at this display of genuine affection from the guy who shoots arrows for a living. He calls her his best friend. She kisses him. He’s surprised. It looks like he’s almost ready to slap her!… but he decides to enjoy it instead.

Spoiler alert! The cover of this comic book already showed this.

…then, THEN, then Natasha Black Widow Stroganoff recoils and storms off in a huff. “You have a girlfriend, Clint Barton!” she deflects, taking the fake high ground while kicking Hawkeye off the ledge. You know… down to the low ground, I guess. Hawkeye is flabbergasted and stymied and befuddled. WOMEN! CAN’T LIVE WITH ‘EM, CAN’T LIV–

Hawkeye takes this opportunity to be pensive.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

Sorry, dude. Try as you might, but you’ll never hold a candle to Alfred Pennyworth. THAT dude, as we all know, fucks.

“The Earth is off-limits,” says Dave Bautista, “that’s the reason Thanos would use such lackeys for his plan. The Earth is off-limits to all non-Earth entities. Lackeys were his loophole.”

Pffft, even supreme beings need to work with loopholes. This shitty universe is such a racket.

Thor is confused. Why is Earth off-limits? Well, Blondie, let’s just say “The” “Earth” “Fucking” “Sucks”. AND, mind you, Earth is like a hazardous waste dump. Nobody likes it hanging around the galaxy. It’s full of power-hungry primitive beings swinging around their god swords like they’re cock of the walk! They ain’t know what they doin’ over there! Everyone else is better off just letting Earth be self-destructive.

“Some see you as children playing with loaded weapons,” says Drax bluntly. Chris Pratt isn’t happy with Drax’s bluntness, but whatever. What’s he gonna do about it? Leave Parks and Recreation to pursue his movie career? I’d like to see him try!

Captain America thinks this is mean and rude and unfair! Ha, ok well, check out the science, Jack. Earth is about 40 years behind even the most primitive of other civilizations! You guys are still smacking around your jukeboxes to try to get them to work while Planet Gorkglax plays their music on Sony PlayStation 9. IS ANY OF THIS GETTING THROUGH TO ANY OF YOU LUNKHEADS?

Captain America frowns like someone just told him he has to eat a plate of poop before he gets dessert, and Chris Pratt tells him to not be offended. It’s just the truth! Lighten up. Even Iron Man agrees and he’s from Earth, dude. Remember? Do you want another helping of poop?

Long story short, Earth keeps getting involved in stupid space shit that has nothing to do with them for some reason. It’s dumb. And until you stop that, then the rest of the galaxy is going to keep taking a whiz on your planet as they pass through without stopping.

“Earth is the Jewel of Nine Realms,” argues Thor, like there is anything more to say. He knows where he can stick his Jewel if he doesn’t shut his trap. Stop complaining, and maybe in another generation you can sign up to be on the Cosmic Civilization council! You guys can sit next to the Fart Planet.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

I mean, honestly, don’t even bother. You losers wouldn’t even get the secret handshake right.

Chris Pratt does apologize and admit that it’s all not entirely the Earth’s fault. Not like they’re asking to be picked on the Skrull and the Kree and the Romulans and the Goa’uld.

What does this have to do with anything? “Recently, a sort of galactic council decided to make it known that Earth was not to be touched. For someone like Thanos, that was an invitation for him to try to take it.”

OH GEE HOW DID THE GALACTIC COUNCIL MISS THAT?? Bunch of big brains on that board.

So Thanos needs lackeys to steal the items so they can give him the items so he can use the items to steal the Earth for himself. Because why, exactly? The real estate is just too good to pass up? Why would anyone want this dumbass dying planet? This is me asking, now. Tom. The guy with the website. I genuinely want to be enlightened here.

“What exactly did he get his hands on?” asks Bradley Cooper Raccoon.
“We don’t know,” responds Chris Evans Captain America.
“You don’t know or you don’t want to say?” asks Brad Coops.
“We don’t know,” responds Chris Hemsworth Thor.
“Who does?” asks Dave Bautista Drax.
“Probably Thanos,” responds Jeremy Renner Hawkeye.

*snicker*

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

Yeah, heh heh, right, MAN, it’s like, uh, don’t you have a galaxy to guard bro??

Ever the diplomat, Chris Pratt calms the room down and politely reminds everyone that the Guardians really need to know what they’re dealing with in order to, you know… help. At all.

OK, fine. Captain America asks Tony Stark to outfit the Quinjet for space travel so they can blast off somewhere. The raccoon wants to help too. Captain America tells Hulk to come with him. Black Widow wants to come too but she gets shot down. My only guess at the moment is that Captain America is going to drive down an empty stretch of road and kick Hulk out into the middle of nowhere so that they never have to see him again!

What an idiot, he didn’t even do that. I fucking hate Captain America. They take a visit to the army base where Hulk was hanging out in Issue #1. The two of them confront General Whedon about what was in their convoy before it got stolen. Captain America needs to know this, even though neither he nor Hulk are going to be able to remember what it is by the time they get back from their trip.

Whedon gets fiery-eyed and fiery-mustached! “Not everything in this world is for your eyes. Not everything the military is involved in needs to be vetted through you and your Avengers.” I feel like this guy just said what I’ve been thinking for many months, especially since I read the New Avengers Illuminati shit where six people were taking it upon themselves to control the universe when no one asked.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

Well, it’s not working. The whole county knows your wife is a slut.

Captain America thinks this is fair. However, sir, it’s a matter of life or death. As everything always seems to be. So cough up the info. “Well, isn’t that just like something you would say,” Whedon retorts, and I like this guy a lot. I hope he isn’t forced into gi–

Ok, well, Hulk threatens to “smash” and that’s the end of that. It’s cool as hell that the Avengers use intimidation tactics and threats to get what they want!

The Quinjet is ready for space travel! It only took 45 minutes too, which is great because I hate it when outfitting the Quinjet eats up my afternoon nap time. Captain America and Hulk return from their mafia thuggin’. “Thanos has a Cosmic Cube,” Cap reports back while Hulk stands there drooling. The army created a new one because the old Cosmic Cube was lost in the laundry and the army didn’t like not having one. Raccoon Jones doesn’t like this news one bit. When it comes to cubes, the cosmic ones are one of the more dangerous types.

So get in the damn Quinjet and strap in, motherfuckers. We have to see a guy about a cube.

Final Thoughts

This is getting a little more interesting. It makes me wonder if there are any other Cosmic 3D Polygons? I sure hope so/not.


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Ratched, Season 1 – Success Through Relentless Manipulation

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Ratched, Season 1 (2020) (Netflix)

Ratched, Season 1
Sarah Paulson is everywhere you look. My first encounter with her work was her role on the godawful Aaron Sorkin show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip as Harriet Hayes, the annoyingly religious sketch comedian on who was supposed to be funny but wasn’t funny because she had a shitty Sorkin script to work with. Of the whole ensemble cast, her performance was easily the most memorable.

I’ve never seen or read One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and I had a nagging feeling during the early episodes that I was missing out on some key information. But I wasn’t. No prior information necessary. This stands on its own. It’s a prequel, too, so perhaps you should actually watch this first! I turned the tables on that one, didn’t I?!

The Premise

It’s 1947, 16 years before the events of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest take place. A man named Edmund Tolleson (Finn Wittrock) murders four priests in cold blood and is sentenced to 120 days at Lucia State Hospital, a leading psychiatric facility in Northern California. And by “leading” that means stuff like, you know, advancements in trepanning and boiling you alive to get the gay out of you.

Ratched, Season 1

Why prescribe gentle selective serotonin reuptake inhibiters when you can just hammer sharp objects through patients’ eyeballs?

Mildred Ratched (Sarah Paulson) manipulates her way into landing a job at Lucia State Hospital with the sole intention to break Edmund Tolleson out before he is sentenced to prison or death. The two are foster siblings who were physically and psychologically tortured by one foster family after another for years. Tolleson believed one of the priests he killed was his father. It’s all sorts of sociopathic and fucked up.

Dr. Richard Hanover (Jon Jon Briones), the director of the hospital, tries to secure funding from Governor Willburn (Vincent D’Onofrio). His press secretary Gwendolyn (Cynthia Nixon) and Ratched fall in love with each other. Lenore (Glenn Close) hires an hit man to take Hanover out for not fixing his self-mutilating mental problems. Drama ensues. It’s a wild ride!

Ratched, Season 1

Dr. Hanover, sir, why do we have to wear these dreadful outfits? I have a Misfits shirt that better shows off my personality.

My Half-Baked Thoughts

Sarah Paulson is great as Mildred Ratched. I do know that by the time the character ages up to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest she’s a unsympathetic, cruel, and intimidating person. With all the manipulation, blackmails, and sadism early on (for example, she lobotomizes a surviving priest so that he can’t testify against Edmund), you expect much of the same throughout the season. BUT AU CONTRAIRE, SHITHEAD, because Ratched betrays a lot of actual feelings and emotions!

When Cynthia Nixon’s character starts making moves on Ratched, the reaction is very negative once realization sets in. However, eventually, Ratched begins to embrace her homosexuality, and she genuinely begins to fall in love. A tumultuous and competitive relationship with Head Nurse Betsy Bucket (Judy Davis) softens into a friendship after a confrontation about Edmund turns into a mutual sympathy for the man’s situation. She turns into an ally to help bust the fucker out of the looney bin. Then there’s Edmund, the person she has loved her whole life and will do all sorts of nasty criminal shit to help him out. No scruples, but she cares about her people.

Ratched, Season 1

Basement jail is fun once you get used to the mentally-crippling solitary confinement.

While I enjoyed Ratched, especially the second half of the season, this is one of those enjoy-in-the-moment type shows. I didn’t miss it when I wasn’t watching it, and it took me about a month to get through from start to finish. I may have two young kids, but that’s a sucky pace. Two episodes a week? Boo to that.

Enjoy-in-the-moment shows are barely a step above not-enjoying-at-all shows. It’s like the Umbrella Academy. What exactly was my problem with Ratched, one wonders? And the one who wonders is me! I wonder! So I thought about it for a little bit and came to the conclusion that I wasn’t particularly invested in any of the characters, save for Mildred Ratched herself. And even then, it was only a tad.

Edmund Tolleson? You’re supposed to dislike him initially, pity him later, moderately endear yourself to him when he shows his occasional love of animals, and dislike him all over again when he tries to go after Mildred. Ultimately, though, I didn’t give a shit if he didn’t make it out of the season alive!

Dr. Hanover? Of course you’re supposed to hate this guy and his bullshit 1947 psychiatric practices. Ice picks through the eyeball? The constant sweaty anxiety? The dude is shifty and loathsome. He dies and that’s fine with me!

Gwendolyn? Maybe. But she’s pretty boring and doesn’t have much of a personality beyond being the main character’s love interest. Perhaps if she had some substance she could be elevated to I MAY SOMEWHAT CARE IF SHE DIED status. She’s in critical condition for about an episode after she gets shot during the party, but you feel worse for Mildred than you do for Gwendolyn.

Ratched, Season 1

You’re being such a Miranda right now.

Betsy Bucket? She’s in second place. She shows the most character development, and my opinion of her slowly transformed from overwhelmingly negative to comfortably positive by the end of the season. Also, she proved to be kind of a badass by deciding to help Mildred bust her foster brother out of looney bin prison and/or kill him humanely with a needle to the neck before he got the electric chair.

And then Mildred herself? Suspend your disbelief and you’ve got a anti-hero you can root for. Unrealistically, for a woman in the ’40s, she has an ability to seamlessly manipulate her way into getting what she wants. Landing a job at the hospital was a cake walk. Successfully preventing Silas from Weeds from incriminating Edmund by lobotomizing him. Helping abused patients escape from the hospital. Blackmailing Hanover to become Head Nurse. Blackmailing Hanover to find Edmund unfit for trial due to insanity. She has it her way, baby, and you’re all in for it.

Oh yeah, Lenore? Don’t care.

Ratched, Season 1

Ratched also contains roughly 70% more burn victims than your average Netflix original series!

Worth the Watch?

Yeah, there are only eight episodes so it doesn’t take too much investment. The ornate, decadent, colorful glossiness of the production and the colorful, classy outfits are a real FEAST FOR THE EYES. I could watch Sarah Paulson read a calculus textbook and be thoroughly engaged. Her acting is reason enough alone to give it a shot.

If you like ice picks through eyeballs, then this is the series for you! Netflix bought a second season, so if they ever get around to making it I would certainly watch it. How’s that for a winning endorsement?

Ratched, Season 1

This patient is going to need a few more leeches on his genitalia.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 6: “The Westwood”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

A transition chapter, to be sure. Rand discovers that the wound his father endured was BARELY a scratch. Superficial across Tam’s chest barely the length of Rand’s hand. The kid has seen his pops get ten times more wounded and then run 100 miles without puffing. However, Tam is a wimp and he has a really bad fever, so who can really argue with how hurt the guy is? Still gonna have to take him to Emond’s Field. Still gonna have to make him someone else’s problem!

With a makeshift litter, Rand starts dragging his dad’s ass across town in the middle of the night, praying to whatever god exists in Wheel of Time Land that they don’t run into any more Trollocs. And they don’t; not across the duration of this rather short chapter. It’s uneventful, except for the fevered yelling about his long-dead wife and the (supposedly) mythical “Avendesora” — the Tree of Life. Rand wants to tell him to pipe down, but it doesn’t work. And then some Trollocs show up marching through. The black-cloaked rider also appears, but it’s almost like he’s watching the two from afar mockingly.

Nothing else happens. Rand continues making his way to Emond’s Field. I continue making my way through the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Yeah, baby.


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