Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #5 – “Zodiac (Part 5)”

* Part 5 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5 – “Zodiac (Part 5)”! In the previous installment, Thanos starts really cramping everyone’s style. He mind-controls Hulk so Hawkeye shoots a flaming arrow in his mouth, which was the funniest part of the issue. Other than that, Iron Man gets the President involved (of the United States!) who sounded dumb and incoherent and unfit to help whatsoever.

Black Widow safely stashes away the Ultimate Nullifier. She interrogates Cancer of the Zodiac Clan and these dudes are only collecting knickknacks for Thanos because he promised them ultimate power, which he might be lying about. The Avengers team shits diarrhea because they don’t know how they’re going to handle this situation, but the Guardians of the Galaxy show up out of nowhere all like “WE CAN HELP”.

This story is really dumb. It’ll probably end with Captain America talking Thanos into going back to where he came from and Thanos going “uh ok”.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #5 [September, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 5)”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #5

COVER ART ANALYSIS: Disgusting.

Set the clock back to a few days ago. A spread of sensory overload bullshit showing the Guardians of the Galaxy guarding the galaxy fills the first page. They’re blasting a spaceship with guns and lasers and laser-shooting spears and laser-shooting guns and gun-shooting lasers and participating in some cute banter while they do it. I think they’re trying to transport a family/community of weird blue aliens to safety, but they could very well be trying to feed them to the green aliens? There’s so much going on!

I only saw the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie and I thought it was dull so forgive me if I don’t know who any of these characters are. Chris Pratt. Bradley Cooper raccoon. Green Zoe Saldana. My knowledge now ends.

“INCOMING!” yells somebody. Probably a good guy, maybe a bad guy. The large spaceship crashes into the urban area that they’re all fighting in, destroying at least 6,000 square miles of architecture and killing one chicken. “Who will save us?” squeaks a blue guy in his native tongue of Blueguyish. Every member of the Guardians (of the Galaxy) (Milky Way) is unharmed.

“Are you okay?” asks Green Zoe Saldana.
“Absolutely not,” answers Chris Pratt, “Why are the Badoon even on this planet?” he bitches some more, “Why are you trying to enslave these people?! This isn’t what you do! Who put you up to this?”

The Badoon don’t enslave people? Whoops! They forgot! What do they do, then? Oh, they assemble and install porta-potties during festivals? No wonder they’d rather enslave people now.

“English Earther! I’m just Badoon! I only following orders,” growls a green Badoon.

Wrong answer, pal. SCAASSHHH. Eat a bowl of laser courtesy of Christopher Michael Pratt, born and raised in Virginia, Minnesota!

…

“They’re trying to take what isn’t theirs. They’re Badoon. It’s exactly what they do,” explains Raccoon Face.

No no no no NO NO NO NO NONONONO NO NO NO!!! Something doesn’t add up! Something reeks of fish and it ain’t this pile of rotting fish next to me.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

I’m just here for the Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast, I swear to GOD man!!

“You’re the one who follows the Lord’s way,” says the green dude insufferably while Pratt continues choking him out.
“Lord’s way? What does that mean?”
“The one true Lord of Death!… His Lord Thanos.”

Oh ok I finally see how this is going to tie in! I was ready to throw this comic book in the garbage, but I’m glad I read past the first four pages.

Pratt sees this for the trap that it is. These Badoon were sent to follow the Guardians. Thanos plans to take Earth because he has no other hobbies or responsibilities or interests, and he needed the Guardians to be as far as possible away from Earth because Thanos is apparently scared of the raccoon and the tree guy. “The one above my rank asked the Lord Thanos for permission to just kill you,” he stammers, “but Thanos killed him just for asking the question.”

Yeah, whatever, the evil guy does evil things. Wake me the fuck up if you have more exciting news. Green Zoe Saldana steps forward and vows to stop Thanos. After all, he is her father. I guess.

“You will not stop him! He is the Lord of Death! You cannot stop–”

SCABLAMM! Raccoon Boy blasts him in the face with an ejaculation of lasers from a gun. “Thanos is going for Earth,” he contemplates, then turns to his peers, “What do you say?”

AND THAT’S THE STORY!

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

What a cozy gathering of everyone’s favorite Marvel superheroes! Plus Hawkeye.

Everyone gets acquainted with one another at Avengers Tower. Hawkeye meets Raccoon and offends him immediately. Hulk meets Drax and they both frown at each other. Drax is the WWE wrestler, I forgot about him. Green Zoe Soldana is Gamora, a name I get confused with Gamera, but Gamora isn’t a giant monster seeking to crush Tokyo. Not yet.

“Lady Gamora, it has been a while,” Thor greets the green woman.
“Thor.”
“I have often thought of you.”
“Oh.”

Pfffft, awkward. They give each other the ol’ fuck eyes before Chris Pratt interjects and continues drilling the Avengers for more of that juicy Thanos gossip. Iron Man fills him in: Thanos promises a group of twelve people a secret chest bursting with silver doubloons if they can steal some items for him, one of which being the very terrifying Ultimate Nullifier, among others. Maybe a particle accelerator. And a comb.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

A LITTLE TROUBLE IN PARADISE, EHH???

Pratt wants to know what Thanos was able to take so far, and Drax fears that it’s the Infinity Gems. Captain America butts in with what he feels to be a better question: ddduuuuuurr, what Thanos here doing??

Keep up, dumbass. He wants some items! Go play in the sandbox, dumbass.

“Are the Infinity Gems on Earth?” Pratt asks with just a wee bit of panic. Captain America and Iron Man stare at each other like Beavis and Butthead. “They’re fine,” they both say without much confidence. They may be fine now, but they won’t be eventually.

The Guardians are all thinking the same thing: of course Thanos is here for those fucking gems. Gamora is inclined to sort of disagree maybe. That large jerk would be storming in by himself if he knew the Infinity Gems were nearby. He wouldn’t hire twelve people to bring him nullifiers and combs. He’d be scaling Mount Everest and diving down Marina’s Trench! He’d even go to Branson, Missouri. All he would need is just one of them, too. Just one Chaos Emerald and that guy would be ejaculating all over Earth as if it were his own face! No, no no no, this guy is after something else.

“And I’ll tell you why…” Gamora says, all-knowingly, because she thinks like her father and she understands what that guy needs to make himself feel all happy and tingly. Yeah baby. Gross.

While the adults are talking, Hawkeye and Black Widow sneak off to the largest kitchen in the world that also has the smallest kitchen sink in the world to discuss clandestine matters of violence against women.

Black Widow removes part of her tight, leathery costume to expose her bleeding back. Hawkeye swoops in all suave and helpful and fondles her in the privacy of Avengers Tower’s giant kitchen with a giant window the whole city can see into.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

Show you what? The sink? I will if I can find it.

“Natasha… if you’re hurt… say something,” Hawkeye whines, “You don’t have to act tough. You kept the Ultimate Nullifier out of the hands of a crazy alien demigod who will use it. You saved the world.”

Yeah, don’t act tough! You saved the world like a pussy!

Natasha smiles at this display of genuine affection from the guy who shoots arrows for a living. He calls her his best friend. She kisses him. He’s surprised. It looks like he’s almost ready to slap her!… but he decides to enjoy it instead.

Spoiler alert! The cover of this comic book already showed this.

…then, THEN, then Natasha Black Widow Stroganoff recoils and storms off in a huff. “You have a girlfriend, Clint Barton!” she deflects, taking the fake high ground while kicking Hawkeye off the ledge. You know… down to the low ground, I guess. Hawkeye is flabbergasted and stymied and befuddled. WOMEN! CAN’T LIVE WITH ‘EM, CAN’T LIV–

Hawkeye takes this opportunity to be pensive.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

Sorry, dude. Try as you might, but you’ll never hold a candle to Alfred Pennyworth. THAT dude, as we all know, fucks.

“The Earth is off-limits,” says Dave Bautista, “that’s the reason Thanos would use such lackeys for his plan. The Earth is off-limits to all non-Earth entities. Lackeys were his loophole.”

Pffft, even supreme beings need to work with loopholes. This shitty universe is such a racket.

Thor is confused. Why is Earth off-limits? Well, Blondie, let’s just say “The” “Earth” “Fucking” “Sucks”. AND, mind you, Earth is like a hazardous waste dump. Nobody likes it hanging around the galaxy. It’s full of power-hungry primitive beings swinging around their god swords like they’re cock of the walk! They ain’t know what they doin’ over there! Everyone else is better off just letting Earth be self-destructive.

“Some see you as children playing with loaded weapons,” says Drax bluntly. Chris Pratt isn’t happy with Drax’s bluntness, but whatever. What’s he gonna do about it? Leave Parks and Recreation to pursue his movie career? I’d like to see him try!

Captain America thinks this is mean and rude and unfair! Ha, ok well, check out the science, Jack. Earth is about 40 years behind even the most primitive of other civilizations! You guys are still smacking around your jukeboxes to try to get them to work while Planet Gorkglax plays their music on Sony PlayStation 9. IS ANY OF THIS GETTING THROUGH TO ANY OF YOU LUNKHEADS?

Captain America frowns like someone just told him he has to eat a plate of poop before he gets dessert, and Chris Pratt tells him to not be offended. It’s just the truth! Lighten up. Even Iron Man agrees and he’s from Earth, dude. Remember? Do you want another helping of poop?

Long story short, Earth keeps getting involved in stupid space shit that has nothing to do with them for some reason. It’s dumb. And until you stop that, then the rest of the galaxy is going to keep taking a whiz on your planet as they pass through without stopping.

“Earth is the Jewel of Nine Realms,” argues Thor, like there is anything more to say. He knows where he can stick his Jewel if he doesn’t shut his trap. Stop complaining, and maybe in another generation you can sign up to be on the Cosmic Civilization council! You guys can sit next to the Fart Planet.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

I mean, honestly, don’t even bother. You losers wouldn’t even get the secret handshake right.

Chris Pratt does apologize and admit that it’s all not entirely the Earth’s fault. Not like they’re asking to be picked on the Skrull and the Kree and the Romulans and the Goa’uld.

What does this have to do with anything? “Recently, a sort of galactic council decided to make it known that Earth was not to be touched. For someone like Thanos, that was an invitation for him to try to take it.”

OH GEE HOW DID THE GALACTIC COUNCIL MISS THAT?? Bunch of big brains on that board.

So Thanos needs lackeys to steal the items so they can give him the items so he can use the items to steal the Earth for himself. Because why, exactly? The real estate is just too good to pass up? Why would anyone want this dumbass dying planet? This is me asking, now. Tom. The guy with the website. I genuinely want to be enlightened here.

“What exactly did he get his hands on?” asks Bradley Cooper Raccoon.
“We don’t know,” responds Chris Evans Captain America.
“You don’t know or you don’t want to say?” asks Brad Coops.
“We don’t know,” responds Chris Hemsworth Thor.
“Who does?” asks Dave Bautista Drax.
“Probably Thanos,” responds Jeremy Renner Hawkeye.

*snicker*

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

Yeah, heh heh, right, MAN, it’s like, uh, don’t you have a galaxy to guard bro??

Ever the diplomat, Chris Pratt calms the room down and politely reminds everyone that the Guardians really need to know what they’re dealing with in order to, you know… help. At all.

OK, fine. Captain America asks Tony Stark to outfit the Quinjet for space travel so they can blast off somewhere. The raccoon wants to help too. Captain America tells Hulk to come with him. Black Widow wants to come too but she gets shot down. My only guess at the moment is that Captain America is going to drive down an empty stretch of road and kick Hulk out into the middle of nowhere so that they never have to see him again!

What an idiot, he didn’t even do that. I fucking hate Captain America. They take a visit to the army base where Hulk was hanging out in Issue #1. The two of them confront General Whedon about what was in their convoy before it got stolen. Captain America needs to know this, even though neither he nor Hulk are going to be able to remember what it is by the time they get back from their trip.

Whedon gets fiery-eyed and fiery-mustached! “Not everything in this world is for your eyes. Not everything the military is involved in needs to be vetted through you and your Avengers.” I feel like this guy just said what I’ve been thinking for many months, especially since I read the New Avengers Illuminati shit where six people were taking it upon themselves to control the universe when no one asked.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #5

Well, it’s not working. The whole county knows your wife is a slut.

Captain America thinks this is fair. However, sir, it’s a matter of life or death. As everything always seems to be. So cough up the info. “Well, isn’t that just like something you would say,” Whedon retorts, and I like this guy a lot. I hope he isn’t forced into gi–

Ok, well, Hulk threatens to “smash” and that’s the end of that. It’s cool as hell that the Avengers use intimidation tactics and threats to get what they want!

The Quinjet is ready for space travel! It only took 45 minutes too, which is great because I hate it when outfitting the Quinjet eats up my afternoon nap time. Captain America and Hulk return from their mafia thuggin’. “Thanos has a Cosmic Cube,” Cap reports back while Hulk stands there drooling. The army created a new one because the old Cosmic Cube was lost in the laundry and the army didn’t like not having one. Raccoon Jones doesn’t like this news one bit. When it comes to cubes, the cosmic ones are one of the more dangerous types.

So get in the damn Quinjet and strap in, motherfuckers. We have to see a guy about a cube.

Final Thoughts

This is getting a little more interesting. It makes me wonder if there are any other Cosmic 3D Polygons? I sure hope so/not.


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Ratched, Season 1 – Success Through Relentless Manipulation

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Ratched, Season 1 (2020) (Netflix)

Ratched, Season 1
Sarah Paulson is everywhere you look. My first encounter with her work was her role on the godawful Aaron Sorkin show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip as Harriet Hayes, the annoyingly religious sketch comedian on who was supposed to be funny but wasn’t funny because she had a shitty Sorkin script to work with. Of the whole ensemble cast, her performance was easily the most memorable.

I’ve never seen or read One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and I had a nagging feeling during the early episodes that I was missing out on some key information. But I wasn’t. No prior information necessary. This stands on its own. It’s a prequel, too, so perhaps you should actually watch this first! I turned the tables on that one, didn’t I?!

The Premise

It’s 1947, 16 years before the events of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest take place. A man named Edmund Tolleson (Finn Wittrock) murders four priests in cold blood and is sentenced to 120 days at Lucia State Hospital, a leading psychiatric facility in Northern California. And by “leading” that means stuff like, you know, advancements in trepanning and boiling you alive to get the gay out of you.

Ratched, Season 1

Why prescribe gentle selective serotonin reuptake inhibiters when you can just hammer sharp objects through patients’ eyeballs?

Mildred Ratched (Sarah Paulson) manipulates her way into landing a job at Lucia State Hospital with the sole intention to break Edmund Tolleson out before he is sentenced to prison or death. The two are foster siblings who were physically and psychologically tortured by one foster family after another for years. Tolleson believed one of the priests he killed was his father. It’s all sorts of sociopathic and fucked up.

Dr. Richard Hanover (Jon Jon Briones), the director of the hospital, tries to secure funding from Governor Willburn (Vincent D’Onofrio). His press secretary Gwendolyn (Cynthia Nixon) and Ratched fall in love with each other. Lenore (Glenn Close) hires an hit man to take Hanover out for not fixing his self-mutilating mental problems. Drama ensues. It’s a wild ride!

Ratched, Season 1

Dr. Hanover, sir, why do we have to wear these dreadful outfits? I have a Misfits shirt that better shows off my personality.

My Half-Baked Thoughts

Sarah Paulson is great as Mildred Ratched. I do know that by the time the character ages up to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest she’s a unsympathetic, cruel, and intimidating person. With all the manipulation, blackmails, and sadism early on (for example, she lobotomizes a surviving priest so that he can’t testify against Edmund), you expect much of the same throughout the season. BUT AU CONTRAIRE, SHITHEAD, because Ratched betrays a lot of actual feelings and emotions!

When Cynthia Nixon’s character starts making moves on Ratched, the reaction is very negative once realization sets in. However, eventually, Ratched begins to embrace her homosexuality, and she genuinely begins to fall in love. A tumultuous and competitive relationship with Head Nurse Betsy Bucket (Judy Davis) softens into a friendship after a confrontation about Edmund turns into a mutual sympathy for the man’s situation. She turns into an ally to help bust the fucker out of the looney bin. Then there’s Edmund, the person she has loved her whole life and will do all sorts of nasty criminal shit to help him out. No scruples, but she cares about her people.

Ratched, Season 1

Basement jail is fun once you get used to the mentally-crippling solitary confinement.

While I enjoyed Ratched, especially the second half of the season, this is one of those enjoy-in-the-moment type shows. I didn’t miss it when I wasn’t watching it, and it took me about a month to get through from start to finish. I may have two young kids, but that’s a sucky pace. Two episodes a week? Boo to that.

Enjoy-in-the-moment shows are barely a step above not-enjoying-at-all shows. It’s like the Umbrella Academy. What exactly was my problem with Ratched, one wonders? And the one who wonders is me! I wonder! So I thought about it for a little bit and came to the conclusion that I wasn’t particularly invested in any of the characters, save for Mildred Ratched herself. And even then, it was only a tad.

Edmund Tolleson? You’re supposed to dislike him initially, pity him later, moderately endear yourself to him when he shows his occasional love of animals, and dislike him all over again when he tries to go after Mildred. Ultimately, though, I didn’t give a shit if he didn’t make it out of the season alive!

Dr. Hanover? Of course you’re supposed to hate this guy and his bullshit 1947 psychiatric practices. Ice picks through the eyeball? The constant sweaty anxiety? The dude is shifty and loathsome. He dies and that’s fine with me!

Gwendolyn? Maybe. But she’s pretty boring and doesn’t have much of a personality beyond being the main character’s love interest. Perhaps if she had some substance she could be elevated to I MAY SOMEWHAT CARE IF SHE DIED status. She’s in critical condition for about an episode after she gets shot during the party, but you feel worse for Mildred than you do for Gwendolyn.

Ratched, Season 1

You’re being such a Miranda right now.

Betsy Bucket? She’s in second place. She shows the most character development, and my opinion of her slowly transformed from overwhelmingly negative to comfortably positive by the end of the season. Also, she proved to be kind of a badass by deciding to help Mildred bust her foster brother out of looney bin prison and/or kill him humanely with a needle to the neck before he got the electric chair.

And then Mildred herself? Suspend your disbelief and you’ve got a anti-hero you can root for. Unrealistically, for a woman in the ’40s, she has an ability to seamlessly manipulate her way into getting what she wants. Landing a job at the hospital was a cake walk. Successfully preventing Silas from Weeds from incriminating Edmund by lobotomizing him. Helping abused patients escape from the hospital. Blackmailing Hanover to become Head Nurse. Blackmailing Hanover to find Edmund unfit for trial due to insanity. She has it her way, baby, and you’re all in for it.

Oh yeah, Lenore? Don’t care.

Ratched, Season 1

Ratched also contains roughly 70% more burn victims than your average Netflix original series!

Worth the Watch?

Yeah, there are only eight episodes so it doesn’t take too much investment. The ornate, decadent, colorful glossiness of the production and the colorful, classy outfits are a real FEAST FOR THE EYES. I could watch Sarah Paulson read a calculus textbook and be thoroughly engaged. Her acting is reason enough alone to give it a shot.

If you like ice picks through eyeballs, then this is the series for you! Netflix bought a second season, so if they ever get around to making it I would certainly watch it. How’s that for a winning endorsement?

Ratched, Season 1

This patient is going to need a few more leeches on his genitalia.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 6: “The Westwood”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

A transition chapter, to be sure. Rand discovers that the wound his father endured was BARELY a scratch. Superficial across Tam’s chest barely the length of Rand’s hand. The kid has seen his pops get ten times more wounded and then run 100 miles without puffing. However, Tam is a wimp and he has a really bad fever, so who can really argue with how hurt the guy is? Still gonna have to take him to Emond’s Field. Still gonna have to make him someone else’s problem!

With a makeshift litter, Rand starts dragging his dad’s ass across town in the middle of the night, praying to whatever god exists in Wheel of Time Land that they don’t run into any more Trollocs. And they don’t; not across the duration of this rather short chapter. It’s uneventful, except for the fevered yelling about his long-dead wife and the (supposedly) mythical “Avendesora” — the Tree of Life. Rand wants to tell him to pipe down, but it doesn’t work. And then some Trollocs show up marching through. The black-cloaked rider also appears, but it’s almost like he’s watching the two from afar mockingly.

Nothing else happens. Rand continues making his way to Emond’s Field. I continue making my way through the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Yeah, baby.


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Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Blood”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Blood storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Blood”! In the previous installment, Wonder Woman learns that she wasn’t actually a clay baby who became a real girl. As it turns out, her mother fucked Zeus and got pregnant from Zeus’ powerful semen, and if Hera found out about this she would have smother Wonder Baby with a pillow in her IKEA crib. So Hippolyta kept this a secret for the last *looks up Wonder Woman’s age* 5,000 years? What the fuck?

She decides to exile herself from Paradise Island. Maybe she’ll settle down in Kosovo and sell bureks on the streets in Pristina.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Brian Azzarello
“Blood”

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Uh oh, a visit from the Peacock Lady Hera is nigh! Look out, Wonder Woman, she wears that getup when she wants to murder horses.

We begin in Darfur, which is always a fun place be find oneself in, where Blue Man Woman Killer walks calmly through a burning town presently rife with gun violence. He enters a bar; the bloody bartender is slumped over the bar. An old man with blood on his pants sits on a stool with a drink. “Hello, brother,” he welcomes the almighty…whoever, who obviously just blue himself. I had to look his name up since I don’t think anyone has actually addressed him. It’s Apollo. As in Apollo Creed. Carl Weathers!

“Hell low, indeed,” Apollo responds. Very clever.
“What brings you here?”
“I’m concerned about you.”
“Liar,” says the old one, overflowing his shot glass with more liquor. These two seem to be buds! I wonder what their backstory is? Oh yeah, I remember now, it’s WHO CARES! lol

The old man is War, even though War is supposed to be a woman, and it sounds like he’s plumb tired of war! So very tired. Maybe because it’s Darfur and it’s been going on forever now. He should probably just leave.

NO! War is needed more than ever in these grim days, so get that fire lit under your ass. There’s work to do.

Speaking of work to do, Diana doesn’t seem to be doing any work right now. She’s hanging out in a London punk club with Strife, Zola, and Hermes. The former is schmoozing around seducing dudes. The latter two are talking amongst themselves at a table.

“I’m worried about her, Zola,” says Hermes, dressed in camo and sunglasses lookin’ like a real punk-ass punk. Not one of them poser-types! Hermes finds it odd that Diana can just pretend her problems away right now and indulge in the sweet, sweet crooning of Anal Cunt. Zola’s not worried! Diana needs a break from all the Amazonian pressure. That place was tense, man.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Plus, she LOVES watching GG Allin rub his own shit all over his face.

HELL YEAH. Strife is all about this, as well! The wine is incredible. “Come have a drink with me, Baby Sister,” she yells to Diana with two glasses in hand. Let loose! Let’s start slamdancing these fucking freaks, throw them against the bricks.

“Well, we’re family now,” Strife says in response to Diana’s chiding, “and in this family there are two kinds of members: those against you, and those against you.” She smiles, pouring a drink, toasting to family.

Back at Paradise Island, where it’s not quite so paradise-y all of a sudden, Hera causes a torrential storm upon her arrival. Dessa, one of Hippolyta’s advisors, summons the guards. Hippolyta tells her to shove it. She can handle this.

“Hera has good reason to make herself known on Paradise Island. While you and all our sisters do not. It’s best for all if I face Hera alone…” she says, grabbing a large axe off the wall. Time for Hippo to guillotine Hera. Poetic justice!

“She can be a real bitch, that one,” Strife says in the bar, referring to her bitch sister. Ms. Bitch.

“Takes one to know one?” Zola responds casually. Strife is starting to like this young woman.

“I wouldn’t trifle with the Amazon, Strife. Not now,” Hermes says, white knighting all over the place. Pfft. Strife’s doing Diana a favor! Fuck Paradise Island! Fuck her mother! It’s Chinatown, baby!

*swig*

Hermes is still concerned. All this meddling will surely come to a head, and he doesn’t want to be around when it happens. “Hera will have her pound of flesh…” he warns.

Strife strokes Zola’s bare midriff. “Indeed. So perhaps if we extracted it for her…”

Oh now you’ve done it. Diana suddenly appears and grips Strife’s arm tightly! Angrily! Bitchily! She holds her hand down on the bar and jams a broken glass right into it! Hell yes!

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Oh man, how bad is it? Is it bad? I don’t want to look.

Strife doesn’t do much more than wince and pout. “That pound of our flesh is mine to protect,” Diana snarls. Strife removes her bloody hand from the bar, licks it, and holds it up to Diana’s cheek. “I promise it won’t happen again,” she tells her sister, but this time there isn’t a hint of joviality on her face whatsoever. It’s personal now!

I’ve seen a lot of blood so far. They should probably name this issue “Blood”. Or perhaps the whole storyline. It was my idea, I thought of it first.

“You have offended me,” Hera coldly tells her baby momma.
“That was never my intention, Goddess,” Hippo hangs her head in shame, intending everything.

Snarl. Growl. Hippo hangs her head in shame again. “I did it to protect my daughter.”
Growl. Snarl. “–MY husband’s daughter! MY HUSBAND’S!”
Snarl. Growl. Snarl. Snarl. “I am the Queen of the Gods,” Hera backs off a little bit and starts getting mopey, “The Goddess of Women…ultimately, yet, a woman.”

“Why, Hippolyta? Why would you do this to me? To another woman? What did he say to make you love him? What can I do to make him…”

Well, Hera, things seem to be getting a teensy bit awkward now that you’re pouring your heart out about your failing marriage. BUT, she trails off because Hippo’s Paradise Island Warriors of Anti-Paradise are starting to close in. “We will protect our queen to the death,” declares Aleka, the Jousting Superstar.

Well isn’t that hunky dory, but Hippolyta SPECIFICALLY STATED THAT THIS IS HER BATTLE TO FIGHT. You fucking jerks. Go home and find something else to do. Take a break for once in your pathetic lives! It’s not all defending queens and maintaining honor, you know. There’s, like, gardening and building computers and knitting and woodworking and stuff.

“You inspire their loyalty,” Hera says with a slight sneer, “You should be proud.”

Well, fuck you lady. Diana left the island because of them. They laughed and called her names. Wouldn’t let her join in any reindeer games. Anyway, Hera, please forgive Hippolyta for fucking your husband. He was pretty good. You should be proud. Heh.

“Queen Hera… My goddess… Forgive me,” Hippo begs solemnly on her knees.

There are about seven panels that show the Amazons drawing their arrows as Hera raises her axe in a head-chopping manner. At the last second she decides not to guillotine anyone today.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

It’s ok dear. I wasn’t really gonna kill you, I swear. I was just gonna, you know, shave a little meat off a cheek or something, haha.

“Queen Hippolyta… I wish I could.”

London, after the wild club party, Zola stops by Diana’s room to thank her for the good time. Diana agrees that it was a good time, but she feels uneasy. But Zola is worse. She falls backward on the bed, gripping her head on both sides in the universal sign of “oh god ughh shiiiit”.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Can I at least get my stuff? Changes of clothes? My phone? I got peanut butter in the cabinet.

Diana can’t let Zola go home. Zola genuinely asks her why not? It’s easy. Just be like “here’s a plane ticket, go home”. Diana makes it about her instead, tells Zola that she left her home too. It’s not like she can go back either. She didn’t really belong there anyway, made out of clay or conceived by actual gods or whatever the real story is. She felt like a black sheep. Zola makes it about her again, tells Diana that she didn’t even have any sisters, let alone an island full of them! No real family to speak of. Her dad’s in prison, for God’s sake! Ever since she was a baby! Do you know how that feels? He robbed Clarence Thomas in 1989, stole his TV dinner.

And her mom? Well, she sucks. Who cares about her, Zola hasn’t seen her in years. Plus she died, that probably didn’t help the not-seeing-her part. So, honestly, maybe leaving that house is a blessing in disguise! A blessing dressed up as a ghost! Boo!

Diana decides to walk away from this sad-sack and talk to the other sad-sack in the house. He’s got a remote control in his hand. “Hermes, I’ll trade you,” she smiles, holding out her sword and shield. Hermes smiles too and accepts the trade agreement. Did she get the remote control? Did she want to watch The Masked Singer?

No, she’s got Hermes’ staff. It looks kind of like that medicine symbol with the twisty snakes. She returns to Paradise Island where, wouldn’t you know it, there are a million snakes writhing around on the ground. Hissing and squirming. If Wonder Woman thought she was uneasy in the London apartment, well ma’am, check out some snakes.

“Mother…” she talks to the empty downtown square, “I made a mistake. I reacted to what you did. Instead of listening to why. And… I’m sorry for what I did. For hurting you. You deserve better. I’m your daughter. Your blood. It’s something I always wished I was, and I am now.”

And it’s too late!

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Atonement isn’t in the cards anymore, Snakey Slithers.

Why is it too late? Because she is talking to her mother in the square. Her mother is made of stone now. She’s the brown thing in the above picture.

That’s the climax of the issue, right? So we need a proper cliffhanger. In lieu of THAT, here’s the next scene anyway.

“I have some surprising news about our father, War,” says Apollo. He’s missing. This is what he learned in Issue #1 before murdering three women and turning them into unsexy, fiery skeleton bones! In fact, he doesn’t exist at all.

“Murdered?” asks War, interest piqued.
“It would take his own blood to do so.”
“Ah. Now I understand the pleasure of this visit.”

War assures that all this blood all over his slacks, the bar, the small Darfur town, none of it is Zeus’. For reals, dawg. This is civilian blood! Sorry to disappoint you, bro.

Ha! That’s not why Apollo’s there, you silly goose! But others in the family might think it’s Zeus’ blood. And now you, War, are on the chopping block. You know how their family can be, right? Fuckin’ rude. Thanksgiving is going to be super awkward. So Apollo says War needs his help. Allies, see?

Ha! Apollo, you silly goose! It is YOU who needs the help, my kind and virile sir.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Hey Mr. No-Eyeballs, you’re wasting 148-year-old scotch!

Throughout this conversation, Apollo doesn’t really know which side his brother is on. He’s jerking him around a little bit. “Our fate, it’s not up to us. It’s always been in mortal hands. Open your eyes and see what they hold… the world will be ruled by war.”

“It’s inevitable,” War finalizes, walking away.

Final Thoughts

This really does feel like the East of West endtimes shenanigans. And I’m not sure exactly where they’re going with this, except maybe everyone wants to kill Zola’s baby, but they all want to kill each other too. Some shameful pettiness is afoot. I hope it ends with Wonder Woman saying “screw this” and getting shitfaced at the bar every night.


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East of West, Issue #29 – “Prodigal”

* Part 14 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #29 – “Prodigal”! It’s been a long journey, but we’ve reached the end of Year Two of the Apocalypse! Nothing apocalyptic has happened yet. I think Babylon brought his Nintendo Switch with him. In the previous installment, a gang of terrifying assassins are looking to intercept Babylon’s journey and kill the fuck out of his face. Meanwhile, Death is scrambling to find this kid before anything happens to him. He even had to light a rhyming eyeball’s butt on fire to see where he had to go next! Thrilling!

Here it is, the moment of truth. Who’s going to die next?? Will it be me?? Read on to find out!

East of West, Issue #29 [August, 2016]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Prodigal”

East of West, Issue #29

“Follow me. I will show you what Death looks like.”

I’ve already seen plenty of Death, and let me tell you, there’s not much to look at. You could break him like a twig.

Ahab’s Pass, where Babylon and Balloon have currently set up camp, where Death’s Eyeball marked the map, where the traveling band of assassins are heard. Everything converges at Ahab’s Pass! There’s probably some allegory to Moby Dick or the Bible, but it’s lost on me. I don’t know the difference between those two books anyway.

“Balloon… I’m sure you’ve noticed that I haven’t accessed most of my databases after we concluded my last lesson. You know, the one with all the murder.”

Yes, Balloon had noticed. And he’s not a fan of this, as he puts it, “reckless and defiant behavior”. How is anyone supposed to make a killer out of this kid if he won’t even read up on the art of killing??

Babylon claims that he has been too busy working on his independence to dilly-dally with learning about being more of a psychopath than he already is. Unfortunately, working on independence isn’t going too well. And now he needs to face a whole bunch of rogue killers who have been paid to kill him! Balloon warned him, and now he needs to take the test. If you’re cramming last-minute, then you already don’t know enough. I had professors tell me that all the time, those assholes. I’ll show you cramming last-minute.

“Please access my advanced combat, tactical evasion and survivor protocols,” Babylon commands his trusty floating friend, preparing himself with more roughhousing. If he can beat a Horseman, then this should really be no problem. And it probably won’t be! But let’s keep reading. Stop interrupting me.

East of West, Issue #29

BILLY LIKES HIS CHICKEN SPICY!

“So…” Babylon addresses some new buddies who have joined him at the campfire. “You guys want to introduce yourselves or should I just leave the graves unmarked.”

Ooooooh, a tough guy! Well, look here you little shit, there will be two hits. Me hitting you and you hitting the floor. Or is it me hitting the floor, creating an earthquake that hits you? Either way, you’re dead meat, kiddo.

Through Babylon’s viewpoint, Billy Blackgun looks pretty similar to his real form. Just toothier. The flying robot bug guy, Psalm, looks like one of them Ezra Orion Hell Demons, who tells him that he will take no pleasure in this little boy’s eradication. “You’re simply a task to be completed. No more. No less.”

Babylon calls him a weirdo and turns to the third one. “How about you, ma’am? Anything creepy you want to say?”

“Nope.”

Babylon casually decides upon, after some deliberation, a Tournament of Death. That seems like the most enjoyable option. Chess was on the table, for example.

It’s go time! Balloon lifts the kid up in the sky. Blackgun is the biggest physical thread, but Psalm has the most mobility. The third one is a big question mark, but Balloon will follow up once he has more info! “Always worry about the one who doesn’t show their hand,” he advises. Thank you for calling Customer Service.

Babylon throws a very thin stick up into the air, which confuses the third one, Ursula. The stick hits a precarious boulder, which begins a rockin’ on its precipice. Before the third one gets a chance to shoot off his gun, the boulder crushes that Ursula fucker with a sickening KRUNCH. It’s sickening to me because there wasn’t a lamer onomatopoeia! I would’ve settled with KARRYYYMMPPCK.

Billy immediately does not care that his companion has been flattened like a pancake! “Ursula ain’t Billy. Big rock ain’t Billy. You done focused on the wrong thing, boy. Billy over here, blasting you to hell.” BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM. “You underestimated Billy. Billy Blackgun ain’t nobody’s second option. So Billy got the drop on you. Ain’t no one ever got the drop on Billy.”

I’m getting pretty sick of Billy. I’m looking forward to another boulder soon please.

Oh good, a warthog shows up and gores the living crap out of Billy Blackgun.

East of West, Issue #29

Man, that’s going to really leave a wack-ass scar.

“Hey! Nice job, Mister Tusk!” shouts Babylon from a cliff’s edge.
“Oink! Oink!”
“I’m sorry… Doctor Tusk.”

Babylon gets so distracted talking to Doctor Tusk that he forgets about the last guy. The robot bug guy. He’s swift and he flies, so let’s take care of him now so that we can all go back to cooking canned beans over the fire. Delicious!

Buzz! Hey creepy kid and floating orb! Buzz! Do you know about the Psalms? Buzz! There were 150 made, and this one is #137! Buzz Buzz! And he’s the only one left! BZZZZZZ!

Balloon knows who this guy is. He knows the Psalms. He’s well-versed in Psalm-culture. He could Psalm all day with the best of them.

Psalm has his gun aimed at the back of Babylon’s head.

“The secret assassin-scientists of the Kabbalist Remnant,” Balloon flexes his Psalm knowledge. “Your makers believe that they cracked the sacred man-machine code of God. 150 believers – prophets, rabbis, priests – volunteered for transcendence. I suppose you regret that now…”

BUZZ!

The man-machine hybrid ran amok for over a decade until the Union eradicated the sect of the Kabbalist Remnant. Then there were barely any remnants! But then, without any more running amok for a cause, they ran amok for a different cause instead. A flimsier cause, and the first one was pretty flimsy anyway.

Balloon has the Bible in his records even if it was phased out in the last 50 years! Psalms is an especially interesting read. Especially Psalm 137! Remember what that one was?

East of West, Issue #29

I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. *kiss*

Babylon reads the entire psalm to Mr. Psalm.

Then they do kiss.

East of West, Issue #29

Pol Pot doesn’t count as holy. He smashed kids against the trees.

They make the connection, and Mr. Robot starts sparking and buzzing. The man inside him starts getting angry. “They said the process could be reversed. They did not tell us that those who had families – husbands, wives, and children… that we would be relieved of that burden. They made us watch! They made us watch and said we would not remember!”

Well, that sucks a lot.

Mr. Robot has a flashback of his fellow scientists constructing the man-machine he would become today. “I remember the pain from what I saw, and then the lesser pain that followed,” he recounts as we see a dude start putting that traffic cone face mask on him. “All we wanted were answers to the hidden questions, and instead they took everything from us.”

Robot collapses. Babylon feels bad for the poor sap, and Balloon explains that it’s because someone committed fully to what turned out to be a lie. He committed when he didn’t even know who he really was. And that, my friend, is the real tragedy! Thank you for calling Customer Service!

“Humans find self-reflection terrifying, Babylon… it’s the real reason they’re afraid of the dark.”

“NO IT AIN’T!” screams a guy we thought was dead. “AIN’T AT ALL! People fear monsters. Monsters like Billy. Time for the bullet, boy.”

Balloon screams for Billy McWe-All-Wish-He-Would-Die to stop, but Billy yammers some more about Billy this and Billy that.

BLAM

A gun goes off! But it ain’t Billy’s gun, no sir. Billy’s gun is in Billy’s hand and there was a BLAM but ain’t no Billy BLAMming no boy in the dome.

East of West, Issue #29

Well hello there sir! *twirls hair*

“Do you see? It is as the Message foretold.”

Oh boy, Death and Babylon together at last! Riveting! I’ve been waiting a year to get to this point, in Issue #29, something I could’ve gotten to within a week if I read comic books like a normal-ass person.

“My, my… this makes things… interesting,” Balloon muses, clearly unprepared for Death’s arrival.
“Who is that?” Babylon shouts, open-mouthed.

Balloon decides that it’s time to introduce each other. Through Babylon’s filter, Death doesn’t look much different. Hatless.

“Thanks for saving me, mister. I think my dying would really upset Doctor Tusk. I’m Babylon. Nice to meet you.”

Death is bemused. He doesn’t even look happy to see him. I suppose Death is never happy about anything. “Do… do you know who I am?” he asks, his usually angered face softened up just enough to… yeah right, it doesn’t look any softer whatsoever.

Babylon turns on his Young Sheldon program and starts spewing all that gobbledygook about databases and mainframes and a 91% chance based on calculations that he’s filed under “Mythological > Artificial > Reanimate > Apocryphal > Horseman”. Death can’t argue with that one. “That’s what I am. I asked if you know who I am.”

Young Sheldon surmises that, if this chap is a Horseman, then he’s the Horseman that he hasn’t met yet, and that would make him Death, the fourth Horseman! Smart kid.

“Babylon,” Death sighs, actually softening up for real this time, “I’ve been searchin’ for you. Lookin’ everywhere I could and for a while I was beginnin’ to think I wouldn’t find you. And now, here you are. The best thing I’ve ever seen. Yes. I’m Death…”

East of West, Issue #29

You ain’t my daddy. I saw that episode of Maury already!

I’m sitting here in disbelief that Death actually has emotions beyond anger. I mean, I’ve seen it before, the way he’s a doormat to Xiaolian and the way he looked sad that Wolf and Crow were leaving him.

But…

Man…

Anyway, Death asks if Babylon’s ok, and he tells Father that he’s operating at 80% capacity. That’s a B- if you’re keeping track. Death looks mad again, checking out all his wires and inputs and those eyeball plugs he’s got. He just about readies himself to pull those suckers out, but Balloon advises against it. Death doesn’t like being advised nuthin’ by nobody, and he all but asks Babylon who this bossy mofo is.

“Oh, that’s Balloon. He’s my best friend and we’re on an amazing adventure together… we’re not quite sure exactly what we’re doing yet, but we’re working on a plan.”

Doesn’t that give you the warm and fuzzies? Death looks concerned. His face actually appears placid with fatherly love! I don’t even have this placid face and I have TWO children. Neither have plugs in their eyeballs, though. Maybe that makes a difference.

When Babylon tells his poppy that he’s planning on burning the whole world to the ground and starting fresh, he asks if Death would like to join him. And, honestly, that sounds kind of swell, actually. Death hops on his bug horse. Babylon hops on his pig. They ride out together toward the sunrise. I’m literally crying right now, but that may be because a crocodile keeps chomping on my nutsack.

Year Two is finished. The Three Horsemen have finished their refurbishment. They awaken as adult forms of their previously gendered selves. And now shit’s gonna get real. Now shit’s gonna get real.

Final Thoughts

Have you heard what the shit’s gonna get? That’s right, kids.

Year Three is next, and it’s the last year. 16 issues left to go, but I’m not ready to take that on yet. More Paper Girls! More other Image Comics! Hell, maybe some other lesser publishers! The world is my oyster, and it’s ripe for the plucking.

Or something.


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