The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 5: “Winternight”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Not much happens here today. Tam and Rand head back to their sad little farm somewhere in the outskirts of Emond’s Field and do a whole slew of horribly boring chores before preparing to eat their dinner.

Paranoid and nervous, Tam locks the front and back doors of the house, which is something Rand has never seen his dad do. Tam also pulls out a sword from a chest he keeps upstairs in his bedroom. It’s shiny and cool as shit, and much to Rand’s mother’s exasperation, Tam paid two coppers for the thing for reasons even he doesn’t know! They could’ve bought three more sheep with that, probably, Settlers of Catan-style. Instead, he bought something that he could accidentally poke his genitalia with if he’s not careful.

Robert Jordan makes a point to illustrate how cozy and humble the al’Thors’ little farmhouse is before the door bursts open, revealing a snarling human/demon hybrid of a creature ready to maim and kill the two of them. A skirmish ensues while a few more of the creatures show up. Tam tries to keep them at bay while Rand runs to the woods. Later, Tam meets up with him critically injured and already feverish. Rand learns that these creatures are Trollocs, supposedly fabled beings from ancient stories and here they were on their own farm trying to fuck them up! Crazy stuff happening in the world these days.

Rand intends to pick up some much-needed supplies from the house and cart Tam back over to Emond’s Field to get Nynaeve to heal the poor sucker, but he finds the house in shambles. Everything is either ruined or smeared in blood/feces! Four dead, smelly Trollocs lie on their floor…but one is pretending. He snarls in barely-intelligible tones, and he needs Rand to speak to Myrddraal, who is an even scarier being associated with the Dark One in all those wonderful stories that the gleeman is probably chock full of. Rand then kills the creature with Tam’s sword, collects what he needs, and heads back to Tam.

Tam’s gonna hella die. Rand wants to bring him back to Emond’s Field ASAP, but I don’t see how he’s going to do that very easily. Rand’s going to ruin Bel Tine with this nonsense. He would be wise to stay home and not be a bother.

Oh well. Off he goes anyway. Selfish.


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Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 7

Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 7 – “Target”

* Part 7 of 7 of Vol. 1 – “Boredom” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 7: “Target”! In the previous installment, Raito formulates a plan to throw off the scent of the guy spying on him. The plan involves him killing people in a manner that…throws everyone off the scent. The plan also involves calling some girls.

It sounds like something really fucked up is going to happen. This is the last chapter of Death Note Vol. 1. I hope you hated it as much as I did.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Target”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

“Going on a date to an amusement park? What kind of plan is that?” rebukes Ryuuku impatiently! Grumpily! I have to agree, Ryuuku. What the hell is this? Does Raito want a funnel cake?

It’s a date! A date with a girl! “Going on a date won’t rouse suspicion from the follower,” Raito explains to his young death god friend. I still think that’s a stupid idea. Raito wants to get his sociopathic bone on, obviously. Pretty flimsy plan with respect to Death Note matters, honestly.

Ryuuku, nonetheless, looks quite excited. He always looks excited. He clearly doesn’t find Raito’s plans annoyingly convoluted like I do. Perhaps being a death god is a boring existence and watching paint dry is a notch below whatever all this rigamarole is.

Raito approaches his unlucky date. “I’ve always wanted to go to Space Land since middle school,” she says, winking. Uh huh. Raito looks bored out of his skull already, wanting nothing more than to get away from this girl so he can go home and jerk off.

The girl is slightly confused, since Raito insisted that he wasn’t going to be going out at all until exams were finished! And Raito’s all like “uh, heh, well, uh, I changed my mind.” This is gripping storytelling. I hope they have fun at Space Land riding the Space Rocket to the Space Moon.

Raito and Unnamed Girl board a bus, and–

OH FUCK, WHO’S THAT?? This complete child molester is still following this kid, right on cue! He boards the bus too and starts making mental notes such as “usually he goes out to school, but now he’s going to an amusement park? He is obviously a kid.”

“Inspector Yamagi’s son is not suspicious,” this man says, jotting down his findings on a pad, “there is no need to further investigate this family.”

That’s it?! That’s all it took? Raito just had to step into Six Flags for seventeen seconds and he became completely absolved of all cautious distrust?? I want my money back! Boo!

Let’s close the book on this one! He vows to conclude the investigation completely after today. Hopefully Raito doesn’t do anything horribly incriminating within the next few hours!

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

Excellent! My REAL date has shown up!

So, yeah, just when this detective decides to call it quits, an incredibly creepy man boards the bus. Raito orgasms with delight that there are now eight people aboard. “PERFECT!” he thinks. Yes, yes. Eight. The immaculate number.

Our new passenger removes a gun from his sweatshirt, pulls back the hammer, and points it at the driver’s head.

“I’M HIJACKING THIS BUS!!” he proclaims!
“Eh?” says the driver, understandably confused. His reaction is suited for tackling a calculus problem rather than being threatened with a gun, but I never pretended that this was good writing!

“W…WAAAAA!” screeches another passenger. “AH…” goes another. A real range of emotion here. Raito sits stoically, almost smirking. Like he’s got everything under control.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

Don’t make me turn this bus around! There will be no Space Land for anyone!

“Driver, you know the phone number to Space Land, right?” asks the crazed gunman. And it’s his lucky day, because all bus drivers are required to know the phone number to Space Land off the top of their heads! The driver picks up the phone and calls the Prime Minister of Space Land, and the gunman instructs him to let Space Land know exactly what’s going on. And he does, right down to the nitty gritty details! Details such as “there’s a man with a gun on this bus” and “my bus has been hijacked by a man with a gun”, etc.

“He’s telling the truth, now listen carefully,” says the lone gunman, grinning with maniacal glee, “before the bus arrives, tell a girl to bring yesterday’s financial reports to the bus stop two stops before Space Land. If you do anything or call the police, I will kill all the passengers on the bus.”

Sounds pretty specific! I hope “a girl” brings “yesterday’s financial reports” in a manner that pleases Gun Man! OR, conversely, I’d like to see Raito with a bullet through his dome. That would also be an acceptable turn in the plot.

All the passengers except Raito and the Guy Following Raito look terrified. Raito’s nameless girlfriend appears to be praying. Raito looks bored and drugged. The Snoopy Investigator looks pretty pissed off, like “fuck this, I’m tired of being on buses during hijackings”.

The Snoopy Investigator is currently sitting behind Raito and his main squeeze. Raito gets the guy’s attention and surreptitiously passes him a note that lays out Raito’s plans to attack the hijacker when he isn’t looking and knock the gun right out of his penis-stroking hand! Raito’s dad taught him this, as he explains in the note, and he’s confident he will be able to pull it off. Plus, the hijacker is roughly 3’2” tall, so the kid can probably take him.

Mr. Irate Investigator stands bolt-upright and tells the kid to cork it! That sounds dangerous and stupid! Let him handle this, he’s a man for criminy’s sake! An honest-to-god MAN.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

Do I catch the raising diphthong onsets of a Canadian citizen??? *wink*

Smirkily, Raito jots down another note for the guy, but he arrogantly announces that the gunman can’t hear them anyway over the sound of the bus. I suppose that must mean that the bus is sputtering and heaving dangerously, because buses aren’t supposed to be that loud.

Raito’s plan continues without a hitch. After he detects a strange accent, the man explains that he’s Japanese American. We’re about three small-talk exchanges away from getting a name reveal! I’m on the edge of my fucking seat here. This is SUSPENSEFUL. I’m having a heart attack.

“Can you prove to me that you’re not the criminal’s partner?” Raito interrogates the guy now. Tables have turned! Don’t make him tell Father on you, he’s the Director of Whatever. A real big wig. This guy looks pretty nervous now. Even Raito’s girlfriend is getting weird about it, but Raito maintains his ever-confident composure. “This kind of thing happens often. Make people think that there’s only one criminal, but there’s really another one hiding around somewhere,” he says out loud. Kinda like how Lee Harvey Oswald was a decoy and the real killer stopped time, stuffed JFK’s head with TNT, and blew his stupid president brains all over Jackie’s pink suit! It’s just like that.

Raito’s behavior and actions clinches it, at any rate. “There’s no way around this,” the investigator thinks, “Yagami’s son is not the killer, otherwise the criminal would have died of a heart attack by now.” Well, since this kid is harmless, he slips him his FBI identification card. Raito didn’t see this one coming! The fuckin’ FBI is involved? Holy shit, that organization is world-renowned! Jimmy Woo! Mulder and Scully! This is big-time, baby!

And this is it. He gets the name of the agent.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

Japanese-American Raye Penber is in trouble! Someone should alert his partners, Karl Dandleton and Bobson Dugnutt!

OK, fair enough Mr. Raye Penber, sir! Raye Penber, is it? Here, let me write this down in this big scary-looking book here: R-A-Y-E P-E-N-B-E-R, got it. Heh heh heh. Everything seems to be in order here, I’ll let you handle this hostage situation.

Penber spends a lot of precious seconds wondering why L thinks Kira is in Japan in the first place. More people have died in America from mysterious Heart Attack Disease. Oh well, let’s focus at the task at hand instead. This hijacker was on the news recently: he robbed a bank and killed three people. This guy needs to bite the curb.

Mr. Killer Man slowly walks down the aisle, shoes tap-tap-tapping like in a spaghetti western. Raito “accidentally” drops a piece of paper on the floor of the bus, which sends Gun Face into a tizzy: “Hey! You don’t move! What’s on that little scrap?”

Mr. Gun Face Killer Man scoops the piece of paper up into his fat little imp hand. “Passing notes to each other? What are you guys doing?”

Oh shit, dude! The guy is gonna read the piece of paper! He’s gonna know we’re gonna ambush him! He’s gonna poop his pants and start shooting all sorts of bullets in about six seconds!

Here’s what the dreaded note says: “11:27 : Go to Space Land. The bus station south of the park”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

DO YOU DARE PULL A GUN ON THE GUNMAN?! I’M THE GUNMAN! STOP STEALING MY GUNMAN THUNDER!

Gunny Gunderson is livid. Raito smiles. Everything is falling into place like…so many…good Tetris pieces.

And this fool starts freaking out when RAYE PENBLMBER starts pulling a gun out of his breast pocket. But, the red herring here is that Ol’ Gunny isn’t even paying attending to Prernbmber. This sad-sack gets a full glimpse of clowny-face Ryuuku, who is standing in the back of the bus soaking in all the excitement. “DON’T JOKE AROUND, WHEN DID YOU GET THERE!?” yells Shooty Guns, and Ryuuku smiles all like “Are you talking about moi? Tee hee.”

The hijacker has a full-on panic attack. Obviously, we’re witnessing a chain of events that has been put into fruition by our young, buxom Ratio, the sly dog. This douchebag is going to have a heart attack because Raito made Ryuuku visible to him. Ryuuku is completely astonished that this guy can see him.

“I’M GOING… I’M GOING TO SHOOT YOU, YOU MONSTER!” the guy yells, hyperventilating like a nerd, eyes bulging out of his demented sockets.

Rayemond Prmbrr thinks this guy is hallucinating, which is going to be way more dangerous than before! He might shoot a gun about it! “Everyone get down!” Pmebrbe yells, while Ryuuku starts putting the pieces together. The page was ripped out of the Death Note, and since it was touched by Mr. High Jacker, he gets to have a face-full of pointy goth death clown.

Ryuuku is warned not to come any closer. Ryuuku comes closer. The gun goes off. It hits Ryuuku with a “SPLAT”, and he remains unharmed. He’s a Shinigami, after all! Bullets are useless, you big donkey!

The assailant’s bulging eyes start crossing and he burbles and gurbles and continues shooting his gun in the Ryuuku’s direction. BANG BANG BANG BANG. Ryuuku smiles like a nightmare. This Raito kid is one smart cookie, using all the information he told him! Most humans stick their fingers up their noses and go “duuuurrrrrr” when he tells them Shinigami rules, but not this kid! This kid has all his marbles! “No wonder he’s the smartest in the world,” the Shinigami grins. That’s all it really takes, huh? Pretty underwhelming shit, honestly.

The spaz runs out of bullets, much to Agent Prmrbr’s relief, and does an about-face to the front of the bus. “Stop the bus!! Open the door!!” he screams to the confused driver, who thought he was being hijacked but now it doesn’t appear to be the case anymore! So much for an electrifying day.

The bus stops, the door is opened, the guy trips on his way out, has a quick moment of self-satisfaction, and then gets hit by a goddamned car. Everyone on the bus watches in awe.

“Right on time. The Death Note is working perfectly,” Raito says, admiring the splendor of the scene that just unfolded in front of his very eyes.

And yes, everything that just happened in the last 15 pages was written in the notebook. Surprise, surprise. I think we get it by now, Tsugumi Ohba. The Death Note is magic.

And now Raito has the FBI agent’s name. He’s gonna make him eat his own butt.

Final Thoughts

ANTICLIMACTIC ENDING FOR THE END OF A VOLUME. Boo, manga. Boo.

I guess I’ll continue with this one for now before branching out to some other wretched series with 900 chapters. Seacrest out, yo.


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Giant Size X-Men #1 – “Deadly Genesis!”

* An issue of the X-Men: Chris Claremon Era *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Giant Size X-Men, Issue #1! Certainly, this is the only issue of Giant Size X-Men that matters, since this era is rife with reprints of older stories. And furthermore, w–

Oh, hello, hi! From 1975 – 1991, a lowly British comic book writer named Chris Claremont revitalized the desiccated corpse that was the X-Men comic book franchise. Not only did he breathe new life into it, but X-Men would have been a complete thing of the past without his essential involvement. Hell, they weren’t even printing new stories anymore. Each new issue for five straight years was a reprint of an old story. Even this Giant Size issue contains three stories dug up from the bottom of the dumpster, but I’m only going to focus on the first one. The first new X-Men story of the entire 1970s. “Deadly Genesis!”

This wasn’t even written by Claremont himself, but it kicks it off. If there is absolutely anything within the Marvel oeuvre that is considered mandatory reading, it’s Claremont’s 16-year run with the X-Men. So here I go, chipping away at it one issue at a time. I’m going to die before I get to the end of it, but at least I can say I tried!

Giant Size X-Men #1 [May, 1975]
Written by: Len Wein
“Deadly Genesis!”

Giant Size X-Men #1

Great! The art looks like dogshit. 1970s dogshit. Maybe I should be listening to Chick Corea jazz fusion while reading this in a bean bag near a lava lamp and my bead curtains.

“From the ashes of the past, there grow the fires of the future! The glory and grandeur begin anew with… SECOND GENESIS!”

Ok, so is this Deadly Genesis or is this Second Genesis. I’m already upset over the lack of continuity here. Reading this was a complete mistake.

Oh ok, it’s part one of the story. OK, fair enough…

Chapter I – “Second Genesis!”

There we go. Anyway, we start in the peaceful town of Winzeldorf, Germany, where Hitler hasn’t passed through for nearly 30 years! I wonder what he was up to in 1975. The townsfolk, wielding torches and speaking English, are stampeding toward a monster! Not just ANY monster! One of them Ex-Man type monsters!

“The fools! It is they who are the monsters – they with their mindless prejudices!”

This is a blue guy with a devil tail and a red coat with flared sleeves at the shoulders. Could be Beast? I’M NOT SURE. I’LL NEVER BE SURE.

This beastly blue beast – let’s just call him Maybe-Beast for now – thinks he should have stayed with “Der Jahrmarkt”. But, the life of a carnival freak is just not in the cards. It doesn’t seem cozy. He doesn’t want to be pelted with Mike & Ikes by unruly fat children with ice creams and propeller beanies. It is not befitting of the one Kurt Wagner!

OK, gotta look that up now I guess. Nightcrawler. He’s from Germany and his name is Kurt Wagner and he doesn’t like being in the circus. I guess there’s really not much more to know about him at this point.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Toxic masculinity on Page 2. We’re off to a good start.

He leaps around while a bunch of guys with fire want to murder him for being a circus freak. He lands on top of a roof, and the people threaten to burn the house down unless Nightcrawler comes down RIGHT NOW and takes his licks! It’s a resoundinging NO! Too bad they weren’t bluffing; many of them start launching their torches on top of the roof. “They’re utterly mad! Their threat was serious! They’ll destroy their entire village to make certain that they destroy me!”

Yes yes, Nightcrawler. You’re very important. It’s all about you, isn’t it? Well, fine. If they’re going to be a bunch of bastards, then the blue guy is going to leap down from the roof and start twisting necks and punching ovaries. THWAMM! CHOK! It only works for a bit, but since the village has a population of 17 billion it’s only a matter of time before Nightcrawler is– yep, he’s taken down!

Time to get the stake! Buffy the Vampire Slayer over here is gonna take his Mr. Pointy and fuck him right in the ass with it… but an individual off-panel says “STOP!” in puffy, blue letters. I can’t wait to see who it might be. Perhaps it’s Jesus. Or Martin Short.

Some bald wheelchair loser in a suit just starts rolling in like he owns the place. The entire town has been frozen in its tracks as if some BALD PIECE OF SHIT has stopped time! And indeed he has, for he is the most powerful bald piece of shit on the planet. “My name is Charles Xavier… I heard you say you’d come here to learn, my friend. I am a teacher. I run a school for gifted youngsters such as you. A school for mutants!”

OK, this seems a little rude and forward. Not to mention fast-paced. Xavier is desperate for recruits. He needs that government funding after all, gotta keep the enrollment up. Xavier tells Wagner that he can help reach his full potential. Wagner takes that to mean that Xavier will help him be normal, but that’s a laugh and half! What is “normal” anyway? Why, David Carradine accidentally killed himself jerking off! I’m sorry, what were you saying?…

Nightcrawler is like “done deal, sensei” and they both fuck off to the school for some reason.

Let us now travel to Quebec where a military base is doing covert military operation stuff. Really covert stuff. Covert as the dickens. It’s the home of a very special agency, with a very special agent: Weapon X.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Fuckin’ Wolverine bursting through the door like Kramer.

Weapon X, aka Wolverine, is like “what do you motherfucks want? I wanna watch Jeopardy!”

“I am the bigwig, Wolverine,” says Charles Xavier, sitting down for the occasion.
“Am I supposed to be impressed,” snorts Wolverine. Now we’re talkin’! This is the good shit already!

Xavier is here to make Wolverine an offer he can’t refuse. Wolverine’s interest is piqued! All like “GOOD SIR, THAT SOUNDS CAPITAL. I LIKE OFFERS. GIMME THE OFFER.” And that’s good! Because Charles Xavier has been paying attention to Wolverine’s angry punching and kicking and he desperately needs some mutants badly for his harem. I mean, school. Best of all, no more government agency bureaucracy! At the Xavier school, we have bags of money near trees that you can just pick up at your convenience! Consider that your salary.

Giant Size X-Men #1

He slices and dices! He will tear your clothes right off your body before you can say “no means no”!

A government hot shot comes in pointing his ugly, smelly finger. “Not so fast, fella! The government has invested a great deal of time and money turning you into what you are now!”

Yeah, ok. SNIKT! These are my claws, ho. Say that shit again and he’ll– TOO LATE! KRRIIIPP! Nice suit… or at least it WAS! HA HA HA HA HA!! 1975!!

The government agent promises that Wolverine hasn’t heard the last of them. Wolverine ain’t afraid. Time to block this popsicle stand and go to school. Lead the way, Professor! *pushes his wheelchair around the hallways gingerly*

Cut to Nashville. Professor Xavier recruits Banshee!

Cut to Kenya. Professor Xavier recruits Storm! There are many panels here of Storm flying around causing a storm by frolicking in the sky. The people are happy, for she has ended a drought with her dangerous monsoon! Don’t thank her, just pay her handsomely for the service!

Ororo thinks she’s a goddess, but she is actually a loathsome mutant. Come to Xavier’s school, they bought new textbooks!

Cut to Japan. Professor Xavier recruits Sunfire! Although Xavier knows Sunfire’s feelings about the Western world (extremely negative; he hopes many bombs will be dropped daily for years to come), he urges his old friend to come to the school and pound erasers! He’s in!

Cut to Siberia. Professor Xavier recruits Colossus! Peter Rasputin is working on his farm and sees a tractor heading right for his sister! Ye gods!

Giant Size X-Men #1

Oh no! Could this be the end… of a very valuable tractor??

So Peter Rasputin becomes Colossus and saves the day like Superman or maybe even Wonder Woman! The tractor is reduced to kindling!… metal kindling. The village will never afford another tractor for the rest of their sorry little lives, but it’s a small price to pay for trying to run over a little girl for some reason.

When Professor Xavier communicates with Rasputin telepathically, Rasputin is like “You want I come to ze America? Nyet… ok, ok, Da.”

Rasputin is a tough sell. Xavier’s gonna have to get his parents’ permission first! And so he does and it’s a pathetic display.

“Do as your heart tells you, my son. It will not betray you” laughs Daddy Rasputin, positively chuffed that his lowlife son will finally be leaving the house. Mommy Rasputin cries silently in her son’s arms. See ya in the funny pages!

Cut to Arizona. Professor Xavier recruits Thunderbird! John Proudstar, an Apache, hates his reservation and he can’t wait to call it quits on the whole Indigionous thing. It’s bothersome. His people are meant to be warriors and hunters. Not a bunch of old fucks dying on their porches like assholes. He takes his frustration out on a poor bull, who is likely dead by the time Xavier shows up.

“HUH??” Proudstar exclaims when Xavier rolls on up. “Now how in blazes did a cripple get way out here? Not that it matters much. You’ve got five seconds to vamoose, White-Eyes! I don’t want company – especially yours!”

Charles X (the “X” stands for “SEX”) strokes his chin and tells the angry Apache that he’s a mutant and also shut the fuck up.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Xavier can sweeten the deal. How about a rare Pokemon card? He’s got a holographic Charizard!

John Proudstar isn’t going to be swayed in two panels like all these other dipshits. Xavier brings the big guns then – he calls Proudstar a coward AND a chicken, just like all those other lazy, shiftless Apache! Buck buck buck buckaw! *flaps arms* *doesn’t kick legs*

Like Marty McFly, this guy does not like being called a chicken. Not even a little bit. SO he’ll go with Xavier! How about THAT?! That’ll shut you the hell up. Hahaha, Proudstar wins this round!

Xavier may have made a huge mistake here! “Will any of my new X-Men be equal to the task that lies before you? Or will you carry the world down into ruin?”

Should’ve thought of that before you wheeled around the whole planet collecting mutants, you bald dingus.

Chapter II – “…And When There Was One!”

Oooooh, we have chapters. Not parts, chapters! How very epic and quaint!

And lo, the X-Men have all assembled in Xavier’s school, striking poses on the staircase like the Brady Bunch. Wolverine is Greg. That Nightcrawler guy is Cindy.

First, Xavier had to give everyone a quick English lesson to get them all on the same page. This was very important to mention, and I’m glad five minutes was all it took. That saves us all a lot time!

Second, everyone gets costumes! Wolverine already had one, certainly, and being asked to part with it would be a fast track to getting one’s head punted across town! Everyone else is like “wow, this fits my muscled-bulged body so well, professor!” and “hey, I love how my costume shows 94% of the skin on my lovely hourglass-shaped body, professor!”, and Xavier starts throwing some dumb science about how he was able to make these costumes. Unstable molecules! Reed Richards gave Xavier these molecules. He had a whole pocket full of ‘em.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Easy there, cowboy. You don’t want to RE-stabilize those molecules, son!

So Sunfire is mad and impatient, they were all waiting for the MOST IMPORTANT X-MAN OF ALL, AND I BET YOU CAN ALL GUESS WHICH FIRE-EYED TALL DRINK OF WATER IT’S GOING TO BE.

“My friends,” Xavier announces with pomp and also, dare I say, circumstance, “allow me to present Scott Summers – THE MAN CALLED CYCLOPS!”

And verily, this self-important blowjob slams his way into the room. “He will fill you in on the details,” Xavier continues, launching his wheelchaired ass out of there and heading straight to Denny’s.

Here are the “details”: there are only seven of you X-Men left and we need your help to something something. Here, I’ll catch you up! *points to a clunky ‘70s command console* “This is Cerebro, our specially-designed mutant detector! It’s thru this mechanism that we discovered all of you – and lost all my closest friends!”

Well this is fucking melodramatic already. Thanks Scott, you really haven’t changed much in almost 50 years.

Giant Size X-Men #1

One punch to the ground will make the Earth explode, and to that, my friends, I say this: lol

The OG X-Men get namedropped: Cyclops (OF COURSE, UGH), Professor Xavier, Angel, Iceman, Marvel Girl, Lorna Dane, Cyclops’ brother Havok, and that’s all! That’s it!

Flashback to when everyone wasn’t lost and the Cerebro thing found other mutants. Specifically one mutant they want to collect before, like, the X-Men team from the Soviet Union snatches him up first. So, they all pile into their jet and fly to Krakoa so they can die in a volcano.

Jean Grey wishes they could contact the Beast! He has “dexterous digits”, which doesn’t seem too useful right now EXCEPT to quench Grey’s horny thirst! With contempt, Cyclops reminds the woman that Hank McCoy graduated and moved onto bigger and better things. Like teaching X-Man horticulture and growing some X-Man ferns.

They reach Krakoa. I hope someone brought their dexterous digits with them! *swoons*

“I think we took the wrong bus, gang,” Iceman looks around the island. “This place sure doesn’t look like Cleveland. All the insects in the air – the overgrown jungle! On second thought, maybe this Cleveland.”

Zing! Cyclops all but tells Vanilla Ice to shut the fucking fuck up and take this shit seriously. They gotta find a new mutant and they have no idea where to look! At all! Not at all! Xavier sent us on a fool’s errand and he, for one, doesn’t want to look the fool!

OH SHIT.

Flying green rocks barrel toward the group. The next thing Cyclops remembers is that his shirt was torn to shreds and his buddies were missing! All of them! As if Cyclops smelled really bad and they collectively agreed to book it.

But here’s the crazy thing! Cyclops’ eyes have been rendered uncovered! But wait, hold the phone…they aren’t doing anything. His optic blasts don’t work right now! “They’re normal… powerless… “ he says, thoroughly freaked out and not necessarily enjoying the situation as he really should.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Professor! It’s Denny’s!… it’s closed!

THEN Cyclops discovers that he’s back on the jet and he’s not even controlling it. Egads! “I spent the next five minutes pounding on the control panel, then resigned myself to the situation and sat back in my seat.”

Xavier is furious once Cyclops returns. The others are stuck on Krakoa? What the fuck, son? Even after Cyclops tries to show him the bright side, that his eyes are working normal, Xavier looks at him like he’s full of beans! Probably because his eyes are flaring up, you goddamned liar. “Quickly, Scott – grab some protective lenses!” Xavier shouts, positively dancing with fear. Scott’s like WAH WAH WAH WAAH WAAAAH I should have known better! I should have known that I would have to continue living with this horrible affliction!

Anyway, long story short, Cyclops needed better protective goggles so Xavier hoisted his ass out of his wheelchair and made him some better ones. Oh yeah, and his friends are still gone. That part is also a bummer. Wolverine looks impatient. “So now what?”

Here’s the now what, Pointy: WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO KRAKOA AND FIND THEM!

Sunfire is like, nuh uh girlfriend, Sunfire ain’t goin’ anywhere! Sunfire stayin’ right here! “I will have no PART in this fool’s errand!”

CYCLOPS CANNOT BELIEVE HIS EARS! “WHAT– ?” he was known to say. Why wouldn’t Sunfire want to help save some fellow mutants? Simple, poopypants! Sunfire hates his fellow mutants! Bunch of self-important jerks if you ask him, all obsessed with their super tough SPECIAL powers.

Cyclops has not a moment for this! Bye, Sunfire, have fun jerking off while Xavier watches. The rest are Krakoa-bound.

“Moments later, the Strato-Jet streaks skyward – and there is only one empty seat on board…”

Thanks, suspenseful narration. Does this mean Fatty Colossus is taking up two seats Kevin Smith-style?

Storm… I think it’s Storm… she made a storm in Africa so I’d say she’s Storm… so Storm chides Cyclops for having an altercation within 45 seconds of assembling the X-Men team for the first time. It wasn’t befitting of such a group of tights-wearing ninnies! Proudstar tells her to get used to it, cunt.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Hmmm… uhhhhmmm…. hrrmmmmm…

When the team realizes that the jet is being followed, they soon discover that a flying man is tailing them! WHY, IT’S SUNFIRE! And he’s come around! Good for him, that ol’ knucklehead! I knew he’d straighten up and fly right.

“Why did you change your mind, Sunfire?” Nightcrawler sneers, “Afraid to go home alone?”
“My reasons are nobody’s business but my own, misfit! You’d do well to remember that!” Sunfire spits like a sunny spitfire. This guy is going to learn a hard lesson when the Monster of Krakoa makes him eat his butt right off of a plate.

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The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 3 – “Squeeze”

The X-Files

“Mulder and Scully search for a humanoid killer whose savage murder sprees recur every thirty years.“

Mulder’s going to be like “Every thirty years, Scully. Every thirty years this supernatural being escapes from its supernatural prison and feasts on goats and children with propeller beanies during a full moon. Then it returns from whence it came, Scully. When I was a tiny little boy, it ate my uncle. And now I’m going to exact my revenge.”

And Scully’s going to be like “Anything could’ve eaten your uncle, Mulder. It was probably flesh-eating bacteria.”

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 3 - Squeeze

How dare you talk about my uncle’s flesh that way, Scully.

OK, let’s get this show on the road. We’re in Baltimore, which is somewhat right outside Washington D.C., right? I don’t have it in me to check a “map”. A suited man with a briefcase, possibly a lawyer, walks down the street after a long day of helping send innocent black people to prison. He walks by a sewer with yellow eyeballs peering at him.

Oh wait, maybe this guy was going to work, because he’s going to pull a late night at the office! He walks out to the hallway to get some coffee. A creepy crawly pushes its way out of an air intake vent and kills the man when he gets back to his desk! It is unseen! It returns back through the vent! And I’m really scared!

*intro music*

I’m shaking in my boots already, friends. Hopefully this isn’t flesh-eating bacteria. Back in Washington, Scully is having quite a dignified lunch with an old colleague played by a sexy, young Donal Logue. He mocks Scully for being involved with aliens and space mutants from Ork with spooky Fox Mulder.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 3 - Squeeze

Grounded for Life? I’ll show you grounded for life.

Speaking of weird shit, Special Agent Donal Logue speaks about a young college woman who was found dead in her 10′ x 12′ dorm room; doors locked, everything sealed. Her body was discovered with her liver ripped out of her torso with no apparent weapon. Bare hands! Disgusting. Hannibal Lecter is loose again. And then two days ago, a lawyer man was found dead with his coffee at his desk. Hey! We know that one! His liver is gone too.

Mulder takes his reputation as “Mr. Spooky” in stride. “Mr. Spooky” is his middle name, which he legally changed in 1981! Scully discusses with him later at the crime scene about how much ridicule she gets because she works with him, and Mulder is like “lol”. Donal Logue comes into the room and Mulder further embarrasses Scully by talking about gray aliens.

During his investigation, Mulder finds a pube under a desk and an elongated finger print on the outside of the vent. Mulder’s been collecting eleongated prints, and they all look the same. He’s got one from the 1960s. He’s got one from the 1930s. He’s got a rookie card one from the 1900s. Collect them all!

The verdict? A stretchy serial killer comes out of vents every 30 years! Scully hates this malarkey. HATES IT. She’s so mad she could take a shit! She warns Mulder that this is Donal Logue’s case, so back off. This ain’t an X-File. This ain’t even a J-File. The only J in here is you. “Jerk”, that is. Burn!

Later, Scully drafts up her preliminary report and spends a great deal of her time discussing the nutritious properties of liver. The room stares at her with pity. Scully suggests targeting liver fetishists. Her theory is approved, and she is assigned to work with Donal Logue on this very normal, not at all supernatural homicide case!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 3 - Squeeze

Lotta empty cans in the parking lot and I’ve got me a gun fulla bullets.

In the parking garage, somebody seems to be stalking Scully during her stakeout. She draws her gun and ends up pointing right at Mulder, who barely jumps! What a scamp.

While in the parking garage, Mulder, of course, sees and hears a creature banging around the air ducts. He runs back and grabs Scully, who yells at the duct and tells them to come out with their hands up! A man emerges from the vent, and it’s Doug Hutchinson (the guy from The Green Mile who married a child in real life).

So this dude is arrested and detained for some polygraph-style questioning. His name is Eugene Tooms and he’s a creep, end of story.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 3 - Squeeze

Hey, marrying a 16-year is legal… in the state of, uh… *checks Wikipedia* … uhhmmmm…

When asked if he ever killed a living creature, he says yes. When asked if ever killed a human being, he says no. Mulder had the interrogator ask questions like “are you 100 years old” and “were you kicking around in 1933” and “can I see your penis?”. He answers every question correctly, which proves the validity of lie detector tests! Mulder is still not convinced! This guy is the liver-eating stretchy murderer! And he makes people mad at him by saying as such. Really mad. It’s hilarious. Scully agrees to now jump on this as an X-File with Special Agent Foxy Mulder! This is almost entirely because she is very curious about what Mulder’s “inkling” is about all this. She really wants to see his “inkling”. So, he invites her down to his secluded, windowless basement office where he is happy to show her his “inkling”.

Mulder has prints collected from Tooms. He also has the stretched prints collected from the vent, plus the other ones he’s keeping around that are decades old. He does fancy 1993 computer manipulation with Encarted ’95 and proves that they are one and the same! Scully all but says “buh” about this revelation.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 3 - Squeeze

These baseball cards are covered in alien ectoplasm, Scully.

We, the audience, get to see Tooms being a disgusting, wall-scaling menace. He climbs a random guy’s house and forces his way down the tight chimney. Inside the house, he fucks this guy’s shit right up. And the next day, Donal Logue is starting to really get frustrated. Another stolen liver; maybe this is some nefarious black market organ trading scheme! Or maybe it’s ghoulies and monsters.

It’s research time, kids. Mulder loves to roll up his sleeves and hit the public record microfilm archive! He discovers an old criminal record which lists a Eugene Tooms adventure from 1903, where he killed a man who lived in the apartment above him. Time to track this motherfucker before he disappears and returns in 2023! Hey, that’s coming up quick anyway. Maybe we’ll just wait again.

Mulder spends hours scanning birth certificates with his ancient-ass analog reader. Scully sits there frowning. They’re coming up short, maybe because this guy was never born or he never died or something. They do have a lead, though. They visit an old detective in a retirement home who looks like skinny George R. R. Martin. “I’ve seen murder in my day!” he says shakily, like he’ll croak any minute. He was working on the same investigation in 1933. He suspects the same guy in 1963, but by then he was rotting at his desk assignment before retirement.

This old man tells a Holocaust story and then asks Mulder to grab a box with old photos. This man is aware of Tooms, and he shows photos from 1963 where Tooms looks exactly the same. Ageless. Ready to marry a 16-year-old if she gets close enough to him.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 3 - Squeeze

He’s even got the same timeless bowl cut!

What’s next? Mulder and Scully investigate the old, abandoned apartment building where Tooms killed his upstairs neighbor. It reeks of who-cares-waste-of-time until Mulder finds a man-sized hole in the wall with a ladder that leads under the floorboards. The area’s walls are covered with rags and newspapers; a makeshift nest. There’s a table full of trinkets collected from murder victims. It smells bad in there. Mulder says this is where Tooms hibernates, sustaining on livers until he’s ready to wake up in three decades! Scully huffs and sighs. Mulder’s gonna hang out here for a bit, breathing in the sweet, sweet air.

Tooms is there, though. It won’t be a good scene, man. Some real shit’s gonna go down! He clandestinely grabs Scully’s necklace from around her neck as she leaves the area.

The next morning comes. Mulder had been staking out the building through the dead of night, and he arranges for two of Agent Donal Logue’s men to switch shifts. As you could possibly imagine, this throws Donal “Grounded for Life” Logue into a completely indignant tizzy! He takes it out on Scully, who is like “the Mulder gets what the Mulder wants”. He hates her now, and he also called off the stakeout.

Scully has the night off and prepares a bath in her humble abode. Mulder knows she’s going to die because he found her necklace in Tooms’ apartment! SHE’S NOT PICKING UP HER PHONE, THOUGH! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL, SCULLY! DON’T YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR LIVER?!

So, yeah, she gets attacked in her bathroom after Tooms slithers through her air vent. Mulder breaks into the place guns a-blazin’! While Tooms is distracted, Scully handcuffs his ass to the tub. Foiled!

Later, having been rightfully defeated in an undignified manner, Tooms spends his time in his little sanitarium cell alone looking sweaty and licking newspapers. Scully has run some tests; this guy’s metabolism and muscle structure and yada yada are weird. Seems like something that should be looked into further. Oh well.

An orderly drops food off through a narrow slot in the door and walks away. Tooms looks at the narrow slot in the door with sweaty satisfaction.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 3 - Squeeze

Oh baby… I’m gonna fuck that slot!

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 4 — “Conduit”
Scully and Mulder find a downed power line on the ground in front of the Pentagon. Mulder tries to push Scully to touch it with him so they can attain the “powerful alien brain waves” needed to enter the sixth dimension and stop Commander Brrsszzt of Planet Xxxsrrxxyp.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 4: “The Gleeman”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

With Padan Fain, the peddler, occupied with the Village Council while they wring him out for every bit of information they can get about the war in Ghealdan and/or the Dragon and/or the Aes Sedai, the children in the village stand there all like “Buhhh”…

…that is, until that fucking gleeman finally shows up! And let me tell you, he’s quite a cranky bastard. All moaning and bitching about how long it took to get to Emond’s Field and how piss-poor the accommodations have been and how shiity the Mayor is and how this Bel Tine festival seems like a useless waste of taxpayer money. He even throws shade at the town’s Wisdom, Nynaeve, especially since she’s, like, nineteen years old. The kids are trying very hard to stay gleeful around the gleeman, but ESPECIALLY Egwene gets very mad for a moment that this guy has come to their humble town just to drop his pants and shit all over it.

The gleeman wises up to the sadness he has inflicted upon the children and starts juggling and flipping and promising to tell every story that has ever existed. I don’t know how he’ll do that in a day, and it sounds dreadfully dull to me, but the townsfolk gather and start eating it up.

But then that Moiraine woman pops in, and the gleeman is less than pleased to see her. He bows repeatedly like a loon and maintains strained politeness. Something weird is going on there. I look forward to seven books in a row all about the gleeman and only the gleeman. No other characters but the gleeman. Gleeman.

Tam al’Thor comes out of his Village Council meeting and tells Rand that they’re blowing this popsicle stand. Now. No sleepovers before the Festival. They’ll be back tomorrow. Maybe they’ll order a pizza. He assures Rand that there should be nothing to worry about with the battles popping up all over the country and the Aes Sedai advancing south. Emond’s Field is a podunk town that nobody would want to be caught dead accidentally stumbling upon anyway. Plus, there’s stuff in the way like mountains and forests. You can’t even pass through! That being said, a bunch of guards are going to the corners of the Two Rivers to, you know, keep watch. Even though there’s nothing to worry about, son! But…yeah, maybe.

Tam also finally believes Rand about the mysterious black-cloaked man. Many children have claimed to see the exact same thing, so it’s possible that this tall, dark, and handsome customer only makes himself seen by kids who are 16 and under. Sounds crazy, but this is a book full of magic so why not suspend disbelief? Rand is thrilled at every kid in town has seen this dude and feels validated.

Maybe he’s not a bad guy! Perhaps he has candy.


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