Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Blood”

* Part 4 of 6 of the Blood storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Blood”! In the previous installment, Wonder Woman learns that she wasn’t actually a clay baby who became a real girl. As it turns out, her mother fucked Zeus and got pregnant from Zeus’ powerful semen, and if Hera found out about this she would have smother Wonder Baby with a pillow in her IKEA crib. So Hippolyta kept this a secret for the last *looks up Wonder Woman’s age* 5,000 years? What the fuck?

She decides to exile herself from Paradise Island. Maybe she’ll settle down in Kosovo and sell bureks on the streets in Pristina.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [February, 2012]
Written by: Brian Azzarello
“Blood”

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Uh oh, a visit from the Peacock Lady Hera is nigh! Look out, Wonder Woman, she wears that getup when she wants to murder horses.

We begin in Darfur, which is always a fun place be find oneself in, where Blue Man Woman Killer walks calmly through a burning town presently rife with gun violence. He enters a bar; the bloody bartender is slumped over the bar. An old man with blood on his pants sits on a stool with a drink. “Hello, brother,” he welcomes the almighty…whoever, who obviously just blue himself. I had to look his name up since I don’t think anyone has actually addressed him. It’s Apollo. As in Apollo Creed. Carl Weathers!

“Hell low, indeed,” Apollo responds. Very clever.
“What brings you here?”
“I’m concerned about you.”
“Liar,” says the old one, overflowing his shot glass with more liquor. These two seem to be buds! I wonder what their backstory is? Oh yeah, I remember now, it’s WHO CARES! lol

The old man is War, even though War is supposed to be a woman, and it sounds like he’s plumb tired of war! So very tired. Maybe because it’s Darfur and it’s been going on forever now. He should probably just leave.

NO! War is needed more than ever in these grim days, so get that fire lit under your ass. There’s work to do.

Speaking of work to do, Diana doesn’t seem to be doing any work right now. She’s hanging out in a London punk club with Strife, Zola, and Hermes. The former is schmoozing around seducing dudes. The latter two are talking amongst themselves at a table.

“I’m worried about her, Zola,” says Hermes, dressed in camo and sunglasses lookin’ like a real punk-ass punk. Not one of them poser-types! Hermes finds it odd that Diana can just pretend her problems away right now and indulge in the sweet, sweet crooning of Anal Cunt. Zola’s not worried! Diana needs a break from all the Amazonian pressure. That place was tense, man.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Plus, she LOVES watching GG Allin rub his own shit all over his face.

HELL YEAH. Strife is all about this, as well! The wine is incredible. “Come have a drink with me, Baby Sister,” she yells to Diana with two glasses in hand. Let loose! Let’s start slamdancing these fucking freaks, throw them against the bricks.

“Well, we’re family now,” Strife says in response to Diana’s chiding, “and in this family there are two kinds of members: those against you, and those against you.” She smiles, pouring a drink, toasting to family.

Back at Paradise Island, where it’s not quite so paradise-y all of a sudden, Hera causes a torrential storm upon her arrival. Dessa, one of Hippolyta’s advisors, summons the guards. Hippolyta tells her to shove it. She can handle this.

“Hera has good reason to make herself known on Paradise Island. While you and all our sisters do not. It’s best for all if I face Hera alone…” she says, grabbing a large axe off the wall. Time for Hippo to guillotine Hera. Poetic justice!

“She can be a real bitch, that one,” Strife says in the bar, referring to her bitch sister. Ms. Bitch.

“Takes one to know one?” Zola responds casually. Strife is starting to like this young woman.

“I wouldn’t trifle with the Amazon, Strife. Not now,” Hermes says, white knighting all over the place. Pfft. Strife’s doing Diana a favor! Fuck Paradise Island! Fuck her mother! It’s Chinatown, baby!

*swig*

Hermes is still concerned. All this meddling will surely come to a head, and he doesn’t want to be around when it happens. “Hera will have her pound of flesh…” he warns.

Strife strokes Zola’s bare midriff. “Indeed. So perhaps if we extracted it for her…”

Oh now you’ve done it. Diana suddenly appears and grips Strife’s arm tightly! Angrily! Bitchily! She holds her hand down on the bar and jams a broken glass right into it! Hell yes!

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Oh man, how bad is it? Is it bad? I don’t want to look.

Strife doesn’t do much more than wince and pout. “That pound of our flesh is mine to protect,” Diana snarls. Strife removes her bloody hand from the bar, licks it, and holds it up to Diana’s cheek. “I promise it won’t happen again,” she tells her sister, but this time there isn’t a hint of joviality on her face whatsoever. It’s personal now!

I’ve seen a lot of blood so far. They should probably name this issue “Blood”. Or perhaps the whole storyline. It was my idea, I thought of it first.

“You have offended me,” Hera coldly tells her baby momma.
“That was never my intention, Goddess,” Hippo hangs her head in shame, intending everything.

Snarl. Growl. Hippo hangs her head in shame again. “I did it to protect my daughter.”
Growl. Snarl. “–MY husband’s daughter! MY HUSBAND’S!”
Snarl. Growl. Snarl. Snarl. “I am the Queen of the Gods,” Hera backs off a little bit and starts getting mopey, “The Goddess of Women…ultimately, yet, a woman.”

“Why, Hippolyta? Why would you do this to me? To another woman? What did he say to make you love him? What can I do to make him…”

Well, Hera, things seem to be getting a teensy bit awkward now that you’re pouring your heart out about your failing marriage. BUT, she trails off because Hippo’s Paradise Island Warriors of Anti-Paradise are starting to close in. “We will protect our queen to the death,” declares Aleka, the Jousting Superstar.

Well isn’t that hunky dory, but Hippolyta SPECIFICALLY STATED THAT THIS IS HER BATTLE TO FIGHT. You fucking jerks. Go home and find something else to do. Take a break for once in your pathetic lives! It’s not all defending queens and maintaining honor, you know. There’s, like, gardening and building computers and knitting and woodworking and stuff.

“You inspire their loyalty,” Hera says with a slight sneer, “You should be proud.”

Well, fuck you lady. Diana left the island because of them. They laughed and called her names. Wouldn’t let her join in any reindeer games. Anyway, Hera, please forgive Hippolyta for fucking your husband. He was pretty good. You should be proud. Heh.

“Queen Hera… My goddess… Forgive me,” Hippo begs solemnly on her knees.

There are about seven panels that show the Amazons drawing their arrows as Hera raises her axe in a head-chopping manner. At the last second she decides not to guillotine anyone today.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

It’s ok dear. I wasn’t really gonna kill you, I swear. I was just gonna, you know, shave a little meat off a cheek or something, haha.

“Queen Hippolyta… I wish I could.”

London, after the wild club party, Zola stops by Diana’s room to thank her for the good time. Diana agrees that it was a good time, but she feels uneasy. But Zola is worse. She falls backward on the bed, gripping her head on both sides in the universal sign of “oh god ughh shiiiit”.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Can I at least get my stuff? Changes of clothes? My phone? I got peanut butter in the cabinet.

Diana can’t let Zola go home. Zola genuinely asks her why not? It’s easy. Just be like “here’s a plane ticket, go home”. Diana makes it about her instead, tells Zola that she left her home too. It’s not like she can go back either. She didn’t really belong there anyway, made out of clay or conceived by actual gods or whatever the real story is. She felt like a black sheep. Zola makes it about her again, tells Diana that she didn’t even have any sisters, let alone an island full of them! No real family to speak of. Her dad’s in prison, for God’s sake! Ever since she was a baby! Do you know how that feels? He robbed Clarence Thomas in 1989, stole his TV dinner.

And her mom? Well, she sucks. Who cares about her, Zola hasn’t seen her in years. Plus she died, that probably didn’t help the not-seeing-her part. So, honestly, maybe leaving that house is a blessing in disguise! A blessing dressed up as a ghost! Boo!

Diana decides to walk away from this sad-sack and talk to the other sad-sack in the house. He’s got a remote control in his hand. “Hermes, I’ll trade you,” she smiles, holding out her sword and shield. Hermes smiles too and accepts the trade agreement. Did she get the remote control? Did she want to watch The Masked Singer?

No, she’s got Hermes’ staff. It looks kind of like that medicine symbol with the twisty snakes. She returns to Paradise Island where, wouldn’t you know it, there are a million snakes writhing around on the ground. Hissing and squirming. If Wonder Woman thought she was uneasy in the London apartment, well ma’am, check out some snakes.

“Mother…” she talks to the empty downtown square, “I made a mistake. I reacted to what you did. Instead of listening to why. And… I’m sorry for what I did. For hurting you. You deserve better. I’m your daughter. Your blood. It’s something I always wished I was, and I am now.”

And it’s too late!

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Atonement isn’t in the cards anymore, Snakey Slithers.

Why is it too late? Because she is talking to her mother in the square. Her mother is made of stone now. She’s the brown thing in the above picture.

That’s the climax of the issue, right? So we need a proper cliffhanger. In lieu of THAT, here’s the next scene anyway.

“I have some surprising news about our father, War,” says Apollo. He’s missing. This is what he learned in Issue #1 before murdering three women and turning them into unsexy, fiery skeleton bones! In fact, he doesn’t exist at all.

“Murdered?” asks War, interest piqued.
“It would take his own blood to do so.”
“Ah. Now I understand the pleasure of this visit.”

War assures that all this blood all over his slacks, the bar, the small Darfur town, none of it is Zeus’. For reals, dawg. This is civilian blood! Sorry to disappoint you, bro.

Ha! That’s not why Apollo’s there, you silly goose! But others in the family might think it’s Zeus’ blood. And now you, War, are on the chopping block. You know how their family can be, right? Fuckin’ rude. Thanksgiving is going to be super awkward. So Apollo says War needs his help. Allies, see?

Ha! Apollo, you silly goose! It is YOU who needs the help, my kind and virile sir.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Hey Mr. No-Eyeballs, you’re wasting 148-year-old scotch!

Throughout this conversation, Apollo doesn’t really know which side his brother is on. He’s jerking him around a little bit. “Our fate, it’s not up to us. It’s always been in mortal hands. Open your eyes and see what they hold… the world will be ruled by war.”

“It’s inevitable,” War finalizes, walking away.

Final Thoughts

This really does feel like the East of West endtimes shenanigans. And I’m not sure exactly where they’re going with this, except maybe everyone wants to kill Zola’s baby, but they all want to kill each other too. Some shameful pettiness is afoot. I hope it ends with Wonder Woman saying “screw this” and getting shitfaced at the bar every night.


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East of West, Issue #29 – “Prodigal”

* Part 14 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #29 – “Prodigal”! It’s been a long journey, but we’ve reached the end of Year Two of the Apocalypse! Nothing apocalyptic has happened yet. I think Babylon brought his Nintendo Switch with him. In the previous installment, a gang of terrifying assassins are looking to intercept Babylon’s journey and kill the fuck out of his face. Meanwhile, Death is scrambling to find this kid before anything happens to him. He even had to light a rhyming eyeball’s butt on fire to see where he had to go next! Thrilling!

Here it is, the moment of truth. Who’s going to die next?? Will it be me?? Read on to find out!

East of West, Issue #29 [August, 2016]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Prodigal”

East of West, Issue #29

“Follow me. I will show you what Death looks like.”

I’ve already seen plenty of Death, and let me tell you, there’s not much to look at. You could break him like a twig.

Ahab’s Pass, where Babylon and Balloon have currently set up camp, where Death’s Eyeball marked the map, where the traveling band of assassins are heard. Everything converges at Ahab’s Pass! There’s probably some allegory to Moby Dick or the Bible, but it’s lost on me. I don’t know the difference between those two books anyway.

“Balloon… I’m sure you’ve noticed that I haven’t accessed most of my databases after we concluded my last lesson. You know, the one with all the murder.”

Yes, Balloon had noticed. And he’s not a fan of this, as he puts it, “reckless and defiant behavior”. How is anyone supposed to make a killer out of this kid if he won’t even read up on the art of killing??

Babylon claims that he has been too busy working on his independence to dilly-dally with learning about being more of a psychopath than he already is. Unfortunately, working on independence isn’t going too well. And now he needs to face a whole bunch of rogue killers who have been paid to kill him! Balloon warned him, and now he needs to take the test. If you’re cramming last-minute, then you already don’t know enough. I had professors tell me that all the time, those assholes. I’ll show you cramming last-minute.

“Please access my advanced combat, tactical evasion and survivor protocols,” Babylon commands his trusty floating friend, preparing himself with more roughhousing. If he can beat a Horseman, then this should really be no problem. And it probably won’t be! But let’s keep reading. Stop interrupting me.

East of West, Issue #29

BILLY LIKES HIS CHICKEN SPICY!

“So…” Babylon addresses some new buddies who have joined him at the campfire. “You guys want to introduce yourselves or should I just leave the graves unmarked.”

Ooooooh, a tough guy! Well, look here you little shit, there will be two hits. Me hitting you and you hitting the floor. Or is it me hitting the floor, creating an earthquake that hits you? Either way, you’re dead meat, kiddo.

Through Babylon’s viewpoint, Billy Blackgun looks pretty similar to his real form. Just toothier. The flying robot bug guy, Psalm, looks like one of them Ezra Orion Hell Demons, who tells him that he will take no pleasure in this little boy’s eradication. “You’re simply a task to be completed. No more. No less.”

Babylon calls him a weirdo and turns to the third one. “How about you, ma’am? Anything creepy you want to say?”

“Nope.”

Babylon casually decides upon, after some deliberation, a Tournament of Death. That seems like the most enjoyable option. Chess was on the table, for example.

It’s go time! Balloon lifts the kid up in the sky. Blackgun is the biggest physical thread, but Psalm has the most mobility. The third one is a big question mark, but Balloon will follow up once he has more info! “Always worry about the one who doesn’t show their hand,” he advises. Thank you for calling Customer Service.

Babylon throws a very thin stick up into the air, which confuses the third one, Ursula. The stick hits a precarious boulder, which begins a rockin’ on its precipice. Before the third one gets a chance to shoot off his gun, the boulder crushes that Ursula fucker with a sickening KRUNCH. It’s sickening to me because there wasn’t a lamer onomatopoeia! I would’ve settled with KARRYYYMMPPCK.

Billy immediately does not care that his companion has been flattened like a pancake! “Ursula ain’t Billy. Big rock ain’t Billy. You done focused on the wrong thing, boy. Billy over here, blasting you to hell.” BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM. “You underestimated Billy. Billy Blackgun ain’t nobody’s second option. So Billy got the drop on you. Ain’t no one ever got the drop on Billy.”

I’m getting pretty sick of Billy. I’m looking forward to another boulder soon please.

Oh good, a warthog shows up and gores the living crap out of Billy Blackgun.

East of West, Issue #29

Man, that’s going to really leave a wack-ass scar.

“Hey! Nice job, Mister Tusk!” shouts Babylon from a cliff’s edge.
“Oink! Oink!”
“I’m sorry… Doctor Tusk.”

Babylon gets so distracted talking to Doctor Tusk that he forgets about the last guy. The robot bug guy. He’s swift and he flies, so let’s take care of him now so that we can all go back to cooking canned beans over the fire. Delicious!

Buzz! Hey creepy kid and floating orb! Buzz! Do you know about the Psalms? Buzz! There were 150 made, and this one is #137! Buzz Buzz! And he’s the only one left! BZZZZZZ!

Balloon knows who this guy is. He knows the Psalms. He’s well-versed in Psalm-culture. He could Psalm all day with the best of them.

Psalm has his gun aimed at the back of Babylon’s head.

“The secret assassin-scientists of the Kabbalist Remnant,” Balloon flexes his Psalm knowledge. “Your makers believe that they cracked the sacred man-machine code of God. 150 believers – prophets, rabbis, priests – volunteered for transcendence. I suppose you regret that now…”

BUZZ!

The man-machine hybrid ran amok for over a decade until the Union eradicated the sect of the Kabbalist Remnant. Then there were barely any remnants! But then, without any more running amok for a cause, they ran amok for a different cause instead. A flimsier cause, and the first one was pretty flimsy anyway.

Balloon has the Bible in his records even if it was phased out in the last 50 years! Psalms is an especially interesting read. Especially Psalm 137! Remember what that one was?

East of West, Issue #29

I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. *kiss*

Babylon reads the entire psalm to Mr. Psalm.

Then they do kiss.

East of West, Issue #29

Pol Pot doesn’t count as holy. He smashed kids against the trees.

They make the connection, and Mr. Robot starts sparking and buzzing. The man inside him starts getting angry. “They said the process could be reversed. They did not tell us that those who had families – husbands, wives, and children… that we would be relieved of that burden. They made us watch! They made us watch and said we would not remember!”

Well, that sucks a lot.

Mr. Robot has a flashback of his fellow scientists constructing the man-machine he would become today. “I remember the pain from what I saw, and then the lesser pain that followed,” he recounts as we see a dude start putting that traffic cone face mask on him. “All we wanted were answers to the hidden questions, and instead they took everything from us.”

Robot collapses. Babylon feels bad for the poor sap, and Balloon explains that it’s because someone committed fully to what turned out to be a lie. He committed when he didn’t even know who he really was. And that, my friend, is the real tragedy! Thank you for calling Customer Service!

“Humans find self-reflection terrifying, Babylon… it’s the real reason they’re afraid of the dark.”

“NO IT AIN’T!” screams a guy we thought was dead. “AIN’T AT ALL! People fear monsters. Monsters like Billy. Time for the bullet, boy.”

Balloon screams for Billy McWe-All-Wish-He-Would-Die to stop, but Billy yammers some more about Billy this and Billy that.

BLAM

A gun goes off! But it ain’t Billy’s gun, no sir. Billy’s gun is in Billy’s hand and there was a BLAM but ain’t no Billy BLAMming no boy in the dome.

East of West, Issue #29

Well hello there sir! *twirls hair*

“Do you see? It is as the Message foretold.”

Oh boy, Death and Babylon together at last! Riveting! I’ve been waiting a year to get to this point, in Issue #29, something I could’ve gotten to within a week if I read comic books like a normal-ass person.

“My, my… this makes things… interesting,” Balloon muses, clearly unprepared for Death’s arrival.
“Who is that?” Babylon shouts, open-mouthed.

Balloon decides that it’s time to introduce each other. Through Babylon’s filter, Death doesn’t look much different. Hatless.

“Thanks for saving me, mister. I think my dying would really upset Doctor Tusk. I’m Babylon. Nice to meet you.”

Death is bemused. He doesn’t even look happy to see him. I suppose Death is never happy about anything. “Do… do you know who I am?” he asks, his usually angered face softened up just enough to… yeah right, it doesn’t look any softer whatsoever.

Babylon turns on his Young Sheldon program and starts spewing all that gobbledygook about databases and mainframes and a 91% chance based on calculations that he’s filed under “Mythological > Artificial > Reanimate > Apocryphal > Horseman”. Death can’t argue with that one. “That’s what I am. I asked if you know who I am.”

Young Sheldon surmises that, if this chap is a Horseman, then he’s the Horseman that he hasn’t met yet, and that would make him Death, the fourth Horseman! Smart kid.

“Babylon,” Death sighs, actually softening up for real this time, “I’ve been searchin’ for you. Lookin’ everywhere I could and for a while I was beginnin’ to think I wouldn’t find you. And now, here you are. The best thing I’ve ever seen. Yes. I’m Death…”

East of West, Issue #29

You ain’t my daddy. I saw that episode of Maury already!

I’m sitting here in disbelief that Death actually has emotions beyond anger. I mean, I’ve seen it before, the way he’s a doormat to Xiaolian and the way he looked sad that Wolf and Crow were leaving him.

But…

Man…

Anyway, Death asks if Babylon’s ok, and he tells Father that he’s operating at 80% capacity. That’s a B- if you’re keeping track. Death looks mad again, checking out all his wires and inputs and those eyeball plugs he’s got. He just about readies himself to pull those suckers out, but Balloon advises against it. Death doesn’t like being advised nuthin’ by nobody, and he all but asks Babylon who this bossy mofo is.

“Oh, that’s Balloon. He’s my best friend and we’re on an amazing adventure together… we’re not quite sure exactly what we’re doing yet, but we’re working on a plan.”

Doesn’t that give you the warm and fuzzies? Death looks concerned. His face actually appears placid with fatherly love! I don’t even have this placid face and I have TWO children. Neither have plugs in their eyeballs, though. Maybe that makes a difference.

When Babylon tells his poppy that he’s planning on burning the whole world to the ground and starting fresh, he asks if Death would like to join him. And, honestly, that sounds kind of swell, actually. Death hops on his bug horse. Babylon hops on his pig. They ride out together toward the sunrise. I’m literally crying right now, but that may be because a crocodile keeps chomping on my nutsack.

Year Two is finished. The Three Horsemen have finished their refurbishment. They awaken as adult forms of their previously gendered selves. And now shit’s gonna get real. Now shit’s gonna get real.

Final Thoughts

Have you heard what the shit’s gonna get? That’s right, kids.

Year Three is next, and it’s the last year. 16 issues left to go, but I’m not ready to take that on yet. More Paper Girls! More other Image Comics! Hell, maybe some other lesser publishers! The world is my oyster, and it’s ripe for the plucking.

Or something.


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 5: “Winternight”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

Not much happens here today. Tam and Rand head back to their sad little farm somewhere in the outskirts of Emond’s Field and do a whole slew of horribly boring chores before preparing to eat their dinner.

Paranoid and nervous, Tam locks the front and back doors of the house, which is something Rand has never seen his dad do. Tam also pulls out a sword from a chest he keeps upstairs in his bedroom. It’s shiny and cool as shit, and much to Rand’s mother’s exasperation, Tam paid two coppers for the thing for reasons even he doesn’t know! They could’ve bought three more sheep with that, probably, Settlers of Catan-style. Instead, he bought something that he could accidentally poke his genitalia with if he’s not careful.

Robert Jordan makes a point to illustrate how cozy and humble the al’Thors’ little farmhouse is before the door bursts open, revealing a snarling human/demon hybrid of a creature ready to maim and kill the two of them. A skirmish ensues while a few more of the creatures show up. Tam tries to keep them at bay while Rand runs to the woods. Later, Tam meets up with him critically injured and already feverish. Rand learns that these creatures are Trollocs, supposedly fabled beings from ancient stories and here they were on their own farm trying to fuck them up! Crazy stuff happening in the world these days.

Rand intends to pick up some much-needed supplies from the house and cart Tam back over to Emond’s Field to get Nynaeve to heal the poor sucker, but he finds the house in shambles. Everything is either ruined or smeared in blood/feces! Four dead, smelly Trollocs lie on their floor…but one is pretending. He snarls in barely-intelligible tones, and he needs Rand to speak to Myrddraal, who is an even scarier being associated with the Dark One in all those wonderful stories that the gleeman is probably chock full of. Rand then kills the creature with Tam’s sword, collects what he needs, and heads back to Tam.

Tam’s gonna hella die. Rand wants to bring him back to Emond’s Field ASAP, but I don’t see how he’s going to do that very easily. Rand’s going to ruin Bel Tine with this nonsense. He would be wise to stay home and not be a bother.

Oh well. Off he goes anyway. Selfish.


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Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 7

Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 7 – “Target”

* Part 7 of 7 of Vol. 1 – “Boredom” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 7: “Target”! In the previous installment, Raito formulates a plan to throw off the scent of the guy spying on him. The plan involves him killing people in a manner that…throws everyone off the scent. The plan also involves calling some girls.

It sounds like something really fucked up is going to happen. This is the last chapter of Death Note Vol. 1. I hope you hated it as much as I did.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Target”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

“Going on a date to an amusement park? What kind of plan is that?” rebukes Ryuuku impatiently! Grumpily! I have to agree, Ryuuku. What the hell is this? Does Raito want a funnel cake?

It’s a date! A date with a girl! “Going on a date won’t rouse suspicion from the follower,” Raito explains to his young death god friend. I still think that’s a stupid idea. Raito wants to get his sociopathic bone on, obviously. Pretty flimsy plan with respect to Death Note matters, honestly.

Ryuuku, nonetheless, looks quite excited. He always looks excited. He clearly doesn’t find Raito’s plans annoyingly convoluted like I do. Perhaps being a death god is a boring existence and watching paint dry is a notch below whatever all this rigamarole is.

Raito approaches his unlucky date. “I’ve always wanted to go to Space Land since middle school,” she says, winking. Uh huh. Raito looks bored out of his skull already, wanting nothing more than to get away from this girl so he can go home and jerk off.

The girl is slightly confused, since Raito insisted that he wasn’t going to be going out at all until exams were finished! And Raito’s all like “uh, heh, well, uh, I changed my mind.” This is gripping storytelling. I hope they have fun at Space Land riding the Space Rocket to the Space Moon.

Raito and Unnamed Girl board a bus, and–

OH FUCK, WHO’S THAT?? This complete child molester is still following this kid, right on cue! He boards the bus too and starts making mental notes such as “usually he goes out to school, but now he’s going to an amusement park? He is obviously a kid.”

“Inspector Yamagi’s son is not suspicious,” this man says, jotting down his findings on a pad, “there is no need to further investigate this family.”

That’s it?! That’s all it took? Raito just had to step into Six Flags for seventeen seconds and he became completely absolved of all cautious distrust?? I want my money back! Boo!

Let’s close the book on this one! He vows to conclude the investigation completely after today. Hopefully Raito doesn’t do anything horribly incriminating within the next few hours!

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

Excellent! My REAL date has shown up!

So, yeah, just when this detective decides to call it quits, an incredibly creepy man boards the bus. Raito orgasms with delight that there are now eight people aboard. “PERFECT!” he thinks. Yes, yes. Eight. The immaculate number.

Our new passenger removes a gun from his sweatshirt, pulls back the hammer, and points it at the driver’s head.

“I’M HIJACKING THIS BUS!!” he proclaims!
“Eh?” says the driver, understandably confused. His reaction is suited for tackling a calculus problem rather than being threatened with a gun, but I never pretended that this was good writing!

“W…WAAAAA!” screeches another passenger. “AH…” goes another. A real range of emotion here. Raito sits stoically, almost smirking. Like he’s got everything under control.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

Don’t make me turn this bus around! There will be no Space Land for anyone!

“Driver, you know the phone number to Space Land, right?” asks the crazed gunman. And it’s his lucky day, because all bus drivers are required to know the phone number to Space Land off the top of their heads! The driver picks up the phone and calls the Prime Minister of Space Land, and the gunman instructs him to let Space Land know exactly what’s going on. And he does, right down to the nitty gritty details! Details such as “there’s a man with a gun on this bus” and “my bus has been hijacked by a man with a gun”, etc.

“He’s telling the truth, now listen carefully,” says the lone gunman, grinning with maniacal glee, “before the bus arrives, tell a girl to bring yesterday’s financial reports to the bus stop two stops before Space Land. If you do anything or call the police, I will kill all the passengers on the bus.”

Sounds pretty specific! I hope “a girl” brings “yesterday’s financial reports” in a manner that pleases Gun Man! OR, conversely, I’d like to see Raito with a bullet through his dome. That would also be an acceptable turn in the plot.

All the passengers except Raito and the Guy Following Raito look terrified. Raito’s nameless girlfriend appears to be praying. Raito looks bored and drugged. The Snoopy Investigator looks pretty pissed off, like “fuck this, I’m tired of being on buses during hijackings”.

The Snoopy Investigator is currently sitting behind Raito and his main squeeze. Raito gets the guy’s attention and surreptitiously passes him a note that lays out Raito’s plans to attack the hijacker when he isn’t looking and knock the gun right out of his penis-stroking hand! Raito’s dad taught him this, as he explains in the note, and he’s confident he will be able to pull it off. Plus, the hijacker is roughly 3’2” tall, so the kid can probably take him.

Mr. Irate Investigator stands bolt-upright and tells the kid to cork it! That sounds dangerous and stupid! Let him handle this, he’s a man for criminy’s sake! An honest-to-god MAN.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

Do I catch the raising diphthong onsets of a Canadian citizen??? *wink*

Smirkily, Raito jots down another note for the guy, but he arrogantly announces that the gunman can’t hear them anyway over the sound of the bus. I suppose that must mean that the bus is sputtering and heaving dangerously, because buses aren’t supposed to be that loud.

Raito’s plan continues without a hitch. After he detects a strange accent, the man explains that he’s Japanese American. We’re about three small-talk exchanges away from getting a name reveal! I’m on the edge of my fucking seat here. This is SUSPENSEFUL. I’m having a heart attack.

“Can you prove to me that you’re not the criminal’s partner?” Raito interrogates the guy now. Tables have turned! Don’t make him tell Father on you, he’s the Director of Whatever. A real big wig. This guy looks pretty nervous now. Even Raito’s girlfriend is getting weird about it, but Raito maintains his ever-confident composure. “This kind of thing happens often. Make people think that there’s only one criminal, but there’s really another one hiding around somewhere,” he says out loud. Kinda like how Lee Harvey Oswald was a decoy and the real killer stopped time, stuffed JFK’s head with TNT, and blew his stupid president brains all over Jackie’s pink suit! It’s just like that.

Raito’s behavior and actions clinches it, at any rate. “There’s no way around this,” the investigator thinks, “Yagami’s son is not the killer, otherwise the criminal would have died of a heart attack by now.” Well, since this kid is harmless, he slips him his FBI identification card. Raito didn’t see this one coming! The fuckin’ FBI is involved? Holy shit, that organization is world-renowned! Jimmy Woo! Mulder and Scully! This is big-time, baby!

And this is it. He gets the name of the agent.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

Japanese-American Raye Penber is in trouble! Someone should alert his partners, Karl Dandleton and Bobson Dugnutt!

OK, fair enough Mr. Raye Penber, sir! Raye Penber, is it? Here, let me write this down in this big scary-looking book here: R-A-Y-E P-E-N-B-E-R, got it. Heh heh heh. Everything seems to be in order here, I’ll let you handle this hostage situation.

Penber spends a lot of precious seconds wondering why L thinks Kira is in Japan in the first place. More people have died in America from mysterious Heart Attack Disease. Oh well, let’s focus at the task at hand instead. This hijacker was on the news recently: he robbed a bank and killed three people. This guy needs to bite the curb.

Mr. Killer Man slowly walks down the aisle, shoes tap-tap-tapping like in a spaghetti western. Raito “accidentally” drops a piece of paper on the floor of the bus, which sends Gun Face into a tizzy: “Hey! You don’t move! What’s on that little scrap?”

Mr. Gun Face Killer Man scoops the piece of paper up into his fat little imp hand. “Passing notes to each other? What are you guys doing?”

Oh shit, dude! The guy is gonna read the piece of paper! He’s gonna know we’re gonna ambush him! He’s gonna poop his pants and start shooting all sorts of bullets in about six seconds!

Here’s what the dreaded note says: “11:27 : Go to Space Land. The bus station south of the park”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7

DO YOU DARE PULL A GUN ON THE GUNMAN?! I’M THE GUNMAN! STOP STEALING MY GUNMAN THUNDER!

Gunny Gunderson is livid. Raito smiles. Everything is falling into place like…so many…good Tetris pieces.

And this fool starts freaking out when RAYE PENBLMBER starts pulling a gun out of his breast pocket. But, the red herring here is that Ol’ Gunny isn’t even paying attending to Prernbmber. This sad-sack gets a full glimpse of clowny-face Ryuuku, who is standing in the back of the bus soaking in all the excitement. “DON’T JOKE AROUND, WHEN DID YOU GET THERE!?” yells Shooty Guns, and Ryuuku smiles all like “Are you talking about moi? Tee hee.”

The hijacker has a full-on panic attack. Obviously, we’re witnessing a chain of events that has been put into fruition by our young, buxom Ratio, the sly dog. This douchebag is going to have a heart attack because Raito made Ryuuku visible to him. Ryuuku is completely astonished that this guy can see him.

“I’M GOING… I’M GOING TO SHOOT YOU, YOU MONSTER!” the guy yells, hyperventilating like a nerd, eyes bulging out of his demented sockets.

Rayemond Prmbrr thinks this guy is hallucinating, which is going to be way more dangerous than before! He might shoot a gun about it! “Everyone get down!” Pmebrbe yells, while Ryuuku starts putting the pieces together. The page was ripped out of the Death Note, and since it was touched by Mr. High Jacker, he gets to have a face-full of pointy goth death clown.

Ryuuku is warned not to come any closer. Ryuuku comes closer. The gun goes off. It hits Ryuuku with a “SPLAT”, and he remains unharmed. He’s a Shinigami, after all! Bullets are useless, you big donkey!

The assailant’s bulging eyes start crossing and he burbles and gurbles and continues shooting his gun in the Ryuuku’s direction. BANG BANG BANG BANG. Ryuuku smiles like a nightmare. This Raito kid is one smart cookie, using all the information he told him! Most humans stick their fingers up their noses and go “duuuurrrrrr” when he tells them Shinigami rules, but not this kid! This kid has all his marbles! “No wonder he’s the smartest in the world,” the Shinigami grins. That’s all it really takes, huh? Pretty underwhelming shit, honestly.

The spaz runs out of bullets, much to Agent Prmrbr’s relief, and does an about-face to the front of the bus. “Stop the bus!! Open the door!!” he screams to the confused driver, who thought he was being hijacked but now it doesn’t appear to be the case anymore! So much for an electrifying day.

The bus stops, the door is opened, the guy trips on his way out, has a quick moment of self-satisfaction, and then gets hit by a goddamned car. Everyone on the bus watches in awe.

“Right on time. The Death Note is working perfectly,” Raito says, admiring the splendor of the scene that just unfolded in front of his very eyes.

And yes, everything that just happened in the last 15 pages was written in the notebook. Surprise, surprise. I think we get it by now, Tsugumi Ohba. The Death Note is magic.

And now Raito has the FBI agent’s name. He’s gonna make him eat his own butt.

Final Thoughts

ANTICLIMACTIC ENDING FOR THE END OF A VOLUME. Boo, manga. Boo.

I guess I’ll continue with this one for now before branching out to some other wretched series with 900 chapters. Seacrest out, yo.


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Giant Size X-Men #1 – “Deadly Genesis!”

* An issue of the X-Men: Chris Claremon Era *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Giant Size X-Men, Issue #1! Certainly, this is the only issue of Giant Size X-Men that matters, since this era is rife with reprints of older stories. And furthermore, w–

Oh, hello, hi! From 1975 – 1991, a lowly British comic book writer named Chris Claremont revitalized the desiccated corpse that was the X-Men comic book franchise. Not only did he breathe new life into it, but X-Men would have been a complete thing of the past without his essential involvement. Hell, they weren’t even printing new stories anymore. Each new issue for five straight years was a reprint of an old story. Even this Giant Size issue contains three stories dug up from the bottom of the dumpster, but I’m only going to focus on the first one. The first new X-Men story of the entire 1970s. “Deadly Genesis!”

This wasn’t even written by Claremont himself, but it kicks it off. If there is absolutely anything within the Marvel oeuvre that is considered mandatory reading, it’s Claremont’s 16-year run with the X-Men. So here I go, chipping away at it one issue at a time. I’m going to die before I get to the end of it, but at least I can say I tried!

Giant Size X-Men #1 [May, 1975]
Written by: Len Wein
“Deadly Genesis!”

Giant Size X-Men #1

Great! The art looks like dogshit. 1970s dogshit. Maybe I should be listening to Chick Corea jazz fusion while reading this in a bean bag near a lava lamp and my bead curtains.

“From the ashes of the past, there grow the fires of the future! The glory and grandeur begin anew with… SECOND GENESIS!”

Ok, so is this Deadly Genesis or is this Second Genesis. I’m already upset over the lack of continuity here. Reading this was a complete mistake.

Oh ok, it’s part one of the story. OK, fair enough…

Chapter I – “Second Genesis!”

There we go. Anyway, we start in the peaceful town of Winzeldorf, Germany, where Hitler hasn’t passed through for nearly 30 years! I wonder what he was up to in 1975. The townsfolk, wielding torches and speaking English, are stampeding toward a monster! Not just ANY monster! One of them Ex-Man type monsters!

“The fools! It is they who are the monsters – they with their mindless prejudices!”

This is a blue guy with a devil tail and a red coat with flared sleeves at the shoulders. Could be Beast? I’M NOT SURE. I’LL NEVER BE SURE.

This beastly blue beast – let’s just call him Maybe-Beast for now – thinks he should have stayed with “Der Jahrmarkt”. But, the life of a carnival freak is just not in the cards. It doesn’t seem cozy. He doesn’t want to be pelted with Mike & Ikes by unruly fat children with ice creams and propeller beanies. It is not befitting of the one Kurt Wagner!

OK, gotta look that up now I guess. Nightcrawler. He’s from Germany and his name is Kurt Wagner and he doesn’t like being in the circus. I guess there’s really not much more to know about him at this point.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Toxic masculinity on Page 2. We’re off to a good start.

He leaps around while a bunch of guys with fire want to murder him for being a circus freak. He lands on top of a roof, and the people threaten to burn the house down unless Nightcrawler comes down RIGHT NOW and takes his licks! It’s a resoundinging NO! Too bad they weren’t bluffing; many of them start launching their torches on top of the roof. “They’re utterly mad! Their threat was serious! They’ll destroy their entire village to make certain that they destroy me!”

Yes yes, Nightcrawler. You’re very important. It’s all about you, isn’t it? Well, fine. If they’re going to be a bunch of bastards, then the blue guy is going to leap down from the roof and start twisting necks and punching ovaries. THWAMM! CHOK! It only works for a bit, but since the village has a population of 17 billion it’s only a matter of time before Nightcrawler is– yep, he’s taken down!

Time to get the stake! Buffy the Vampire Slayer over here is gonna take his Mr. Pointy and fuck him right in the ass with it… but an individual off-panel says “STOP!” in puffy, blue letters. I can’t wait to see who it might be. Perhaps it’s Jesus. Or Martin Short.

Some bald wheelchair loser in a suit just starts rolling in like he owns the place. The entire town has been frozen in its tracks as if some BALD PIECE OF SHIT has stopped time! And indeed he has, for he is the most powerful bald piece of shit on the planet. “My name is Charles Xavier… I heard you say you’d come here to learn, my friend. I am a teacher. I run a school for gifted youngsters such as you. A school for mutants!”

OK, this seems a little rude and forward. Not to mention fast-paced. Xavier is desperate for recruits. He needs that government funding after all, gotta keep the enrollment up. Xavier tells Wagner that he can help reach his full potential. Wagner takes that to mean that Xavier will help him be normal, but that’s a laugh and half! What is “normal” anyway? Why, David Carradine accidentally killed himself jerking off! I’m sorry, what were you saying?…

Nightcrawler is like “done deal, sensei” and they both fuck off to the school for some reason.

Let us now travel to Quebec where a military base is doing covert military operation stuff. Really covert stuff. Covert as the dickens. It’s the home of a very special agency, with a very special agent: Weapon X.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Fuckin’ Wolverine bursting through the door like Kramer.

Weapon X, aka Wolverine, is like “what do you motherfucks want? I wanna watch Jeopardy!”

“I am the bigwig, Wolverine,” says Charles Xavier, sitting down for the occasion.
“Am I supposed to be impressed,” snorts Wolverine. Now we’re talkin’! This is the good shit already!

Xavier is here to make Wolverine an offer he can’t refuse. Wolverine’s interest is piqued! All like “GOOD SIR, THAT SOUNDS CAPITAL. I LIKE OFFERS. GIMME THE OFFER.” And that’s good! Because Charles Xavier has been paying attention to Wolverine’s angry punching and kicking and he desperately needs some mutants badly for his harem. I mean, school. Best of all, no more government agency bureaucracy! At the Xavier school, we have bags of money near trees that you can just pick up at your convenience! Consider that your salary.

Giant Size X-Men #1

He slices and dices! He will tear your clothes right off your body before you can say “no means no”!

A government hot shot comes in pointing his ugly, smelly finger. “Not so fast, fella! The government has invested a great deal of time and money turning you into what you are now!”

Yeah, ok. SNIKT! These are my claws, ho. Say that shit again and he’ll– TOO LATE! KRRIIIPP! Nice suit… or at least it WAS! HA HA HA HA HA!! 1975!!

The government agent promises that Wolverine hasn’t heard the last of them. Wolverine ain’t afraid. Time to block this popsicle stand and go to school. Lead the way, Professor! *pushes his wheelchair around the hallways gingerly*

Cut to Nashville. Professor Xavier recruits Banshee!

Cut to Kenya. Professor Xavier recruits Storm! There are many panels here of Storm flying around causing a storm by frolicking in the sky. The people are happy, for she has ended a drought with her dangerous monsoon! Don’t thank her, just pay her handsomely for the service!

Ororo thinks she’s a goddess, but she is actually a loathsome mutant. Come to Xavier’s school, they bought new textbooks!

Cut to Japan. Professor Xavier recruits Sunfire! Although Xavier knows Sunfire’s feelings about the Western world (extremely negative; he hopes many bombs will be dropped daily for years to come), he urges his old friend to come to the school and pound erasers! He’s in!

Cut to Siberia. Professor Xavier recruits Colossus! Peter Rasputin is working on his farm and sees a tractor heading right for his sister! Ye gods!

Giant Size X-Men #1

Oh no! Could this be the end… of a very valuable tractor??

So Peter Rasputin becomes Colossus and saves the day like Superman or maybe even Wonder Woman! The tractor is reduced to kindling!… metal kindling. The village will never afford another tractor for the rest of their sorry little lives, but it’s a small price to pay for trying to run over a little girl for some reason.

When Professor Xavier communicates with Rasputin telepathically, Rasputin is like “You want I come to ze America? Nyet… ok, ok, Da.”

Rasputin is a tough sell. Xavier’s gonna have to get his parents’ permission first! And so he does and it’s a pathetic display.

“Do as your heart tells you, my son. It will not betray you” laughs Daddy Rasputin, positively chuffed that his lowlife son will finally be leaving the house. Mommy Rasputin cries silently in her son’s arms. See ya in the funny pages!

Cut to Arizona. Professor Xavier recruits Thunderbird! John Proudstar, an Apache, hates his reservation and he can’t wait to call it quits on the whole Indigionous thing. It’s bothersome. His people are meant to be warriors and hunters. Not a bunch of old fucks dying on their porches like assholes. He takes his frustration out on a poor bull, who is likely dead by the time Xavier shows up.

“HUH??” Proudstar exclaims when Xavier rolls on up. “Now how in blazes did a cripple get way out here? Not that it matters much. You’ve got five seconds to vamoose, White-Eyes! I don’t want company – especially yours!”

Charles X (the “X” stands for “SEX”) strokes his chin and tells the angry Apache that he’s a mutant and also shut the fuck up.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Xavier can sweeten the deal. How about a rare Pokemon card? He’s got a holographic Charizard!

John Proudstar isn’t going to be swayed in two panels like all these other dipshits. Xavier brings the big guns then – he calls Proudstar a coward AND a chicken, just like all those other lazy, shiftless Apache! Buck buck buck buckaw! *flaps arms* *doesn’t kick legs*

Like Marty McFly, this guy does not like being called a chicken. Not even a little bit. SO he’ll go with Xavier! How about THAT?! That’ll shut you the hell up. Hahaha, Proudstar wins this round!

Xavier may have made a huge mistake here! “Will any of my new X-Men be equal to the task that lies before you? Or will you carry the world down into ruin?”

Should’ve thought of that before you wheeled around the whole planet collecting mutants, you bald dingus.

Chapter II – “…And When There Was One!”

Oooooh, we have chapters. Not parts, chapters! How very epic and quaint!

And lo, the X-Men have all assembled in Xavier’s school, striking poses on the staircase like the Brady Bunch. Wolverine is Greg. That Nightcrawler guy is Cindy.

First, Xavier had to give everyone a quick English lesson to get them all on the same page. This was very important to mention, and I’m glad five minutes was all it took. That saves us all a lot time!

Second, everyone gets costumes! Wolverine already had one, certainly, and being asked to part with it would be a fast track to getting one’s head punted across town! Everyone else is like “wow, this fits my muscled-bulged body so well, professor!” and “hey, I love how my costume shows 94% of the skin on my lovely hourglass-shaped body, professor!”, and Xavier starts throwing some dumb science about how he was able to make these costumes. Unstable molecules! Reed Richards gave Xavier these molecules. He had a whole pocket full of ‘em.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Easy there, cowboy. You don’t want to RE-stabilize those molecules, son!

So Sunfire is mad and impatient, they were all waiting for the MOST IMPORTANT X-MAN OF ALL, AND I BET YOU CAN ALL GUESS WHICH FIRE-EYED TALL DRINK OF WATER IT’S GOING TO BE.

“My friends,” Xavier announces with pomp and also, dare I say, circumstance, “allow me to present Scott Summers – THE MAN CALLED CYCLOPS!”

And verily, this self-important blowjob slams his way into the room. “He will fill you in on the details,” Xavier continues, launching his wheelchaired ass out of there and heading straight to Denny’s.

Here are the “details”: there are only seven of you X-Men left and we need your help to something something. Here, I’ll catch you up! *points to a clunky ‘70s command console* “This is Cerebro, our specially-designed mutant detector! It’s thru this mechanism that we discovered all of you – and lost all my closest friends!”

Well this is fucking melodramatic already. Thanks Scott, you really haven’t changed much in almost 50 years.

Giant Size X-Men #1

One punch to the ground will make the Earth explode, and to that, my friends, I say this: lol

The OG X-Men get namedropped: Cyclops (OF COURSE, UGH), Professor Xavier, Angel, Iceman, Marvel Girl, Lorna Dane, Cyclops’ brother Havok, and that’s all! That’s it!

Flashback to when everyone wasn’t lost and the Cerebro thing found other mutants. Specifically one mutant they want to collect before, like, the X-Men team from the Soviet Union snatches him up first. So, they all pile into their jet and fly to Krakoa so they can die in a volcano.

Jean Grey wishes they could contact the Beast! He has “dexterous digits”, which doesn’t seem too useful right now EXCEPT to quench Grey’s horny thirst! With contempt, Cyclops reminds the woman that Hank McCoy graduated and moved onto bigger and better things. Like teaching X-Man horticulture and growing some X-Man ferns.

They reach Krakoa. I hope someone brought their dexterous digits with them! *swoons*

“I think we took the wrong bus, gang,” Iceman looks around the island. “This place sure doesn’t look like Cleveland. All the insects in the air – the overgrown jungle! On second thought, maybe this Cleveland.”

Zing! Cyclops all but tells Vanilla Ice to shut the fucking fuck up and take this shit seriously. They gotta find a new mutant and they have no idea where to look! At all! Not at all! Xavier sent us on a fool’s errand and he, for one, doesn’t want to look the fool!

OH SHIT.

Flying green rocks barrel toward the group. The next thing Cyclops remembers is that his shirt was torn to shreds and his buddies were missing! All of them! As if Cyclops smelled really bad and they collectively agreed to book it.

But here’s the crazy thing! Cyclops’ eyes have been rendered uncovered! But wait, hold the phone…they aren’t doing anything. His optic blasts don’t work right now! “They’re normal… powerless… “ he says, thoroughly freaked out and not necessarily enjoying the situation as he really should.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Professor! It’s Denny’s!… it’s closed!

THEN Cyclops discovers that he’s back on the jet and he’s not even controlling it. Egads! “I spent the next five minutes pounding on the control panel, then resigned myself to the situation and sat back in my seat.”

Xavier is furious once Cyclops returns. The others are stuck on Krakoa? What the fuck, son? Even after Cyclops tries to show him the bright side, that his eyes are working normal, Xavier looks at him like he’s full of beans! Probably because his eyes are flaring up, you goddamned liar. “Quickly, Scott – grab some protective lenses!” Xavier shouts, positively dancing with fear. Scott’s like WAH WAH WAH WAAH WAAAAH I should have known better! I should have known that I would have to continue living with this horrible affliction!

Anyway, long story short, Cyclops needed better protective goggles so Xavier hoisted his ass out of his wheelchair and made him some better ones. Oh yeah, and his friends are still gone. That part is also a bummer. Wolverine looks impatient. “So now what?”

Here’s the now what, Pointy: WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO KRAKOA AND FIND THEM!

Sunfire is like, nuh uh girlfriend, Sunfire ain’t goin’ anywhere! Sunfire stayin’ right here! “I will have no PART in this fool’s errand!”

CYCLOPS CANNOT BELIEVE HIS EARS! “WHAT– ?” he was known to say. Why wouldn’t Sunfire want to help save some fellow mutants? Simple, poopypants! Sunfire hates his fellow mutants! Bunch of self-important jerks if you ask him, all obsessed with their super tough SPECIAL powers.

Cyclops has not a moment for this! Bye, Sunfire, have fun jerking off while Xavier watches. The rest are Krakoa-bound.

“Moments later, the Strato-Jet streaks skyward – and there is only one empty seat on board…”

Thanks, suspenseful narration. Does this mean Fatty Colossus is taking up two seats Kevin Smith-style?

Storm… I think it’s Storm… she made a storm in Africa so I’d say she’s Storm… so Storm chides Cyclops for having an altercation within 45 seconds of assembling the X-Men team for the first time. It wasn’t befitting of such a group of tights-wearing ninnies! Proudstar tells her to get used to it, cunt.

Giant Size X-Men #1

Hmmm… uhhhhmmm…. hrrmmmmm…

When the team realizes that the jet is being followed, they soon discover that a flying man is tailing them! WHY, IT’S SUNFIRE! And he’s come around! Good for him, that ol’ knucklehead! I knew he’d straighten up and fly right.

“Why did you change your mind, Sunfire?” Nightcrawler sneers, “Afraid to go home alone?”
“My reasons are nobody’s business but my own, misfit! You’d do well to remember that!” Sunfire spits like a sunny spitfire. This guy is going to learn a hard lesson when the Monster of Krakoa makes him eat his butt right off of a plate.

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