East of West, Issue #27 – “Finding Babylon”

* Part 12 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #27 – “Finding Babylon”! In the previous installment, the bulk of the story is spent dealing with each member of the Chosen (and their plus-ones) showing up one at a time to the party. Lots of daggers stared at one another. Lots of scornful words of derision and contempt. Lots of pent-up sexual energy. By the end everyone shows up.

…except for Xiaolian Mao, who chose to decline her invitation. The invitation that was tattooed on greasy skin. I mean, who could blame her at all? The rest are there, though, all accounted for. Call me crazy, though, but I’ll bet dollars to donuts that we won’t be dealing with any of them here in Issue #27, and we’ll instead be focusing on Young Sheldon and his stupid Balloon. PROVE ME WRONG, HICKMAN.

East of West, Issue #27 [June, 2016]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Finding Babylon”

East of West, Issue #27

“LOOK AT THIS! At all of you fools… go on, if you have the stomach for it. LOOK!” exclaims the easily angered Prophet Orion. I’m sick of looking at this guy’s lumpy skull. That demon should’ve just devoured him, killed him, and spared the rest of us the constant turmoil.

So what does everyone need to look at? Everyone else, of course. He instructs them to all take a look at who is in attendance at this real General Assembly of the United Nations over here. It’s just a bunch of really broken and pathetic individuals, and yet they were all Chosen! Somebody up there really has their finger on the pulse of who the cool kids are in the year 2065. Several of them are still pointing guns at each other. Even Archibald looks paranoid.

“The Message will not rectify your flaws, or temper your hate – nor will it erase your sins…or theirs. We are all too far gone,” Orion goes on, yelling furiously like some insane preacher screaming about the Jesus outside of a Wal-Mart. This is the End of Times, yada yada. Tell me something I don’t know, you extremely off-putting little man.

This area, as we’ve seen already, is completely surrounded by the depressing cult followers. Outside, there are millions. Inside, every nook and cranny of the cave is packed with people looking down on the Chosen. The Chosen, each and every one, even the unflappable ones, look up in awed disbelief.

“And all of the fallen of man have gathered here – into an army of fate,” continues Orion, addressing only the Chosen as he shakes around his arm stump. “There is no escape from what is coming. All that is left… is doing what you were born to do.”

Oh boy!

“This is a funeral for the free man.”

Ha, is that foreshadowing? A funeral for the Freeman? Hrmpt!

“It is tomorrow we bury here today.”

East of West, Issue #27

Hey now. These people cattle? Yes. No army at all? Correct. The End of Times. Not a chance. BUT… BUT… uh, what was that fourth thing you said?

Madame LeVay recaptures her skeptical composure and argues with Prophet OhRyan. Like, yo, old man, are you dumb or something? THIS is the End of Times right here? Lame. Call me back you find some real End of Times.

“The Message is a living word, Antonia,” Orion says, actually looking passive and somber. “It has changed. It has evolved.”

Yeah, like a Wartortle into a Blastoise, am I right fellow millennials?

“Pfft, people do not change. They just die and pull their decaying societies down with them,” LeVay argues back, brow furrowed like her time is being hella wasted here in this stinkin’ cavern. She’s all, why haven’t you been around lately? No one’s seen or heard from you in an age! And what’s the answer? He’s been busy eating paper and now he thinks he’s the shit. And he hates being questioned like this. You can tell because his neck gets more sinewy and his yellow eyes bug out again. It’s disgusting.

Archibald can’t believe this! What a moron, eating the Word. Sounds unbelievably brainless. Freeman can’t believe this! Does Orion now think he’s better than his equals?

The short answer is: yeah, sure. Chosen are Chosen, but HE has become something even more rare. He has become the guy with paper clogging up his bowels. But he doesn’t actually specify what he has become, and Freeman and Bel Solomon get super impatient and catty about this.

East of West, Issue #27

Now look what you’ve gone and done, Orion. You’ve made the skeptic skeptical! For shame.

Solomon’s outburst about THIS MAN IS BONKERS doesn’t sit well with Freeman. Freeman thinks, indeed, that it is YOU, sir, *points at Bel Solomon*, who is, *points at Bel Solomon*, …the foolish one.

Freeman aims his gun at Solomon’s face. “Showing your face again when you should be hiding it. And don’t worry,” he says, turning to Orion, “it ain’t the void that’s gonna get you.”

Orion tells this punk to show some respect. Everyone here is Chosen. Respect the sanctity of everyone being Chosen, k?

Heh. Fine. Freeman will keep the peace now, here in this peaceful, diplomatic meeting, but the second they step outside he’ll be sticking the business end of his gun up Solomon’s butt and then it gets stuck and he’ll have to leave it there while he punches him in the face.

Wolf leans in to his best buddy Freeman’s ear. Pssst! Hey, buddy! “The man with him is who killed Cheveyo,” he says, nudging toward Thomas the Hunter. And Thomas the Hunter, he stands by what he did. He is the Hunter! And lest you forget, he is hired to kill every single member of the Chosen. So watch your tongue, because he spent 400 days on the job so far and has only killed one. At this rate, Freeman’s turn will be in 16 years. THEN he’ll know the meaning of the word JUSTICE.

Freeman likes him. He’s got moxie!

Fuck moxie! Like me all you want, Thomas says, for Freeman is on his LIST.

It’s like, list of what? Wolf knows. And Wolf tells Freeman. And Freeman tells him that, then, he’s on the list too. And Wolf tells Freeman ‘fraid not. And Freeman tells Wolf ‘fraid so. And Wolf tells Freeman that he can shoot Thomas first. And Freeman tells Wolf that he agrees.

And Cheveyo’s spirit appears to tell them both that it’s quite a treat to see them like this. Just like old times! And this display of ethereal monologuing, of course, contorts Solomon’s face into a series of schizophrenically pained expressions. Like >:-S

It’s funny, because Freeman all but asks him what his fucking problem is.

East of West, Issue #27

I’m not usually a betting man. But if I were to be a betting man, I bet I’d make a ton of bets!

Archibald steps in to remind Freeman that there are more lucid and aware members of the Chosen that deserve more time right now than the rest. It’s time to go all in again, and LeVay is totally in! Let’s not stray too far from the path of the Message. Reign it back in. We’re all believers here, let’s start making believe again.

And who better to make-believe than Uncle Ezra Prophet-Face Orion? He will show you all the way, so don’t fret my pet.

Now it’s Narsimha’s turn to be annoyed. As Wolf’s companion, he wants to know what the HELL kind of freak show he was dragged into. Wolf gets touchy, tells Narsimha that this is serious business, and he “would not be here without reason, and certainly not just to follow someone selling religion.”

Oh, ok. Whew! Carry on, then.

They all take out their bloody skin-scrolls with pod-people looks in their cold, dead eyes.

Follow the Prophet. The man with the Word. All will be fine. Here, have some Kool-Aid. It’s grape! And–

“Just one problem with all that, sport…” a voice says off-panel, much to Orion’s complete frustration. “I am many things, but one of them is not being a foregone conclusion.”

This is Archibald talking now, making the point that his life certainly isn’t set in stone by determinism and sans free will. So shut up about all this “doing what you were born to do” horse-hockey. He’s a cunt hair away from walking out on this charade right now. Take your Chosen and pack it into your butthole, Ezra.

Ezra can’t believe his mangled ears! “You – all of you – are being offered an honored position,” he froths and points. “I have seen a vision of God’s army. The Message has shown me that.”

Madame LeVay admits that her skin scroll contained very personal information that no one could know about. Perhaps Archibald should keep on considering sticking around for this cool apocalypse. The answer, of course, is “shut up”. Archibald is his own man and he will not be pushed around by things like “prophecy” and “entropy”. By the beat of his own drum, and so forth.

East of West, Issue #27

Sorry, I don’t make of a habit of listening to ugly people.

“Do not test me,” Orion yells, positively irate at this point. He keeps spouting righteous garbage, the kind of stuff that would make any Chosen groan. Archibald all but calls it complete bullshit. Orion gets even madder. Xiaolian was right to stay home.

Prophet Orion thinks he’s God, and as God his followers will do what he says. He ate the paper! Come on, people. This is serious business! Fall in line!

And then, finally, much to my own relief and satisfaction, Orion gets completely riddled with bullets. BLAM POW BAM. Dead! And not soon enough.

“That’s two,” Thomas triumphs, gun a-smokin’.

“The Word cannot be undone by a man with a gun,” Orion coughs and sputters while his Hell Demon buddy sticks its tendrils through his body. It looks painful. He deserves it.

Thomas then throws something that looks like a utility belt. It lands near Orion and Hell Demon. The Hell Demon sniffs. “Pentolite, propylene, ammonium nitrate… it’s a bomb,” the demon deduces. And just in the knick of– BOOM!

Orion’s lower body explodes in a dozen gorey pieces! With his dying breath, Orion permits the Hell Demon to kill them all. Or, as he puts it, he “judges all of them”.

All the pilgrims in the cavern leap down and start ambushing to kill. “Kill the Chosen! Kill! Kill! Kill!” they scream in unison like Message Zombies who don’t give a shit about anything except what the dead guy wants.

Thomas calls over his dog and fashions a zipline out of grappling hooks and carabiner clips! Bel’s like “what the unholy fuck are you doing?”, and Thomas is like “surviving, dummy”. And they lift themselves up over the mob and zip away.

East of West, Issue #27

And not a moment too soon, you clever WZZZZZZZZards!

“Not this time, Old Man,” proclaims the great Jonathan Freeman Number Eight as he draws his gun again. He aims to kill. “Not today, and never again.”

The mob punches the gun out of his hand at the last second. It goes off, but off course. Foiled again! Hoisted by his own petard! The mob is rather irresponsible with the guns. Just shooting at each other and stuff.

“Are you okay?” Sharra asks her beloved Eight Ball.
“No. I am not. Look at this shit…” Eight responds sadly. “Look at what they have done.”

Wolf, Crow, Archibald’s niece Constance, Chief Narsimha, they all actively involve themselves in the fray! Punching, leaping, they feel ALIVE!

The man that Constance is fighting wraps his large hand around her skinny frame and begins biting her shoulder. Archibald, now donning a gray hooded cloak befitting of a member of the Thieves Guild, produces a hidden dagger and stabs the dude right in the neck. “Young lady, when the world is going mad…” he advises his young niece, “it is imperative that one keeps one’s head.”

East of West, Issue #27

Is there anything Archibald won’t enjoy? Seriously.

“These people are mad, Uncle,” she pants.
“Yes, mindless indeed,” he responds calmly, offering her a cloak of her own. “Here, put this on.”

Archibald rises up and speaks to the crowd, pretending to be one of their own. “There! There! Behold the faces of our enemies! We must strike them down! For that is what the Prophet declared, and what our God demands. Consume them wholly! The lord loves a happy plate!”

This really whips the mob up into a simmering froth! Archibald and Constance mosey around, trying to be inconspicuous. Elsewhere, Madame LeVay is nervous while Doma Lux shoots into the mob with her automatic rifle. A few sneak up behind LeVay and grab her. Lux is about two seconds away from getting knifed by a raving man, but he is stopped via impalement!

“I find value in keeping things I own intact, Doma Lux. And after today, you will an even more precious commodity…” says Narsimha, her white knight. “When she dies… you ascend. Do nothing to save her,” he quotes the Word, I imagine. I didn’t take Narsimha for a pious man whatsoever. He made that much clear already.

Freeman No. 8 is angered that the mob has surrounded LeVay, but Sharra tells him to let her go. Let her die. Every man for himself! And woman; let’s not discrimination here. “It will make things right for your father,” she adds.

Nah. John Freeman The Eight is better than that! “Try and keep a landing area clear, Sharra,” he says, entering the fray with a gun in each hand. “I’ll be right back.”

There are still millions of these fuckers. John has lifted LeVay up bride-over-the-threshold style and starts running back, heading into the ship. Wolf and Crow had become a bunch of wolves and crows, and they too head into the ship. Sharra is ahead of them. Lux and Narsimha bring up the rear, but Narsimha is grabbed from behind. His head gets pinned by a man’s arm as another brandishes a large dagger.

“Help me,” he begs.
“Sorry,” Lux replies, “but I find no value in keeping the things that own me intact. I hope it hurts, asshole.”

When Lux gets into the ship and informs Wolf that his Uncle didn’t make it. “NO!” he yells, leaping and bounding out of the ship to, like, get dead himself.

“How badly are you hurt, Uncle?” he asks, punching more bitches. Well, Nephew, your dear old uncle got stabbed about four times, so things could be better. Crow joined them, but it looks like the ship is now leaving without them. Narsimha frowns sullenly like he dropped his ice cream.

A couple of ships are trying to blast Hell Demon, who appears to have absorbed Orion again through some of his patented tendril acupuncture. Orion is super fucking mad and promises an unleashing of hell on the Endless Nation. It is now his mission to raze the Machine City to the ground. Not sure why, since it was Thomas the Independent Hunter Guy Who is Friends with Texas Magoo who started this whole riot to begin with. Or, technically, it was actually Orion. Nevertheless…

East of West, Issue #27

Wolf’s a lucky guy. Crow’s never been sexier!.

Narsimha urges Wolf and Crow to get out of here and warn the Endless Nation. Leave him there to die! Go! Do it! *gurgle* Please… *gurgle* …just go… *gurgle burble*

Wolf is not agreeable to this. Mr. Uncle must return! However, much to Crow’s dismay, Wolf will stay here to try and halt Orion’s army before it even begins to march. Pick off as many people as he can. Wolf and Crow hug, and Wolf promises to be back.

He probably won’t be.

Time to turn into a rabid wolf and try to take on the Hell Demon! I mean, really now. Has anyone successfully been able to take on this beast? Fucking Ezra Orion became his arm or something.

“I am a servant of Death himself, and I don’t mind seeing him again,” Wolf thinks as Hell Demon’s six tongues start wrapping seductively around Wolf’s wolf face. Death is such a cheerful kind of guy. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with him?

And then the demon bites him. Just eats him all up like a, I dunno, like a fishstick. Sure.

Final Thoughts

What a dumb way to bite the big one, Wolf. You were always stupid! I’m deciding that now for the first time, actually. Wubba lubba dub dub.


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Sucky Funnies for October 30, 2022

Oh man, Happy Halloween y’all. Tricks and treats and ghosts and ghoulies and candy with razor blades in them and toilet paper and eggs and effigies and Satanic rituals and murders and rapes and pumpkins and cider.

And comics! It doesn’t get any better than this!

Mother Goose & Grimm

Mother Goose & Grimm - October 30, 2022

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A subtle joke about fucking. This is one for the grown-ups! Someone’s gonna get sucked tonight!

I’m sorry, I realized that this particular strip has offended my sensibilities and I intend to write an angry letter to my local newspaper about this. I don’t have a subscription to my local newspaper, but they just lost a prospective customer.

You know what? That sounds like a lot of work. I realized that I don’t mind this particular strip after all. I’m glad I could work this all out in real time.

Shoe

Mother Goose & Grimm - October 30, 2022

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I don’t know, it looks like Uncle Fatso has the sweet life to me. I can barely find five minutes to myself on a daily basis, so a sedentary existence of junk food, TV, and a really comfortable outfit is the dream right now! I don’t even own a pair of sweatpants. My life is in shambles.

Garfield

Garfield - October 30, 2022

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Congratulations to everyone born between 1946 and 1964, today’s Garfield strip is for you! Your notorious hatred of pumpkin spice is validated.

But perhaps you’re not catatonically perplexed by the punchline here like I am? It seems macabre for your average Garfield fare. The tables have turned for the squirrels, yes, but what exactly is a squirrel squeezin? Did this pumpkin hire some muscle to wring out a squirrel to death? Would it have been too morbid to make the liquid in the bowl a deep red?

One thing’s for certain. Stay away from that fucking pumpkin.

Mallard Fillmore

Mallard Fillmore - October 30, 2022

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BONUS MALLARD FILLMORE. For a split second I thought this was supposed to be a rare moment of self-deprecation and self-awareness, but the Cult of Trump has the capacity for neither. So the man with the male-pattern baldness ponytail symbolizes your average left-wing socialist piece of shit! And, lo’ and behold, a wry comment on the spoOooOOOookiness of Donald J. Purmpt!

Of course, the infestation of MAGA wasps with their pickled brains did a lot of projection in the comments.

Saul of Tarsus: “Get over it Karen. I will take a million mean tweets as long as it comes with the successful economy, freedom, national sovereignty, respect by foreign powers, more peace deals and America first.”

The pot calling the kettle Karen, I see! I wasn’t aware that freedom was off the table during a democrat presidency, but maybe I’m not paying enough attention! Or maybe I’m paying too much attention and that’s why I want to strangle myself with piano wire right now.

Dumpeagle: “I went into a YouTube chat last night on a liberal talking head video…mostly young people, they weren’t overly rude, but the stuff they were earnestly discussing was absolutely insane…apparently, Trump lives in their heads 24/7…I pointed out he hasn’t been in charge for almost 2 years now, it went right over their heads…”

Once in a while I like to “mingle” with the “kids” and join one of them “Youtube chats”. Maybe the guy writing a comic strip showing a Trump sign on a lawn in 2022 could tell you a thing or two about a former president living in someone’s head 24/7.

Old Nerd: “My wife turned on the radio and her favorite “easy listening” station is play Christmas music. ACK!”

Read the room, Old Nerd! We are not here to discuss family-friendly unpolitical matters! You take your wife’s favorite “easy listening” station and shove it up her cornhole! This is about lambasting our Grandpa-in-Chief! Show some respect for the pervasive animosity toward America’s executive branch! ACK!


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Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #2 – “Zodiac (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2 – “Zodiac (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, a group of twelve angry men (more like ten angry men and two angry women), calling themselves the Zodiac, may or may not be up to no good. It’s unclear at the moment.

Well, so far, one member of the Zodiac believes that the Avengers stole a thing from them. The thing in question looks like a scary red time capsule. A large bull named Taurus, a bull so large that even god himself (Thor) can’t hit him with a hammer hard enough! He’s mad that the Avengers stole the scary red time capsule from them, when it was actually the American military? I think? Hulk was beating them up, so they didn’t get very far on the stealing part. But Hawkeye and Black Widow did steal the army truck that the capsule was in. So…technically…the Avengers did steal it?

This is a fucking sitcom is what it is.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [June, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 2)”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #2

I like how the Hulk is big and green and mean and scary with jagged fingernails and ripped pants, but he has perfect teeth. White and straight. Give him some fangs or something, for crying out loud.

Backstory reveals the watery figure that Hulk encountered while the army showed up is a member of the Zodiac criminal gang. Maybe Aquarius? I’m gonna guess Aquarius. Aquarius is a reasonable guess here. Aquarius.

Also, Hawkeye and Black Widow encountered Taurus in Europe. Doesn’t say where, though. I’m going to guess Plovdiv, Bulgaria.

The issue begins with many, many, many panels of talking between two unseen individuals. One is leader of the Zodiac, the other is presumably the dude who tugs the marionette strings of the leader of the Zodiac. Views of planets and stars and moons and asteroids and all manner of cosmic splendor are backdropped by this awkward conversation.

“Can I ask you something without sounding disrespectful?”
“That is entirely up to you.”

You can tell that Mr. Puppet Master is talking when his speech bubbles are all SQUIGGLY and OTHERWORLDLY. That’s called a clue, son.

“Why us? And again, I mean no disrespect.”
“Can’t you just be happy that you have been chosen to lead the Zodiac?”

Zodiac Guy stammers and backpedals. Mr. Puppet Master gets touchy about this conversation, thinking that Zodiac Guy is yearning for validation, some attaboys for being CHOSEN and all that.

“What is it you want from us? Please, I–”
“Silence. I will answer you. I want balance. I want cosmic, controlled balance. For once and for all time, I want there to be an order to the chaos.”

Sounds reasonable to me! When asked where the balance is and why there is no balance, the Angry Godlike Entity blames Earth. Earth! Stinky Earth! “For millennia, your world has been used as a genetic petri dish by alien races who say they are your friends…but treat you as test animals. Testing you, altering you. And because of this, your evolution has been retarded and demented.”

Whoa now, let’s not just throw that R-word around. Heh heh… getting kind of tense in here, don’t you think? Uh… here, let me open a window. Get a nice breeze going.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

“Because you’re too much of a wimp to actually do anything with the power. See how that works?”

In short, the human race is too fucked up to evolve to its potential. AND, to add insult injury, you guys are losers who always need help from aliens and martians and other higher beings, and when they interact with you, they fuck you up even more. You get double-fucked, and there’s no one who can help you with that. Not even Santa Claus.

Not until this guy came along.

“I chose you and you chose the Zodiac. Now you have the power.”

Cool, man, Meanwhile, a jeep full of dudes rolls up to secret armory on the island of Curaçao. It’s loaded with guns. Huge guns. Big, mean, angry guns. These guns are perfect for shooting up elementary schools and daycares in the United States.

These guys want to buy every gun in the armory, but the structure is immediately blown up by a couple of Zodiac Killers: Taurus, and then a guy with “69” on his chest, loooool. That’s the symbol for Cancer. It’s unfortunate, isn’t it?

“Power to act,” continues the almighty cosmic helper who doesn’t see the irony of intervening to help Earth people, therefore stunting their evolution further, “To crush your enemies. And you be free from all the mistakes that have made your world the nightmare it is today.”

Cancer and Taurus find a purple egg in the wreckage. Villains are ALWAYS finding a purple egg for their nefarious plots. Cancer thanks the almighty cosmic helper who doesn’t see the irony of intervening to help Earth people. The cosmic helper says “you’re welcome”. So cordial. So polite.

Good thing that scene is over. At Avengers Tower, Hulk requests an audience with Captain America…from the gardener.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

Oh yeah, Mr. Tough Guy? You and what army??

In Latveria, where Taurus is crushing Thor, Black Widow and Hawkeye like they were little bugs and he was a sociopathic child. Black Widow tries to contact Captain America with her Star Trek insignia transmitter, but it doesn’t work. At least not yet. He’s still having tea with the Hulk.

“I don’t know how you Avengers could possibly have known I was all the way out here or what I was doing,” booms Taurus, the Mighty Bull of the Zodiac (moo), “Do we have a leak? Is there a snitch in the Zodiac organization?”

Man, I sure hope so. Let them all eat each other alive from within! I hear Cancer Crab is delicious this time of year, as is some of that Capricorn sea goat.

Captain America doesn’t show up, but Iron Man does. He punches the bull in the face. FASHAAMMMM and whatnot.

Hawkeye lets loose one of his $9,000,000 electric arrows. It makes Taurus all buzzy and temporarily incapacitated. “I don’t know if you’re new to this,” Iron Man drawls with arrogance, “but this is the part where you accept your surrender.”

I’ll give you six guesses on whether Taurus accepts his surrender… wrong… wrong… wrong… wrong… wrong… right! You got it! The answer is “no he fucking doesn’t”, but Hawkeye gets him in the chest with another $45,000,000 electric arrow, which temporarily phases him back into his balding human self.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

Aha, the onomatopoeia is giving me a clue! His name appears to be “Chuck”.

While Taurus is having temporary trouble looking like a giant godly bull, Iron Man’s visor is going haywire with bleeps and bloops and sneeps and snoops! His readings are CUH-RAAAAZY!! “What is he made of?” Iron Man asks himself. Probably some fake element like Bolognium or Mithril or Hydrogen. At this moment, for some reason, Taurus is all like AAAAGGGHHH about things and starts flying away. Iron Man chases him down.

Elsewhere, Black Widow and Hawkeye find a smolder, quivering pile of Thor on the ground. Perhaps he was unconscious and now he’s not? Because he springs into action all “I’m comin’ to getcha, Bull Man– whatzit whut hubba wubba where did he go??? Daaaaarrrr.”

While the three of them try to figure out this Zodiac nonsense, the forgotten, large, red and gold time capsule lies on the ground just waiting to be folded, spindled, and mutilated!

“Should I open it?” asks Black Widow?
“I say so,” Thor responds, already drooling with anticipation about all the sweets and treats that they’ll assuredly find inside.
“If it’s just that guy’s laundry, I’m going to be pissed,” complains Hawkeye. The laugh track sounds like a flushing toilet.

They open it. It shines with a bright light. We don’t get to see what’s in it, just like that’ fuckin Pulp Fiction briefcase. They know what it is right away. Gulp!

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

Wowwww!! Ooooooh!! Aaaaaah!!

Tony Stark is unconscious on a starship, or at least it looks like a starship. It could very well still be on Earth. He’s stripped down to his skivvies while the other Avengers assemble around him, getting a nice, good look at Stark’s own beautiful package.

“Hey,” says Hulk, who has the best front-row seat.
“It’s ok,” Captain America ensures his best buddy in the world, “the Hulk is here as a friend.”
“Oh, okay, sure,” grumbles Stark as he speedos around.

So, everyone was going to help the guy, but no one knows how to help him! Since his armor is part of him now, uh, Stark’s body ain’t doing normal human body stuff. There’s steel and semiconductors and rust and rats running around in there now. But, hold on, start at the beginning! Why is he floating around in this godforsaken tube? WHERE are his pants? Hulk, you’re the prime suspect here, sir.

Well, friendo, Taurus kicked everyone’s butt to kingdom come. Even Thor. But Stark got the worst of it. He had the pants beat off of him! Hee hee hee.

Stark is the only one who knows about Taurus and the Zodiac. Hulk can corroborate the Zodiac angle; he presents the object he picked up with the Aquarius symbol. Ol’ Waterboy.

Captain America is up to speed on all this, and he’s going to prove it! Hulk was in the desert when Waterboy stole the capsule from the Army Guys! But they thought Hulk stole it! What a misunderstanding! I’m beside myself with frustration on their behalf, I assure you!!

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

Someone has gilded my pantaloons!

As we all know, while Hulk was Hulking in the desert beating up the United States Army and talking to sentient blobs of water, Black Widow and Hawkeye were chilling in Latveria trying to bust up a nuclear arms deal. I mean, I didn’t know that, but I only read every seventeenth panel in these comic books.

Tony Stark feasts his eyes on the contents within the capsule! An Ultimate Nullifier! “It’s a device that, if used correctly, eliminates reality.” Well jeepers creepers, that doesn’t sound good! Eliminating reality, eh? That sounds pretty crazy, huh? Eliminating reality! What a concept!

The thing looks like a translucent cube with a locket inside. Pretty unremarkable.

“The ultimate terrorist attack,” Hawkeye breathes in awe. Yeah, remember 9/11? Dummy.

Captain America basically cries about this. Those dastardly Zodiac cronies! This is mean! And until they figure out what’s going on with this Zodiac bunch, everything stays between the six of them. No other Avengers! Just us, the Dream Team: Ironing Man. Hawkface. Black Mamba. Hulk Hogan. Thorknob. And, of course, American Dad.

First thing’s first: Natasha Romononomonomonomoff, you find somewhere to hide the Reality Warping Device. Sock drawer is always a solid idea. And also–

BOOM

Goddamnit, what now? Oh look, some Zodiacs. Based on the symbols on their chests, we got Libra the Big Green Guy with Matt Gaetz Hair, we got Scorpio the Purple Winged Hair-on-Fire Lady, Gemini the Orange Interchangeable Man, Pisces the Fish Face, Leo the Guy Who Kinda Looks Like Taurus, and our old friend Aquarius the Waterboy.

Cancer and Taurus aren’t around. We’re also inexplicably missing Aries, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Capricorn. Maybe they got lost on the drive over.

“We came for what you stole from us. Give it back and no one will rip anything off your bodies. This should be fun.”

Final Thoughts

Meh, these guys don’t look so tough. Just splash some water on Ms. Fire Hair. I’m sure I can think of how to kill the rest of them too, but I don’t wanna right now!


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The Mist (2007)

Tagline:
Belief divides them, mystery surrounds them, but fear changes everything.

Wide Release Date:
November 21, 2007

Directed by:
Frank Darabont
Written by:
Frank Darabont
Based on the novella by:
Stephen King
Produced by:
Frank Darabont, Martin Shafer, Liz Glotzer

Starring:
Thomas Jane
Marcia Gay Harden
Laurie Holden
Andre Braugher
Toby Jones
William Sadler
Jeffrey DeMunn
Frances Sternhagen
Sam Witwer
Alexa Davalos
Nathan Gamble

The Mist

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I figured I should squeeze in just one horror movie before Halloween. For some reason, out of every single horror movie that exists, out of all the good ones, the classics, the genre definers, I settled on the Mist. How’s that for fucking up?

I own Stephen King’s short story collection Skeleton Crew, but I’ve never read it. Even if I just STARTED reading it, even if I looked at the first page, I would’ve known that the Mist was based on one of his works.

Without that previous knowledge, then, why did I watch this? I haven’t watched many big budget horror movies in my life, but my semi-recent forays into American Horror Story and Black Summer (both of which I considered rather thought-provoking) piqued my interest in what the big screen had to offer with respect to psychological horror. The internet told me that The Mist had one of the saddest endings in movie history. Even if that was ham-fisted hyperbole, I was all for it!

The Mist - Dead Bug Guy

BLURRRGHH BLARRRRGHH WELCOME TO THE MIST HURRRAAAHGGGH

THE 650(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Since this is a Stephen King adaptation, and since Stephen King doesn’t know how to write any story that doesn’t take place in Maine, The Mist takes place in Maine. David Drayton (Thomas Jane) and his family weather a severe thunderstorm and find the house and yard in shambles! While observing the damage, the family notices a strange, pink mist descending down from the hills toward the lake. It looks weird! Anyway, have fun at home, Wife. David takes his eight-year-old son, Billy (Nathan Gamble), and joins his cranky neighbor, Brent (Andre Braugher) to drive into town and buy some groceries and supplies. On their way there, they notice an alarming slew of military vehicles speeding in the opposite direction toward the lake. It is eventually understood that the army was experimenting with otherworldly portals. The storm fucks with any failsafe that keeps this portal closed.

While in the small supermarket, David gets all cozy and friendly and home-y with the staff and the current shoppers. All is normal and well until a bleeding man named Dan (Jeffrey DeMunn) runs toward the store hollerin’ about the scary mist coming toward them. There’s something not-quite-right about that mist! There’s danger in the mist! The store manager Ollie (Toby Jones) helps barricade the store before the mist surrounds it, trapping everyone inside.

This is when shit starts to go down. A bagger named Norm is the first to die; he goes into the back loading dock to power up the generator and some pointy CGI tentacles grab him from under the dock door and hurt him a bit and then drag him into the misty depths. David is able to hack off a piece of a tentacle, which squirms a bit after separation, but serves as suitable evidence for any skeptics in the store!

The Mist - Norm the Bag Boy Dies

This isn’t as fun as Hentai tentacles, waaahhh!!

Not only do the skeptics in the store purposely avoid checking out the evidence, but a group of them (including Brent) decide to say “fuck this shit” and brave the mist. We never see them again.

Local crazy religious nut Mrs. Carmody (Marcia Gay Harden) takes this opportunity to yell at everyone in the store about the End Times and how this mysterious, deathly mist is punishment for everyone’s sins and various debaucheries. She gains a cult following. Literally.

When evening comes, the bright lights of the store start attracting hideous, giant creatures. A lot of them look like regular insects. Some look like scorpions. Some of them look like a cross between bugs and pterodactyls. By the time everyone realizes that the store’s lights are to blame for this ambush, the creatures crash through the store windows and start terrorizing its occupants.

Oh hey, I already wrote a bunch of words about this. OK, so people keep getting killed, even larger creatures are believed to be lurking in the mist, it gets to a point where the only sane people left who aren’t yet dead or absorbed by the religious fanaticism of (the now dead) Mrs. Carmody attempt make a break for it and get in a car.

The Mist - Mrs. Carmody and the Bug

PRAISE JESUS, I’m immune to the bugs!

The only ones who make it to the car without dying are David (with Billy), Dan, Amanda (Laurie Holden), and Irene (Frances Sternhagen). David first drives back to his house to discover his wife dead. Then, attempting to drive their way out of the mist, David keeps going until the car runs out of gas.

The car of five realizes that it’s time to give up. The gun only has four bullets. David decides to be the one to brave a fate worse than getting shot in the head and volunteers to shoot the rest of them in the head, including his son.

Here’s the kicker: when David leaves the car and yells for the creatures to come kill him and get it over with, the mist starts clearing. Military personnel are burning down nests and hives while driving down the road. Having realized that he and the rest of the car had been literally two minutes away from assured safety, David collapses to the ground screaming like a wounded moose.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — The Acting

When your movie’s biggest star is Tom Fucking Jane, it’s time to get wary. For obvious reasons, The Mist isn’t supposed to be taken super seriously, but the over-dramatic over-the-top acting is something I’d expect more from an episode of a ’90s horror TV than a mid-budget thriller from 2007. As the lead, Tom Jane is involved in every circumstance, mission, and conversation. His demeanor ranges from brow-furrowingly calm to brow-furrowingly upset. This guy works at home painting for a living and he’s portrayed as a skilled leader, planner, and a Jack Bauer badass. He thoughtfully knows how to act in any situation, he keeps his cool during even the most frightening, life-threatening situations, and he is presented as the constant rational thinker. A tree smashes through his window, he watches people die, he returns to his house to find his dead wife, he shoots his son in the head, and the absolute most he is able to emote is through demented, unconvincing moaning and screaming.

Everything plays out like an episode of CSI. I understand that the situation is dire and everyone stuck in the store needs to keep their head on straight, but there is very little actual panic. People talk to each other like they’re collaborating on a work project. The fat little nerd middle manager is an expert sharpshooter who has perfect aim during all the chaos. Andre Braugher’s character is an insufferable skeptic who refuses to even go into the next room to look at the evidence, preferring to shout about how dumb and manipulative fifteen people are — who were also skeptics, by the way, until they went into the next room to look at the evidence — when trying to get him to believe the severity of the scary bug/dinosaur-creature mist problem.

The Mist - Demon Bugs on the Window

No window shopping, Bug Jones. Either buy something or get the fuck out of here.

There are only two actors I found adequate in their roles: David’s son, Billy, who was surprisingly believable the entire time as a terrified, sad kid, and Mrs. Carmody, the obnoxious religious nut who forms a little cult of followers in the store. That being said, I was glad when the latter was shot through the forehead. Not too glad about the death of the kid, but hey, shit happens!

TOPIC 2 — The Ending

I liked the ending. Once David left the car and started shouting, I had a feeling that the mist was going to start clearing out. Tom Jane somewhat ruined it with his feral yelling, but the decision to kill everyone in that car , including his son, literally one minute before safety is pretty heartbreaking. It did make an otherwise by-the-book horror/thriller story somewhat worth the watch.

The novella ended differently. Even Stephen King was too much of a wimpy pussy to end his story with a dad murdering his son, but in his version the mist doesn’t go away. They drive and drive south through New Endland, checking the radio band in the evenings for any sort of broadcast. David hears the word “Hartford” over the radio amidst static and stays optimistic.

Frank Darabont didn’t want that. He wanted a child to get murder two minutes before everything was going to be ok! And that’s a better ending as far as I’m concerned.

The Mist - David and His Gun

BAAAHH!!! WAAAAHHHH!!! THE MIST!! HARRUAHAHAH!!

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Stephen King says that he was genuinely frightened by this adaption of his novella. Frank Darabont described that as the happiest moment of his career.
Stephen King is kind of a pussy, then. By 2007, cheesy CGI ain’t cutting it anymore so I maybe he’s legally blind and kind of had to squint while he was in the theater? Perhaps we was genuinely frightened by Tom Jane’s sweating and moaning.

Stephen King got the idea for the source novel when he was in a Maine market. When he noticed the front window was made of plate glass, he wondered what would happen if giant insects flew into it.
Remember that early Family Guy skit with Stephen King pitching the lamp monster? This is the level we’re at here.

It took a while to configure, but the loading dock effect of having the mist stay at the open roll-up door without spilling in “had to do with temperature in the room and air pressure,” and they could control it by adjusting the temperature.
A science consultant got paid $130,000 to explain PV = nRT

When Marcia Gay Harden received the script, she was resistant at first having never done a horror film. She apparently called Braugher to talk about it, and he encouraged her to take the role saying to “view it as an actor’s piece and not just a monster movie.”
Marcia Gay Harden was worried about acting, so she consulted fellow actor Andre Braugher who told her to try acting.

The Mist - Andre Braugher

Andre Braugher is not fucking havin’ it.

At 59 minutes, the window impacts were accomplished by hurling baseballs at the glass, and then digitally removing them and/or hiding them in the flying creature attacking the store.
Here little nine-year-old Nathan Gamble, please stand by this window while Roger Clemens throws a baseball at your face at 100 mph.

The game Half-Life was inspired by the novella, ‘The Mist’. In the game the main weapon of choice is a crowbar. When the group entered the pharmacy, one of them was using a crowbar as a weapon.
Imagine that one of the best and most popular games of the nineties was inspired by “this guy uses a crowbar”.

Amanda has an empty six-shot revolver and two full speed-loaders in her purse. This means there are twelve rounds of ammunition for the revolver. During the course of the movie, exactly twelve rounds are fired before the revolver is out of ammunition.
Thank God that the absolute bare minimum of thought and continuity awareness was taken into consideration during production.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yeah, I suppose so. People sell this movie on the ending alone, but I had to admit that I wasn’t surprised by it. When Tom Jane left the car and started screaming his lungs out like a baboon in heat and nothing happened for a minute, it’s hard not to predict that the mist would be clearing out. Sucks for his son, though!

I’d say it’s worth a watch if you didn’t read this section and allowed me to spoil it for you. If you already read this section and had it spoiled for you, then you should watch it anyway because maybe I’m fucking lying to you. Happy Halloween, bitch.


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Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Superman, Champion of the Oppressed”

Here’s a fun new idea for all y’all. Until the 1970s, and even later by some standards, comic books were largely complete crap. The Golden Age of Comic Books defines the era from 1938 – 1956; thousands of comic books were published and almost every single issue was utter shit.

Once in a great while, I aim to cherry-pick and mock an occasional issue from the vast Golden Age catalog. Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Superman, Champion of the Oppressed”! What better way to highlight a shitty, old comic than with the one of the most famous comic books of all time? The whole bloated, stupid thing is over 60 pages long and the Superman story only covers the first 13. BUT, that being said, this is considered the first superhero comic, and it contains Superman’s very first appearance (among other who-cares superheroes), so it’s a big fucking deal. A near-mint copy sold on eBay in 2014 for over $3,000,000, so people go nuts over it.

Time to make fun of it!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [June, 1938]
Written by: Jerry Siegel
“Superman, Champion of the Oppressed”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Since this thing has 11 stories, and only the first one is a Superman story, I’m only going to cover the Superman story! I wanna hold onto all the sanity that I can, you know.

The very FIRST panel! Exciting! “As a distant planet was destroyed by old age, a scientist placed his infant son within a hastily devised space-ship, launching it toward Earth!” Oh boy! Scientists and spaceships! What a crazy fantasy!

The baby is taken to an orphanage, and it’s quickly discovered that the baby’s strength is “millions of years advanced of their own”. We see baby Superman lift a chair over his head! Impressive!

When he gets older, he finds himself able to leap 1/8th of a mile! He can hurdle a twenty-story building! He can raise tremendous weights! He can run faster than an express train! Which in 1938 can go, what, 15 mph? Clark, as it turns out he is named out of nowhere, decides that he wants to use his powers to help mankind. Thus, Superman is created! “Champion of the Oppressed. The physical marvel who had sworn to devote his existence to helping those in need!” Oh boy! Let me grab a cherry phosphate from the malt shop and eagerly return to the fantastical story!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Superman, as you can see from Exhibit A, can be mostly compared to bugs.

After the writer of Action Comics #1, Jerry Seigel, who was likely born before Lincoln got assassinated, compares Superman to bugs, we continue with the ACTION! The story begins with Superman jumping around town holding a woman who has her hands tied behind her back and her mouth covered by a bandana. He leaves her by a tree and doesn’t even have the decency to help her before he fucks off to the “governor’s estate”.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

I would have called on the rotary phone, but I cannot afford one yet!

At the governor’s estate, another man answers the door (presumably the governor’s assistant or his life partner). When Superman demands to see the governor this instant, and the man does not comply, Superman busts the door off its hinges, picks the man up and takes him upstairs. The governor’s “sleeping room” is barricaded by a steel door. “Try and knock this door down,” the man says with a wry smirk. Superman does! The man is flabbergasted! Bamboozled!

The governor is sleeping nice and cozy in his jammies. “What’s the meaning of this?” he asks, rather calmly. “Evelyn Curry is to be electrocuted in 15 minutes for murder! I have proof here of her innocence – a signed confession!” Superman desperately yelps at him.

The butler arrives in the room (yes, certainly, “the butler”) brandishing a pistol. “I warn you, take another step and I shoot!” he says, and then he shoots before Superman takes another step. The bullet bounces right off of him. “The is no time for horseplay!” Superman says, keeping his urgency at a setting just slightly above annoyed. Meanwhile, a little clock appears in the bottom left of a panel: “A life hangs in the balance. 12 minutes to go.” Is this where the ACTION comes in? My heart is palpitating!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

This blank piece of paper is good enough for me!

And, just like that, Evelyn Curry has been pardoned by the governor! “Thank God! I told you I was innocent!” No DNA evidence around to clear your name Evelyn. You had to settle for the long shot of a possibly illegitimate written confession! Congrats.

Superman disappeared suddenly, but he left a note: “You’ll find the real murderess bound and delivered on the lawn of your estate.” Aha! The twist I wasn’t expecting! The next morning, at the newspaper Clark Kent works at, he’s happy to see that Superman wasn’t mentioned at all in the morning’s top story.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

SUPERMAN?! HA HA…NO! HE’S NOT ME IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE IMPLYING HERE!

While the governor’s office is in a tussle about this Super kind of a Man that just popped out of nowhere at the governor’s house, the editor at the Daily Star calls Clark Kent into his office. “Did you ever hear of Superman?” the editor asks him pointedly. Clark Kent yells his response at him with the subtlety of a speeding bullet and/or locomotive. The editor asks Kent to handle the Superman reporting. “Listen Chief, if I can’t find out about this Superman no one can!” says Kent with pep in his step!

A fellow news reporter gives Kent a tip that there’s a wife-beating happening at 211 Court Ave.! I want to know who made THAT phone call! And why they decided to call the paper instead of, like, maybe the cops? Superman shows up to 211 Court Ave. and makes short work of the perpetrator.

The man tries to stab Superman, but the blade bends against his tough skin! ACTION, BABY! The man faints before Superman can give him “a lesson he’ll never forget”. Then Superman starts beating the woman himself! “MORE FOR ME, HAHAHAA!” Wait, that didn’t happen!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Would a woman do THIS? *puts on some lipstick*

Superman puts on his civilian clothes before the police arrive. They asks him what the FUCK he’s doing here in this house. Kent replies “Looks as tho our friend Superman had dropped in to pay a visit!”, which doesn’t answer the cop’s question AND makes him look more guilty. What if this guy didn’t read the paper this morning?

Next, a nervous Clark Kent asks the dashing lass Lois Lane out on a date, and she groans and moans and sort of agrees. While on the date, he asks her why she keeps avoiding him at the office, and she tells him it’s because he smells like poop! That’s rude, why would she say that?! Yeah, she really did say that, I don’t have to prove anything to YOU.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

BUTCH MATSON’S GETTIN’ UPSET!!

A random tough guy tries to cut in on their dance, and Clark has to restrain himself to maintain his cover as “pathetic ’30s nerd”. When the guy gets too pushy, she slaps him, and Clark gets his rocks off a little on that! Woo baby! Lois storms out, tells Clark that the real reason she doesn’t want to go out with him is because he’s a “spineless, unbearable coward”. Even this early on, Lois Lane’s got moxie!

Mr. Tough Guy storms out of there too, he’s not going to let some broad tell him what’s what! But, what “Butch Matson”, who sort of has his hair slicked back like Lenny from Laverne & Shirley, doesn’t realize is that SUPERMAN is keeping an eye on him. Butch and his thugs put on their best Humphrey Bogart hats and drive their shitty late ’30s Chrysler piece of shit, following Lois Lane’s taxicab. One panel’s caption: “Butch forces Lois’s taxi into a ditch!” Well that’s pretty fucking harsh, isn’t it? Talk about your disproportionate responses!

After a struggle, the hoodlum roughniks get her into their car.  As they zoom down the road, they catch a glimpse of OUR CAPED CRUSADER standing in the middle of the road like some sort of raving lunatic. “Ha! Ha! Watch me scare him out of his wits!” says Butch Matson, flooring it. Superman leaps over the car just before it hits him. “Butch! Step on the gas! He’s chasing after us!!!” says Butch’s bowtied comrade. “IT’S THE DEVIL HIMSELF!” screams Butch Matson.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Noo!! Not my piece of shit 1938 Buick Special! I just put 13 cents of gas in it!

Sorry, Bowtied Comrade, stepping on the gas is no use.

Everyone runs away from the car as Superman totals it with Crush-Cars-Into-a-Cube powers, but he’s not going to let Butch off that easy.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Jesus Christ, make up your mind.

After chasing him down, he gives him a wedgie from the top of a utility pole. And then leaves him there to starve and die, I presume!

Superman catches up with Lois Lane. He flies her back to the to the city and “deposits her upon its outskirts”. Before he leaves, he tells a completely speechless and stunned Lois to not print this little episode in the paper the next morning.

At the office of the Daily Star, Lois Lane’s editor thinks she’s been taking crazy pills, and she’s ignoring Clark harder than ever before. Even funnier still, there’s a war going on in a South American country called “San Monte” and Clark’s editor tells him to pack the fuck up and fly down there, War Zone Boy.

Instead of going to fake-ass San Monte, Clark goes to Washington D.C. to snap a photo of a “furtive man” speaking to a Senator Barrows, where a likely bout of illegal activity is taking place! Political intrigue! Clark learns that it’s Alex Greer, the Slickest Lobbyist in Town!

Next we see Superman clinging to the side of a fucking skyscraper, listening through a window into Senator Barrows’ residence. Apparently, this slick Alex Greer malefactor is paying Barrows a rather handsome sum in order to ensure that a bill is passed to put America at war with Europe! The World War II Involvement Bill! So it was Alex Greer and Senator Barrows who orchestrated the bombing of Pearl Harbor three years later, eh?? I knew it!

Superman rudely accosts Greer as he leaves the residence. “Who is behind you in corrupting Senator Barrows?” Superman demands of the dandy fop! “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” the slick lobbyist professes! Superman will have none of it, and he takes him for a ride!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Faster than a speeding bird! More powerful than a fuckin’ bug!

And then Superman starts fucking with him a bit, running on telephone wires, telling him that birds sit on them without being electrocuted “…unless they touch a telephone-pole and are grounded! OOPS! Almost touched that pole!” I actually laughed at that! I actually laughed the very first Superman comic, holy shit guys.

Superman carries Greer to the Capitol building, and the story ends with Superman asking Greer if he thinks they can leap to the building from afar (Greer is out of his mind with fear at this point), and then missing entirely! TO BE CONTINUED!

Final Thoughts

Shit, maybe I should read Issue #2! I didn’t know any comic book made before 1960 actually, like, continued onto the next installment. Wowie Zowie!

It’s going to take everything in me to admit this, but this was surprisingly not the completely, time-wastingly awful experience I expected and would’ve bet many dollars upon! I also didn’t realize how much stuff showed up in this very first story that would remain canon for the next 80 years: Clark Kent, Lois Lane, their professions…uh, and I guess that’s it!

And if you think I’m going to be boondoggled into reading any of the other ten stories in this comic book at all, you’re plumb bananas. That shit ain’t jake.


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