Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #2 – “Zodiac (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2 – “Zodiac (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, a group of twelve angry men (more like ten angry men and two angry women), calling themselves the Zodiac, may or may not be up to no good. It’s unclear at the moment.

Well, so far, one member of the Zodiac believes that the Avengers stole a thing from them. The thing in question looks like a scary red time capsule. A large bull named Taurus, a bull so large that even god himself (Thor) can’t hit him with a hammer hard enough! He’s mad that the Avengers stole the scary red time capsule from them, when it was actually the American military? I think? Hulk was beating them up, so they didn’t get very far on the stealing part. But Hawkeye and Black Widow did steal the army truck that the capsule was in. So…technically…the Avengers did steal it?

This is a fucking sitcom is what it is.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [June, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 2)”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #2

I like how the Hulk is big and green and mean and scary with jagged fingernails and ripped pants, but he has perfect teeth. White and straight. Give him some fangs or something, for crying out loud.

Backstory reveals the watery figure that Hulk encountered while the army showed up is a member of the Zodiac criminal gang. Maybe Aquarius? I’m gonna guess Aquarius. Aquarius is a reasonable guess here. Aquarius.

Also, Hawkeye and Black Widow encountered Taurus in Europe. Doesn’t say where, though. I’m going to guess Plovdiv, Bulgaria.

The issue begins with many, many, many panels of talking between two unseen individuals. One is leader of the Zodiac, the other is presumably the dude who tugs the marionette strings of the leader of the Zodiac. Views of planets and stars and moons and asteroids and all manner of cosmic splendor are backdropped by this awkward conversation.

“Can I ask you something without sounding disrespectful?”
“That is entirely up to you.”

You can tell that Mr. Puppet Master is talking when his speech bubbles are all SQUIGGLY and OTHERWORLDLY. That’s called a clue, son.

“Why us? And again, I mean no disrespect.”
“Can’t you just be happy that you have been chosen to lead the Zodiac?”

Zodiac Guy stammers and backpedals. Mr. Puppet Master gets touchy about this conversation, thinking that Zodiac Guy is yearning for validation, some attaboys for being CHOSEN and all that.

“What is it you want from us? Please, I–”
“Silence. I will answer you. I want balance. I want cosmic, controlled balance. For once and for all time, I want there to be an order to the chaos.”

Sounds reasonable to me! When asked where the balance is and why there is no balance, the Angry Godlike Entity blames Earth. Earth! Stinky Earth! “For millennia, your world has been used as a genetic petri dish by alien races who say they are your friends…but treat you as test animals. Testing you, altering you. And because of this, your evolution has been retarded and demented.”

Whoa now, let’s not just throw that R-word around. Heh heh… getting kind of tense in here, don’t you think? Uh… here, let me open a window. Get a nice breeze going.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

“Because you’re too much of a wimp to actually do anything with the power. See how that works?”

In short, the human race is too fucked up to evolve to its potential. AND, to add insult injury, you guys are losers who always need help from aliens and martians and other higher beings, and when they interact with you, they fuck you up even more. You get double-fucked, and there’s no one who can help you with that. Not even Santa Claus.

Not until this guy came along.

“I chose you and you chose the Zodiac. Now you have the power.”

Cool, man, Meanwhile, a jeep full of dudes rolls up to secret armory on the island of Curaçao. It’s loaded with guns. Huge guns. Big, mean, angry guns. These guns are perfect for shooting up elementary schools and daycares in the United States.

These guys want to buy every gun in the armory, but the structure is immediately blown up by a couple of Zodiac Killers: Taurus, and then a guy with “69” on his chest, loooool. That’s the symbol for Cancer. It’s unfortunate, isn’t it?

“Power to act,” continues the almighty cosmic helper who doesn’t see the irony of intervening to help Earth people, therefore stunting their evolution further, “To crush your enemies. And you be free from all the mistakes that have made your world the nightmare it is today.”

Cancer and Taurus find a purple egg in the wreckage. Villains are ALWAYS finding a purple egg for their nefarious plots. Cancer thanks the almighty cosmic helper who doesn’t see the irony of intervening to help Earth people. The cosmic helper says “you’re welcome”. So cordial. So polite.

Good thing that scene is over. At Avengers Tower, Hulk requests an audience with Captain America…from the gardener.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

Oh yeah, Mr. Tough Guy? You and what army??

In Latveria, where Taurus is crushing Thor, Black Widow and Hawkeye like they were little bugs and he was a sociopathic child. Black Widow tries to contact Captain America with her Star Trek insignia transmitter, but it doesn’t work. At least not yet. He’s still having tea with the Hulk.

“I don’t know how you Avengers could possibly have known I was all the way out here or what I was doing,” booms Taurus, the Mighty Bull of the Zodiac (moo), “Do we have a leak? Is there a snitch in the Zodiac organization?”

Man, I sure hope so. Let them all eat each other alive from within! I hear Cancer Crab is delicious this time of year, as is some of that Capricorn sea goat.

Captain America doesn’t show up, but Iron Man does. He punches the bull in the face. FASHAAMMMM and whatnot.

Hawkeye lets loose one of his $9,000,000 electric arrows. It makes Taurus all buzzy and temporarily incapacitated. “I don’t know if you’re new to this,” Iron Man drawls with arrogance, “but this is the part where you accept your surrender.”

I’ll give you six guesses on whether Taurus accepts his surrender… wrong… wrong… wrong… wrong… wrong… right! You got it! The answer is “no he fucking doesn’t”, but Hawkeye gets him in the chest with another $45,000,000 electric arrow, which temporarily phases him back into his balding human self.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

Aha, the onomatopoeia is giving me a clue! His name appears to be “Chuck”.

While Taurus is having temporary trouble looking like a giant godly bull, Iron Man’s visor is going haywire with bleeps and bloops and sneeps and snoops! His readings are CUH-RAAAAZY!! “What is he made of?” Iron Man asks himself. Probably some fake element like Bolognium or Mithril or Hydrogen. At this moment, for some reason, Taurus is all like AAAAGGGHHH about things and starts flying away. Iron Man chases him down.

Elsewhere, Black Widow and Hawkeye find a smolder, quivering pile of Thor on the ground. Perhaps he was unconscious and now he’s not? Because he springs into action all “I’m comin’ to getcha, Bull Man– whatzit whut hubba wubba where did he go??? Daaaaarrrr.”

While the three of them try to figure out this Zodiac nonsense, the forgotten, large, red and gold time capsule lies on the ground just waiting to be folded, spindled, and mutilated!

“Should I open it?” asks Black Widow?
“I say so,” Thor responds, already drooling with anticipation about all the sweets and treats that they’ll assuredly find inside.
“If it’s just that guy’s laundry, I’m going to be pissed,” complains Hawkeye. The laugh track sounds like a flushing toilet.

They open it. It shines with a bright light. We don’t get to see what’s in it, just like that’ fuckin Pulp Fiction briefcase. They know what it is right away. Gulp!

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

Wowwww!! Ooooooh!! Aaaaaah!!

Tony Stark is unconscious on a starship, or at least it looks like a starship. It could very well still be on Earth. He’s stripped down to his skivvies while the other Avengers assemble around him, getting a nice, good look at Stark’s own beautiful package.

“Hey,” says Hulk, who has the best front-row seat.
“It’s ok,” Captain America ensures his best buddy in the world, “the Hulk is here as a friend.”
“Oh, okay, sure,” grumbles Stark as he speedos around.

So, everyone was going to help the guy, but no one knows how to help him! Since his armor is part of him now, uh, Stark’s body ain’t doing normal human body stuff. There’s steel and semiconductors and rust and rats running around in there now. But, hold on, start at the beginning! Why is he floating around in this godforsaken tube? WHERE are his pants? Hulk, you’re the prime suspect here, sir.

Well, friendo, Taurus kicked everyone’s butt to kingdom come. Even Thor. But Stark got the worst of it. He had the pants beat off of him! Hee hee hee.

Stark is the only one who knows about Taurus and the Zodiac. Hulk can corroborate the Zodiac angle; he presents the object he picked up with the Aquarius symbol. Ol’ Waterboy.

Captain America is up to speed on all this, and he’s going to prove it! Hulk was in the desert when Waterboy stole the capsule from the Army Guys! But they thought Hulk stole it! What a misunderstanding! I’m beside myself with frustration on their behalf, I assure you!!

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2

Someone has gilded my pantaloons!

As we all know, while Hulk was Hulking in the desert beating up the United States Army and talking to sentient blobs of water, Black Widow and Hawkeye were chilling in Latveria trying to bust up a nuclear arms deal. I mean, I didn’t know that, but I only read every seventeenth panel in these comic books.

Tony Stark feasts his eyes on the contents within the capsule! An Ultimate Nullifier! “It’s a device that, if used correctly, eliminates reality.” Well jeepers creepers, that doesn’t sound good! Eliminating reality, eh? That sounds pretty crazy, huh? Eliminating reality! What a concept!

The thing looks like a translucent cube with a locket inside. Pretty unremarkable.

“The ultimate terrorist attack,” Hawkeye breathes in awe. Yeah, remember 9/11? Dummy.

Captain America basically cries about this. Those dastardly Zodiac cronies! This is mean! And until they figure out what’s going on with this Zodiac bunch, everything stays between the six of them. No other Avengers! Just us, the Dream Team: Ironing Man. Hawkface. Black Mamba. Hulk Hogan. Thorknob. And, of course, American Dad.

First thing’s first: Natasha Romononomonomonomoff, you find somewhere to hide the Reality Warping Device. Sock drawer is always a solid idea. And also–

BOOM

Goddamnit, what now? Oh look, some Zodiacs. Based on the symbols on their chests, we got Libra the Big Green Guy with Matt Gaetz Hair, we got Scorpio the Purple Winged Hair-on-Fire Lady, Gemini the Orange Interchangeable Man, Pisces the Fish Face, Leo the Guy Who Kinda Looks Like Taurus, and our old friend Aquarius the Waterboy.

Cancer and Taurus aren’t around. We’re also inexplicably missing Aries, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Capricorn. Maybe they got lost on the drive over.

“We came for what you stole from us. Give it back and no one will rip anything off your bodies. This should be fun.”

Final Thoughts

Meh, these guys don’t look so tough. Just splash some water on Ms. Fire Hair. I’m sure I can think of how to kill the rest of them too, but I don’t wanna right now!


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The Mist (2007)

Tagline:
Belief divides them, mystery surrounds them, but fear changes everything.

Wide Release Date:
November 21, 2007

Directed by:
Frank Darabont
Written by:
Frank Darabont
Based on the novella by:
Stephen King
Produced by:
Frank Darabont, Martin Shafer, Liz Glotzer

Starring:
Thomas Jane
Marcia Gay Harden
Laurie Holden
Andre Braugher
Toby Jones
William Sadler
Jeffrey DeMunn
Frances Sternhagen
Sam Witwer
Alexa Davalos
Nathan Gamble

The Mist

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I figured I should squeeze in just one horror movie before Halloween. For some reason, out of every single horror movie that exists, out of all the good ones, the classics, the genre definers, I settled on the Mist. How’s that for fucking up?

I own Stephen King’s short story collection Skeleton Crew, but I’ve never read it. Even if I just STARTED reading it, even if I looked at the first page, I would’ve known that the Mist was based on one of his works.

Without that previous knowledge, then, why did I watch this? I haven’t watched many big budget horror movies in my life, but my semi-recent forays into American Horror Story and Black Summer (both of which I considered rather thought-provoking) piqued my interest in what the big screen had to offer with respect to psychological horror. The internet told me that The Mist had one of the saddest endings in movie history. Even if that was ham-fisted hyperbole, I was all for it!

The Mist - Dead Bug Guy

BLURRRGHH BLARRRRGHH WELCOME TO THE MIST HURRRAAAHGGGH

THE 650(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Since this is a Stephen King adaptation, and since Stephen King doesn’t know how to write any story that doesn’t take place in Maine, The Mist takes place in Maine. David Drayton (Thomas Jane) and his family weather a severe thunderstorm and find the house and yard in shambles! While observing the damage, the family notices a strange, pink mist descending down from the hills toward the lake. It looks weird! Anyway, have fun at home, Wife. David takes his eight-year-old son, Billy (Nathan Gamble), and joins his cranky neighbor, Brent (Andre Braugher) to drive into town and buy some groceries and supplies. On their way there, they notice an alarming slew of military vehicles speeding in the opposite direction toward the lake. It is eventually understood that the army was experimenting with otherworldly portals. The storm fucks with any failsafe that keeps this portal closed.

While in the small supermarket, David gets all cozy and friendly and home-y with the staff and the current shoppers. All is normal and well until a bleeding man named Dan (Jeffrey DeMunn) runs toward the store hollerin’ about the scary mist coming toward them. There’s something not-quite-right about that mist! There’s danger in the mist! The store manager Ollie (Toby Jones) helps barricade the store before the mist surrounds it, trapping everyone inside.

This is when shit starts to go down. A bagger named Norm is the first to die; he goes into the back loading dock to power up the generator and some pointy CGI tentacles grab him from under the dock door and hurt him a bit and then drag him into the misty depths. David is able to hack off a piece of a tentacle, which squirms a bit after separation, but serves as suitable evidence for any skeptics in the store!

The Mist - Norm the Bag Boy Dies

This isn’t as fun as Hentai tentacles, waaahhh!!

Not only do the skeptics in the store purposely avoid checking out the evidence, but a group of them (including Brent) decide to say “fuck this shit” and brave the mist. We never see them again.

Local crazy religious nut Mrs. Carmody (Marcia Gay Harden) takes this opportunity to yell at everyone in the store about the End Times and how this mysterious, deathly mist is punishment for everyone’s sins and various debaucheries. She gains a cult following. Literally.

When evening comes, the bright lights of the store start attracting hideous, giant creatures. A lot of them look like regular insects. Some look like scorpions. Some of them look like a cross between bugs and pterodactyls. By the time everyone realizes that the store’s lights are to blame for this ambush, the creatures crash through the store windows and start terrorizing its occupants.

Oh hey, I already wrote a bunch of words about this. OK, so people keep getting killed, even larger creatures are believed to be lurking in the mist, it gets to a point where the only sane people left who aren’t yet dead or absorbed by the religious fanaticism of (the now dead) Mrs. Carmody attempt make a break for it and get in a car.

The Mist - Mrs. Carmody and the Bug

PRAISE JESUS, I’m immune to the bugs!

The only ones who make it to the car without dying are David (with Billy), Dan, Amanda (Laurie Holden), and Irene (Frances Sternhagen). David first drives back to his house to discover his wife dead. Then, attempting to drive their way out of the mist, David keeps going until the car runs out of gas.

The car of five realizes that it’s time to give up. The gun only has four bullets. David decides to be the one to brave a fate worse than getting shot in the head and volunteers to shoot the rest of them in the head, including his son.

Here’s the kicker: when David leaves the car and yells for the creatures to come kill him and get it over with, the mist starts clearing. Military personnel are burning down nests and hives while driving down the road. Having realized that he and the rest of the car had been literally two minutes away from assured safety, David collapses to the ground screaming like a wounded moose.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — The Acting

When your movie’s biggest star is Tom Fucking Jane, it’s time to get wary. For obvious reasons, The Mist isn’t supposed to be taken super seriously, but the over-dramatic over-the-top acting is something I’d expect more from an episode of a ’90s horror TV than a mid-budget thriller from 2007. As the lead, Tom Jane is involved in every circumstance, mission, and conversation. His demeanor ranges from brow-furrowingly calm to brow-furrowingly upset. This guy works at home painting for a living and he’s portrayed as a skilled leader, planner, and a Jack Bauer badass. He thoughtfully knows how to act in any situation, he keeps his cool during even the most frightening, life-threatening situations, and he is presented as the constant rational thinker. A tree smashes through his window, he watches people die, he returns to his house to find his dead wife, he shoots his son in the head, and the absolute most he is able to emote is through demented, unconvincing moaning and screaming.

Everything plays out like an episode of CSI. I understand that the situation is dire and everyone stuck in the store needs to keep their head on straight, but there is very little actual panic. People talk to each other like they’re collaborating on a work project. The fat little nerd middle manager is an expert sharpshooter who has perfect aim during all the chaos. Andre Braugher’s character is an insufferable skeptic who refuses to even go into the next room to look at the evidence, preferring to shout about how dumb and manipulative fifteen people are — who were also skeptics, by the way, until they went into the next room to look at the evidence — when trying to get him to believe the severity of the scary bug/dinosaur-creature mist problem.

The Mist - Demon Bugs on the Window

No window shopping, Bug Jones. Either buy something or get the fuck out of here.

There are only two actors I found adequate in their roles: David’s son, Billy, who was surprisingly believable the entire time as a terrified, sad kid, and Mrs. Carmody, the obnoxious religious nut who forms a little cult of followers in the store. That being said, I was glad when the latter was shot through the forehead. Not too glad about the death of the kid, but hey, shit happens!

TOPIC 2 — The Ending

I liked the ending. Once David left the car and started shouting, I had a feeling that the mist was going to start clearing out. Tom Jane somewhat ruined it with his feral yelling, but the decision to kill everyone in that car , including his son, literally one minute before safety is pretty heartbreaking. It did make an otherwise by-the-book horror/thriller story somewhat worth the watch.

The novella ended differently. Even Stephen King was too much of a wimpy pussy to end his story with a dad murdering his son, but in his version the mist doesn’t go away. They drive and drive south through New Endland, checking the radio band in the evenings for any sort of broadcast. David hears the word “Hartford” over the radio amidst static and stays optimistic.

Frank Darabont didn’t want that. He wanted a child to get murder two minutes before everything was going to be ok! And that’s a better ending as far as I’m concerned.

The Mist - David and His Gun

BAAAHH!!! WAAAAHHHH!!! THE MIST!! HARRUAHAHAH!!

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Stephen King says that he was genuinely frightened by this adaption of his novella. Frank Darabont described that as the happiest moment of his career.
Stephen King is kind of a pussy, then. By 2007, cheesy CGI ain’t cutting it anymore so I maybe he’s legally blind and kind of had to squint while he was in the theater? Perhaps we was genuinely frightened by Tom Jane’s sweating and moaning.

Stephen King got the idea for the source novel when he was in a Maine market. When he noticed the front window was made of plate glass, he wondered what would happen if giant insects flew into it.
Remember that early Family Guy skit with Stephen King pitching the lamp monster? This is the level we’re at here.

It took a while to configure, but the loading dock effect of having the mist stay at the open roll-up door without spilling in “had to do with temperature in the room and air pressure,” and they could control it by adjusting the temperature.
A science consultant got paid $130,000 to explain PV = nRT

When Marcia Gay Harden received the script, she was resistant at first having never done a horror film. She apparently called Braugher to talk about it, and he encouraged her to take the role saying to “view it as an actor’s piece and not just a monster movie.”
Marcia Gay Harden was worried about acting, so she consulted fellow actor Andre Braugher who told her to try acting.

The Mist - Andre Braugher

Andre Braugher is not fucking havin’ it.

At 59 minutes, the window impacts were accomplished by hurling baseballs at the glass, and then digitally removing them and/or hiding them in the flying creature attacking the store.
Here little nine-year-old Nathan Gamble, please stand by this window while Roger Clemens throws a baseball at your face at 100 mph.

The game Half-Life was inspired by the novella, ‘The Mist’. In the game the main weapon of choice is a crowbar. When the group entered the pharmacy, one of them was using a crowbar as a weapon.
Imagine that one of the best and most popular games of the nineties was inspired by “this guy uses a crowbar”.

Amanda has an empty six-shot revolver and two full speed-loaders in her purse. This means there are twelve rounds of ammunition for the revolver. During the course of the movie, exactly twelve rounds are fired before the revolver is out of ammunition.
Thank God that the absolute bare minimum of thought and continuity awareness was taken into consideration during production.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yeah, I suppose so. People sell this movie on the ending alone, but I had to admit that I wasn’t surprised by it. When Tom Jane left the car and started screaming his lungs out like a baboon in heat and nothing happened for a minute, it’s hard not to predict that the mist would be clearing out. Sucks for his son, though!

I’d say it’s worth a watch if you didn’t read this section and allowed me to spoil it for you. If you already read this section and had it spoiled for you, then you should watch it anyway because maybe I’m fucking lying to you. Happy Halloween, bitch.


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Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Superman, Champion of the Oppressed”

Here’s a fun new idea for all y’all. Until the 1970s, and even later by some standards, comic books were largely complete crap. The Golden Age of Comic Books defines the era from 1938 – 1956; thousands of comic books were published and almost every single issue was utter shit.

Once in a great while, I aim to cherry-pick and mock an occasional issue from the vast Golden Age catalog. Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Superman, Champion of the Oppressed”! What better way to highlight a shitty, old comic than with the one of the most famous comic books of all time? The whole bloated, stupid thing is over 60 pages long and the Superman story only covers the first 13. BUT, that being said, this is considered the first superhero comic, and it contains Superman’s very first appearance (among other who-cares superheroes), so it’s a big fucking deal. A near-mint copy sold on eBay in 2014 for over $3,000,000, so people go nuts over it.

Time to make fun of it!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [June, 1938]
Written by: Jerry Siegel
“Superman, Champion of the Oppressed”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Since this thing has 11 stories, and only the first one is a Superman story, I’m only going to cover the Superman story! I wanna hold onto all the sanity that I can, you know.

The very FIRST panel! Exciting! “As a distant planet was destroyed by old age, a scientist placed his infant son within a hastily devised space-ship, launching it toward Earth!” Oh boy! Scientists and spaceships! What a crazy fantasy!

The baby is taken to an orphanage, and it’s quickly discovered that the baby’s strength is “millions of years advanced of their own”. We see baby Superman lift a chair over his head! Impressive!

When he gets older, he finds himself able to leap 1/8th of a mile! He can hurdle a twenty-story building! He can raise tremendous weights! He can run faster than an express train! Which in 1938 can go, what, 15 mph? Clark, as it turns out he is named out of nowhere, decides that he wants to use his powers to help mankind. Thus, Superman is created! “Champion of the Oppressed. The physical marvel who had sworn to devote his existence to helping those in need!” Oh boy! Let me grab a cherry phosphate from the malt shop and eagerly return to the fantastical story!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Superman, as you can see from Exhibit A, can be mostly compared to bugs.

After the writer of Action Comics #1, Jerry Seigel, who was likely born before Lincoln got assassinated, compares Superman to bugs, we continue with the ACTION! The story begins with Superman jumping around town holding a woman who has her hands tied behind her back and her mouth covered by a bandana. He leaves her by a tree and doesn’t even have the decency to help her before he fucks off to the “governor’s estate”.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

I would have called on the rotary phone, but I cannot afford one yet!

At the governor’s estate, another man answers the door (presumably the governor’s assistant or his life partner). When Superman demands to see the governor this instant, and the man does not comply, Superman busts the door off its hinges, picks the man up and takes him upstairs. The governor’s “sleeping room” is barricaded by a steel door. “Try and knock this door down,” the man says with a wry smirk. Superman does! The man is flabbergasted! Bamboozled!

The governor is sleeping nice and cozy in his jammies. “What’s the meaning of this?” he asks, rather calmly. “Evelyn Curry is to be electrocuted in 15 minutes for murder! I have proof here of her innocence – a signed confession!” Superman desperately yelps at him.

The butler arrives in the room (yes, certainly, “the butler”) brandishing a pistol. “I warn you, take another step and I shoot!” he says, and then he shoots before Superman takes another step. The bullet bounces right off of him. “The is no time for horseplay!” Superman says, keeping his urgency at a setting just slightly above annoyed. Meanwhile, a little clock appears in the bottom left of a panel: “A life hangs in the balance. 12 minutes to go.” Is this where the ACTION comes in? My heart is palpitating!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

This blank piece of paper is good enough for me!

And, just like that, Evelyn Curry has been pardoned by the governor! “Thank God! I told you I was innocent!” No DNA evidence around to clear your name Evelyn. You had to settle for the long shot of a possibly illegitimate written confession! Congrats.

Superman disappeared suddenly, but he left a note: “You’ll find the real murderess bound and delivered on the lawn of your estate.” Aha! The twist I wasn’t expecting! The next morning, at the newspaper Clark Kent works at, he’s happy to see that Superman wasn’t mentioned at all in the morning’s top story.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

SUPERMAN?! HA HA…NO! HE’S NOT ME IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE IMPLYING HERE!

While the governor’s office is in a tussle about this Super kind of a Man that just popped out of nowhere at the governor’s house, the editor at the Daily Star calls Clark Kent into his office. “Did you ever hear of Superman?” the editor asks him pointedly. Clark Kent yells his response at him with the subtlety of a speeding bullet and/or locomotive. The editor asks Kent to handle the Superman reporting. “Listen Chief, if I can’t find out about this Superman no one can!” says Kent with pep in his step!

A fellow news reporter gives Kent a tip that there’s a wife-beating happening at 211 Court Ave.! I want to know who made THAT phone call! And why they decided to call the paper instead of, like, maybe the cops? Superman shows up to 211 Court Ave. and makes short work of the perpetrator.

The man tries to stab Superman, but the blade bends against his tough skin! ACTION, BABY! The man faints before Superman can give him “a lesson he’ll never forget”. Then Superman starts beating the woman himself! “MORE FOR ME, HAHAHAA!” Wait, that didn’t happen!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Would a woman do THIS? *puts on some lipstick*

Superman puts on his civilian clothes before the police arrive. They asks him what the FUCK he’s doing here in this house. Kent replies “Looks as tho our friend Superman had dropped in to pay a visit!”, which doesn’t answer the cop’s question AND makes him look more guilty. What if this guy didn’t read the paper this morning?

Next, a nervous Clark Kent asks the dashing lass Lois Lane out on a date, and she groans and moans and sort of agrees. While on the date, he asks her why she keeps avoiding him at the office, and she tells him it’s because he smells like poop! That’s rude, why would she say that?! Yeah, she really did say that, I don’t have to prove anything to YOU.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

BUTCH MATSON’S GETTIN’ UPSET!!

A random tough guy tries to cut in on their dance, and Clark has to restrain himself to maintain his cover as “pathetic ’30s nerd”. When the guy gets too pushy, she slaps him, and Clark gets his rocks off a little on that! Woo baby! Lois storms out, tells Clark that the real reason she doesn’t want to go out with him is because he’s a “spineless, unbearable coward”. Even this early on, Lois Lane’s got moxie!

Mr. Tough Guy storms out of there too, he’s not going to let some broad tell him what’s what! But, what “Butch Matson”, who sort of has his hair slicked back like Lenny from Laverne & Shirley, doesn’t realize is that SUPERMAN is keeping an eye on him. Butch and his thugs put on their best Humphrey Bogart hats and drive their shitty late ’30s Chrysler piece of shit, following Lois Lane’s taxicab. One panel’s caption: “Butch forces Lois’s taxi into a ditch!” Well that’s pretty fucking harsh, isn’t it? Talk about your disproportionate responses!

After a struggle, the hoodlum roughniks get her into their car.  As they zoom down the road, they catch a glimpse of OUR CAPED CRUSADER standing in the middle of the road like some sort of raving lunatic. “Ha! Ha! Watch me scare him out of his wits!” says Butch Matson, flooring it. Superman leaps over the car just before it hits him. “Butch! Step on the gas! He’s chasing after us!!!” says Butch’s bowtied comrade. “IT’S THE DEVIL HIMSELF!” screams Butch Matson.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Noo!! Not my piece of shit 1938 Buick Special! I just put 13 cents of gas in it!

Sorry, Bowtied Comrade, stepping on the gas is no use.

Everyone runs away from the car as Superman totals it with Crush-Cars-Into-a-Cube powers, but he’s not going to let Butch off that easy.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Jesus Christ, make up your mind.

After chasing him down, he gives him a wedgie from the top of a utility pole. And then leaves him there to starve and die, I presume!

Superman catches up with Lois Lane. He flies her back to the to the city and “deposits her upon its outskirts”. Before he leaves, he tells a completely speechless and stunned Lois to not print this little episode in the paper the next morning.

At the office of the Daily Star, Lois Lane’s editor thinks she’s been taking crazy pills, and she’s ignoring Clark harder than ever before. Even funnier still, there’s a war going on in a South American country called “San Monte” and Clark’s editor tells him to pack the fuck up and fly down there, War Zone Boy.

Instead of going to fake-ass San Monte, Clark goes to Washington D.C. to snap a photo of a “furtive man” speaking to a Senator Barrows, where a likely bout of illegal activity is taking place! Political intrigue! Clark learns that it’s Alex Greer, the Slickest Lobbyist in Town!

Next we see Superman clinging to the side of a fucking skyscraper, listening through a window into Senator Barrows’ residence. Apparently, this slick Alex Greer malefactor is paying Barrows a rather handsome sum in order to ensure that a bill is passed to put America at war with Europe! The World War II Involvement Bill! So it was Alex Greer and Senator Barrows who orchestrated the bombing of Pearl Harbor three years later, eh?? I knew it!

Superman rudely accosts Greer as he leaves the residence. “Who is behind you in corrupting Senator Barrows?” Superman demands of the dandy fop! “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” the slick lobbyist professes! Superman will have none of it, and he takes him for a ride!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #1

Faster than a speeding bird! More powerful than a fuckin’ bug!

And then Superman starts fucking with him a bit, running on telephone wires, telling him that birds sit on them without being electrocuted “…unless they touch a telephone-pole and are grounded! OOPS! Almost touched that pole!” I actually laughed at that! I actually laughed the very first Superman comic, holy shit guys.

Superman carries Greer to the Capitol building, and the story ends with Superman asking Greer if he thinks they can leap to the building from afar (Greer is out of his mind with fear at this point), and then missing entirely! TO BE CONTINUED!

Final Thoughts

Shit, maybe I should read Issue #2! I didn’t know any comic book made before 1960 actually, like, continued onto the next installment. Wowie Zowie!

It’s going to take everything in me to admit this, but this was surprisingly not the completely, time-wastingly awful experience I expected and would’ve bet many dollars upon! I also didn’t realize how much stuff showed up in this very first story that would remain canon for the next 80 years: Clark Kent, Lois Lane, their professions…uh, and I guess that’s it!

And if you think I’m going to be boondoggled into reading any of the other ten stories in this comic book at all, you’re plumb bananas. That shit ain’t jake.


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The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 2 – “Deep Throat”

The X-Files

“Mulder and Scully investigate the mysterious case of a military test pilot who disappeared after experiencing strange psychotic behavior.“

Yeah, so it actually sounds like the only one who’s going to be doing any deep throating in this episode is Special Agent Fucks Mulder.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 2 - Deep Throat

“Scully, I’ll be doing all the deep throating today. I promise.”

We begin in southern Idaho near Ellens Air Force Base where a military SWAT team of sorts is trying to break into some poor lady’s nice-looking house while she just stands there and watches them. They bust through the house breaking all sorts of shit, and then eventually find a man in his underwear sitting on the floor against the wall. He’s shivering AND completely covered in burns! An interesting combination.

Sounds like a strange case for Mulder AND Scully, the Team of Dreams. Scully waits for Mulder in a bar. He shows up and makes his presence known to her by sticking his face within four millimeters of her face. Personal bubbles this guy ain’t know nothin’ about.

The almost-naked guy was a military man named Colonel Robert Budahas, who didn’t look like a dignified Colonel to me! He looked like a dork. He’s not at the house anymore. The military will not reveal what had happened to him, and several other pilots had experienced similar weird issues near the same base. Reportedly, they were all flying EXPERIMENTAL PLANES! Budahas’ wife won’t even disclose the information. The Colonel’s disappearance being officially ruled a kidnapping!

While Mulder freshens himself up in the little boy’s room, a man pops in and scares the shit out of him. “Leave this case alone, Agent Mulder,” the man says with a slight underbite and a raspy voice. A fairly deep throaty timbre, if you ask me. And you shouldn’t. The military doesn’t want some nerd hunting for aliens to be involved with this routine kidnapping case! The man will not tell Mulder who he is; he is merely advising him congenially! And he’d better toe the line before Skinner kisses him to death.

Scully scans the really outdated newspaper archives looking for similar cases and stumbles across the letters “UFO” a lot in the headlines. Scully calls Mulder and the phone sounds bugged. There’s a man in an unmarked van right outside Mulder’s apartment looking very conspicuous and menacing, so Mulder tells Scully to shut the hell up and they’ll talk about things later. They’ll talk about things later while they hug and kiss each other. Some day.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 2 - Deep Throat

“Scully, you’re breaking up. Are you going through a tunnel? Do you remember what I said about me doing all the deep throating?”

BUDAHAS WIFE INTERROGATION TIME! Her testimony is that Robert came back from his mission acting all weird: putting fish food on his steak, shaking like he was having a seizure, pooping his pants in front of the kids and playing with the poop, loving his country like a fucking idiot. And it’s not just her husband; Mrs. Budahas has a buddy whose military husband came back from a mission all cuckoo. We seem him pulling hairs out of his head and trying to tie them around flies. That sounds like a good hobby, and it sounds way more productive than this thing I’m doing right now.

Agent Dana Levelheaded Scully has an explanation for all this that has nothing to do with creepy crawly aliens. Stress! Being a military man is stressful! Case closed. Let’s go to Denny’s and have a Grand Slam breakfast.

Mulder isn’t done yet, though. There’s more investigation to be had here. They meet up with a man named Colonel Kissell, who not only has nothing to say about Budahas, but he is ALSO very mean and uncooperative with them. It’s like he’s hiding something. Fishy stuff. Mulder’s interest is piqued further.

A man named Paul Mossinger, who is also interested in these cases, approaches the FBI Twosome to help investigate. This guy thinks people who believe in aliens and UFOs are complete assholes, so Mulder gets salty and you can tell his half-erection starts drooping immediately. With all this information collected, it’s time to visit the Ellens Air Force Base. Scully thinks this is a waste of time and starts shrieking at Mulder while he climbs hills and searches for UFOs in the sky. By now the 1993 viewing audience has changed the channel to start watching American Gladiators while drinking Crystal Pepsi. And while they are doing that, Mulder shows Scully some weird lights in the sky floating around as if they were terrible special effects! Mulder says they’re aliens. Scully says they’re lasers. Mulder, then, probably thinks they’re alien lasers.

Here comes that part I’ve been waiting for. A 19-year-old Seth Green shows up with his girlfriend while a black helicopter chases the four of these military base trespassers down. He plays a completely burned-out stoner with long, fluffy hair.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 2 - Deep Throat

How about NO, Scott. Okay?

Later in a restaurant, the agents ask what the two kids doing there in the base. Instead of saying “fucking”, they say they were listening to music and watching the “air show”. They have nothing really of import to say, other than UFO conspiracy stuff that revitalizes Mulder’s erection while Scully shakes her head in exasperation.

Mulder and Scully bid them farewell the next morning and get in their car. “You could’ve showed that kid a picture of a flying hamburger, and he would tell you that’s exactly what he saw,” Scully tells her partner incredulously after he admits he believes every word Seth Green said. Now it’s Mulder’s turn to be incredulous. How can Scully possibly still be skeptical when SHE SAW EVERYTHING HE SAW WITH THEIR OWN TWO EYES! Flying lights, man! Come on!

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 2 - Deep Throat

“Looks like you deep throated one too many conspiracy theories, Mulder.”

Time for more weird happenings. Mrs. Budahas calls Mulder and Scully over, crying, to report that her husband has finally come home. But he’s some sort of pod person now. Sounds like a case of Capgras syndrome, where you think a loved one was replaced with an impostor, but Robert Budahas is able to answer every personal question asked. Questions such as “when were you born” and “how many mailboxes did you break with a bat last night”. And the answer to both is the same: 1948.

When Mulder asks Budahas if a certain flight maneuver is possible, Budahas admits that he can’t remember! He can’t remember simple aircraft information! A Colonel of the Air Force! Mulder now knows that certain memories had been erased from Robert Budahas’ mind by the government, but Scully is chalking it up to selective amnesia.

By now it’s obvious that Mulder knows too much and is asking all the wrong questions. A couple of cars containing well-dressed sunglasses men run Mulder and Scully off the road and demand to see their paperwork. National Security Agents. They give Mulder the ol’ gut-punch and then escort the two of them back to their hotel.

At this point, Mulder admits that his phone was bugged during that earlier call. All these strange government involvements are finally starting to rattle Scully, but something this huge would be a national scandal. Not extraterrestrials or Martians or Zoidbergs. Perhaps it’s just secret government experiments that the two of them simply do not have clearance to know about. Now let’s get the fuck out of Idaho before we lose our jobs and get attacked by potato-throwing Mormons.

Mulder ain’t havin’ it! He leaves Scully in the hotel room and drives away to find the stoned kids. They let him through the gate where they entered the base, but they don’t remember where they were when they were there and stoned. Plus there are landmines, but I don’t think Mulder knows that. It would be funny if he fucking killed himself, but then there wouldn’t be Episode 3.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 2 - Deep Throat

Maybe if I stand in this field long enough, the aliens will take me to their leader.

He hangs out there for 17 hours waiting for something exciting to happen on the airstrip. And something exciting eventually does happen: a large triangle flies over Mulder while he smiles serenely. And then the military chases him down and 46 guys drag him into their armored car.

COMMERCIAL BREAK! Enjoy some Crystal Pepsi! It ain’t bogus!

Scully is still at the hotel, very suspicious that Mulder’s not home yet. She’s been up all night waiting! She tries a few phones in the hotel, but nothing is working. FISHY. Fish fish fish. Fish everywhere ’round these parts.

Mulder is elsewhere getting wheeled into a strange facility on a gurney. He’d be having fun if he weren’t half-conscious with what looks like a nitrous oxide hook-up. He spots a large hangar with a parked triangle-shaped craft! And Scully’s not even here to see it! Arrghh!

When Scully visits Paul Mossinger to gather some information, she learns that he’s a top-level bad guy government agent type and pulls a gun to his face. She threatens to blow his head off through his butthole unless he gets on his walkie-talkie and finds out where Mulder is! STAT! And Mulder, meanwhile, is having the time of his life getting weird eyedrops splashed into his eyes by men in white coats.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 2 - Deep Throat

I have incredible point-blank range aim, sir.

Mossinger drives Scully to the base while she keeps the gun trained at his head. Needless to say, Mossinger is a little bit irked. He warns her that she’s being a silly goose, but she doesn’t care. She wants her Mulder back before he forgets his knowledge of simple flight maneuvers!

At the base gates, where Mossinger and Scully are waiting, Mulder stumbles through looking like he’s had about 90 drinks at the dive bar while shooting heroin into his eardrums. Scully drives away with him while he stares vaguely at the road ahead. “Scully, I…” he says to her while she looks like she’s about to hyperventilate, “…how did I get here?”

♪ ♫ ♬ Letting the days go by!… ♫ ♬ ♬

Scully decides that it’s time to go. Aliens aren’t real. She writes up her report to conclude that there has been nothing learned since the beginning of their investigation and that Mulder is a lunatic.

While jogging on a track wearing a Georgetown University shirt, which he probably didn’t even attend, the mysterious man from the beginning of the episode approaches. He’s sharply dressed, befitting of a confidant of his stature.

“You’ve seen things that weren’t to be seen,” he advises harshly. “Care and discretion are imperative.”

Mulder attempts to argue, but he gets shot down.

“Mr. Mulder, why are those like yourself who believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life on this earth not dissuaded by all the evidence to the contrary?
“Because… all the evidence to the contrary is not entirely dissuasive.”

The Man of Mystery lets that breathe for a minute.

“Precisely.”

And Mulder is informed that “they” have been here on Earth for a long, long time.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 2 - Deep Throat

DEEP THROAT. IN THE FLESH. OR, DOWN THE THROAT, AS THE CASE MAY BE.

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 3 — “Squeeze”
Mulder listens to “Tempted” by Squeeze on a loop while Scully whittles a knife so she can stab him in heart.


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Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “Zodiac (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #1 – “Zodiac (Part 1)”!

First regular Avengers, then New Avengers, and now a story where the Avengers assemble? How is that different? Have what I’ve seen already been examples of the Avengers only half-heartedly assembling? And how many different Avengers titles does one really need?

GREAT QUESTIONS! I’ll barely answer exactly one of them! Marvel NOW! has, by my count, 18 different general Avengers series, including ones (like this one) that started a bit earlier than the official Marvel NOW! relaunch. I’m not even taking into consideration the countless Avengers team member spinoffs. And that’s just Marvel NOW! There’s also an entire 60 previous years of this bullshit! As for how many different Avengers titles does one really need: zero.

That being said, I have no real introduction for Marvel NOW!’s Avengers Assemble other than it’s yet another road on my futile journey into oblivion. And I’m happy to take it!

Oh yeah, and my buddy Brian Michael Bendis wrote the first story arc before the series was taken over by Kelly Sue DeConnick, and this was a complete coincidence on my part. I didn’t seek him out on purpose, I guess he just happens to be prolific.

So, onward.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [May, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 1)”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Let’s take a gander at exactly who we’ll expect to be attending this assembly of Avengers. Iron Man, Thor, Hawkeye, Black Widow, Hulk, and that buttfucker Captain America. Quite an unimaginative, trite combination there, Brain Michael Bendis. If that IS your real name.

“And there came a day, a day unlike any other, when Earth’s mightiest heroes found themselves united against a common threat! On that day, the Avengers were born, to fight the foes no single superhero could withstand!”

BOOOORRING! Boring! Show me Hawkeye eating potato chips in his underwear while cracking up at Tim Allen’s anti-woke Last Man Standing reruns. Now that’s entertainment.

“I am cancer,” says a bald man in the dark. Maybe bald from cancer. I don’t know who this is, but he looks like and is dressed like a white Tibetan Buddhist. “The reason the great Cosa Nostra was successful for many decades was because they lived by a code of honor.”

BOOOOOOOOORRRRRIINNNG! Why is this guy talking to me in the dark just like Reed Richards did at the beginning of New Avengers? Do I look like I want to be talked at by men?

This code of honor was a strong code of honor. Real robust. He blah blah blah blah blahs about dreams and ambitions, That everyone has the same dreams and ambitions and no one in the history of mankind has achieved these dreams and ambitions alone.

“I’m offering you simplicity: if one of us succeeds, we all succeed. If one of us is in trouble, we all come to the rescue. We all pay in and we all cash out. And I’ll start the pay in with… POWER. A secret source of power that we will all benefit from.”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #1

Now who wants to be Sagittarius? Virgo? …no, you don’t get to be Cancer. I’M Cancer! No one is crabbier than I am!

“We will be the ZODIAC,” he declares to a room full of eleven other ugly, grim-looking bad guys! Well, two of them are bad gals. Women represent only 16.67%. Let’s work on that next time.

Mr. Scarface, a real looker, asks Cancer where the fuck this big, great, secret source of power will be coming from.

Something to do with the Avengers, I suspect! Fireworks are going off around a tall building with STARK on the side. Like TRUMP, only with more Robert Downey Jr. and less Donald Downsey Jr. It’s a worldwide celebration in the heat of New York! Like anyone in Brunei gives a shit. “The new Avengers tower is open for business,” announces an unknown, biased narrator.

This guy really blah blah blahs too. He sucks off Tony Stark a little bit, apes the man’s declaration that this tower fortress project was “the thing he was most proud of in his entire career”. Yeah, until a plane flies into it. Nice fortress you got there, it’s 100 stories tall. No match for King Kong or Godzilla.

People from all over the world attended the ceremony, and the Avengers were there to greet everyone and say hello and offer snacks and stuff.

Captain America stands at a dais looking all important in his ruffly blue outfit. “We are a planet of the free, a people of freedom…! And if you choose to stand in the way of that freedom, you will hear this words: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!”

Yeah, tell that to Syria. I don’t see you helping them out. “Planet of the free” my rump!

Later, the Avengers assemble, so to speak, in a meeting room watching the ceremonial footage. “Why don’t any of you stop me when I get like that in front of the press?” Steve Rogers moans, watching his dumb smiling face on the screen with embarrassment. Everyone is like “because we luuuurrrvvv you, sir!”

Tony Stark offers all of them the liberty to crash at his new pad…”but, please, really, I’m begging you, don’t knock over the building anymore.” Ha! So a plane flew into the old Avengers building! I understand now.

Stark suggests fighting bad guys somewhere other than New York City sometime. Even just once. They might like it!

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #1

Hulk conscientious objector! Hulk has two toes on each foot! Hulk has swastika tattoos on thighs!

Speaking of somewhere other than New York City, the “Incredible” Hulk sits solemnly on the precipice of a bluff overlooking a desert of the western United States, probably. Military dudes in jeeps roll up to where he’s sitting, very conspicuously green within a backdrop of red, orange, and brown. Hulk not happy! Hulk mad!

You think the army cares? No, son, the army only cares about the army.

The giant FABOOOOMMM of an explosion rocks the convoy of army vehicles. The vehicles fly everywhere. The military men who don’t fly everywhere are surprised to see the Hulk and blame him immediately for the explosion. The Hulk is confused, like always.

A very large, swirling, watery blue entity arises from the epicenter of the explosion. “Wow, the Incredible Hulk,” it says, calmly surprised, “I somehow always thought you were a myth.”

Hulk’s like “BAHRBAL BRRBABRRLLRLRLRL” and lunges at the creature. Hulk passes right through its watery waterness. How humiliating for both of them! Hulk lands with a FUMP in front of another military vehicle. “THEY’RE COMING RIGHT FOR US!” an army dipshit basically says. Interpreting this FUMP as a direct offensive attack, army dudes start shooting a million bullets into the general vicinity of, I don’t know, something!

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #1

The only way to stop bad guys with guns is a good guy who can absorb the bullets.

Mr. Water Man is like “wow! cool! wow!” as Hulk gets riddled with bullets. Next, Waterman becomes a tsunami of torrential, raging H2O, engulfs Your Hulkiness, washes away military men and their miltary jeeps, and– …oh wait, someone launches a tank shell right at Hulk’s chest and sends him (and Watery Walter) flying.

There is just a veritable abundance of panels covering the military attacking these two and, conversely, these two attacking the military. I can barely tell what’s going on. I don’t know who’s winning. It doesn’t even look like it matters much.

“Well, this was an eye-opener. I’ll tell you that,” says Watergate. About what, I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW! I don’t know.

I. Don’t. Know.

*gets slimed*

This is the part where Mr. Hulk gets mad as a hatter, I tell you what.

“It’s gone! The package is gone!” yells Army Douchebag #3, “I told you people to guard it with your life!”

They think Hulk stole the “package”. Hulk, again, is hella confused. As always.

“You don’t even know what it is! You couldn’t know!” screams the Army Man. Hulk doesn’t know what the fuck this idiot is yelling about. Now they think Hulk’s watery friend took the package! “Not Hulk’s friend,” Hulk insists while Army “General Whedon” Douchebag #3 radios in for backup, which sounds like he wants someone to drop a nuclear bomb on their heads.

Hulk notices an object on the ground. It looks like this:

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #1

It looks like this.

It looks like that. He picks it up while the army guys try shooting their guns again. Maybe it’ll work this time! Just keep trying, why not?

There’s a lot of BUDDABUDDABUDDABUDDA TOOM TOOM TOOM going on with respect to Brian Michael Bendis’ attempt to figure out what bullets sound like. At this moment, Hulk hops really high in the air with the thing he picked up, effectively escaping. This is what he should’ve done first, but the guy is dumb as a box of really heavy, dumb bricks when he’s green and shirtless, so I suppose this is the best we can all hope for.

There’s a smoldering piece of strange wreckage on the ground. It looks like a large capsule. Some of the army dudes wonder who the Waterboy was and how he did the things with water. General “Joss” Whedon doesn’t care about that bidness. He wants to get the Avengers on the horn.

Alas, though, some of the Avengers are currently busy not assembling, you might day. Black Widow and Hawkeye are staking out a cabin surrounded by guards. Seven guards! Seven armed guards! Seven guards armed with semi-automatic rifles! *burp* That’s a lot of semi-automatic rifles.

Hawkeye takes a moment to be rude.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #1

Slick as a wet shit, dude.

Heh heh. Anyway, let’s take these dudes out! Hawkeye draws back his bowstring and looses some blunted arrows at three of the SEVEN guards ARMED with SEMI-AUTOMATIC HAMBURGERS. Blunted arrows to the head knocks all three out. I have to keep stressing the point that these arrows are BLUNTED. Nobody dies here, unfortunately.

Hawkeye still hits on Black Widow a little bit while he’s rendering these guards unconscious. It’s revealed that they’re both at this cabin/house to “stop some lunatic from selling God know what to God knows who”, which I find quite enlightening. Black Widow tells him to zip his lip or she’ll tell everyone what his favorite movie was when they attend his funeral. Hawkeye zips the lip.

I’m used to Natasha being Daredevil’s girlfriend, but that whole storyline was just Kevin Smith’s self-insert and we’ll hear no more of it! You can use your imagination there.

The two of them peer through a ground floor window. We don’t see what they see, but they see something “weird” and, apparently, Black Widow finds it unlikely that they can handle it by themselves. Hawkeye wants to, though. He doesn’t want an additional four wheels in his date! Black Widow assembles the Avengers like they’re an IKEA dresser.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the cabin, Army is moving the strange capsule out from the back of a truck. Or into the truck. It’s really hard to tell. This issue is really bad at making anything clear. Our two Avengers punch some more lights out and steal the truck. I have no idea if the capsule is in the truck or not.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #1

See? Who knows.

It gets weirder still. A behemoth, maniacal bull-like creature with thick, sinewy, sexy thighs starts chasing after them. Hawkeye launches some more arrows (super pointy this time!), but they don’t make a difference. The truck is already going 70 miles per hour, but Hawkeye tells Black Widow to drive faster. However, she sees two glowing red star-like objects in the night sky, smiles, and says “We’re good.”

I suppose the two lights in the sky means THOR’S A-COMIN’, but Thor a-comes. Iron Man follows suit, but Thor’s a god damn god (damn!) and hits the beast with his hammer before Iron Man is able to, I don’t know, knock back a bottle of bourbon in front of them?

It gets weirder. Some other weirdos with their own semi-automatic rifles start shooting more fucking bullets into things. Of course, they just shoot them at Iron Man, whose iron manliness stymies the bullets forthwith. These weirdos are Latverians, which is like a combination of Latvians and Bavarians, and Thor doesn’t know who they are? I think I’ve come across a mention of Latveria before. I don’t remember where, though. Who cares.

“What manner of foul creature do we have here?” Thor asks about behemoth-bull-man-perfect-thighs. Thor is not very omniscient for a god.
“Not asgardian?” Iron Man asks.
“I believe it is a creature of magics,” responds Thor. And asgardians aren’t? Man, I don’t know shit.
“I AM TAURUS!” bellows the stinky bull. He then whips these two Avenging fools around like ragdolls. “You stole from me,” Taurus says, clocking Thor in the jaw. Stole what? His virginity?

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #1

HE’S COMING RIGHT FOR US!

Black Widow and Hawkeye stare speechless. Mouths agape. Taurus blasts the everliving fuck out them, tearing the jeep into a million twisted pieces. The capsule was in the truck after all! But now it’s most definitely out of the truck.

“YOU DO NOT STEAL FROM THE ZODIAC!” yells the irate bull.

Final Thoughts

Well, it’s certainly been quite some time since I’ve been absolutely bewildered at the beginning of a story, and this time I can’t even blame ignorance of the characters!

Don’t let me down, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Michael Bendis.


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