“Mulder and Scully investigate the mysterious case of a military test pilot who disappeared after experiencing strange psychotic behavior.“
Yeah, so it actually sounds like the only one who’s going to be doing any deep throating in this episode is Special Agent Fucks Mulder.
“Scully, I’ll be doing all the deep throating today. I promise.”
We begin in southern Idaho near Ellens Air Force Base where a military SWAT team of sorts is trying to break into some poor lady’s nice-looking house while she just stands there and watches them. They bust through the house breaking all sorts of shit, and then eventually find a man in his underwear sitting on the floor against the wall. He’s shivering AND completely covered in burns! An interesting combination.
Sounds like a strange case for Mulder AND Scully, the Team of Dreams. Scully waits for Mulder in a bar. He shows up and makes his presence known to her by sticking his face within four millimeters of her face. Personal bubbles this guy ain’t know nothin’ about.
The almost-naked guy was a military man named Colonel Robert Budahas, who didn’t look like a dignified Colonel to me! He looked like a dork. He’s not at the house anymore. The military will not reveal what had happened to him, and several other pilots had experienced similar weird issues near the same base. Reportedly, they were all flying EXPERIMENTAL PLANES! Budahas’ wife won’t even disclose the information. The Colonel’s disappearance being officially ruled a kidnapping!
While Mulder freshens himself up in the little boy’s room, a man pops in and scares the shit out of him. “Leave this case alone, Agent Mulder,” the man says with a slight underbite and a raspy voice. A fairly deep throaty timbre, if you ask me. And you shouldn’t. The military doesn’t want some nerd hunting for aliens to be involved with this routine kidnapping case! The man will not tell Mulder who he is; he is merely advising him congenially! And he’d better toe the line before Skinner kisses him to death.
Scully scans the really outdated newspaper archives looking for similar cases and stumbles across the letters “UFO” a lot in the headlines. Scully calls Mulder and the phone sounds bugged. There’s a man in an unmarked van right outside Mulder’s apartment looking very conspicuous and menacing, so Mulder tells Scully to shut the hell up and they’ll talk about things later. They’ll talk about things later while they hug and kiss each other. Some day.
“Scully, you’re breaking up. Are you going through a tunnel? Do you remember what I said about me doing all the deep throating?”
BUDAHAS WIFE INTERROGATION TIME! Her testimony is that Robert came back from his mission acting all weird: putting fish food on his steak, shaking like he was having a seizure, pooping his pants in front of the kids and playing with the poop, loving his country like a fucking idiot. And it’s not just her husband; Mrs. Budahas has a buddy whose military husband came back from a mission all cuckoo. We seem him pulling hairs out of his head and trying to tie them around flies. That sounds like a good hobby, and it sounds way more productive than this thing I’m doing right now.
Agent Dana Levelheaded Scully has an explanation for all this that has nothing to do with creepy crawly aliens. Stress! Being a military man is stressful! Case closed. Let’s go to Denny’s and have a Grand Slam breakfast.
Mulder isn’t done yet, though. There’s more investigation to be had here. They meet up with a man named Colonel Kissell, who not only has nothing to say about Budahas, but he is ALSO very mean and uncooperative with them. It’s like he’s hiding something. Fishy stuff. Mulder’s interest is piqued further.
A man named Paul Mossinger, who is also interested in these cases, approaches the FBI Twosome to help investigate. This guy thinks people who believe in aliens and UFOs are complete assholes, so Mulder gets salty and you can tell his half-erection starts drooping immediately. With all this information collected, it’s time to visit the Ellens Air Force Base. Scully thinks this is a waste of time and starts shrieking at Mulder while he climbs hills and searches for UFOs in the sky. By now the 1993 viewing audience has changed the channel to start watching American Gladiators while drinking Crystal Pepsi. And while they are doing that, Mulder shows Scully some weird lights in the sky floating around as if they were terrible special effects! Mulder says they’re aliens. Scully says they’re lasers. Mulder, then, probably thinks they’re alien lasers.
Here comes that part I’ve been waiting for. A 19-year-old Seth Green shows up with his girlfriend while a black helicopter chases the four of these military base trespassers down. He plays a completely burned-out stoner with long, fluffy hair.
How about NO, Scott. Okay?
Later in a restaurant, the agents ask what the two kids doing there in the base. Instead of saying “fucking”, they say they were listening to music and watching the “air show”. They have nothing really of import to say, other than UFO conspiracy stuff that revitalizes Mulder’s erection while Scully shakes her head in exasperation.
Mulder and Scully bid them farewell the next morning and get in their car. “You could’ve showed that kid a picture of a flying hamburger, and he would tell you that’s exactly what he saw,” Scully tells her partner incredulously after he admits he believes every word Seth Green said. Now it’s Mulder’s turn to be incredulous. How can Scully possibly still be skeptical when SHE SAW EVERYTHING HE SAW WITH THEIR OWN TWO EYES! Flying lights, man! Come on!
“Looks like you deep throated one too many conspiracy theories, Mulder.”
Time for more weird happenings. Mrs. Budahas calls Mulder and Scully over, crying, to report that her husband has finally come home. But he’s some sort of pod person now. Sounds like a case of Capgras syndrome, where you think a loved one was replaced with an impostor, but Robert Budahas is able to answer every personal question asked. Questions such as “when were you born” and “how many mailboxes did you break with a bat last night”. And the answer to both is the same: 1948.
When Mulder asks Budahas if a certain flight maneuver is possible, Budahas admits that he can’t remember! He can’t remember simple aircraft information! A Colonel of the Air Force! Mulder now knows that certain memories had been erased from Robert Budahas’ mind by the government, but Scully is chalking it up to selective amnesia.
By now it’s obvious that Mulder knows too much and is asking all the wrong questions. A couple of cars containing well-dressed sunglasses men run Mulder and Scully off the road and demand to see their paperwork. National Security Agents. They give Mulder the ol’ gut-punch and then escort the two of them back to their hotel.
At this point, Mulder admits that his phone was bugged during that earlier call. All these strange government involvements are finally starting to rattle Scully, but something this huge would be a national scandal. Not extraterrestrials or Martians or Zoidbergs. Perhaps it’s just secret government experiments that the two of them simply do not have clearance to know about. Now let’s get the fuck out of Idaho before we lose our jobs and get attacked by potato-throwing Mormons.
Mulder ain’t havin’ it! He leaves Scully in the hotel room and drives away to find the stoned kids. They let him through the gate where they entered the base, but they don’t remember where they were when they were there and stoned. Plus there are landmines, but I don’t think Mulder knows that. It would be funny if he fucking killed himself, but then there wouldn’t be Episode 3.
Maybe if I stand in this field long enough, the aliens will take me to their leader.
He hangs out there for 17 hours waiting for something exciting to happen on the airstrip. And something exciting eventually does happen: a large triangle flies over Mulder while he smiles serenely. And then the military chases him down and 46 guys drag him into their armored car.
COMMERCIAL BREAK! Enjoy some Crystal Pepsi! It ain’t bogus!
Scully is still at the hotel, very suspicious that Mulder’s not home yet. She’s been up all night waiting! She tries a few phones in the hotel, but nothing is working. FISHY. Fish fish fish. Fish everywhere ’round these parts.
Mulder is elsewhere getting wheeled into a strange facility on a gurney. He’d be having fun if he weren’t half-conscious with what looks like a nitrous oxide hook-up. He spots a large hangar with a parked triangle-shaped craft! And Scully’s not even here to see it! Arrghh!
When Scully visits Paul Mossinger to gather some information, she learns that he’s a top-level bad guy government agent type and pulls a gun to his face. She threatens to blow his head off through his butthole unless he gets on his walkie-talkie and finds out where Mulder is! STAT! And Mulder, meanwhile, is having the time of his life getting weird eyedrops splashed into his eyes by men in white coats.
I have incredible point-blank range aim, sir.
Mossinger drives Scully to the base while she keeps the gun trained at his head. Needless to say, Mossinger is a little bit irked. He warns her that she’s being a silly goose, but she doesn’t care. She wants her Mulder back before he forgets his knowledge of simple flight maneuvers!
At the base gates, where Mossinger and Scully are waiting, Mulder stumbles through looking like he’s had about 90 drinks at the dive bar while shooting heroin into his eardrums. Scully drives away with him while he stares vaguely at the road ahead. “Scully, I…” he says to her while she looks like she’s about to hyperventilate, “…how did I get here?”
♪ ♫ ♬ Letting the days go by!… ♫ ♬ ♬
Scully decides that it’s time to go. Aliens aren’t real. She writes up her report to conclude that there has been nothing learned since the beginning of their investigation and that Mulder is a lunatic.
While jogging on a track wearing a Georgetown University shirt, which he probably didn’t even attend, the mysterious man from the beginning of the episode approaches. He’s sharply dressed, befitting of a confidant of his stature.
“You’ve seen things that weren’t to be seen,” he advises harshly. “Care and discretion are imperative.”
Mulder attempts to argue, but he gets shot down.
“Mr. Mulder, why are those like yourself who believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life on this earth not dissuaded by all the evidence to the contrary?
“Because… all the evidence to the contrary is not entirely dissuasive.”
The Man of Mystery lets that breathe for a minute.
“Precisely.”
And Mulder is informed that “they” have been here on Earth for a long, long time.
DEEP THROAT. IN THE FLESH. OR, DOWN THE THROAT, AS THE CASE MAY BE.
Next Time on the X-Files
Season 1, Episode 3 — “Squeeze”
Mulder listens to “Tempted” by Squeeze on a loop while Scully whittles a knife so she can stab him in heart.
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