Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-New X-Men (Vol. 1) Issue #1 – “What Happens Now?”!

And what happens now? What happens now is that I need to read more X-Men. Like, a lot more X-Men. But I want to jump ship on Joss Whedon’s Astonishing X-Men for now and see what the Marvel NOW! era is up to with these freaks.

I was itching to just start with the Chris Claremont era from 1975 (and if you see a link there, that means I must’ve gotten to it!), but I figured I’d need a little more modern storytelling before I slog through some ‘70s drivel.

I don’t think there’s anything remarkable about this Marvel NOW! ongoing series, but it IS written by my boy Brian Michael Bendis! I’m familiar with his work on Ultimate Spider-Man and Alias, so why the fuck not? It can’t be too bad, right? Let’s dive in.

All New X-Men (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [January, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“What Happens Now?”

Cool stuff, I recognize nobody on the cover except boring ol’ Cyclops. I suppose he has to run the show no matter who’s on the X-Men team, right? Fucking narcissist.

I’m treated to a full-page rundown of who the X-Men are and why they’re around and doing the things they do. I’m not going to rewrite it here since it’s about 560,000 words long, but the gist is this: X-Men are mutants, they have powers, people are afraid of them, and the Scarlet Witch depowered 99% of them during a giant Avengers vs. X-Men arc that I won’t read until I’m 75 years old and demented. A cosmic force named Phoenix returned to Earth and Cyclops “saw it as a sign of hope for the future of the mutants”. Like Jesus on a piece of toast. Eventually, Cyclops possessed the Phoenix lol whoops, killed Professor Xavier, and the Avengers and the X-Men had to band together to stop him. Now Cyclops has no friends. And that explains why Xavier is dead in the New Avengers and why they had to extract his Infinity Stone from his butt.

We begin at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning, a veritable boot camp for freaky mutant children where no learning actually ever happens. “I am mutating, and it’s killing me,” speaks Doctor Henry “Hank” “Hill” McCoy McBeast, who is writhing and groaning on the floor in an undignified fashion. He writes the journal of his final days.

This shouldn’t be new to him, having mutated already about a zillion times. This one is different, though. This one is causing anal contusions! And rectal palpitations! Plus he’s getting up there in years, and his heart can’t handle the stress anymore.

No time to kill himself, though! He’s going to ride this one out. Plus, the other X-Men are too busy to help anyone, he doesn’t want to be burdensome to his chums. He prays to a vengeful, mean-spirited God to please let him do something good for mutantdom before he kicks the bucket, and at that moment a white-haired woman without pupils named Ororo tells him over a TV screen to come find her and check something out. Leave your anal contusions at the door.

Cut to Australia, where a couple of sexy sheilas are out on the town. Eva, the sultry short-haired woman, is scoping out a specific bloke for her own carnal interests. His name is David. He has the same haircut as Eva.

David approaches and starts chit-chatting in a manner that suggests he, too, would like to get all up in that shit. Enter shirtless brother at 6 o’clock.

Right Said Steve doesn’t take too kindly to his adult sister organizing an evening of consensual relations! Not on his watch!

“Dude, calm it down all the way, bro,” David says, immediately shutting down Eva’s fallopian tubes.
“You do not touch her!!” Steven yelps, flecking spittle everywhere. “You don’t touch!”

He fucking SOCKS this guy right in the face. David’s friends leap to action, knocking Shirtless Dan to the ground and threaten various hardcore acts of violence including, but not limited to, curb stomping. That’s fun. Eva is horrified. David gets up to join the fray while Eva screeches at everyone to leave her brother alone.

“STOP!!” she bellows one final time, unleashing a sudden burst of fiery blue light that freezes time to a standstill. Her hair is blue now. After freaking out and trying to get the attention of everyone around her, Scott “Cyclops” “Turanga Leela” Summers shows up with his posse, out of nowhere mind you, to tell Eva she’s a mutant. Also, hello.

“Don’t be scared. We’ve all been through this. This first moment. My name is Scott Summers. My mutant name is Cyclops. Have you heard of me?”

Real slick stuff there, Scotty. Of course, everyone has heard of Cyclops. From what we all understand, he’s been a bit of bitch lately. He seems eager to let this woman know that this is an exciting time for new mutants! Join us or die!

Eva’s not a mutant! How dare you utter such slanderous word crimes! Mutants suck and she definitely isn’t one, so go pound sand you nerds.

Emma Frost is like “‘fraid so,” and some other guy, who I think is Magneto, kindly points out that she was witnessing something she didn’t like and unleashed dormant time-stopping powers. Does that sound right, hon?

Yes you did. Now come join the All-New X-Men before we get impatient.

No, it sounds wrong! How and why and who and why aren’t you frozen too then?

Because, they’re mutants. Keep up. Reportedly, this entire city block has been frozen in time for over 20 hours. Police are outside the bubble ready to take you into custody, it’s just…uh, they can’t get in. So they flew to Australia to come help you, and Jesus Christ lady, Australia is far away. The two in-flight movies were Dunston Checks In and Daddy Day Camp! Awful trip. Why couldn’t you have done this in Denver?

You’re lucky they’re here, kiddo. They’re gonna unstick this situation and snatch you out of here so you can “learn” at the school. It’s too bad you made such a, well, PUBLIC display of creepy mutant powers. Mutants are really under fire lately. Sorry that you can never go home again, I guess. Or bone that David guy, who has a tiny penis by the way.

Cyclops wants to make a personal mission out of Eva. He has a lot to atone for, and he’s looking for her to help him. For them to help each other.

POOF. The bubble has burst. The blokes are still fighting. A special tactics unit is all like “GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM, KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE GROUND, STAY STILL AND DON’T MOVE TO THE GROUND, HANDS UP AND AWAY FROM THE GROUND, I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR HANDS, GET TO THE GROUND, STAND UP!!!” and Eva sheepishly cringes and squeaks out an “I didn’t mean it,” while 40 guns are trained at her head.

One of them catches on and understands that this is an act of mutiny. I mean, mutant-y. The others still want to blow her pixie head off.

CRUUNNCH!

Magneto is magnetizing cars and flinging them around like he’s doing a double hammer throw. Scott shoots the guns with melty-eyes. Frost turns into ice and looks icy.

So much for subtlety.

Somehow, a group are sitting in an office at the Jean Grey school of Gray Jeans watching the action unfold in Australia in real time. One lady is wearing tight black spandex and a…thing…on her head. A guy is wearing nothing but khaki cargo shorts, and he looks rocky and pointy. One lady looks like nothing more than a business executive wearing a pink Jackie O dress. That lady is Kitty Pryde.

The rocky guy is named Bobby. I’ll learn his mutant name later, what do you want from me? He can’t believe Scott Summers is hanging around with bad guys like Magneto and Emma Frost doing unsavory things like, as he puts it, contributing to something worse than the mutant apocalyptic nightmare he used to worry about as a youngin’.

Kitty Pryde isn’t surprised. But she thinks Hank McCoy should see what’s going on in Australia. If he isn’t too busy passing a kidney stone on the floor of his lab.

I think that’s goddamned racist!

Meanwhile, in a police station in ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN *farts for eternity*, a young man named Christopher is detained in an interrogation room. Why was he running? Because the police were chasing him! And he’s black, so that’s a recipe for a fucking knee on the neck in the wrong town. “You know who runs from the police? Bad guys,” says Detective Bitchface Ponytail Baggy-Pants.

Christopher doesn’t know what’s going on. His friend fell and hit her head, that’s all. Detective Frowny Grimace says his friend was dead and he touched her and now she’s ok. EXPLAIN! He’s like “uhhh”.

She points a menacing finger at Christopher, tells him that this country has LAWS, that one can’t just go around performing their MUTANT powers lawlessly! And so forth.

The X-Men have had enough of this. They crash and plow through the police station, crumbling walls and setting things on fire and causing some real calamity. The kind that would cause regular people to fear mutants even more than they already do, you would think. Cyclops wraps his arms around Christopher, shielding him from the destruction that they’re all bringing to ACAB Central.

Cyclops looks into the nearby security camera. “If you can hear my voice and you are a mutant… you are not alone. Do not let the humans dictate the course of your life,” he speaks to no one in particular except the single drunk fatass who’s in charge of watching the cameras. “If you are mutant you are part of an elite species that deserves every freedom. Don’t worry, my brother and sister of the atom. We are X-Men and we are standing together.”

Cyclops is actin’ weird. I barely know him though; only from Joss Whedon’s Astonishing X-Men and Joss wrote him as kind of an equivocating pussy. This version, though, he’s all like “MY BROTHER AND SISTER OF THE ATOM RRRAAARRGHHH!” like it means anything!

The other X-Men team, the seemingly more sane team, they think Cyclops is actin’ weird too. Kitty Pryde, the other lady, Bobby, and Beast are on the hunt.

Why does everyone need Wolverine all the time? The guy who drinks beer all day and farts? The guy’s 130 years old. His bones will snap like twigs. His bedtime is 6:30pm.

Ororo is Storm! I didn’t know that, I had to look that shit up because I have to talk about her now. Storm doesn’t want any part of a mission that might spur a mutant civil war. No way. Uh-uh. “Mutant versus mutant over who knows what’s best for the mutants? I’m not doing it, Bobby!!”

Bobby (and I’m starting to think his mutant name is just “Bobby”) wants a mutant civil war! I can see it in his dead Pointy Silver Surfer eyeballs! Kitty Pryde starts wailing that they all have to do something. She starts blubbering and boo-hooing. All sorts of “he is ruining everything we worked for!” And I’d have to agree. This Cyclops mofo is tearing down buildings to save mutants and probably killing 98 billion human children in the process! Per the X-Men Code of Conduct, that falls under Rude.

Oh, Storm knows that Cyclops is being a Rude Mutant. But, just like the loathsome democrats, it’s all about decorum. “A fight like this will end with half the mutants dead and half the world hating us.” It sounds like they have a lot of shit to figure out, like, yesterday.

“If we fight him, we lose. If we don’t fight him, we lose,” says Bobby, weighing his one option. So lose gracefully then! Give it up now, who cares, eat some Doritos and watch Survivor.

I guess if they can’t beat him, then join him. As the old saying goes. It’s like Cyclops already worked out this whole thing in his head before blowing up police officers and saving mutant nerds. OK, let’s start at the beginning! How is Cyclops even finding these kids? Mutant tracking devices? Ugh, this is too hard. Let’s get some Flamin’ Hot Cool Ranch and the Spicy Sweet Chili.

Bobby “Iceman” McDoogle (I had to look up Iceman, I’ve never heard of Iceman) says that he and Beast have known Cyclops forever, and he would never do anything like this! He refused to believe it! Everyone else stares at him silently.

Beast doesn’t look ok. He looks like he’s still shitting blood.

Now Hank, as Captain of the Harvard rowing team, I insist you give the other humans on the team a chance.

Oh yeah, we get to see a flashback of these knuckleheads back when they looked 19 years old! Scott is penning a letter to Jean Grey, something about being afraid to tell her about whatever, it’s very vague. Hank and Bobby storm into the office and start screeching and hollering about a mob of humans trying to kill both of them! Hank is tired of mobs! Boo to mobs! Now he can see where Magneto is coming from. He has the right idea! Destroy all humans!

Cyclops is all like “now, now, dear, let’s calm down.” Hank considers resigning from the X-Men, but Cyclops tries to convince him that all his work is pivotal to their cause. They need him, especially the part of him where he’s not mad at humans but rather kind to them. Hank tells Cyclops he’s going to toss all his work aside. Fuck it! Hank is looking out for one guy *does eenie-meenie-miney-moe* …Hank!

“The human race was fine before we came along and they’ll be fine without us,” Hank declares, storming out of there. Bobby follows. Immediately outside is Beast. A time-traveling Beast? We’ll soon see.

“I apologize, Henry, for interrupting your passionate diatribe. But I need to speak with you and I remember this being a very good time and place for this type of conversation,” says Future Beast with calmness, coolness, and, dare I say, collectedededness. I believe this is going to be that talk. The birds and the bees. I’ll wait outside…

Jean Grey enters the area looking like the spitting image of Famke Janssen! Scott Summers introduces himself and demands a reciprocation. Hanks already knows who it is. “He’s me.”

Chills! Maybe I should stop reading comics in the freezer.

“This is the next evolution of Hank McCoy. Of my mutation. I have come to your future and my present. And I have come here to ask for your help.”

Ooooh, what’s he gonna ask him to do? Kill Cyclops before he grows up and becomes Mutant Hitler??

Put the phone down NOW, Scott. I don’t want to hear that bald bitch poo-poo my brilliant plans.

Don’t call Professor Xavier, you fucking snitch! He’ll wipe our memories with that Men in Black neuralyzer! Is that what you want? No memories of anything??

The kids start listening to the blue guy. What’s the problem then, sailor? What’s wrong in the future? Is it us? IT’S NOT YOU! IT’S YOUR KIDS, MARTY! SOMETHING’S GOTTA BE DONE ABOUT YOUR KIDS! But seriously, it’s Scott. Scott’s the problem. Beast is gonna need Young Scott to come talk some sense into Old Scott.

“I need you to stop yourself from committing mutant genocide.”

Scott frowns.

Final Thoughts

Genocide! That sure sounds serious! Let’s go over the Ten stages of genocide really quick to see how far along Scott is at this moment:

1. Classification – People are divided into “them and us”. YES!
2. Symbolization – When combined with hatred, symbols may be forced upon unwilling members of pariah groups… NOPE! No symbols yet.

Scott’s isn’t even on Level 2 of the Genocide game. Don’t even worry about it right now. How about those Doritos??