Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #3 – “Better Than Batman (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Nightwing and Raptor slowly become good butt buddies and now Nightwing wants to work for the Parliament of Owls a little bit instead of against them for some reason. Probably because Raptor is very dashing and persuasive.

So expect another issue of Nightwing slipping further into the dark side, only to come back up for air by Issue #4. See? You don’t need to read this shit, I’ve got it all taken care of for you.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #3 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Better Than Batman (Part 3)”

Get a good look at the cover, boys and girls. Don’t you want to just take a bite out of that delicious taint?

The issue sets up some intrigue right away! A corpse lies bloodied on the floor. Raptor’s spiky-fingered gauntlet is slick with blood. Batgirl and Nightwing look on in horror. An innocent man has died!

Anyway, what led up to this hilarious moment? Well, Nightwing and Raptor are traipsing around Norway. Raptor has the good sense to wear an actual coat while Nightwing wears his spandex. He makes a face like “Fuck you, cold. You’re my bitch.”

“That’s the place, Nightwing,” Raptor says, showing him a twisty turny manor. “Ruud er Galehuset. ‘Ruud’s Madhouse’.”

“The home of Knute Ruud, the world’s most acclaimed designer of mazes,” Nightwing says happily. You’ve now lost me. Let’s go back to killing innocent men.

Here’s the story with ol Knutso. He got his fortune told by a tarot reader once. It was foretold that an assassin would come to his house and kill him, so he made a labyrinth of a house. And now it’s time for Nightwing and Raptor to infiltrate and hopefully find this guy in two minutes. And then the kitchen to get some lunchmeat out of the fridge.

Is Nightwing ready? Pah! “While other teenagers were doing their paper routes, I was navigating the secret lairs of jokers, pranksters, puzzlers, and riddlers!” he says haughtily. I’m about to give this nerd a wedgie when someone jumps out from the darkness!

Raptor, with lightning speed, punches in the direction of the assailant, but the assailant is ready! Raptor’s arm is grabbed, and he’s flipped over onto his face. The assailant calls him a jerk. It’s Batgirl. Batgirl is prowling around Norway now.

Raptor takes this in stride. “Hey, don’t any of you Bat-kids stay in Gotham anymore?” he says with the laugh-track blaring. Batgirl doesn’t know who this asshole is, so Nightwing asks for a minute so he can catch his GIRLFRIEND up on the news.

I’m fine, and you will treat my dominatrix with some respect.

“I had to leave Japan and track you by my phone because you stood me up, Dick,” says Batgirl. I love that Nightwing’s name is Dick. It makes conversations more hostile. “You never called me back. I was worried you were dead…”

He’s dead, all right. Dead tired of getting stalked by Batgirls. But we’re not done here, yet, Dicky. You stood up ol’ Babs because of Raptor? Oh wait, this is some Parliament of Owls shit? Never mind, that’s some serious business. I’ll go back to Japan now. *swings on rope*

Batgirl doesn’t understand what she’s hearing, though. Raptor is a Bad Dude and Nightwing is helping the Parliament of Owls with him? Have you lost your dadgum mind?

“The owls, Dick? Don’t you remember what they did to us – to our family, back in Gotham? You of all people should know what they’re capable of.”

“I do know. Too well.” Nightwing grimaces like he’s pushing out a pointy turd. “That’s why this is so important. And I’m so close, Babs.”

He gets right up to her ear. Really close. And whispers very sexually harassing things. Also, he’s going to steal a blueprint of Owl HQ from Knute Ruud. The Owls want it destroyed, but he’s going to go to FedEx Office and make 1,000,000 copies. “They’re hiding something at their base, in Crete. Something that can put their evil, rich asses in a prison cell. And it’ll be their ‘chosen one’ to throw away the key.” Nightwing grips into a fist of determination!

Batgirl looks worried. Then she palms Nightwing’s titties and tells him to be careful. Nightwing assures Batgirl that he can trust Raptor even though he has the opposite moral code of Batman. Raptor starts getting impatient with this yap yap yapping and tells Nightwing to hoof it.

There’s no way Batgirl is leaving Nightwing to get his anus skewered, so she’s tagging along too. And a few minutes later, they’re in the house. The wall closes behind them, trapping them in. Batgirl steps on a tile and almost falls through the floor. It’s like a fun video game, except with less extra lives and more shish-kebab’d buttholes.

Raptor, you look for the Triforce. Batgirl, you look for Princess Peach. Nightwing, you can fight Dr. Robotnik. Annnnnd, break!

As the trio weaves through rooms and avoids obstacles, Nightwing talks about being in the circus again and how he didn’t have any entertainment except one book he read over and over again: The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood. When he wasn’t hollowing it out to store his weed, Nightwing read it over and over. He really connected with the character. And when he met Batman, it was like, whoa, man. Vigilantism. Far out. And when Nightwing asked why they don’t fight poverty instead of crime, Barbara Gordon pointed out that stealing from the rich and giving to the poor would make you a criminal.

Really makes you think, huh? (no)

50 rooms later, they face a giant slide puzzle where they have to recreate Ruud’s tarot reading. Being from the circus, Nightwing knows right away how tarot works and puts the puzzle together in like 15 seconds. Then the lights turn off. Then Nightwing gets shoved and the lights turn back on. Raptor has disappeared into the next room.

Batgirl has a nagging feeling that Raptor wants to fulfill the whole “assassin” part of the tarot reading. Nightwing is like “NO!” and now they have another mission to stop this jerk. Batgirl does a lot of “told ya so”s while Nightwing makes more constipated faces.

Suddenly, the constipation turns into a torrent of diarrhea.

I didn’t bring any fresh underwear!

Raptor has killed an innocent man! We’re right back where we started, and I feel that this is anticlimactic as hell! Why couldn’t the innocent man be Batman or Commissioner Gordon?? Can I get an lol for that idea?

Nightwing gets so mad that he leaps at Raptor and punches half the blood out of his face. Meanwhile, Mr. Main Owl Man in Crete, who apparently has security cameras set up in Ruud’s house, watches the fight on the big screen. “How delicious. Batgirl was there to witness Nightwing’s fall. His precious Bat-family will abandon him for his moral failing. And they will believe his judgment is compromised should he try to reveal the threat to the Robin child.

The brothers and sisters of the Parliament of Owls are satisfied with this outcome! Huzzah!

Through the special teleconference screen that the Owls have apparently set up in Ruud’s house, the Owls thank Raptor for completing his mission. Then Nightwing slams Raptor’s face into the screen, destroying it and all contact by the Owls.

“That’s enough,” Raptor says. Suddenly, the “dead” man starts talking in his nasally fucking nerd voice that he obviously has based on the way he looks. “Was I good? I tried hard not to breathe.”

The blood came from a secret stash in Raptor’s gauntlet. It was all a setup! The not-quite-so-villainous man helps the little dork up off the floor. “So, Knute, here’s the deal, you Norwegian loon. The Parliament of Owls thinks you’re dead. We saved your life. So how about you thank us with a copy of that blueprint?”

Later, Batgirl is furious. Nightwing compromised his morals and resorted to playing sick pranks and stealing instead of just inspiring fear in his enemies’ hearts! Bug off, sir. Don’t contact Batgirl again until you get your fat head on straight.

Trapeze metaphors! Really hitting him where it hurts!

Batgirl rides away, and Nightwing is left with his thoughts and Raptor admiring the blueprint. Why didn’t Raptor tell the lad that he, too, wanted to help dismantle the Parliament? “Because trust earned by action is always better than words,” Raptor says sagely. Sounds like the opposite of Batman, who would just be like “YAMMER YAMMER BLAH BLAH BLAH”.

“I told you when you we met, everything Batman taught you was wrong. Because he told you to go against your instincts. To change who you are. Now you’re finding out who you are… beneath all those layers of Batman.”

Nightwing doesn’t argue. He hops into Raptor’s flying drone-like craft and they make a quick stop near Istanbul at Casa de Raptor.

“What’s inside that labyrinth is what we need. And what I have is what the Owls fear. See, a hundred years ago, Gotham’s Court of Owls needed a way to keep track of who gave what to their coffer. Their ‘brand’ is the idea that ‘affluence equals influence,’ and that needed to be upheld across the board. So they hired a mad inventor to make the Book of Wisdom. Untraceable. Unreadable but to a select few. In the age of hackers and cybercrime divisions, it’s a tradition the Parliament has upheld.”

Raptor invites Nightwing into what looks like his fuckin’ garage. There’s a man in a cage against one of the walls.

“The Parliament is what ails us. Dr. Leviticus is the cure.”

Final Thoughts

Remember Dr. Leviticus? I barely do! He’s who the graverobbers at the beginning of Issue #1 were trying to find of some reason! Well, Raptor has him and now he’s everyone’s sex slave. Have fun, Nightwing. We’ll see you in the morning!

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Better Than Batman (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Dick Grayson gets “recruited” by the Parliament of Owls to pair up with a badass “better than Batman” dude who fancies himself as the Raptor. Why? Because the Parliament is tired of Nightwing going rogue and he needs a nice mentor who will take him out for ice cream and teach him how to not be a Naughty Boy.

Nightwing is obviously defiant, but after getting his ass very much kicked by Raptor, I’m guessing the lad will have no choice now but to get a giant scoop of delicious Rocky Road. Oh wait, he’s in Russia. Maybe a giant scoop of… Borscht Berry.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Better Than Batman (Part 2)”

Loving that cover art. “I’M BETTER THAN BATMAN! *punch* BETTER THAN BATMAN!! *punch punch maim*

We are in Gotham City, but in the past. In the past, back when Dick Fuckman was Robin and Batman was very much already Batman. They’re at the top of a three-story building, and Batman is holding a guy by the throat off the edge. “Where. Is. The. Child?!” he says pointedly. Not the guy over the edge. Batman said it.

Robin insists that Batman puts the guy down. He doesn’t know where the child is, damnit. Stop torturing the wretched man! And Batman puts the guy down, all right. Down three stories. The dude lands on his back with an “OOF!”, which would kill even the most resilient bouncy balls of men.

“Why?” Robin asks, looking down horrified.

“Because this is a lesson. We can’t trust criminals. Fear is the only thing that makes them tell the truth. Fear is what makes them honest. When it comes to criminals, their fear is more important than your trust.”

WISE WORDS FROM MILLIONAIRE PLAYBOY BRUCE WAYNEMAN. But we’re in Moscow now, and no one cares about fear and trust right now.

Raptor reminds Nightwing that he’s his new partner Raptor. He has to do this because he knocked Nightwing around the head for about 45 minutes. Nightwing has had it! He’s not going to be partners with someone who physically and verbally abuses him! Seacrest out.

“Hey, wait!” Raptor smiles with that scruffy face of his. “I was just trying to relate to you on your level. Isn’t that how it works with the superhero crowd? Fight, then team up?” Nightwing thinks this guy has a point. Batman has gouged out the eyes of every ally he’s ever had. “Go ahead and say your peace so I can get out of here,” Nightwing grumbles.

Raptor’s a thief. An outlaw. A communist. A tender lover. A bald eagle. A card-carrying member of NAMBLA. A tall drink of water.

Raptor relays the Parliament of Owls’ assignment for them. “Ever heard of the Kobra Cult?” he asks. Nightwing has heard of them. The worship an “age of chaos”. The cult has hijacked a ship in the Black Sea, a ship that belongs to the Parliament. Time to rescue the ship and its passengers, boy-o. Grab your parka.

Nightwing mulls over this for a bit and decides, fine, whatever, so be it. “Since you’ve got so much to teach, and everything I learned from Batman is so wrong, what’s the plan?” Here’s the plan: Raptor summons his hovercraft! “First things first, partner. Sidekicks in the back.”

Raptor is really good at making Nightwing his bitch. It’s a fitting position for him, to be sure. Good thing there are over 100 more issues of Nightwing being someone’s bitch coming up!

Meanwhile, in Tokyo, Batgirl looks over the skyline. She and Nightwing are conversing on their high-tech earpiece walkie-talkies. She flew the Gotham coop because Batwoman is handling things and also the weird Gotham twins are also handling things. Plus, she got jealous of Nightwing’s globe-trotting. So she’s kicking some asses in Japan for a bit, just as a vacation treat. Nightwing can dig it.

Batgirl asks if they can meet up for a little bit of missionary style fuckin’. Nightwing thinks that sounds enticing, but he needs to wrap up his mission in Moscow first. OK, how about tomorrow at midnight then? Nightwing is like “midnight is the buttfuckin’ hour”. Then they end communication.

Raptor and Nightwing are swimming around the Black Sea talking ‘bout sharks and the like. Raptor also talks about how he forged an identity independent of some other schmuck. “Big blue bird. It just screams ‘brand extension of Batman’. That’s why the Parliament wants you so bad, right? You’ve got ‘hip new version of an old beloved product’ written all over you.” And Nightwing scowls pretty heavily at this because he knows Raptor is right. Raptor is always right. This is why he’s better than Batman.

Like I said. Wise words. Nightwing should give that guy an appreciative kiss.

Suddenly, without warning, Raptor gets pulled under the water with an “UNGHK!” Nightwing sighs heavily, rolls his damn eyes, and chases after him. Some sort of humanoid sea creature has captured Raptorman and just kind of screams at him underwater menacingly. Nightwing reminds himself that Batman taught him that every life is worth saving, so he guesses he’ll help Raptor. But just this once, then he’s on his own.

“I’ve heard my fighting style described as jazz,” Nightwing thinks douchebaggedly. “Disciplined, not adverse to improvisation. Raptor’s style is sort of like a freestyle rap battle. Aggressive, quick, and surprisingly clever.”

I’m sorry you had to read that. Anyway, Raptor throws the creature across the water and it gets attacked by two sharks. I guess he died, I don’t know. We don’t really get a follow-up on that.

Raptor thanks his trusty gauntlet Suyolak for having shark-attractant at the ready! How’s that for a fucking copout? He’s not much of a planner, so he lets this glove thing plan for him. It’s like Batman’s utitlity belt, but it also has snacks.

“Jump first. There’s plenty of time to figure it out on the way down, I say,” Raptor says. Nightwing finds that advice interesting. Batman definitely never taught him that shit. Batman is all like “plan for days before you open a door”. Nightwing has always thought Batman’s tactics were old hat. That’s why he enjoys “Nightwinging it”. Again, I’m sorry you had to read that.

Anyway, Nightwing and Raptor jump down onto the stolen ship and put the sleeper hold on a couple of Cult goons. Then they take out a couple of other Cult goons. Nightwing is starting to become uneasy for liking this guy a little bit. So he sneaks off alone to do a little bit of reconnaissance while Raptor continues fistin’ goons.

Nightwing finds a trashed infirmary with two morbidly obese women sprawled on medical beds. Nightwing hears music under one of the beds and asks the woman if she’s ok. The woman sits up with zombie eyes and says the following in a menacing yellow speech balloon: “She is born. She gives the gift of venom. Only the daughters of Kobra are worthy of the coming age. I can give them all such beautiful children.”

Yeah yeah yeah, we’ve all heard that one before, lady.

Then a creepy waif bursts out of her fat stomach, stunning Nighwing. Raptor finds him, pushes him out of the way, and incapacitates the weird demon ladies.

“You want to know what the Parliament had that Kobra wanted?” Raptor scolds him. “So bad that you had to run off alone? Is that what the Bat taught you? I guess that’s why there’s a new Robin every other month.”

I’ve decided I really like this Raptor guy! Nightwing needs to be taken down a few pegs, the insufferable child.

Nightwing discovers a scalpel stuck in Raptor’s side. Or a nail file. Or a turducken. Raptor pulls it out like it’s nothing and we all move on.

“Kobra’s genetic research division is always looking for raw biological material. They prefer forgotten people. Those whom no one will notice when they go missing. The unfortunate. The lost.” Raptor looks like he’s about to cry about such poignancy. Then they head down into the lower deck and find a bunch of emaciated motherfuckers hunched. Real down in the dumps sad-sacks here. Time to help these wretches, I guess.

“What would the Parliament want with them?” Nightwing asks. The Parliament is creating a new nation off the coast of Greece, you see. It’ll be like international waters where everything is legal, including cockfighting and bloodletting. “It’ll be a stronghold for the elite,” Raptor says for some reason. “And this people will build its walls,” he continues while Nightwing looks positively shocked. Like he’s going to cry like a baby right then and there. Just really start wailing and moaning.

First off, hand in your NAMBLA card…

The duo returns to Parliament HQ to brief the masked Owl Man. “My brother and sister owls are expressing satisfaction with your service,” he explains. It’s like, of course they are, Your Majesty. Nightwing and Raptor are tops! “Here is your next mission,” he continues, handing over a file. “We expect great things from the two of you. Great things.”

Nightwing feels like this is a good time to part ways. “Nightwing. Stop,” Raptor says as they leap daintily between buildings. “Go to hell, Raptor. We’re done,” Nightwing responds.

Then Raptor fwips a grappling line to Nightwing’s foot midair. “I don’t think we are.” Then Nightwing lands flat on his face on the concrete, killing him instantly. “I know what you want, Nightwing. You want the Owls destroyed. Brought to justice. You played the long game. Waiting for the perfect moment. You took jobs that kept you in the light. You didn’t fall into darkness. But you had to work with me. A guy who has got one foot in the dark.”

“Shut up,” is all Nightwing can say, because he has a way with words unlike anyone I’ve ever seen before. He revs up a mighty punch! “Don’t you ever stop talking?”

Raptor stops the punch with ease and grace. He knows everything on Nightwing’s mind. He knows he considered scrubbing the whole mission. Maybe kicking Raptor over the side of the ship. Then he thought about how many more ships there would be. How many more captives would need to be saved. Daunting! Fuck that noise, right?! Nightwing cracks him across the face and tells him to shut up again. Raptor definitely does not shut up.

“I have something, Nightwing. Something the Parliament fears more than anything. A way to bring them out of the dark and into the light.” But before that, there will be hard choices ahead, Nightwing. Do you stay or do you go now?

Remember that Batman guy that you trust so much? Well, Raptor says you can trust him too. “I won’t let you fall too far into the dark. I’ll catch you. Now you can stand there, afraid to leap, or you can come on the next mission.”

Well, all this talk his distracted Nightwing so much that he forgot he had a midnight date with Barbara Gordon.

I brought a basket with a plate and a dildo, a tray full of pills, and a wonton candle.

You got stood up, Babs.

Because Nightwing is going with his new best friend to the next adventure!

Final Thoughts

All things aside, I kind of like this Nightwing story. Way, way, waaaayy better than that New 52 story about the circus and whatnot.

Nightwing and Raptor are going to fuck by the end of Issue #4, guaranteed.