The Death Knight’s Squire, Chapter 7 – Uneventful Walking

Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.

Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.

Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, encountered a mean man in the woods and then discovered a big, fat hole in the ground. The hole led to an long-unused mine that is now a thieves’ den. Instead of running away like a smart boy (because I would if I stumbled upon a goddamn thieves’ den), Milhouse investigates and explores like a dumb-dumb.

A cozy little place to slit some throats!

The cavernous abandoned mine appears to be empty of thieves, squatters, rogues, princesses, and smelly dwarves. Milhouse finds a recess in the wall with a locked chest, a pile of scrolls and books, and a pile of jewelry, trinkets, baubles, knick-knacks, and paddy-whacks. Simultaneously nervous about getting caught and excited about the prospect of scooping up a ton of treasure, Milhouse decides that an extra few minutes here in the mine wouldn’t hurt. The wizard in him is really attracted to the pile of scrolls and books, and he chooses first to thumb through them. There is a possibility that he might find something useful related to either his Death Knight quest or his Blood Knight quest! A lot of knights and a lot of quests; things are getting fun all over the place.

One book is hollowed out. The wizard in Milhouse is livid that someone desecrated a book like this, but the sneaky looter in him is pleased to find three pieces of jade, two large pearls, and a blue spinel. Milhouse, knowing that these rare gems could buy him a couple of Xbox Series X’s, shiftily looks around and pockets him to the best of his clandestine abilities.

-Milhouse gains 1000gp: the three jade pieces and two pearls are worth 100gp each, the spinel is worth a whopping 500gp.

Milhouse is ready to start pushing his luck a little bit and decides to try looting the lock chest. First, of course, he needs to check the chest for traps. A spoon could catapult hot acid into his eyeballs if he tries so much as licking the lock with his tongue. Better play it safe.

-Checking traps requires a perception roll (DC 17). 18 + 0 = 18, so I lucked out. I didn’t cheat, I swear to god man. What do you take me for?

Yep… it’s a treasure chest all right…

After poking and prodding the chest with a pointy stick, Milhouse notices a trigger switch in the lock mechanism that could possibly launch a poison dart right at his jugular vein. Further inspection reveals that the trigger switch is so intricate that it would be impossible to disarm without being some sort of world class Robin Hood-type thief. And even if Milhouse had thieves’ tools, he wouldn’t be able to use them without accidentally stabbing himself in the dick. Despondent, he quits while he’s ahead and makes his way out of the mine and back to the surface.

…at least he tries to make his way out of the mine. After rounding a corner of the cavern, Milhouse hears voices. And not just the ones in his head, real voices! He spots a pile of boulders off to the wall in the corner of the area and dives behind them just as he sees a pair of legs start descending the hole.

Stealth check time (DC 14). 16 + 3 = 19. I’m not cheating, damnit. I mean it.

Milhouse is well out of sight of whomever is approaching.

“…at the end of next week. How long did you say the journey was, Bradigan?”
“That’s right, I forget you’ve never been to Neverwinter before, country boy! Well, about two weeks, but if we find horses we could cut that by half, and then…”

The voices fade in and out as at least two individuals traipse through the mine. Once they fade out completely, Milhouse runs like a motherfucker out of dodge. As he reaches the surface, he hears cursin’ and cussin’ below. These thieves had obviously discovered the missing gems, but Milhouse is safely back up through the hole before anyone is the wiser. After a quick check of the sun above, he chooses to head south.

-After approaching a green dot on the map, I need to roll a d100 to see if I avoid danger. 1 -25 = absolutely not. 26 – 51 = maybe. 51+ = yes! I roll an 81.

Yep… it’s a red tree all right…

He hears rustling in the woods, but nothing comes of it. Thank the elven gods, whomever they may be! But before he starts walking again, he sees a weird red tree in the direction of the rustling. Does he dare check out the dang tree?

Yes! It’s a dumb idea, but Milhouse hears the rattling of gems in his pocket and feels lucky as a duck! No incident occurs as he approaches the tree, with its red leaves and red trunk and general aura of redness. Looking up into the branches he sees nothing, but Milhouse is nimble and the tree looks easily climbable.

-Athletics check (DC 9). 16 – 1 = 15. Milhouse flexes his Perfect Muscles.

Soon, he’s at the top. The view of Weathercote Wood is simply breathtaking. Like, you know, WOW man! Actually, in all honesty, there’s nothing to see other than a canopy of trees and some clouds that are shaped like bunnies and hot dogs. Milhouse descends the tree and takes a long look at it. The red aura is strong. Being a wizard, Milhouse does his wizardly duty and checks the tree for magic… There is definitely magic to this tree, but it’s impossible to tell if it’s good and lawful or evil and chaotic! Milhouse snaps off a nice, thick branch from the tree and makes a fashionable walking stick out of it!

-Deduct one spell slot, which means I’m down to two. I add “red tree branch” to my inventory; it can deal 1d4 damage. It sucks, but hey. More weapons!

It is time to rejoin the path and continue on. After about 20 minutes of uneventful walking, Milhouse comes across an enticing pile rocks off to the west side of the path. Not one to leave a pile of rocks uninvestigated, he pokes and prods the pile and sees nothing more than a spider crawling across. Sighing, he continues walking, wishing there was more adventure to be had. Maybe he should have just stayed back and slayed some thieves. Oh well.

WELL, WASN’T THIS ANTICLIMACTIC?? WILL MILHOUSE FIND MORE EXCITEMENT IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT?? TUNE IN!!


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 33: “Within the Weave”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

We’re back to Perrin. He and his company are traveling along a road. Moiraine is on the move, going almost too fast to be caught up consistently. They’re traveling so much every day that Loial can’t believe Perrin is having a hard time sleeping after each long day, but he is. He is, and shut up about it. It’s not like he’s trying to stay up all night, you insensitive Goat Man Thing.

Evidence of Rand is ubiquitous. His dead horse lies on the road. A town completely burned to the ground. The condoms he jerked off into. A town with all the wells run dry. But then some good things, like a town with a dead spring that started flowing again. Or a town where a Mayor found a ton of gold buried underground. Perrin wonders why it’s happening, like there’s chaos in the Pattern. Moiraine reiterates, probably for the thousandth time, that the Pattern is what it is, and that the Pattern is woven out of good (Creator) and evil (Dark One). Perrin is tired of this shit all the same.

The group arrives at Remen, a town that stinks to Perrin as much as Jarra did. A man in a cage is sitting in the middle of the town square, and Perrin thinks he looks familiar. Turns out he’s an Aielman, lookin’ all like Rand sorta with the auburn hair and the gray eyeballs.

The inn is full of well-dressed people. The innkeeper is a fat guy (aren’t they all?) named Furlan greets them and recognizes Loial as an Ogier, much to Loial’s delight. When asked about the man in the cage, Furlan presents an injured man named Lord Orban who, along with a Lord Gann, fought twenty Aielmen with only twelve of their own and killed all but the one in the cage. Lan doesn’t believe them. Orban says “‘fraid so” and further explains that the Whitecloaks are chasing down any Aielmen who escaped alive. But since Whitecloaks are completely useless, they will fail.

Furlan takes them up to their rooms, and Perrin notices a woman in the lobby who has been staring at him. Young, tall, black hair, maybe pretty or maybe ugly! She sounds like she’s dressed like Morticia Addams. Perrin is unnerved.

Perrin sounds like dead weight. Ditch this waste of space, he complains too much.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #59 – “Hollywood (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Hollywood storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #59 – “Hollywood (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, in an incredible bout of bad luck, Spider-Man’s plane lands in Sao Paulo, Brazil. In an incredible bout of good luck, he’s able to escape the Brazilian feds, sneak into the cargo hold of an Atlanta-bound flight, sneak into a crate in the cargo hold of a connecting flight to Newark, and bound his way home before Aunt May could discover her little pants-pissing delinquent nephew being a naughty curfew-breaking piece of shit.

But, ever since Gwen Stacy discovered a Spider-Man costume in an old trunk in the basement she’s been out of blood! So Parker gets a big, fat gun to the face as a Welcome Home from Brazil greeting, and Gwen’s going to splatter his brains all over his Shania Twain posters. Welcome to Queens, bitch.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #59 [July, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hollywood (Part 6)”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #59

Parker is currently standing there garbed as Spider-Man, sans mask, with a loaded gun pointed at his chest. This is it, buckaroo. Pull out every last gambit you might have. Tell her that you didn’t kill her father. Tell her that someone else killed her father! Someone dressed as Spider-Man who definitely wasn’t the actual Spider-Man but, in fact, some jerkass fake mean Spider-Man.

WITH TEARS IN HER EYES, Gwen shakes as she keeps the gun trained on Parker’s emaciated chest.

“Hello? I’m home.” The call of the devil! Aunt May is back from Sex Vacation! Quick as a wink, Parker snatches the gun out of Gwen’s hand and pulls her aside, mouth covered, for a very hushed and very one-sided tête-à-tête. “Listen, listen to me! I didn’t kill your father. I didn’t. I am Spider-Man. Yes. Okay. But I would never in a million years kill anyone. Ever. It’s the opposite of what my whole entire life is about. I’m trying to help people. Not hurt them.”

Gwen gets an earful of excuses and diversion tactics. Grab up that gun, kiddo! Shoot this kid through the eyeball!

“And, listen, the cops told you it was a copycat guy in a Spider-Man outfit. They told you. The guy admitted it!! It was on the news. And I was with you, right next to you, all day the day your dad died!! The entire day.”

He’s starting to make a good point here, but I still think a bullet through the occipital lobe is what the doctor ordered.

“I was with you when you found out, I was there with you.”

Okay, we get it.

Aunt May, with her snazzy gray bowl cut, serenely checks the mail on the table. Parker continues to plead his case, saying that he didn’t tell Gwen because he didn’t want to see her hurt, or Aunt May, or Uncle Arthur, or Cousin Oliver, or any other characters from sitcoms from 50+ years ago. Parker begs for her to believe him, and he begs to keep Aunt May out of this for now.

Parker takes his hand off of Gwen’s face and she just stands there doe-eyed staring at the Spidery-Manned figure before her. Gasping, she runs out of the basement’s outdoor exit, slamming it behind her, drawing the attention of Aunt May.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #59

Oh, the Octopus Man knocked out my tooth while I was masquerading as a superhero! I mean, ouch, dodgeball!

May notices right away that Peter’s cheek has ballooned up to the size of a miniature horse, so he makes up a flimsy story about losing a tooth during gym. She makes Peter an appointment to the butt doctor immediately, and they’ll squeeze in a trip to the dentist if they have time.

While Peter naps, MJ pays him a visit by thoroughly scaring the shit out of him after touching his arm. Scaring him so badly that he falls out of bed and lands on his bad cheek! He lands on a LEGO Eiffel Tower on the floor right on his cheek! Ha ha ha ha, ouch!

MJ said the Doc Ock thing was all over TV. She wanted to make sure her boyfriend was still alive (barely, but only because Gwen didn’t pull the trigger). MJ asks if it was true that he left the country and went to Brazil and fucked girls on the beach. It’s all true! It’s all true!

Let’s check out the TV. They won’t stop yapping about the fight. Here, look: *turns to Fox News where Hannity is taking a giant dump at his desk while turning purple in the face about the southern border crisis*

The news reports that Octavius had been apprehended by S.H.I.E.L.D., which makes Parker smile for the first time in about 20 issues. He learns that the media has been tracking the fight from the Lincoln Tunnel to Sao Paulo, Brazil and back again. He learns that the fight stopped traffic all day, that it halted production on the movie, that the whole fight was likely captured by the camera crew. He sees Avi Arad go “Hell yeah, this Spider-Man thing is aces, and we were all there to witness it, and we’re looking to clear the footage for distribution! Aww yeah, baby! Sam Raimi!” He learns that dressing in drag was the biggest news story of the biggest news story.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #59

And now back to Cheryl with the weather.

Parker asks MJ if she talked to Gwen at school. Well, sir, Gwen wasn’t at school. She was spotted jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge! But seriously, she gone. “She found out my secret and she wigged out,” Parker admits to MJ’s complete surprise. She just about pulls out a gun and shoots him through the eyeball. “You told her??”

WELL, LADY, HE DIDN’T HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE! SHE WAS CRYING AND HOLDING GUNS! Parker still wonders how Gwen made the connection, but it sounds like Gwen decided to check the basement for a Spider-Man suit for no reason yesterday, because… uh… MJ was over and might have gotten really emotional during the live footage. Heh. Uhm.

Parker is about the throttle his girlfriend with a tire iron, but then Gwen suddenly shows up at the basement door. “I was going to find out eventually because, like, I’m not stupid.” She looks like she’s calmed down! Not puffy and cry-y. She ran away, went to the movies, hung out at the library to, you know, read up on all sorts of newspaper articles about her dead daddy. That kind of thing. She feels better now, of course!

“Do you know I didn’t kill your dad?” Parker asks, opening the wound up all over again.

“Yeah,” Gwen responds.

WELL, ISN’T THAT DUCKY?? We can all get along again, then! The only people in this room that knows are present company. That’s *counts on fingers* three total. Gwen agrees to keep her lips sealed. After all, Aunt May took her in as one of her own. She owes the Parker household everything; at least a couple of bucks, honestly. She will do anything to help keep their friendship and protect the identity and safety and yada yada yada. Who wants lunch?

The three of them laugh it all away and, for another five minutes, are teenage kids again. “I wasn’t going to shoot you,” Gwen says a little too unconvincingly for my liking. Parker knew the whole time because his Spidey-Sense wasn’t tingling! That’s a thing, Gwen! You’ll learn about all the things soon enough, of course! What a great new chapter in everyone’s friendship! HAH HAH HAH HAH!!

*threesome commences*

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #59

Hey, yeah, you’re the guy from Pulp Fiction!

Meanwhile, Nick Fury has Doc Ock set up in some super-secret warehouse lab strapped up Hannibal Lecter-style. Fury introduces himself and starts yammering about how he has to do his job, and part of that job is being a dick to the Octopus right now. He calls him murderous, insane, and smelly stinky fatty! “I have had you sedated just enough so that you can’t control your arms mentally… but not so much that you will miss out on what we are about to do.”

Nick Fury initiates the sequence, and Doc Ock utters a meek “No.”

S.H.I.E.L.D. drops the metal arm apparatus in what is giant vat of either lava or spaghetti sauce. The arms writhe and twist while Ock screams and howls like a damn monkey. “OH GOD!! OH GOD, NO!! PLEASE, IT WAS ME!! NOT THEM!! IT WAS ME!! AAAGGHHH!!”

lol

They wheel the demented sack of tentacles and suckers out of the room while the arms melt. “Keep an eye on it for a while,” Nick Fury says to the soldier guarding the vat. “Just in case.”

FOUR MONTHS LATER, it’s the biggest opening in box office history! $176,000,000 on opening weekend alone! $545,000,000 worldwide after only four days! Thank you, live footage of superhero/supervillain battlin’!

And Kong? Well, Kong’s the real hero here! He was in the movie! And he’s getting all the attention at school while Peter Parker frowns at a neighboring cafeteria table. Flocked by pretty girls!

“Yo, Peter. MJ. You guys get to see it yet?” asks Kong.

“No, not yet,” replies MJ while Parker growls.

“I actually don’t have enough money to buy a ticket,” Parker sneers.

“Well, I totally hope you go,” Kong smiles.

“Yeah, I heard it’s awesome,” Parker snarls.

LOL!

Final Thoughts

Looks like Tobey Maguire wins in the end, folks! Look forward to seeing more of his work in The Boss Baby where Kong stars as “Stupid Poop Baby #2”. Until next time!


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Season 9, Episode 4 – “Lisa’s Sax”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 4 - Lisa's Sax

“Lisa’s Sax”

Original Air Date:
October 19, 1997
Directed by:
Dominic Polcino
Written by:
Al Jean

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Homer recounts the story of Bart’s first day of school, which corresponds with the story of how Lisa got her saxophone.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

Fyvush Finkel as himself playing Krusty in a biopic is about as pointless as it gets, but I’ll give it a pass since no one under the age of 85 knows who Fyvush Finkel was.

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

This is a good episode, but something is definitely off about “Lisa’s Sax” that makes it teeter on the brink of the Zombie Simpsons cesspit. It cannot be overlooked that this is the first episode in the show’s history to be written entirely by Al Jean. “Al” as in “Al-ways looking like he’s taking a giant dump, but also unsuccessfully thinking he’s keeping it a devilish secret”. My beef with Jean is that he too out of touch. He has been involved with the show since the beginning, literally. He was the lone showrunner for 20 straight seasons, nosediving the show into the cesspit itself from which it will never return. He’s like a pile of rotting garbage. Clear it out already.

My hatred of Al Jean aside, “Lisa’s Sax” is probably the most perfect amalgam of classic vs. current Simpsons. Flashback episode? Great! Those are always a hit! “The Way We Was”, “I Married Marge”, “Lisa’s First Word”, “And Maggie Makes Three”, these are all fucking great episodes! But what makes “Lisa’s Sax” off is its inclusion of some jokes that are just not very smart. I’m looking at you in particular “For no reason, here’s Apu.” There’s also something fanfiction-y, childish, and “lol random” about Grampa Simpson’s tangent about 19-aught-6, Sarah Bernhardt, and the “Sexy Grampa” dance (before falling asleep on his feet, of course). There is also an instance of over-explaining jokes that will get very prominent as time goes on. The big offenders here are the “Balzac” bit (where instead of letting Homer’s ignorance of the novelist end the joke, Marge continues by going “BUT BALZAC IS THE NAME OF THE…” before getting cut off again) and Lisa reading the new inscription on the sax at the end of the episode. It would have been great to let the viewer read it themself, but noooooooo. Lisa has to read it for us. Pretty soon Lisa will read everything for us. Oh, and don’t get me started on Homer and Marge doing the All in the Family bit TWICE. Once was bad enough.

80% of “Lisa’s Sax” is very in-tune with the classic era, though, so don’t let me bitch too much. Bart’s traumatic early-school experience is gold, as is Homer stealing the Flanders air-conditioner, as is Homer cowering in fear of Bart’s drawing. Lines like “lousy traumatic childhood” and “museums don’t have foosball, do they” remind me why Season 9 is still ok.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 4 - Lisa's Sax

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

While Brockman introduces his piece on the heat wave, the graphic shows a dog tugging off his bathing suit, just like in the famous Coppertone Ad (commercial).
Oh Brockman, you so naughty.

The episode was written with a small staff that consisted of Al Jean, Mike Reiss and David M. Stern, among others. According to Reiss, the final episode contained 80-90% of Jean’s original script.
There’s a nonzero chance that everything I hated about it was written in by Jean. When you don’t have Mike Reiss to reign you in you might get stupid, I always say!

The boy who eats worms was conceived by Al Jean. He used to eat worms as a child and he looks similar to him.
Need I say more?

Al Jean conceived the idea for the All in the Family (1971) style opening while waiting to get tickets to the O.J. Simpson murder trial.
That was THREE YEARS BEFORE THIS EPISODE AIRED. Imagine having an idea in your life that was so pivotal that you remember when you came up with it. Fuck the O.J. Simpson trial tickets, the real winner here is the shitty cold open that he thought of while standing in line with board shorts and socks with sandals, probably. What a mook.

FINAL GRADE
B


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Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200 [July, 2010]

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

”It’s Good to Be 200!” – Dan Parent

Congrats, Veronica! You’re 200 years old or something!

Veronica gets meta and talks about how she can’t believe it’s already been 200 issues. So many adventures! So many places visited: Japan, Australia, India, Italy, Canada, Kuwait, North Korea, the jungles of Borneo, and Walmart. “In my 100th issue, I even took a trip out of this world on a space shuttle to the moon!”

Yeesh, that sounds like it sucks. Who would want to go to the moon? There’s no Xbox on the moon. Can’t plug it in anywhere.

“And just when I thought I’d been everywhere… I discovered somewhere I’d never been!” Veronica says, smiling widely. I guess we’re going to hear ALLLL about it now. Does anyone care? It doesn’t sound exciting to me. Not like the thrill of an Xbox.

Veronica can thank Dilton and her cousin Marcy for finding this place. She overheard Marcy on the phone a few weeks ago, something about Dilton’s latest stupid, useless, possibly erotic invention. It could change mankind as we know it! Marcy is dressed like a mom and I bet she would be slobbering all over Dilton’s dick if it weren’t completely socially unacceptable to do in Riverdale.

“I wonder if those two are having a secret romance,” Veronica smiles broadly like it isn’t disgusting. “They’re perfect for each other! Geeks in love!”

Veronica follows Marcy all the way to Dilton’s garage, where he welcomes Marcy with open arms.

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

Right? Makes me sick.

Veronica watches as Marcy and Dilton walk onto a Stargate platform and hold hands while these high-voltage apparatuses start humming and buzzing. Then it whiiirrrrrrrrs. Then there’s a blinding flash of light. And now there are two corpses on the garage floor! Won’t Father be surprised!

“I’d better make sure they’re all right,” Veronica says as she approaches the garage. “Yoo-hoo! Dilton? Marcy? Are you okay?”

They gone, bitch. Veronica thinks that maybe these two dorks are messing with her, but another big flash proves her hella wrong. They come back all sorts of dazed and confused, and not in a Matthew McConaughey way. And they’re extra confused to see Veronica snooping around the place.

“Veronica! What are you doing here?!” Dilton asks.

“Never mind that!” Veronica replies. “Where did you two go?!”

“It’s complicated!” says Dilton.

“Try me!” says Veronica smugly.

“We’d better tell her!” says a nervous Marcy. “She’ll hound us until we divulge our secret project!”

They bound and gag Veronica, stuff her in a bag, and throw her in the river. Bye bye, Veronica. No more Veronica.

“This transporter takes you to a special place!” Dilton says happily, still not getting to the point, really padding out Issue #200 here unnecessarily. It’s a time machine! It can take you to Riverdale, except, like, Past Riverdale (where the dinosaurs roamed with Mr. Weatherbee)! Or Future Riverdale (where the robots roam with Mr. Weatherbee)!

Veronica thinks this lunacy is loony! Too much science fiction from these two, huh? Too much Space Invaders and too much ALF! Well, Marcy and Dilton get peeved at Veronica’s close-mindedness and decide to prove it to her.

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

ZAP! We tricked her! Veronica’s finally dead! YAAYYY!!

They set their watches to five years ago to the day and zap their way through space and time and dimensions and alternate universes and other stuff that the paralyzed wheelchair scientist used to talk about constantly.

They arrive at their pre-Covid destination.

“It’s five years ago!”

“Prove it!”

“Let’s go to Pop’s!”

“Fine! Then we can forget all this time travel silliness!”

Guess what’s not silly? This time travel silliness, because the gang is at Pop’s and they’re all, like, 7 years old. Veronica believes it now! Her eyes have been opened to the possibilities of killing Hitler as a baby, which will be next on their trip after a delicious hamburger!

Veronica sees herself all peppy and loaded with vim and vigor! She looks the same.

“Oh! There’s me! I’m so adorable!” Veronica says. Marcy looks annoyed. “Don’t be so hard on yourself!” she says.

Then there’s trouble a’brewin’!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

It’s Colombian Necktie time for young Betty Cooper.

“STOP! Veronica, you can’t mess with the past! How would you react if a future version of yourself confronted you?”

“I guess that could get messy!”

Yeah. Messy like yo underpants.

Young Archie and Young Veronica get very upset and these snoopy snoopers who are snooping on them from outside. “Are we being spied on?” Young Veronica asks, arms about five different kinds of akimbo. Marcy gets scared like they’re a pack of hyenas. “They’re coming! We’ve got to set our watches!”

A flash later, and Marcy and Veronica are BACK TO THE FUTURE, MARTY! Veronica is more than pleased as punch! What a great invention, Dilton! *noogie*

Later, Mrs. Lodge treats Veronica to an announcement! “We’re thinking of going back to Paris for summer vacation!”

Veronica is bored. “Okay.”

Mrs. Lodge is nonplussed. “You don’t sound very excited–!”

Veronica is frustrated. “It’s just that we’ve been there so many times!”

Mrs. Lodge is patient. “Well, there’s Greece, Ireland…”

Veronica is annoyed. “Been there. Done that.”

Mrs. Lodge is unperturbed. “Well, think it over. Let’s go somewhere we’ve never been!”

Veronica is thoughtful. How about Riverdale before she was born! Cool, idea! Then maybe she can kill Betty Cooper’s parents before they fuck and she can have the boring redheaded kid all to herself! A devious plan, to be sure, but there are very few options here. Yes, yes.

So she schemes upon how to get back to that time machine. She’ll have to roofie Dilton and chloroform Marcy… oh, never mind, they’re conveniently leaving the garage. Perfect! Veronica wants to travel to 1969 when everyone was listening to Abbey Road and enjoying many hip mind-altering substances!

In 1969 she visits Pop’s and finds a nice surprise. Mr. Weatherbee, who looks like the dude from Doonsebury! And Miss Grundy! And boy, was there ever a scandal!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

That’s right, baby! Weatherbee and Grundy could fuck with the best of ‘em!

They call each other Sugarpie and Butterbean, which causes Veronica to chortle. This draws the ire of Weatherbee and Grundy and, well, you know, one thing leads to another, and suddenly Grundy thinks Veronica is out to steal her little Weatherbee!

I like to imagine that Grundy is a E5 Black Belt in Krav Maga and is about to tear Veronica a new b-hole, so Veronica goes “Yikes!” and sets her watch back to the present. But the damage has been done! “I don’t like how you looked at her, Waldo!” she says to a poor, hapless, confused Weatherbee. “I’m breaking up with you!!”

Weatherbee all like “!”

Next, Veronica visits 1975 and, because there’s nothing else to do in Riverdale in any era, goes to Pop’s. She finds Archie’s mom looking all sexy and MILFy sitting in the diner waiting to be courted by a young lover! This is gonna get saucy!

Veronica catches two young dudes walking up the diner. “I’m meeting this girl Mary here,” says the one that looks like a skeezy Errol Flynn. “I think she likes me!”

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

Veronica Lodge: Literal decades of floozyin’.

The curly redhead merely smiles wanly at Mr. Happy over here. Then Veronica walks past them and accidently trips Errol Flynn into a big, muddly puddle! The dude understands. These things happen, sort of, kind of, not really. “I’d better go change,” he says, leaving the curly redheaded Mr. Andrews to go fuck his prospective girlfriend while Mrs. Andrews watches Veronica fondle her real date. That Ronnie is really fucking shit up. I love it. This is time travel done right, by the way. None of that Looper horse hockey.

Back in the present, Archie shows up at Dilton’s to get some THC gummies. But mid-sentence, he disappears in a BLIP!

“Where’d he go?” Marcy panics.

“He just disappeared!” Dilton panics.

“How could that be?” Marcy panics.

“I think I know!” Dilton anti-panics. “One of the watches is missing!”

“You don’t think…”

“Veronica!”

Veronica, indeed. That bitch is tearing holes in the space-time continuum! Marcy is going to track her down with the other watch. She’ll start in 3,400 BC, then she’ll try 1975. Then she’ll give up.

Arms hella folded, Marcy pops into Pop’s pop-shop ready to scold Ms. Rich Bitch for ruining the history of time forever. Veronica’s like “ok lol you caught me, let’s go back,” but Marcy says it’s not that easy. She has to fix something, like her attitude. OR, maybe the fact that Archie disappeared in the present is something worth investigating. I personally don’t think so, but everyone in this comic seems to have a vested interest in Archie’s banal friendship. Don’t ask me why.

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

Welp, nothing we can do about that! Sorry, Archie! Looks like it’s eternal purgatory for you, son!

Veronica has an idea, she’ll turn back the clock 20 minutes to before she knocked that poor sap into the puddle. “Let’s stay back so we don’t interfere!” she says, hiding behind a tree with exaggerated giddyness. The poor sap doesn’t get knocked into a puddle, everyone lives happily ever after, Archie’s parents fuck (really rude fucking, by the way), and then it’s back to Dilton’s to celebrate with a round of Kid Cuisines!

In the present, Archie poofs back into existence except now he has black hair and goth makeup. And a tail. Just kidding! Or am I? He and Veronica hug; she’s glad he exists. It’s really sweet. I’m guessing Betty is dead in a ditch somewhere, which is just a little bit sad.

Dilton, concerned, believes that this time machine is too dangerous in the wrong hands, so he sticks his key in the self-destruct slot, causing an explosion the size of three Little Boys and one Fat Man to destroy Riverdale and its 900 surrounding cities and towns.

The group goes to Pop’s to celebrate an evening of not fucking up history forever, but Veronica has one more thing she has to do before they go…

Using the really-not-destroyed-yet time machine, Veronica travels to the day she was born to wreak more havoc. Accidentally dropping herself down a well, probably!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #200

QUICK! KILL THE NEXT HITLER BEFORE SHE DOES MORE DAMAGE!

After reveling in her parents’ love for her for some reason, probably because there is absolutely no sign of it from either family member these days, Veronica leaves before she can ruin her own life by accidentally sniping her baby self in the head.

Later, Veronica’s mother asks her daughter, again, where she would like to go on vacay. “I’m not sure! In fact… you decide, Mom!” She figures that after visiting 1969 and 1975 and then the year she was born, 1928, she’s had enough adventure in her life. She’s so tickled pink by her fantastical adventures that Hiram Lodge thinks his daughter is angling for some of his hard-earned money again. Pick a man’s pocket will you?? *punch*

Veronica debunks her father’s inklings and she walks away, leaving her parents mildly befuddled. Their child is never one to turn down FREE MONEY for her RAGING COKE HABIT. What the fuck gives?

At school the next day, Veronica calls Weatherbee and Grundy “Sugarpie” and “Butterbean” as she walks out. The two of them look at each other like “BRRRTT!!! WHUUUAAA!!! HONK HONK!!!” and Veronica is quite pleased with herself!

That’s the end. Happy 200 issues, everyone! Here’s to another 10 more, max!

Final Thoughts

I have no final thoughts. Time travel?! Preposterous! Whatever happened, happened, bitches. We deal with Lost rules in this house!


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