Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #12 – “Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, the sudden appearance of Tomar-Tu has opened the possibility that other people Hal Jordan killed on the way to release the Parallax might still be out there in the forbidden Sector 3601 at the edge of the universe. Against the Guardians’ direct orders, Jordan and Guy Gardner make haste to Sector 3601 where they discover a planet inhabited by manhunters.
And yes, Jordan discovers the others in stasis on the planet. BUT, while fighting off manhunters and androids, a huge Robot Superman shows up who apparently helped destroy Coast City! Amazing stuff! I still don’t know what’s going on, but that’s the case for a lot of aspects of my life. Let’s just move on, shall we?
Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue 12 [July, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 3)”
On Oa, in the crypts of the Green Lantern Corps (which is apparently just a burst of psychedelic light designed to melt your retinas), Kilowog and Salaak enlist the help of some little flying imp creatures. One of them says that Tomar-Tu’s crypt was empty, which is not new information to anyone at all anywhere ever. However, if the rumors are true, that means all the other crypts are empty too and everyone that Jordan “killed” on his way to freeing Parallax is still alive somewhere. No one bothered to check earlier?
Salaak doesn’t like Jordan much, as we know. Says the guy is OUT OF CONTROL. The Guardians denied his request to fly over to the manhunter homeworld and he did it anyway! His ring just went off-map in Sector 3600! His and Guy Gardners! These two deserve the spanking of a lifetime. Dishonorable discharges all around is on the menu today!
“Only if the Guardians notice,” says Kilowog.
“Kilowog. It’s my job to make sure they notice,” says Salaak. Looks like Jordan and Gardner are going to be in deep doo-doo soon. Hopefully they don’t actually like spankings…
OK, so what’s going on with Metal Superman? Well, Hal Jordan tells the story of former pilot Hank Henshaw. He and his wife spent years trying to fly to the stars. Once they actually escaped Earth’s atmosphere, and everyone died of radiation exposure. “But somehow Henshaw’s consciousness survived within the computers his body had melted in front of. He needed someone to hate for what had happened. He chose Superman.”
Dumb.
So Henshaw fused his mind with Kryptonian tech and nuked Coast City, all leading to Hal Jordan becoming Parallax. “I tried to execute Henshaw for murdering seven million people. I failed.”
Good job, Hal “Can’t Get Shit Done” Jordan. Now he’s confronting Mecha-Superman again, and Henshaw hates life so much that he’s willing to kill more for funsies.
Some jerk who’s cheating by having four rings?
Jordan/Gardner and Cyborg-Superman duke it out, but Jordan is a squeamish wuss and his muscles had been severed by Henshaw at some point. No idea how or why. I’m just going along with it here. “NO MAN ESCAPES THE MANHUNTERS,” says a rogue manhunter, crashing the party already in progress.
Meanwhile, Super-Superman grabs Jordan by the back of the hair and calls him the newest experiment in their evolution. You see, “organics” don’t have programming that prevent them from doing the wrong thing. “I intend to correct that without willhunters,” says Metallica-Superman. Good Will Hunters, as they say.
Omega-Superman sticks little tubes in Jordan’s head and sends in the nanites that look like Metroids with the intention of controlling the guy’s brain. “NO MAN ESCAPES! ..the manhunters,” says Jordan, wide-eyed. Looks like it worked!
Elsewhere, a man sits at his nice desk thumbing through papers showing faces of the Global Guardians! He watches the news on his wall o’ TVs, which shows Crimson Fox accepting her new role in the Global Guardians and explaining her reasons, including “Green Lantern is a rogue shithead” and “I got a free air-fryer.” The man at his desk – who has a devilish eyepatch, by the way – calls Oliver Queen. Green Arrow! Ugh, I’m tired of that guy and his shitty facial hair.
Yeah, sure, “an honor”. Like a fork in the neck.
Meanwhile, six hundred feet below the Thames River in London, a bunch of alien misfits are enjoying hanging out in their alien misfit mall and food court. One named Flicker is begging for a hitman job where he can hand Hal Jordan’s head over on a silver platter. He is told that the client is willing to pay 10 times what he’s worth, so can it. Plus, a hunter has already accepted the contract. A hunter from Zuun. A Zuun hunter. You feel me?
Flicker thinks Zuun is full of motherfuckers, but he says this at precisely the wrong time. The hunter from Zuun shows up all “rraawwggg”. His name is Hunger Dog and he’s hungry for dogs. Flicker thinks he can take down this mope and still get the job, but he is profusely mistaken. Hunger Dog throws him right through the table.
The hunt begins!
While nanites are eating his brain, Hal Jordan sees little flashes of his life. Becoming a pilot. Joining the Air Force. Snubbing Carol Ferris. Some lady named Arisa who was killed while he was Parallax’n. Too many memories. The nanites! Reprogramming… the… *choke*… brain!
“I forgive you for trying to destroy me,” says Uber-Superman. “If you hadn’t attempted to murder me at the edge of the universe, I never would have made contact with the manhunters.”
Nanites – willhunters – flow through Jordan’s veins. They’re trying to alter Jordan’s thoughts! Makin’ him like boys instead of girls, for one thing. Not that it matters, but Carol Ferris will surely be in for a surprise! But no… Jordan perseveres… he overcomes… he slowly balls his hand into a fist… and he punches Wacko-Superman in the face. You know all those guys and gals that Jordan thought he killed, hanging in stasis? He snips the feeding tube of one of them, waking him up. “He opens his eyes for the first time in years to see a fleet of manhunters,” Jordan thinks. “Ke’Haan is awake. He was Kilowog’s second-in-command. He trained rookies too, but without the jokes.”
You’ve angered John Goodman for the last time!
In short, Ke’Haan raised up some of the best Lanterns that money could buy! And now he’s totally fucking up a steaming pile of manhunters. And more nanite-lines get severed, freeing the other Lanterns from their stasis prison! Laira! Chance! Honnu! Graf Toren! General Kreon! Boodikka! Bryant Gumbel! They’re all here, the most ass-kickin’est Lanterns you ever did done see. And instead of being downright pissed off at Hal Jordan for “murdering” them, they snap out of it as if time has never stopped. “For all they know…” Jordan thinks. “our fight’s just begun.”
While the team makes short work of the manhunters, Metallo-Superman activates the highmasters. Now we’re cooking with gas!
Oh wait, they’re pissed at Hal Jordan after all. They call him a traitor, knock him across the room, spit on him, poop on his face, and tear a hole in his favorite shirt. “You’re a disgrace, Jordan!” cries one of them. They beat him up, and he takes his licks. Finally, Graf Toren notices that Jordan isn’t fighting back at all. But why?
Jordan has also realized he isn’t fighting back. He looks quite sad, like some killed his dog in front of him with a heavy sack of dog bones. He knows he betrayed the lot of them. “I left you for dead, floating in space. The manhunters took you. They brought you here. I came to bring you home.”
When Jordan tells them all they’ve been trapped for years, they go “YEARS?!? BLBUBUHUBUHULBHB!!” and ask themselves why they should trust someone as sad-sacky as Hal Jordan? Well, the answer is quite simple! Don’t trust him! But wait! Guy Gardner’s around here somewhere, maybe you can all trust him! Wait, where’d he go? Arrgh.
Then, out of the corner of his eye, Jordan sees someone he didn’t expect: Arisa, hanging on a wall trapped by goop. Another Lantern recognizes Lashorr from Sector 3453, who disappeared years back. Relok Hag, who was presumed dead. OK, new plan. Forget Hal Jordan, that guy will guilt himself into pain and suffering. Now we save these jamokes.
But, as you recall, Mega-Superman has called in the highmasters. And they’re fucking huge. And they’re going to kill everyone and everything in their path. EVEN YOU.
Final Thoughts
I want to see these highmasters squash these lanterns like the fucking bugs they are. Just these little gnats who think they own the galaxy. Little termites and cockroaches. Eradicate ASAP and thanks.
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