Hearts in Atlantis by Stephen King

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.

Hearts in Atlantis

Gather ’round the Bonfire, dipshits. Today I tackle Stephen King’s Hearts in Atlantis, a novel rife with mirth, mayhem, and miraculous mysteries. A coming-of-age tale that will surely have you nostalgic for the Vietnam War era even if you were born in 1987 like I was!

I read Hearts in Atlantis once before during the summer after college ended. That was already over 13 years ago, but man do I remember it making an impact. I devoured that book like it was a giant bowl of delicious ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s, of course. None of that Breyer’s shit. Consisting of two novellas and three short stories spanning the course of 39 years, each story is linked by a girl/young woman named Carol Gerber who impacted each story’s main character in one way or another. Let me just go through each one, why not?

“Low Men in Yellow Coats”
Stephen King knows how to write about prepubescent kids from the ’60s! The story follows main protagonist Bobby Garfield during the summer of 1960, his friends Sully-John and Carol, and Bobby’s strange (and, yes, appropriate, which I can’t stress enough) relationship with his new middle-aged apartment neighbor Ted Brautigan. At the heart of the story the father-son bond that develops between Ted and Bobby over the course of the summer and how it changed Bobby’s life… for the worse, actually, since Ted ended up leaving Bobby’s life forever and indirectly caused Bobby to eventually turn to delinquency and truancy. He didn’t have a present father and his mother sucked ass.

“You call that science fiction? Here, boy, get a load of Chainsaw Vampire Hoochie Mamas vs. the Harlot Aliens from Planet Slut.”
– Ted Brautigan

Apparently, Ted Brautigan has a connection to King’s Dark Tower series, of which I have only read the first book and am thus far completely underwhelmed by. There’s a whole sequence at the end of the story where Ted has a confrontation with these low men in yellow coats and starts talking about Breakers and shit, and it went so far above my head that it slammed into a airplane and crashed into the side of a fucking mountain. Other than that whole bit of complete nonsense, the rest of the story was fantastic. A bit of Americana through the eyes of a child growing up in a simpler time. Bobby’s little-kid romantic relationship with Carol was cute. Sully-John sounded just like a friend I had back in elementary school who just happened to grow up to become a gold medal Olympic athlete instead of, you know, drafted into a war in Vietnam. I hated Bobby’s mother with a passion, which means she was a really well-written character. And Ted was as fine an older gentleman as I ever saw!

This story for me served no other purpose other than to make me nostalgic for childhood. I loved it for that reason. Moving on.

“Hearts in Atlantis”
This was my favorite story. I’m no stranger to heavy procrastination during college. I’ll be the first to tell you that I was spending my Sunday evenings watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia DVDs and playing fuckin’ Halo in the dorms instead of studying for my Monday exams. These kids were obsessing themselves over games of Hearts in the commons rooms for months, which sounds like a situation I would’ve befallen in 1966 while I was supposed to be studying whatever it is people studied in 1966. Phonograph repair?

“GATHER ‘ROUND, FELLAS!! YOU KNOW THE QUEEN OF SPADES?! WE’RE GOING TO TAKE TURNS BUKKAKING HER FACE!!
– Ronnie Malenfant

Vietnam war-related shenanigans is not something I can relate to, since I did not go to college during Vietnam war-related shenanigans. I cannot fathom the pressure of staying deferred from the draft under a scholarship, one that I’m supposed to keep under any circumstances or I’ll end up getting my testicles blown off in Da Nang. I’d get my shit together, though, if keeping my grades would keep me alive. I’m pretty sure I’d really BONE UP on my studies for that.

The romantic tryst between Pete Riley and Carol Gerber was nice, EVEN IF THEY BOTH HAD RELATIONSHIPS BACK HOME. And made the all the more bittersweet by Carol’s decision to leave without first saying goodbye. With respect to Carol’s political activism, I can’t imagine caring enough about any political cause to get involved in protesting, let alone help make bombs for fuck’s sake. I’m all for radical liberal ideas, don’t get me wrong. But Carol was a lunatic.

Why did that crippled kid Stokely Jones keep saying “rip-rip”? Was it some kind of Tourette’s thing? That was stupid! King should’ve left that part out!

“Blind Willie”
My least favorite of the five stories is still pretty good. Willie Sherman helped his friends beat the shit out of Carol Gerber when they were kids and now he thinks he needs to atone for it on a daily basis as an adult. He also goes blind for a few hours a day for what he thinks is karma, so he uses that time to beg on the street! Can’t do anything else while you’re blind, I always say.

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed blind man is King of the No-Eyed Blind Men, and you can take that one to the blind bank.”
– Willie Sherman

I don’t have much to comment upon for this one other than I hope that police officer does follow Willie back to the hotel bathroom and then beat the shit out of him with a baton. That would be justice, idiot. Poetic fucking justice.

“Why We’re in Vietnam”
Nice catching up with Sully-John after he basically got disemboweled during the war. We find out that he was involved in a helicopter crash rescue mission that almost escalated into a massacre of civilians by the soldiers. We find out that he thinks the now-dead (but not really) Carol Gerber, whom he has been keeping up with in the newspapers, is a crazy, radical anti-war cunt. He has a conversation with his old commanding officer, Dieffenbaker, during another veteran’s funeral about how their generation sold out to consumerism, which is absolutely fucking true.

I suppose the objects raining from the sky during Sully-John’s highway heart attack, while a metaphor for his generation’s obsession with material goods, is also supposed to be related to the Dark Tower series again? Again, way over my head. Maybe this Stephen King guy should spend less time jerking himself off over the Dark Tower series and more time just jerking himself off in general.

“Remember when I ruined the life of every man I came across? Good times.”
– Carol Gerber

“Heavenly Shades of Night Are Falling”
A nice end to the book if I’ve ever read one, and I’ve read many endings to many books! We’ve come full circle: Bobby Garfield returns to Harwich, Connecticut after what I assume is 30+ years of gambling, debauchery, sin, and eating no vegetables. He pays his respects to his old buddy Sully-John and noticed how much the town has changed since he was a wee lad. He gets to catch up with the decidedly-not-dead Carol Gerber! She goes by Denise now for what I imagine to be protection reasons. They have a nice little moment.

While I was pretty happy that Carol was still alive and was able to catch up a little bit with Bobby, I can’t help but wonder if it would have been just as powerful if she actually died at a young age. Then you would have Willie Sherman, Sully-John, and Bobby reminiscing about the dead girl/woman who changed their lives in one way or another, and maybe a little bit of Pete Riley sad off-camera about the dead girl that he fucked in college! Thoughts, anyone?!

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

Hearts in Atlantis traces several characters from childhood through college and into adulthood. How does King explore the maturation process?
AH, THE CLASSIC COMING-OF-AGE STORY! King explores the maturation process through the loss of innocence and the disillusionment of LIFE IN GENERAL. Bobby Garfield never really liked his mother, and a great father figure like Ted Brautigan really highlighted her shittiness. The day Willie Sherman and his buddies beat the fuck out of Carol Gerber, and then Bobby carried her all the way to Ted, and then Liz Garfield thought Ted was a child molester… well, sir, that really sent ol’ Bobby over the edge! There are intermittent mentions of Bobby’s delinquent near-future, probably because Ted leaves and Liz sucks. Plus, after avenging Carol’s injury by beating the fuck out of one of the kids who beat the fuck out of her, he moves away and leaves her forever. Speaking of which…

“Listen, man, we can either study our asses off or we can fail out of college playing all that World of Warcraft. Your choice, bro.
– Pete Riley

Pete Riley loves and loses, so to speak. Carol Gerber walks away from him knowing that it’s for both of their own good, which is very mature for a young woman who is going to help make protest bombs in the not too distant future. Plus, after finding himself laughing along with his friends at Stokely Jones, the crippled kid who almost dies in the rain, he learns that people in a group tend to bring the worst out of their individual selves. Speaking of which…

Willie Sherman, having helped beat the fuck out of Carol Gerber, spends his adult life understanding that people in a group tend to bring the worst out of their individual selves. And he intends to repent for his sins. And he does. Writing an apology to Carol 500 times a day in a notebook is a little over the top, though, but what do you expect from a shell-shocked Vietnam War veteran? Speaking of which…

Sully-John gets fucked up in the war and, embittered by the experience anyway, feels that his generation cares more about newfangled salad shooters and HBO instead of what matters. And what matters exactly? I dunno. Love?

That’s all I have to say about that.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I really enjoyed this book. I’ve read about 15 Stephen King books and Hearts in Atlantis has the most coherent theme and the most touching moments. Plus a good ending, which means he was really in rare form! I mean, goddamn. How often are you going to hear that?

I wrote too many words about this book! See you next time when I write approximately 35 words about that piece of shit Moby Dick.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 32: “The First Ship”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

On the docks for less than three seconds and already Mat is like “there’s the ship, that’s the ship, I want that ship”. Mat and Thom speak to the Master of the Docks, who knows Mat’s face from all the Polaroids and tells him No Way, Jose. You ain’t boarding no ship. Thom is like “What does he mean, boy? What’s up with that, boy?” Mat shows the dock guy the letter from the Amyrlin Seat; the guy tells the captain of the ship to hold up, but the captain doesn’t wanna. So Mat and Thom bolt down the pier and leap onto the ship before it sails off.

The captain is not happy and orders the two to be thrown off the ship. Mat presents a gold coin and tells him that’s on official White Tower business. The captain says that, for another gold coin, they can sleep on the deck. Mat wants their own room plus food, and while the captain laughs, Mat rummages through a bunch of gold coins. Thom is bewildered, to say the least, and the captain wonders if Mat’s a high lord in disguise. No high lord here, sir! Just a rich kid, lol. In the end, Mat pays for the captain’s quarters, which Thom is upset about because that means he’ll have to share a bed with Mat (who smells).

The captain is named Mallia, and he thinks that Mat is on a mission for Morgase. Mat denies it, but Mallia is pretty fucking sure. Anyway, the High Lord Samon hates the Aes Sedai and thinks they’ll rule the world with soft, iron fists! Later, Thom says he ain’t heard of no High Lord Samon and he knows every single High Lord this side of the Mississippi.

Mat admits that he’s carrying a letter from Elayne, and Thom doesn’t believe him. They go to bed, but later Mat is awakened by what sounds like footsteps outside of their cabin. Mat grabs his stuff and stays by the door. Two men with knives enter the room, and Mat kills both of them with his quarterstaff. Hearing more footsteps above, he clamors to the top and kills another guy. A fourth guy gets killed by Thom’s thrown knife. Two more men on a boat tied to the ship jump off the side and swim away. Mallia arrives on the deck, and Thom insists that they just saved the ship from brigands! Filthy, naughty brigands! Mallia mutters, walking away, wondering why Andor is hiring assassins…

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Rand plays a flute in front of a campfire, wondering if he’s still losing it. Thinking about all his dreams, all these people showing up to try to kill him. Min, even, and that one really stung. Selene is in his dreams looking quite fetching, offering him the glory that he doesn’t want anyway. He also dreams of Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne being hurt and tortured, which is messed up. Scary stuff.

And Rand just keeps on playing that flute. Keeps on thinking. And no one listens. And no one cares. Least of all me. Bye.


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Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962 – “Path of Doom (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Path of Doom storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962 – “Path of Doom (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, Wonder Woman takes Lois and Jon Kent to the Justice League’s secret outer space hideout where the can watch Superman kick Doomsday’s ass with 200 watts of Dolby sound on a 72” TV.

The robed guy who has been watching the action himself decides to wait until Superman is fighting within an inch of his life to intervene. People dressed in black show up to push Doomsday toward a gateway via powerful energies!

So Doomsday’s going to be sent to another dimension altogether and I’m going to finally be done with this sad-ass storyline. Superman sucks.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962 [October, 2016]
Written by: Dan Jurgens
“Path of Doom (Part 6)”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #961

Lois narrates. Wonder Woman took her and her son to the Watchtower in the middle of dang ol’ space in order to keep an eye on them. Lois knows what’s up: this Watchtower diversion is a diversion! There’s a lot of shit going down on Earth, man. It’s some real heinous business.

Jon Kent, though, the little scoundrel, is like “Ooooooh, wow! Ahhhhhh, eeeeee!” about the Watchtower. Lois grabs Wonder Woman’s attention and shows her the footage of guys in black helping Superman take down the Doomsday guy. “It would be unwise for anyone to presume they can control Doomsday’s power. But if someone were able to harness it…” Wonder Woman ponders. “He’d be the ultimate weapon.”

Meanwhile, the ultimate weapon goes “GHRARR!” while he gets blasted with mysterious energies. All they have to do is push him to the portal gate so they can beam him to the holding facility, where he will assuredly get all the snacks and Internet he could want. Closer… closer… ok, that’s too close… never mind, here we go, into the portal with you!

At the last second, Doomsday shoves a spiky knee right through the ninja dude’s stomach. Whoops, this isn’t working! The others scream as Doomsday pushes himself back out of the portal. Then he stomps heads and crushes skulls and is a general pain in the rumpus. “My forces are proving… insufficient,” says the robed puppet master watching the action on his many screens. He sees Lois on a screen asking Wonder Woman if she’s out of her mind that someone would want to use Doomsday as an ultimate weapon. The robed guy is like… “I’m not out of my mind :[ “

All the robed guy wants to do is determine what Superman is really capable of. That’s it. That’s all. No biggie.

Superman thinks (I know, right) hard (ha) about Phase Two of his plan. Phase One was “get the monster away from the big city” and now Phase Two will be “share a donut”. Superman blasts this guy backward over and over again, pushing him back a mile at a time. Lots of “GUH!” and “RAHHR!” and “BRAGHH!” and “GRUH!” coming from the big, manly rock dude. Then, when he reaches a forest, Superman flies away so abruptly that Jon wonders if his dad is running away.

(Again, where are these magic cameras that are shooting the action? Someone please tell me.)

He’s not running, son. He’s luring. Luring the beast!

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962

Quiet, you.

Wonder Woman hopes that Superman can lure Doomsday single-handedly to wherever it is that he’s luring him to. She basically says nothing, is what I’m saying. Lois wonders if Wonder Woman is the best person to keep an eye on them. Probably because she’s a woman, right Lois? You misogynist.

Once Doomsday catches up with Superman, he grabs the beast and throws him in the other direction as far as he possibly can. “Drop him right where I want him,” Superman says as Doomsday falls into a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

Doomsday hits the side of a mountain on the other side of the world. “Perfect,” Superman thinks. “All I have to do is open the door.”

Ah, it’s his fortress, but not that fortress. Another fortress. As Lois explains it, it’s a different fortress that Clark built with his own hands. Basically, it’s a plot hole fortress.

Kelex is in the fortress waiting for his master to give him orders like “clean my floor.” That, and activate the Doomsday defense protocol. It’s merely three cannons that shoot missiles. The guy in the robe is watching this and finding it an interesting turn of events! He’s also picking his nose and eating his boogers.

Next is a full-load particle beam, which shoots Doomsday with blue-ass light and makes him go “HRK”, which was my least favorite character from The Wire. Then there are more blasts and more explosions that are of no consequence, and Doomsday just gets madder. And Superman gets more buttfrustrated.

“Need more time to get the device ready,” Superman thinks as he headbutts Doomsday at precisely 1,000,000 mph. This sends Doomsday flying into the wall with a WHUDD. “Need just a few… more… seconds…” Superman is whupping this rockface all over the room, and Lois is getting really fucking nervous. “GO! HELP HIM!” she screams at Wonder Woman, who responds with “But I don’t wanna.”

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962

Unless he needs help getting the cum out of his balls, pipsqueak, I ain’t doin’ nothin’.

Lois begs Wonder Woman to help even though the response is a whole bunch of “I gotta keep y’all safe.” Jon finally convinces Wonder Woman with his puppy dog eyes to help his dad. Wonder Woman smiles confidently like “yes, yes, I am Wonder Woman.”

Meanwhile, Doomsday is punching the spleen out of Superman as he grunts and groans. He’s losing the battle, and he won’t be able to do the thing he wanted more time to do, whatever the hell that was. It’s very unclear. “Clark,” chirps a voice from above. “I have this.” Wonder Woman bashes a shield into Doomsday’s neck. It’s very effective! “Whatever plan you have in mind, get busy!”

OK, good! So, Superman is jiggling his joystick trying to stop the Space Invaders from—oh wait, the plan… “Step aside, Diana! I haven’t had a chance to test this, so I’m not sure it’ll work. We might not be able to put this monster down–”

Just fucking do it already, nimrod.

“–but that doesn’t mean we can’t send him where he can’t do any harm.”

Superman shines a giant searchlight on America’s Favorite Enemy. “Enjoy the Phantom Zone, Doomsday!”

Jon leaps for joy thinking that he disintegrated Doomsday, but Lois is a Phantom Zone knowitall and womansplains to her son the implications of such a zone. “Think of it as the most incredible prison in the whole universe,” she says, bringing to mind, like, capitalism. “All right! Go Dad!” Jon jubilates.

Superman and Wonder Woman fist bump. A job done well is a job well done! And so forth.

Meanwhile, Metropolis looks like trash. Upended cars, broken buildings, a bald guy who thinks he’s the next Superman. It’s like Detroit, but with a bald guy. Mortal Clark runs around like a doofus assuring civilians that everything is going to be ok. Or not ok, as the case may be. Mortal Clark is lacking in bedside manner.

Action Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #962

Baba Booey!

Superman shows up and demands a friendly chat with Lex Luthor. “I understand you own the Daily Planet now,” he says as they both overlook the city from the top of the Daily Planet building that Superman understands Lex Luthor owns now. “Indeed,” Lex responds.

Lex asks Superman for proof that he might be a shitty murderer rapist Donald Trump kind of person. Just a swamp turd from the bowels of shit. Superman, having no proof whatsoever, makes a dumb face and everyone moves on.

“Why do you wear his symbol and cape?” Superman asks. Lex says some claptrap about the cape and shield being inspiring to people and, obviously, self-servingly, Lex wants to be associated with that level of inspiration. “Recent events make it clear that this city cannot survive when the two of us are against each other. I suppose that would make us…” The word tastes like acid cum on his tongue. “…allies.”

Superman doesn’t like that either, so he disagrees until further notice. Perhaps some contracts need to be drafted up and notarized first. He flies away while Lex is like “COME BACK THIS INSTANT SO I CAN ASK YOU QUESTIONS AND THEN YELL AT YOU.”

It’s space where Superman is flying, most notably the part of space that has that one space station where Lois and Jon are hanging out safe from Doomsday. “CLARK!” Lois screeches when he hubby shows up looking smelly in his unwashed costume. Time to head home, fam! There’s a big rotisserie chicken with our names on it waiting on the kitchen table! It’s been sitting there for four days!

Doomsday is in the Phantom Zone, which is most assuredly not the same zone that they are currently in, so that’s good news. “Can we go there?” Jon asks stupidly.

The mysterious robed figure agrees that Jon is stupid. He talks to himself about how the Phantom Zone is a great place for Doomsday to hang out and think about what he’s done. “Sound, well-conceived strategy,” the robed man says. “Though ultimately futile… since I have intercepted the projection.”

Doomsday comes out of a portal all “RRAAGHHH!”

“Finally. Doomsday is mine.”

Eek. Oh no.

Final Thoughts

WHO CARES? Who fucking cares? This was such a fucking slog to get through, holy shit. Why does Superman have to be the worst comic book character in existence.

This won’t stop me from reading Superman comics, of course. Because I’m a colossal dingus.


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Getting Fatter Every Day

Pictured: Me.

I’ve gained 40 pounds in three years.

Granted, I was too skinny three years ago, but there’s something about gaining 40 pounds in three years that makes me want to curl up into a fleshy, fatty ball and cower in a corner eating Cheetos until I die. I’d post older and current photos of myself, but I am a vampire that cannot be seen through a camera lens. Even if you could see me through the camera lens, my horribly disfigured, pockmarked, acne-ridden, caved-in, lupus-ruined face would ruin whatever meal you’re eating in front of your computer or phone right now? Spaghetti? If you’re eating Ragu I will kick your uncultured ass so hard it’ll break your teeth.

On paper my weight doesn’t look too bad. I’m 5’9″. At my lowest I weighed 138 with a normal BMI of 20.4, but now I weight 177 with an overweight BMI of 26.1 and eight pounds away from normal. I’m carrying literally all the extra weight in my belly, so I’m muffin-toppin’ worse than your fat mama. I’ve gone from XS button-downs to M, I’ve gone from S t-shirts to L. I literally have a whole closet of clothes that I can’t wear anymore; clothes that I can’t look at without breaking down into a torrent of gravy-laden tears. I’m afraid of going outside lest mean teenagers pelt me with tomatoes and cabbage. I’m afraid of staying inside lest my mean wife and kids pelt me with pots and pans and television remote controls.

Let me tell you about the greatest appetite suppressant on the market today: depression! Ahhhh, good ol’ depression. Depression brought my weight down even when I didn’t want it to! Here was my eating regimen on a normal, depressed day, if I was lucky:

Watch it, kid. Your metabolism is going to betray you in a few decades!

1 Protein Bar (200 calories)
2 Eggs (160 calories)
Chicken Nuggets (200 calories)
Cottage Cheese (110 calories)
Some sort of dinner thing (100 – 500 calories)

Considering that a MAN OF MY STATURE needed roughly 2,200 calories a day to maintain a weight of 150, I was eating half my needed intake or less. For months! Even at 138 pounds I needed 1,800 calories! Ahhh, depression, you sure do work in mysterious ways.

So what can I attribute this sudden reversal of weight loss that turned into accidental uncontrollable weight gain? Here’s a fun combination of things that I may be able blame in order to deflect responsibility and accountability away from my own self!

Cereal Addiction?

I wrote at length about my unfortunate vice, a vice that rivals the vice of all those shiftless lay-abouts under the overpass with their constant itchiness and their wool hats in the summer: Cereal. Holy mother of AI-generated Jesus do I like cereal. I could eat cereal all day, every day. I could eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast, Frosted Mini Wheats for lunch, Peanut Butter Chex for dinner, and Lucky Charms for a late night snack. I could eat a whole box in one sitting, and I have. This is why I know I could. Keep up.

I even like the really shitty cereals. Special K? Delicious. Muselix? Sign me up. Unfrosted mini wheats? … well, let’s not go nuts, here. I’d rather eat an entire wicker statue of Betty White. I’d rather eat tree bark off of a dog’s penis. I’d rather watch anime.

Can I blame cereal entirely for my affliction? Hell no, but it’s a significant contributor. I had to stop buying my own cereal, but I still have the rest of the family to contend with. My kids like Honey Nut Cheerios, which means I’m eating a lot of Honey Nut Cheerios lately. I’m thinking about banning cereal completely from the house and telling the kids that they can subsist on rye bread crumbs from the bottom of the toaster from now on. It’s only fair to me, after all.

Sure, I GUESS that’s enough Cinnamon Toast Crunch…

This Blog?

I’m not going to say that starting this blog saved my life or anything like that. It’s not like I hit rock bottom, sucking dick for cereal on the mean streets of Humboldt Park, Chicago, wasting away to nothing while I subsisted on styrofoam packing peanuts since they were the only sustenance that my fragile, tender stomach could handle. I’m not going to say that. But I’d be telling a half-truth!

I don’t remember anymore what prompted me to buy a domain and some hosting out of nowhere in May 2021, but 43 months later (ALMOST ONE MONTH FOR EACH POUND OF WEIGHT I GAINED SINCE, APPARENTLY) here I am still plugging along on this waste of Internet space. Originally intended to be merely a music blog, it expanded rapidly into comics, movies, TV, books, and other miscellaneous nonsuch here and there. Tom Writes About Stuff was merely a hole in the ground before I spruced it up the way I wanted it, spending long evenings learning PHP and CSS in order to tweak everything to work the way I wanted it. That, in of itself, was the most fun I actually had doing something completely new in quite a long time.

What this blog has done was rekindle my love for my hobbies and discover plenty of brand new ones. Do you think I was some sort of comic book nerd before 2021? Please. How embarrassing for you to even think this.

Bottom line: In April 2021 all I wanted to do was lie down in my bed and listen to post-punk. Now I’m doing all sorts of other stuff while getting fat and listening to post-punk. Thank you, Tom Writes About Stuff!

“I can’t get up and go for a jog around the block when I have so many more Ultimate Spider-Man comics to get through.”

Medication?

Hey, morons, this right here is the obvious culprit. I’d hate to blame it all on medication, but I’ll be fudged if it wasn’t all the medication’s fault. My weight may have started levelling off in 2021, but things really started accelerating once I started a steady regimen of delicious pills back in early 2022. It has been a problem ever since.

Full disclosure since there’s no stigma to this kind of stuff anymore, and no one is reading this blog at all anyway, but my diet of pills includes Viibryd, Lamotrigine, Propranolol, and Vraylar. A cocktail that could kill a horse, but it works to help keep me from watching too many videos of people dying! Ha ha ha! ANYHOO, I’m reluctant to ever get off of any of these pills lest I start cramming myself under the kitchen sink to sob and hide from my family. I’ve brought it up to my psychiatrist many, many times about my distressing weight gain — weight gain that has become a daily preoccupation — and her advice is to either 1) visit a nutritionist, or 2) get over it, because being depressed is worse! Maybe I should find a new psychiatrist.

IN CONCLUSION

I dunno. I’m pudgy and I don’t wanna be anymore. I need to lose weight and I’ve never had a problem with it before in my adult life until now. I suppose my advice to everyone is this: don’t get old because you might get fat.

Also, buy war bonds. Those things will mature any day now.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 31: “The Woman of Tanchico”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

The Woman of Tanchico is a cozy little inn. Not very many patrons, but there is fuckin’ clown dancing around the table playing a harp. Mat recognizes him as the Wheel of Time’s favorite unregistered sex offender Thom Merrilin the Glee-iest Gleeman this side of Gleemantown. Thom notices him, so Mat sits down at a table and orders two mugs wine expecting Thom to join him after he’s done harping.

Thom is drunk already and the serving girls give Mat some icy stares about ordering wine for him. Mat’s like “I DIDN’T KNOW, I DIDN’T KNOOOOOWWW!!” Thom is more of a sad-sack than Mat has ever remembered. A real sorry state of affairs. Thom blithers to the serving girls that he’s loved two women in his life: Morgase (queen) and Dena (dead), and he missed out on both. One he screwed up by making her want to kill him, and the other he accidentally got killed! Such is life, I suppose.

Mat orders a few full chickens for the two of them. Thom stares into space while Mat eats all of it himself. Then they talk: Mat thought Thom was on his way to Tear, and Thom’s like “I ‘unno”. Then Thom asks if Rand is ok, and Mat’s like “he’s alive last I checked”. Then Mat asks why Thom is in Tar Valon full of meddling, conniving Aes Sedai, and Thom deflects and mutters about Carhien instead. And the only place worse to be than Tar Valon right now is Caemlyn. Mat’s getting tired of Thom’s sad-sackery and tells him his intention to go to Caemlyn and that Thom should go with him if he’s in the mood to get himself killed or something. Thom perks up, thinks this is a dandy idea, and grabs his things.

One of the serving girls thanks Mat for perking him up, gives him a silver coin and tells him his eyes are pretty! Mat pops his trademark boner and Thom and Mat head out. Mat notices the corpse is missing from the street now. Puzzled, they make their way to the docks to take the first boat out of town.


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