Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #10 – “Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 1)”! Finally, we get to the actual Revenge of the Green Lanterns story! Hooray and yippee! In the previous installment, Green Lantern and Batman team up to fight a dude with tattoos. And then—oh wait, that’s it.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue 10 [May, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Revenge of the Green Lanterns (Part 1)”

It’s one year later. “My name is Hal Jordan,” says Hal Jordan. “I’m a cop with a black mark on his record,” he continues. “A big one,” he says. “I was recruited by a dying alien into the Green Lantern Corps because the ring he gave me said I had the potential to overcome great fear,” he blithers. “I thought I understood what that meant,” he blathers. “Five months ago I found out for sure,” he bluthers.

Jordan is fighting an alien space bounty hunter-type name I-Man. He handles himself well until other individuals dressed as I-Man, ostensibly the Space Police, fly in to tell him that he’s under arrest (for prostitution). These Space Police fellows are coined “Rocket Reds”. “You have entered Russian airspace,” says one of them. “We have warned you, American, as we warned your partner.”

And guess what? Hal Jordan is totally going to fight all these Russian sky cops. Jordan is like “before I kill you I’m going to have my ring talk a lot right now.”

“We are currently in pursuit of Reg H’rr, a.k.a. the Igneous Man,” informs the ring. “An assassin from the Solar Cities within the Andromeda sun. He is wanted in seventeen sectors for murder.”

The Red Rockets are well aware of stinky Igneous Man. “He has been lurking in Chernobyl for weeks,” says one of them. “Apparently searching for a more comfortable natural environment. He will be our prisoner, not yours.”

Well, ol’ Hal Jordan doesn’t want to let that happen. He wants him for himself. The Rocket Reds dissected the last guy they caught.

Jordan continues fighting as a one-man army against a slew of Reds. He’s not here as an “American” by the way, he’s here as a “Green Lantern” and he’s got authori-tai!

If Hal Jordan can just make up shit like hammers out of thin air, why doesn’t he make up shit like, you know, an interesting story.

He’s been spending so much time fighting these Rocket Reds that he forgot about his perpetrator! Shit! Oh, there he is, over in the corner melting the Reds’ airplane wings and the Reds’ body armor. “I wait for the pilot to eject. But he doesn’t. Or can’t.”

Oh well!

…

Sigh… I suppose Jordan will have to help him. He instructs the Reds to clear out so that he has room to free the pilot from the airplane and–

“YOU TRY TO TAKE OUR PLANES DOWN?” says a Red as he punches Hal across his pretty mug. Jordan swiftly flies away and constructs some holders to keep the plane afloat.

And while he’s doing all this, he has a flashback about one time when he had to eject from his own downing plane. “I never wear the ring when I fly,” he says, reminiscing fondly about being stuck in the woods, muttering “Cowgirl” and “Rocket-Man”, which seem to be call signs. He stumbles around the snow until he is approached by what I assume are Russian bounty hunters with guns. “You have bombed your last camp, American,” says one in Russian while aiming a gun at Jordan’s face. “Find the others and put this one to sleep. He will be our prisoner.”

Then Jordan wakes up in his bed sweating in his underwear screaming “Cowgirl?!?” He realizes where he is and slumps forward. The TV news broadcasts a story about a Green Lantern violating the Freedom of Power Treaty by entering Russian Airspace in pursuit of Igneous Man. “The Global Guardians issued a statement concerning Green Lantern’s actions at a U.N. press conference today.”

The Global Guardians are like “Yeah, we don’t need the treaty! It’s getting fucking frustrating to deal with! This Green Lantern interruption sucks wangs, and if the United States won’t condemn Hal Jordan’s actions, we will!”

A woman named Julie enters the room ending their one-night stand by saying she has to go to work. As she walks out, Ollie enters wearing a sharp suit that contrasts his stupid facial hair. “Hi there, I hope I’m not interrupting breakfast.”

You’re a cunt hair away from starting World War III, nimrod. Dial it down.

Jordan is happy that Ollie doesn’t ask any further questions about the lady. He used to do that a lot with all the million other one-night stands back in the day. Jordan is thankful.

There are more pressing matters in this case, obviously. Many countries still hold onto the Freedom of Power Treaty even though, as Jordan puts it, it’s a joke. Like it or not, though, it’s international law. So suck it up and follow it before Putin pushes you out of a window.

“We have to respect international law? You drank the Kool-Aid pretty quick, Mayor Queen,” Jordan says, which befuddles me. Mayor Queen?

Ollie’s just doing his job. Fuck off.

“Someone tried to put a price on my head, Ollie. The Igneous Man tried to cash in yesterday. The Faceless Hunter was on my ass the week before. I’ve been throwing these guys into cells on their heads, but no one’s talking.”

“So who would want you dead?”

“Who would want Hal Jordan dead? That’s a long list.”

Yeah, baby. Quite infamous, aren’t we?

Hal Jordan defends himself that borders don’t exist when the Green Lantern uniform is on. “If Evil Star heads into China to steal a nuclear reactor, that’s where Green Lantern has to go.” Jordan argues that the Justice League of America never says in America. Sometimes they crossed dimensions! Argh.

Ollie argues that people are getting nervous, including other superheroes. Like him for instance! Look at him shake in anxiety!

“So what should I do?” Jordan asks incredulously. “Get my passport stamped at customs?”

While these two bicker like old biddies, Sector 674 sees a giant, jacked dinosaur thing terrorizing the planet, which draws the attention of Yellow-ass Sinestro Corps. “Arkillo of the Planet Vorn. You have the ability to instill great gear,” says a yellow ring as it flies toward the beast. “Welcome to the Sinestro Corps.”

Back to Earth already? Edwards Air Force Base, home of the Whopper, where a celebratory welcoming home is happening for Jordan, Cowgirl, and Rocket-Man. They made the world a safer place recently and they’re all here for it. Medals of honor are awarded, and that and $1.50 will buy you a bag of chips from the vending machine.

“Three months ago, these three Americans went into operational units during the combat transition of the F-22 Raptors. Targeting known terrorist camps until they were shot down…”

The three medal-winners whisper to each other about how tired they are of standing and smiling.

Man, I hate being officially recognized and awarded for heroism!

They’re about to receive their medals when a fucking jet crashes through the proceedings. Not an American jet, neither. One of them international jets from another dang country. It skids to a halt on the ground while everyone runs away from the stage. Jordan walks over to it and peaks into a large breach on the side of the cockpit, showing a dead Lantern. “Tomar Tu. Sector 2813.”

“But it can’t be…” says Jordan.

“Why not?” says his superior officer.

“Because I killed him.”

Final Thoughts

Ha ha ha ha ha, what is going on?? I have no final thoughts because this ending is impossible to parse and understand! Stupid Green Lantern comics. I’m too dumb for these.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #9 – “Branded”! In the previous installment, Hal Jordan and Green Arrow foil the death plants, and Mongul and his sister for that matter. It seems like everything is wrapped up in a pretty little bow. In fact, Hal Jordan makes it to his complete nerd of a nephew’s birthday party, and Green Arrow attempts to rekindle a relationship with his son.

If that’s not heartwarming, I don’t know what is. But don’t worry! Something will come around to majorly fuck things up very quickly. I can almost taste it.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #9 [April, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Branded”

Oh, I see. Per the cover art, Hal Jordan and Batman are going to begin a heated kissing match! A kissing match gone wrong??? I’m enticed!

In Gotham City, a businessman inexplicably runs away from both a saber-toothed tiger and a giant flaming skull with dragon wings. The man leaps onto a blimp – saved! Then he gets knocked off by the flaming skull – killed! The man falls to the street, his body creating a large crater in the cement.

“Don’t worry now… this won’t hurt a bit. You’re already dead,” says an enormous, jacked, heavily tattooed Black man with a tattoo gun ready to ink “insert penises here” onto his dead, fleshy buttocks.

While this nonsense happens, Hal Jordan asks a couple of Green Lantern bureaucrats for a personal power battery. A personal power battery! Do you know how much one of those costs, you little shit? Over $177,000,000! “Take it out of my next paycheck,” says Hal.

And everyone grumbles, because no one says “no” to Hal Jordan apparently, that’s for damn sure.

I’m supposed to know the name of this weird anteater alien, I’m sure. “I’m going to ignore my duties as Keeper of the Book of Oa and monitor of Green Lantern procedure and performance–” says this anteater, “–and I am going to speak to you as a friend who has known you since you first joined the Corps. You have been officially stripped of the label of Renegade by the Guardians.”

Oh boo hoo. Just because the news of getting infected by Parallax will spread like a… you know… an infection… doesn’t mean that Hal Jordan won’t get to do what he wants anyway. “The next time you’re on Oa, you might want to watch your back,” says Anteater McJones. Jordan doesn’t find this to be a new development. Ho hum and tally ho.

Back in Gotham City, the Batsignal blares in the sky while Batman works in his Batcave on his Batcomputer playing Batsolitaire and watching Batporno. Hal Jordan rudely infiltrates his lair and tells him that he shouldn’t work without a light.

That’s very funny, asshole. Ha ha hardy har. Your dad died in a plane crash.

“Green Arrow said you wanted to see me?” Jordan says. Batman grumbles. “How’s Alfred?” Jordan asks. Batman grumbles.

“Yesterday, witnesses said Lou Rosen was chased through the streets of Gotham by a saber-toothed tiger. He tried to escape by hopping a ride on a blimp. But a flying skull with… bat wings knocked him off,” Batman says even though I already said all these things myself. Don’t you read my blog, Batfucker?

Batman shows Jordan pictures of the body. A tattoo across his chest says “Weakness: Women”.

Reportedly, Rosen was having an affair. BUT, more importantly, Rosen was an account ready to turn state’s evidence against his boss Tobias Whale, and there was a price on his head. Tattooing the body is the hitman’s modus operandi. Batman shows additional photos of bodies with tattoos across the chest: “Weakness: Rude to Waiters.” “Weakness: Gambling.” “Weakness: Theft.” “Weakness: Reading comic books and writing about each and every single goddamn one on his blog that no one reads.”

“He calls himself the Tattooed Man.” Batman shows Jordan an enormous, jacked, heavily tattooed Black man wearing army fatigues, a helmet, and holding a gun. Jordan recognizes him as Abel Tarrant, a man trying to go straight after criming one too many times.

Well, Batman shows Jordan another photo of a man named Mark Richards. This particular enormous, jacked, heavily tattooed Black man wearing army fatigues, a helmet, and holding a gun went missing three years ago after a helicopter crash. His fellow soldiers were found dead and marked with tribal tattoos. Presumed dead until his greasy fingerprints were found at a crime scene a month ago.

Is the plot thickening yet. Seems loose like Superman’s stools.

Batporno waits for no man, Jordan. That’s Rule #1.

Jordan whines that he doesn’t even know this new tattooed man. Batman tells him to put the ring on, play happy superhero, and get a move on. Jordan tells Batman that the big, scary act won’t work on him. Batman cracks him across the face with the power of 1,000 Thor hammers.

Then they kiss and make up (in a kissing match gone wrong???) and hop in the Batmobile together. *Batman theme music plays at 200 decibels* Batman accelerates so fast that Jordan thumps his head on the side window, further diminishing his masculinity.

“Why are we driving, anyway? I could fly us there in half the time,” Jordan gripes.

“You glow,” Batman responds, fighting back the word “idiot”. “They’d see you a mile away.”

Anyway, when asked if Jordan has given any thought as to how he’ll bring the tattooed man in, Jordan smiles and says he’ll hit him really hard with a giant green boxing glove. Batman glares until Jordan’s penis shrivels up. “I’m kidding,” Jordan admits.

Gritting his teeth with utmost impatience, Batman tells Jordan that, basically, this guy’s tattoos can leap out and kill people. Get it together. No more people are gonna die. No more buildings are gonna fall. And, thirdly, no more people are gonna die. They need a strategy, not some idiot with a ring. God…

Elsewhere, Mr. Richards is finishing up another tattoo. “Job’s done, Tobias,” he says. “His sins will be grafted onto my skin like the others. And I’ll save his soul.”

Sounds dandy, weirdo. Tobias has another target for you: Harvey Dent. Weakness: Donuts. Bring your biggest gun.

When Tobias leaves, Richards peaks outside the window of his motel room where Hal Jordan is hovering like an incandescent green doofus. “Come out with your hands up and save yourself some trouble,” Jordan says like he’s the Police of Shit Village. Immediately, Richards sends his tattoos off to fight. Flying skulls, tigers, barbed wire, you name it. A tramp stamp that says “Juicy”. Jordan isn’t really holding his own, Green Lantern or not.

Hal Jordan, you seem to suffer from Lupus of the Ass. Your biggest Achilles’ Heel, as it were…

Richards senses a weakness in Hal Jordan, and we all saw this one coming: arrogance. And the tattoos sense great sin in him, this is why they’re more readily gnawing on him for a bit. And it’s not just any sin, there’s blood on his hands. “Your sins will be among my greatest designs – once you’re dead.”

Fashionably late, as usual, Batman pops out from the motel room’s shadows behind Richards. “Boo,” he says, looking as grisly and gruff as ever. This is the part where the art becomes inscrutable again as a fight ensues that is replete with swarming drawings and very green light.

“You think I’m just tattoos?” Richards says as lands on top of a car and growls masculinely. “And you think this is just a boot?” Batman retorts, using his regular ol’ boot to kick Richards in the throat. Richards gets right up in Batman’s face, claims that he isn’t bothered by pain, and bonks his head against him with a “BOK”. Batman’s nose starts bleeding, and if he doesn’t go to the hospital within two panels he will surely be dead as a doornail! Oh no!

Batman has sins too, you know. Plenty of sins. Sins to high heaven. Batman goes “eat shit” and clocks Richards so hard in the mug that he collapses in a heap of smelly tattoos. Hal Jordan is like “took long enough”. A buddy-comedy for the ages, this is.

Later, as they get out of the Batmobile after returning to Batman’s property, Hal Jordan wants to show Batman his ring. Batman isn’t interested. Jordan goes “come onnnnnn”. Batman begrudgingly accepts it, and Jordan tells him to clear his head and picture something. The ring glows, but nothing else happens. Nothing else happens except for Hal Jordan launching into a big soliloquy. “You and I are different,” he begins. “But we have something in common. We both watched something happen we couldn’t stop. Something we wanted to stop. The ring helped me overcome my greatest fear. It can help you overcome yours, too.”

You just made Batman mad, sir. “You need to think about that to get this to work? This is twisted.”

Jordan says he should have to actually think about it. You have to kind of forget it for a moment. Batman lifts the ring to his grimacing maw, tears running down his stupid face. “Remember when the Batman was born. Remember why,” Jordan says.

Batman suddenly hulks out, so to speak, in that he glows a putrid green and the Lantern symbol appears on his chest. “ARRGHGHH!!” he screams as the light fill all seven itchy holes of his body. “Take control of it,” Jordan says. “Put that horrible night behind you, Bruce.”

Batman continues screaming until a vision of his parents appears in the light before him. Quite young and dashing, this couple. Too bad they got a couple of bullets through the brainpan! Batman almost touches them before they disappear. “I don’t want to,” he says finally. “Not yet.”

And you never will.

“Thanks anyway,” he grumbles as he gives back the ring. Then he says, for what it’s worth, he’s glad Jordan is back.

Final Thoughts

DAAAWWWWW!! ISN’T THAT PRECIOUS!! Stay tuned for the next issue when Superman gives Hal Jordan a blowjob and Wonder Woman buys him one of those novelty singing fish plaques

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #8 – “A Perfect Life (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Mongul has blown up the Justice League’s moon watchtower! But he dies on Earth, sending his son into a fury! He vows to conquer Earth, just as his dad has always wanted, and he starts by planting a field of parasitic death plants on an Ohio farm that wraps around its host and kills them slowly while causing them to live out their fondest desires.

Well, sir. During a tussle, Hal Jordan and Green Arrow get wrapped up by these murderous plants! Son of Mongul celebrates the first step of his conquering endeavors! What’s next for Earth? Death plants for all?? Read on, ladies and germs.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #8 [March, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“A Perfect Life (Part 2)”

Green Arrow is beatin’ up bad guys with his son in Star City, a situation that has surely been induced by being wrapped up and poisoned by a parasitic death plant. After a full day of rasslin’, they return home where Green Arrow’s wife has finished making the finest chili in town! The baby has been kicking in her belly something fierce today. One big happy family! *farts about reality*

Meanwhile, a literal swarm of Green Lanterns flies to try to defeat one yellow guy. Yellow is the enemy of Green, you see, and apparently it takes an army of Green to give a swirlie to one puny little Yellow nerd. But it does, and Sinestro leads the fight. Too bad everyone’s power levels are at 2% because the central power battery is broken. This actually is a huge problem, and there is no solution right now except either a) get a USB cable and plug the rings into a computer, or b) get some lithium-ion batteries, the ones that explode on airplanes. Eventually, after a litany of panels, Sinestro KRRAAKKOOOMs this yellow guy out of existence, so it would seem.

“For once, I thought I’d lead the troops,” Hal Jordan gripes.

“Your instincts are righteous, Jordan,” Sinestro says. “Your actions valiant. Never let yourself believe I am not more than proud to call you my protege–”

Friends with Korugar Hitler? I mean, it’s tempting, but–

Of course, Hal Jordan is having his own death plant-addled hallucinations. After a hearty bout against the enemy, he enjoys an evening in the bustling Coast City with his family. Hal made it to his nephew’s birthday! Mom asks Hal when he’s going to settle down! “As soon as I find someone as perfect as you, Mom.” Ha ha! What a card! Then dear ol’ dad shows up! Let’s go flying, son!

So they do. And in the air, Dad wonders what’s on Hal’s mind. “We’ve been in the air for more than twenty minutes. Normally you’d be begging to do a tailslide right now.”

Hal doesn’t know what’s wrong. Dad disagrees. “It’s just… I got this bad feeling, Dad. Something’s wrong.” Yeah, I know what’s wrong. Narcotic nanospores are swimming through Hal’s bloodstream right now. But Dad has some sage advice: “The worst thing you can do – the absolute worst – is waste your time being afraid that something good will end. You gotta enjoy every minute of it.

Oh, he’s enjoying it all right.

Son of Mongul, aka Mongul (I guess), has his own little walkie-talkie device and requests activation of his DNA locator. While he tries activating his star gate, Green Arrow continues having his own blissful, pre-prepared situation. He and his son are running through the hospital looking for his delivering wife. She’s doing just fine, you know. Couldn’t be better. Having a baby is roses and gravy.

Once the baby is delivered, the nurse hands Green Arrow his new son. A twinge of doubt sparks across his mind. “…this isn’t right. This isn’t–”

A sudden sense of a death plant wrapped around him plagues his brain, and then it’s gone as quickly as it happened. “Dad?” asks Connor. But Green Arrow crumbles to the floor whining about not being who he is. “This isn’t my life,” he says.

Then everyone in the room disappears as awareness creeps through. “Dammit, I remember… Hal… Hal? Where are you?”

Here’s where Hal is: he’s running into turbulence and thunderstorms up in the air. Out of nowhere, too. It’s weird. And as Hal’s dad tries to get out of it, Hal sees a violet apparition above him. “Hal!” screams Green Arrow. “Wake up!”

Hal gets launched out of the plane and starts falling, falling, falling…. falling, falling… … … falling… some more falling…

Now he’s a kid again, watching his dad crash his fiery plane into a field during a demonstration. “Dad! NO!”

All this trauma has stirred Hal awake, and he rips the plant off his body. Green Arrow had already tossed off his own pretty parasitic flowers. “Mornin’, Sleepyhead,” he says coyly. Then there are a couple exchanges of “you’re a good father” and “you’re a good, um, Hal”.

Ugh, you again? Butt out. This whole situation doesn’t concern you.

“Ring, what’s Mongul doing to these people?”

“Schematics suggest bioelectric collection. Continued exposure and drainage will result in death.”

A couple of hapless dudes are on the ground writhing with blissed-out agony. “We need to get them free–” says Green Arrow, but then Mongul shows up to the party again to take a big shit on the cake. And speaking of shit cakes, here are two consecutive panels:

a) There’s a violet boom.

b) Green Arrow says “Mongul’s sister.”

c) Hal Jordan says “Looks like she teleported here.”

Cool, right? That’s your magic Geoff Johns writing that made this series so famous! Mongul’s sister has a long flowing mane of burgundy hair and boobs ‘til Tuesday. “Brother,” she addresses Mongul (her brother). “I’ve been looking for you.”

They establish that they both have been looking for each other. Then they fight because Mongul is trying to take all the glory for himself. “You kids play nice now,” Green Arrow says before he and Jordan attack them rather loudly in the middle of this quiet farm. Mongul gets upset at this intrusion, demanding that they are left alone to discuss this family matter in private. Then he remembers that he’s Mongul, so he gets back to the task at hand: “I’ll tear the skin from your skull and suck the eyes out of your sockets. And I’ll do the same to every man, woman, and child on this planet.” He lifts the entire farmhouse over his head. “The planet that murdered my father.”

The fighting is profuse and, dare I say, rather rude! Mongul throws Jordan across the field. Green Arrow shoots an ice arrow through Sister of Mongul’s arm. Mongul punches Green Arrow through the roof of the house.

Things are getting tense!

Kids, stop fighting. There are plenty of people to murder for everyone.

Green Arrow shoots a few right through her titties.

Oh, I see it now. Mongul activated the star gate and that’s why Mongul’s sister, Colonel Jack O’Neill, Daniel Jackson, and T’ealc emerged out of it. Well, Hal Jordan asks his ring nicely to sever all the death plant fines and activate the gate. Quick as a wink, the Monguls get transported back to Space Sector 2811, the Cygnus star system, Debstam IV, from whence they came.

Mongul is furious at this and punches the teeth right out of his sister’s head. “Family is a weakness. And I will have no weakness. Goodbye, Sister.”

And that’s the end of that chapter!

Morning begins to rise. Jordan and Green Arrow observe the ravaged scene while the cops and paramedics do their thing. The two of them discuss conversationally how real their respective hallucinations felt. “I thought I could handle it,” says Jordan. “I never got a chance to say goodbye to any of them.”

Green Arrow reminds him that at least he still has a family. He just blew them off like an asshole in order to find one of the worst villains to ever grace Sector 8y32499873g.

Hal takes this to heart and shows up to his loser nephew’s empty birthday party. Everyone is like “no way, he actually showed up, this guy”. Hal gets Howard (which is not a real name of anybody’s nephew) a football. Time to throw the ol’ pigskin around. Break a few bones. Just like old times!

Green Arrow is inspired to call his own son. “Connor? It’s… it’s Dad. You hungry?”

Yeah, that’s a good way to rekindle a relationship that’s been broken for 75 years. “You hungry?”

Final Thoughts

Fuck them death plants! Fuck that Mongul! And, while we’re at it, fuck Hal Jordan and Green Arrow! Sorry, I got carried away there for a second. I thought I was reading a Superman comic.