Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Better Than Batman (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, Dick Grayson gets “recruited” by the Parliament of Owls to pair up with a badass “better than Batman” dude who fancies himself as the Raptor. Why? Because the Parliament is tired of Nightwing going rogue and he needs a nice mentor who will take him out for ice cream and teach him how to not be a Naughty Boy.

Nightwing is obviously defiant, but after getting his ass very much kicked by Raptor, I’m guessing the lad will have no choice now but to get a giant scoop of delicious Rocky Road. Oh wait, he’s in Russia. Maybe a giant scoop of… Borscht Berry.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [October, 2016]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Better Than Batman (Part 2)”

Loving that cover art. “I’M BETTER THAN BATMAN! *punch* BETTER THAN BATMAN!! *punch punch maim*

We are in Gotham City, but in the past. In the past, back when Dick Fuckman was Robin and Batman was very much already Batman. They’re at the top of a three-story building, and Batman is holding a guy by the throat off the edge. “Where. Is. The. Child?!” he says pointedly. Not the guy over the edge. Batman said it.

Robin insists that Batman puts the guy down. He doesn’t know where the child is, damnit. Stop torturing the wretched man! And Batman puts the guy down, all right. Down three stories. The dude lands on his back with an “OOF!”, which would kill even the most resilient bouncy balls of men.

“Why?” Robin asks, looking down horrified.

“Because this is a lesson. We can’t trust criminals. Fear is the only thing that makes them tell the truth. Fear is what makes them honest. When it comes to criminals, their fear is more important than your trust.”

WISE WORDS FROM MILLIONAIRE PLAYBOY BRUCE WAYNEMAN. But we’re in Moscow now, and no one cares about fear and trust right now.

Raptor reminds Nightwing that he’s his new partner Raptor. He has to do this because he knocked Nightwing around the head for about 45 minutes. Nightwing has had it! He’s not going to be partners with someone who physically and verbally abuses him! Seacrest out.

“Hey, wait!” Raptor smiles with that scruffy face of his. “I was just trying to relate to you on your level. Isn’t that how it works with the superhero crowd? Fight, then team up?” Nightwing thinks this guy has a point. Batman has gouged out the eyes of every ally he’s ever had. “Go ahead and say your peace so I can get out of here,” Nightwing grumbles.

Raptor’s a thief. An outlaw. A communist. A tender lover. A bald eagle. A card-carrying member of NAMBLA. A tall drink of water.

Raptor relays the Parliament of Owls’ assignment for them. “Ever heard of the Kobra Cult?” he asks. Nightwing has heard of them. The worship an “age of chaos”. The cult has hijacked a ship in the Black Sea, a ship that belongs to the Parliament. Time to rescue the ship and its passengers, boy-o. Grab your parka.

Nightwing mulls over this for a bit and decides, fine, whatever, so be it. “Since you’ve got so much to teach, and everything I learned from Batman is so wrong, what’s the plan?” Here’s the plan: Raptor summons his hovercraft! “First things first, partner. Sidekicks in the back.”

Raptor is really good at making Nightwing his bitch. It’s a fitting position for him, to be sure. Good thing there are over 100 more issues of Nightwing being someone’s bitch coming up!

Meanwhile, in Tokyo, Batgirl looks over the skyline. She and Nightwing are conversing on their high-tech earpiece walkie-talkies. She flew the Gotham coop because Batwoman is handling things and also the weird Gotham twins are also handling things. Plus, she got jealous of Nightwing’s globe-trotting. So she’s kicking some asses in Japan for a bit, just as a vacation treat. Nightwing can dig it.

Batgirl asks if they can meet up for a little bit of missionary style fuckin’. Nightwing thinks that sounds enticing, but he needs to wrap up his mission in Moscow first. OK, how about tomorrow at midnight then? Nightwing is like “midnight is the buttfuckin’ hour”. Then they end communication.

Raptor and Nightwing are swimming around the Black Sea talking ‘bout sharks and the like. Raptor also talks about how he forged an identity independent of some other schmuck. “Big blue bird. It just screams ‘brand extension of Batman’. That’s why the Parliament wants you so bad, right? You’ve got ‘hip new version of an old beloved product’ written all over you.” And Nightwing scowls pretty heavily at this because he knows Raptor is right. Raptor is always right. This is why he’s better than Batman.

Like I said. Wise words. Nightwing should give that guy an appreciative kiss.

Suddenly, without warning, Raptor gets pulled under the water with an “UNGHK!” Nightwing sighs heavily, rolls his damn eyes, and chases after him. Some sort of humanoid sea creature has captured Raptorman and just kind of screams at him underwater menacingly. Nightwing reminds himself that Batman taught him that every life is worth saving, so he guesses he’ll help Raptor. But just this once, then he’s on his own.

“I’ve heard my fighting style described as jazz,” Nightwing thinks douchebaggedly. “Disciplined, not adverse to improvisation. Raptor’s style is sort of like a freestyle rap battle. Aggressive, quick, and surprisingly clever.”

I’m sorry you had to read that. Anyway, Raptor throws the creature across the water and it gets attacked by two sharks. I guess he died, I don’t know. We don’t really get a follow-up on that.

Raptor thanks his trusty gauntlet Suyolak for having shark-attractant at the ready! How’s that for a fucking copout? He’s not much of a planner, so he lets this glove thing plan for him. It’s like Batman’s utitlity belt, but it also has snacks.

“Jump first. There’s plenty of time to figure it out on the way down, I say,” Raptor says. Nightwing finds that advice interesting. Batman definitely never taught him that shit. Batman is all like “plan for days before you open a door”. Nightwing has always thought Batman’s tactics were old hat. That’s why he enjoys “Nightwinging it”. Again, I’m sorry you had to read that.

Anyway, Nightwing and Raptor jump down onto the stolen ship and put the sleeper hold on a couple of Cult goons. Then they take out a couple of other Cult goons. Nightwing is starting to become uneasy for liking this guy a little bit. So he sneaks off alone to do a little bit of reconnaissance while Raptor continues fistin’ goons.

Nightwing finds a trashed infirmary with two morbidly obese women sprawled on medical beds. Nightwing hears music under one of the beds and asks the woman if she’s ok. The woman sits up with zombie eyes and says the following in a menacing yellow speech balloon: “She is born. She gives the gift of venom. Only the daughters of Kobra are worthy of the coming age. I can give them all such beautiful children.”

Yeah yeah yeah, we’ve all heard that one before, lady.

Then a creepy waif bursts out of her fat stomach, stunning Nighwing. Raptor finds him, pushes him out of the way, and incapacitates the weird demon ladies.

“You want to know what the Parliament had that Kobra wanted?” Raptor scolds him. “So bad that you had to run off alone? Is that what the Bat taught you? I guess that’s why there’s a new Robin every other month.”

I’ve decided I really like this Raptor guy! Nightwing needs to be taken down a few pegs, the insufferable child.

Nightwing discovers a scalpel stuck in Raptor’s side. Or a nail file. Or a turducken. Raptor pulls it out like it’s nothing and we all move on.

“Kobra’s genetic research division is always looking for raw biological material. They prefer forgotten people. Those whom no one will notice when they go missing. The unfortunate. The lost.” Raptor looks like he’s about to cry about such poignancy. Then they head down into the lower deck and find a bunch of emaciated motherfuckers hunched. Real down in the dumps sad-sacks here. Time to help these wretches, I guess.

“What would the Parliament want with them?” Nightwing asks. The Parliament is creating a new nation off the coast of Greece, you see. It’ll be like international waters where everything is legal, including cockfighting and bloodletting. “It’ll be a stronghold for the elite,” Raptor says for some reason. “And this people will build its walls,” he continues while Nightwing looks positively shocked. Like he’s going to cry like a baby right then and there. Just really start wailing and moaning.

First off, hand in your NAMBLA card…

The duo returns to Parliament HQ to brief the masked Owl Man. “My brother and sister owls are expressing satisfaction with your service,” he explains. It’s like, of course they are, Your Majesty. Nightwing and Raptor are tops! “Here is your next mission,” he continues, handing over a file. “We expect great things from the two of you. Great things.”

Nightwing feels like this is a good time to part ways. “Nightwing. Stop,” Raptor says as they leap daintily between buildings. “Go to hell, Raptor. We’re done,” Nightwing responds.

Then Raptor fwips a grappling line to Nightwing’s foot midair. “I don’t think we are.” Then Nightwing lands flat on his face on the concrete, killing him instantly. “I know what you want, Nightwing. You want the Owls destroyed. Brought to justice. You played the long game. Waiting for the perfect moment. You took jobs that kept you in the light. You didn’t fall into darkness. But you had to work with me. A guy who has got one foot in the dark.”

“Shut up,” is all Nightwing can say, because he has a way with words unlike anyone I’ve ever seen before. He revs up a mighty punch! “Don’t you ever stop talking?”

Raptor stops the punch with ease and grace. He knows everything on Nightwing’s mind. He knows he considered scrubbing the whole mission. Maybe kicking Raptor over the side of the ship. Then he thought about how many more ships there would be. How many more captives would need to be saved. Daunting! Fuck that noise, right?! Nightwing cracks him across the face and tells him to shut up again. Raptor definitely does not shut up.

“I have something, Nightwing. Something the Parliament fears more than anything. A way to bring them out of the dark and into the light.” But before that, there will be hard choices ahead, Nightwing. Do you stay or do you go now?

Remember that Batman guy that you trust so much? Well, Raptor says you can trust him too. “I won’t let you fall too far into the dark. I’ll catch you. Now you can stand there, afraid to leap, or you can come on the next mission.”

Well, all this talk his distracted Nightwing so much that he forgot he had a midnight date with Barbara Gordon.

I brought a basket with a plate and a dildo, a tray full of pills, and a wonton candle.

You got stood up, Babs.

Because Nightwing is going with his new best friend to the next adventure!

Final Thoughts

All things aside, I kind of like this Nightwing story. Way, way, waaaayy better than that New 52 story about the circus and whatnot.

Nightwing and Raptor are going to fuck by the end of Issue #4, guaranteed.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “Better Than Batman (Part 1)”!

Dick Grayson sucks. I’m only reading this because it ties into a crossover event. Let’s get it fucking over with already.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [September, 2016]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Better Than Batman (Part 1)”

Welcome to Cimitirul Central in the heart of Cluj-Napoca, Romania! Where all the action is! A corpse-looking couple – a man and a woman – are digging in a graveyard looking for something thus far unknown for a man named Dr. Leviticus. “Have you found it, Padurar?” asks the woman. Padurar says “Hrm. Gllrgh.” This translates to “my butt is wet”.

The two uncover a cask of coins! Real Romanian coins, pricelessly valued at $4.17. The woman is actually not dead, but she’s so old that she looks dead. The man is dead. You can tell because he said “gllrgh”.

Suddenly, some thrown object pierces Mr. Gllrgh’s eyeball, scaring the shit out of the woman. A man with a weird mechanical gauntlet apparatus punches within an inch of the woman’s face. “I call this Suyolak,” he says of the gauntlet. “As a fellow tinkerer, I’m sure you’re impressed.”

In short, the woman is getting threatened. She holds her hands up in the universal motion of “I begrudgingly surrender” and asks the man if he even knows who she is. He doesn’t want her money, by the way. He’s already getting paid. “What I want is to dig up the past. And if I don’t get it… it’s you who’ll get buried.”

Welcome to Teatro Regio di Torino in the heart of Turin, Italy! Where none of the action is! There’s a Cirque du Soleil event happening in the theater, and since our hero Nightwing did a lot of flipping and flopping back in the day as part of the “Flying Graysons”, he’s the star attraction of the big event! He catches the reading audience up on how he does fantastic acrobatics, and this worked well as Robin once. Batman liked to watch the boy do cartwheels.

BLEEP BLORP I AM FROM THE PLANET REPTILON

For some reason, a gibberish-speaking man in an orange lizard costume draws a knife and intends to kill a few people in the good seats. Good thing Nightwing, that sexy little beast, flings toward the crowd and stops the lunatic. By the way, Nightwing is looking to repay an old debt. He owes his mom and dad to at least stop bad guys doing provocative flips and spins. He owes Bruce Wayne for adopting him illegally and holding him hostage for all those years, making him dance around in a Robin costume. “I’m glad I grew up in a circus. Because sometimes I still have to put on a show.”

After stopping the dumbass in the animal costume, Nightwing puts a leg up seductively and addresses the lovely Representative Manfred. “The Parliament of Owls sends its regards,” he says an inch from her nose. A can of mace would come in handy right now.

Welcome to Chania, Crete, Greece! Where only a little bit of the action is! “Tonight’s performance involves me working for an international offshoot of Gotham’s Court of Owls. They think they got me by the short hairs after they threatened Robin’s life. Little do they know I’m flipping the script, getting in close so I can get the dirt on their filthy rich plans and take them down.” You spry fox! Godspeed! Huzzah!

Nightwing pulls open the enormous doors of a… building, I guess. I vaguely remember this shit from the New 52 Batman, but since that was four years ago I’m not going to remember any of it. Tryin’ to roll with it here. “Gray Son of Gotham,” says the man waiting inside the building. The wall is covered with owl portraits. “We would have words with you. I call this Council of the Parliament to order.”

Basically, stop being a goody-goody and kick some real ass for us.

Whatever you say, hoss. He’s wearing a metal owlish mask to hide what we may eventually find out to be a beautiful, manly face. He’s mad that Nightwing is still out there being an altruistic superhero instead of giving his life to the covenant. ANYWAY, the Dubai Owls were almost robbed by a guy who calls himself Raptor. The Owls were impressed by this guy’s cunning and Swiss army knife skills, so they guaranteed a healthy sum in order to hire him for their own purposes. He’s great, man, this Raptor. Partner up with this guy, Nightwing. You could learn a thing or two about not being a weenie. “You will steal. You will kill. For us.”

Grayson reminds Mr. Owl-Face that he was forced into this cult and he’ll never be one of them. He’ll do things his own way, if that means baking the enemy some cookies, then so be it.

Welcome to Wayne Manor! Where there is so little action that I’m sawing my dick off out of boredom! Nightwing visits the old stomping grounds and watches Batman and Robin rasslin’. The winged one is teaching Damian Wayne, his evil little Hellspawn of a son, how to fight like a big, burly man. But little Robin is having trouble.

“Damian!” yells Nightwing. “Batman always dodges left and hits right! Watch his right!”

Batman turns his head. “I thought I was the teacher here, Dick,” he says, calling his old ward a dick.

Take that, assfuck! USA! USA! USA!

Nightwing has to help Batman up because his son socked him so hard that he now has irreversible brain damage. Little Robin fistpumps. Batman gives him five minutes before resuming their kickboxing session.

“Anyway, they want me to shadow a guy named ‘Raptor’,” Nightwing tells his old mentor. “Apparently, he’s better at toeing the company line. On one hand, I can probably buy some time if I work with him. But I also might spend more time ducking him than finding out ways to expose the owls’ wrinkly jowls. What do you think, Bruce?”

Bruce is drooling like a braindead vegetable. Robin has severed Bruce’s brain stem into two pieces.

“I think, Dick, that you should stop asking me questions,” Bruce growls. I’m guessing these two have some tense recent history. Bruce points out Nightwing’s insistence that he wants to do things “his own way”, so Bruce is like “Fine. Do things your own way. Fuck off, kid.” It’s understandable that Bruce doesn’t want to help him one bit! In fact, he should shove him into a hole.

In short, Bruce trusts Dick to make his own decisions. “I’m not your teacher anymore,” he says. He has his hands full with poopypants Damian anyway. Now where’s that hole?

Dick grumbles and takes his leave. He needs to visit Barbara Gordon (aka Batgirl) right now anyway to a) chat, and b) probably fuck. He shows up on the Burnside Bridge in a nice button-down with a sport coat. Batgirl is dressed like Batgirl, and she doesn’t have time for Dick’s shenanigans. She had no idea that this wasn’t going to be superhero stuff! “I should go change,” she says, embarrassed. Dick says it’s ok, he just wanted to see her before he went to Russia to be an international spy! Batgirl is like “ugggghhhh, not again”.

Remember that time we 69ed hanging from a rope from a helicopter piloted by no one?? Fun times, huh?

Batgirl tells Dick that he’s a stupid asshole and that he should be more careful. This job sounds dangerous and Putin’s going to shove him out of a window. In Gotham, there are plenty of friends to protect him. In Russia, Dick might get kidnapped and sold as a mail-order bride!

“There’s no way Batman is ok with this,” says Batgirl.

“He’s helping me out. He’s totally ok with it. Almost too ok with it.”

Batgirl picks up a transmission on her headgear police scanner. Some mook named Spinebender just robbed a convenience store. Superhero time after all! And they cavort and enjoy their last night together before Dick gets murdered in Pereslavl-Zalessky near Lake Pleshcheyevo.

In Moscow at night, Nightwing crouches near a wall in the Muzeon Park of Arts holding a nesting doll with Barbara’s name on it. A souvenir for if he comes back to Gotham City without getting killed.

While Nightwing smiles at the doll, his buddy Raptor shows up to make fun of his cracker ass. Nightwing makes a proctology joke. They’re already hitting it off quite nicely. “I told the Parliament I’m working this case alone,” Nightwing whines at Raptor. “Nothing personal, but I’ve already had some of the best partners a guy can have.”

Raptor kicks this shithead in the back so hard that Dick cracks the wall. “Who’s Barbara? Is she why you aren’t doing your job? You don’t want to disappoint her?”

Nightwing lies dying on the ground while Raptor continues throwing shade. Now it’s Nightwing’s turn to attack, and pretty soon these two are having a cute little tussle. Raptor calls Nightwing a flailing puppet. Nightwing pretends to be crying and sad.

Did Bruce show you where the clitoris is, Nightwing? Bruce knows where all of them are.

“Did your old mentor teach you to be a pining, impotent virgin who can’t stop thinking about ‘Barbara’?” Raptor says while punching Nightwing in the gut. I’m laughing at this while Nightwing has nothing to say other than “Shut up!” NNNNNGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Raptor extends his gauntlet, Suyolak, and blasts a plume of purple smoke, incapacitating Nightwing one more time before he gets cracked across the face. “You need to sit down, shut up, and listen. You need a new partner. A better mentor. Because everything Batman taught you is wrong.”

Nightwing grits his teeth on the ground while Raptor stands triumphantly. He’ll show him who taught him wrong!

Er…

Final Thoughts

Hell yeah, I can already tell this guy actually is better than Batman. It’s painfully obvious to me, and if you think Batman is better than Raptor then you can eat my oversized novelty hat.