Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7 – “Driven”! In the previous installment, we finally get the whole Bruce-Wayne-Morgan-Ducard-Fallout backstory and it’s not that exciting! Bruce Wayne was duped into helping murder a known terrorist, and instead of being sniped by Morgan he instead almost murders Morgan. This is the story he never wanted to tell Damian. How very scandalous.

Meanwhile, the ambassador was kidnapped and tortured for information. As he’s getting dunked into acid, Robin activates a GPS to let Batman know his location and then reveals that his loyalty to NoBody was a ruse the entire time. This pisses off NoBody, who starts beating Robin so that Batman can hear through the GPS.

Batman is not happy. Morgan Ducard is going to fucking bite the curb.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7 [May, 2012]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Driven”

KRAK! “And that was the sound of your son’s fingers fracturing.” says NoBody. Batman is on his way to find Robin via the GPS tracker, and as he’s making his way there NoBody is allegedly torturing Robin so that Batman can hear every sound. Robin isn’t yelling or screaming or anything, which leaves me suspicious, but this is a comic book! You can’t hear comic books! Unless you flip the pages really fast, then it’s like “fwip”.

“THREE MILES TO TARGET” chirps the GPS. Why, that’s still so far away! Ducard NoBody has time to break half of Robin’s brittle little bones by the time Batman gets there! He can even break the little ones in his ears! In the background, the ambassador is halfway dunked in the acid. “Do what you need to do, Father!” yells Robin with the clarity of someone whose bones aren’t getting broken at all, methinks.

Fuck his ass up, sir!

Batman is chasing him down in his Batmobile, and I guess the Batmobile can fly? NoBody continues to taunt Batman through the GPS, letting him know that he’s going to “leave Robin broken and bloody just like you left me that day in England”. How very poetic, except not really because it would have to be Henri Ducard breaking Robin’s fingers for it to be a matching scenario. Oh well, the cleverness was almost there at least.

Right before NoBody grabs Robin’s chest and liquifies his organs into liquid paste with his super cool soundwave gloves, Batman crashes his Batmobile right through the motherfucking ROOF of the boat, bitch! “YOU TRY TO MURDER MY SON — AND EXPECT TO LIVE?!” Batman yells furiously, taking time to cloak the front of himself with his cape in a menacingly intimidating pose. And NoBody just kinda shrugs and says “yeah, kinda, actually”. And then Batman says “NOOO!” and throws his bat boomerangs at him. lol

Batman launches at NoBody and starts tearing his ass up a bit. When NoBody tries to launch his sound waves at him, Batman tells him that he modified his suit to handle his attacks. I can’t tell what happens next very well, but it looks like NoBody stabs Batman in the back with six razor-sharp daggers that he had hooked around his fingers? I dunno.

It’s a tale as old as time. It’s called “being born”.

As Batman and NoBody fight, NoBody loudly betrays his deep daddy-issue insecurities (oh wow, the running theme). “Morgan disappeared the day you threw me across Ducard’s table like a piece of garbage! In my father’s eyes I was dead after you beat me — I was nothing — I was nobody!”

Why wouldn’t Batman use those words against him? What’s with these villains just speaking out loud their deepest shames to their mortal enemies? Batman tells him that he’s still an insecure little boy trying to please his father. “YOU STOLE MY FATHER, SO I’M STEALING YOUR SON. QUID PRO QUO.” NoBody says, taking a moment to display his dead language knowledge while he slashes Batman’s cheeks with his dual-wield NoBody Blades.

“The world doesn’t need a ‘Batman’, it needs a ‘Nobody’! It’s always been a nobody who rises from the masses to make things right!” NoBody says triumphantly, not aware of just how absolutely, horrifically lame that really sounds. “And it always takes a somebody…TO SHOW THEM THEY’RE WRONG!” Batman retorts, really letting NoBody have it with a full-page spread headbutt to the bread basket. Then he hoists NoBody up over his head and fuckin’ tosses him right into the vat of acid. He even submerges his arm in there to hold him down. Some splashes up into his face, so he unmasks.

Nickelodeon has gotten way more brutal with their slime in the last couple of decades, huh?

He and Robin lock eyes. Robin looks numb. Bruce looks exhausted.

Finally, Bruce hoists NoBody out of the acid before it kills him (even though, uh, acid kinda keeps working even if you’re covered in it still, but ok). “Let’s get the hell out of here, Damian.” he says. They share a touching moment.

*burp*

“Did you think I betrayed you, Father?” asks Robin. Bruce says no…and then admits kinda yes. The boat is still sinking, as it has been since a goddamned Batmobile crashed through it, so the next step is to figure a way out. Morgan is currently shackled to a rolling lab cart. While Bruce goes over the plan to escape, dump Morgan off with the harbor patrol, get back to the Batcave, debrief with Alfred, Morgan surreptitiously threatens to kill Robin and his family. This doesn’t sit well with Robin, and before Bruce can truly stop the little lad, Robin gives Morgan the ol’ one-two-buckle-my-shoe! Some real poetic justice, finally! He delivers a lethal blow between the eyes, the very move that Morgan taught him when Robin crossed over to the dark side.

This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a “POK-SLARK”.

He, in fact, hits him so hard that most of his hand is embedded in Morgan’s skull. Gross!

Final Thoughts

One issue left! The denouement, as it were! Lots of action in this one, lots of full-page artistic flexing. The next one will be the cool-down, the heart-to-heart, the realization that some real shit will go down now, and it’s only the beginning.

Perhaps.

But hey, twists everywhere, right? As a reminder, at the end of Issue #4 I gave my prediction about how it was all going to play out:

Looks like Damian’s going to the dark side for an issue or two, he’ll learn the error of his ways, he’ll come crawling right back to Bruce crying about how wrong he was, Bruce will jab him with an I-Told-You-So before they decide to team up as a real team and fight this villain. Respect will be earned both ways.

Well, none of that happened! Damian was faking it! Bruce had to go on a manhunt! Damian was the one who ended up killing the villain!

In short, I don’t know what to expect at all with the final installment. I’m horny with suspense!

Haha, what! Crazy.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “The Real Me”! “CAN YOU SEE THE REAL ME, DOCTOR? DOCTOR! CAN YOU SEE THE REAL ME, MAMA? MAMA!” In the previous installment, Robin agrees to do bad crimes with NoBody and now Bruce has to find his son to take him away from the big bad man. That’s about it. We saw some backstory about Morgan Ducard’s dad, Henri, but that’s boring and I won’t talk about it again!

Oh yeah, NoBody and Robin ambushed an embassy and now Robin is going to shoot an ambassador in the head. We’ll see if he does just that!

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [April, 2012]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“The Real Me”

“ABOVE THE SKIES OF GOTHAM… …DARK KNIGHT BATTLES DEMON SEED!” What’s this now? Who the shit is Demon Seed? Sounds like Evil Cum. That’s not very threatening…well, maybe it is.

Maybe it’s some really threatening evil cum.

Aaaannnnd, we pick up right where we left off: Robin pointing a gun at some poor little bitch’s head! And NoBody is trying to goad him into killing the ambassador by taunting him a little about still being Bruce Wayne’s daddy’s boy. “Show me you’re beyond his reach, Robin. Show me you TRULY understand.” NoBody demands as this ten-year-old is about to shoot a goddamned ambassador at the embassy for no real reason.

Robin brings the gun to the ambassador’s temple, point blank, and pulls the trigger.

When you get to Hell, tell the devil that I’m coming for him next.

As the smell of the ambassador’s poopy pants fills the room, Robin throws the gun down in disgust. “I’M NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES, DUCARD!” he whines like a child who showed up for no other reason than to play games and someone told him that he doesn’t get to play any games. Ducard claims that he isn’t playing games either, and then in the very next sentence tells him that this was a test to see how committed Robin was. That sounds like a game to me. And Robin won the game. So now Robin has Ducard’s trust, and they’ll haul the smelly ambassador over to some other location for questioning about his alleged “slave trading”. Ducard shows Robin how to incapacitate a motherfucker using only two fingers, and he lets Robin do the honors. Robin boinks the ambassador Three Stooges-style.

POK! Take that you hoser politician! Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Batman, meanwhile, is still combing the city looking for his estranged, troubled, murderous fruit of his loins. I don’t know why this kid is so hard to find, he found him quickly the first time. Didn’t Alfred put a tracker on the little whelp? Well, at any rate, Batman was able to pinpoint the embassy as Robin’s possible location so he gets some brownie points there, I suppose. Alfred briefs him that all the embassy’s security cameras are malfunctioning, so Batman takes this opportunity to plow right through the fucking window like he not only owns the place, but is happy to break the windows at the place he owns as well!

After busting into the embassy, Batman takes a moment to reminisce about the past again under the guise of telling the story to Damian…which we all know isn’t actually happening because he hasn’t found the kid yet! Stop telling the story, Bruce, it doesn’t count if he’s not there to hear it! Bah.

So we flashback to Bruce and Morgan training under Henri Ducard’s watch. Fighting, blindfolded weapon disassembly/reassembly, hiking through the woods, lectures from Henri Huggins himself, all for the purpose of taking down this Hassan terrorist kinda guy. They worked on tracking him all over the world as a unit of three, traipsing through deserts and riding big hulkin’ jeeps through sandstorms.

Take it all in, Bruce! Get to know the feces. Be one with the feces.

And, eventually, they track him down to a hotel room.

And what a SNOOOOZE of a story this is!

So, in an adjacent building, Bruce and Morgan stakeout and keep an eye on Hassan while Henri moves in on him. Morgan says that his old man has been waiting for this moment for years! Finally, he’s going to close the chapter on the Hassan Hunt!

“Ducard,” Bruce radios out to Henri, “Hassan’s going to the door. He’s got a gun.”
“Where exactly is he?” Henri asks.
“He’s at the peephole.” says Bruce.

POK!

BAM. And just like that, Hassan gets shot right through the head like a dumbass. Bruce finds this surprising. I guess he thought they were going to ask Hassan nicely to stop being a terrorist and then they would have a nice chat over tea? Instead he gets all pissy at Morgan, like he was duped into being involved with killing a terrorist. It’s very strange to me.

“What happened to seeing this evil bastard brought to justice and put on trial in front of the world court–I thought that was the goal, Morgan?!” Bruce spits at him. Look, Brucey, how can you be so smart and cunning and jacked and brave and jacked and resourceful and fearless and jacked and NOT know that this was the plan all along? You naive slut? Bruce strolls on out of there. Scruples! OHHH, BRUCE HAS HIS SCRUPLES ALL RIGHT! SCRUPLES OUT THE ASS, DUCARDS.

“Wayne’s a loose end that needs to be cut. See to it personally, son.” says Henri while taking a sexy drag from his cigarette.

And now, in a fight scene that is as clear as mud, Morgan attempts to snipe Bruce Wayne as he gets into a taxi. The bullet still hits him (?), Morgan thinks Bruce is dead, he heads down to his car and drives away, a cinder block crashes right through Morgan’s windshield, Bruce leaps down from above through the windshield (“MORRRGGAAAAN!”), Bruce grabs Morgan out of the car and throws him around for a bit. Eventually, Bruce throws Morgan’s broken body through Henri Ducard’s skylight, right on top of him while he sits at his desk doing bounty hunting desk work or whatever the hell Henri Ducard needs a desk for.

Lo’, there’s the story of how Bruce Wayne ended his relationship with the Ducards! What a great story that a) Damian still hasn’t heard, and b) wasn’t a fucking big deal of a story to begin with. Why didn’t he want to talk about this with Damian in the first place? So stupid.

We’re back at the embassy. Police have shown up, including Commissioner “Mustache Bandit” Gordon. Batman tells him that an ambassador was STOLEN from the BUILDING, and then Batman says “I’ll help you out but I’m gonna do other stuff too, BYE!” and leaves.

Gotham Harbor. NoBody has a secret Crime Boat where he’s got the ambassador ball-gagged so they can do Crimes on him. Using “truth serum” they were able to get “all they need” from the “ambassador” so they can “take apart his human trafficking system” within “a matter of days” and then they can all “go home” and enjoy their “Hungry Man Dinners”.

I remember this scene from Pulp Fiction!

As NoBody wraps up, he turns to Robin and goes “…so…did….uh…did your dad finally tell you about the time he almost killed someone?” and Robin says “you’re lying you old bag of horseshoes” and then NoBody goes “yeah well ‘fraid not, it was me, he almost did murders on me” and Robin says “you’re lying you stinky sack of dog bones” and then NoBody does “yuh-huh”. They go back and forth in this vein while the ambassador gets dangled over some lovely acid. Robin realizes that he’s standing next to an Olympic swimming pool-sized vat of acid and says “YOU’RE DUNKING HIM IN ACID!”, proving again that Robin’s a sharp little guy. Robin protests this barbaric behavior, and NoBody starts justifying his actions while attempting to subdue Robin with his special fancy pulse palms, but Robin is too quick. He shoots the fucker with his grappling hook.

NoBody goes berserk. Robin had activated a GPS, which NoBody noticed, and now Batman has a lock on Robin’s location. “I thought you were on MY side! But you BETRAYED me, just like HE did!” NoBody whines. Robin unveils that this was all an elaborate ruse this whole time! And NoBody, when he asks Robin why he’d throw away all that he was offered, Robin responds with “Because he’s my father, you idiot.”

Touching. Is that a tear in my eye?

NoBody isn’t going down without a fight. He uses the GPS to transmit a message to Batman. He tells him that Damian pulled the wool over both of their eyes, it seems. And since NoBody is all pissed off at this betrayal, he starts breaking Robin’s bones or something so that Batman can hear it.

Batman is displeased.

Final Thoughts

Morgan is fucked. Even if he pretended to hurt the little twerp over the GPS loudspeaker, Batman is still going to punch him so hard in the face that he’ll push Morgan’s teeth through his asshole.

And what the hell is Demon Seed? From the cover. That was never addressed! Oh well.

Shit’s going to get real. Two issues left! Stay tuned.