King Buffalo, Deerhoof, and Fucked Up

The reviews don’t stop just because it’s December, you silly old so-and-so you! Here are 2021 releases from King Buffalo, Deerhoof, and Fucked Up.


King Buffalo – The Burden of Restlessness
(June 4, 2021)

King Buffalo - The Burden of Restlessness

Unbeknownst to me, King Buffalo came out with an album this week! But I’m not here to talk about that one. I probably won’t listen to that one! I’m talking about the one that came out in June. That one is this one. The Burden of Restlessness. And let me tell you! Uhh….

Whoops! Sorry. End of year stupor. King Buffalo plays a version of stoner rock that involves more thoughtful introspection and less Monster Magnet “I fucked your mom” beefy machoism or Electric Wizard “I’m on fucking drugs, maaan” psychedelic nightmares. The Burden of Restlessness, specifically, was recorded during pandemic lockdown and covers many of the ensuing mental health crises inherent in living day-to-day through such a sorry state of affairs. Lots of aggression, depression, anger, and hopelessness in these 40 minutes. You don’t often hear these themes paired with sludgy, heavy, slow desert rock, but it works incredibly well.

The mood is set right away by Sean McVay yelling “Another year lost in the wasteland!” during the choruses. Just a lot of sad-sack Covid isolation shit. Musically it’s all very obviously dour, drawing on the slow, pensive, even progressive moods of mopey metal like Evergrey or Fates Warning. Hella Steven Wilson vibes at times; track two “Hebetation” delivers lines like “Every night I dream a million different ways for me to die” with uncanny Porcupine Tree melancholy. Sometimes, the attempts to pep things up come across as willfully sardonic and incredulous. “Silverfish” shows this with playful, tip-toeing synth notes in the intro before the guitar takes over.

But, throughout, you can’t help but feel this sadness seep into every fiber of your own being. And I like that. It’s not all chick fuckin’ and mustache rides and getting high at the Grand Canyon with King Buffalo. Sometimes you just have to let shit be real. Now that I can identify with.

Early Verdict:


Deerhoof – Actually, You Can
(October 22, 2021)

Deerhoof - Actually, You Can

For every year I progress through this unpredictable shithole of a life on this unpredictable shithole of a stupid planet in this unpredictable shithole of a stupid universe, I can always seek solace from the fact that Deerhoof will never, ever change. Going at it for almost 30 years, they are still as prolific as ever, churning out the goods with no signs of stopping anytime soon. This year finds the band releasing their 18th studio album Actually, You Can. It’s a Deerhoof album! Just like all the others!

There’s no real point in going over specifics; if you like the band then you’ll enjoy this album, if you don’t like the band then you won’t. There’s no middle ground. Cerebral arrangements played messily, overflowing with the kind of noisy indie whimsy that Deerhoof basically invented, and topped off with Satomi Matsuzaki’s inanely charming vocals. It’s a formula that worked from the beginning, thanks to the band’s distinct musical thumbprint and their ability to maintain its consistency as they enter their fourth decade.

They still sound like a young band, as playful and off-the-wall as they were in the ’90s. Even if their most vital era is far behind them, you gotta give them credit for knowing themselves better than a lot of other aging bands in any genre. I may not get excited for new releases, but knowing that Deerhoof is still out there making music is comforting to me.

Early Verdict:


Fucked Up – Year of the Horse
(May 7, 2021)

Fucked Up - Year of the Horse

Oh my god, what a monster of a release this is. Broken up into four 20ish-minute acts (each separately released in four monthly installments), it all comes together as the 1.5 hour Year of the Horse. The most ambitious release from the band yet in an already ambitious discography. It truly is Fucked Up’s Tales from Topographic Oceans in many ways, and I think you’d either love it to death or want to kill it with acid.

It would be impossible to speak of this album concisely; it deserves the full album review treatment some day. Damian Abraham’s throaty hardcore punk vocals are the only familiar holdover from previous incarnations of the band, everything else is a total progressive rock/metal worship venture. “Act One” takes you through lengthy passages of pummeling, hypnotically heavy riffs and passes through corridors of mossy, prog-folk whimsy. “Act Two” takes you through psychedelic stoner garage rock and passes through corridors of piano-driven drones layered with Animal Collective-style wall-of-sound vocals, and then corridors of echoey Ennio Morricone spaghetti western guitar jangles, raw and brassy trumpet solos, and plenty of whistling. “Act Three” leads you down a path of extended warbly space rock with ethereal Meg White-meets-Bjork singing and incredible string arrangements. “Act Four” greets you at the door with a trumpet fanfare before launching into some speed metal, a cheesy weirdo shuffle with synthesized glissandos, and then some proggy piano balladry. And much more. So much more.

It’s unbelievable how many ideas are packed into this thing. I don’t even want to get into the storyline, I could end up writing a whole book right here. This is a literal symphony. A literal opera. Oh god, I’m tingling. Help.

Early Verdict:

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Meet the Enforcers”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Learning Curve storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Meet the Enforcers”! In the previous installment, J. Jonah Jameson’s never-ending quest for pictures of Spider-Man is sated when young Peter Parker delivers the goods! Jameson even gets him a job at the Daily Bugle, but not as a Spider-Man Picture Taker but as a Website Man. Parker uses the Daily Bugle database to try to find info about his uncle’s murderer, but gets sidetracked within 18 nanoseconds after learning about a New York City crime boss named Wilson Fisk – “The Kingpin”, as it were, who I already heard a lot about from my first foray into Daredevil. Parker has a new mission now: take down the kingpin.

Oh, Peter Parker. Haven’t you ever watched The Wire? The king stay the king! The game is the game. RIP Omar.


Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [July, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Meet the Enforcers”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9

A group of three gangster-type street toughs are loitering on a secluded side of a building talking about taking down, of all things, a McDonald’s, because one of them “doesn’t like the place” and is “sick of looking at it all the time”. The other two give him shit for this, and the third guy confesses that he applied for a job there in high school and they turned him down! One of these guys looks like Squiggy in a pinstripe suit, one guy looks like he’s in a high school production of one of the Indiana Jones movies (the shittiest one), and one guy looks like if Mr. Clean signed for the WWE just so he could sit on Hulk Hogan a few times. “Do you know what the Kingpin would do if you went and knocked over a Mickey Dee’s without his thumbs-up?” the third-rate Harrison Ford one asks. Oh boy! Are we gonna meet the Kingpin??

Maybe not! Because these three haven’t either (one claims he has, but he’s probably fucking lying), and if these stellar examples of organized crime haven’t even met the Kingpin, what makes you think that YOU and I are going to meet the Kingpin? We’re not even fit to watch Kingpin starring the cuddly Randy Quaid and the other guy. Where was I?

As these three chatty Cathys start dropping Kingpin tidbits, Spider-Man is spying on them from above on the rooftop. Shortly after the three of them enter the building, Spider-Man SWINGS into action!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Oh man, what a comedian. A regular Sarah Spiderman.

Spider-Man gives them all a free show. He leaps and bounds and kicks off the walls and does flips and cartwheels! A real treat! Spider-Man already knows who these three are! Ox! Montana! “Fancy Dan” Crenshaw! THE ENFORCERS! And we met them! We met the Enforcers! Story’s over!

Huff. OK, so they all get into a tussle. Turns out, wimpy little 95-pound Spider-Man is not really a match for these three. The Indiana Jones gangster literally has a bullwhip, and he wraps it around Spider-Man’s pencil neck, so Spider-Man pretty much loses the fight right there. Indiana Jones is apprehensive about keeping him around, but the giant Mr. Clean guy wearing the “OX” necklace wants to “have some fun with him”, which sounds a little rapey and it probably is! Before Ox gets the chance to put the seductive rape moves on him, Spider-Man leaps out of the way (bullwhip still choking the air out of his stupid little body) and slams Indiana Jones into Ox. He then shoots them with spider cum.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Haha, lol. Money shot.

Then he throws Fantastic Sam or whatever his name is into the other two. Once these three scallywags have been subdued, Spider-Man asks them to take him to the Kingpin. “Well, why didn’t you say so?” says a fourth guy who just popped in, dressed in a suit and a hat like fucking Sam Spade or some shit. This cigarette smoking guy starts mocking his plan. “See, just because we work in his territory doesn’t mean we get to hang with him. This isn’t his clubhouse.” Then he nudges him with a little secret about the Kingpin: if Spider-Man really wants to get in touch with him, if he really wants to get his attention, find something he wants and/or loves and keep it away from him. He hates that! He’s like a puppy or a child or something! Adorable!

Humphrey Bogart then tells him that Fisk is throwing a gala event at his office on Friday, and it’s something that will be very important for his future. Spider-Man asks him why he’s telling him this. “Just because we have to work for him doesn’t mean we have to have his best interests at heart.” Yeah, and that’s how Big Pussy got whacked! Big Pussy! He got whacked! Big Pussy! Just like that! Big Pussy!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9

The truth is out there.

At this moment, FBI’s very own Scully and Mulder crash their way into the room. They recognize the Spidered One and call for backup. Spider-Man poops his pants for the tenth time since this series began and struggles to squirm his way out of this mess. “Hands in the air…I MEAN IT!” yells Scully, aiming her gun right at his chest. After a few tense character reaction panels, Spider-Man does a backflip. “Oh man, look at the time. I’m going to miss my train.” he says, bounding away lavishly. He gets away quite easily.

The next morning, the Daily Bugle headline reads “SPIDER-MAN: MOB MENACE”. Peter Parker is both sad and pissed. “All I ever did in my short super hero life was help people — and look at this.” Parker moans glumly. Then he weighs the facts: he broke into private property and started a fight for no reason. Whoopsy-daisy!

In the school cafeteria, Kong is being Kong again and spinning yarns the way Spider-Man spins his webs. “So, like, Spider-Man busted up the mafia last night. It was so jake!” he says like a lame 1920s prohibition supporter. Parker is sitting a few chairs away grinning like a fucking monkey, but some girl at the table screams “ENOUGH WITH SPIDER-MAN ALREADY! ENOUGH!” and starts sobbing. Most of Kong’s crew takes her side, much to his complete surprise. He probably thinks everyone else also bought 40 Spider-Man shirts at Spencer’s Gifts. It’s unclear at this time what the problem is, but it’s implied that Spider-Man might be doing more harm than good in the eyes of some of his peers. WE SHALL SEE!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9

OK! Sounds good. How about “Big Titty Honkers 4”?

MJ pops in overflowing with hormones and nervously asks Parker out to a movie on Friday night. HOWEVER, and man does this keep happening or what, Humphrey Bogart back at the shitty gangster building told him that Fisk’s gala was on Friday! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! So he suggests Saturday instead, which stirs up MJ reeeeaal suspicious-like. But she gets over it. Just like how Parker is going to get over MJ on Saturday. Wink wink. Hubba hubba. Awooogah.

Next we see Parker at the Daily Bugle dressed in a puke-green short-sleeved button-down and a burgundy tie like he’s Dwight Schrute. He accosts a particularly grumpy J. Jonah Jameson about the negative Spider-Man stories. When Parker asks him if they could present the Spider-Man story with a more well-rounded perspective, Jameson starts schooling the little punk about journalism. People don’t care about the truth! They want intrigue! A good guy and a bad guy, “they want to cheer and they want to boo”. Parker is salty!

PUT ON YOUR FANCY BOUTONNIERES AND YOUR LACY PUMPS, IT’S TIME FOR “SLOPPY” WILSON FISK’S BUTTFUCKING FRIDAY NIGHT GALA! And what a nicely-dressed fat hunk of shit he is! All dolled up in some horrible tent-sized white suit. He’s about 900 feet tall and his poops probably weigh more than ten Spider-Men. Anyway, Parker did his Fisk homework so now he’s ready to ambush him at his own event.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9

How come all these costumed heroes and villains only scale buildings during a full moon? That’s only a three-day window per month!

Spider-Man talks us through his breaking-and-entering crime, a series of actions that will likely land him with another frowny headline. “SPIDER-MAN: FISKY BUSINESS” lol

When he spots a camera glinting in the dark corner of the room, he realizes that, perhaps, he had made another mistake…

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9

Squeeze that fucker’s head like a grape!

Final Thoughts

Peter Parker, you twiggy little dumbass! I thought you were supposed to be smart! You were in Fisk’s building for all of 15 seconds, you horrible loser! I hope he crushes your stupid oval head like the fragile egg that it is.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7 – “Driven”

* Part 7 of 8 of the Born to Kill storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7 – “Driven”! In the previous installment, we finally get the whole Bruce-Wayne-Morgan-Ducard-Fallout backstory and it’s not that exciting! Bruce Wayne was duped into helping murder a known terrorist, and instead of being sniped by Morgan he instead almost murders Morgan. This is the story he never wanted to tell Damian. How very scandalous.

Meanwhile, the ambassador was kidnapped and tortured for information. As he’s getting dunked into acid, Robin activates a GPS to let Batman know his location and then reveals that his loyalty to NoBody was a ruse the entire time. This pisses off NoBody, who starts beating Robin so that Batman can hear through the GPS.

Batman is not happy. Morgan Ducard is going to fucking bite the curb.


Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7 [May, 2012]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Driven”

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7

KRAK! “And that was the sound of your son’s fingers fracturing.” says NoBody. Batman is on his way to find Robin via the GPS tracker, and as he’s making his way there NoBody is allegedly torturing Robin so that Batman can hear every sound. Robin isn’t yelling or screaming or anything, which leaves me suspicious, but this is a comic book! You can’t hear comic books! Unless you flip the pages really fast, then it’s like “fwip”.

THREE MILES TO TARGET” chirps the GPS. Why, that’s still so far away! Ducard NoBody has time to break half of Robin’s brittle little bones by the time Batman gets there! He can even break the little ones in his ears! In the background, the ambassador is halfway dunked in the acid. “Do what you need to do, Father!” yells Robin with the clarity of someone whose bones aren’t getting broken at all, methinks.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7

Fuck his ass up, sir!

Batman is chasing him down in his Batmobile, and I guess the Batmobile can fly? NoBody continues to taunt Batman through the GPS, letting him know that he’s going to “leave Robin broken and bloody just like you left me that day in England”. How very poetic, except not really because it would have to be Henri Ducard breaking Robin’s fingers for it to be a matching scenario. Oh well, the cleverness was almost there at least.

Right before NoBody grabs Robin’s chest and liquifies his organs into liquid paste with his super cool soundwave gloves, Batman crashes his Batmobile right through the motherfucking ROOF of the boat, bitch! “YOU TRY TO MURDER MY SON — AND EXPECT TO LIVE?!” Batman yells furiously, taking time to cloak the front of himself with his cape in a menacingly intimidating pose. And NoBody just kinda shrugs and says “yeah, kinda, actually”. And then Batman says “NOOO!” and throws his bat boomerangs at him. lol

Batman launches at NoBody and starts tearing his ass up a bit. When NoBody tries to launch his sound waves at him, Batman tells him that he modified his suit to handle his attacks. I can’t tell what happens next very well, but it looks like NoBody stabs Batman in the back with six razor-sharp daggers that he had hooked around his fingers? I dunno.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7

It’s a tale as old as time. It’s called “being born”.

As Batman and NoBody fight, NoBody loudly betrays his deep daddy-issue insecurities (oh wow, the running theme). “Morgan disappeared the day you threw me across Ducard’s table like a piece of garbage! In my father’s eyes I was dead after you beat me — I was nothing — I was nobody!”

Why wouldn’t Batman use those words against him? What’s with these villains just speaking out loud their deepest shames to their mortal enemies? Batman tells him that he’s still an insecure little boy trying to please his father. “YOU STOLE MY FATHER, SO I’M STEALING YOUR SON. QUID PRO QUO.” NoBody says, taking a moment to display his dead language knowledge while he slashes Batman’s cheeks with his dual-wield NoBody Blades.

“The world doesn’t need a ‘Batman’, it needs a ‘Nobody’! It’s always been a nobody who rises from the masses to make things right!” NoBody says triumphantly, not aware of just how absolutely, horrifically lame that really sounds. “And it always takes a somebody…TO SHOW THEM THEY’RE WRONG!” Batman retorts, really letting NoBody have it with a full-page spread headbutt to the bread basket. Then he hoists NoBody up over his head and fuckin’ tosses him right into the vat of acid. He even submerges his arm in there to hold him down. Some splashes up into his face, so he unmasks.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7

Nickelodeon has gotten way more brutal with their slime in the last couple of decades, huh?

He and Robin lock eyes. Robin looks numb. Bruce looks exhausted.

Finally, Bruce hoists NoBody out of the acid before it kills him (even though, uh, acid kinda keeps working even if you’re covered in it still, but ok). “Let’s get the hell out of here, Damian.” he says. They share a touching moment.

*burp*

“Did you think I betrayed you, Father?” asks Robin. Bruce says no…and then admits kinda yes. The boat is still sinking, as it has been since a goddamned Batmobile crashed through it, so the next step is to figure a way out. Morgan is currently shackled to a rolling lab cart. While Bruce goes over the plan to escape, dump Morgan off with the harbor patrol, get back to the Batcave, debrief with Alfred, Morgan surreptitiously threatens to kill Robin and his family. This doesn’t sit well with Robin, and before Bruce can truly stop the little lad, Robin gives Morgan the ol’ one-two-buckle-my-shoe! Some real poetic justice, finally! He delivers a lethal blow between the eyes, the very move that Morgan taught him when Robin crossed over to the dark side.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #7

This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a “POK-SLARK”.

He, in fact, hits him so hard that most of his hand is embedded in Morgan’s skull. Gross!

Final Thoughts

One issue left! The denouement, as it were! Lots of action in this one, lots of full-page artistic flexing. The next one will be the cool-down, the heart-to-heart, the realization that some real shit will go down now, and it’s only the beginning.

Perhaps.

But hey, twists everywhere, right? As a reminder, at the end of Issue #4 I gave my prediction about how it was all going to play out:

Looks like Damian’s going to the dark side for an issue or two, he’ll learn the error of his ways, he’ll come crawling right back to Bruce crying about how wrong he was, Bruce will jab him with an I-Told-You-So before they decide to team up as a real team and fight this villain. Respect will be earned both ways.

Well, none of that happened! Damian was faking it! Bruce had to go on a manhunt! Damian was the one who ended up killing the villain!

In short, I don’t know what to expect at all with the final installment. I’m horny with suspense!

Haha, what! Crazy.

2021 Year-End List Analysis – Pitchfork’s Top 50

Pitchfork

This guy right here has told you what to like and not like for the last 25 years.

Here it is, the only list that anyone really cares about anyway. Let’s just get it out of the way now. Continuing my series of year-end list analyses that I started last week with the Quietus’ Top 100, here’s my similar Pitchfork writeup. The Tastemaker! The publication that put Radiohead on the map with their perfect-10 OK Computer and Kid A reviews from the turn of the millennium. Or perhaps those albums put Pitchfork on the map? Either way you slice it, their relevance 20 years ago was astoundingly important for independent and fringe rock music, and their relevance today is shaped entirely by their relevant past. The smoldering embers of their actual past relevance still burns brighter than the rest of the publications today do combined. Still. To this day. Everyone complains about Pitchfork being washed-up, but people still talk about Pitchfork anyway. It doesn’t matter how washed-up they get, they’re finding new ways to be talked about no matter what they do.

Enough of my inane rambling, good god! Embarrassing! Condé Nast, the notoriously mainstream corporate-minded mass media company, acquired Pitchfork in late 2015. Ever since then, their year-end lists have a had an unmistakable, odious funk of blatant pandering to popular opinion. Some may say that the opinion of the publication as a whole had started gravitating toward the safer options for favorable criticism: Taylor Swift, Lana del Ray, Lil Uzi Vert, Solange, Tyler, the Creator, the kind of music that they normally, historically, wouldn’t touch otherwise. I DISAGREE! They’ve always been this way. Kanye West, Drake, Lil Wayne, Charli XCX, the Flaming Lips, I could go on. I think there are just MORE new artists emerging these days than there ever have before, and people start to feel out of touch when they see too many new names pop up on any official “MUSIC YOU GOTTA KNOW GODDAMNIT” type roundup.

I will say this, though: 2021 is the first year in about five years where I feel like the Pitchfork year-end list isn’t a carbon copy of twelve other publications’ lists with the top 15 slightly rearranged. I’ll go one step further: 2021 is the first year in about five years where I feel like EVERY year-end list isn’t a carbon copy of everyone else’s lists with the top 15 slightly rearranged. So, for right now, I’m guardedly giving Pitchfork the benefit of the doubt, but I think it’s just been a very strong and varied year for music in general. Plenty of artists got their post-Covid lockdown musical epiphanies and it has shown through in spades this year.

Here’s the list: Pitchfork’s “The 50 Best Albums of 2021”. Here are the points I feel compelled to jot down on my shitty blog:

The Top 10

Jazmine Sullivan - Heaux Tales

Meh.

Yeah, I suppose I don’t have anything to completely rage over like some Reddit incel about the top ten. The Weather Station at #7 is surprising; I predicted that they’d be a lock for #1 this year, considering that it matched Floating Points / Pharoah Sanders for the highest score of 2021 with a 9.0. Plus, ever since 2016 when Solange was the first woman to secure the top spot in a decade (and skipping the Kendrick Lamar circlejerk of 2017), Pitchfork has given the honor to a woman every year since: Mitski in 2018, Lana Del Rey in 2019, Fiona Apple in 2020, and now Jazmine Sullivan in 2021. I think The Weather Station was the predictable option this year, and I’m relieved that they aimed to surprise this time.

I don’t think that Heaux Tales is anything that special anyway, though! Weird pick for #1, but if they were gonna stick with a woman this year then it was as good a choice as any, I suppose Underwhelming, though. I would’ve gone with Black Dresses! The other top ten picks are a diverse grab bag at least, with no blatant genre repeats whatsoever, and nothing that stands out stupidly overrated.

That Playboi Carti album, though? The one at #9? The one that was released in 2020? That’s fucking dumb of them.

Pitchfork’s #15: Snail Mail – Valentine

Snail Mail - Valentines

Feh.

Pitchfork was all over this lady’s debut in 2018, and they were similarly all over this lady this year as well, so placing Valentine at #15 seems uncharacteristically low. By comparison, her debut Lush was #5 on Pitchfork’s 2018 list. Snail Mail could have been a contender for the publication to round out their top three with a trifecta of disparate female solo artists, but alas! Hell, even Japanese Breakfast beat her out at #14, and they didn’t even give Japanese Breakfast a “Best New Music” distinction!

Other than, yeah, 22-year-old Lindsey Jordan sounds like a 45-year-old woman singing a style reminiscent of a time before she was even born, I don’t fully understand the collective mass indie appeal for her music. She has all the building blocks of an indie darling: focused, honest lyrics, consistency to a fault, a great voice, a complex open-book emotional presentation, yada yada yada, but I’ve heard Valentine eight times and there’s not much I can find to take away from it except for the catchy title track. I just wish there was more diversity. There are plenty of other albums that came out this year that scratch the same itch for me, but better! JAPANESE BREAKFAST! WOLF ALICE! TORRES!

And that’s my dumbass two cents!

No Metal

Carcass - Torn Arteries

A heart made out of vegetables? Come on, that’s high art!

No metal! NO METAL! Once upon a time, Pitchfork used to embrace a few token metal bands per year. Sunn O))), Deafheaven, Mastodon, Kylesa, and many others, have all made the list in the past. The last album that made a Pitchfork year-end list was Blood Incantation’s overrated 2019 death metal album Hidden History of the Human Race.

So what do I think would be appropriate for an upstanding indie rag such as this? The Converge / Chelsea Wolfe collaboration from a few weeks ago was pretty good, but Pitchfork didn’t like it! Carcass! Torn Arteries! They could’ve been all over that one, the classic stalwart death metal band that keeps churning out the goods? How about King Woman, the female-fronted post-metal outfit, with their solid sophomore effort? Perfect! How about I’ve Seen All I Need to See, the January release from the noisy, industrial experimental band The Body? All excellent, easy choices. All adequate picks for the clean-cut hipster edge needed to fit the bill.

But no, I guess there’s no place for headbangin’ in the COVID world. Sad!

Notable Omissions

Taylor Swift

Sorry, Taylor. Gotta be more swift next time.

BESIDES THE METAL??! All right, so when it comes to Pitchfork the only “notable omissions” that you can hold them to are any albums that they flagged with the coveted “Best New Music” award in a review. Usually, this is any album that achieves an arbitrary score of 8.2 or higher. There are certainly many albums that DON’T get Best New Music and end up on the list anyway. That’s fairly common, it happens every year. The highest ranked album this year is Jubilee at #14, from the aforementioned Japanese Breakfast, which got a 7.8. Even rarer, though, is the reverse situation, where Best New Music winners are completely absent. Here are the albums that got Best New Music but didn’t crack the Top 50 in 2021:

Taylor Swift – Red (Taylor’s Version)
Granted, this is a rerecording of an existing album in order for Swift to reclaim rights to it, but Pitchfork treated it like a new album instead of new reissue and slapped an 8.5 score on it. Maybe it was their way of sucking Taylor Swift’s dick while still adhering to a possible policy that a rerecording wasn’t eligible? It happened with Car Seat Headrest’s Twin Fantasy rerecording too a few years back. Still curious, though, these jobbers love Big Swifty.

Arca – KicK iii
Again, a technicality. Arca dropped four albums in four days during the week after Thanksgiving. Still though, KicK iii was available on December 1st and Pitchfork’s list went out on December 7th. Plenty of time to add it in, right? It’s not like that one year when Baroness dropped Purple right before Christmas and they were like “oh shit” and added it to their BEST METAL ALBUMS consolation page. Still a weird oversight. Maybe they’ll include it in the 2022 list since they obviously have no problem adding albums from other years to the list *cough* Playboi Carti *cough* *cough* *wheeze*. Try putting your list out at the END of the year and maybe this won’t happen, dumbfucks.

Iceage – Seek Shelter
Yeah, this was a straight-up snub. Best New Music in May with an 8.3, not on the list. However, I thought this album was an absolute turd so maybe they wised up. Good. Every single one of Iceage’s albums have gotten a terrific score and half of them are unwarranted. HOWEVER, if you are an Iceage fan, seek solace from the fact that Pitchfork included it in their 31 Best Rock Albums of 2021 “whoops we forgot” consolation page! Typically, a year has at least a small handful of Best New Music albums that don’t make it. Iceage being the only legitimate Best New Music omission of 2021 is very hilarious to me! Merry Christmas!

So That’s It?

Yeah, bitch, that’s it. I don’t write finales.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “Working Stiff”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Learning Curve storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “Working Stiff”! And so begins a new story arc of an established Loneliness & Cheeseburgers feature! We left off from the previous issue in a state of befuddlement and uncertainty! An epic battle at the school between Spider-Man and the Green Goblin ended with the Green Goblin jumping off a fucking bridge and into the water below! Harry Osborne suspects that it’s his father seeking revenge on somebody for some reason! Peter Parker feels bad for Harry, and too wonders what happened to Norman Osborne and if it’s related to Peter’s newfound powers. Peter suspects the Green Goblin is dead, but Issue #7 ended with a close-up of the bubbly water below!

I can only imagine what kind of hijinks will happen in this new storyline! Does “Working Stiff” refer to a penis that will bone MJ? Whose penis will it be? Oh boy! I can’t wait!


Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [June, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Working Stiff”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #8

These Ultimate Spider-Man comic book covers sure leave a lot to be desired so far. With only an exception or two, it’s all been Spider-Man in generic, provocative poses or swinging around on his ropey spider cum webs. The covers aren’t telling me what to expect! I want the fucking cover to SPOIL THE STORY for me, damnit! Why should I have to read the contents to know what happens?? I’m not made of time!

The opening scene shows a grinning bad guy with the kind of sunglasses they give you at the optometrist after they dilate your pupils. He is attempting to rob an armored “Krink’s” security truck when SPIDER-MAN SWOOPS IN TO SAVE THE DAY!

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! But he does swoop in to save the day, so that part was correct. He does it with ease too, like he’s been doing this for almost seven issues now! After stopping the bad guy, the armored truck guards think that now Spider-Man is the one robbing them. They offer him big bags of money with dollar signs on them. Now, obviously Spider-Man has his scruples and he’s clearly a better man than I, because I probably would’ve taken just ONE bag of money, but Spider-Man does some flips away from the scene.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Kong lifts two fingers in the universal symbol for “I’m gon’ lick that pussy”.

Spider-Man’s big triumph is the talk of the school the next morning! With hushed voices in the library, Flash Thompson’s pussy haha I mean posse talks about the heroic event. Kong regrets not being at the scene, because there have been mutterings around the city that a certain newspaper being run by a certain Spider-Man-crazed editor-in-chief is offering BOOKOO bucks if he gets BEAUCOUP photos of the spidery little nerd. Peter Parker overhears all this with a wicked glint in his eye, and later we see him decked out as Spider-Man staging his own photoshoot in a back alley somewhere. “Why shouldn’t I get a little bling bling off this whole superhero thing I got goin’ on?” he says, posing for some action shots with an anime smile in his eyes. And, of course, he reminds the audience of his altruistic intentions to give the money to Aunt May. How about you rob a Krink’s truck instead, doofus?

Parker shows up at the Daily Bugle dressed quite smartly in a crisp, magenta button-down and a blue plaid tie, positively beaming with wonky-eyed enthusiasm! The place is bustling with activity in a way that a real news building probably never actually ever is. J. Jonah Jameson is chewing out a journalist for having the audacity to provide him with non-Spider-Man stories! This is a newspaper! We report the news here at the newspaper! Spider-Man is news! Nothing else is news!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Look what my brother found in a box in the woods! But I have to bring it back home, ok?

As the writers start complaining that Spider-Man is too elusive, they catch Parker in the hallway grinning and seductively holding up crystal clear shots of the local celebrity crime-buster. Jameson starts grilling Parker about how he got these photos, starts rifling through them with disdain over the picture quality ready to shove this kid on his ass back outside, but then he finds one that makes him cream his J. Jonah Jameson Jeans. He offers Parker $50 for it, and Parker was just about ready to shove this guy on his ass back outside when one of the copy editors has an issue with the paper’s website that she shouldn’t be tasked with working on because she’s, and I quote, “not a freakin’ web designer”. BUT GUESS WHO IS? Parker throws out some Year 2001 computer knowledge on their collective cornholes. Jameson offers him a job at the Daily Bugle. Looks like we got a regular Clark Kent on our hands, folks.

That night, Parker has an Uncle Ben nightmare where Uncle Ben gets murdered (spoiler alert). Get over it.

Parker has trouble concentrating at school the next day, probably because the teacher is giving abstruse classwork instructions like “design a poster that identifies the voting practices in your home country of Nationality”. He hatches an idea to use the Daily Bugle’s database to search for the identity of Uncle Ben’s murderer. In his research, he discovers a New York City crime boss named Wilson Fisk. After asking a coworker why no one seems to be going after this kingpin, his coworker basically tells him “Look, Sparky, ain’t no motherfucking way that anyone’s going after the motherfucking kingpin. Idiot.” Well, looks like Spider-Man is going to go after the motherfucking kingpin.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #8

In other words, “go fuck yourself, pint-size”.

Final Thoughts, For Reals This Time

The end here seems like a drastic shift into a who-cares bunch of nothing. Suddenly Peter Parker cares about some sort of crime boss that he didn’t know about 10 minutes ago? YOUR UNCLE’S MURDERER STILL ROAMS FREE. DIPSHIT. GRRR. Come on, Parker, focus. Take your ritalin.

I like the idea that Parker will eventually take a picture of Spider-Man wearing nothing but his mask, a gold chain, and a codpiece. Jameson’s gonna give him a corner office.