My Half-Baked Thoughts

If Entourage didn’t exist, I would consider Sons of Anarchy one of the most well-known fragile-masculinity small-dick-energy shows on modern TV. A group of fuckin’ tough guys that not only comprise a motorcycle club, but a gun-running motorcycle club, that isn’t very inconspicuous about their presence or their crimes in Charming, California. Now, I’m not going to pretend that this is my world whatsoever or that I can speak intelligently about it at all, but aren’t biker gangs usually just a bunch of immature bullies with ego issues who haven’t emotionally graduated from high school? Don’t they just drink and pick fights and ride their loud, oinky hogs and get mad at Priuses? SAMCRO has meetings and they go on secret missions and they kill people with little repercussions, able to outsmart ATF agents while deftly maintaining their macho exteriors! Every episode is the same: the gang gets into a really fucked up situation, they convene for ideas on how to get out of the really fucked up situation, they get out of the really fucked up situation with barely a hitch, the bad guys are thwarted, and the good guys ride away, and Jax visits his son in the NICU.

What the fuck is this shit? I’d rather watch Hellboy.

On that note, I enjoyed it ok! When I watched Season 1 the first time I hated Jax. He seemed like some dumb pretty boy who says stupid shit, and instead of Ron Perlman whacking him in the back of the head he’ll entertain and humor his stupid shit. How did that doofus get to be Vice President of the SAMCRO California charter, anyway? Whose hog did he have to suck to earn that title, HUH? He didn’t annoy me as much the second time around, mostly because I appreciated his level-headed stoicism under pressure. And there’s always a lot of pressure. It’s mostly self-inflicted, though. It must be very nice to be part of a club where they all hug and love each other like a real brotherhood one minute and then burn the tattoo off your back with a blowtorch if they don’t like you the next minute.

The characters as individuals? Maybe it gets better, but most of the gang is completely interchangeable. 13 whole episodes and I don’t even know half their names! Besides Jax and Clay, there’s the Scottish guy, the fat guy, the crazy guy, the nice skinhead, the old guy with an oxygen tank, and the trainee. Somebody is named “Juice”, and there’s a guy named “Tig”, and Opie has a beard!

We’re the Rough Boys and we’re here to fuck up your shit!

Katey Sagal plays a pretty good “I’ll do anything for muh family” stone-cold biker bitch. You can tell that Gemma was even more dangerous in her prime, and probably the only person who can turn Clay into a sniveling pile of mopey goo. She hates anyone who dares to get involved with her stupid son even if they literally love him, which is kind of a momma’s-boy turnoff. But hey, she’s like a combination of Leela and Peg Bundy for reasons I can’t articulate! You can’t go wrong with that!

Maggie Siff as Tara? Who cares!

Enough with the cast, how about the story arcs? The Mayans burning down SAMCRO’s gun storage warehouse kicks everything off and it couldn’t be less compelling. I’m glad that they lost their primary source of income, maybe these freeloaders can find some honest work once in a while. Jax’s ex-wife, Adriana from The Sopranos, has an overdose while pregnant and the hospital cuts out her premature son. They name him ABEL. Abel, as in, the fratricidal brother? One that can’t be trusted? That’s a pretty ballsy baby name in a show about the sanctity of brotherhood! Jax finding his father’s memoirs that makes him question the decisions he made in his own life as well as questions the motives of the club? Oh man, could I not give less of a shit? I enjoyed every moment where Jax was like “YEAH, BUT, HOW ABOUT WE TRY THIS WITHOUT KILLING ANYBODY” and the rest of the group stared at him like he squatted and took a giant dump in one their beer mugs. Gemma needed Clay to nip that shit in the bud, but Clay was very bad at nipping anything in the bud. The only thing Clay was useful for was delegating, and he barely even did that.

I didn’t find anything particularly interesting until they introduced Tara’s stalker, a former (older) boyfriend Joshua Kohn played by Dutch from The Shield. Disturbingly good at playing a realistic creep violating a restraining order, his scene where he basically tries to rape Tara was very uncomfortable. It was the only time in the whole season where I actually rooted for Jax, when he blew Kohn’s head off. I was like “fuck yeah” as I raised my glass of root beer to the TV (that didn’t actually happen).

Donna dies. Spoiler alert!

The other story arc that I enjoyed was Opie’s inclusion back into the club after his release from prison. He was torn between the club and his family for most of the season for good reason: he was flat buh-roke. Too bad that Clay and Tig decided that Opie was a rat. Too bad they didn’t have any real evidence for it at all before they decided to accidentally shoot Opie’s wife in the back of the head. Too bad the aftermath was just all “oops we fucked up tee hee”. I felt bad for Opie. He’s a family man who fell into the wrong crowd and he’ll continue to run with a wrong crowd and, you know what, Opie’s an idiot. Never mind.

Worth the Watch?

Am I gonna watch Season 2? Sure. I don’t know why, exactly. I’m not interested in bikers or their illegal dick-measuring clubs or the kind of trashy crime this all entails!

But I’ll watch it anyway. I don’t like leaving things unfinished and that Jax is a fine piece of sweaty, dirty-haired, peach-fuzzed, uneducated ass. Oh boy, son!

Director Skinner! You’ve changed!