Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4 – “The Devil’s Distaff”

* Part 4 of 8 of the Guardian Devil storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4 (Legacy Issue #384) – “The Devil’s Distaff”! In the previous installment, Old Man Macabes pays AIDSy Karen Page a visit to tell her, just like he told Murdock, that the antichrist baby is ruining her life and she should work on killing it sometime soon. Right now! Do it!

A really big thing happened with respect to the law firm, too. Foggy’s affair with Lydia McKenzie turned south when she, out of nowhere, turned into some green monster, slashed his face up, leaped through a window, turned back into Lydia McKenzie, and fell to her death! So now Foggy’s been charged with murder, and Rosalind Sharpe, Foggy’s own mother, the first name on the Sharpe, Nelson and Murdock law firm, wants to cut ties with her own son in order to save the firm’s name. Murdock is not happy with this and intends to clear Foggy’s name.

BUT, he can’t, because he was captured as Daredevil by some demon-y thugs and then the issue ended with Daredevil stumbling onto the rainy street into the path of the oncomic truck!

Needless to say, there’s a lot of drama going on right now.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4 (Legacy Issue #384) [February, 1999]
Written by: Kevin Smith
“The Devil’s Distaff”

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [#384]

Good thing we don’t address the drama right away, though! The issue begins with some fond reminiscing from some unknown fourth-wall-breaking entity about Murdock waking up in the hospital after losing his dang eyeballs. The super radioactive eyeball-melting substance gave him other heightened sense, which we already fucking KNO-O-O-O-OWWW, goddamnit. One of those powers is to be able to distinguish between heartbeats, and there are two heartbeats in particular that Daredevil has been preoccupied with: one is good, one is not so good. For him, at least. I don’t care either way.

We cut to a rainy high rise rooftop! It appears that Daredevil not only avoided a truck off-screen, but he’s getting chided about it by Black Widow! “Lucky for you I was swinging by at the time” she says, embodying some lazy-ass writing. He’s not listening, though, which seems to be the running theme with Murdock so far anyway. After he tells her that he was being held in a white room by the devil, I’m left wondering why Black Widow even wants to hang around this attempted-baby-murdering AIDS-girlfriend-having devil-seeing devilish Daredevil of a man in the first place. He seems like a lot of emotional maintenance. Who does he think he is? ME??

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [#384]

Daredevil has become so feral that even his gums have turned into teeth!

Oh wait, yeah, I get it now, she loves him. Blech. He’s concerned about Wilson Fisk, the big fat fatty fat Kingpin, who had already destroyed his life once. Black Widow is concerned that Daredevil is concerned, but then Daredevil bitterly reminds her that the biggest enemy to him right now is the baby she’s got strapped to her back. She bitterly reminds HIM that focusing all his anger at a baby is misguided. He sort of agrees to himself and trails off into his own thoughts again. “Matthew? Are you listening to me?” she asks, but clearly he isn’t! We just went over this!

Daredevil’s bitter now that “all the Murdock men hang their hearts on the wrong women, often with poor results”, so now it’s cool to see some toxic masculinity in our titular character I suppose. Sounds like there’s some sort of hostile brutishness taking over his mind. Black Widow keeps insisting on taking him home since he isn’t well. Daredevil agrees through a menacing grimace. A grimacing menace??

“No — no, I’m not. Haven’t been…not for a few days, now.” Daredevil’s paranoia is starting to override good judgment, he’s even starting to think Black Widow might be against him too. After all, she’s been carting around that cocksuckin’ baby for two days with no obvious bad luck coming her way. In fact, she seems to care more about the baby’s well-being than Matthew “Daredevil” “Nice Guy” Murdock!…

He starts questioning her like the Commie Russian ex-spy that she is! OF COURSE she’s out to get him, too! “What price did they offer for your soul?” he asks her. By now she’s got the creepin’ heebie-jeebies, which is much worse than the regular jeebies! I’m sure Black Widow would love to deal with some familiar regular jeebies right now, but this shit is wack. Daredevil backs her against the corner of the rooftop.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [#384]

Look, I didn’t make the rules here. Check it out. *throws bible on the table* It’s right there in the first story: “WOMEN ARE THE WORST”. Can’t blame a nice guy like me!

“You’ve already done it, Woman! I’m here to undo it!” he snarls, gripping her by the throat and pushing her body over the edge of the building. I look back on my life and it’s littered with the lies women have told me. Lies that have blackened my soul. He’s thinking this as Black Widow attempts to fight back, but he renders her unconscious in an unclear manner. Maybe he squeezed her neck until she passed out? I dunno! Either way, she’s incapacitated and he takes the baby and jumps off the building with it, falling back-first toward the ground.

Daredevil comes to his senses, so to speak, en route to the ground below. He grapples onto a stone cross that tops a church roof, swings to adjust his landing angle, and braces for impact.

THEY BOTH DIED!

Nope, they’re fine. Daredevil is injured, but the antichrist hell baby is completely ok. He bangs on the door of the church and some old hag nun comes to the door. For the first time in 48 hours he doesn’t feel lost. Yeah, how’s this for lost: *tender jerkoff motion*

BEFORE WE RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BROADCAST, WOULD THE OWNER OF A 1970 FORD MAVERICK PLEASE COME TO THE FRONT DESK? YOU LEFT A BABY IN THE CAR SEAT. IT’S THE ANTICHRIST. LOL.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [#384]

Pretty sure this is how Queensrÿche’s Operation: Mindcrime began!

Sorry, I just had my own psychotic episode. We jump ahead two days. The unknown Boss Man that we’ve already seen try to abduct teenagers is very angry that this blind man and this baby keeps eluding him and his team of henchmen! If I didn’t know any better, and I don’t, this nogoodnik just really wants Daredevil to be sad and crying, not necessarily dead, and it will make him feel like a big man again! That’s nice. “The endgame is approaching, Mr. Gabriel. Summon the assassin.” OH NO! Assassins assassinate people! I was wrong!

Murdock wakes up in some shitty bed in some shitty room. The old hag nun tells him he’s been sleeping for two days straight in her personal old hag nun room. She even washed his stinky Daredevil uniform! It turns out that this old hag nun is Murdocks real life old hag mother, whom he hasn’t seen in 30 years. lol, “seen”, ok.

There’s a lot of vague catching up between the two of them. “You’re a lot like your father” she says, like she would fucking know anything about him after 30 years? Murdock says something barely rude about God and she tut-tuts at him like some sort of nun. “Such anger from someone who has been given so much!” she says, not reading the room very well at all. He gets mad at this and strains his sinewy neck out, ranting about how blind he is and, oh yeah, he can’t fucking see, lady!

“Darkness, mother! That’s what I’ve been given — a life of darkness! Seeing darkness, fighting darkness, feeling darkness! You’ll have to excuse me if I can’t find the same faith in the so-called Almighty that you’ve found! But then, I guess it’s easy for you to jump to His defense! After all, He let you off the hook pretty easily, didn’t He!”

Hoo boy. She didn’t like that at all.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [#384]

WHAT DID THE FIVE FINGERS SAY TO THE FACE?! Also, RIP Dave Chappelle’s comedy sensibilities.

He cries and apologizes.

As old hag Mother Nun makes tea, Murdock lies there with wonky-eyed contentment at talking to some lady he hasn’t known for three decades like she should even matter to him anymore. He really wants to ask about his life, but he mostly just talks about the events of the last few days. She keeps telling him to look to God for guidance, since that’s exactly what a nun is supposed to tell people, and he keeps insisting that he’s not sure God’s even real anymore. She asks him, with all he’s been through, how could he possibly question His existence? He asks how she could possibly not, what with helping the very people that the Kingpin has profited off of for years, for example. “It’s a fairy tale, isn’t it? A joke devised a long time ago to keep the downtrodden from revolting — to keep them compliant!”

Homeboy’s gonna get slapped again if he doesn’t watch it!

She doesn’t even get mad at any of this, though. She just smiles as a response, and then starts to tell Murdock a story. HEEEEEERE WE GO, YEEEESH. I’m getting a snack.

Oh dags, she’s still talking? It’s a story about a Knight and a Monk, and-GRRRROOOOAAAN. Another snack.

OK, she’s still talking. The story goes like this: Knight and Monk are walking together. Knight goes “Your life sucks ass and you still believe in God? My life is great, I’m fuckin’ broads and snortin’ coke and shootin’ cops and peein’ the the mall fountain! I don’t believe in God! Isn’t that funny?”. Monk goes “…”. Knight goes “…and, like, I’m wondering, so I think once we’re dead, then that’s it! Dead! In the ground! Nothing! What if you die and learn the same thing after wasting all this time believing? What if you learn there was no God at all?” Monk goes “Yeah, I’ll be sad and shit. But, my good sir, I posit the following consideration to you, and you will not deny the veritable checkmate that will fall in front of your eyes like Tetris pieces shaped like chess pieces fitting snugly into little checkmate rows and columns: What if you die and you find out there IS a God?! WOOP WOOP!”

And then Knight dropped his chalk and the whole room stood up and gave the Monk a standing ovation! Murdock got fucking schooled, son! What a loser! It’s Kirk Cameron and the banana all over again! The Atheist’s Nightmare!

With that, the nun announces that a woman had showed up to the church to see him. “She seems very distressed” the nun tells him, if by “very distressed” she means “chock full of AIDS”. Are AIDS jokes woke in 2021? Probably not! Sorry.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #4 [#384]

Says the guy who has let everything in the world get to him.

It’s Karen Page, and she wants to know where the baby is. She doesn’t want the little hellspawn being raised in a cold, drafty nunnery! Murdock didn’t want to impose, but Karen insists that “a sweet little baby’d take my mind off my…problems.” Well hot diggity dog! Sounds great! Murdock’s just gonna get his coat and- WAIT A FUCKING SECOND, THERE, HONEY! He never told her about the dang baby! Karen says he did, but Murdock says “NO WAY JOSE, I WOULD REMEMBER, I’VE TALKED ABOUT THIS BABY TO, LIKE, 17 PEOPLE SO FAR AND I REMEMBER EVERY CONVERSATION I’VE HAD IN THE LAST WEEK EVEN THOUGH I’VE BEEN COMPLETELY OUT OF MY MIND, SO THERE!”, and then Karen has no choice but to concede!

She tells him about Old Man Macabes, about the curse, about all the bad luck that has befallen everyone. “But all we have to do is give him the baby, Matt! If we give him the baby, all the evil goes away!” Murdock says, in big red block letters, “NO!!”. You’re being played like a fiddle, Karen! Like a big, blonde fiddle! Like a big, blonde, HIV+ fiddle! And then he really lets her have it:

“You have AIDS because you were a junkie, Karen! A junkie who was with God only knows who and how many people! Your CARELESSNESS destroyed your life, Karen — not some demon-child! And that carelessness may have destroyed MY life too, for all we know! So you want to blame someone?! Then blame YOURSELF!”

Karen takes this in stride. She looks legitimately ashamed and then runs out the church doors. Murdock stays at the edge of the pew, hands in his face, swearing vengeance on either Macabes or whomever sent him.

We end in the office of the mysterious shrouded Boss Man, who is talking to an unknown associate. Boss Man lays out his terms: baby gets brought to him alive, everyone else can die except Daredevil for some reason! He needs to stay alive! The baby and Daredevil: alive. Everyone else: can die. He will pay $5,000,000. The Boss Man leans forward out of the shadow…it’s MACABES!. And who’s he talking to?…

JASON MEWES! LOL!

No, it’s some costumed guy I’m supposed to know. Pfft, the reveal is lost on me. Hang on, I have to look it up…

Bullseye. It’s Bullseye.

(?)

Bullseye is a villain.

Final Thoughts

Macabes really wants that baby, huh? Cool.

I legitimately wonder what’s going on with our favorite runaway teenager Gwyneth. And I don’t care about Foggy one bit, I hope he rots behind bars!

Halfway through and it’s still pretty good! Chalk this one up to a win. Way to go, Smithy, old boy. Way to go.


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Lowtax Murdered by Blimp at Age 45

Lowtax Pig Hat

Dead.

Not really. He would have wanted it that way, though. Maybe? Who cares.

Here’s the quickest of obligatory information for anyone who doesn’t know, and is unfortunate enough to is learn it from me of all people: Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka died last week. He was just some unremarkable guy, really.

Here’s a slightly longer paragraph about that: Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka was the founder of Something Awful, a website that pioneered, contributed to, or influenced every single incredibly online funny thing that has ever existed on the internet after 1999. Your favorite funny website is no exception to this. Your favorite oh-so-fucking-hilarious memes, your favorite ranting spazz Youtube videos, your favorite Twittery tweets. Everything. And almost all of it was pure, dumb luck.

Here’s an even longer paragraph about that: Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka was a tragic figure. He started Something Awful as a personal website because he hated that there was nowhere on the internet at the time that ridiculed other things on the internet quite as well as he wanted to ridicule things on the internet. He was pretty good at ridiculing things on the internet. As years went by, he and the website got older, its glory days (~2004 – 2008) were becoming a fading memory, and although he likely had trillions of opportunities to grow the website and community with the times, he was a lazy piece of shit and didn’t do it. Slowly throughout the ’10s, it became more and more clear that he was actually a completely deplorable human being in his personal life: physically and emotionally abusive to his many wives, to his many girlfriends, and to his children. He continuously blew small fortunes on video games and online cookie orders, only occasionally popping into his own forums with the sole purpose to syphon more money from his fanbase. His deterioration was very public; thousands upon thousands of people across the world had a front-row seat to his bizarre downfall in real time. Many of his affairs were public knowledge, I imagine an incredible amount must not have been. He lost his family, he lost his money, he lost his website, he lost his fans, and he killed himself last week.

Lowtax Underpants

Dead.

I never interacted with the guy in my life. As a human being, I don’t have a strong opinion about him or his actions one way or another. None of my fucking business. Odd though that when I heard the news, I was shocked. And I don’t get shocked. Celebrities die every day and I don’t care that much. Family members die once in a while and I barely bat an eye. It’s the cool thing about being some weird psychopath!

But Lowtax’s death hit me. I’ve been thinking about this fucking wifebeating piece of shit’s death ever since it happened, and it’s uncomfortably surreal for reasons that are perplexing. And I needed to write about it, I guess.

I’ve always loved to write, and I considered Lowtax to be a major influence on my approach. Hell, I discovered Something Awful in 2002 when I was 14; my mushy puberty brain was perfect for his brand of cynical, nihilistic, non-hyperactive edgelord humor. I’m a rare case where the frontpage was more influential for me than the forums. I loved everything about it. The community of talented staff writers, all with different voices, writing mostly unrestrained and unaffected by sponsors, advertisers, corporate overlords, and attention-seeking gimmicks. I loved the wealth of diverse and focused content, all existing with the singular goal of ridiculing something, anything, online or offline. The Weekend Web existed to mock the glut of terrible internet forums and their posts. The Flash Tub poked fun at amateur flash video tropes with razor-sharp humor and skillful, unique animation sensibilities. The Awful Movie Database was a direct parody of IMDB.com and was responsible for some of the biggest belly laughs I’ve ever had to endure. Photoshop Phriday and Comedy Goldmine both go without saying.

Lowtax Big Lebowski

Dead.

The list literally goes on and on. There were always two new featured articles every single day. I meticulously tracked my progress bouncing around the site for years, hellbent on reading every single article that had ever been published. I never achieved that goal, but part of me still wants to chip away at it to this day. Once in a while I still get a short-lived urge to binge through a few more articles. I don’t find many of the articles quite as enjoyable anymore in my 30s, but the fact that the website is still there like an old friend is comforting to me. The way it has remained relatively unchanged for decades, while the rest of the internet grows and grows becomes worse and worse with time, it means a lot to me. It’s a relic of my most impressionable years, a monument that I can still visit whenever I want to.

Lowtax Tent

Dead.

So, Lowtax dying feels like the true end of an era that was over long ago anyway. I pictured some sort of redemption arc for him; in the back of my mind I felt that some day he would pick himself up, dust himself off, and be a better person for his friends, his family, and ultimately himself. Now it can never happen, he made damn sure of that.

My approach to writing, my desire to carve out a personal space for myself online, the evolution of my sense of humor, almost all of that was Lowtax’s doing 20 years ago. Even if it was tangentially related to him, even if 50 other people around him were pulling the legwork on the talent, he was still the face of Something Awful. Even though he sold the website last year amid an embarrassingly public scandal, even though he had lost thousands of supporters, even though most would like to forget Lowtax was ever a part of his own creation, everyone is deluding themselves if they don’t continue to associate the website with the man.

RIP, Lowtax, you massive piece of shit. You horrible human being. You accidentally became one of the internet’s most notorious figures. You accidentally built a lasting empire while simultaneously being the laziest motherfucker on the planet. Like many others, you changed my life completely. Sorry you were so self-destructive, and it’s a shame you had to ruin so many lives in your path. I hope your kids will be ok.

And that’s enough words on this.


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Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “Born to Kill”

* Part 1 of 8 of the Born to Kill storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1 – “Born to Kill”! And so I begin yet another New 52 series in order to eventually weave everything into the many crossover storylines that will eventually lead me to tear my hair out and overdose on lithium pills that I found behind the Wendy’s dumpster.

I’m interested in the Batman family more than any other DC franchise, and since Action Comics left a sour taste in my mouth (for now), I’m jumping ship on that Superman motherfucker until I can regain the threads of my sanity. As you may or may not know, I’m still sticking exclusively to the New 52 revamp since all the publications got a soft reboot, as far as the Batfamily is concerned I’ve covered the first story arcs of the 2011 relaunches of Batman and Batgirl.

I now move on to Batman and Robin, Volume 2! George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell! Volume 1 had only started in 2009 with its entire run written by Grant Morrison, who I’m glad I’m not dealing with again right now after the Action Comics debacle. Let’s hope ol’ Petey Tomasi decides to tell his stories in chronological order like a good boy.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Peter J. Tomasi
“Born to Kill”

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1

The series opens in a frustrating action sequence that I’m starting to get very used to seeing now. I think we’re in Russia, there’s a guy being chased by some hulking Batman-type hero/villain. The guy is attempting to gun down the Batman-type hero/villain during the chase to no avail. When the Batman-type hero/villain stops the guy, holds him up and starts telling him “I am an ally of the Bat and Moscow will no longer suffer under your–”, a pistol floats in midair and shoots the guy right in the head before Bat-thing can finish. Next, Mr. Russia Batman gets his face kicked in by some other hero/villain, who incapacitates him with his fancy lightning palm. “I’m nobody,” the mysterious figure states to Russia Batman, “and so are you.”

DC Comics Proudly Presents Batman and Robin in: BORN TO KILL! *squeaky horn honk*

The clock strikes 4 at Wayne Manor. I can tell because there are four “BONG” sound effects! The mansion is dark, it has an Addams Family vibe. Bruce Wayne stares at an old portrait of his family on a mantlepiece and says “It’s time for a change”. He walks into the room of a young boy who is sleeping above the covers in pitch black pajamas on a pillow that looks like a rolled-up towel, looking like he’s going to be biting necks any second.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1

GAH! Keep it away! Protect your necks, get the garlic!

Bruce tells the child that they’re heading out, but the child says it’s only 10:00 (WAIT A MINUTE, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE “BONG”S?). The child is named Damian, because of course he is named Damian, he fucking looks like a little Damian. Bruce says they have a stop to make before they start patrolling, and so they start getting ready for their little adventure.

“I’ve never told you why I set the clock to 10:48 to open the entrance to the cave, did I?” Bruce asks Damian with an air of “I’ve actually told you a million times but maybe THE AUDIENCE doesn’t know yet!” in his tone. Damian claims, boredly, that no, he has never been told with an air of “And don’t you dare fucking tell me or I’ll make your head spin upon your neck at 800 mph.” Bruce tells him that 10:48 was when his parents were killed, and Damian basically gives him shit for using this password on literally everything. “Show some respect, they were your grandparents” Bruce chastises Damian, and Damian basically says “go fuck yourself, Pops”. This is some good, angsty stuff here already!

As they head down to the Batcave, Bruce expresses regret for not sharing a lot of his secrets with Damian, and Damian says something to the effect of “fuck you, and fuck your dumbfuck secrets! I wanna watch Mythbusters! Why are we down in this smelly hole, Father? I’m glad your parents died! I want Pop-Tarts! Kevin’s dad doesn’t take him to any caves! Kevin’s dad is a dentist!”. None of this is true, of course, except maybe the part about Pop-Tarts. They make these really good ones now that taste like peach cobbler!

Bruce is very patient with the little pistol, let’s him know that he wanted his son to be with him tonight and that’s all that matters, plus he wants Damian to help Bruce honor his parents’ death in CRIME ALLEY. I still think it’s funny that it’s fuckin’ called “Crime Alley”. Now I’m also wondering if Peter Tomasi took the New 52 Batman and Robin assignment to vent some daddy issues of his own? Like, there was a big board meeting at DC headquarters, and Tomasi was hopping up and down desperate to take Batman and Robin. “My dad touched my pooper, I need this series!”

Bruce, as Batman now, wants to go to Crime Alley one last time on his parents’ deathniversary because he’s tired of honoring their deaths. From now on he wants to honor their lives! Damian, as Robin now, says “It’s about time, Pops. You’ve been a fucking idiot.”

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Maybe if your parents were smarter, they wouldn’t have gotten killed in front of you. Loser.

Batman keeps getting sentimental and Robin keeps tearing him down! Batman keeps ignoring him and Robin keeps twisting the knife! “The future’s always in the process of interpreting the meaning of the past, Robin.” says Batman. “What the hell’s THAT supposed to mean?” says Robin. I didn’t make that one up this time! But I sure as heck am still thinking about peach cobbler Pop-Tarts right now!

Finally, FINALLY, Batman tells the kid to shut his mouth. Robin lands one last blow on him by saying “You were easier to look up to when you weren’t around.” This heartfelt exchange is broken by Alfred’s announcement that some shit is going down at Gotham University, and they leave the stinky, smelly Crime Alley sewer of Fun and Games to do their superhero-ly duties.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1

We all had that one weird friend in elementary school who would constantly already be riding the ball.

At the Gotham University Research Reactor, some fool-ass punks named Ronnie, Robbie, and Reggie have just killed a few security guards and are in the process of filling up their tanks with irradiated fuel for their unnamed boss. The brothers are finished loading up and are on their way out when Batman and Robin show up ready to kick some fool-ass punk tail. They start beating these kids up and dodging their guns full of bullets, the usual gritty hero/villain fare. The brothers start escaping through a tunnel after blasting a hole in the wall, and they discover the Batman/Robin vehicle, whatever it’s called. “Looks like we have ourselves a ride.” says Reggie or Ronnie or Rudy or Rowdy Roddy or, you know, one of them. Robin tells Batman that he’s going to follow them. Batman tells him not to follow them. I’ll give you 45 guesses as to what Robin decides to do here.

So Robin doesn’t not not NOT not not NOT NOT follow them! As the three brothers attempt their getaway in what Robin calls “the Ball” (*snicker*), Robin leaps onto it and hangs on. As Robin tricks the brothers into blowing themselves up in the vehicle full of irradiated fuel like dumbshit morons, Batman tries to figure out on his own how to seal the hole that the brothers blew up in the wall (because reactor water used to cool the rods is escaping through the hole). He attempts to accomplish this by blowing a hole in the ceiling. The floor above them is the university’s swimming pool, which empties through the hole and refills the reactor. Batman got all this info from the floor plan of the building he requested from Alfred, and I guess it was worth possibly risking a few swimmers’ lives? Meh.

Batman and Robin (Vol. 2), Issue #1

Well shit. Pool’s closed!

We see an arm with, like, seven gnarly fingers rise up out of the body of water next to the wreckage of “the Ball” (*snicker*). This may be important later!

Commissioner Gordon is sent to investigate the ruckus long after Batman and Robin leave the scene. “Whoever flooded this rod pool saved two city blocks from being contaminated tonight. Any ideas?” asks a biohazard cleanup crewman. “Yeah. A few.” says Gordon, knowing that some Bat-related Man might be involved.

Batman later asks Robin what became of the brothers, since their supposed charred corpses are nowhere to be found. Robin basically answers “Don’t know, don’t care”, but Batman chides the little rapscallion and tells him that they don’t have a license to kill. Irradiated fuel is unwieldy and unpredictable! Robin tells him that he can handle himself, and he didn’t kill anyone. Robin projects some of his Robin insecurities, yelling at Batman that he’s better than all the other past Robins! Batman says he trusted the other Robins, and Damian still has to earn it. “How long is that going to take?” gripes the snot-nosed 10-year-old. “I’ll let you know,” huffs Batman.

♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon ♩ ♪ ♫ ♬

We end the issue where we started in Moscow. Russia Batman is hanging from a rope getting dipped into a vat of IRRADIATED FUEL! Or acid of some sort. The unknown villain tells him that he’s erasing him. Like he never existed in the first place. Far out, man.

And Bruce Wayne will be next!

Final Thoughts

I’m starting to be on my guard now, because I’m starting to notice that I’m pleased and satisfied with how series/storylines start and then my enthusiasm wanes as I get deeper. Right now I’m intrigued; I was expecting post-pubescent Robin and I’m delighted right now to see this little piece of shit convey unbridled snarkiness every chance he gets! I’m more interested in that dynamic than any sort of Russian Batman-killing supervillain right now. We’ll see where the focus is going forward.

Jiminy Jillickers!


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Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #3

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #3 – “Dystopia”

* Part 3 of 8 of the Guardian Devil storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #3 (Legacy Issue #383) – “Dystopia”! In the previous installment, there’s a whole lot on Matthew Murdock’s plate: he was given a baby, he was told the baby was the antichrist, he now has to decide between keeping the baby safe and ridding the world of this problematic baby!

Natasha “Black Widow” Romanov popped in to assist Murdock with the baby situation. Foggy Nelson is banging a client. Gwyneth was kidnapped by the people who have been after her. Murdock’s ex-girlfriend Karen showed up out of nowhere to tell him that she has AIDS. That part was pretty nuts!

What will Murdock decide to do with the baby? Should he even believe this baby is the antichrist in the first place, just because some guy with a mustache told him it was? Why should he believe him? Something funny is going on!

Remember when Kevin Smith got kicked off a plane for being too fat? And then that plane crashed into the Twin Towers! He should be thankful, but instead he bitched about it for two years on his 45 podcasts. I might have gotten my timeline off by almost nine years.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #3 (Legacy Issue #383) [January, 1999]
Written by: Kevin Smith
“Dystopia”

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [#383]

Blind Guy Soliloquy Time! Kevin Smith’s got 56,000 words to cram into these 20 pages and time’s a-wastin’! Blah blah blah, here’s the crib notes: Murdock’s ex-girlfriend Karen showed up out of nowhere to say she is HIV+ (which is not the same as AIDS, by the way, but maybe this is some SUPERHERO TWIST CHEKHOV’S GUN!) on the same day an old man with a mustache popped into his office to say he was gonna be cursed if he didn’t kill a baby! Wow!

The soliloquy continues with some unsolicited law school college boy shit: in law school you’re taught the concept of “judgmental vacuum” wherein you are a lawyer who does lawyer things, and if that means defending a clearly guilty client then so be it! You’re taught in law school how to get past all the self-loathing that may manifest itself in your gut from day after day, week after week of constant moral indecency that comes from it. He got a call this morning, it turns out it’s Foggy, and Foggy looks worse for wear as a couple of cops drag him into the office.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [#383]

I mean, I’d do the same thing if I were trapped in a room with Foggy Nelson!

Foggy tries to explain, but he’s a bit FOGGY about the details! But also, he doesn’t even really believe it. Previously, Foggy had been starting an affair with one Ms. Lydia McKenzie. You may remember her kissing his dopey Barney Rubble face and pulling him into a bedroom? Well, shortly after he was pulled into the bedroom, LYDIA MCENZIE TURNED INTO SOME CRAZY, GREEN, RAZOR-SHARP-TOOTHED OLD HAG WHO SCRATCHES UP FOGGY’S FACE AND JUMPED THROUGH A BUTTFUCKING WINDOW! Comic books!

But when Foggy looked out the window he saw a normal, dead Lydia on the ground instead. Well, I guess not normal, because normally Lydia would be alive. But she happened to not be in an abnormal way, you see. Foggy calls the cops about this, which is immensely dumb considering it looks like he threw a woman through a window. Understandably, he’s taken away for murder when the police don’t believe his story that he probably tried to tell the truth about! Nicely done, lawyer guy, for thinking this could have gone any other way.

Murdock uses his heartbeat Spidey-Sense to determine that Foggy isn’t lying. Foggy cries about thinking God’s punishing him for cheating, and I’m rolling my eyes because THERE’S THE GOD GUY AGAIN GETTING MENTIONED AGAIN! Murdock gets started right away on trying to clear ol’ Foggy Murderer’s name, but there’s already a giant media circus surrounding the law offices and before he can really say “boo” he gets called into Foggy’s mom’s office. Yes, that’s right.

Meanwhile, Karen Page is at Murdock’s apartment standing around smoking in Muhammad Ali shorts and looking photos of her failed relationship. She also holds a curious (to me, at least) sticky note that says “Mr. Murdock: As per your request. -Peter Parker” and I’m wondering when the little twerp had time to stop jacking off long enough to write those eight words! She is interrupted by a knock at the door. It’s Old Man Macabes, the mustached bearer of apocalyptic news! But here’s here to see Karen, which is weird.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [#383]

Wow buddy, “unfortunate” doesn’t even describe the half of it.

Foggy’s mom wants to fire Foggy. Murdock thinks she’s cuckoo nutso, but he doesn’t want her big, porky, murdering rapist son tainting the good name of their very respectable law firm! Murdock’s all like “HE’S INNOCENT AND YOU KNOW IT!”, he says this spittily. She’s all like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. “I’ve been a lawyer longer than I’ve been a mother” she tells him, justifying her decision to cut him loose. I really don’t blame her, I thought he looked like bad news since I first laid eyes upon his doughy, droopy-eyed face! Murdock has had just about enough of this BULLSHIT.

“I have to go, Rosalind — have to figure out how to prove my partner’s innocence.” he says as walks on out of there like he has a broom up his butt. She stops him and reminds him that “cutting all ties” means, no, you’re not getting fucking involved. “You’re saying I CAN’T defend him?” he asks, and she, in essence, answers with a “…well, you just won’t have the firm’s resources, hint hint.” He doesn’t take the hint. “THEN I QUIT!” he says, hobbling out of the office like a 140-year-old feeb.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [#383]

Pictured: A boomer being told by his employer that he needs to be vaccinated.

“MINUTES LATER, A FAMILIAR FIGURE LEAPS INTO THE MANHATTAN SKY…” says the narration. Murdock didn’t waste any time! As he’s prancing around town doing backflips he’s thinking about all the stuff he has to try to take care of: Foggy (murder/rapist), Karen (AIDS girlfriend), Baby (antichrist). As he jumps around, he encounters a mugging in broad daylight. He subdues the mugger, but then the muggee shoots him in the back with a tranquilizer. You got trapped, bitch!

Back at Murdock’s fancy Gordon Ramsey Hell’s Kitchen apartment, Macabes is telling Karen that it’s the antichrist’s fault she is HIV+, but she’s not without most of the blame! He basically calls her a junkie slut while happily sipping his tea. She agrees with him. At least they’re on the same page about things! Apparently, Karen’s been worried about being HIV+ for years and just kind of stopped going in for tests after they kept coming back negative over and over again. And now suddenly she gets a positive test the day that Murdock gets BLINDSIDED by a baby thrown into his lap? NOT A COINCIDENCE, DEAR! I guess.

Macabes twists the knife further by telling her that this was no accident. Karen is just a pawn, just like Murdock. Macabes then takes advantage of this shift in the conversation to advocate for his baby-murdering agenda again. Karen says she would never murder a dang baby, which Macabes finds “ignorantly valiant”. He tells her that she should probably, maybe, kinda, kill the baby anyway why not! And then tells her that he probably infected Murdock with HIV too, and I’m not sure why anyone needed Macabes to let them know this.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [#383]

Listen, I’m not calling you a slut, per se, but…come on, sister, you’ve been the sluttiest slut who ever slutted.

In some sort of white void, Daredevil awakens from his tranquilizer-induced stupor. He notices that someone deliberately placed him into cool-looking sensory-deprivation abyss of a room to keep him disoriented. But, aha, a room is still a room, and that means a room can be exited! So he starts blindly feeling around like just the type of blind guy who was blinded by radiation as a kid or something. He tries to kick down a door he finds, but then the room becomes filled with the “shrieking of angels” which completely incapacitates him. It works on dogs too. A big, beefy demon, wearing the same black sweater that I think my own mother owns, enters the room. He says, in a Paul Simon voice, “You can call me Baal”. He tells Murdock that the angels are shrieking because they are the fallen, cast out of God’s, you know, nightclub.

“What do you want from me?” Daredevil asks, but it comes out more as “Wha…w…wh…whah….whabh….bhub….blub….blublubl…blub…”. Baal explains that he’s preparing from the second-coming of someone. Jesus, maybe? Or Humphrey Bogart? And Baal says “people like you are getting in my way all the goddamn time, sir”. Meanwhile, Daredevil is trying to pinpoint the source of this hellish–heavinish–shrieking, and he can tell there’s a speaker on the wall somewhere.

Daredevil (Vol. 2), Issue #3 [#383]

lol. Demon Snap!

Baal keeps on talking, but Daredevil’s not paying attention to this fool anymore. He has discovered patterns in the shrieking-angels.wav file, and has figured out exactly when the recording starts back over again. He has precisely one nanosecond to focus his mind and get something done, whatever that may be. Oh, ok, he needed to focus on where the speaker was so that he could throw one of his Big Daredevil Rod weapons at it and break the fucker. He does just that, and Baal gets worried. Daredevil leaps onto Baal like Baal is a delicious ham and starts trying to beat his face in, but then Daredevil is knocked out of the way by two scrawny guys from Archie Comics! Before they can really do much damage, Daredevil sprints out of there into the rainy Manhattan night completely disoriented and ruggedly hapless! He stumbles comically into traffic instead of, you know, staying still for three seconds?

The issue ends with Daredevil a moment away from getting hit by a truck! Woo!

Final Thoughts

Too much biblical mythology! Angels and demons don’t interest me quite nearly as much as this storyline requires from me! Baal? Suck on my baals, how about that?!

I don’t think I’ve seen Daredevil do anything truly heroic yet. I’ve seen him get assaulted repeatedly. I’ve seen him have no upper hand in any situation yet!

If this were truly a Kevin Smith production, we would be seeing lesbians throw themselves on Daredevil by now! Now I’m picturing Daredevil in a fucking hockey jersey. I wonder if he had to argue with penciller Joe Quesada about drawing Daredevil into a New Jersey Devils jersey with “DAREDEVIL #1” written on the back. Yuck.

I like this series so far! Lots of moral gray areas! I don’t trust Macabes one bit! That guy is too into the idea of systematically murdering babies! It’s like, mellow out man! Ok, I’m done.


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Descendents, the Telephone Numbers, and Black Dresses

Hello hello hello HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO!! HELLO!!! HELLO!!! AHH!! AHHH!!!! HELLO! AHAHAHAH!! HELLO HELLO HELLO!!!!!

Today I have 2021 albums by Descendents, the Telephone Numbers, and Black Dresses! The year’s almost over! Only seven more official Newer Release Roundups left, and you better believe I’m going to try to cram in, like, 20 extras. I’ll find a way.

Descendents – 9th & Walnut
(July 23, 2021)

Descendents - 9th and Walnut

I hate that I’m woefully ignorant about the Descendents. An influential hardcore punk band that shaped the Los Angeles scene along with Black Flag, Bad Religion, Suicidal Tendencies, Minutemen, Social Distortion, and many others, and I’ve never listened to them before. I’m changing that with 9th & Walnut.

Luckily, 9th & Walnut is a collection of unreleased songs that were written 40 years ago, recorded and assembled 20 years ago, and dubbed with new Milo Aukerman vocals during pandemic lockdown last year. It represents a missing link between their first few years and their debut LP Milo Goes to College. For me, though, it being the first taste of the Descendents, 9th and Walnut represents an aging band indulging in their youth. It’s like they’re revisiting their own coming-of-age story, preserving the adolescent lyrics and subject matter and going all-in with it as farty old men.

You get juvenile songs like “You Make Me Sick” (“You make me sick with your pretty face/Can’t stand you stinkin’ up the whole place“), light PG violence like “Crepe Suzette” (“Give me a chance/I’d shoot you/Give me a chance, baby/You’d see what I could do to you“), and oddly touching, upbeat love songs like “I Need Some” (“A little bit close, a little bit snug/She’s the woman I want to hug“). All 18 songs are melodic as fuck, brimming with youthful energy and passion, and all of them get to the point quickly and move on.

Most reviews call this a good record, essential for fans, but unable to compare to their landmark ’80s work. If this can be considered middle-of-the-road Descendents, then I’m in for a goddamned treat, because I love what I’m hearing here.

Early Verdict:

The Telephone Numbers – The Ballad of Doug
(June 25, 2021)

The Telephone Numbers - The Ballad of Doug

I should know better than to waste my time digging into some completely unknown album release. I do it just to do it once in a while, thinking “hey, maybe I’ll take a chance on whatever this is and uncover some obscure jewel”. But it never works out, as much as I try to keep an open mind about digging into something that no publication anywhere is talking about. It’s a bad mindset, but there’s something to be said for music staying obscure.

First of all, “The Ballad of Doug“? Is that a reference to “The Ballad of Donkey Doug”, Season 3, Episode 5 of The Good Place, featuring Doug “Donkey Doug” Mendoza, the greatest side-character on any sitcom since Parks and Recreation‘s Jean-Ralphio?! See, I’d much rather talk about that.

Seemingly unoriginal album titles aside, The Telephones Numbers feels like a less-talented carbon copy of The Shins. From the first few notes of “You’re Nowhere” you will know exactly what the expect until the end. Pleasant, but woefully uninspired jangle pop from a era long-gone. The band pulls primary from the Byrds, but they don’t try to do anything new with the sound? Almost identical vocal inflections, acoustic instrumentation, melody patterns, and summertime moods. It sounds like the wealth of ’80s/early-’90s paisley underground acts that time forgot: Game Theory, the Rain Parade, the Dream Syndicate.

I don’t hate this from the standpoint of a pure listening experience, but something about The Ballad of Doug is pitifully caught in the event horizon of the black hole of emptiness. Even when Thomas Rubsenstein sings about the titular character on the titular track, jaunty as it may be, about the “.38 between his teeth“, I don’t care at all. Nothing begs me to care.

I’ll end with a positive: the accordion-tinged melody of “Sunset Town” is glorious and the only track that leaves its lasting impression after the record is over. Other than that, shelve it for use in your ’90s angsty after school special broadcast!

Early Verdict:

Black Dresses – Forever in Your Heart
(February 14, 2021)

Black Dresses - Forever in Your Heart

The duo known as Black Dresses weren’t long for this world. Forming in 2017, Ada Rook and Devi McCallion released four studio albums before disbanding due to reported harassment and invasion of privacy from their fanbase (specifically toward McCallion). That fucking sucks, and I hope some day they can work together again on the Black Dresses project without dealing with assholes.

The good news is that they released another studio album of new material in early 2021. Whether they had this album already prepared before breaking up, or if they had continued working during a fake breakup, is unclear. Their statement was as follows: “We’re no longer a band unfortunately. Regardless, we’ve decided to keep putting out music.” So make of that what you will, I suppose.

Forever in Your Heart is another installment of the duo’s brand of completely naked and flayed exposure of pain, suffering, and grief. Both deliver their lines with such exasperated, anguished strain that it can be an uncomfortable listen. Lyrics like “I love feeling pain/It makes me feel like I’m going to heaven“, or especially “I never never never never never never should have tried/I never should have tried but it’s not my fault/What does it really take to want to hurt a child?/It seems like it’s not much for a lot of people” really stick with me; makes me think long after the album is finished. And all this with bristling, razor-edged electronics and blown-speaker distorted shrieking. There’s a certain catharsis to it.

Some of it is wryly funny, too. I love “Tiny Ball”, where the intro sounds very much like a The Pod-era Ween with Rook and McCallion’s layered call-and-response, laughing ironically as they declare that “Everything’s inside a tiny little ball of suffering“. There’s a lot of that in Forever in Your Heart, just an incredulous striving for acceptance of how absolutely terrible this planet is.

Nothing impresses me more than brutally honest art that succeeds in stirring up a whole spectrum of feelings, thoughts and emotions. We need more albums like this in this decade. This is an easy Top 5 contender.

Early Verdict:


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